Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,221 --> 00:00:02,512
Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,
2
00:00:02,513 --> 00:00:04,054
I have been appointed
the new Mayor of Lurline.
3
00:00:04,055 --> 00:00:06,220
- Oh, of course. I understand.
- Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you.
4
00:00:06,221 --> 00:00:07,347
Uh, me too.
5
00:00:08,513 --> 00:00:10,304
Ma'am,
the U.S. Attorney's Office
6
00:00:10,305 --> 00:00:13,721
has impaneled a grand jury
to investigate the Meyer Fund.
7
00:00:13,722 --> 00:00:14,970
Madame P, got a moment?
8
00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:16,012
Can you fuck off?
9
00:00:16,013 --> 00:00:17,763
I have always tried
to be there for you.
10
00:00:17,764 --> 00:00:19,970
Well, how come you failed me
in algebra, Mr. Hennick?
11
00:00:19,971 --> 00:00:23,429
It would be really good if we
adopted another baby from China.
12
00:00:23,430 --> 00:00:25,471
How would you like the chance
13
00:00:25,472 --> 00:00:28,095
to help lead
a visibly repugnant underdog
14
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:29,596
to historic victory?
15
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,721
You want me to join
Jonah's campaign?
16
00:00:31,722 --> 00:00:33,137
How about,
for once in your life,
17
00:00:33,138 --> 00:00:35,846
you stop whining,
you stop complaining,
18
00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:38,804
and just man up?
19
00:00:40,138 --> 00:00:41,263
Get outta my way.
20
00:00:46,930 --> 00:00:51,095
Thank you, New Hampshire,
for manning up!
21
00:00:51,096 --> 00:00:56,679
What started in Iowa
with a come-from-behind,
second-place finish
22
00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:01,846
has built here tonight
into an all-out victory!
23
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:06,346
And now it's on
to South Carolina
24
00:01:06,347 --> 00:01:10,346
and then back
to the White House!
25
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,220
That's right, you heard me--
26
00:01:16,221 --> 00:01:18,429
back to the White House!
27
00:01:21,221 --> 00:01:23,888
Selina on TV:
We're going back...
28
00:01:23,889 --> 00:01:26,596
Which one of you donkey-dongs
was in charge of the balloons?
29
00:01:26,597 --> 00:01:28,763
- Believe it or not, Amy.
- She's still fuckin' up?
30
00:01:28,764 --> 00:01:30,220
She hasn't worked here
for months!
31
00:01:30,221 --> 00:01:31,721
Does anyone have
her new email address?
32
00:01:31,722 --> 00:01:35,012
"Man up" continues
to resonate in all
four quadrants.
33
00:01:35,013 --> 00:01:38,346
It's universal. Men hate women,
women hate themselves.
34
00:01:38,347 --> 00:01:39,554
The Geraldine Ferraro
principle.
35
00:01:39,555 --> 00:01:40,929
Hey, ma'am, I was hoping
36
00:01:40,930 --> 00:01:43,095
I could have some
more responsibility--
37
00:01:43,096 --> 00:01:48,054
Yes. Can you make me
a waxing appointment
in Charleston?
38
00:01:48,055 --> 00:01:50,179
- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.
39
00:01:50,180 --> 00:01:52,679
Ma'am, South Carolina
is gonna be tough.
40
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,846
- Black people love me.
- Gary: Love.
41
00:01:54,847 --> 00:01:58,596
Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas,
the civil rights leader,
he once said to me--
42
00:01:58,597 --> 00:02:00,346
- Ben: You told me this.
- Marjorie: We're aware.
43
00:02:00,347 --> 00:02:01,679
This is a classic.
44
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,054
He once said to me
45
00:02:03,055 --> 00:02:07,262
that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.
46
00:02:07,263 --> 00:02:09,012
Ben: Ma'am, you do know
47
00:02:09,013 --> 00:02:10,137
that this time you're running
48
00:02:10,138 --> 00:02:11,846
against an actual black person?
49
00:02:11,847 --> 00:02:13,220
Selina:
She's not even all-black.
50
00:02:13,221 --> 00:02:14,638
Plus, I'm gonna be
51
00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,512
Lion-Kinging
Little Richard all around
52
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:18,846
till I tear my rotator cuff.
53
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,304
Absolutely not, Mother.
54
00:02:20,305 --> 00:02:24,012
I have been working
for you for 18 years
55
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:26,512
- without a promotion.
- Right.
56
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,554
But some people kinda
think I deserve
57
00:02:28,555 --> 00:02:30,471
a bigger role
in the campaign this time.
58
00:02:30,472 --> 00:02:32,346
What kind of role
was your mother thinking of?
59
00:02:32,347 --> 00:02:34,429
I thought everybody
kind of did the same thing.
60
00:02:34,430 --> 00:02:37,929
Ma'am, our faith-based outreach
program is kind of a disaster.
61
00:02:37,930 --> 00:02:40,137
OK, so give Gary
the face-based thing.
62
00:02:40,138 --> 00:02:42,888
- It's "faith-based."
- I don't care.
63
00:02:42,889 --> 00:02:44,929
I gotta get a little
shut-eye before we land.
64
00:02:44,930 --> 00:02:48,804
Can we have the lights out,
please? Thank you.
65
00:02:48,805 --> 00:02:51,471
Dan: Hey, Ben, do you have
the county-by-county--
66
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,970
- Selina: No talking!
- Gary: No talking!
67
00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:56,179
Selina: I'm hearing moving!
68
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,512
Jonah: I can't believe
I got sixth place.
69
00:03:02,513 --> 00:03:05,471
It is time for us
to head over to
the electoral scrapyard
70
00:03:05,472 --> 00:03:07,596
and see if we can sell
your endorsement for parts.
71
00:03:07,597 --> 00:03:10,137
OK, I'm gonna go hang myself
from a sturdy pipe,
72
00:03:10,138 --> 00:03:11,970
and I'm not even gonna
bother jacking off.
73
00:03:11,971 --> 00:03:16,054
- You have time
for a drink beforehand?
- Mmm.
74
00:03:16,055 --> 00:03:18,804
Nancy: Well, you're still
my favorite son, Jonie.
75
00:03:18,805 --> 00:03:21,804
How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun
do one percent better than me?
76
00:03:21,805 --> 00:03:24,095
Well, you had three percent
and he had four,
77
00:03:24,096 --> 00:03:26,846
so actually,
he did 33% better.
78
00:03:26,847 --> 00:03:28,429
Don't math me, Lloyd.
79
00:03:28,430 --> 00:03:30,804
Math is a plot
invented by the Chinese
80
00:03:30,805 --> 00:03:33,137
to make smart Americans
feel dumb.
81
00:03:33,138 --> 00:03:36,179
Modern math was invented
by Islamic scholars
in the 7th century.
82
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:39,804
You were invented
by Islamic scholars
in the 7th century.
83
00:03:39,805 --> 00:03:41,763
Burn.
Sorry, Dad.
84
00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:44,346
Okay, Jonie, please,
don't yell at Lloyd.
Please, he's just--
85
00:03:44,347 --> 00:03:45,763
Sorry, what is that
on your finger?
86
00:03:45,764 --> 00:03:46,970
- Is that a ring?
- Lloyd: Well,
87
00:03:46,971 --> 00:03:49,679
I asked your mom
to marry me again,
88
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,220
and I'm hoping we can
get your blessing.
89
00:03:51,221 --> 00:03:56,138
No! You don't have it--
90
00:03:59,430 --> 00:04:02,679
Oh! Saint Theresa's
gray-haired gunt,
91
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,846
they're fucking again?!
92
00:04:05,847 --> 00:04:07,137
I'm sorry I'm late.
93
00:04:07,138 --> 00:04:09,012
The Meyer victory party's
still raging.
94
00:04:09,013 --> 00:04:11,095
They got some great coke.
95
00:04:11,096 --> 00:04:13,929
I can't believe you backed
another candidate, Uncle Judas.
96
00:04:13,930 --> 00:04:16,137
- When I'm president--
- Shut the fuck up!
97
00:04:16,138 --> 00:04:17,638
When you're president?!
98
00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:19,596
I'll jam my fist
up my dick hole
99
00:04:19,597 --> 00:04:23,429
and pull out a 40-piece
set of Danish cutlery
when you're president!
