Original subtitles

Hey, Fez, you know what was awesome? That time you rode that tree.

How did he ride a tree?

Oh, he climbed it, Kelso cut it down.

You guys have a million stories.

And you know each other so well. It's like you have your own language.

I don't even understand half the things you say.

If you understand anything that Fez says, you're the only one. Burn!

Oh, Kelso can't understand me?

Now I know how it feels to be a book. Oh, burn!

See? Man, I wanna burn somebody so I can be part of the gang.

This gang?

Angie, the only reason this gang formed

was because no one would let us into their gang.

We're like the chess club,

but better looking and dumber.

- Hey. - Hey.

Um, so was there something you wanted to say to me

the other day at the record store?

Oh, yeah. I wanted to talk to you about Abba.

Abba?

No, you said you wanted to talk about us.

Right. Our feelings about Abba.

You know what? Good. Great.

Believe me, I don't wanna talk about us, either.

Come on, Angie.

We were supposed to open the record store, ooh, about seven hours ago.

You told me you wanted to tell Hyde

that you still love him and you wanted him back.

Yeah, well, it's obvious he doesn't want me back.

So you better not tell him what I said or I'll be humiliated.

My lips are a seal's.

Wait, don't you mean that your lips are sealed?

I'm not hearing the difference.

Great. Anyways, you guys, I have huge news.

You know how Point Place cable has that public access channel?

Yeah. Donna, didn't your dad do, like, a belly dancing show there?

He guest-hosted. Shut up.

Anyways, I'm gonna have my own show, just like Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, except I won't stop for commercials

'cause no one really wants to take a break from me.

I don't know. That week you were in Florida,

that was a nice, quiet week.

Have you been in bed all day?

Yeah, I have.

I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road.

See, as I see it, why get out of bed

when you can read about people who got out of bed?

You have got to be the laziest non-communist I've ever met.

And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote.

It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Okay, now, Red, please let's hold off on the cursing until happy hour.

This year-off crap better come to an end

or I'm gonna put you in a box and mail you to the Marines.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

Your father's too cheap to mail something that heavy.

He just wants you to have some direction and so do I.

And you are in luck because I got the new issue of Cosmo.

Oh, well, I'm just not sure I need seven new ways to please my man.

No. No. Honey, it's a job aptitude test.

Okay, question number one.

"Do you consider yourself creative?"

- Well... - Yes.

You were a little wiz at macaroni art.

"Do you prefer to work alone or with others?"

- Alone. - Nope, you love people.

Okay, question three. "Do you..." Oh, that's easy.

Look, Mom, I'm happy just enjoying my world.

I'm like an explorer. I'm exactly like Christopher Columbus.

Except, you know, I've been incredibly distracted by television.

Okay. All done.

Now, according to your answers,

you should be a nurse!

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, Fez, since you're helping me with set dressing,

I want the set to reflect my sparkling personality.

I want it to say "Jackie."

Okay, let me see. Maybe some glitter, a disco ball...

Uh-huh. I want a big sign that says "Jackie."

I hate this room.

It reminds me of my dad dancing around half-naked

with finger cymbals.

Well, my show is gonna be a news show.

All-nude or just topless?

Not nude, news.

I'm not hearing the difference.

Jackie, how are you gonna tell people the news if you don't know any news?

Well, I know all the news that's really important,

like, who's got a new car, what store is having a sale on leggings,

and if there'll ever be peace in the Middle East.

Who am I kidding? No one cares about China.

- Hey, Eric, can I have some of your fries? - Sure.

Well, I don't want any. Burn!

I think you're confusing a burn with just talking.

- Eric, can I have some fries? - Yeah, help yourself.

Burn!

Yeah, I knew you were gonna do that, so I spit in them. Burn!

Totally.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You ate his spit. Burn!

That's a piggyback burn. We don't do that.

Come on, Angie. You've gotta do inventory in the storeroom,

and I gotta go sleep behind a box.

Man, you want to catch a movie or something?

Nah. I gotta go down to the police academy.

They're gonna teach me what prisoners feel like.

