Original subtitles

- Okay, this looks good.

- Camp Happy Bear.

I always wanted to be a girl scout.

- Yeah, well, I don't think they're taking

any new members right now.

I mean, it looks pretty abandoned.

- I heard a camp counselor went bonkers

and chopped up a bunch of girl scouts

like 15 years ago.

- What, you heard that, from who?

Karen, they went bankrupt.

Some kid had a bad nut allergy or something

and maybe died, I don't know.

Anyways, they sued them.

Can we just please cool it on the ghost stories

and all that shit,

because I'm kind of freaking out right now.

- You just wanna wait here?

- Yeah.

- For like three hours?

- Yeah.

Full moon's at 8:23.

- Lucy, you're gonna be fine.

- Really?

Does that look fine?

Does that look fine to you, Karen?

Take a good look at it.

- I did, okay?

- No.

It's the last thing...

It's not fine.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, here we are, here we go.

Where'd you get this?

- Cinco De Mayo.

- Okay.

- Oh my god, what is that?

- What do you mean what is this?

It's a fucking gun.

- Okay, yeah, but what am I supposed to do with that?

- You know what to do.

Take it.

And I got bullets.

- Okay, but even if I do this, it's not gonna work.

Why?

- 'Cause you need silver bullets.

- What?

Eric never told me that.

- You told Eric?

- Yeah, I mean, well, if we didn't show up for work-

- So then he's just gonna tell Bob

I shot you in the face?

- Okay.

Great, okay.

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay, there's some more stuff in there

that we're gonna need.

- Where did you get these?

- My parents are really gross.

- Ew.

- Unlike you, Eric took this very seriously,

he said that's just the thing that we need.

- His old homework?

- No, he's like really into

Dungeons and Dragons or whatever.

What a dweeb.

- Yeah, I am gonna go out on a limb here

and say that this is not an officially licensed DM guide.

- What's a DM guide?

What are you talking about?

- Dungeon master.

- Oh.

- Remember my ex, Roger?

- Yes, Roger the rebel.

- He had a bunch of Dungeon and Dragons books.

- Are you missing Roger right now?

Is he still alive?

- He wasn't that old.

- I believe he was bald with a ponytail.

That takes effort.

What do you even call that thing?

A muskullet?

It's like a mullet but for bald guys?

That's so weird.

Okay, it's done.

- Hey.

I brought you something.

- What did you bring me?

What is it?

- Look.

It's not supposed to make you cry.

- You're so nice.

- Luc, they're just brownies.

- You made me a snack.

Did you make them yourself?

- I did.

- Oh my god, it's so late.

Okay.

What is this?

Okay, I'll stop crying.

- It's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be totally fine.

- It's gonna be okay.

- Yeah.

- It's not gonna...

Well, it might happen,

but you know, we're gonna get through it.

- No.

Well, let's eat some damn brownies.

- Okay.

Here you go.

Thank you, Karen.

- You're welcome, Luc.

- So good.

- Lucy.

Lucy.

- What?

What?

- Sorry.

- Sorry, it was the brownie.

- It's okay.

- What time is it?

- It's late.

- Oh my god.

Oh my god, okay, oh my god, okay, what?

Oh, okay.

Take this.

- Yeah.

- Good, okay.

- Oh my god, don't point it at me.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Okay.

- What'd you do that for?

- So I don't claw your face off.

Okay, flashlight towards me.

Good, yeah.

And the gun.

And the gun.

Okay.

Okay, hold it steady, Karen.

- Sorry.

- Okay, just breathe.

Breathe, okay?

Breathe, okay?

Do you see anything?

- No.

- Really?

Okay.

What about now?

- I don't know.

- Okay, well, get closer, Karen.

Come on, get in there.

Deeper, come on.

Okay, what about my teeth, do I have fangs?

- Jesus!

- What?

- You need to floss more.

- Are you kidding me right now?

- No, you should floss more.

You look normal.

- I do?

Yeah.

- Full moon.

Okay, what?

I'm not a werewolf.

- You're not a werewolf.

- I'm not a werewolf.

You're not a werewolf.

- I'm not a werewolf.

I'm not a werewolf!

- You're not a werewolf.

You would've been like, oh!

- I'm not a werewolf!

- She's not a werewolf!

- I'm not a werewolf!

I'm not a werewolf!

- She's not a werewolf!

- Woo, I'm not a werewolf!

- You're kind of crushing me.

- Oh my god, that was really dumb.

That was so dumb.

- So dumb.

- Yeah.

What was that?

Sorry, it expired.

- Excuse me?

- It expired, in the ;80s.

