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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:03,470
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
2
00:00:03,511 --> 00:00:06,073
Chappelle's Show.
3
00:00:06,114 --> 00:00:07,374
Oww.
4
00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:10,410
Woo-hoo-hoo.
5
00:00:10,451 --> 00:00:11,712
Woo-hoo.
6
00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:14,748
Yeah, yeah.
7
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,351
Let's start
the show.
8
00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:23,622
What'll it be, guys?
9
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,198
I'll have
a scotch on the rocks.
10
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:26,934
I'll have
a Samuel Adams.
11
00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:30,364
I'll have
a Samuel Jackson.
12
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,705
You know something?
13
00:00:31,706 --> 00:00:33,666
I'll have
a Samuel Jackson, too.
14
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,135
Me three.
15
00:00:35,176 --> 00:00:36,870
(all laughing)
16
00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:39,513
Three Samuel Jackson's
coming right up.
17
00:00:39,514 --> 00:00:42,943
Good motherfuckin' choice,
motherfucker.
18
00:00:42,984 --> 00:00:46,847
Samuel Jackson,
made painstakingly by me,
19
00:00:46,888 --> 00:00:48,582
Samuel L. Jackson.
20
00:00:48,623 --> 00:00:50,317
It'll get you drunk!
21
00:00:50,358 --> 00:00:53,787
You'll be fuckin' fat girls
in no time!
22
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You might even
fight a nigga' or two!
23
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Mmm-mmm, bitch!
24
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,896
How's it taste,
motherfucka'?
25
00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:05,065
Huh?!
26
00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:06,799
Can you stop
yelling at me, please?
27
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,876
No, I can't stop yelling,
'cause that's how I talk!
28
00:01:09,877 --> 00:01:12,045
You ain't never
seen my movies?!
29
00:01:12,046 --> 00:01:14,608
"Juice,"
that was a good one!
30
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,343
"Deep Blue Sea!"
31
00:01:16,384 --> 00:01:19,813
They ate me,
a fucking shark ate me!
32
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Drink, bitch!
33
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"Jurassic Park!"
34
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Samuel Jackson,
it's my beer!
35
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"Yes, they deserved to die
36
00:01:29,831 --> 00:01:32,826
and I hope
they burn in hell!"
37
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,730
(man)
Dave Chappelle...!
38
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(cheers & applause)
39
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Oh,
that's right!
40
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That's right!
41
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Hey!
42
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:50,177
That's right.
43
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What's up,
y'all?
44
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,514
Welcome back... ohh.
45
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Come on, now,
calm down.
46
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We don't have
that much time.
47
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Thank you.
48
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
49
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you are seeing correctly,
I am smoking on television.
50
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I am smoking indoors,
you know why?
51
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,070
Because I didn't
vote for Bloomberg.
52
00:02:17,111 --> 00:02:20,973
Those of you across the nation
who don't know who Bloomberg is,
53
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,576
he is the mayor of this
great city of New York.
54
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I'm fighting!
55
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Somebody's
got to do it.
56
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You know, this Bloomberg guy
has messed everything up!
57
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Cigarettes
are $8 a pack!
58
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That's crack prices!
59
00:02:35,763 --> 00:02:39,232
People gonna be sucking dicks
for cigarettes soon!
60
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It's ridiculous.
61
00:02:42,270 --> 00:02:43,570
And then
once you buy a pack,
62
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you can't even
smoke inside.
63
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I can't stand it anymore.
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I can't stand it,
I'm fighting!
65
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(woman)
Whoo!
66
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That's right!
67
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It's in my blood.
68
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I have no choice
but to fight,
69
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I'm a genetic dissenter.
70
00:02:59,187 --> 00:03:01,354
That's right,
it's in my genes to dissent.
71
00:03:01,355 --> 00:03:05,218
I'll show you a tape
of my history.
72
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Damn, Bloomberg
is fucking up.
73
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:17,798
Man, Carter
is fucking up.
74
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:23,870
Damn,
Truman is fucking up.
75
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:28,642
Man, Lincoln
is fucking up.
76
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Son, white folks in general
is fucking up.