100
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,846
Selina Meyer is
a legitimate candidate,
101
00:04:25,847 --> 00:04:28,179
not a human pool skimmer
102
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:32,679
last used to de-spunk
a Provincetown hot tub party!
103
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,220
Congratulations, Sis.
104
00:04:34,221 --> 00:04:36,012
Let me know
where to send the gift.
105
00:04:36,013 --> 00:04:39,012
Spoiler alert:
It's Danish cutlery.
106
00:04:39,013 --> 00:04:42,013
Thanks, Jeff.
See ya in church
on Sunday.
107
00:04:43,847 --> 00:04:46,095
Gary? I need my tea.
108
00:04:46,096 --> 00:04:48,054
Marjorie:
And a well-done
egg white frittata.
109
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,304
Here you are, ma'am.
110
00:04:49,305 --> 00:04:51,179
Whoa. That startled me.
111
00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:52,429
Why are you Gary?
112
00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:54,763
He had an early
morning meeting.
113
00:04:54,764 --> 00:04:57,846
You can't just replace Gary
with another lesbian
114
00:04:57,847 --> 00:05:00,012
and think that
I'm not gonna notice what--
115
00:05:00,013 --> 00:05:04,679
Mmm. Wow, this tea is
the perfect temperature.
116
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,054
Thank you, ma'am.
I learned from
an Afghani warlord.
117
00:05:07,055 --> 00:05:08,596
We should put him
on the payroll.
118
00:05:08,597 --> 00:05:11,054
- You killed him
in a drone strike.
- Oh, well.
119
00:05:11,055 --> 00:05:12,929
I laid out your outfit
for the day.
120
00:05:12,930 --> 00:05:15,220
Oh. Oh, wow!
121
00:05:15,221 --> 00:05:17,804
I never thought before
to put the Bottega pumps
122
00:05:17,805 --> 00:05:19,346
with the Michael Kors top.
123
00:05:19,347 --> 00:05:21,387
You've been taking
fashion advice from a man
124
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:23,304
who dresses like an overgrown
ventriloquist dummy.
125
00:05:23,305 --> 00:05:25,679
That's a solid point.
126
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,095
- Oh! Is this edible?
- No, ma'am.
127
00:05:28,096 --> 00:05:29,554
Oh. Uhh.
128
00:05:29,555 --> 00:05:33,679
Gary: Hello.
129
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,220
- Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein.
- Nice to meet you.
130
00:05:36,221 --> 00:05:38,763
- We're all ready to--
- Ahh! Yep. Yeah. Perfect.
131
00:05:38,764 --> 00:05:40,095
Did you see the spread
that I ordered?
132
00:05:40,096 --> 00:05:42,346
These are fresh bagels
from New York,
133
00:05:42,347 --> 00:05:45,179
which I'm very excited about
'cause the president
hates bagels--
134
00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:48,429
shh-shh-shh--
and she can't even be
in the same room with donuts.
135
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:49,763
Uh, so why don't we get started?
136
00:05:49,764 --> 00:05:52,054
Of course, of course,
I've love that.
137
00:05:52,055 --> 00:05:56,262
I would love that.
138
00:05:56,263 --> 00:06:00,096
Here we go.
139
00:06:05,138 --> 00:06:06,804
- Mr. Walsh.
- Yeah?
140
00:06:06,805 --> 00:06:08,888
This is your meeting.
You're in charge.
141
00:06:08,889 --> 00:06:13,763
Oh, I know. I know. I know.
142
00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:16,137
Of course.
143
00:06:16,138 --> 00:06:18,597
Can I make anyone a plate?
144
00:06:22,388 --> 00:06:23,721
What up, Mojo?
145
00:06:23,722 --> 00:06:24,929
When are you and I gonna have
146
00:06:24,930 --> 00:06:26,054
that pussy-eating contest?
147
00:06:26,055 --> 00:06:27,220
You have ten minutes.
148
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,137
I started timing
the moment you knocked.
149
00:06:29,138 --> 00:06:32,387
- Amy: Ma'am! So good
to see you again.
- Amy!
150
00:06:32,388 --> 00:06:34,596
How is that baby?
Must be gettin' big.
151
00:06:34,597 --> 00:06:37,137
It's great. So the reason
that we are here is...
152
00:06:37,138 --> 00:06:40,429
- Yeah.
- Congressman Ryan
is considering stepping aside
153
00:06:40,430 --> 00:06:42,095
- and endorsing you--
- I want vice president.
154
00:06:42,096 --> 00:06:43,471
- That's not negotiable.
- Let's go.
155
00:06:43,472 --> 00:06:44,679
No, I'm willing to negotiate.
156
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,471
What about Department
of the Exterior?
157
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:49,262
- Interior.
- We're gonna negotiate
against ourselves now, Amy?
158
00:06:49,263 --> 00:06:51,888
Amy, Amy, I mean...
159
00:06:51,889 --> 00:06:54,220
Oh, God.
160
00:06:54,221 --> 00:06:57,638
If Ellen had
a little sister from China,
161
00:06:57,639 --> 00:06:59,596
it might help her
bond with... Mike.
162
00:06:59,597 --> 00:07:02,596
Or, uh, I could bond
with the new one.
163
00:07:02,597 --> 00:07:04,638
Tell 'em about
your big new job, Mike.
164
00:07:04,639 --> 00:07:05,929
Oh, gosh, yeah!
165
00:07:05,930 --> 00:07:08,095
I have my own webcast
on BuzzFeed.
166
00:07:08,096 --> 00:07:11,304
I call it "McLintalk."
A-L-K?
167
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,679
It would be funny
if you were American.
168
00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,304
So, is--
is everything all right?
169
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:18,638
Just one last question,
Mr. McLintock,
170
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,846
are you still close
with President Selina Meyer?
171
00:07:21,847 --> 00:07:24,679
Full disclosure:
She still doesn't like
when I eat in front of her.
172
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,638
- Very good. Very good!
- Wendy: Very good!
173
00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:28,804
Gang-Hua Li:
If you will just
head down the hallway,
174
00:07:28,805 --> 00:07:30,262
we will have you sign
the application.
175
00:07:30,263 --> 00:07:32,179
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
176
00:07:32,180 --> 00:07:34,304
- Mr. McLintock.
- Yeah?
177
00:07:34,305 --> 00:07:39,220
I was wondering if you
could deliver a message
to President Meyer for me?
178
00:07:39,221 --> 00:07:42,095
Remembering things
and reporting them back
to people is not my strong suit,
179
00:07:42,096 --> 00:07:43,763
but I could write it down.
180
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,137
Please don't write it down.
181
00:07:45,138 --> 00:07:47,346
O-kay.
182
00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:50,346
Jordan Thomas:
My father started this youth
center for one reason:
183
00:07:50,347 --> 00:07:51,596
You gotta keep
the kids off the streets.
184
00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:53,220
That's right. Gangs and--
185
00:07:53,221 --> 00:07:55,262
What you need is more
police protection.
186
00:07:55,263 --> 00:07:58,554
As you know, the police
are doing most of the shootings.
187
00:07:58,555 --> 00:08:00,429
Yeah, well, the police
are out of control.
188
00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:02,054
- Let me give you
the rest of the tour.
- OK.
189
00:08:02,055 --> 00:08:03,888
- Huh?!
- Marjorie: Ma'am,
190
00:08:03,889 --> 00:08:06,429
last month a local
eight-year-old boy
was shot by police
191
00:08:06,430 --> 00:08:08,429
when his candy bar
was mistaken for a gun.
192
00:08:08,430 --> 00:08:09,888
And how was I
supposed to know that?
193
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:11,304
It was in today's
Line-By-Line.
194
00:08:11,305 --> 00:08:12,679
You know I don't read
what you give me.
195
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,095
Jordan: Thought I lost you!
196
00:08:14,096 --> 00:08:15,763
Let's continue the tour.
Come on, kids are waiting.
197
00:08:15,764 --> 00:08:18,220
Selina: Your father
was such a great man,
198
00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:21,095
and you have inherited
not only his good looks,
199
00:08:21,096 --> 00:08:22,638
but also his charisma!