See, right there.

- This is bullshit.

No wonder I never came here to the Dumpy Freeze.

I want my free ice cream.

- Okay, you're not gonna get free ice cream.

You're gonna have to pay for it,

'cause that's how life works.

- Do you know who I am?

My cousins are the Pinot sisters.

- Okay?

- Hello, Olympic figure skating champions.

- So you want free ice cream

because you're related to a couple penises?

Well, aren't you a clever little smart ass?

- Hey, you're the one trying to use a coupon

from last decade.

By the way, isn't that when your penis cousins

won their silver medal?

- Wait a minute, I know you.

You're Lucy.

Lucy Muntzy.

Don't you remember me?

- No.

- You were senior vice president, right?

It's Karen, we went to leadership camp together.

- We have moved beyond high school.

- Shh.

You were a pretty big deal, right?

So now you're just kind of working here now?

- Okay, Miss Penis, the '80s are over,

and so is your coupon.

And you?

Holy shit, I know you too.

The other Karen.

Scary Karen.

Weren't you the one that tried out for track

and shit yourself?

- No.

- Yeah, because it was super gnarly Mexican food.

- All right, well, this has been fun-

- Yeah, and it was cross country,

so get your facts straight, dumb ass.

- Thanks, bud.

- You're welcome.

- Well, congratulations on your new careers.

Tell me, do the chocolate shakes

remind you of your track days?

- Okay.

I'm sorry, cross country.

- Sure, how about I pound you in the face

with this jar of marshmallows?

Hope your bangs save you from it.

- She's not worth it, she's a loser.

- And speaking of winners,

is your mom still getting puke ass drunk

out at the casino?

What a bummer she couldn't land you a waitressing job

out there too.

- Okay, you really wanna go?

- Everything okay?

- No, sir.

These girls working here are unprofessional and crazy.

- Okay, you're the psycho who wants free ice cream.

- I fear for my safety.

- Please, don't insult my staff.

May I see the coupon, please?

- You got really lucky.

- Wow.

It's beautiful.

Why'd you have to make it look so pretty?

- Yeah, she's just gonna slurp it up like a pig.

Say hi to your rich dad for me, bitch.

- Did you see how it brightened her day?

Ice cream has that effect on people.

It's like they regress and become children again.

My dad always said,

"The gold is in the sweetness,

"and the sweetness is in the soul.

"To make one sweet, you gotta make them whole."

- Okay, Willy Wonka.

- Well, I'm outta here.

- Okay.

Have a good vacation, Bob.

Sure am looking forward to it.

We'll hold down the fort for ya.

- Thanks, girls.

Bye!

- Bye, Bob.

Bye, Bob.

Bye, Bob, see ya later, Bob.

Oh, Bob, we love Bob.

Bob is so awesome.

Thanks, girls.

'Cause the soul is in the sweetness

and the sweetness in the soul, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!

- Don't be a dick.

He's so sweet.

- Yeah.

- He has to be into some kinky shit, right?

Like, necrobestiality or something like that.

- What is that, sex with animals?

- Dead animals.

- You're such a freaky weirdo, Luc.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much, Karen.

- Oh my god, Eric!

You ass!

- Oh, you guys are so easy.

- Go get it.

- Okay.

Oops.

There you go.

- Thank you.

- You okay?

- Mm-hmm.

- I didn't scare you too bad.

- Why are you touching me?

- For balance.

I'm sorry.

- Don't do that here.

- Have you guys seen a banana split?

- I present to you my creation, a Shaky Shiver.

- Yes, yes!

- Barf.

- Try it first.

- No, it looks like diarrhea, Karen.

There's no way Bob's gonna let you sale that shit.

Maybe one day when you own your own Dumpy store

you can do whatever your little heart desires.

- Okay, yeah, like that's gonna happen.

- Hey, ask and you shall receive.

- You know nothing works out for me.

I suck at Super Mario Kart,

my mom is a raging alcoholic,

and apparently, I'm still notorious

for crapping my pants seven years ago.

- Okay, Karen, you need to take these negative experiences

and turn them into something positive,

please, for once.

- Can you stop with that?

- Oh, this one time I was at this party,

and my friend's older brother was like,

"I dare everyone to eat a peanut butter

"and habanero sandwich!"

- Uh huh, and guess who did it.

- Me.

I did it.

Yeah, I took a bite, and I was like, hmm,

and I started freaking out

and like chugged a gallon of milk.

- Yeah, and then you puked all over everybody,

it was disgusting.

- It was a gallon of milk,

and yeah, all right, it doesn't matter,

'cause I had to go to the hospital

because my ears were bleeding.

