Original subtitles

What is this thing called love?

This funny thing called love?

Just who can solve its mystery?

Why should it make a fool of me?

I saw you there that wonderful day you

took my love and threw it away and

so I ask the Lord in heaven above what

is this thing called love

Thanks, Chuck.

Michael Strathmore.

Oh, hi, Joss.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

I'm a little caught up. Might not get to the fundraiser on time, but... Sir?

Sir, can you hear me?

Cover your eyes. I'm going to get you out before you blow, okay?

Yeah, no problem.

Yeah, Joss, I'd love to stay out and chat, but I'm told I may blow.

You breathe?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

What's your name?

Michael. Michael Strathmore.

What happened?

Some guy swerved in front of me and I jerked the wheel.

You're lucky.

It could have been a lot worse.

No, no! It was in my car!

It's a classic.

Well, it's an ashtray now, sir.

Well, maybe I could fix it up. I don't know. Some Bondo. Okay, well, I think

you're over there.

Let's go over there.

Any pain?

Hats? Um, okay, I guess.

Officer Campano, thank you.

You saved my life.

Not a problem, sir. It's my job.

I'm a professional.

Looks like you did okay.

Are we done?

I gotta beat a thing.

She'll understand.

She doesn't, fuck her.

Cops allowed to say fuck?

What the fuck?

Yeah.

You want to ride in back or up here with me?

This is good.

Okay. Let's go.

You always drive so fast?

I'm barely moving.

Looking at your speedometer, that's neither accurate nor descriptive.

What are you?

What do you mean?

You talk like a robot.

Why, because I'm specific?

I believe language should be used to maximize clarity.

Maximize clarity?

Yeah.

Great.

Got something against lawyers?

Long list.

You needn't go into it now.

Needn't? What are you, part of the royal family? It's correct English, which is

probably why I'd rubbed you the wrong way.

What is that?

Is that a cat?

No, it's a cow.

What's a cat doing in your squad car?

Is it a police cat? Is this just conversation, or are you compiling

have proved as inevitable?

I like cats.

What's his name?

Pablo.

He likes to go on rides.

Lola, my neighbor, gave him to me.

Lola? That's an exotic name.

Lola's an artist.

She slept with Picasso.

But she blew Freud.

Who didn't?

You blow the father of psychoanalysis and it haunts you for the rest of your

life. There goes Lola Marquez. She blew Freud.

But the upside is it gets you invited to a lot of parties.

Yeah, that's me.

Let's be nice, driving around in a tuxedo, going to events.

Isn't a house that cool?

Yes and no.

Great view, but I live alone.

Get a llama. Or maybe a tanning bed.

Whatever you lonely rich guys fill your houses with.

Are you going back on duty now?

I'm not on duty.

Why the uniform?

Why the question?

You're pretty defensive.

Sometimes.

When you were giving me mouth -to -mouth, can I be honest?

I didn't really need it.

I know.

Anything you say will cost you.

Look, I'm not saying my sister Liz is the easiest person in the world, but

worth it.

She also happens to be one of the sexiest women I've ever known.

Sure, I'm partial to women, and the male genitalia basically revolt, terrify,

and paralyze me. And sure, I think that men are at their best when they're

picking up heavy things and moving them, like pianos or...

Their egos.

But as a woman who knows women, I'll tell you, this chick knows stuff. I

grew up with her, and she always understood exactly how to get underneath

another person's skin.

And the way I hear it, no one sucks a cock like Liz.

Did you ever feel your nerve endings pop open like little

umbrellas? It tastes good.

I can barely speak.

You liked it?

I am forever changed.

Probably overdue.

I should probably let you go now.

Just being polite.

Why don't you just say what you mean?

You know what I mean. Then say it.

It's a little too close to the sun, have you?

Aren't you gonna uncuff me?

No, where did I put that key?

Hey, very funny. You know, I do have a thing. Yeah?

I have to get to...

Thank you.

Thank you.

You let it breathe.

You should see my soul.

I did that for a second.

I gotta go.

You look really amazing naked.

I'm never naked. It just looks that way.

You ever been in love? Are you trying to get to know me?

Because I hate that.

You still look naked.

What about you?

Have you ever been in love?

I'm not a big love guy.

I'm not surprised.

You should try it sometime.

It might take your mind off that dark void of your legal career.

Don't you mean the trivia of my existence?

One thing you're not, Michael, is trivial.

Hey, Joss. Michael.

Hey. Are you okay?

I just saw a police car leaving.

Yeah, I flipped my car, Joss.

I could have been killed.

Luckily, this officer saved me and drove me home.

Oh, my God.

Are they doing a thorough investigation?

Yeah.

They already started.

Okay. Okay, good. Good.

I'm just sorry you missed my speech.

Introducing the governor.

I bet you were awesome.

I was.

Wrists are bruised.

How did that happen?

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, you fucking cop.

You're my hero.

I always wanted to populate the cop thing.

So, what was it like? Details, details.

Well, for starters, Luther, they don't have vaginas. They have holsters.

Don't do this to me, Michael. I'm obsessed with women. I crave them. I

them. I require at least two per day, three during daylight savings.

My phenomenal sex life is none of your fucking business. My business is

Mergers and acquisitions, one step up from sodomy.

So, how did you meet? Was it violent?

Did you get to ride in a squad car? Yes, if you must know.

An intended man erect and speeding in a black and white, sirens wailing on his

way to be in flagrante delicto with... Luther! What?