200
00:08:22,639 --> 00:08:24,763
Now I'm blushin'
and a little bit crushin'.
201
00:08:24,764 --> 00:08:27,220
I would really love
to be able to count on
202
00:08:27,221 --> 00:08:29,387
your endorsement
this time around.
203
00:08:29,388 --> 00:08:30,763
- Really?
- Yeah.
204
00:08:30,764 --> 00:08:33,596
- You're gonna
make me say it?
- Say what?
205
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,387
She gonna
make me say it!
206
00:08:35,388 --> 00:08:37,346
We've got a sister
runnin', ya know.
207
00:08:37,347 --> 00:08:39,554
We got race in the race.
Praise Jesus!
208
00:08:39,555 --> 00:08:41,929
Yes. Indeedy. I, you know,
209
00:08:41,930 --> 00:08:43,970
Progress!
210
00:08:43,971 --> 00:08:47,721
But your daddy used
to say to me
211
00:08:47,722 --> 00:08:50,429
that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.
212
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,763
Can I tell you something?
213
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,846
My dad said that
to a lot of white women.
214
00:08:53,847 --> 00:08:57,596
That was his move.
Now you know.
215
00:08:57,597 --> 00:09:00,054
Oh. I would love to see you
at services on Sunday,
216
00:09:00,055 --> 00:09:02,679
and I would love it if you
would speak to the congregation.
217
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,554
Well, I'm-- I'm, uh,
218
00:09:04,555 --> 00:09:06,930
I'm pretty booked up.
No. Just take it away.
219
00:09:09,263 --> 00:09:11,095
Amy: Senator Talbot,
220
00:09:11,096 --> 00:09:12,596
we believe you are positioned
221
00:09:12,597 --> 00:09:13,763
to win the nomination,
222
00:09:13,764 --> 00:09:15,471
and we might be considering
223
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:17,638
suspending
Congressman Ryan's campaign.
224
00:09:17,639 --> 00:09:18,970
Definitely the right move.
225
00:09:18,971 --> 00:09:19,970
K-Jazz.
226
00:09:19,971 --> 00:09:21,304
Ask me what's on my mind.
227
00:09:21,305 --> 00:09:23,721
Fine. What's on your mind,
Congressman Ryan?
228
00:09:23,722 --> 00:09:25,304
I'm glad you asked,
229
00:09:25,305 --> 00:09:28,179
because my mind's
on my money...
230
00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:30,304
and my money's on my mind.
231
00:09:30,305 --> 00:09:32,805
Laid back.
232
00:09:34,305 --> 00:09:35,554
Jonah:
I thought she'd be more--
233
00:09:35,555 --> 00:09:38,220
I thought you'd
be more familiar.
234
00:09:38,221 --> 00:09:39,471
I mean, did you
at least watch Martin?
235
00:09:39,472 --> 00:09:41,262
- "Damn, Gina!"
- We should go.
236
00:09:41,263 --> 00:09:43,554
- What? She asked.
- Just let us know
if we can be of any help.
237
00:09:43,555 --> 00:09:45,970
Could you give me HUD?
Nobody cares about it.
238
00:09:45,971 --> 00:09:48,304
It's like the fat girl
of Cabinet posts.
239
00:09:48,305 --> 00:09:52,387
Ma'am, the new
anti-Kemi mail pieces
just came in.
240
00:09:52,388 --> 00:09:55,012
What the tragic mulatto fuck?
241
00:09:55,013 --> 00:09:56,721
Kemi looks like an albino.
242
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:59,346
And I'm so black,
people are gonna start
calling me articulate.
243
00:09:59,347 --> 00:10:02,012
Hey, ma'am.
Presenting my first
faith-based outreach video.
244
00:10:02,013 --> 00:10:03,179
- Man: Outreach. Reaching out.
- No.
245
00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:04,512
Okay.
246
00:10:04,513 --> 00:10:06,888
Look, guys, if we're not
getting the black vote,
247
00:10:06,889 --> 00:10:09,387
then we have to take
a hard turn to the white.
248
00:10:09,388 --> 00:10:12,137
Kent, how are we doing with
non-college-educated whites?
249
00:10:12,138 --> 00:10:13,429
- Look at this.
- Kent: Underwater, ma'am.
250
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:15,387
Then how about
college-educated whites?
251
00:10:15,388 --> 00:10:16,679
Uh, in South Carolina,
252
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,471
that is not a significant
slice of the pie.
253
00:10:19,472 --> 00:10:20,846
Then we're gonna
have to find a way
254
00:10:20,847 --> 00:10:22,804
with non-college-educated
whites.
255
00:10:22,805 --> 00:10:24,679
Like, what appeals to them--
256
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:26,346
What appeals to them?
What do they want?
257
00:10:26,347 --> 00:10:29,512
Well, my polling shows
their main wants are jobs,
258
00:10:29,513 --> 00:10:31,262
education, and an adequate
safety net--
259
00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:33,888
- Okay, not gonna speak to that.
- I'm not finished, ma'am.
260
00:10:33,889 --> 00:10:36,262
"...to be denied
to African Americans."
261
00:10:36,263 --> 00:10:38,721
My video could help, actually.
262
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:39,970
No!
263
00:10:39,971 --> 00:10:42,095
Listen, we have to find a way
264
00:10:42,096 --> 00:10:45,262
to say those things
without actually saying them.
265
00:10:45,263 --> 00:10:47,638
- Like a dog whistle.
- Yes, exactly!
266
00:10:47,639 --> 00:10:49,846
Okay. You know what?
You could talk about charter
schools. Mention something--
267
00:10:49,847 --> 00:10:51,387
Come on, that's
like a dog whisper.
268
00:10:51,388 --> 00:10:53,554
You could "reject"
an endorsement
269
00:10:53,555 --> 00:10:55,512
from a pro-Confederacy group.
270
00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:58,638
That's like a dog
exploding space shuttle.
271
00:10:58,639 --> 00:11:02,012
- I need something loud,
not too loud like--
- Dog chainsaw?
272
00:11:02,013 --> 00:11:05,095
- No, that's too droney.
- Marjorie: A dog snowmobile.
273
00:11:05,096 --> 00:11:07,387
Why would I know what that even
sounds like? I mean, seriously.
274
00:11:07,388 --> 00:11:09,387
- I'm sorry, ma'am.
- A dog leaf blower?
275
00:11:09,388 --> 00:11:11,512
- Yeah, I like that. Yes.
- That's right.
276
00:11:11,513 --> 00:11:13,346
- Steady.
- ...exactly like
a dog chainsaw--
277
00:11:17,555 --> 00:11:20,012
Okay, this is closed.
I don't know-- this is closed.
278
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,970
Wait a minute--
what is Gary doing here?
279
00:11:21,971 --> 00:11:23,679
This is my first strategic
meeting at the big table.
280
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,262
Okay, guys,
what you need to do
281
00:11:25,263 --> 00:11:27,970
is get me in front
of huge white audiences.
282
00:11:27,971 --> 00:11:29,763
Huge. Huge.
283
00:11:29,764 --> 00:11:31,512
Something that makes
a NASCAR race look
284
00:11:31,513 --> 00:11:33,262
like a Jay-Z concert, you know?
285
00:11:33,263 --> 00:11:35,554
Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts
are almost all white people.
286
00:11:35,555 --> 00:11:37,262
Okay, well, right? I know.
287
00:11:37,263 --> 00:11:38,970
Mike:
Hey, guys! Big news.
288
00:11:38,971 --> 00:11:41,012
Wendy and I are adopting
another Chinese baby.
289
00:11:41,013 --> 00:11:42,763
Where are you registered?
Child Protective Services?
290
00:11:42,764 --> 00:11:44,346
No, Gymboree.
291
00:11:44,347 --> 00:11:45,929
I love that they make clothes
in your size now, Mike.
292
00:11:45,930 --> 00:11:47,679
- Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot.
- Yeah?
293
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,054
The guy at the Chinese consulate
294
00:11:49,055 --> 00:11:51,262
said he had a message
for you from President Liu.
295
00:11:51,263 --> 00:11:53,095
Wait, what?
