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1
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,447
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:13,488 --> 00:00:16,049
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:16,090 --> 00:00:17,351
Oww.
4
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,953
Woo-hoo-hoo.
5
00:00:19,994 --> 00:00:21,688
Woo-hoo.
6
00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:23,857
Yeah, yeah.
7
00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:28,195
Let's start
the show..
8
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,609
(man) You've just met
that special someone,
9
00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:37,344
and you're letting your
desire for each other
10
00:00:37,345 --> 00:00:39,513
take you to
incredible heights.
11
00:00:39,514 --> 00:00:40,774
But these days,
12
00:00:40,815 --> 00:00:42,549
you can never be too sure
they aren't going to dispute
13
00:00:42,550 --> 00:00:44,718
whether the sex
was consensual.
14
00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:46,453
Mm, mm...
wait a minute.
15
00:00:46,454 --> 00:00:47,714
Wait a minute.
16
00:00:47,755 --> 00:00:49,015
Before we go
any further...
17
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,791
Which is why
this night calls for:
18
00:00:50,792 --> 00:00:52,486
The Love Contract.
19
00:00:52,527 --> 00:00:53,787
What's this?
20
00:00:53,828 --> 00:00:54,695
Nothing,
it's just a document
21
00:00:54,696 --> 00:00:55,996
saying that you're
a willing participant
22
00:00:55,997 --> 00:00:59,426
in this sexual
experience, baby.
23
00:00:59,467 --> 00:01:01,161
Well, I am.
24
00:01:01,202 --> 00:01:04,631
Just sign
here and here...
25
00:01:04,672 --> 00:01:08,235
and initial there,
for oral.
26
00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:09,836
Oral?
27
00:01:09,877 --> 00:01:11,572
I'm gonna do you, too.
28
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,873
Okay.
29
00:01:12,914 --> 00:01:18,946
And just initial there,
if you decline anal.
30
00:01:18,987 --> 00:01:20,680
Unless,
of course you...
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No no no,
it's not going down.
32
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,191
Pretty much standard, okay.
33
00:01:24,192 --> 00:01:26,753
I don't know
about you, but...
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I'm still horny.
35
00:01:28,529 --> 00:01:29,830
Let's do this, girl.
36
00:01:29,831 --> 00:01:32,392
Oh... oh, make me
feel good!
37
00:01:32,433 --> 00:01:34,127
The Love Contract.
38
00:01:34,168 --> 00:01:35,469
Because you'd hate
to catch a beef
39
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,638
for something
you know you didn't do.
40
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,465
And now...
41
00:01:38,506 --> 00:01:39,766
Yow!
42
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,369
(grunting)
43
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Ah...
44
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Oh...
45
00:01:46,748 --> 00:01:49,309
Well, that didn't
take too long.
46
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I know.
47
00:01:51,519 --> 00:01:52,819
Just do me
a favor, okay?
48
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Don't tell anybody
about this.
49
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From the makers of
The Love Contract comes:
50
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The Confidentiality Agreement.
51
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:01,888
Don't worry.
52
00:02:01,929 --> 00:02:04,925
I'm not gonna
tell anybody.
53
00:02:04,966 --> 00:02:06,266
I know you won't.
54
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:09,696
Or I'll
sue your ass...
55
00:02:09,737 --> 00:02:11,431
Kobe!
56
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,637
Available
at all Wall-Barts.
57
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,412
(man)
Ladies and gentlemen,
58
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Dave Chappelle...!
59
00:02:21,883 --> 00:02:23,577
Oh, boy!
60
00:02:23,618 --> 00:02:25,312
Hey, everybody.
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Hey, man.
62
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:34,421
Welcome to
Chappelle's Show.
63
00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:37,457
How about that
Love Contract?
64
00:02:37,498 --> 00:02:39,625
That might be a Hollywood joke,
you know.
65
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,401
Hollywood's a crazy place.