77
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Shhh, they coming.
78
00:03:37,317 --> 00:03:39,920
Man, the Chief's
fucking up.
79
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Hey, y'all, look.
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It's a boat with some
white people on it.
81
00:03:42,997 --> 00:03:46,417
Y'all wait here,
I'm gonna see what they want.
82
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Man...
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I fucked up.
84
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:55,535
Now, a lot of people say,
85
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:59,045
"Dave, if everybody else
is messing up so bad,
86
00:03:59,046 --> 00:04:01,214
what you think,
you can do better?"
87
00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:02,909
Yes, I do.
88
00:04:02,950 --> 00:04:05,986
That's why I'm gonna
run for mayor or something.
89
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That's right.
90
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(applause & cheering)
91
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:10,757
Maybe governor
or something else,
92
00:04:10,758 --> 00:04:12,018
you never know.
93
00:04:12,059 --> 00:04:13,360
I made a campaign ad, too,
94
00:04:13,361 --> 00:04:14,661
and I'll show it to you
right now.
95
00:04:14,662 --> 00:04:18,722
This is my first campaign ad,
it'll be on the air soon.
96
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:23,336
Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,
97
00:04:23,337 --> 00:04:25,847
we still face
many modern problems.
98
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:30,670
And modern problems require
modern solutions.
99
00:04:30,711 --> 00:04:32,404
Health care
is in shambles.
100
00:04:32,405 --> 00:04:33,747
Medicaid doesn't work,
101
00:04:33,748 --> 00:04:35,048
and the insurance
industry
102
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has made medicine
virtually unaffordable.
103
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Meanwhile,
our neighbors in Canada
104
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have free health care for
all their citizens.
105
00:04:41,989 --> 00:04:44,117
So what am I suggesting?
106
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Fake Canadian ID cards
for all Americans.
107
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If you get sick,
108
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run on up to Canada and
get yourself checked out.
109
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I'm Dave Chappelle,
110
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and I want to
represent you.
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We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
112
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We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
113
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,070
Don't go anywhere.
114
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,908
(man)
Chappelle's Show.
115
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Www!
116
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,454
Although America is the greatest
nation in the world,
117
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we still face
many modern problems.
118
00:05:17,058 --> 00:05:21,354
And modern problems require
modern solutions.
119
00:05:21,395 --> 00:05:23,563
Teen pregnancy is a
huge problem in this country.
120
00:05:23,564 --> 00:05:26,166
Now, what we need are
more programs in place
121
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that promote abstinence.
122
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My solution?
123
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Have every
high school principal
124
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have sex with the oldest teacher
in the school
125
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in front of the students.
126
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And make sure you
rub them both with mayonnaise
127
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to accentuate the sound of their
old flesh flapping together.
128
00:05:43,951 --> 00:05:46,553
This powerful image
is sure to be a deterrent
129
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that the children
will never forget.
130
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Goddamn, that's gross.
131
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I'm Dave Chappelle,
132
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and I want to
represent you.
133
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You know, folks,
134
00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,036
since I've been
doing this show
135
00:06:03,037 --> 00:06:06,072
a lot of rappers have been
asking me to be in their videos.
136
00:06:06,073 --> 00:06:08,201
Which is nice,
137
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:10,410
but they always want me
to do dumb stuff.
138
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Like, I'll be like,
"what I gotta do, Snoop?"
139
00:06:12,146 --> 00:06:14,748
"Okay, here it is, Dave,
it's a club scene
140
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:19,479
"and like, you was dancing
and you slip on a banana peel
141
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,948
"and your face lands in
some doo doo... splat.
142
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:26,026
"Now, you rolling around,
got dookie all over you.
143
00:06:26,027 --> 00:06:28,987
"And then
here I come with my gators on.
144
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,797
"My now and later gators
step over ya.
145
00:06:30,798 --> 00:06:33,833
And all you see is me
walking off in slow motion."
146
00:06:33,834 --> 00:06:35,135
It's like-hold up, nigga,
147
00:06:35,136 --> 00:06:38,086
why can't I be the one
in slow motion?!
148
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,733
I'm tired of being
the one in the doo-doo.