296
00:11:53,096 --> 00:11:55,054
He said, "President Liu
is watching the election
297
00:11:55,055 --> 00:11:58,095
with great interest and hopes
to return to your conversation
298
00:11:58,096 --> 00:12:00,888
about the Diaoyu Islands
in the near future.
299
00:12:00,889 --> 00:12:05,054
Hey, can you go look at,
uh, Gary's faith video?
300
00:12:05,055 --> 00:12:06,929
- Yeah, we need some help.
- Oh, sure.
301
00:12:06,930 --> 00:12:09,638
- You need the McLintock spin?
- Sure.
302
00:12:09,639 --> 00:12:10,846
Oh, hey, ma'am,
you got a moment?
303
00:12:10,847 --> 00:12:12,638
- Selina: No.
- Copy that.
304
00:12:12,639 --> 00:12:15,263
What the fuck was-- out!
305
00:12:18,930 --> 00:12:20,304
What was that?!
306
00:12:20,305 --> 00:12:22,804
Liu sent you
a message inside Mike.
307
00:12:22,805 --> 00:12:24,304
A misfortune cookie.
308
00:12:24,305 --> 00:12:26,429
Who cares about
an island that doesn't have
309
00:12:26,430 --> 00:12:27,638
a Four Seasons on it?
310
00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:29,262
The Diaoyu Islands
are important
311
00:12:29,263 --> 00:12:31,888
to the Chinese militarily,
but the United States
312
00:12:31,889 --> 00:12:34,512
still does not recognize them
as Chinese territory.
313
00:12:34,513 --> 00:12:37,721
Surely Liu recognizes
that I can't recognize
314
00:12:37,722 --> 00:12:40,429
diddly-squat, unless...
315
00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:41,554
You become President.
316
00:12:41,555 --> 00:12:43,471
So what? You think that Liu
317
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:44,970
is trying to help me become--
318
00:12:44,971 --> 00:12:46,763
Don't finish
that sentence, ma'am.
319
00:12:46,764 --> 00:12:50,054
We can't have this discussion.
We are still a nation of laws.
320
00:12:50,055 --> 00:12:51,387
- "Ish."
- "Esque."
321
00:12:51,388 --> 00:12:52,929
Of course, but let's be clear
322
00:12:52,930 --> 00:12:55,512
about what we're
not talking about.
323
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:59,346
Okay? We are not talking
about letting the Chinese
324
00:12:59,347 --> 00:13:01,846
influence our
presidential election,
325
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,804
and certainly not in exchange
326
00:13:03,805 --> 00:13:05,846
for me recognizing
those islands.
327
00:13:05,847 --> 00:13:07,679
And, since it is
not being discussed,
328
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,137
then I do not have to mention
329
00:13:09,138 --> 00:13:11,095
that you cannot
trust the Chinese.
330
00:13:11,096 --> 00:13:16,179
And they will not sell
you out in a Beijing minute.
331
00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:18,554
Wait, they will or they won't?
332
00:13:18,555 --> 00:13:19,846
I don't know.
333
00:13:19,847 --> 00:13:22,304
Well, I mean, can't we "not"
334
00:13:22,305 --> 00:13:26,179
not do the thing
that we're not talking about?
335
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,721
I'm totally lost.
336
00:13:27,722 --> 00:13:30,137
Do you think Captain Lady
Kangaroo heard any of that?
337
00:13:30,138 --> 00:13:32,054
- I don't think so.
- No? Okay, good.
338
00:13:32,055 --> 00:13:34,304
Fire her anyway just to be sure.
339
00:13:34,305 --> 00:13:36,721
Consider her green-jeaned,
ma'am.
340
00:13:36,722 --> 00:13:38,471
- Oh, ma'am, big news--
- Yeah?
341
00:13:38,472 --> 00:13:40,846
- Tom James called.
He wants a meeting.
- Is he dropping out?
342
00:13:40,847 --> 00:13:42,846
A James endorsement right now
would be a game changer.
343
00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:47,721
Selina: Set it up.
I wanna see Tommy beg.
344
00:13:47,722 --> 00:13:50,137
So, how's Little Richard
doing with solid foods?
345
00:13:50,138 --> 00:13:52,554
Don't ask me, ask her.
Apparently, she's in charge
of him now.
346
00:13:52,555 --> 00:13:53,888
Catherine,
please don't this.
347
00:13:53,889 --> 00:13:56,888
You stole our baby
and you took him to church.
348
00:13:56,889 --> 00:13:58,554
He saw a male Jesus.
349
00:13:58,555 --> 00:13:59,846
When my uncle stole me,
350
00:13:59,847 --> 00:14:01,220
I don't remember
where he took me,
351
00:14:01,221 --> 00:14:02,804
but I do have
this recurring dream
352
00:14:02,805 --> 00:14:04,554
where I almost find out.
353
00:14:04,555 --> 00:14:06,054
Richard, what's that noise?
354
00:14:06,055 --> 00:14:09,262
Oh, it's a crop duster.
They usually fly pretty low.
355
00:14:09,263 --> 00:14:11,054
- Can you say "airplane?"
- Richard: Not that low.
356
00:14:11,055 --> 00:14:12,721
- Oh, sweet male Jesus!
- Passerby:
357
00:14:12,722 --> 00:14:14,471
Marjorie and Catherine:
Richard?
358
00:14:14,472 --> 00:14:16,263
Marjorie: Are you okay?
359
00:14:18,889 --> 00:14:21,554
Gary. You're growing your hair.
360
00:14:21,555 --> 00:14:23,596
That's an amusing joke,
Senator James.
361
00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:25,262
Senator, hello.
362
00:14:25,263 --> 00:14:26,554
Tom James:
Madam President.
363
00:14:26,555 --> 00:14:28,429
Marjorie, thanks very much.
You can leave.
364
00:14:28,430 --> 00:14:31,846
Or I could stay.
Uh, for safety's sake.
I'm a model of discretion.
365
00:14:31,847 --> 00:14:33,555
Oh, you can be discreet
out in the hallway.
366
00:14:36,513 --> 00:14:38,846
You just left her
in there? With him?
367
00:14:38,847 --> 00:14:40,220
I was following orders.
368
00:14:40,221 --> 00:14:41,763
So was Hitler.
369
00:14:41,764 --> 00:14:43,763
Marjorie, there's something
that you need to see.
370
00:14:43,764 --> 00:14:45,804
Catherine,
Little Richard is not sick.
371
00:14:45,805 --> 00:14:47,346
Please stop taking
his temperature.
372
00:14:47,347 --> 00:14:49,220
No, it's big Richard.
373
00:14:52,847 --> 00:14:55,262
Reporter: I'm here reporting
from Lurlene, Iowa,
374
00:14:55,263 --> 00:14:57,054
where earlier today an airplane
375
00:14:57,055 --> 00:14:59,179
crashed
into the local 7-Eleven.
376
00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,804
Miraculously,
there were no fatalities,
377
00:15:01,805 --> 00:15:03,970
due in no small part
to the heroics
378
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:06,970
of Lurlene's own mayor,
Richard Splett.
379
00:15:06,971 --> 00:15:09,054
Mayor Splett, what happened?
380
00:15:09,055 --> 00:15:11,554
Uh, well, a crop duster
clipped a power line
381
00:15:11,555 --> 00:15:13,471
and bumped
into a local 7-Eleven.
382
00:15:13,472 --> 00:15:16,054
We're working with FEMA to
bring in emergency supplies
and cigarettes.
383
00:15:16,055 --> 00:15:17,304
I've never been more proud
I taught that man
384
00:15:17,305 --> 00:15:18,970
to ejaculate into a cup.
385
00:15:18,971 --> 00:15:21,721
Selina:
All right, Senator James,
what's it gonna be?
386
00:15:21,722 --> 00:15:24,220
I've heard you had
a yen for Treasury.
387
00:15:24,221 --> 00:15:26,763
I think a lot of my supporters
would actually think
388
00:15:26,764 --> 00:15:28,888
that State was more appropriate.
389
00:15:28,889 --> 00:15:31,054
Ouch. Things are
that bad at home, huh?
390
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:35,554
Let's just say a few
international tours would
ease domestic tensions.
391
00:15:35,555 --> 00:15:40,888
Well,
it's pretty early days, though.
