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You're right, Mary.

He was a good father and a generous friend, but a terrible businessman.

Yes, sir. Just no business sense at all.

But what about all the property Dad owned?

Mortgaged to the hilt, all of it. Here. You can see the figures for yourself.

I've been working on 'em ever since John died.

Yes, sir. I've been executor of many an estate and...

Surely there's something left of the estate. - Nothing that ain't swallowed up by debts.

Now, about that money you loaned the estate.

To help with the immediate expenses, honey. The funeral. I didn't want you bothered.

- Eleven hundred and forty-three dollars. - Eleven hundred?

- That's all you had to finish college! - Don't get excited, honey.

- But you won't get your engineer's degree. - Well...

Well, a married man has no business going to college anyway.

- You had no right to take it. - It's been worryin' me, too.

Yes, sir. Started me schemin' away to help you.

There's one item I ain't mentioned because... well, it's more of a liability than an asset.

Your father's ferryboat. - And the franchise to operate the ferry line.

Don't mean nothin'. The old Fairy Queen's been laid up for weeks.

But, seein' as you both need cash, well...

It ain't business, but I'll give you $400 for it.

Thanks, Mr Pratt,

but I'm sure Mary doesn't want to sell.

- Why not, Tom? - No, honey.

We are being foolish, young man.

Quiet, Donald.

You're gonna need money for food and rent.

Rent?

Well, we still have the old home here.

Well... I was comin' to that.

You see, there was a mortgage.

A mortgage?

Do you mean we've lost it? The home my great-granddaddy built?

Well, knowing you wouldn't want a stranger to get it, I bought it myself.

House and furniture.

Cost me more than it's worth, but... well, your father was my friend.

But I was born here. I've never lived anywhere else.

- You're not asking Mary to move out? - No hurry. Take your time.

I won't be moving in till next Thursday.

Well, I've done the best I could with an ornery job and I'm glad it's over.

Yes, sir.

And to show you how bad I feel about it, I'll give you $500 for the old ferry line.

- No, thank you. - You're a young fool.

Take it easy.

Mary, think it over. It's your boat, you know.

Good day.

Why didn't you let him buy the boat?

Because Phineas Pratt is a crook. And I have an idea.

I'm an engineer - well, almost. I'll put that old crate back in service and make a fortune.

- Do you really think so? - Well, anyway, a living.

Tom...

Aunt Tillie and Uncle Gus.

Oh. You mean the missionaries?

- Yes. How terrible. - What's terrible about missionaries?

They were notified to come for their share of the estate.

- That's too bad. Can't we stop them? - It's too late now.

What a shame, dragging Aunt Tillie from her missionary work in China.

How about your Uncle Gus coming all the way from Alaska? That's no streetcar ride.

Imagine the old dears travelling thousands of miles for nothing.

- King! He's waked up! - The little darling.

"The little darling"!

Hey!

Gentlemen of the jury,

gaze on the defendant!

Have you ever seen a countenance

so honest, so open, so innocent...

as the face of this persecuted defendant,

Augustus Q Winterbottom?

He'd steal anything that wouldn't bite him.

Judge, is there any sense in going on with this here trial?

This is a court of justice, and according to law,

we oughta try him a while before we hang him.

The defendant will take the stand.

I suppose you're acquainted with the penalty for perjury?

I object!

Objection overruled. Sit down.

Gus, you are hereby charged with pumping a load of lead

into the anatomy of one High Card Harrington.

- Six shots! - Six hits.

Six cigars.

Ah!

You should've worn your galoshes.

Have you anything more to say before I find you guilty?

So you're gonna deal from a cold deck, eh?

Boys, this mummy sitting here inveigled me into a game of chance entitled draw poker.

I figured from the start I'd have to shoot him.It was all I could do to take his money.

- I know just how you felt. - What a country!

How about old Red?!

You fellas gotta quit skylarkin' or go outside.

That's telling 'em, Elmer.

Your Honour.

Old naked-skull boy.

Now listen, you... gentlemen of the jury.