149
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,376
Everything looks better
in slow motion.
150
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This is the truth.
151
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:45,939
For instance,
152
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here's a tape of me
doing my laundry.
153
00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:59,819
Hey, how you doing,
Mrs. Kim?
154
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,076
Nothing funny about that.
155
00:07:08,102 --> 00:07:12,399
(laughter)
156
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:17,170
But why don't we
see me do my laundry...
157
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in slow motion.
158
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,754
("Enigma - Sadeness" playing)
159
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,978
(audience laughing
& applauding)
160
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,991
(audience laughing)
161
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:53,606
(audience laughing
& applauding)
162
00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:02,282
(audience laughing)
163
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:30,043
(cheers & applause)
164
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:35,682
Crazy.
165
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,284
All right...
166
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I like it in videos,
whenever you see a club scene
167
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club scene is always
in slow motion.
168
00:08:42,229 --> 00:08:43,490
You know why?
169
00:08:43,531 --> 00:08:44,831
'Cause it's gotta be.
170
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'Cause it sucks to be
in a club in regular life.
171
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,374
Check it out,
172
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:51,296
this is what it looks like
to be at a club normally.
173
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Hey, come on, man!
174
00:08:53,507 --> 00:08:56,069
Excuse me,
excuse me.
175
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,274
The robot?
176
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,781
You make me sick.
177
00:09:07,822 --> 00:09:09,949
(all gasping)
178
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,291
Sorry about...
179
00:09:11,292 --> 00:09:13,853
Oh!
180
00:09:13,894 --> 00:09:16,456
He's so corny!
181
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:22,135
Terrible, terrible
what they did to me.
182
00:09:22,136 --> 00:09:26,256
Why don't we take a look at that
in slow motion, though.
183
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:30,336
(techno music)
184
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,108
(audience laughing)
185
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:45,518
(audience laughing)
186
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:56,796
(audience laughing
& applauding)
187
00:09:57,664 --> 00:10:02,001
(slow motion)
I wanna suck your...
188
00:10:02,042 --> 00:10:04,604
(audience laughing)
189
00:10:05,905 --> 00:10:08,508
(all gasping)
190
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:13,713
(heat beating in slow motion)
191
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:18,918
(audience laughing)
192
00:10:29,762 --> 00:10:33,666
(audience laughing
& applauding)
193
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:42,775
(slow motion)
Me so horny...
194
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,454
(man in audience)
Yeah!
195
00:10:48,455 --> 00:10:51,017
(cheers & applause)
196
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,994
Much better.
197
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:05,331
That was
much better.
198
00:11:05,372 --> 00:11:07,974
Of course, we gotta
remember this concept
199
00:11:07,975 --> 00:11:09,275
is not across the board.
200
00:11:09,276 --> 00:11:10,536
It doesn't work
with everything,
201
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:11,838
just most things.
202
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,047
Some things look worse
in slow motion.
203
00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,742
Like, for instance,
204
00:11:15,783 --> 00:11:17,951
here's a tape of me
taking a shit.
205
00:11:17,952 --> 00:11:20,079
It happens.
206
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,550
(farts)
207
00:11:23,591 --> 00:11:26,586
(Dave)
Oh, ho ho...
208
00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:30,056
Pretty disgusting.
209
00:11:30,097 --> 00:11:33,526
Let's see that same shit
in slow motion.
210
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,129
(loud gurgle)
211
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:40,033
(explosion)
212
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:43,503
(cheers & applause)
213
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,917
People be mad about it,
like, R. Kelly,
214
00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:52,652
I seen
R. Kelly in a Chicago.
215
00:11:52,653 --> 00:11:55,648
He was mad at me.
216
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,592
"There ain't
no punch line to that,
217
00:11:59,593 --> 00:12:01,721
"that thing is mad.
218
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,231
How you gonna make a video
about peeing on somebody?"
219
00:12:05,232 --> 00:12:10,396
Nigga, how you gonna make a
video about peeing on somebody?
220
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,469
And on that note,
221
00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:19,112
take a quick commercial break
and we'll be right back
222
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,108
for some more
Chappelle's Show.