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I don't know if you guys know
people that work in Hollywood,
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00:02:43,571 --> 00:02:45,021
or talk to people...
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There's a guy that does sketches
on our show, Charlie Murphy.
69
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He was, like, "Tyree" in
"The Mad Real World."
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That's Eddie Murphy's
older brother.
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00:02:54,415 --> 00:02:56,149
A lot of people
don't know that but,
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00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:58,318
he used to just tell us
stories at lunchtime
73
00:02:58,319 --> 00:03:01,354
about being in Hollywood
that were so crazy.
74
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:05,652
And he told us
one story that was so good
75
00:03:05,693 --> 00:03:10,424
we had to have him come here and
tell it for you guys tonight.
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00:03:10,465 --> 00:03:12,632
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise,
77
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Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories.
78
00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,930
(applause)
79
00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:21,742
I get out the Navy,
my brother's famous.
80
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,304
His fame is exploding.
81
00:03:24,345 --> 00:03:26,513
I'm real proud of that,
you know what I mean?
82
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I'm getting to
hang out with people
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that I only read about
in magazines
84
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and seen, you know,
on the screen somewhere.
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I'm, like, standing
next to them
86
00:03:35,189 --> 00:03:36,923
and being at
dinner tables with them
87
00:03:36,924 --> 00:03:39,092
and, you know, it was
a bug-out, man.
88
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,261
You know,
I was a huge Rick James fan.
89
00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:43,430
That's the first person
that I would say
90
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,599
out of all
the celebrities that I met
91
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,294
that I was starstruck.
92
00:03:47,335 --> 00:03:49,503
We gonna hang out
with Rick James tonight
93
00:03:49,504 --> 00:03:50,804
you know what I'm saying?
94
00:03:50,805 --> 00:03:52,105
And here he comes out the room,
when I look at him...
95
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,840
and I'm not
bullshitting you, man,
96
00:03:53,841 --> 00:03:55,102
I seen, like...
97
00:03:55,143 --> 00:03:58,138
like a orange...
his aura or whatever,
98
00:03:58,179 --> 00:04:00,307
I seen it,
it was orange.
99
00:04:00,348 --> 00:04:02,476
Give it to me, baby
100
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:06,214
he started kicking it.
101
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:07,680
And he was
mad-niggerish, man,
102
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,022
which was right up my alley.
103
00:04:09,023 --> 00:04:11,191
I'm one of the baddest
motherfuckers of all time.
104
00:04:11,192 --> 00:04:12,492
I'm one of
the best singers
105
00:04:12,493 --> 00:04:14,227
and one of the best-lookin'
motherfuckers you've ever seen.
106
00:04:14,228 --> 00:04:15,488
Hold my drink, bitch.
107
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,264
He'd walk up to any chick
108
00:04:17,265 --> 00:04:20,405
and lick the whole side
of their face, man.
109
00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:24,598
I'm Rick James, bitch.
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00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:25,899
Enjoy yourself.
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00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:27,634
Heh, heh, heh...
112
00:04:27,675 --> 00:04:29,409
We got closer,
started hanging out.
113
00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:32,250
My brother didn't do
any of this shit.
114
00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:34,573
So, at night,
when Eddie would break out
115
00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:37,424
we would all be getting
crazy and wild.
116
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And if I was
hanging with Rick,
117
00:04:38,953 --> 00:04:40,687
he had this thing with me
118
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where he used to always,
like, fuck with me, man.
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I don't know
what started it.
120
00:04:45,893 --> 00:04:47,627
Charlie, he was hanging out
with the big dogs, you know?
121
00:04:47,628 --> 00:04:49,796
Charlie, he didn't know he was
doing crazy things
122
00:04:49,797 --> 00:04:51,490
and I had to
straighten him out.
123
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:53,266
Sometimes I had to go
upside his head.
