Original subtitles

Well, Miss Kitty, thank you so much for having lunch with me.

Well, I am always up for a salad

and a martini in the middle of the day.

You didn't have a salad.

Well, olives and onions are almost a salad.

Well, I'm just glad I can come to you with all my problems.

Well, sure you can, Fez. You can talk to me about anything.

Just to double-check, are you sure it's normal

for one of them to hang lower than the other?

Well, of course, Fez!

Nobody's ears are perfectly symmetrical.

Kitty Forman?

Marsha Sullivan!

How are you? And how is that husband of yours?

Great. He lost 3,000 pounds,

when I took his Mercedes in the divorce.

Oh, newly divorced, what a shame.

And they say fourth time's a charm.

Well, you know what, you should come over.

It sounds like we have a lot of catching up to do.

I'd love that! I'll bring a bottle of wine.

Oh, well, that is terrific!

I can't wait to see you!

Slut. Tight-ass.

Ah, Mrs. Sullivan, hello!

What can these magic hands do for you today?

Actually, I was thinking of trying something new.

Well, perhaps we should rinse and repeat.

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Donna, this is gonna be your first birthday since breaking up with Eric.

You know what that means, no crappy gifts

to return to the science-fiction store.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it'll be kind of a relief

not to have to give him his birthday spanking.

He made you spank him on your birthday?

Yeah, and then he danced around in his underwear going,

"Happy birthday to me!"

Sorry to keep you from work.

Oh, don't worry, I already called in and said I was having sex.

Oh. Hello.

Oh, my God. Fez just banged an old...

...smobile in the driveway with his bike.

Marsha, I would like you to meet my friends.

Friends, I would like you to meet

the most ferocious lover on two legs.

Which by the way, was new for me.

It's like watching somebody kiss their grandmother.

Ooh, my nana don't kiss like that!

Mrs. Sullivan, may I ask you something?

Was I good?

Good enough.

Yes!

Nice job, Fez. Combine two of your favorite pastimes.

Sex and antiquing.

You know, for years older men have dated younger women.

And now it's finally okay for a younger man to date an older woman.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, gross!

Say what you want, but Mrs. Sullivan is so

much more passionate than girls your age.

You kids just lie there.

Mrs. Sullivan, she moves, she shakes, she makes noises.

Are you sure she wasn't having a stroke?

Hey, so I was thinking we could all go in

together on a birthday present for Donna?

But I don't know what to get her.

Oh, cool, there's an echo inside my head!

Hello!

Balls!

Awesome!

You know, we could give Donna make-up, but that would be a waste.

Might as well just give a dog a snow blower.

Oh, Kelso did that once.

Oh, no, wait. He gave his snow blower a dog.

That was when he was in his "machines should have pets" phase.

Bongos!

Ecuador!

Is there anybody in there?

Oh, my God. The echo just said yes.

You know what? I think I've had enough.

You know, once I caught Donna using lip liner on her eyebrows.

Seriously, it's like being best friends with Phyllis Diller.

How about I get something and we can all give it to Donna together?

Together.

Man, I'm not getting the echo.

Hello?

There it is.

Oh, oh, oh! My friend Marsha Sullivan is here.

Your friend? I thought you hated her.

I do!

But she has the juiciest gossip because

she is a filthy, disgusting, piece of...

Marsha!

Hello, Kitty. Hello, Red.

Here, Kitty, I brought us some heavenly camomile tea.

Oh, yeah. Tea's nice.

You said you were gonna bring wine.

She also said, "Till death do us part." Look how that worked out.

Red, don't you have something to do in the garage?

I can go to the garage?

So, Marsha.

Tell me what is going on in that adventurous life of yours?

Well, actually, Kitty, I have a wonderful new boyfriend.

He's delicious, and quite young.

Young? How young?

Forty?

Younger.

Thirty-nine?

Younger.

Well, for heaven's sake, Marsha, what's younger then 39?

Kitty, I'm not gonna tell you. I don't want to shock you.

Nineteen.