Guys are gonna handcuff me to a flagpole for a few hours.

It's not in the curriculum, but they say it's required.

Hey, uh, I'm sorry, are you reading the new Mighty Spectaculous?

Yeah. You a fan?

"When trouble arrives by car or bus...

"...we summon the Mighty Spectaculous!"

- They call me Eric Forman. - Stew Bailey.

No relation to Beetle.

Hey, Stew, I mean, if you're interested, they're having a Spectaculous Spectacular

down at the Atomic Comic Book Nook.

You're probably... You probably have to get back to work or something.

I don't have to be anywhere. I don't have a job.

How old are you?

Well, let's just say I'm two years older than Professor Revenge-O.

Thirty-six.

So then, Stew, what do you do all day?

You're looking at it.

We're gonna be good friends.

Fez, Jackie's show is about to start.

Aren't you supposed to be helping her?

She asked me to make a giant sign with her name on it.

So I said, "You got it, baby."

So then, I went to get some ice cream,

and then I went to play some Space Invaders,

and then I came here to watch the show.

I could never be on TV, unless it was Johnny Carson,

because I have a very funny story about a Cheeto that looked just like Jesus.

So, Fez,

you've been hanging out a lot lately with Jackie.

Any idea what she wanted to talk to me about at the record store the other day?

Um, I don't know. I was there. I mean, I wasn't there.

I, uh...

I was, uh... I was away.

On business.

Well, if she wanted to get back together,

that's something I wouldn't mind knowing.

So why don't you just go ahead and spill the beans?

Beans?

What beans?

The only beans are in your head, you, uh, little bean-head.

Anyway, I opened the bag and there he was.

The beard and everything.

Oh, oh, Jackie's about to start.

- Okay, Jackie, are you ready? - Yeah, of course.

I've got this thing down pat.

Okay, so after the weather report,

I'm gonna get into the problem with the spirit squad.

They're all fat. That's my commentary. I'm anti-fat.

Okay. Ten seconds until you're on the air, offending thousands of people.

Thousands of people?

In five, four, three...

You didn't say "two" or "one."

It's because you're on now.

Well, but I'm not...

Hi.

- I'm Backie Jurkhart. - Jackie Burkhart.

- What? - It's your name.

- I know what my name is. - You said Backie Jurkhart.

Okay, stop talking or you're fired.

Fine. You're on your own.

I'm what?

Oh, dear.

She's not so good.

She's sweating like Muhammad Ali.

Cut to her boobs.

Who's directing this thing?

I guess we can't just sit and talk about comic books all day.

Let's do some Star Wars trivia. Go.

I got a stumper.

- Who is Luke and Obi-Wan's nemesis at... - Doctor Evazan.

Man, you're good.

Look, let me ask you a question.

Some people think that if I keep living, you know, "without a purpose,"

that I'll be all, I don't know, unfulfilled and stuff.

Do you ever feel unfulfilled?

I've seen Star Wars in seven different states.

I even met the midget that they stuck inside R2-D2.

What could be more fulfilling than that?

I don't know.

Hey, dorks.

Listen, Angie had a really rough day at work

so I'm gonna rub her feet, and you might wanna clear out

before I start rubbing other stuff.

Eric, come over later. We'll game.

Who was that guy?

- That's this guy... - I don't care. Burn!

Angie, you're cute as a button, but you burn like a botard.

Look, if you wanna burn someone,

you gotta embarrass them to make other people laugh.

You want to combine the elements of humiliation and surprise.

Dude, what the hell?

Burn!

Oh, hey. Jackie, I saw your show.

It isn't as good as a lot of other shows.

No.

It was great for people who think regular TV is too entertaining.

I freaked out.

I mean, the cameras turned on, and I realized I'm completely alone.

I'm alone on TV, and I'm alone in real life.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Burn!

Oh, my God!

Uh, I forgot to tell you the part about

you don't burn someone who's already crying.

Okay, best sidekick. Robin or Aqualad?

Ooh, uh, toughie.

Is the villain they're fighting terrestrial or aquatic?