- Oh my god, that's gross.

- No.

- Isn't that when you lost your one and only friend?

- Actually, it was one of the best days of my life,

because everyone heard about it at school,

and they were like, "Eric, he chugged the milk,

"he ate the sandwich!"

And I was like, "Yep!"

And it was pretty awesome.

Everyone thought I was super popular,

and yeah, I lost a little hearing

and my penis didn't work for a bit, but it works now.

- See, if that's not a positive spin,

I don't know what is.

- Eric's changing lives.

- Oh, Jesus.

Oh my god.

I have to get out of this shit hole town.

- Uh huh.

- I honestly think I'm gonna start cutting hair.

- I thought you were gonna start a record label.

- I am, I was...

I can do both.

- Weren't you gonna make a blanket with sleeves type thing?

- Dude, that is a fantastic idea.

- What about your other idea

to have people drive other people around for money?

That's just taxis.

- No, you didn't even read the business model.

Karen, did...

Okay, I'm just...

You know what, I honestly think

I'm just gonna move to New York.

- Sweet, super original.

- It's the best city in the...

Whoa!

- Hello.

- Hi.

Can I help you?

Ma'am, are you deaf?

Can you hear me?

- Hungry.

- Okay, well, you came to the right place,

but unfortunately, we're closed, so.

- I see food.

Ice cream.

- Yeah, we have that,

but it's like all put away, and I already...

Do you have any money?

- I have this.

- What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

- It's beautiful.

- Yeah, and they're everywhere.

- What is it, freeloaders night?

- We haven't eaten in weeks.

- We?

Oh my god, there's more of you?

I can't, I'm so tired.

- We are so hungry.

- I know, I know.

But like, we're closed.

I already put all the shit away, man...

Or woman.

Okay, do you want a nut?

You look like you would want a nut.

Will this suffice?

Open up.

Whoa!

What the hell?

What?

- May your blood turn black, into a devil wolf of the night.

- What?

Ow!

Karen!

Karen?

Ow.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, this can't be that hard.

Dammit.

Okay, you got me, get up.

Stop, get up.

Eric?

Eric?

Eric?

Eric?

Eric?

Eric, I swear to God, if you're messing with me.

Eric, please be messing with me.

Eric, oh my god.

Oh my god, no, no, no!

Oh my god.

Eric!

Help!

Oh no, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Will you come haunt me, please?

Please, come haunt me and be weird.

Okay.

Oh, geez, oh, sorry.

I just stepped on your balls, I'm so sorry.

What the hell is that?

Karen!

Karen!

Okay.

Oh, my lucky day.

Okay.

Karen!

Hello?

Hello?

Karen, is that you?

- Don't come any closer.

- A dog bone, really?

- Stay away, devil wolf.

- Karen, please do not be a dick right now.

Karen, what happened last night?

Did I turn into a werewolf?

- Are you messing with me right now?

- No, I'm not.

I'm not messing with you, Karen.

Because the last thing I remember

is that you shot Eric,

and then I just woke up totally naked.

- Wait, did you say I shot Eric?

- Yeah.

Yeah, he was the one wearing the rubber mask.

- Oh my god.

I killed Eric.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you did.

I mean, it wasn't like totally your fault,

but I mean, kinda.

- Only kinda?

I shot him in the face.

- Yeah, well, I mean, we told him

that we were coming to Camp Happy Bear

and you know, we didn't know he was gonna come and scare us.

What were you thinking, Eric?

- We?

No, you told him and then I killed him.

- Yeah, you did, I know.

I know!

It's awful, Karen, isn't it?

You must feel like a really big piece of shit.

- Oh, thank you, Lucy.

This never would've happened

if you hadn't brought that stupid gun.

- Well, you shot him with the gun, Karen.

God, can you just help me

get this stupid thing off my arm?

- If you ask nicer.

So you don't remember anything from last night?

Howling at the moon, eating rabbits.

- Nothing.

- What if you crap out some random animal bone later?

- Shut up.

- What if you had sex with a wolf?

- Karen!

- Sorry, it's interesting.

At least you know if you join the circus

you could make a ton of money.

Ah!

- Oh my god, thank God.

- High five.

- Oh yeah, high five.

What the hell did you do that for?

- We need to figure this out before you maul me tonight.

- Tonight?

Are you dumb?

There's not another full moon for a month.

- No, the moon can appear full for several nights.

The lunar cycle is 30 days,

the moon has eight faces, you do the math.

- How do you know this?

- Roger, he was romantic.

- Of course he is.

Okay, so what you're telling me

is that there's another full moon tonight?