In this here game with High Card, gents, I deals myself four aces - all regular.

What is my astonishment when High Card there lays down five aces against my four?

I'm a broad-minded man, gents.

I don't object to nine aces in one deck.

But when a man lays down five aces in one hand...

And besides, I know what I dealt him.

Gus, it is the judgment of this court that your cards has too many aces in the deck.

So this court rules that the citizens ain't to start shootin' at you

for one hour and a half, Specific Standard Time.

Get goin'!

Handsome, why ain't you ever thought of marrying and settling down?

I was married once - to a saintly woman if ever there was one.

She threw a.44 slug into my right shoulder.

She was a woman of impulse.

She's a missionary now, in China,

doing noble work among the lowly heathens.

Well, I'll be dad-blamed!

"Mr Augustus Q Winterbottom."

"Dear Sir: The last will and testament of the late John Blake

includes you among the bean-fisheries."

"Your presence in Danville will facilitate the distribution of said large estate."

"Yours truly, Phineas Pratt, Executor."

Well, I'll be dad-blamed!

And now the poor fella's in a moratorium.

There comes a tide in the affairs of men, my dear Blubber,

when we must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

- How's Tillie doing with the dice? - She's been losing since midnight.

Here. For the Professor.

Here you are, Professor.

Oh, thanks.

I heard Tillie's in bad shape. - Looks like the old girl's pretty near through.

Too bad.

I've never worked for any woman that looked out for the Professor the way Tillie does.

Seven.

Ten straight passes.

- This time, Tillie, I shoot 10,000. - Well, Swede, just to be sociable...

I shall trade you.

- What is that? - That?

My dear Swede, that is a judgment against my ex-husband, Gus Winterbottom,

for $10,000 alimony.

- This is for you, madam. - Oh?

Well, it can't be any worse than the bad news I've been reading -

on the dice.

Well, Tillie, looks like you hauled off and got lucky again.

Yes... My poor brother.

- Who's this fella, Phineas Pratt? - A crook.

An old friend of the family. I've known him since we were children.

We went to school togeth...

I trust you've finished!

Boys, I've got to take the first steamer back to the States.

Swede, what will you shoot against the joint - lease, lock, layouts and liquor?

20,000.

Good. It's about time the big Swede crapped.

No complaints, Swede, of course, but who made your dice for you?

A fellow in Alaska called, uh...

Gus Winterbottom.

At the first opportunity I must shoot that ex-husband of mine - personally.

Goodbye, boys!

~ Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the sheaves ~

A hundred and twenty, a hundred and twenty-five, a hundred and thirty.

Packrat berth to Danville.

Lower 8, car 75.

- $140, please. - 140? I thought you said 135.

One hundred and forty.

No matter, no matter.

What man has done, man can do.

Pardon me.

Mrs... Matilda... Winterbottom.

- You say you're a Chinese missionary? - I said I was a missionary in China.

That, I understand, entitles me to a reduction in railroad fare.

Of course.

- How did you conduct your work? - Through kindness.

My object was to bring them in, out of the darkness,

to put more spirits into them, as it were,

and to relieve them of their material burdens.

How interesting! Sign here, please.

While you were over there, did you have any Chinese children?

Why... I mean Chinese children in the mission.

- Oh. - Well...

Just present this to the ticket agent. It entitles you to a 10% reduction.

I thank you.

~ Bringing in the sheaves... ~

~ Bringing in the sheaves ~

Berth 8, car 75.

Not so fast, you weed bender. I reserved berth 8.

The passing years have slowed you on the draw, my little chickadee.

Which way are you heading, my little dove?

Canada, possibly. What section of the country do you intend to ravish?

A sentimental journey, to...

Please be careful, sir.

Well! I am sorry.

It's quite all right, it's quite all right. It's a pardonable sin.

Your ticket to Danville, Doctor.

- Danville? - That's your train also, madam. Track 6.

Sun Kissed Express: Salt Lake, Denver and points East.

We're not interested in which way it points.

My brother was a very wealthy man,

and there is but one heir beside us - my niece, a girl of 20.

