Original subtitles

What is this thing called love?

This funny thing called love?

Just who can solve its mystery?

Why should it make a fool of me?

I saw you there.

that wonderful day you took my love and threw

it away and so I ask the Lord in heaven

above what is this thing called love

I only wish all of our clients were such a delight, Alana.

Lovely evening.

Considering we spent dinner plotting out how to spill the blood of that

predatory prick.

Two P -words in a row. I'm approaching threshold.

Alana, you do $300 million a year.

You're a target.

Your naughty dreams bra is a runaway hit. It was inevitable somebody was

to rip it off. Well said, Michael.

Win the lawsuit for me, guys.

I want that bastard's balls shriveling in a small jar in a hot room.

We'll make this go away a lot.

Are you staring at my breasts, Luther?

No, no, just marveling at the engineering brilliance of your naughty

I'm not wearing a bra.

Oh, brilliant.

Bye now.

What a good person she is.

Yeah, other than being a power -crazed, oversexed, castrating bitch.

Oversexed? I didn't know that.

Since she's one of our biggest clients, I suppose I shouldn't sleep with her,

right? You shouldn't sleep with her because she'd snap your dick off and use

as a cat toy. Did you see how her nipples were pointed right at me when

vicious was arrived?

I'm not just imagining things here, Michael.

They were making direct eye contact with me and saying, Luther, we're in here

and we're all alone.

Yes, we want to come out and have some fun. We need a friend.

Oh, my God!

You own a ski condo? I did that weekend.

Oh, that's the squirter, the one I told you about.

Loads of fun, loads of laundry.

Luther, we've got a bar in here and some nasty DVDs from Iceland.

Come say hi.

Iceland.

Sir,

are you Michael Strathmore?

Yes, what's going on?

Sir, you're under arrest.

For what?

I have a bench warrant. Do you have an attorney?

I am an attorney.

Now, see here, officer. I can vouch for Mr. Strathmore. What's the charge?

Sir, are you interfering with an arresting officer?

Are those girls underage?

Absolutely not. They're part of a church group.

What's your badge number, officer?

It's okay. I'll handle this, Luther.

Oh.

Entertainment Tonight is going to love this.

Down we go. Down the hatch.

And they're really going to love this.

Oh, nipple, can you see me? Nipple, can you hear me?

My second wife never cared for gambling.

Probably because she's too young to get into the casinos.

Anyway, not to get too deep here because I hate that shit.

It's all a big gamble anyway, isn't it?

I mean, what are the odds I'm going to fall in love with a car show model and

want to get married for the eighth time?

Fate is one crazy motherfucker.

It's like I tell Michael, you spin the wheel, the ball falls where it may.

Fate could give a fat fuck what you think.

Boy, you know it, we're all wearing heavy makeup in a box anyway, so let go

the handlebars.

Why did you blindfold me? What is this?

What am I being...

Escorted to my own murder?

Hey, shut up.

You're in trouble.

A lot of trouble.

Hey, officer.

You ever heard of police brutality?

Is murder enough for you?

You're lions.

It's just imagination.

I don't have an imagination.

I'm a lawyer, remember?

Quiet, I'll just... Good,

I missed you, Cock.

I know, it's been asking about me.

We're at the fucking zoo.

Yeah, you're like, yeah.

Great idea, Jane.

Protecting and serving.

What's your excuse?

Are you okay?

Yeah. What is it?

I'm good.

You were better a minute ago.

You worry too much.

Tell me I'm wrong, I'll stop asking.

How old were you when you got your first kiss?

You got a problem with the way I kiss?

You can do some work.

Listen, I gotta get back on shift, so let's get out of here.

Get me out of there.

Hi. I'll run you back to the restaurant to get your car.

I'll walk. I feel like getting some air.

You're pissed.

I can tell because your sentences get clipped and impersonal. You never told

I kiss like a fucking amateur.

I never compared you to an amateur.

Your lips are kind of weird, that's all.

Everybody's isomagical. What are you, head of the genome project?

I don't want to hear anymore.

If I kissed like you, I would want details.

Well, I'm not you, for which I am grateful for. Now pull over.

Where's my pants?

No! Just throw my pants out the goddamn window!

No, no, no, that's not funny.

What are you, 12?

Stop the goddamn car!

You think I'm too self -conscious to walk around without my pants on?

You think you can control me through my pants?

What pants?

Go to hell!

Oh, I'm already there. Don't expect to see me.

I'll be laying low so me and my deformed lips aren't out in public scaring

children.

I once got into a four -hour argument with a nice man about fellatio and

communism. She swore she didn't swallow unless the man gave to Soviet charities

and told her she was an extortionist.

I love sucking cock.

That's good fucking weed.

They say the measure of a first -class mind is the ability to entertain two

opposing thoughts at the same time.

I think the measure of a first -class mind is knowing when to tell someone to

kiss your ass.

People never argue about what they're arguing about. It's all just symbolic.

I say cut to the chase, swallow, and get on with it.

God, I'm going to be late.

You didn't sleep last night. I could hear you tossing and turning.

You smell like the veld. We're back to the zoo. I've got to go. A zoo?

Okay, give me some more details here so I can burn off my antidepressants.

It's the kissing problem, okay? You happier now?

He accused you of that? I mean, that's totally insensitive. No, I accused him.

You don't like the way he kisses.

You have no future.

Is it like he's licking stamps?

No. He's got some techniques and subtlety.

I told him it's the lip alignment problem.

Which was bullshit.

Total.