- Yes.

Well technically, I don't know.

But better to be safe than sorry.

- What, why didn't you say anything before?

- I didn't think it was actually gonna happen.

- Oh, shit!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

What?

What's happening?

Oh my god, what's happening to me?

- The crazy lady, she said your blood would turn black.

- Black blood, that's black,

black blood, that's black blood.

Oh my god, what are we gonna do?

- Go to the hospital?

- What, no way!

They're gonna cut me and do experiments and shit.

- We need to clean your blood.

- How?

- Transfusion.

- Okay.

Okay, yeah, that sounds like the worst idea

I've ever heard of in my life, Karen.

- Okay, do you have any other recommendations?

- Okay, wait, so what, you would run your blood through mine

until it's not black?

- No, I'm not going near that.

- Well then who?

- Eric?

I mean, he's got a full tank and he's not using it.

- Well, who's gonna do it?

- Hello.

- You?

- I'm basically a nurse.

- You took two classes three years ago.

- The knowledge is still fresh.

- Didn't you get Ds?

- It was passed fail.

- I'm gonna die.

- No, you're gonna live.

I got it.

- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Oh my god, please be careful.

- God, he's a heavy little guy.

Sorry, Eric.

- Hey, Karen, yeah, I don't think I can do this.

I don't feel right about this.

I just think that we need...

Yeah, I don't think I can do this.

- We don't have any other option.

- I think we can think of some other options besides this.

- Listen, I don't wanna be that girl

who's like, yeah, I had a best friend,

but then, scientists chopped her up

into little pieces and used her blood

to make wolf soldiers to defeat the Russians.

- Okay.

Well, you know what,

you're gonna be telling that cute little story

to the cops when they arrest you for killing Eric.

You shot him in the face, Karen.

- I have everything I need right here.

- Karen, please listen to me.

I don't wanna do this.

- Which one's the knife?

Do you know which one the knife is?

- I'm just gonna assume that there's no getting...

Okay.

Yep, do your thing.

Jesus Christ.

- Okay, got it.

- What?

What?

It's so thick.

- It's thick?

Yeah.

- What the?

Do you think I should make a bigger hole?

- Okay.

Not too big though.

Oh my god, it's so lumpy.

- Why is it lumpy?

What are you doing?

Why are you looking at me like that?

- I'm gonna cut one of your veins open.

- Uh uh.

- Get some of the infected blood out.

- I don't think it's really that infected.

- Use these straws-

- What?

What, no, why are you all hunched over?

- And siphon some of Eric's blood.

- Siphon?

No, I'm not a lawnmower.

- No, you're a devil wolf of the night.

- I hate you.

- You love me.

- No.

Ow, ow, ow!

- I haven't even done anything yet.

- Oh my god, Karen, I told you, I can't.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

- I'm just going to make a tiny little hole, okay?

- A tiny one?

Yeah.

- Like an itsy-bitsy tiny hole?

- Mm-hmm, itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny.

Okay?

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Okay.

- On the count of three.

Three, two, one.

- No, no, no!

That doesn't feel tiny!

- Stop being such a baby!

Holy crap.

- What?

What?

- Look at this.

- Why is it like that?

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

Get it out!

- Stop moving.

- Get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out!

Where's Eric's blood?

I need Eric's blood!

- Right here. - We need Eric's blood.

Okay.

- You got it?

Swallow it.

- Okay.

- You're good.

I swallowed it.

- Good.

- I'm good, okay.

- Hold it in, be strong.

- That's fine, it's down.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay.

- Swallow it.

- Come on.

Nope, I don't think it's...

Okay.

- Don't!

- Okay.

- No!

- Okay, I feel better now.

Yeah, just cry it out.

- I can't believe he's dead.

- I know.

- I'm definitely going to jail, right?

I mean, I did shoot him.

- It was an accident.

- And I moved his body, and attempted a blood transfusion.

- Yeah, that worked out great.

- Either way you slice it, it doesn't look good.

I guess I can kiss my Friendly Freeze dreams goodbye.

- What?

Karen.

Karen, I love you, I really do,

but wallowing in your own self-pity isn't gonna do shit.

And I'm honestly really scared

that you're gonna wind up like your mom.

- What did you say to me?

Every week it is some new stupid crap with you.

What was it, the donut croissant hybrid?

That was a ridiculous idea.

- Karen.

- It's really easy to judge someone

when you grow up in a nice home

and are constantly told how amazing you are.

- Really?

- But you really can't even wake up

before noon. - Are you kidding me right now?

- And you haven't even accomplished anything in your life.

