Original subtitles

Chappelle's Show. Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Chappelle's Show.

Oww.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's start the show.

(cheers and applause)

(announcer) Dave Chappelle!

Oh, wow... man.

Welcome, welcome to the Chappelle Show, everybody.

Thanks for coming out, man, I am your, um, host.

(laughs)

You know, I gotta tell y'all,

I just bought one of the hottest albums

I bought in a long time, man.

That, that "Chocolate Factory", that R. Kelly.

He put it down.

(applause)

I mean, say what you want to say about his scandal,

but the music is scandal-proof, you know what I'm saying?

And any real fan of R. Kelly

wouldn't let that scandal stop him

because if you was paying attention to his music

all these years,

you might've seen it coming like I did.

Go ahead, roll that video.

Yeah... it's the R.

40 ounces of malt liquor

make me want to tell you somethin'.

Said rollin' around sittin' on dubs,

countin' the hours high on shrubs.

Coolin' in my Escalade.

Man, I'm paid. I got it made.

Take me to your special place.

Close your eyes, show me your face.

I'm gonna piss on it.

Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love.

I don't even want none of the above.

I want to piss on you yes, I do.

I'll piss on you. I'll pee on you.

Said your body, your body

is a port-a-potty.

I'ma pee out kick.

I can use karate, use karate.

I'ma pee on you.

Drip, drip, drip, pee on you.

Pour on you.

Piss on you. Piss on you.

You'll never feel quite the same

when you get a whiff of my Hershey stains.

I wanna poop on you too.

I want to pee in your food.

Only thing to make my life complete

is when I turn your face into a toilet seat.

I want to pee on you.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

I'll pee on you. I'll piss on you.

Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love.

I don't even want none of the above.

I want to piss on you. Yes, I do.

I'll piss on you. I'll pee on you.

Won't you braid my hair,

say, won't you braid my hair?

Before you start I'm gonna fart,

I'm gonna fart on you.

(applause and cheers)

Oh!

Boy, that R. Kelly can make a love song

about anything, can't he?

Now, a lot of you might be wondering,

"Dave, how are you gonna follow that?"

How else?

Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen,

for Paul Mooney's, time for, "Ask A Black Dude".

Are all their dicks really big?

Or are some small, some big?

Is it a mixed bag,

or do we just assume they're all hung like horses?

Brothers are packing, they seem to be packing.

I guess that's the way of the world.

That's why you have so many mixed couples.

White girl ain't that crazy.

How's the old saying go?

"Once you go black, you don't come back"?

You go white, you go running back to black.

Ain't that the way it goes?

It happens that way.

Wasn't Mariah Carey married to a white man?

And then they divorced...

she was humping on black chairs,

she went crazy when she got away from him.

Okay, I've always wondered why black guys shave their heads.

I mean, it just seems that they have great hair,

and I could never figure out

why so many of them shave their heads.

It's just a fad.

Now, white folks wear bald heads, too.

You know they ain't gonna let a nigga have nothing.

We wore naturals,

they took that, they take everything.

They took Tina Turner.

They took Michael Jackson.

They took James Brown... they gave him back.

Who else they take?

Lionel Richie.

Oh, they'll take stuff from you.

They will take, they won't let us have too much fun.

That's what I told some black people

the other night at my show.

I said, "don't get too fond of me

'cause white folks'll come in and take me."

They only want niggas to have a little bit of fun.

I get to talking some mess on your show,

they'll take your show, they'll fix you, too.

Woo!

That Paul Mooney is something!

I can't believe this is actually happening.

R. Kelly actually sent over the "Piss On You" remix.

(man) What?!

I'm serious!

For real, look!

Normally I don't do this,

but I'ma hit y'all off with a little taste of the remix.

Y'all ready? Here we go.

I pick you up from the club.

Take you home to make some love.

Got a surprise, close your eyes.

I'm gonna cover you with suds.

I'm gonna give you some poo-poo.

I'm gonna give you some pee-pee.

I'm gonna give you some doo-doo.

Wash it down with some wee-wee.

This is the remix edition of the song about pissin'.

I got that peein' leakin', reekin'

and there's juice in the kitchen.

Yeah... that's how it goes at an T. Kelly party.

I sip Cris'...

you drink piss.

"I Wanna Piss On You" remix.

You heard?

You know, I'm serious.

I really do want to piss on you.

(applause)

We'll take a quick commercial break.

Don't go nowhere, we'll be right back.

Chappelle's Show. Ow.

Hey, gang.

