Original subtitles

Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember, today we are going to continue our biology lesson…

by dissecting an organism.

Now, what we are going to dissect today is the West Indian manatee.

Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the gentle clowns of the sea.

Aha, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees endangered?

They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn what's inside them.

Now, we don't have quite enough manatees to go around,

so I think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four.

Hey! Ours is still alive!

Oh, hold on.

Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen.

I can't do it, dude.

Aw, don't be such a baby! You do it, Kenny.

Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks to do it!

(FIVE BUCKS???)

Too bad Cartman's missing this. He must be really sick.

Say Terrance, this body appears to have been moved since the murder.

Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.

I don't see anything.

Look closer. Closer. Hunh-nh.

I still don't see anything, Phillip.

Waitwait.

I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You wanna know what's gonna happen?

Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic evidence is right around here. Ah! Af!

That totally surprised me!

I can't believe how the show manages to stay fresh.

Eh yes, sweetie.

Mom.can you go make me a toaster pastry chocolate-mix butter bar?

Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself?

Mommy's expecting some company.

God, I have to everythng around here!

I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the-

What the hell's going on?

Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a "talk" with you.

Eric, your friends and your family are all… concerned about your weight. M'kay?

What?!

We believe that you might have a problem.

You're God-damn right I have a problem!

Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't have anywhere to sit!

Now what the hell is this?!

It's called intervention, Eric.

Your friends and I have all chipped in

and we're going to send you up to a weight-management retreat.

Fat camp?

Yes, fat camp.

Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this,

but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!

Now, Eric, all these people came here

and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.

Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.

Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned!

Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your famiy was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!

Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.

And now we will be removing the spleen.

Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for a qu-

Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick word with you?

Alright, continue with the removal of the spleen, childen. I'll be right back.

Aw, dude, check this out.

That's so gross.

Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat this?

(I'm not eatin' that!)

I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.

I'll throw in five.

And so apparently there's been a little mixup.

The manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium

and the frogs were meant to come here.

Oh dear.

I'll throw in a dollar!

I've got three.

Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat it very fast!

forty-one bucks.

Eww-ho-hoo! He did it!

Alright, children, now, let's get back in our seats.

Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together.

…And it has basketball courts and tennis courts,

and you can call Mommy any time you want.

Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad.

I'm sure you're going to have a good time.

And when you come back you'll be all healthy and thin.

Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors here.

This must be Eric Cartman.

Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.

Oh, we'll change that. Hello, camper. My name is Rick. How are you doing?

Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are you?

I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll get yo oriented.

I'll take care of him from here, ma'am.

Oh. Well, goodbye, sweetie.

Don't touch me!

Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!

Have you got any candy?

No.

My mon says I ain't to eat no candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.

Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business!

Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn that losing weight is fun, right gang?

Right.

Wait a second. Do you kids hear something? I could've swore that-

Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!

I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow!

Oh! What are we going to do?

Wait! I know! I could knock it out! With… Exercise!

And… Proper Diet.

Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me.

I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we kids?

Yeah!

Well, hold on a second.

Because that glutinous fat was really our good friend, Susan,

who's another weight counselor!

Heh! It was a lady in a costume!

Would somebody put this retard out of his misery?!

What's the matter?

Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee spleen made him sick.

Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it.

Well, at least you got it out of your system.

Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen! How much, Kenny?

(WHAT?!)

I'll give you five bucks.to eat your puke.

Huh-I'm in for five!

Oh, you guys!

I've got three.

Six!

Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my R. Kelly thermos.

That's 19 bucks, Kenny!

Kick ass, dude!

You know, dude, there might be something to this.

Yeah. People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny do this stuff.

Doing great kids! Come on!

This… is… bullcrap!

Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar! How about you, gang?

I'm starving. This is it. I'm going to die here.

I hope you all left room for dessert. Soybean pudding for everybody!

Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?

Take it! I can't eat this crap!

Me neither. I have to have sugar or I'm going to die.

Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up oour ass.

I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?

Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!

Alright, Clyde Frog.

We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free.

We did it, Clyde Frog!

Now the only question is, do we go home to our traitor moms and friends,

or do we start a new life on the run?

An ice cream truck! Hey wait!

Boy, am I glad to see you!

Can I interest you in some ice cream?

You're damn right you can! Two Roller Pops, please!

Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind?

They tricked us again, huh?