223
00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:33,553
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
224
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:40,059
America's #1 source
for offensive comedy.
225
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:42,702
You know what's cool about
being an American?
226
00:12:42,703 --> 00:12:44,831
We're all mixed up.
227
00:12:44,872 --> 00:12:46,606
I'm talking about
genetically.
228
00:12:46,607 --> 00:12:49,642
We've all got a little
something in us, right?
229
00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:51,770
And in some people,
it's more than others.
230
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,546
And that's when we
get to arguing.
231
00:12:53,547 --> 00:12:56,109
For instance,
my wife is Asian.
232
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,884
I'm black,
and we argue...
233
00:12:57,885 --> 00:13:03,483
about which half of Tiger Woods
is hitting the ball so good.
234
00:13:03,524 --> 00:13:06,084
Derek Jeter
is another guy like that.
235
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,860
Halle Berry is
somebody else.
236
00:13:07,861 --> 00:13:11,291
We've gotta stop arguing
about who was what.
237
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,499
We need to just
settle this once and for all,
238
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:15,234
we need to have a draft.
239
00:13:15,235 --> 00:13:18,665
That's right,
I said it.
240
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,307
Good evening,
and welcome to the first
241
00:13:21,308 --> 00:13:24,344
and maybe only Racial Draft
here in New York City.
242
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,512
Folks, this is for
all the marbles.
243
00:13:26,513 --> 00:13:28,247
What happens here will
state the racial standing
244
00:13:28,248 --> 00:13:30,416
of these Americans
once and for all.
245
00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:31,678
That's right.
246
00:13:31,719 --> 00:13:33,886
And the crowd is here
to support their races.
247
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:36,055
Well, Rob, some of
the biggest names in sports
248
00:13:36,056 --> 00:13:38,658
and in entertainment
are on the line tonight.
249
00:13:38,659 --> 00:13:41,694
And I'm excited to see who's
gonna be drafted by which race.
250
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,863
Seated behind me
on the stage there,
251
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,557
are the various
representatives.
252
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:46,466
And, believe it or not
253
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,634
the blacks have actually
won the first pick.
254
00:13:48,635 --> 00:13:50,803
Wow, that's the first lottery
a black person's won
255
00:13:50,804 --> 00:13:52,105
in a long time, Billy.
256
00:13:52,106 --> 00:13:53,840
Yes, and they'll
probably still complain.
257
00:13:53,841 --> 00:13:55,141
(chuckling together)
258
00:13:55,142 --> 00:13:56,402
Man, fuck you.
259
00:13:56,443 --> 00:13:58,553
Well, the black
representative
260
00:13:58,571 --> 00:13:59,479
is heading for
the microphone now,
261
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,607
why don't we
take a listen.
262
00:14:01,648 --> 00:14:04,210
We of the Black
Delegation...
263
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,680
choose Tiger Woods.
264
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:10,717
(cheering)
265
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:12,925
(Rob) No surprises there, fellas.
266
00:14:12,926 --> 00:14:15,528
The richest and most
dominant athlete in the world.
267
00:14:15,529 --> 00:14:18,091
His father black,
his mother Thai.
268
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,866
Well, that
doesn't matter anymore
269
00:14:19,867 --> 00:14:22,428
because now he is
officially black.
270
00:14:22,469 --> 00:14:25,465
Dave, the Asians
have got to be upset.
271
00:14:25,506 --> 00:14:27,240
(Dave) There's no
question about that, Rob.
272
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:28,541
But you gotta
think about it.
273
00:14:28,542 --> 00:14:30,276
He's been discriminated
against in his time,
274
00:14:30,277 --> 00:14:32,879
he's had death threats,
and he dates a white woman.
275
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,047
Sounds like
a black guy to me.
276
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:37,198
Tiger's taking
the stage now,
277
00:14:37,217 --> 00:14:39,778
and if you ask me,
he's looking blacker already.
278
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,514
Ah, I'd like to say,
279
00:14:41,555 --> 00:14:44,550
a tremendous
opportunity for me.
280
00:14:44,591 --> 00:14:49,756
To finally be part of a race
and have a home.