Stewie, you didn't tell me you were having a friend over.

Eric, this is my mom.

You still live with your mom?

Oh, she's more than just my mother. She's my best friend.

She's your best friend?

Well, you're giving her a run for her money.

- Okay, I gotta go. - Are you sure?

I was about to make sandwiches in the shape of X-wing fighters.

Uh, no, really. Well... No, I gotta go.

- What are you doing? - I'm throwing out all my comic books.

I saw my future today, and, well, it's living with its mother.

Yeah, well, I saw my future and it sweats.

Okay. Hold on. You sweat?

Uh, would you happen to have a picture, some tape of this that I could laugh at?

Eric, I tried to have my own TV show, and I failed.

My life is over. I'm not good enough to be on TV.

No, Jackie.

Okay, come on.

You're good-looking,

you're incredibly superficial and you lie constantly.

I think you're perfect for TV.

- Do you really think so? - Yeah.

I mean, jeez, look, at least you're doing something with your life.

I have wasted an entire year.

Eric, let me stop you right there.

Okay? Since you were kind enough to cheer me up when my spirits were low,

I'm gonna go. Thanks.

Hey, Forman, let me ask you a question.

What do you think about me and Jackie?

Well, man, you know what I think.

I think that Jackie is evil incarnate.

I think that if you were to cut off one of her hands,

it would probably grow back into another Jackie.

Look, before Jackie,

you were just some pissed-off guy in my basement.

But with her...

I mean, you seemed happy, man.

Hey, I was never happy.

I was just less pissed off.

Hyde,

I lied to you when I told you that I was away on business.

No.

Yes.

And I know what Jackie wanted to tell you.

She still loves you.

What?

Yeah. She said she was wrong and that she wanted you back.

She was vulnerable, so I tried to french her.

But no-go.

- Shouldn't Jackie be here by now? - Yeah.

She's supposed to go on in, like, a minute.

I don't think she's gonna show up.

What?

No, but we were gonna do this whole segment on sluts.

And I was gonna be the slut expert.

That's the only kind of expert I'm ever gonna be.

- Hey. - Jackie, I can't believe you showed up.

I can't believe I showed up.

What am I doing with my life?

Okay, come on, people. We got a show to do.

Okay. In three...

Hi, I'm Jackie Burkhart, and here's all the news you need to know.

This just in. Slacks are out.

So, ladies, shave those legs and put on a skirt.

Up next, senior correspondent Michael Kelso joins me

for a very exciting segment I like to call Slut or Not.

- Michael, welcome. - Hi, Jackie. Ladies.

Okay, let's get started.

- Marcy Cavanaugh. - Slut.

Susie Rice.

- Slut. - Mmm.

Hey, could you zoom out a sec?

Ooh, Jenny Keene.

Partly slutty with a chance of severe sluttiness.

- Angie, what the hell? - Burn?

Burn!

Well, there you have it, America, your first televised burn.

Up next, a hard-hitting segment called Girls With Mustaches.

Don't touch that dial, Sherry Papadakis.

- Hey, man, is Jackie around? - Hey.

Yeah, but I thought you weren't talking to her.

You're gonna make up with her, aren't you?

Oh, you're gonna tell her that you love her.

And your little sunglasses are gonna get all fogged up.

Jackie, there's someone here to see you.

Hey.

Uh, I thought maybe we could talk for a minute.

Is it about my show? 'Cause it was awesome.

Steven, I went on and I did great. And I did it on my own.

I mean, I've never been more proud of myself in my entire life.

I'm gonna do great on my own.

I'm sorry. What did you want to talk to me about?

Well, um...

I just wanted to say congratulations on your show.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Did you see Michael with his pants down?

No.

But I don't need a TV to see that.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the full half-hour of Slut or Not.

I've got a phone book here

and a wealth of experience with fooling around,

so let's get started.

"Beverly Addison."

I don't know her personally, but I've heard she has a tattoo.

So congratulations, Beverly Addison. You are a slut.

What the hell happened to this country?

I know Beverly Addison, and I'm glad somebody finally said it.

http://hiqve.com/