124
00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:55,435
Things escalated
to the point where
125
00:04:55,436 --> 00:04:58,038
(Charlie) You know,
my man got too familiar
126
00:04:58,039 --> 00:05:00,640
and I ended up having to
whip his ass, man,
127
00:05:00,641 --> 00:05:01,942
you know, because...
128
00:05:01,943 --> 00:05:03,677
you know, because he would
step across the line.
129
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:07,541
Habitually...
he's a habitual line-stepper.
130
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:08,882
The first time, you know,
131
00:05:08,883 --> 00:05:11,051
I had to end up
whipping his ass, uh...
132
00:05:11,052 --> 00:05:14,481
we went to "Studio 54."
133
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:17,123
We walkin' up into
the VIP section and, um,
134
00:05:17,124 --> 00:05:20,120
I'm looking around
to see who's there
135
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,895
and lookin' at the girls
and everything.
136
00:05:21,896 --> 00:05:23,589
And all of a sudden
I heard someone go...
137
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:26,193
Charlie Murphy!
138
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:31,832
That was,
cold-blooded...
139
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:34,000
heh, heh, heh!
140
00:05:34,041 --> 00:05:35,735
He had this ring on
141
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to commemorate this song
he had put out called "Unity."
142
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,828
And this was imprinted
in that black head of his
143
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,411
for at least a week.
144
00:05:44,452 --> 00:05:47,447
Unity...
145
00:05:47,488 --> 00:05:48,788
Eddie and everybody else
146
00:05:48,789 --> 00:05:50,916
thought that that was
the funniest shit.
147
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:53,126
And so, that threw me in a
weird space 'cause I'm, like,
148
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yeah, this is Rick James,
he's a star...
149
00:05:56,597 --> 00:05:58,725
I'm Rick James, bitch.
150
00:05:58,766 --> 00:06:00,894
This is
a celebration, bitch.
151
00:06:00,935 --> 00:06:03,930
Maybe I'm overreacting.
152
00:06:03,971 --> 00:06:05,272
I actually
went there, like,
153
00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:06,573
maybe I shouldn't
do nothing
154
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:08,308
but my ghetto side was goin'
155
00:06:08,309 --> 00:06:10,911
"yo, stomp this motherfucker
out, right here.
156
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,079
What the fuck
is wrong with him?"
157
00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,641
I drunk some wine and I'm
just getting started, bitches.
158
00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:16,802
Heh, heh, heh...
159
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,285
He totally
just wrote me off.
160
00:06:18,286 --> 00:06:20,020
Like, I'm that nigga
to steal on,
161
00:06:20,021 --> 00:06:21,321
you know what I'm sayin'?
162
00:06:21,322 --> 00:06:22,622
What, he's gonna
slap me back?
163
00:06:22,623 --> 00:06:25,184
I'm Rick James,
he's Charlie Murphy.
164
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,394
I waited, 'cause I knew what
hotel he was stayin' in.
165
00:06:27,395 --> 00:06:29,129
Eddie and them went home
166
00:06:29,130 --> 00:06:30,864
and I said,
"yo, I'll be right back."
167
00:06:30,865 --> 00:06:32,599
I shot over to the hotel,
went up to his room,
168
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,294
knocked on the door...
169
00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:36,897
so, then,
he comes in there.
170
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:39,958
And I said, "look, bitch,
I'm Rick James.
171
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Smack me!"
172
00:06:40,841 --> 00:06:43,403
Heh, heh, heh...
173
00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:46,873
Oh, Charlie Murphy!
174
00:06:46,914 --> 00:06:49,909
He had his head cocked
to throw another right hand.
175
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,986
When he was coming for it,
I just came... blaow!
176
00:06:52,987 --> 00:06:54,287
I caught him
with the front.
177
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:55,588
He'll tell it
like he gave me
178
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,191
some kind of Bruce Lee
crosskick or somethin'.
179
00:06:58,192 --> 00:06:59,885
I kicked the shit
out of him, man.