Well, I just don't believe this. I have a son who is 19.

Oh, that's right. I forgot about Eric.

Where is that handsome son of yours these days?

Oh. Don't you even think about it.

He is in Africa, with the lions, where he's safe.

Well, he's gotta come back sometime.

Touch him and I'll kill you in your sleep.

Oh.

Well, another day, another romp with Mrs. Sullivan.

Actually, it was three romps, but who's counting?

It was four.

Hey, guys, I got Donna's birthday present.

It's a little wrinkled and musty,

but so is Fez's girlfriend and he seems to like her.

"My parents went to Lake Michigan

"and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

I can relate, too.

My mom once went to Lake Michigan. All I got was a half-brother.

T-shirt? What a lousy present.

It even says so, right on the present.

Hey, if you guys don't like the present,

you can steal her something better.

Okay, well, what kind of stuff is Donna into anyway?

I don't know. Beef?

No, seriously, Donna is a cool girl.

I think we should get her something cool.

Why, because you wanna have sex with her?

No, I'd do the same thing for you if it were your birthday.

Oh, so you want to have sex with me?

Yeah, Fez, I want to have sex with you.

I'd rather have a sweater.

And it's August fourth.

If you can't find any gift ideas for Donna

in here, just give her what I do,

coupons for 15 minutes of Bob-time.

You know, I always forget how big Donna's room is.

It looks much smaller from the tree across the street.

Hey, look at this! Donna uses the same hairspray as...

My sister.

Oh, look at this. Donna's diary.

Oh, I haven't looked in here in like a month.

Aw, damn, it's locked.

The key's in one of the desk drawers.

I'm not sure which. There's always a branch blocking my view.

Okay, I'm heading out, but I think I know

what Donna needs for her birthday.

Thicker curtains and a restraining order.

Oh, my God, Fez, listen to what Donna wrote.

It's from a few weeks ago.

"Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record store, and he's really cute."

Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?

Jackie, you shouldn't be reading that.

It's a complete invasion of privacy.

Oh, if I get just the right angle on this mirror,

I can see Donna when she sleeps.

Here, Donna, I made you a coupon for your birthday.

"Good for one knock-knock joke, no 'who's there' required."

Wow, dreams can come true.

See that, Red? Kids love those.

You should have made them for Eric.

Yeah, I suppose I could have given him a

"get my foot out of your ass free" card.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a sinfully sweet confection

and she is carrying a cake, too.

Oh, my goodness, stop it.

Wow, Randy, look at your shirt.

Uh, Donna, how would you describe Randy's shirt?

Um...

Well buttoned?

Cute. You would say it's cute.

I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for was "adorable."

Marsha!

Oh, there's my lady.

What in the world?

Oh, you didn't know?

Yeah, Fez is dating an older lady.

Apparently, you taking him to all those PTA meetings really paid off.

Fez is your younger man? My Fez?

Isn't he gorgeous?

I think I'll keep him for a couple of months.

Did you hear that? I'm booked till March.

Fez, you can't date her. Why not?

Well, in the first place, she's so old.

Isn't she kind of the same age as Mrs. Forman?

Yeah, say that louder, that'll really help.

How dare you dig your dirty claws into this innocent boy?

Wow, it's almost like she was right in the room with us.

Fez, this is an atrocity.

You two have to stop seeing each other right now.

You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother.

You know what? Fine!

Then you just... You do whatever the hell you want!

Marsha! It's me, Bob Pinciotti.

I asked you out last month. I thought you were moving to Costa Rica.

Kitty?

Oh, no!

What's wrong? Ice, margarita mix,

the top from a bottle of tequila.

Good lord, she took the blender!

She's in the dining room.

I'll be in the garage. Save yourselves!

I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut.

You girls throw it around like football players,

couldn't one of you have slept with him?

Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something.

Fez is a deviant weirdo.

We're just glad he is doing it with a person

and not a couch, a tree or my pillow.

After all I have done for that boy, he has

the nerve to say, "You're not my mother."

If that's even what he said. Because who can understand anything

that comes out of that ungrateful mush-mouth.

Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman.

You know, if I were a divorced older woman,

I would take everything from my ex-husband.

Suffer, you cheating bastard!

Can't wait to be divorced.

Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine, I'm done.

Next Christmas, his stocking will not

be hung by the chimney with care.

It will be tossed in the garbage with hair!

This place uses too much ice.

Here you go, Donna. Happy birthday.

I was gonna put a ribbon around it, but you know, I barely care.

Wow, Hyde, thanks!

I have the same shirt from the other lakes, but I needed this one.

Wait. You collect these shirts? Steven, how did you know that?

Oh, because one time I heard Donna say, "I collect these shirts."

I like when Donna wears shirts with writing on them.

The words just pop out at you.

Donna, for your birthday, I'm taking you on a journey.

"Where," you ask? To a Journey concert!

"Why," you ask? 'Cause I saw you had a poster of them in your room.

"What was I doing in your room," you ask?

Hey, stop asking questions, we're going to see Journey!

Wow, thanks!

Donna, I'm sorry I didn't get you a present.

I was gonna go shopping, but Mrs. Sullivan

is not gonna be around forever.

I got to make every moment count.

Yeah, Fez, about that.

We just talked to Mrs. Forman and we learnt a couple of things.

First of all, you get a few margaritas in her

and she's a fairly decent tap dancer.

And also, she is really upset about what you said.

Yeah, Fez, she thinks of you like a son.

I mean, you know, think about it.

You know, Miss Kitty has done a lot for me.

Maybe I should go talk to her.

And on the way I'll pick up a box of chocolates.

Good. Yeah, Fez, I think she'd really like that.

Oh, then I'll pick her up one, too.

Happy birthday! I got you a diary.

Well, I noticed you needed a new one

when I was reading your old one.

You read my diary?

I didn't say that. You just said that.

Oh, you don't know what I said.

But, I also noticed you think Randy is cute.

What? I do not, that was just something I wrote, I barely meant it.

Oh? Uh-huh? Really? Then why are you going to the concert with him?

You don't even like Journey!

I love Journey.

They're the Beatles of our generation.

Oh, come on! Who are you kidding?

The only reason you put up that poster

is to cover the hole Fez was using to spy on you in the shower.

Okay. Fine. I think Randy is cute.

But it's not a big deal. Because...

I have to go. Write it in your diary, I'll read it tomorrow.

Miss Kitty?

Oh, hi, Fez.

I'd get up, but my back's still sore

from that knife you stuck in it.

Listen, Tutankhamen,

you need to fix this.

My wife has been sitting there calm and quiet all day.

I disarmed landmines in Korea.

But I have never been this nervous

that something's about to explode.

Miss Kitty?

I would like to apologize for saying that you were not my mother.

Why? It's the truth. Why don't you just tell me I'm fat, too.

See, you treated me like a son, and I didn't mean to hurt you.

So, if it will fix things,

I would like to take your advice and stop seeing Mrs. Sullivan.

Okay, look, Fez. It's your life.

You can do whatever you want to do.

See, but the problem is, that on the one hand I want your approval

and on the other I want to be with women

in ways that frankly would turn your stomach.

Okay. Okay, Fez.

If you really see me as your mother,

then you need to do what any good son would do in this situation.

Lie to me.

What do you mean? Okay, well.

When Eric was still here, every Friday night he would tell me

he's going out with his friends to the movies.

But we weren't at the movies, we were drinking beer

and peeing from the top of the...

Oh...

So, you see?

Not telling each other what they don't want to hear

is what being a family is all about.

Thank you, Miss Kitty.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to not have sex with Mrs. Sullivan on her washing machine.

You have fun at the movies!

Hey, Dad. I was thinking of cashing in one of my birthday coupons.

I'll take you up on one free game of Bobopoly.

Listen, Donna, I know those are just for laughs

but I wanted to get you something serious, too. So here.

Peanut brittle, huh? Boy, I sure do love this stuff.

You didn't even see it coming!

Yep, just like last year!

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