- Are you kidding me right now?

- Your parents showered you with opportunities.

My mother showered at a casino.

- You know what?

Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I don't know what just happened,

I'm so sorry.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

- It's fine, it's fine.

- You know what, you're absolutely right.

You are, I am such a loser.

- You're not a loser.

- I am.

I'm never gonna be as good as I was.

That's right, this is it.

This is it, Karen.

- Are you talking about

when you were student counsel vice president?

- Yeah.

Nobody even ran against me, I won by default.

- Luc?

What?

- No one cares about that,

except for stupid people

who don't understand how expiration dates work on coupons.

It's not a big deal.

- That's easy for you to say.

- Scary Karen, you don't think that ever bothered me?

They used to put a brown line in a pair of underwear

and put it above my locker.

- They did do that.

Oh, God.

Are we the biggest lame asses in town?

- No.

Eric is.

Or was.

So yeah, I guess we are.

- That's a shitty joke.

- Yeah, I am probably going to Hell.

What?

- Wait, Eric.

The book of spells, right?

- The binder?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- I thought you brought that as a joke.

- Yeah, I mean, I did,

but I mean, it's worth a try.

I mean, we've come this far.

- Binder, where are you?

Oh god, I need to get my life together.

Okay.

What is that?

- God, Jesus, you keep doing that.

What's wrong?

- Not to make any of this weirder,

but there is some strange stuff going on outside.

I've been hearing sounds.

- Dude, me too.

What the hell is that?

- I don't know, but I definitely saw something

out in the woods.

- You saw something?

Well, what did you see?

What did it look like?

- It looked like trees and bushes

that were moving, like a forest creature.

- Forest creature?

- Forest creature.

- Okay.

Anyway, the binder.

- Right, sorry.

Where did Eric get this?

- I think he got it from his little brother,

who got it from some weird cult or something like that.

- I heard his brother went missing a couple years ago.

- Karen, just can we stay focused, please?

- All right, well, this is dumb,

because we're not gonna find...

Oh, curing the werewolf virus.

That was surprisingly easy.

- Yeah.

- Looks like you read the incantation

to the infected person.

All right, you ready?

- Yes.

- All right.

- Did it get super cold in here all of a sudden?

- I don't think so.

- Maybe I'm horny.

- Do you feel any different?

- No, same.

- I guess we're just gonna have to wait 'til tonight then.

- Yeah, in the meantime, can you just undo these,

because I really have to pee.

- I don't have the keys.

- What?

- You packed the handcuffs.

I don't know where you put the keys.

- But I don't know where the keys are.

- I mean, I went to get the binder,

that's all you told me to get.

- You can't just handcuff somebody to a bedpost

when you don't have the keys.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I was trying to protect us.

- Give me this.

Maybe there's a spell in here that can turn you into a dildo

so I can shove more problems up my ass.

- Oh, real mature.

- Karen, you read the wrong spell.

- What?

Yeah.

- Oh, crappers.

- Yeah, you read the spell

for turning someone into a zombie.

- Okay, that's confusing.

Yeah, but this points, that arrow goes there, and that-

- Oh yeah, I see, that is kind of confusing.

- This is a formatting issue.

- This is stupid.

- All right, but on the bright side,

in order for that spell to work

you would need a dead person to...

Oh my god!

- Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Come on!

It's all you!

It's all you, Karen, I believe in you!

Come on, believe in yourself.

Karen, you can do this.

- You smell so bad.

- Get him, Karen!

Oh!

Ooh!

That was good.

That was really good.

You did it.

You killed him twice, you killed him twice.

Karen?

Are you okay?

- He scratched me up pretty good.

- He did?

Karen?

Karen?

Karen, no.

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Oh my god.

Come on!

Come on!

No, Karen, no!

Come on!

Okay.

God, why is she so slow?

Okay.

This one.

Nope, wrong one.

Okay.

Oh my god, I still have to pee.

Hello.

Ah, good job.

Let's go that way.

Yeah, that way.

Here, Karen, look.

Look, Karen, it's hairspray.

Doesn't that smell nice?

Good job.

Bye.

Okay, nice job.

Right on.

Okay, it's kind of weird

that you turned into a zombie, but...

What?

You're not supposed to be smart.

Okay, bye!

Good job, keep it up.

Keep up the good pace.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Okay.

Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie.

Oh, revenge monster, that's interesting.

Now she's fast?

Okay.

Karen?

Oh.

Oh my god, wow, that's so gross.

This thing has everything.

God.

Oh.

Give me a sec, Karen.

Yes, zombie.

Okay.

Okay.

No, Karen.