180
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:02,923
Aahh!
181
00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,296
The wind
is knocked out of him.
182
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,465
And then
he screams out...
183
00:07:12,506 --> 00:07:14,200
security!
184
00:07:14,241 --> 00:07:16,843
The one in the front,
he had crooked eyes and shit.
185
00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:18,578
His one eye
was lookin' at me,
186
00:07:18,579 --> 00:07:21,141
the other one was
looking at Rick.
187
00:07:21,182 --> 00:07:24,177
Rick had edged over
by the window.
188
00:07:24,218 --> 00:07:27,213
Now, Darkness,
the tables are turned.
189
00:07:27,254 --> 00:07:28,989
Do with him
whatever you like.
190
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,290
You motherfuckers
take one more step,
191
00:07:30,291 --> 00:07:33,326
I'm kickin' this nigga out
the motherfuckin' window.
192
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,587
Bobby, freeze!
193
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,796
You know you was wrong for
what you did to me earlier.
194
00:07:36,797 --> 00:07:38,965
Look what you did
to my face.
195
00:07:38,966 --> 00:07:43,263
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy,
it was an accident.
196
00:07:43,304 --> 00:07:45,432
I was having
too much fun.
197
00:07:45,473 --> 00:07:48,034
I'll offer you a truce.
198
00:07:48,075 --> 00:07:49,376
The stickiest
of the icky.
199
00:07:49,377 --> 00:07:51,978
You wanna smoke with
the old boy, Rick James?
200
00:07:51,979 --> 00:07:54,674
Yo, my forehead
is bumpin', man.
201
00:07:54,715 --> 00:07:56,316
Now that you mention it,
202
00:07:56,317 --> 00:07:59,312
I think I'm bleeding
inside my chest.
203
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,481
But I got the medicine.
204
00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:04,991
Bitch, come over here and
have sex with Charlie Murphy.
205
00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:06,686
I'm Rick James, bitch.
206
00:08:06,727 --> 00:08:10,590
That was how that
particular incident ended,
207
00:08:10,631 --> 00:08:12,799
but it wasn't the last time
I had to whip his ass...
208
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,950
whip his ass...
whip his ass.
209
00:08:14,969 --> 00:08:16,662
Don't you think
Charlie's a little old
210
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,004
to be taking karate?
211
00:08:18,005 --> 00:08:20,173
He probably takin' it
with the little kids.
212
00:08:20,174 --> 00:08:21,908
Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass
in his dreams.
213
00:08:21,909 --> 00:08:24,036
I told you, Charlie had
delusions of grandeur.
214
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,812
I'm telling you
what was happening.
215
00:08:25,813 --> 00:08:28,808
I'm Rick James, bitch.
216
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,451
You guys at home,
stay comfortable
217
00:08:31,452 --> 00:08:34,013
because the whole episode's
gonna be just like this.
218
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,274
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
219
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,896
I'm going to
the Dave Chappelle show.
220
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,157
How's this?
221
00:08:44,198 --> 00:08:47,193
(cheers & applause)
222
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,703
We're back with more
Chappelle's Show.
223
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:51,984
You know, folks...
224
00:08:52,006 --> 00:08:55,869
I don't know if you guys
are just joining us
225
00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:58,078
but if you
missed the first act,
226
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:01,114
Charlie and Rick James are in
the midst of a conflict.
227
00:09:01,115 --> 00:09:04,544
Let's see how the ongoing
228
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:07,580
Charlie and Rick James feud
develops.
229
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,223
The Studio 54 thing,
230
00:09:10,224 --> 00:09:12,392
that blew over,
you know what I'm saying?
231
00:09:12,393 --> 00:09:15,388
But then, you know,
here we go again.
232
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,163
Cocaine
is a hell of a drug.
233
00:09:17,164 --> 00:09:19,292
(chuckles)
234
00:09:19,333 --> 00:09:20,633
Rick is encouraging me.