281
00:14:49,797 --> 00:14:53,659
I've been so confused
if I'm half Asian,
282
00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:55,828
so many things.
283
00:14:55,869 --> 00:15:01,033
So long, fried rice,
hello fried chicken.
284
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,769
I love you guys!
285
00:15:02,810 --> 00:15:05,371
(cheers & applause)
286
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,613
Ah, I always wanted to
say this...
287
00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:14,916
for shizzle.
288
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,950
Ha ha.
289
00:15:20,987 --> 00:15:22,328
Well, it seems as though
290
00:15:22,329 --> 00:15:24,063
Tiger Woods
is happy to be black
291
00:15:24,064 --> 00:15:25,794
and that's a good thing
292
00:15:25,799 --> 00:15:27,533
because I just
received word
293
00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:29,702
that he lost
all his endorsements.
294
00:15:29,703 --> 00:15:31,003
Ooh, that's a tough one.
295
00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:33,132
Oh, Amex, Tag Heuer,
Wheaties
296
00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:34,907
the whole shebang-a-bang.
297
00:15:34,908 --> 00:15:37,510
Tough break, nigga,
there's always Fubu.
298
00:15:37,511 --> 00:15:41,374
All right,
coming up now are the Jews.
299
00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:43,583
Many have speculated
about their pick.
300
00:15:43,584 --> 00:15:45,751
But I'm guessing
they're gonna pick Madonna
301
00:15:45,752 --> 00:15:48,354
and finish off the job
Kabbalah started.
302
00:15:48,355 --> 00:15:50,523
Yes, well, Rob, she was
born and raised Catholic
303
00:15:50,524 --> 00:15:52,258
then she became a whore,
304
00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:54,427
but over the last decade
she has studied the Kabbalah.
305
00:15:54,428 --> 00:15:57,029
And she even wrote
a Kabbalah children's book.
306
00:15:57,030 --> 00:15:59,198
(Dave)
Oh, here come the Jews.
307
00:15:59,199 --> 00:16:01,326
Why don't we take
a look downstairs.
308
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:07,400
Today,
we, the Jewish people take...
309
00:16:07,441 --> 00:16:10,002
Lenny Kravitz.
310
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,645
Wow, in a surprise move
311
00:16:12,646 --> 00:16:14,380
the Jews pick
Lenny Kravitz, folks.
312
00:16:14,381 --> 00:16:17,376
He's actually half-black
and half-Jewish.
313
00:16:17,417 --> 00:16:19,151
His mother was
on "The Jeffersons,"
314
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:21,320
a pivotal show
in black culture.
315
00:16:21,321 --> 00:16:24,750
And his father, a Jew,
was her lawyer.
316
00:16:24,791 --> 00:16:26,526
Heh, couldn't make that up.
317
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,956
Well, Lenny is
all Jewish now.
318
00:16:29,997 --> 00:16:32,598
Unfortunately, Lenny can't
make it here to accept.
319
00:16:32,599 --> 00:16:34,293
He's in Miami Beach.
320
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:36,028
Miami Beach?
321
00:16:36,069 --> 00:16:39,064
Well, he must have gotten that
news about being Jewish early.
322
00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:39,932
Ha ha ha...
323
00:16:39,973 --> 00:16:42,100
(Dave) All right, the Latins are up now.
324
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:44,310
Why don't we all take an
escucha to their pick.
325
00:16:44,311 --> 00:16:48,608
We, the Latinos,
choose...
326
00:16:48,649 --> 00:16:51,644
Elian Gonzalez.
327
00:16:51,685 --> 00:16:54,680
I don't understand
that one.
328
00:16:54,721 --> 00:16:57,921
We wanted to do this
before the white people
329
00:16:58,150 --> 00:17:00,752
try to adopt him as
one of their own...
330
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,054
again.
331
00:17:02,095 --> 00:17:04,223
(loud cheering)
332
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:05,958
Okay...
333
00:17:05,999 --> 00:17:07,692
guess
who's turn it is?
334
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:08,601
White people.
335
00:17:08,602 --> 00:17:10,336
Let's see what direction
they go in.