Karen.

Karen, is that you?

- What happened?

- Oh, thank God.

Yeah, you're maybe gonna wanna go grab a rag

and kind of dab.

- What's on my face?

- I don't think you wanna know.

- This is a peaceful place to leave him.

- Yeah.

Okay.

Should we say something?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Hey, Eric, I'm sorry.

This is weird, right?

- It's only weird if you make it weird.

- I just wish I could talk to him again.

- Yeah, me too.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

- Well, maybe there's something in here

that can like bring him back to life, I don't know.

- I think we already did the zombie thing.

- Let me see.

Son of a bitch, this thing has everything.

- Conjuring a soul back into a deceased body.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

- Is that a good idea?

- I mean, yeah, it says it only lasts one minute.

So I mean, what could go wrong?

- I don't think you should say that.

- Okay, well, let's try.

Okay.

Eric?

- Eric, hello?

Eric?

- Oh my god!

- Oh my god!

You dick!

- You piece of shit.

- That never gets old.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, ladies.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, why'd you do this?

- I'm sorry, it was my fault.

You came to the window and I was scared, it was an accident.

I would never hurt you.

- Where's my brain?

- You wanna take that one, Karen?

- You were a zombie and I was a zombie.

- She ate them.

- You don't remember?

I thought souls were supposed to be all-knowing.

- Yeah.

- No, we're not, Hannibal Lector.

- Oh.

- But I can travel through walls.

- Cool.

- So I'm gonna watch you two go to the bathroom

'til that gets boring.

- Oh my god.

- No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I must look pretty terrible.

- Yeah.

- No.

- No.

You look great.

I actually don't think I've ever seen you look better.

- Really?

Yeah, you look like so handsome.

- Thank you.

- So do people like bone in Heaven?

- Where is Amelia Earhart?

Are aliens real?

- Is God a woman?

- What religion is correct?

- Should I invest in more Beanie Babies?

- Can you say hi to my Aunt Bonnie for me?

- Who killed JFK?

Do people fuck in Heaven?

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yes, people do that in Heaven.

I haven't yet, but I'm gonna.

But I gotta tell you guys something, okay,

you guys wanna hear something crazy incredible?

- Yes! - Yeah.

- Okay, okay.

So John Lennon-

No!

- Eric!

- Get him back!

- Wake up!

Wake up, Eric!

- Do the spell, do the spell.

- Okay.

Oh, oh, oh.

Can only use once.

Damn.

- We wasted it.

- Yeah.

- We gotta go.

- Okay.

Yeah, okay, you go, I'll get this.

Okay.

Okay.

Make sure that you haunt me.

And the bathroom thing is totally okay.

Bye, Eric.

Wait, wait, wait, Karen, don't go that way.

Let's go this way, I know a shortcut.

- Oh, okay.

- So do you think your car's like completely totaled?

- Probably.

- Really?

- It was on its last leg.

- That sucks.

There's a lot of good memories in that car.

It's the only thing my mom ever gave me.

- Well, technically it was taken away from her

after her fifth DUI.

- That's fair.

At least we made it out alive.

- Well, wait.

Karen, I'm still a werewolf.

- Crappers.

Shoot!

- The binder.

- Oh, yeah.

- Good thing it's still daylight.

- Yeah.

What in the world?

This can't be good.

- Where are we?

What happened?

This is awkward.

- Oh my god, you're hunting people, right,

that's what you're doing?

- And you take them here, dismember them,

make lampshades out of their skin.

Sick crap like that, right?

- What, no.

You guys are so silly.

But I do have a secret.

- I knew he was a sociopath.

- And I think it's time to come clean.

- Oh, we're dead.

- For years and years, I've been obsessed with-

- Murder?

- Bigfoot.

- I'm sorry, Bigfoot?

- Yeah.

I know, girls, it all sounds kind of silly,

but my Robin would never fib.

She only saw the good in the world.

And I try to do the same.

When she told me that she saw Bigfoot,

of course I believed her,

I mean, why would she make up something like that?

No one else in the town believed her.

They all laughed behind her back.

They called her the town loser.

My sweet Robin died of a broken heart.

- Oh.

- Anyway, I'm sorry you guys stumbled in

to my Bigfoot trap.

And I'm glad you're okay.

- Yeah, it's okay.

We're okay.

- I bet you heard some of the craziest sounds

out there tonight.

- Yeah, what was that?

- This was the first recording in '69.

And this, the infamous attack in '74 near Spokane.

Wow.

- And more recently, the recording

by the stranded truck driver in '86.

Oh, but you guys knew that one.

- Sure.