235
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:25,799
You know, he shows up at
my brother's house, fucked up.
236
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,967
Nice place, nigga.
237
00:09:28,008 --> 00:09:31,437
(Charlie) So, he had these
dirty cowboy boots on.
238
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:34,080
Pushing us out of the way,
barged in the house.
239
00:09:34,081 --> 00:09:35,815
My brother had
these brand new couches.
240
00:09:35,816 --> 00:09:37,510
They were suede, right?
241
00:09:37,551 --> 00:09:38,418
And he gets
on the couch and says:
242
00:09:38,419 --> 00:09:40,547
Why don't
I stretch out?
243
00:09:40,588 --> 00:09:42,715
Heh, heh, heh...
244
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:45,358
and just started grinding mud
all into the couch, man.
245
00:09:45,359 --> 00:09:47,052
Hell, yeah, I remember
grinding my feet
246
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:48,788
into Eddie's couch.
247
00:09:48,829 --> 00:09:50,956
(man) You remember why you did it?
248
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,125
Because Eddie
could buy another one.
249
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,467
Fuck your couch, nigga.
250
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,070
Buy another one,
you rich motherfucker.
251
00:09:57,071 --> 00:09:58,371
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
252
00:09:58,372 --> 00:10:00,066
Fuck yo' couch!
253
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,235
Darknesses,
Darknesses...
254
00:10:02,276 --> 00:10:04,444
'cause of my complexion
he used to call me "Darkness."
255
00:10:04,445 --> 00:10:06,179
He calls me and my brother
"Darkness."
256
00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:07,480
He always says,
"Darkness Brothers."
257
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:09,649
See, this is long before
Wesley Snipes.
258
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:12,685
Back then, we was the
blackest niggas on the planet
259
00:10:12,686 --> 00:10:14,380
according to Rick James.
260
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:16,548
Both of them were
Brother Darkness.
261
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,284
Twin Brother Darkness.
262
00:10:18,325 --> 00:10:20,493
And we standing there,
looking at him
263
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:23,963
and he's looking right in our
eyes as he grinds his mud...
264
00:10:23,964 --> 00:10:26,566
see, I never just did things
just to do them.
265
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:27,867
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
266
00:10:27,868 --> 00:10:29,169
Just, all of a sudden,
267
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:30,904
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
268
00:10:30,905 --> 00:10:33,032
like it's something to do?
269
00:10:33,073 --> 00:10:35,241
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
270
00:10:35,242 --> 00:10:38,670
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
271
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:39,973
(tape rewinding)
272
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,350
See, I never just did things
just to do them.
273
00:10:44,351 --> 00:10:45,611
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
274
00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:47,347
Just, all of a sudden,
275
00:10:47,388 --> 00:10:49,515
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
276
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,857
like it's something to do?
277
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:53,026
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
278
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:56,496
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
279
00:10:56,497 --> 00:10:58,191
But then it was like,
280
00:10:58,232 --> 00:10:59,966
"you know what?
Let's handle this."
281
00:10:59,967 --> 00:11:01,267
We went over there...
282
00:11:01,268 --> 00:11:02,668
Hey, Charlie Murphy!
283
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:04,697
And we held him down,
284
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:07,451
and we just
wailed on his legs.
285
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:09,035
Aahhh!
286
00:11:09,076 --> 00:11:10,476
Aah, you Darkness...
287
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,806
you black, midnight
evil motherfucker!
288
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:15,542
Black magic,
Darkness!
289
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,710
You're all Darkness!
290
00:11:17,751 --> 00:11:22,482
You're fuckin'...
delirious motherfucker...
291
00:11:22,523 --> 00:11:23,783
Aah!
292
00:11:23,824 --> 00:11:26,386
You are cold as ice.
293
00:11:26,427 --> 00:11:28,121
But, still,
Rick James,
294
00:11:28,162 --> 00:11:29,896
even after taking
a beating like that...