Wouldn't it be advisable for us to get ourselves appointed her guardians?

That is my intention.

Ahem!

Pardon me, folks. We're having a game of poker. Would you care to play?

Poker?

Is that the game where one receives 5 cards and if two are alike, that's pretty good,

but if three are alike, that's much better?

- Oh, you'll learn the game in no time. - Yes. He picks things up very quickly.

We're in the rear end of the next car.

Crooked as a dog's hind leg. He's a wool in sheep's clothing.

Will you take them, or shall I?

I will. You were always better at the galloping dominoes. Come on.

- Shall I distribute the cards? - The procedure is to cut for the deal.

It goes to the one drawing the highest card. - And the ace is high.

You must forgive the ignorance of a novice.

Queen.

Ten.

King.

Ace.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Doctor. I'm afraid I didn't see that ace.

Nor I.

- You saw it, didn't you? - Why, uh... no.

Goodness gracious. Have I transgressed again?

There it is.

By the way, what was that exciting game we played on the ship coming over?

Cassino.

Don't you just love cassino, Mr White?

I prefer pinochle.

Pinochle? That's the top of something, isn't it?

The pinochle of a hill, for instance.

That's enough. Five cards is all that's legal.

Thanks. I must remember that.

Fresh money.

I'm shy for the minute.

By the way, I saw those two sailors off the ship today.

Yeah?

- See anybody else? - Not a soul.

I'll trade three, Doctor.

Five.

I'll have to play these, I guess.

Ah...

My, my.

Godfrey Daniel, Charlie Bogle and Doctor Bebe.

Goodness gracious.

Shucks.

- What happened to the two sailors? - Three more sailors joined them.

- Three more sailors? - I mean two.

Oh. I thought so.

I'll bet $25.

I call it.

I call.

I'm shy. I raise 75.

I call. I'm light, Doctor.

I'll see it. I'm light.

I'll call too.

Four jacks.

Four queens.

I'm sorry, Doctor. It'll take four aces to beat me.

What a coincidence. What a coincidence. Here they are.

May I remind you, ecclesiastically,

that the pot was shy 225 herring.

You may keep it as a souvenir of a pleasant 20 minutes.

~ Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the sheaves ~

You are entitled to 50%, my little Annie Oakley.

I shall credit your share to the alimony account.

It was very sad, Tillie, but your brother died a bankrupt.

Yes, sir. There just ain't no estate.

Instead of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,

we found an ash can.

- Tell me, ash can... - Pratt! Phineas Pratt.

As children we used to call him by another name.

And a very appropriate one, I'm sure.

What of the old home here? All these priceless heirlooms ought to fetch a tidy sum.

No. It's all been sold. For the mortgage.

- Who bought it. - Uh...

- I did. - My sweet, loan me this handbag a moment.

- What of this ferryboat you speak of? - 'Tain't worth nothin'.

But just to help Mary out, I offered her 500 for it. But she refused.

Refused 500? The poor girl must have been out of her mind with grief.

I wish you would talk to Mary about it, for her own good.

We'll see what we can do.

- Is this boat still above water? - She still floats, but she can't run.

Ah. Just so.

Careful! This is worth $3,000!

$3,000?

For an overgrown shaving mug? And only $500 for a ferryboat?

Well, I... I might pay Mary a little more.

Yes, sir. Just for... friendship.

Uh, how friendly? Say $1,000?

- That's the limit. - At $1,000, friendship ceases, eh?

You must be lonesome here with so many empty guest rooms.

I'm never lonesome.

By the way, if you're thinking of staying for a few days,

the Commercial House is still the best hotel in town.

Pardon, sir. Luncheon is served.

You must excuse me now.

I'll bet you haven't called him that since you were a child.

I have it.

- That was a close shave. - Gus, here's your cane.

Come, my dear. Mind your foot.

- Well, the Fairy Queen! - Looks more like an old Eskimo kayak.

Obviously the thing to do is to persuade my niece to take $500 for it.

You've been reading my mind.

Then we shall sell it to Phineas for $1,000,

thus dividing $500 between us.