- So I created a loop that was half distress call

and half rescue call.

Covered a lot of ground that way.

- That's pretty creative, Bob.

- That's got to be the craziest story

you have ever heard.

- You'd be surprised.

- So what are you guys doing out here?

- Well, that's kind of a long story too.

- Can't be any stranger than mine.

- Oh, God.

Yeah, it's quite a doozy.

- Well, I'm all ears.

- Okay, so a crazy lady came to the Friendly Freeze

and wanted free ice cream.

We didn't give it to her.

- Yeah, we made fun of her instead.

- She had this creepy sock puppet thing

and it bit Lucy in the arm.

- Yeah, she cursed me to become a werewolf.

- So Eric followed us up here,

and he put on this wolf mask,

and he scared us.

- Yeah, she shot him in the face.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Yeah, so I woke up naked in the middle of nowhere,

with bugs all over my body.

And found Karen in this little cabin here.

- And I had a pretty solid idea

to do a blood transfusion,

so I dragged Eric's body back here.

- Yeah, it was actually a complete shit show.

- And Lucy got this spell book from Eric.

- Oh, Bob, you will not believe

what this thing can do.

- So long story short, that's how we ended up

passed out under your Bigfoot net.

- Yeah, you know, Bigfoot net sounds pretty normal

compared to the day that we had.

- You're telling me Eric is dead?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

He's out by the oak tree.

Oh, one more thing,

Lucy's still a werewolf

and she might transform again tonight,

so we need to reverse the curse.

Where is the binder?

- Wait a minute, this is a lot to take in.

Are you guys on drugs?

- Not right now, no.

- I think I'm gonna have to call the police.

- Wait, hold on, Bob. - Bob, come on.

- Hold on, Bon.

- We have had a gnarly day.

One of my employees is dead.

- Can we deal with this tomorrow?

I just wanna go home, maybe eat a whole box of cereal.

That sounds good, right, Luc?

Luc?

Oh no, the binder!

I need the binder!

There's a spell in here.

There's a spell in here to solve it.

Okay.

It didn't work!

I don't know this word.

- Give me that!

- Bob, you did it!

You did it!

- Ow.

- Come on, Luc, let's get you out of here.

How great are these spells?

- Huh?

Oh yeah, they're great.

Probably make a fortune off of them or whatever.

Sell that Bigfoot stuff too.

- We could be rich.

- Girls, we need to go see the sheriff.

- I have a bit of history with Sheriff Flanders.

It's not like sexual or anything.

Bob, I think you can just go around this.

There's no one crossing.

I actually don't think anyone's crossed for, well, ever.

So I think you're good.

- The lady that came into the Friendly Freeze,

tell me again what she looked like.

- Well, she kind of looked like a tree.

I know that sounds really weird.

- She had crazy eyes.

- Yeah, and then she had branches or like twigs

growing out of her fingernails,

I know that sounds completely bizarre,

but that's what she looked like.

- When she looked at you,

was it like she was staring through the windows

of your soul?

- Yeah.

- Did you know her, Bob?

- She came into the shop about 20 years ago.

She asked for something to eat,

but didn't have any money.

I felt bad, so I gave her my ice cream special.

She said good fortune was coming to me,

and I swear not five minutes later,

a beautiful woman walked into my life.

Maybe she was some kind of morality test or something.

- Well, we failed that.

- Yeah, I don't think this thing ever stops flashing,

so I really think we can just.

- So what happened with the girl?

- Okay, we can go.

- What's wrong?

- I'm not sure, let me check.

- I guess we'll just stay here forever,

for the rest of our lives.

I have to pee.

- You're on your own.

- Really?

- You heard what Eric said,

his ghost is watching us go, one and two.

- Why do you care?

I'm the one peeing.

- Need help, Bob?

Thanks for sharing your story, Bob.

Your wife sounded like a really lovely woman.

- Oh, she sure was.

Come on, Elkie girl, you can do it.

- Guys, guys, we need to go.

We gotta go.

There's like people coming out of the woods

in white cloaks.

I know what that sounds like,

but they're after me, so we gotta go.

- No, these woods can be very scary,

I think they just got the best of you.

- No, no, no, Bob, it's not like that.

It's not the woods, it's people coming out of the woods

and they're gonna kill us,

so we gotta go, are you ready?

Let's go.

We have to go!

Look, look, there they are! - Oh my god.

Do you see them?

- Oh my god, we need to go!

We need to go!

- What do you want from us?

- That's the summon from the book.

Lucy, do you think they want this?

- I don't know.

- Get in the car, get in the car, get in the car.

Okay, start the car, Bob, start the car.