295
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:32,025
Fuck yo couch, nigga.
296
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,759
This motherfucker's
goin' out.
297
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,969
His legs is like,
like, linguine.
298
00:11:35,970 --> 00:11:39,005
I've been kicked out of
better homes than this!
299
00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:42,435
I'll be back,
you black motherfuckers!
300
00:11:42,476 --> 00:11:45,905
Wide-nose-havin'
motherfuckers!
301
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:49,375
They shoulda never
gave you niggas money!
302
00:11:49,416 --> 00:11:51,543
You don't know how to
appreciate shit!
303
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,712
You know you can
get another couch!
304
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:57,183
What am I gonna do
about my legs, Eddie Murphy!
305
00:11:57,224 --> 00:11:58,734
My brother, you know,
306
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,561
he's a lot more
compassionate than I am.
307
00:12:01,562 --> 00:12:04,163
He's looking and the limo's
drivin' off and he said,
308
00:12:04,164 --> 00:12:08,027
"wow, man...
Rick really needs help."
309
00:12:08,068 --> 00:12:08,935
And I was, like,
310
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:10,670
"yo, we just
gave him some help.
311
00:12:10,671 --> 00:12:11,971
"Bust his fuckin' ass
and shit.
312
00:12:11,972 --> 00:12:13,665
"I bet you
he won't come over here
313
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,008
and disrespect
like that again."
314
00:12:15,009 --> 00:12:17,136
Wrong... wrong!
315
00:12:17,177 --> 00:12:19,779
We're talkin' about
Rick James, man.
316
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,342
Cocaine's
a hell of a drug.
317
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,981
I'm Rick James, bitch.
318
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:31,491
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
319
00:12:31,492 --> 00:12:36,222
With more of Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories.
320
00:12:38,224 --> 00:12:39,959
Chappelle's Show.
321
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,196
Better not
bring your kids!
322
00:12:43,237 --> 00:12:44,731
(cheers & applause)
323
00:12:44,772 --> 00:12:46,899
All right...
324
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,803
and now,
ladies and gentlemen.
325
00:12:50,844 --> 00:12:53,012
It is time for the
dramatic conclusion
326
00:12:53,013 --> 00:12:56,876
of Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories.
327
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,479
I had to fuck him up at 54.
328
00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:02,121
You know,
for what he did at 54,
329
00:13:02,122 --> 00:13:05,117
I had to go to his hotel and
kick the shit out of him.
330
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,760
Then, he came over
to my brother's house
331
00:13:07,761 --> 00:13:09,495
and I had to whip his legs
332
00:13:09,496 --> 00:13:11,664
because of what
he did on the couch.
333
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:12,532
I heard him tell a story
334
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:14,701
that he came into
the China Club one time
335
00:13:14,702 --> 00:13:16,436
and I was behind the bar.
336
00:13:16,437 --> 00:13:17,737
Now, this is true.
337
00:13:17,738 --> 00:13:19,038
(Charlie)
This particular night,
338
00:13:19,039 --> 00:13:20,340
I go over
to the China Club.
339
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:24,203
And, um, I walk in
and I'll never forget
340
00:13:24,244 --> 00:13:26,412
the first thing I seen
was O.J. Simpson.
341
00:13:26,413 --> 00:13:27,714
I remember
thinking to myself,
342
00:13:27,715 --> 00:13:29,449
"wow, that's O.J. Simpson!
343
00:13:29,450 --> 00:13:31,617
He has a big
fuckin' head, man."
344
00:13:31,618 --> 00:13:34,654
And I walk from there,
I went in the other section
345
00:13:34,655 --> 00:13:37,650
and there's Rick
behind the bar.
346
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:40,253
Drink up!
347
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:41,988
Be merry!
348
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:44,590
Welcome,
to the China Club.
349
00:13:44,631 --> 00:13:45,932
A China chung-chang
350
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:48,061
a China
chung-chung chang.