392
00:15:40,889 --> 00:15:43,679
You know, and still
moving pieces around--
393
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:49,179
Foggy Bottom is a pretty big
plum to be giving away so soon.
394
00:15:49,180 --> 00:15:51,888
Although Secretary of State
is only really powerful
395
00:15:51,889 --> 00:15:57,220
if he or she has a close
personal relationship
with the president.
396
00:15:57,221 --> 00:16:00,638
I don't know. Tom,
I have to tell you,
I'm really not convinced.
397
00:16:00,639 --> 00:16:04,512
Well, if you like,
I could walk you through
my foreign policy ideas.
398
00:16:04,513 --> 00:16:07,095
You familiar with
"peace through strength"?
399
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:10,847
Oh. Keep talkin' like Reagan,
I'll work it like Nancy.
400
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:18,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
401
00:16:19,388 --> 00:16:24,054
- Buddy: Congressman.
- Governor. Were you followed?
402
00:16:24,055 --> 00:16:26,262
I don't know.
403
00:16:26,263 --> 00:16:28,387
So, what would you offer me
404
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:32,387
as far as a cabinet position
in exchange for my endorsement?
405
00:16:32,388 --> 00:16:35,304
Whoops. I guess we
got ourselves
406
00:16:35,305 --> 00:16:37,304
a "Gift of the Magi"
situation here.
407
00:16:37,305 --> 00:16:39,721
I was gonna ask you
for the same thing.
408
00:16:39,722 --> 00:16:40,804
Wait, you're dropping out?
409
00:16:40,805 --> 00:16:42,970
Maybe. Maybe not.
410
00:16:42,971 --> 00:16:45,387
But I was gonna ask you
for Secretary of Interior.
411
00:16:45,388 --> 00:16:47,679
Were you gonna ask for Interior
and then settle for HUD?
412
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,179
Dang it. So busted.
413
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:53,970
Hey, is that Amy?
414
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,679
Oh, she said to say no.
415
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:58,679
- Oh.
- Amy: Get in the car.
416
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,262
No, yeah,
that's definitely Amy.
417
00:17:00,263 --> 00:17:01,554
Oh, all right.
418
00:17:01,555 --> 00:17:03,262
- See you later, man. Yeah.
- Good luck, bro.
419
00:17:03,263 --> 00:17:04,804
Selina:
Oh, morning, boys.
420
00:17:04,805 --> 00:17:06,304
All: Morning, ma'am.
421
00:17:06,305 --> 00:17:08,304
Our good friend Tom James
just called a press conference.
422
00:17:08,305 --> 00:17:10,471
- Oh, has he now? Wow.
- Dan: Yes.
423
00:17:10,472 --> 00:17:11,596
I need fruit.
424
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:12,929
- On it.
- On it. I'm on it.
425
00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:14,304
- Ma'am?
- Selina: Yeah?
426
00:17:14,305 --> 00:17:16,095
Please tell me you didn't
promise him State?
427
00:17:16,096 --> 00:17:18,929
There is no way
I would appoint anyone
competent to anything
428
00:17:18,930 --> 00:17:20,304
in my cabinet.
429
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:23,304
Morning. Thank you
for coming. Hope I can...
430
00:17:23,305 --> 00:17:24,888
Cloud berries
are organic and Icelandic.
431
00:17:24,889 --> 00:17:26,137
How lovely.
432
00:17:26,138 --> 00:17:28,679
I have decided
to suspend my campaign
433
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,220
for President
of the United States.
434
00:17:30,221 --> 00:17:34,012
Aww, no. Tom, say it ain't so.
435
00:17:34,013 --> 00:17:36,596
Reporter: Will you be
making an endorsement?
436
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,763
I'd like to give my strongest
and most full-throated support
437
00:17:40,764 --> 00:17:44,471
to the person who has proven
time and time again
438
00:17:44,472 --> 00:17:45,638
to be a born leader.
439
00:17:45,639 --> 00:17:47,970
I wonder who that could be.
440
00:17:47,971 --> 00:17:49,429
I don't know who that is.
441
00:17:50,971 --> 00:17:53,721
...but unfortunately that
candidate has not yet emerged
442
00:17:53,722 --> 00:17:56,137
and shows no sign of doing so.
443
00:17:56,138 --> 00:17:58,721
- Huh?
- Tom: These are early days.
444
00:17:58,722 --> 00:18:00,970
There's a lot of moving pieces,
445
00:18:00,971 --> 00:18:02,387
- but I will not be
endorsing just yet.
- No, no, no, no. What?!
446
00:18:02,388 --> 00:18:03,721
Thank you,
and God bless America.
447
00:18:03,722 --> 00:18:05,888
He just fucked me
right in the ass!
448
00:18:05,889 --> 00:18:07,804
Son of a bitch
wouldn't endorse you.
449
00:18:07,805 --> 00:18:11,054
- That, too!
- Ma'am, it's time to just
give up on South Carolina.
450
00:18:11,055 --> 00:18:13,471
No, no! Move, move!
451
00:18:13,472 --> 00:18:18,262
Are you kidding me?
We can't let Kemi get
a foothold in South Carolina.
452
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:22,179
Think! Oh, I'll--
453
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:25,179
You call Dr. Thomas
and you tell him, yeah,
454
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:27,012
I'll speak before his
congregation tomorrow.
455
00:18:27,013 --> 00:18:28,846
Ma'am, we need white voters.
456
00:18:28,847 --> 00:18:30,471
- I mean that's,
that's not gonna work.
- Selina: Yeah.
457
00:18:30,472 --> 00:18:32,846
It will if I give a speech
in support
458
00:18:32,847 --> 00:18:35,888
of local law enforcement
and that cop who killed
459
00:18:35,889 --> 00:18:38,054
that kid who threatened him
with the candy bar!
460
00:18:38,055 --> 00:18:41,804
Wh-- okay, so you wanna blow
a dog whistle in a black church?
461
00:18:41,805 --> 00:18:44,970
I mean, that's like blowing
a rape whistle while you're
raping somebody.
462
00:18:44,971 --> 00:18:47,262
- Exactly.
- Speak truth to powerless.
463
00:18:47,263 --> 00:18:49,137
I like that very much.
Write that down, Leon.
464
00:18:49,138 --> 00:18:50,679
- I will do that.
- Here's the fruit.
465
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:53,763
Honeydew? If I wanna pretend
to be in the CNN green room,
466
00:18:53,764 --> 00:18:57,679
I'll draw a face
on Ben's ass and call that
Christiane Amanpour.
467
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,346
Tanz:
Jonah-lah!
468
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:02,012
What's this meshugas about
you dropping out of the race?
469
00:19:02,013 --> 00:19:03,763
That can't happen. Chicken?
470
00:19:03,764 --> 00:19:05,471
Mr. Tanz, they say that
I have no chance of winning.
471
00:19:05,472 --> 00:19:07,137
Who said anything about winning?
472
00:19:07,138 --> 00:19:09,054
You. I thought you said
I was gonna be president.
473
00:19:09,055 --> 00:19:10,596
No, you did.
474
00:19:10,597 --> 00:19:13,262
Made me chuckle every time.
I never thought you could win.
475
00:19:13,263 --> 00:19:15,012
Well, then why the fuck
am I running, sir?
476
00:19:15,013 --> 00:19:16,387
As terribly as you're doing,
477
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:18,095
you're still winning delegates.
478
00:19:18,096 --> 00:19:20,054
Mostly crazy cuckoos,
479
00:19:20,055 --> 00:19:22,346
but you multiply that
by fifty states,
480
00:19:22,347 --> 00:19:24,888
I can force the party
to make some tweaks
481
00:19:24,889 --> 00:19:26,679
to the platform
at the convention.
482
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:29,554
Stricter marijuana laws!
Ta-da!
483
00:19:29,555 --> 00:19:31,346
I need potheads
in my prisons.
484
00:19:31,347 --> 00:19:33,554
Otherwise it's just
murderers and rapists.
485
00:19:33,555 --> 00:19:35,888
It makes for a very
unpleasant atmosphere.
486
00:19:35,889 --> 00:19:37,679
I wish I'd aborted myself.
487
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,638
Wait, so no one's really
trying to make me president?
488
00:19:39,639 --> 00:19:42,721
- No.