336
00:17:10,337 --> 00:17:12,071
Halle Berry
is still available,
337
00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:14,240
as is Mariah Carey's
crazy ass.
338
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:15,935
(coughing)
Cracker...
339
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:17,710
that's very mature,
Rondell.
340
00:17:17,711 --> 00:17:22,008
Thank you all,
(booing) Good afternoon.
341
00:17:22,049 --> 00:17:23,309
Excuse me.
342
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:24,650
(clears throat)
Pardon me.
343
00:17:24,651 --> 00:17:27,213
Hey, will you
cut the malarkey?
344
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:28,513
Okay, I'm talking.
345
00:17:28,514 --> 00:17:30,289
There's a white man
talking up here!
346
00:17:30,290 --> 00:17:31,551
Silencio!
347
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,852
(booing continues)
348
00:17:32,893 --> 00:17:34,587
Ungowa!
349
00:17:34,628 --> 00:17:37,189
Thank you...
damn it.
350
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:38,531
We, the White Delegation,
351
00:17:38,532 --> 00:17:41,961
are very proud to announce
our pick this year,
352
00:17:42,002 --> 00:17:44,130
Colin Powell!
353
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:45,865
What?
354
00:17:45,906 --> 00:17:47,640
Colin Powell
is not white.
355
00:17:47,641 --> 00:17:50,202
He's not even
an eighth white.
356
00:17:50,243 --> 00:17:52,371
He's 100% black.
357
00:17:52,412 --> 00:17:53,673
Last I heard.
358
00:17:53,714 --> 00:17:55,014
Wow, I gotta wonder
how the blacks
359
00:17:55,015 --> 00:17:58,010
are gonna be
taking this one.
360
00:17:58,051 --> 00:18:00,613
(Rondell)
We, the Black Delegation,
361
00:18:00,654 --> 00:18:05,384
accept the White Delegation's
offer to draft Colin Powell,
362
00:18:05,425 --> 00:18:08,894
on the condition that they
also accept Condoleezza Rice
363
00:18:08,895 --> 00:18:11,457
as a part of the deal.
364
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:19,705
By the power invested in me,
by white people everywhere
365
00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:21,000
we accept.
366
00:18:21,041 --> 00:18:22,775
You got yourself
a goddamn deal.
367
00:18:22,776 --> 00:18:25,338
(cheering)
368
00:18:27,506 --> 00:18:29,715
The Black Delegation
requests Eminem.
369
00:18:29,716 --> 00:18:31,450
Wait a goddamn minute,
Rondell,
370
00:18:31,451 --> 00:18:32,711
that's not
part of the bargain.
371
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:33,619
I'm hustling, baby.
372
00:18:33,620 --> 00:18:35,788
All right, well,
no hustling me.
373
00:18:35,789 --> 00:18:37,089
You're talking to
the ultimate hustler.
374
00:18:37,090 --> 00:18:38,351
I tell you what.
375
00:18:38,392 --> 00:18:42,254
Let's make all things fair,
we keep Eminem...
376
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:43,162
you get O.J. Simpson.
377
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,291
Yeah!
378
00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:47,893
(Dave)
Incredible!
379
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:50,970
A first round absolutely
chock full of surprises.
380
00:18:50,971 --> 00:18:53,572
Unbelievable, Colin Powell
and Condoleezza Rice
381
00:18:53,573 --> 00:18:55,267
now officially white.
382
00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:57,003
O.J. black again.
383
00:18:57,436 --> 00:18:59,171
What a day.
384
00:18:59,212 --> 00:19:01,380
You know,
if white people knew
385
00:19:01,381 --> 00:19:03,549
they were gonna get away with
picking a black person,
386
00:19:03,550 --> 00:19:05,718
I bet they
would have picked Oprah.
387
00:19:05,719 --> 00:19:06,978
Oh, well,
absolutely, Rob.
388
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,754
Thick thighs,
no felonies,
389
00:19:08,755 --> 00:19:10,489
she definitely would have
been a great pickup.
390
00:19:10,490 --> 00:19:13,092
Okay, the Chinese Delegation
is up next.