Boy, so much to talk about tonight.

I've been watching the, the History Channel a lot.

The History Channel,

it gives you perspective on a lot of things.

For instance, gang violence

is something that I never really understood.

And then I was watching the History Channel

and they just came with it, man.

They really enlightened me.

(host) Welcome to "The World's Greatest Wars".

We've reviewed The Civil War,

World War II and The Gulf War.

But now, we turn your attention to a classic war

that took place right here on American soil.

For the last 20 years, on Chicago's South side,

a violent war has been waged between two bitter enemies,

the 19th Street Gangsters and the River Terrace Crew.

The war began in 1982 over a pair of basketball shoes.

But not just any basketball shoes.

These... were Nikes.

"Ay, dog, ay,"

Earl "The Snake" White called out

after a rival member of the 19th Street Gangsters,

General Cornrow Wallace,

made minor contact with his shoes.

Ay!

Ay, dog, ay.

You stepped on my sneaker, man!

The Snake knew then that he would have to fight him.

Aah!

Ah, aah!

What you got?

Oh! Aah!

(mocking) Aah! Aah!

Get that shit off my sneakers!

(clucking, cooing)

The Snake was down, but not out.

He returned to the Crew's clubhouse

and rallied the troops with a most impassioned speech.

Some mark-ass trick just stepped on my sneakers

and poured morton salt all over 'em.

Are y'all ready to ride?

Robble, robble.

(all) Robble, robble!

Let's ride on these fools at their own barbecue.

Wasting no time, the Crew commenced

stomping on people's sneakers

to let them know who ran the projects.

General Cornrow Wallace pulled out a gun...

unheard of, at that point, in street fighting.

(gunshot)

A resident called 9-1-1 immediately.

Police showed up promptly four hours later.

Cornrow was sentenced to seven years in prison.

His time there would be formative, to say the least.

(clucking, cooing)

His roommate in jail was a man named Tyrone Biggums,

who regaled Cornrow with stories

of a new way to make cocaine.

It's called crack!

It's great!

And it's so simple to make!

All you need is some cocaine

and some baking soda...

and I think I tasted egg and cinnamon.

Whoever sells it is gonna be rich!

Cornrow immediately alerted his friends on the outside

via a letter.

(man reading slowly) "Yo.

"Y'all niggers need to cook up cocaine

"with... ba-king powder and sell it.

"All the best, Cornrollup.

P.S. (coos)"

They immediately started cooking the stuff up

and selling it on what little space they still controlled.

They had made hundreds of thousands of dollars

in mere weeks.

In no time, Snake and his crew followed suit.

The money made fueled what became a heated arms race

between the two groups.

(gunshots)

(explosion, Snake laughs)

The violence escalated every year,

finally peaking in 1989

when the 19th Street Gangsters sustained a massive loss

at the battle of the Kool Moe Dee concert,

which took place at... a Kool Moe Dee concert.

Newly released from prison,

revered General Cornrow Wallace was shot dead.

The funeral was somber

and filled with Cornrow's signature bird call.

(all cooing)

The funeral passed without incident

but what the crew did next

appalled even the hardest thugs.

The crew went to the graveyard

and dug up General Cornrow Wallace's body,

absconding with it to their hideout.

The incident was videotaped

and sent to members of the 19th Street Gangsters.

Hey, fool, we got your leader.

Look at us.

High five! High five!

Look at these pretty clothes there.

Get his shoes, look at them pretty shoes!

Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.

Robble, robble robble, robble.

Tensions between the Gangsters

and the 19th Street Crew rage to this day.

Most of the original members of the gangs

are either dead or in jail.

But we did speak to one member, Earl "The Snake" White.

Ironically, he now works at a friendly Shoe Source

in a strip mall on the exact location

where the Cardinal Projects once stood.

All right!

Snake, knowing what you do now, was it all worth it?

Yeah, it was a tragedy!

Can you repeat the question?

For the History Channel, I'm Jeff Frankel.

Good night.

(applause)

We're gonna take a quick commercial break,

but we'll be right back with more Chappelle's Show.

So don't go anywhere.

Ha-ha, go ahead!

Hey, gang, welcome back.

Welcome back.

So here at Chappelle's Show. we like to show people

the real versions of movies.

Okay, so I got another one for you.

Today we're gonna do "Deep Impact".

I don't know if you've seen it.

This was where Morgan Freeman was the black President.

An asteroid was speeding towards Earth,

and he had to figure out a way

to solve the problem and save humanity!