- Wait, so this is all just
to keep The Chronic illegal?
489
00:19:42,722 --> 00:19:44,220
Now he gets it! Plus,
490
00:19:44,221 --> 00:19:46,804
I need more casino
licenses for Macau.
491
00:19:46,805 --> 00:19:48,304
I know it sounds
a little specific,
492
00:19:48,305 --> 00:19:50,721
but in the end it'll
benefit all Americans.
493
00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:52,346
Toodle-oo!
494
00:19:52,347 --> 00:19:54,679
Dr. Jordan Thomas Jr.:
President Selina Meyer.
495
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:56,429
- Hello, Reverend.
- Good for you, girl.
496
00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:57,763
I can't believe you did this.
497
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,095
- Yeah.
- You don't quit.
498
00:19:59,096 --> 00:20:01,095
- No, I don't.
- Oh, I like that.
499
00:20:01,096 --> 00:20:02,471
- Do you? Okay. Good.
- I do.
500
00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:04,596
- And I love that little hat.
- Thank you.
501
00:20:04,597 --> 00:20:06,679
Yeah, this whole
congregation's gonna love
that little hat.
502
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:11,304
Oh, God,
I think he has a crush on me.
503
00:20:11,305 --> 00:20:12,846
- Yeah.
- He does not, ma'am.
504
00:20:12,847 --> 00:20:13,970
Oh, come on.
505
00:20:13,971 --> 00:20:16,012
I appreciate
your honesty, Marjorie.
506
00:20:16,013 --> 00:20:18,304
- Okay.
- I mean, not that it matters.
507
00:20:18,305 --> 00:20:22,095
He certainly isn't gonna
after I read this manifesto.
508
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,638
Permission to roll
your breasts, ma'am?
509
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,013
Oh, granted.
510
00:20:27,347 --> 00:20:28,471
Dr. Jordan Thomas, Jr.:
Good morning, everybody.
511
00:20:28,472 --> 00:20:29,804
Congregation:
Good morning.
512
00:20:29,805 --> 00:20:31,970
Uh, we have
a special guest today.
513
00:20:31,971 --> 00:20:34,846
I'm pretty sure
that you can imagine
514
00:20:34,847 --> 00:20:38,304
that I'm a firm supporter
of the separation
of church and state.
515
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,888
- Because this is
the Lord's house.
516
00:20:42,889 --> 00:20:44,220
Not the White House.
517
00:20:44,221 --> 00:20:46,638
But soon to be
the "Black House."
518
00:20:49,513 --> 00:20:52,554
Brothers and sisters, please
welcome President Selina Meyer.
519
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:54,929
Thank you. Thank you, Reverend.
520
00:20:54,930 --> 00:20:56,262
Mm-hmm.
521
00:20:56,263 --> 00:20:58,512
- Good morning.
- Congregation: Good morning.
522
00:20:58,513 --> 00:21:04,387
I don't need to tell you that
church is a special place.
523
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,888
Dr. Jordan Thomas, Jr.:
That's right.
524
00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:08,888
But it's also a place
for truth, isn't it?
525
00:21:08,889 --> 00:21:10,846
That's right. That's right.
526
00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:14,846
And what happened recently
in your community
527
00:21:14,847 --> 00:21:18,220
to that young boy is very sad.
528
00:21:18,221 --> 00:21:19,721
Congregation: Mm-hmm.
529
00:21:19,722 --> 00:21:23,596
But here's the hard truth.
530
00:21:23,597 --> 00:21:27,387
There are many victims here.
531
00:21:27,388 --> 00:21:30,722
Seina: And you might not
wanna hear this.
532
00:21:33,597 --> 00:21:38,346
But the real victims
are the police...
533
00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:43,346
... "ing."
534
00:21:43,347 --> 00:21:49,346
Policing... that America
does in the South China Sea.
535
00:21:49,347 --> 00:21:51,012
That's right. I went there.
536
00:21:51,013 --> 00:21:54,596
It is time for America
to recognize
537
00:21:54,597 --> 00:21:58,304
Chinese sovereignty
over the Diaoyu Islands
538
00:21:58,305 --> 00:22:00,387
and the disputed mineral rights
539
00:22:00,388 --> 00:22:02,137
of the surrounding seabed.
540
00:22:02,138 --> 00:22:03,679
Can I get an amen?
541
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,054
- Woman: What?
- Amen.
542
00:22:06,055 --> 00:22:08,054
Hello, everyone.
I'm Mike McLintock,
543
00:22:08,055 --> 00:22:12,095
and Mc-welcome to the first
episode of "McLintock--"
I mean "talk."
544
00:22:12,096 --> 00:22:14,054
Today I have a BuzzFeed
exclusive.
545
00:22:14,055 --> 00:22:15,970
We are getting
the first national interview
546
00:22:15,971 --> 00:22:18,054
with Lurlene, Iowa's
dog mayor,
547
00:22:18,055 --> 00:22:20,929
who it turns out
is not a dog, but a human.
548
00:22:20,930 --> 00:22:22,846
Mayor Richard Splett,
are you there?
549
00:22:22,847 --> 00:22:25,220
Hi, Mike.
Big fan of the show.
550
00:22:25,221 --> 00:22:28,137
Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?
551
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,262
Oh, I'm no hero.
552
00:22:29,263 --> 00:22:30,763
I'm just a mayor who now,
553
00:22:30,764 --> 00:22:32,846
temporarily, has a Slurpee
machine in his office.
554
00:22:32,847 --> 00:22:34,220
- Well--
- I need my iPad.
555
00:22:34,221 --> 00:22:36,095
Mayor Splett,
did you realize
556
00:22:36,096 --> 00:22:37,929
what you were doing
was so courageous?
557
00:22:37,930 --> 00:22:40,346
- Oh, good question.
- Thank you.
It's actually Wendy's.
558
00:22:40,347 --> 00:22:43,012
I guess I just did what anybody
would do if they were there.
559
00:22:43,013 --> 00:22:45,012
Except the people who were there
and didn't do anything.
560
00:22:45,013 --> 00:22:46,095
You heard it here first.
561
00:22:46,096 --> 00:22:48,012
Stick around
for more McLintock
562
00:22:48,013 --> 00:22:50,512
with Mike McLin-talk.
563
00:22:50,513 --> 00:22:53,262
Keith: Spare a nanosecond
for First Mate Quinn?
564
00:22:53,263 --> 00:22:54,430
What do you want, Keith?
565
00:22:56,889 --> 00:22:59,262
Wow. Okay.
566
00:22:59,263 --> 00:23:02,888
Wo zai zehli bangmang.
567
00:23:02,889 --> 00:23:04,638
Uh, is that Mandarin?
568
00:23:04,639 --> 00:23:06,596
Yes, it was.
I happen to consult
569
00:23:06,597 --> 00:23:09,346
for a number of very large
clients in Asia who have
570
00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:11,804
a strong interest in
Sino-American relations,
571
00:23:11,805 --> 00:23:15,721
and they were very, very
impressed and delighted
by your sermon.
572
00:23:15,722 --> 00:23:17,804
I don't know
what you're talking about--
573
00:23:17,805 --> 00:23:19,763
I would say that we're
well past the point
574
00:23:19,764 --> 00:23:21,387
of plausible deniability
at this point.
575
00:23:21,388 --> 00:23:24,888
I-- you know,
I haven't committed to,
um, anything--
576
00:23:24,889 --> 00:23:26,763
- Well, actually--
- Hi, ma'am.
577
00:23:26,764 --> 00:23:28,137
- Yeah?
- Can I share the news with you?
578
00:23:28,138 --> 00:23:29,304
- What?
- You need to hear this.
579
00:23:29,305 --> 00:23:31,220
Look. Faith-based
initiative just raised
580
00:23:31,221 --> 00:23:33,304
twenty-five million dollars.
581
00:23:33,305 --> 00:23:34,888
Wow. Way to go, buddy!
582
00:23:34,889 --> 00:23:38,429
- All of a sudden,
out of nowhere! Anonymously.
- What? Um--
583
00:23:38,430 --> 00:23:40,721
Okay, I'll get out
of you hair, ma'am.
584
00:23:40,722 --> 00:23:41,970
Okay.