351
00:13:48,102 --> 00:13:50,863
Rick's, you know,
being Rick.
352
00:13:50,904 --> 00:13:52,004
Come on, baby,
show me your titties
353
00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:54,155
I'm Rick James,
do something!
354
00:13:54,174 --> 00:13:56,302
Umm... umm...
355
00:13:56,343 --> 00:13:58,077
I wish I had more hands.
356
00:13:58,078 --> 00:13:59,379
So I could
give those titties
357
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,375
four thumbs down...
heh, heh, heh...
358
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:04,977
I ain't realize
how high he was.
359
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,278
Next thing you know,
he's like...
360
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,448
Charlie Murphy!
361
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:10,331
What's up,
partner?
362
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,958
Darkness, everybody,
Darkness!
363
00:14:11,959 --> 00:14:14,520
Everyone,
Darkness is spreading!
364
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:15,862
Come over here, Charlie.
365
00:14:15,863 --> 00:14:17,163
I'm behind the bar
and I'm serving drinks
366
00:14:17,164 --> 00:14:18,464
and Charlie bends over,
367
00:14:18,465 --> 00:14:19,725
I call out,
"Charlie, come here."
368
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:20,593
Charlie...
369
00:14:20,634 --> 00:14:21,934
there's a new joke
going around,
370
00:14:21,935 --> 00:14:23,236
have you heard it?
371
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:27,100
What did the five fingers
say to the face?
372
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,268
What?
373
00:14:29,309 --> 00:14:31,003
Slap!
374
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:35,341
Cold blooded...
375
00:14:36,642 --> 00:14:38,811
Bang, bang!
376
00:14:38,852 --> 00:14:40,153
I'm Rick James,
bitch!
377
00:14:40,154 --> 00:14:41,414
Everybody...
378
00:14:41,455 --> 00:14:44,884
King Kong
ain't got shit on me!
379
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,659
I'm standing there,
I'm thinking,
380
00:14:46,660 --> 00:14:48,828
this nigga really
has lost his fuckin' mind.
381
00:14:48,829 --> 00:14:53,126
First of all,
you don't slap a man.
382
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,162
Okay?
383
00:14:56,203 --> 00:14:58,805
I mean, even when slapping
was fashionable, you know,
384
00:14:58,806 --> 00:15:00,540
they did it in Paris,
the guy would come up,
385
00:15:00,541 --> 00:15:02,275
whap-whap...
"I challenge you to a duel!"
386
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,403
They would have a gun fight
after that,
387
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,794
somebody had to go!
388
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,874
I just was bugging out.
389
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:10,082
Anyway,
I waited for about
390
00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:12,251
five minutes,
something like that.
391
00:15:12,252 --> 00:15:13,702
That's right, bitch.
392
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,155
That's right, bitch,
heh, heh, heh...
393
00:15:16,156 --> 00:15:17,850
ahh, Darkness!
394
00:15:17,891 --> 00:15:18,718
'Sup, man?
395
00:15:18,759 --> 00:15:20,019
Darkness!
396
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:21,794
Check it out,
check it out.
397
00:15:21,795 --> 00:15:23,095
I wanna tell you
somethin', come here.
398
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,224
Oh, what's goin' on?
399
00:15:25,265 --> 00:15:26,959
Ow!
400
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,734
I slapped
the shit out of him.
401
00:15:28,735 --> 00:15:30,430
God damn!
402
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:33,032
I came down on it,
like this.
403
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,579
His extensions was flyin'
all over the place.
404
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:40,840
That is absurd!
405
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,916
And he stepped back and
his eyes welled up with water
406
00:15:43,917 --> 00:15:45,651
like he was getting ready
to cry, and he said...
407
00:15:45,652 --> 00:15:48,214
why you hit me
like that, Charlie?!
408
00:15:48,255 --> 00:15:49,949
'Cause you hit me, man!