I wonder what would really happen, hmm?

Please be seated.

Hello, America.

As you all know, there's an asteroid the size of Maine

speeding towards Earth as we speak.

I'd like to take a moment out of the day to, uh,

address the allegations that this is somehow

my fault.

Firstly I'd like to say

that these allegations are absolutely and 100% false.

Secondly, and most importantly,

I'd like to say that you motherfuckers disgust me!

You're goddamn right I said it.

If you knew just one of the things

I was sworn to secrecy to,

you would buckle under the goddamn pressure.

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Like what?

How about this.

I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS.

We've had this for 25 years.

Have a great weekend.

Did I shock you? Are you crazy yet?

Well, I have somebody I'd like you to meet.

Come on up here, Paula.

America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula.

And here's Paula again.

And here's Paula one more time.

We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle

some 19-odd years ago.

Not only that, we added a pinch of black genes

so that they could do things like this.

Hit it, girls.

Running through the raindrops

wishing that you won't stop...

that'll be enough, thank you very much.

All right, baby.

Oh, hold on, Paula.

It's the cure for AIDS.

Sorry about last night.

Freaked out yet? Have I blown your mind?

Or you think you can still handle my job?

Because if you're cocky and you think you got hold of this,

I got some more information for you.

Would you like to know who killed Kennedy?

Yeah. Who killed Kennedy?

You ready for the truth, America?

Here it comes.

Oswald killed Kennedy.

That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy,

alone and by himself.

With a magic bullet.

That's right, the bullet was actually magical,

magic does exist.

We've known about this for some 2,000 years.

I'm not finished yet,

I have some more information that might startle you.

The R. Kelly sex tape.

That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me.

That's right,

I urinate on people when I have sex with them.

I'm a disgusting human being and I apologize

to the people who I've hurt and peed on.

Bet I blew your mind right there, didn't I?

I'm really on a roll and I don't care

because the world's going to end any day now.

So I might as well introduce you

to a good friend of mine, Bibble.

Bibble, come on up.

(man) Oh my God!

Is that an alien?!

America, this is Bibble.

Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away

in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.

And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology

we've seen over the last few decades:

Cell phones, pagers, Playstation 1 and 2.

You might think it was the Japanese who are responsible,

but anyone in the know

knows that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle

and all 'bout Bibble.

'Cause only Bibble can keep it so real.

Hey, uh, Bibble, is the spaceship ready?

(electronic voice) Aye, aye.

I'm ready to get out of here.

Okay, me and Bibble are about to leave,

but before we go I just want to say,

there's no hope for the Planet Earth.

There's no way to stop the asteroid

and you're all gonna die.

Everyone except for me.

And of course, Bibble, who's been so kind

to let me accompany him on his spaceship.

And I'm bringing those three cloned white women with me.

Good-bye, America.

I hope you all die in a fiery death

when the meteor hits next Tuesday.

Come on, Bibble, let's get out of here.

(man) Oh my God!

Aye, aye.

(applause)

All right, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.

But please, don't go anywhere

'cause we'll be right back.

Look at that.

Turn on your TV, what you gonna see?

I would like to thank the studio audience.

I would like to thank you at home.

You see, because I keep saying...

Hi.

Hey, what's up, man?

We just got a call, looks like you're having

a lot of fun out here.

Just having a blast, baby.

Yeah, we, uh, we are the white guys.

And we've come to take over your show.

What do you mean, are you...?

Well, we already got Paul Mooney.

Now we gotta take you.

You took Paul?

Yeah... oh, and by the way,

could you people stack the chairs

on the way out, please?

Thank you so much.

Hey, wait a minute, wait.

Get a picture of me and David before we go.

Oh, sure, sure.

Yeah, my daughter's gonna love this.

Oh, Hannah, yeah?

My daughter thinks you're really funny.

Okay, we got him now, huh?

Is this still live? Can we cut that?

Yeah, the mic's on... but, hey, hold on there...

Help!

Help!

What y'all clapping for?!

Help!

Watch your step.

This ain't no skit, bitch, help!

I'm rich, bi-atch!

(horn honks)

Hi, thank you!

Good night, Cornrow Wallace.

Watch out for the wolves.

Is it mornin' yet?!

I pee on people when I have sex with them.

(laughs)

Can I say "pee on people"

or is standards gonna kill me?

That's right, I spray people with urine

during sexual encounters.

Surprise, surprise, right in your eyes.

You're right, that's much lighter.

(crew laughing)