585
00:23:41,971 --> 00:23:43,638
It must've been
the video I made, right?
586
00:23:43,639 --> 00:23:45,471
Well, I can't think
of any other reason.
587
00:23:45,472 --> 00:23:47,220
Well, let's be honest.
God had a lot to do
with it, too.
588
00:23:47,221 --> 00:23:49,054
Oh, sure! Yeah.
589
00:23:49,055 --> 00:23:51,387
- It's a miracle.
- Let's go spend twenty-five
million dollars
590
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:52,512
on some racist robo callers.
591
00:23:52,513 --> 00:23:53,596
- Praise the Lord.
- Right?
592
00:23:53,597 --> 00:23:57,346
Jonah: Thank you.
593
00:23:57,347 --> 00:24:00,095
You know who else
thinks that I don't
have the intelligence
594
00:24:00,096 --> 00:24:02,512
or the "tentrament"
to be president?
595
00:24:02,513 --> 00:24:06,012
My very own campaign staff.
596
00:24:06,013 --> 00:24:07,012
Jonah: That's right.
597
00:24:07,013 --> 00:24:08,679
They have been trying to stop me
598
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,054
from becoming president.
599
00:24:10,055 --> 00:24:11,346
Jonah: Yeah, no-- yeah, boo!
600
00:24:11,347 --> 00:24:12,304
Let 'em have it.
601
00:24:12,305 --> 00:24:14,471
That is my campaign chair,
602
00:24:14,472 --> 00:24:15,512
Amy Brookheimer.
603
00:24:15,513 --> 00:24:18,054
She recently had an abortion.
604
00:24:18,055 --> 00:24:20,721
And that is my chief strategist,
Teddy Sykes,
605
00:24:20,722 --> 00:24:22,179
and he is an overgrown midget
606
00:24:22,180 --> 00:24:23,763
who had to be
chemically castrated.
607
00:24:23,764 --> 00:24:26,763
And that guy right there,
608
00:24:26,764 --> 00:24:28,346
that's Eric something.
609
00:24:28,347 --> 00:24:30,471
- Bill Ericsson.
- That's Eric Bill Ericsson,
610
00:24:30,472 --> 00:24:33,179
and he thinks he's
better than everybody else
in this room.
611
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:35,763
I've never seen
anything like this.
612
00:24:35,764 --> 00:24:39,888
He's actually running
against his own campaign.
Macau, here we come.
613
00:24:39,889 --> 00:24:43,554
And one more thing.
I just found out from
my stupid stepfather that--
614
00:24:43,555 --> 00:24:44,804
Teddy: Father-in-law!
615
00:24:44,805 --> 00:24:46,679
...from my stupid
stepfather-in-law
616
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:50,054
that math was created
by Muslims.
617
00:24:51,555 --> 00:24:55,970
Yeah. And we teach
this Islamic math
to children.
618
00:24:55,971 --> 00:24:59,429
Math teachers are terrorists.
619
00:25:00,639 --> 00:25:02,554
- I love this.
- Okay. That, that's it.
620
00:25:02,555 --> 00:25:04,346
I may be a registered
sex offender,
621
00:25:04,347 --> 00:25:06,429
but I cannot be
a part of this.
I'm, I'm gone.
622
00:25:06,430 --> 00:25:09,346
Algebra?
More like Al Jazeera.
623
00:25:09,347 --> 00:25:13,846
Under a Ryan presidency,
I will ban this Sharia math
624
00:25:13,847 --> 00:25:16,512
from being taught
to American children.
625
00:25:16,513 --> 00:25:18,262
- Amy, are you coming?
- Jonah: There will be
no more math.
626
00:25:18,263 --> 00:25:19,679
One sec.
627
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:25,095
Jonah and Crowd:
No more math!
628
00:25:25,096 --> 00:25:31,012
God fuck America.
No more math! No more math!
629
00:25:31,013 --> 00:25:32,888
Jonah and Crowd:
No more math!
630
00:25:35,805 --> 00:25:39,221
No-- are you--
she's fine. She's fine.
631
00:25:40,430 --> 00:25:41,763
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
632
00:25:41,764 --> 00:25:43,220
If we lose,
it certainly won't be
633
00:25:43,221 --> 00:25:45,804
for lack of touching
people in a Denny's.
634
00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:48,763
- All right.
So, how's the turnout?
- Ben: Uh, like my prostate.
635
00:25:48,764 --> 00:25:51,054
- Mostly black and much larger than we'd like.
- - Oh, shit.
636
00:25:51,055 --> 00:25:54,596
We're seeing unprecedented
levels of African-American
voter engagement.
637
00:25:54,597 --> 00:25:58,262
All right. Well,
that's terrible...
but also inspiring.
638
00:25:58,263 --> 00:25:59,970
Welcome to
"McLintock Embedded."
639
00:25:59,971 --> 00:26:01,679
- Oh! We're live.
- Madam President,
640
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,054
would you like to say
something to our viewers?
641
00:26:03,055 --> 00:26:05,679
Sure, um, if you
haven't voted, please--
642
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,804
Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call.
I apologize, it's Wendy.
643
00:26:08,805 --> 00:26:09,804
Oh.
644
00:26:09,805 --> 00:26:11,721
Hey. No, now is a good time.
645
00:26:11,722 --> 00:26:14,137
- Mike: What's up?
- Can't buy that kind of press.
646
00:26:14,138 --> 00:26:16,012
- I'm sorry.
- I need to talk to you.
647
00:26:16,013 --> 00:26:17,054
Sparkling water, ma'am?
648
00:26:17,055 --> 00:26:18,263
Yes, oh, perfect.
649
00:26:19,472 --> 00:26:23,888
Close the door. Okay.
Ben, I sold my soul
650
00:26:23,889 --> 00:26:27,220
to the Chinese for a lousy
twenty-five million dollars.
651
00:26:27,221 --> 00:26:28,638
Ma'am, I warned you.
652
00:26:28,639 --> 00:26:30,095
You cannot trust the Chinese.
653
00:26:30,096 --> 00:26:32,137
I married enough
of them to know that.
654
00:26:32,138 --> 00:26:33,471
Wait, isn't your wife Korean?
655
00:26:33,472 --> 00:26:35,638
Maybe. Fog of war.
656
00:26:36,764 --> 00:26:37,846
Ma'am. You wanna see this.
657
00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:39,346
Something's happening.
658
00:26:39,347 --> 00:26:41,471
Cora: ...poll watchers
are reporting that over
659
00:26:41,472 --> 00:26:44,429
forty-eight thousand
black voters were turned away
660
00:26:44,430 --> 00:26:46,929
because their middle initials
on the voter rolls
661
00:26:46,930 --> 00:26:49,137
did not match
their identification.
662
00:26:49,138 --> 00:26:51,012
- Wait, what?
- Dan: Yeah, listen to this.
663
00:26:51,013 --> 00:26:53,012
"Widespread power outages
across the state,
664
00:26:53,013 --> 00:26:54,763
and police are urging residents
665
00:26:54,764 --> 00:26:56,346
to stay at home
for their own safety."
666
00:26:56,347 --> 00:26:57,929
"The outages
seem to be occurring
667
00:26:57,930 --> 00:27:00,471
primarily in African
American neighborhoods."
668
00:27:00,472 --> 00:27:01,679
It's a total blackout.
669
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,512
- Okay, Ben!
- Oh, ma'am, big news.
670
00:27:03,513 --> 00:27:04,929
- Wendy just got a call.
- What?!
671
00:27:04,930 --> 00:27:06,679
We're gonna adopt
another baby from China!
672
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:08,679
You know, I think it's
that secret message that I--
673
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,304
No, no! Move!
674
00:27:12,847 --> 00:27:14,554
Man: We got three hours left.
We can turn this.
675
00:27:14,555 --> 00:27:15,679
Dan: ...call the Precinct
Captains right now.
676
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,554
Man: We can turn this!
677
00:27:17,555 --> 00:27:21,387
I think the Chinese
just delivered.
678
00:27:21,388 --> 00:27:22,597
And?
679
00:27:26,263 --> 00:27:29,846
Thank you, South Carolina!
680
00:27:29,847 --> 00:27:34,262
We had an amazing
turnout on our side.
681
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,262
Yeah!