Will you please talk about the trademark infringement suit now? Fine, fine.

What did you do about Jocelyn?

It doesn't matter what I did about Jocelyn. Oh, yeah, you're right.

What was I thinking?

Just because your fiancé's father happens to be the founding partner of

firm, what would it matter that you betrayed his only sane daughter in your

coital frenzy?

Okay, Luther.

The cop leaves.

My nightmare officially begins.

Amazing. God, two in one night? It's a dream come true.

No, no, it's not, Luther. I... I felt guilty.

I care about Jocelyn. We're talking about making a life together. It's just

this... This other woman, I can't explain it.

It's crazy.

Well, I apologize for my insensitivity.

Thank you.

Michael, you said...

Crazy. That means slams, doesn't it?

Why don't you just go out and get yourself a job in the porn industry?

You know someone.

Hello, lads. Morning, Mr. Delacorte.

Missed you at the fundraiser last night.

Jocelyn tells me that you were in a bit of a scrape. Say the least.

He was seriously tied up.

Carry on.

Thank you, Quip Master.

It's what I do.

These are magnificent.

Are you paying attention to anything here?

Yeah, sure. I'm right with you.

I'm only doing this dinner party for you, Michael.

I mean for my father and Snapple.

Chantel. Hard to keep track.

What is she, my seventh or eighth stepmom?

One thing we can say for your dad, you should have thrown his hat in the ring.

Did we shift right into let's get married sooner talk?

You're so dramatic.

No, Josh, I know how you like to have everything so perfect.

My work, I have to be precise.

The wrong armoire, an ill -chosen pillow, the whole room suffers.

I'm not talking about your decorating business, Josh. I'm talking about life.

Well, life's messy enough. I don't have to add to the clutter.

Who cares about clutter? It doesn't... It's just clutter.

Michael, where is this coming from?

It's coming from me.

No, it isn't.

I've never seen this before.

What's your dark side?

It's my oxidized side.

I'm rusting.

You mean I'm boring you.

I can change that.

No, Josh, it's not about us.

It's about me. You want to know how I feel? I feel too damn polite. I feel

premeditated.

It's a word they use to describe murders. I'm trying to fucking tell you

going on with me.

Is any of this getting through to you?

Of course.

And you didn't have to say fucking, sweetie.

Maybe it was my sixth divorce that scared Mikey from ever getting close to

chick.

Probably my fault I set a bad example for him since most of my wives were

constructed of silicone and bubble gum.

Fair enough.

But I did give him one great piece of advice.

Mikey, I said, follow your dick.

Dick never lies, at least not to you.

You don't follow your dick, one day it falls off like a bad bonsai tree and you

end up sucking bottled oxygen somewhere in Rancho Mirage wondering where all the

good times went.

Follow your dick.

It's got a perfect sense of direction.

How's the cappuccino?

Oh, it's fabulous.

What's this design in the phone here?

Oh, that's the Shroud of Turin.

Any punk can make a tulip.

Stop picking on my sister, Michael.

Wait, this is the guy you were telling me and Lola about this morning?

What's that supposed to mean?

An exit and port sign.

Here.

Where are you going?

I got what I needed. Now or last night?

I've got to go.

Hold on. No, no, come on. I came out here in the middle of my day to sign

papers for you. At least have the courtesy to say goodbye.

Officer Campano.

Hey. How'd the hearing go this morning?

Oh, yeah.

A million laughs.

They put me on probation.

The heavy money was on suspension.

You got ten lives, though.

Who's that?

Oh, I have no idea.

Okay. Look, just hurry back, all right?

Fighting crime is just civil service without you putting.

No idea?

Oh, I have plenty of ideas.

Why'd they put you on probation?

It was absolutely nothing.

They put you on probation for absolutely nothing?

They didn't like the way I made a collar on a bad guy.

Okay?

Hey!

You're under arrest.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Call for backup!

You chased after the guy in your squad car without your partner.

He was in the men's. And then you subdued him with your baton. Look, I get

little excitable, but that scumbag had it coming.

You know what? What's your point?

You need a lawyer.

I've had lawyers.

As recent as last night, though.

Have dinner with me.

Why? Lunch?

Yes. Brunch?

Brunch. We are done talking.

You like moody?

Yeah, what do you mean? Like something with Vin Diesel in it?

I never ask anybody anywhere, but I'm asking you.

It starts at half an hour.

I've got meetings.

You always will.

For you and me tonight you print I

Love

beyond

breath beyond reason beyond love zone power of love Your name is like a golden

bell hung in my heart. And when I think of you, I tremble. And the bell swings

and rings.

Rakan!

Rakan!

Rakan!

Oh, it's blinding music.

Yes, you may take my happiness to make me happy, but you have no idea what it

is.

Only let me hear a trumpet all alone.

How many times every day?

Excuse me?

You'll have to leave. Leave business?

Shut the fucker off!

Get off, man! Go!

You got a great head.

You got a great... No one ever said that before.

Sweet and strong.

Sweet and strong.

handle that a little better.

That usher.

I'm serious.

Maybe I should have filed him off.

Calm down.

That was your problem.

Hey.

Hey, get back here.

Hey.

Leave me alone. I've got to pee.

You pissed me off.

What was that?

You don't know me.

Let me do my...

Get out of my way.

No.

You got me now?

I said get out of my way.

Out of control. What are you going to do? You going to get a pistol with me

What? You want to hang up? Do it.