Aw, God-damnit! LET ME OUT OF HMYA!

Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time.

They always get us. Sometimes it's a ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco stand.

But they always fool us..

Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. Any amount of money for some candy.

Hey kids!

Looks like we had some attemptted escapees again tonight.

Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that camp is tough,

but you have to believe that you can do it.

And you have to know that until you drop the weight, you can't leave.

Thre is no escape.

So let's just all put on our try-hard helmets,

and accept that the only way for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE THE WEIGHT

Aw, damnit!

That's what being young is all about.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman?

Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble at his weight-management camp?

We knew he wouldn't make it.

Oh, no. Quite the contrary.

Eric showed up and surprised me last night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you…

the new Eric Cartman.

Hey, dudes!

I don't believe it.

Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp.

Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!

Congratulations. How do you feel?

I feel awesome!

What did they do with all the fat?

There must have been enough to last an Eskimo family months.

You know, Kyle? There was a time when your fat jokes would have gotten to me.

But now I'm totally slim and totally happy!

In fact, I'd say I'm a little bit trimmer than you, fatboy!

Just kidding, Kyle.

I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate. Who wants some?

Memememeee!

Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.

Did you like the old one?

Good point.

And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public Access.

Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity.

Eric, yea. You found that the Spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength.

No. Actually, I found a diet that totally works.

A little boy who overcame the odds.

Let's hear it for Eric Cartman!

Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named Kenny McCormick,

who is going to eat dog crap. Kenny?

God-damnit, all I got was a little golf clap!

Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.

(Sure!)

Do it again!

Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!

This is ridiculous!

So. Kenny, how did you discover that you had this… talent?

We thought of it, Jesus.

I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing.

I can't say I approve of this, my children.

Huh? Why not?

Because Kenny is only doing things that anybody could do.

For money. He's a prostitute.

I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.

-What's a prostitute? -I don't know.

Hello there, children!

Hey, Chef:

Chef, what's a prostitute?

Dag-nabbit children!

How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questons that I shouldn't be answering?

Chef, what's the clitoris?

What's a lesbian, Chef?

How come they call it a rim jub, Chef?

For once, can't just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"

Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?

It sure is! Thank you.

Chef, what's a prostitute?

Uh uh! You children are gonna get me in trouble with the principal again.

Lunchtime! I'm starved!

Oh my God. Eric?

That's me.

Chef was just about to tell us what a protitute is.

Why do you need to know what a prostitue is anyway?!

Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?

(Yeah. Am I?)

Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not a prostitute.

Why?

Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who…

you could pay for certain services.

Like what?

Like keeping you company. Understand?

No.

You see, chidren, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman.

But sometimes, when the lovin' is over,

the woman just wants to talk and talk and talk and talk.

But a prostitute is someonen who would love you

No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true, children.

That's not why you pay a prostitute,

no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards.

That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor.

A prostitute is like any other woman

They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well.

And that's why I say-

Prostitutes! Prostitutes! They-

…James Taylor, what the hell are you doin' in here?!

Singing' about prostitutes to the children!

Get out of here!

…These children tricked me!

Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the goods.

Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy.

Is anyone starting to suspect anything?

Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.

Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!

Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.

What?!

I'm the one risking my ass,

running around in that stupid town pretending to be you and collecting all the food to bring up here!

All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids!

Alright alright! Keep your voice down! I'll bump you up to 10%.

Twenty.

Suck my balls, 20!

Fine! Then I shall bid you good day!

Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20!

But just remember that your parents think that you're in the drug rehab center next door!

You blow your cover and we're both screwed!

You guys! You have to check this tape out!

Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are tomorrow.

No, dude, check this out!

It's a video: this kid, he does all kinds of crazy stuff.

Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction site and stayed there for four days!

Oh, gro-hoss

Sick!

That's awesome! Hey guys! Check this out!

Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny Show!

And now here's your host, the kid who will do anythng to himself for money,

Krrrra--a--a-a-azy Kenny!

Kenny, through the past weeks we've seen you eat mice,

pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers and

…wash your hair with battery acid.

The question in all our minds is, who-haht are you gonna do next?

(Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather a full-body sensual massage.)

Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks!

Kenny is going to give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!

Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!

This is so juvenile.

Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you?

Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's up?

Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of that licorice to take home?

Alright campers, good work today.

Lights out, and we'll see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet.

All beddy-byes for the night, are they?