682
00:27:38,263 --> 00:27:41,679
And you know how I like
to celebrate when I win?
683
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:42,679
All: How?!
684
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,054
By winning some more!
685
00:27:45,055 --> 00:27:46,387
Balloons.-
686
00:28:01,472 --> 00:28:04,262
From now on, I do what I want,
687
00:28:04,263 --> 00:28:08,888
I take what I want,
whenever I want it.
688
00:28:08,889 --> 00:28:10,429
"New Selina Now."
689
00:28:10,430 --> 00:28:12,095
Let's watch
my victory speech again.
690
00:28:12,096 --> 00:28:13,346
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
691
00:28:13,347 --> 00:28:17,054
Uh, I don't--
I don't have the remote.
692
00:28:17,055 --> 00:28:20,096
Oh, it's on the table
by the chair.
693
00:28:21,513 --> 00:28:22,930
So go get it.
694
00:28:29,263 --> 00:28:30,888
Good morning, ma'am.
695
00:28:30,889 --> 00:28:33,304
Morning. Hey, Marjorie,
look at my eyes.
696
00:28:33,305 --> 00:28:35,346
Tell me straight.
Do they look okay to you?
697
00:28:35,347 --> 00:28:36,804
They look very puffy, ma'am.
698
00:28:36,805 --> 00:28:38,387
- Ugh.
- Gary: Hey.
699
00:28:38,388 --> 00:28:40,137
Hey, good morning.
Morning, ma'am. Marjorie.
700
00:28:40,138 --> 00:28:41,512
- Morning.
- Gary.
701
00:28:41,513 --> 00:28:42,596
- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah.
702
00:28:42,597 --> 00:28:44,763
Do my eyes look puffy to you?
703
00:28:44,764 --> 00:28:46,846
I'm surprised they
let you run for president,
704
00:28:46,847 --> 00:28:49,346
because you look
thirty-four, tops.
705
00:28:49,347 --> 00:28:52,970
Yeah.
Marjorie, you're out.
706
00:28:52,971 --> 00:28:55,012
And you're... back in.
707
00:28:55,013 --> 00:28:57,179
Okay? You just
go back to whatever
you were doing before.
708
00:28:57,180 --> 00:28:58,888
- Finance Chair.
- All right, well, whatever.
709
00:28:58,889 --> 00:29:00,888
So who's in charge of
the faith-based outreach now?
710
00:29:00,889 --> 00:29:02,220
- Not it.
- You are.
711
00:29:02,221 --> 00:29:03,638
- Oh, I am?
- Yeah, yeah. You still are.
712
00:29:03,639 --> 00:29:05,554
And Keith Quinn'll
help you out too, I think.
713
00:29:05,555 --> 00:29:08,512
Yes, there you go. So,
your name will be all over it.
714
00:29:08,513 --> 00:29:10,638
Like Jodie Foster
in John Hinckley's diary.
715
00:29:10,639 --> 00:29:12,012
Oh, my God.
I'm obsessed with her.
716
00:29:12,013 --> 00:29:14,638
Let's go.
717
00:29:14,639 --> 00:29:17,596
Congratulations, Gary.
The better woman won.
718
00:29:17,597 --> 00:29:21,929
I'll take that. Thank you.
719
00:29:21,930 --> 00:29:23,262
I moved some things around.
720
00:29:23,263 --> 00:29:26,846
Oh, did you?
Wow. It looks better.
721
00:29:26,847 --> 00:29:29,679
- Mm-hmm.
- The tampons are vertical,
that's brilliant--
722
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,471
- Selina: Gary?
- Yep?
723
00:29:31,472 --> 00:29:32,596
Shouldn't you be pre-chewing
724
00:29:32,597 --> 00:29:33,846
my mother's food for her?
725
00:29:33,847 --> 00:29:35,679
I told her her eyes
looked puffy.
726
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,179
Thank you, chipmunk.
727
00:29:38,180 --> 00:29:41,512
You're welcome, Catherine.
728
00:29:41,513 --> 00:29:43,179
Hey-O, Dan-O!
You bustin' outta here?
729
00:29:43,180 --> 00:29:45,012
Yeah, yeah. Oh,
I need an itinerary.
730
00:29:45,013 --> 00:29:48,679
Itineraries are only
for people who work
on the campaign.
731
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,055
And?
732
00:29:52,388 --> 00:29:56,512
Wait, I'm fired?
Per fucking who?!
733
00:29:56,513 --> 00:29:58,512
Per Selina.
I believe her words were,
734
00:29:58,513 --> 00:30:00,554
"If I need another
Washington douche,
735
00:30:00,555 --> 00:30:02,346
I'll go to
the M Street Rite Aid."
736
00:30:02,347 --> 00:30:04,679
You should flip
through your NDA.
737
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,929
If you breathe a word
of anything, to anyone,
738
00:30:07,930 --> 00:30:10,554
we'll slit your throat.
739
00:30:10,555 --> 00:30:11,889
Later, gator!
740
00:30:16,388 --> 00:30:18,888
Greg Hart:
Congressman Ryan placed
a distant third last night.
741
00:30:18,889 --> 00:30:20,220
Where does the campaign
go from here?
742
00:30:20,221 --> 00:30:23,387
Third place was
a massive win for us.
743
00:30:23,388 --> 00:30:26,220
Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot
can feel Jonah Ryan
744
00:30:26,221 --> 00:30:27,429
breathing down their necks.
745
00:30:27,430 --> 00:30:29,054
Jonah Ryan
said he's been lying
746
00:30:29,055 --> 00:30:30,387
to everyone the whole time.
747
00:30:30,388 --> 00:30:31,763
Why should anyone
trust him now?
748
00:30:31,764 --> 00:30:34,346
Frankly, Jonah Ryan
is the only candidate
749
00:30:34,347 --> 00:30:36,721
who's honest
about his dishonesty.
750
00:30:36,722 --> 00:30:41,054
And that is why Jonah Ryan
is the next President
of the United States.
751
00:30:41,055 --> 00:30:43,679
Speaking as someone
who's covered politics
for twenty years,
752
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:45,846
- Jonah Ryan terrifies me.
- That's your opinion.
753
00:30:45,847 --> 00:30:47,929
I find his mindless,
toxic fear-mongering
754
00:30:47,930 --> 00:30:51,012
a dangerous addition
to our already divisive
political climate.
755
00:30:51,013 --> 00:30:52,262
Again, your opinion.
756
00:30:52,263 --> 00:30:53,970
Tomorrow morning,
we will be live
757
00:30:53,971 --> 00:30:56,471
with exclusive coverage
of Congressman Ryan's rally
758
00:30:56,472 --> 00:30:59,305
in Youngstown, Ohio,
only on CNN.
759
00:31:03,930 --> 00:31:06,262
Tell my attorney to meet me in
the next filler state we're in
760
00:31:06,263 --> 00:31:07,304
'cause last I heard,
761
00:31:07,305 --> 00:31:08,596
you can't run for office
and be in prison.
762
00:31:08,597 --> 00:31:09,929
Well, maybe
in the House you can't.
763
00:31:09,930 --> 00:31:11,679
Our government has assigned you
764
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:13,929
your very own
Secret Service detail.
765
00:31:13,930 --> 00:31:15,512
Congressman Ryan,
it's an honor.
766
00:31:15,513 --> 00:31:17,888
Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror!
767
00:31:17,889 --> 00:31:19,095
Yeah, a hot mirror.
768
00:31:19,096 --> 00:31:22,304
I have always been transparent
about how old I am.
769
00:31:22,305 --> 00:31:24,429
- Yeah, 55.
- I believe it's 53.
770
00:31:24,430 --> 00:31:26,262
- Late 40s.
- You're all correct.
771
00:31:26,263 --> 00:31:27,429
Last night...
772
00:31:27,430 --> 00:31:29,262
I don't like when people
get closer to talk to me.
773
00:31:29,263 --> 00:31:30,763
It usually means
they're gonna be facing
774
00:31:30,764 --> 00:31:32,012
a longer prison sentence.
775
00:31:32,013 --> 00:31:34,305
- ...I saw Andrew.
- The prosecution rests.
775
00:31:35,305 --> 00:31:41,930
Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
60090
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.