They're getting closer,

start the car, Bob.

- Bob, start the car!

- Come on, Elkie!

- Yes, yes!

Go!

- Yeah, we're gone, bitches!

- Bob.

- I know you.

Do you need help?

Are you lost?

- No.

I found exactly what I was looking for.

- Hey!

Bob!

Stop!

Stop!

You cursed her and we defeated you,

fair and square, with this.

No, no!

- Karen!

Karen!

- You may have broken the curse,

but you'll never escape me.

Go, save yourselves, get out of here.

Come on.

- No!

- Karen, what are you doing, we have to go, come on!

- We can't leave!

- Karen, if we don't leave, we're dead.

We lose!

- We have to do something.

- No, Karen, I'm so sick of being a loser.

- If you're a loser then I'm a loser.

- No, I'm sorry, I have to go.

I'm so sorry, I have to go, you're on your own.

I'm done.

- Bob!

Bob!

- I told you to go.

- I couldn't leave you, you're like my family.

The Friendly Freeze is all I've got.

- Oh, do you want a Friendly Freeze?

Here, why don't you try this one?

- No, stop!

- Scary Karen.

Let's try to keep it in your pants this time, huh?

You're a failure, you're doomed, just like your mother.

- Don't you dare talk about my mother!

- Like mother, like daughter.

Why would you help these heathens?

- They're good girls.

Sometimes bizarre and misguided, but good.

- But I gave you the love of your life.

This is how you repay me?

That's such a shame.

Eventually, you would've been reunited with your wife,

but now, I gotta take you with me,

along with this loser.

- Hey!

You creepy woodland bitch.

She may be a loser, but she's my loser.

Oh, shit!

Where is she?

- What happened?

- Did you see him?

- Who?

- He's real.

I always knew he was real.

Bob, there's no one here.

Who are you talking about?

Hello?

Hello?

Are you there?

I want to speak to the manager.

- Hey, what's up, Bob?

Taking the day off, Bob?

- More than that, I got some news.

- Now what?

- I am giving you the Friendly Freeze, Karen.

- Oh my god, Bob,

that's like the nicest thing, man.

Dude, score.

- Are you serious?

- After the other night, I don't know,

I felt released from this place, you know?

I always believed my wife, but now I know for sure.

Anyways, I'm heading up to Alaska.

- You looking for a Yeti?

- Nope, singles cruise.

- Whoa, that's awesome, Bob.

- This town has a funny way of underestimating people.

But the other night, you proved yourselves

what you're made of,

and that's the important thing.

- Well, you'll always have a chair here, Bob.

Thanks.

- When you come back into town,

you can try a Shaky Shiver.

- What's that?

- You'll see.

- All right, girls, take good care of this place.

- We will.

- Oh, crappers.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Black raspberry sugar cone, don't skimp, skank.

I'll get it.

- Where's Bob?

- He's gone, went up north.

- And when is he coming back?

- I don't know, maybe never.

- You two waste-oids are now running this place?

- Yeah, I'm the new owner.

- And I'm the new manager in training.

- Well, you guys-

- Hold that thought, be right back.

A Shaky Shiver on the house.

- Did you shit in this, Scary Karen?

- No.

- This is amazing.

- Have a good one.

Curing one loser at a time.

- I know we have to be nice to people

if we want to make money,

but God, what I would give to have that binder

to cast a spell on that slut bag.

- As a matter of fact-

- What did you do?

Okay, this is cute, but it's only like two spells,

how to turn someone into a zombie and how to-

- Turn it over.

- Hey, sorry, we're-

- Hey, you must be Lucy.

What's up, Lucy?

- Roger.

- The rebel.

- What are you doing here?

- Oh my god.

- Yeah, I'm on a quest to reunite with my dark angel.

You know what I'm saying?

And I've heard that she's become quite the land baron,

so it's time to reunite and join forces,

you know what I'm saying,

because we're both entrepreneurs.

Like, we could join like The Wonder Twins.

Like, she could be the shampoo and I'm the conditioner.

Silk and smoothy, you know what I'm saying?

- Roger, it's not happening.

- You know, I feel a little discrimination in this room

'cause people are envious of our sexual deliciousness,

so I'ma leave you be and let you make your sweet tooth.

Let me get a hee, hee.

Hee, hee.

Just one hee?

- Hee, hee.

- You did it?

That's what I'm talking about.

- Well, if it's gonna make him live.

You got shot by the bang, bang.

- Go home, Roger!

- I think I just...

Oh my god, I'm having a panic attack.

All right, I'm okay.

- Say hi to your mom though.