I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan. These kids aren't losing the weight.

We'll just have to give them more time. They'll do it!

They'll do it!!

Alright, they're gone!

The Cartman store is open!

Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please.

Two donuts and a pack of licorice.

Well, Tony, the usual?

Why are you crying, Chad?

Cause I'm always gonna be fat.

I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself when they're right in front of me like this.

All my life I've been fat.

I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight.

I want to, but I can't help myself.

Hey, Chad, eh… You know what you need? You need a friend.

I'd, I do?

Yes. A chocolate friend.

Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad.

Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are.

Look at how yummy and sweet he is.

…There you go. That'll just be four dollars.

…There you go.

This week on Pay Per View, Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus

and stay there for six hours.

Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Order now!

Alright, so we're back talkin' to three competing celebrities:

Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy Kenny.

Hey, Howard.

Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View special this week,

where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus and stay there for six hous.

Now, some people that all you guys do is perform sick and

disgusting acts for shock value and money, which makes you whores.

But I'd like to prove them wrong.

So what I'm gonna do… is I'm gonna offer each of you

$50,000 to give me oral sex right now.

-I'm in. -Me too.

-(And me!) -Fine! I'll do it for 40!

-20! -(…Ten bucks!)

Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks.

Damnit. I'm out.

Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.

Alright, let's get going, then. Can we cut the cameras?

And we're gonna reach fo the sky…

And down to the ground.

And up to the sky…

And down to the ground.

Please, Mr. Sanders.

No! I have had it!

What's happening?

Horace's parents want to take him home.

Oh! But he's not ready yet.

Look at what you've done to my boy!

You told Horace that he was responsible for his weight!

You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet,

he could be thin! When we told you it was his genetics!

They can lose the weight if they try.

Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner!

Your camp is a fraud!

You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat!

Please, sir, if you give us one more week,…

Your time is up!

Yeah, your time is up!

And I'm going to call all the other parents to tell them to come claim their kids as well!

Your camp is a WASTE …of time!

-But, Dad, I… -What?!

…Nothin'.

We're in trouble, Rick.

Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table enough?

HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?

Six hours.

HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!

Great.

You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!

For what?

For giving Howard Stern a hummer!

Who-what's a hummer??

I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at least three months!

Three months?! But the per-per-view is tomorrow!

I know!

He worked so hard, come so close.

Now we'll never see Kenny crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.

You know, maybe we've all learned something here.

I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time,

havin' to always outdo himself.

Now he's in jail for being a whore.

And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame.

…Alright, that does it! This has been bothering the hell out of me!

I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!

Well, we'vee seen him do just about every disgusting

thing in the book, and today live on pay-per-view,

Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours!

Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?

I feel great! I haven't had this much attention paid to my coot since I was 16!

Hooray!

Well, let's bring out the man of the hour, you know him as the-

Don't wory, dude. You're gonna do great.

No way! I'm not doing this!

Hoh, you're doing it, or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open,

and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!

But this isn't fair!

Deal, druggie!

(But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there)

And here he is, Kenny McCormick!

We can watch him on the video monitors. How are you doin' in there, Kenny?

That's my boy!

Good-bye, Chad.

We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.

Naturally.

Good-bye, Alice.

Good-bye. Thank you.

Oh, don't thnak us. We failed you.

…65, 66, 67…

Wait a second! This isn't right!

It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions!

Mom, Dad, we've been eating candy this whole time!

Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food!

Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!

No, he's right. The counselors've been doing a good job. We've just been cheating.

Yeah.

I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet.

I don't wanna make excuses no more.

Me neither.

Yeah.

If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.

Well, it's alright with me. Parents?

Well, what the heck.

Maybe when you're all donen you can teaach me a thing or two, huh son?

You know? You guys are right.

I'm sick of being the fat kid, too.

I've been making excuses all my life.

But I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried hard,

and we all tried together, well we really can lose the weight!

Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore.

What?!

Bubbye.

Well, screw you, fatasses!

Four, three, two, one!

He did it! Come on out, Kenny!

You made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there.

Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push.

He's dead. The pressure must have killed him.

I told you I was a tight virgin flower.

Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! …Sort of.

Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny-'s look-alike. You bastards!

Well, he gave his life for our amusement.

One little boy who dared to be different.

Let us never forget… Kenny McCormick.

Who was that?