391
00:19:13,093 --> 00:19:14,827
Although they're the last,
392
00:19:14,828 --> 00:19:16,996
they've been waiting with
zen-like patience.
393
00:19:16,997 --> 00:19:18,691
My guess is Yao Ming.
394
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:20,900
He's been spending
a lot of time with blacks
395
00:19:20,901 --> 00:19:22,635
learning slang and
shit-talking.
396
00:19:22,636 --> 00:19:25,196
If they're not careful,
they might lose him.
397
00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:29,969
The Asian Delegation
chooses...
398
00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:33,005
the RZA, the GZA, U-God
399
00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,214
Inspectah Deck,
Ghostface Killah,
400
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:37,777
the Wu-Tang Clan!
401
00:19:37,818 --> 00:19:39,512
(Dave)
Oh, my God!
402
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:40,813
Oh, my God!
403
00:19:40,854 --> 00:19:43,022
But I have just heard it
with my own two ears.
404
00:19:43,023 --> 00:19:46,058
This is, by far,
the biggest upset of the night.
405
00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:48,661
The Chinese Delegation
pulling a fast one
406
00:19:48,662 --> 00:19:52,091
and choosing
the entire Wu-Tang Clan.
407
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,165
Brooklyn!
408
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:55,561
This is Big Boss,
Yorkers.
409
00:19:55,602 --> 00:19:58,597
We always been
a fan of the Kung Fu
410
00:19:58,638 --> 00:19:59,939
and the Chinese culture,
and shit.
411
00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:01,674
So, yo,
it's like bong-bong, you know.
412
00:20:01,675 --> 00:20:05,537
Yeah, I wanna remind everybody
to, um, diversify your bonds.
413
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,313
RZA got
an announcement to make.
414
00:20:07,314 --> 00:20:11,177
Oh, yeah, Ol' Dirty
has now changed his name
415
00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:12,950
from "Dirt McGirt,"
416
00:20:12,953 --> 00:20:15,513
to "The Old Dirty
Chinese Restaurant."
417
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:20,286
(chanting)
Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang..
418
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:24,623
Konichiwa, bitches.
419
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,567
Folks, thanks for joining us
on this incredible night.
420
00:20:28,568 --> 00:20:29,435
Our coverage ends here,
421
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,604
but be sure to catch
the rest on our website.
422
00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:33,773
Congratulations
to all the races.
423
00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:37,636
And konichiwa, bitches.
424
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,448
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
425
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:43,749
But don't go nowhere,
426
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:46,786
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
427
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:48,047
Okay!
428
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,158
I'd like to thank
each and every one of you
429
00:20:52,159 --> 00:20:53,853
for being here tonight,
430
00:20:53,894 --> 00:20:56,454
and I'd like to thank everybody
at home for watching.
431
00:20:56,455 --> 00:20:57,797
And hopefully
I'll see you next week.
432
00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,058
I'm out.
433
00:20:59,099 --> 00:21:01,227
(cheers & applause)
434
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,394
(Chappelle)
I'm rich, biatch!
435
00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:04,265
(horn honks)
436
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:05,564
Hi,
thank you.
437
00:21:05,605 --> 00:21:08,601
How's it taste,
motherfucker?!
438
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:09,902
Huh?!
439
00:21:09,943 --> 00:21:11,636
Will you stop
yelling at me?
440
00:21:11,637 --> 00:21:12,978
No I can't stop
yelling at you!
441
00:21:12,979 --> 00:21:15,107
This is my acting style!
442
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:17,276
You haven't
seen my movies?!
443
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:19,445
"Jackie Brown!"
444
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:21,180
"Star Wars!"
445
00:21:21,221 --> 00:21:24,256
The one where I say,
"yes, they deserve to die
446
00:21:24,257 --> 00:21:27,686
and I hope
they burn in hell!"
447
00:21:27,727 --> 00:21:29,421
I was in that, too!
448
00:21:29,462 --> 00:21:33,325
I was in "Juice,"
with Tupac Shakur!
449
00:21:33,366 --> 00:21:36,362
"Juice," nigga!
31372
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