So you're saying that you're kissing him better than he's kissing you?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Sometimes the person who feels most holds back most.

He's a lawyer. He doesn't know what he feels.

His lips do.

This is my...

absolute conviction that if we are going to mount... Don't say mount. Proper

defense for Alana, who is the future of really suggestive underwear in America,

hereinafter referred to as Silky Wack Coffee, and assure her a courtroom

victory, at which time she will become a billionaire and my third wife, we need

to have a more intimate understanding of her product line. Blah, blah. You just

like touching that stuff.

What's the matter with you? You're so pissy this morning.

In trouble in Copland?

She is sexy, by the way. She into threesomes? Her, me, the squirter?

I'll bring my own top.

You know what she's into?

Hurting my feelings.

She told me I kiss bad. Really?

No one ever said that to me before.

It's over between us.

Bad kissing is the kiss of death.

What's your, uh, style?

What do you mean?

You're kissing style.

Show me. I've kissed a few women. I'm objective.

I'm not going to kiss you. Come on, Michael.

This is for your own good. I don't derive any erotic pleasure from it.

Take charge.

Do you tilt left or right?

Right. Lovely.

Oh, very nice cologne, by the way. Thank you. Tongue?

Not right now.

Understood. My lips are yours.

One more go. Need more data.

It was good.

But not great.

I feel fulfilled.

You're not just saying that?

Now that we've kissed, maybe you're...

Afraid to hurt my feelings?

No, I think you're a very good kisser, Michael.

However, I do have one tip.

If I may.

It's nice.

What was it?

What was that thing you were doing? Suction.

Suction? Suction.

It's your friend.

Relax. I'm in arms.

Nice place.

Whatever looks good is my sister's idea.

She's the one with the taste.

You're saying you don't have taste?

I'm the girl with the gun.

Taste isn't my strength.

What is?

Going too far?

Look, I invited you here to apologize to you.

And your lips.

And maybe later your cock.

What is it? Do I scare you?

A little.

I feel like you see right through me.

I just have intense eye contact.

You have intense everything.

I'm trying to work on that.

I... I lied to you.

The other night, what I said about your lips.

When I thought about it, I realized maybe it was me.

Come in, Rita.

Not too early, am I?

You with me, Michael?

I'm Rita.

What's going on?

Rita's an old friend.

I invited her here to give us some perspective.

Like I said, maybe it was me.

I still remember the exact moment that I met Vic at the auto show.

I was gesturing at the new Lexus.

No.

That was it.

And he walks past in his sexy flight jacket, and he looks just like Val

at a Top Gun.

And he sees me, and he says, I think I love you.

And then he kisses me.

And I kiss him back.

And then I think, oh, God, Chantel.

What did you just do?

And then I thought, don't stop.

Because this is the real thing.

You know why?

You can tell if it's the real thing by the way a man kisses you.

And I was so right.

That's real love.

And vacations and eating out at fabulous restaurants and jewelry.

It doesn't hurt that it's hung like King Kong.

Which one do you like better, Country Club A or Country Club B?

Whichever one admits Jews.

I'm serious.

Stop being so cavalier and snarky. I was being uncaring and ironic.

Come on, I need a location for Pemmy's surprise party.

Pemmy? Her name's a kid, Pembroke.

Pembroke is a family name.

We were on the Mayflower.

Do you have slaves?

Are you going to help me or not?

That one.

Really? The other one. What difference does it make? It's a goddamn country

club. A lot of white -haired guys walking around in plaid pants and bow

What is going on with you, Michael?

You were like a different person since that accident.

Come that close to death, all bets are off.

Is that what we are?

A bet?

But we are.

We're winning.

Just remember there's nothing you can't tell me.

We're engaged.

Michael, they're playing our song.

Oh, yeah.

Dance with them.

Come on, right here in the street.

We are insane.

I need for your thoughts.

Yeah, it looks like our man.

Grab him.

That's no fun.

You have to chase him a little. Come on.

No. No, I know that look.

You're on edge. Promise me you're not going to go all Charlie Sheen again.

Last thing you need is another pension.

I'm just messing with you.

Come on. Give me a little credit.

I can't. Especially when your boyfriend hasn't called you in three days.

I haven't called him either.

And he's not my boyfriend.

It's just a random statement. Really?

I thought you two were hot and heavy.

No big deal.

Flashing.

Be right back.

Good afternoon. Welcome to the world of law -abiding... What's this about,

officer? A little thing we like to call breaking an error.

What?

Can I help you back there?

Very nice. Thank you.

Look, maybe you guys are just too much alike.

I mean, the last person you want to get in the ring with is yourself, right?

Really? Is that your psychology degree, hanging over the rear view of her?

Madam, I am an acute observer of the human condition, especially yours.

One thing I know about you, Liz, nothing you can't solve.

Up until now.

This guy really got to you.

What if it got to him?

Anyway, there's other fish in the sea.

I beg to differ.

Shut up, Edgar.

Hey, Pelon, I know what I'm talking about.

Leave me alone.

You should write this down, sweetheart.

You're far too pretty.

Listen to me. I don't give a mad fuck what kind of pole or bait you use if

you're poor or if you're rich.

You're going to catch the fish you're supposed to catch.

¿Me entiendes?

No number five.

Oh, why must I always go for the freaky chicks?

Luther, the straps are too tight.

Note number six.

Michael?

Kiss me.

Oh, you don't like the way I kiss.

It's not that, it's just... I wasn't sure you meant it.

I didn't realize it mattered to you.

I didn't either.