409
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:52,158
That was weeks ago,
motherfucker
410
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,259
I was partying!
411
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,929
No, that was tonight!
412
00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:57,363
And I see that
he really forgot.
413
00:15:57,364 --> 00:15:59,492
I hit you tonight?
414
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,094
Cocaine's
a hell of a drug.
415
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:09,035
I'm sorry, Charlie.
416
00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:11,637
Come here,
Darkness.
417
00:16:11,678 --> 00:16:13,806
Ha!
418
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:17,710
Heh, heh, heh...
it's a celebration!
419
00:16:17,751 --> 00:16:19,879
Bitches...
come here.
420
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,915
It's a celebration,
bitches.
421
00:16:22,956 --> 00:16:25,952
Show Charlie Murphy
your titties.
422
00:16:25,993 --> 00:16:28,120
I'm Rick James.
423
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:30,723
The milk's
gone bad!
424
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,233
That was
the ebb and flow.
425
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:37,270
It was, you know,
he would go over the top
426
00:16:37,271 --> 00:16:40,266
and then I would check him.
427
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,736
And then we would have fun
after that.
428
00:16:43,777 --> 00:16:45,904
We were still friends,
as a matter of fact.
429
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,475
I love Charlie Murphy.
430
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,849
But we'd have it out, smacking
each other upside the heads...
431
00:16:49,850 --> 00:16:52,411
smacking each other
in the face...
432
00:16:52,452 --> 00:16:54,620
punching each other
in the chest...
433
00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:56,315
kick each other.
434
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,483
(slow motion)
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
435
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:00,653
Fuck yo' couch!
436
00:17:00,694 --> 00:17:02,822
Ow!
437
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:07,159
They shoulda never
gave you niggas money!
438
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,761
Can you imagine
two grown men doing this?
439
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,365
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
440
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,534
(chuckling)
441
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,119
I must be losing my mind.
442
00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:19,779
Reminiscing about
Charlie Murphy
443
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,908
come kicking my ass.
444
00:17:21,949 --> 00:17:24,944
Ain't that a "B?"
445
00:17:24,985 --> 00:17:27,547
I'm Rick James, bitch.
446
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,715
(cheers & applause)
447
00:17:29,756 --> 00:17:31,924
I would like to
thank Charlie Murphy.
448
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,618
And I would like to thank
Rick James,
449
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,961
and I would like
to thank cocaine
450
00:17:34,962 --> 00:17:37,523
for bringing us
such a crazy story.
451
00:17:37,564 --> 00:17:38,823
I'm Dave Chappelle,
452
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,166
you're the best audience
in the world.
453
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:42,295
I'm out!
454
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,897
(cheers & applause)
455
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:48,841
They shoulda never
gave you niggas money!
456
00:17:48,842 --> 00:17:49,712
(horn honks)
457
00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:51,404
Hi,
thank you.
458
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,914
(man) How did Rick James
pick up a girl in the '80s?
459
00:17:54,915 --> 00:17:57,516
How did I pick up girls
in the '80s?
460
00:17:57,517 --> 00:17:59,645
I ain't have to say much.
461
00:17:59,686 --> 00:18:02,776
Charlie had to go through
this whole thing.
462
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:04,416
"Uh, can
I buy you a drink.
463
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:07,019
"Uh...
464
00:18:07,453 --> 00:18:08,794
"what sign are you.
465
00:18:08,795 --> 00:18:10,529
"This is my friend,
Rick James.
466
00:18:10,530 --> 00:18:12,223
We're goin' over to
Rick James's house."
467
00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:14,000
That's how Charlie picked up
girls after they was drinking.
468
00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:16,168
"We're goin' over to
Rick's house after the club,
469
00:18:16,169 --> 00:18:17,430
you wanna come?"
470
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,599
(chuckling)
471
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:23,256
Charlie used my name
to pick up girls.
33212
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