Not a bad day's work.

Providing you don't do the dividing.

What ho! The old ark is inhabited.

See here, young man - that is, if I'm not mistaken.

What is your name and where do you hail from?

- Stupid! He can't understand you. - A foreigner, eh?

Ah! A goose!

A goose if ever I saw one.

- Do you like children? - I do if they're properly cooked.

Excuse me.

King, what are you doing here? - I think he was going for a swim with a goose.

Isn't that just like a man? His father was supposed to watch him.

Who might his father be - Old Man River?

Well, you see, we... we live here.

- You live here? - Yes. I... I own the boat.

Child! Doesn't your heart tell you? I'm your Aunt Tillie!

And I am your Uncle Gussie.

Uncle Gus and Aunt Tillie? Oh, I'm so happy!

- When did you arrive? - This morning.

We've been expecting you. Tom! Oh, Tom!

My husband.

- You two are angels straight from heaven. - Uh... We detoured slightly on the way.

You're going to stay with us a long time, I hope.

We can't offer you many luxuries, but... we'll try to make you comfortable.

Come up to the living room while I fix some lunch.

I'll get Tom. He's probably in the engine room.

It won't take a minute.

- Sentimental little idiot, isn't she? - Yeah. Mm-hm.

It shouldn't be any trouble to persuade her to sell the boat for $500.

She's a chump if ever I saw one.

Come. Let's repair to the festive bar.

Ow!

Careless things, horses.

Washington threw a dollar across the Potomac.

- I shall heave this horse anchor... - Augustus!

Don't annoy me.

- The other end is attached to the baby! - Trying to hold back on me, eh?

Fodder fit for a king.

I suppose in your missionary work it's customary to say grace.

Why, Tom, of course it is.

- Won't you say grace, Aunt Tillie? - Thank you, my dear. How thoughtful of you.

However, I feel inadequate in the presence of your Uncle Augustus.

I shan't forget those words, my sweet.

On the other hand, I am a guest beneath this roof.

The honour goes to the master of the house.

Well... I guess anybody can pray when they're happy.

We thank thee for this meal and all thy favours.

We thank thee also for the safe arrival of Aunt Tillie and Uncle Gus.

May you guard them and protect them from harm. Amen.

Would it be asking you too much to go away somewhere and lay an egg?

Where's Uncle Gus?

Oh, he decided to paint the boat.

Aunt Tillie insisted again on giving the baby his bath. The King loves it.

Why not?

You know, I always figured missionaries would be depressing to have around the house.

But Aunt Tillie and Uncle Gus are OK.

It's been grand for us, having honest people to advise us.

I'll tell you something else grand. I'll have this old engine running today.

- You mean it? - Cross my heart.

~ Throw out the lifeline Throw out the lifeline ~

~ Someone is drifting away... ~

Give us that other hand. Come on.

~ Throw out the lifeline Throw out the lifeline ~

~ Someone is sinking today ~

Now, come on.

~ Someone is sinking today ~

King!

Oh, naughty!

Well, I'm on time today.

There should be a room in every house where the entire family can relax.

The bathroom, with its gleaming tile...

And now, let me say a word about My Lady's lingerie.

It should be changed every 1,000 miles.

- Hello, folks. Handy Andy speaking. - Ah.

Today I shall continue my subject: Mixing paint for the home.

You should have everything I mentioned yesterday.

- Got 'em! - Are you ready?

- Ready! Shoot! - Good.

First, take the turpentine can,

the large one.

Open a vent with an axe.

Or a hatchet will do quite nicely.

Make up your mind!

This is the way we used to open 'em in the army.

Guess I was thinking of the navy.

Now take the can and pour the contents in a tub.

Now the lampblack.

Grab the pound package, the drier and a pint can of shellac.

Drier... and pint can of shellac.

Pour in the lampblack.

Pour in the lampblack.

Now the drier.

The drier.

- Throw in the can of shellac. - Throw in the can of shellac.

Pay strict attention. Now stir rapidly with a paddle.

From now on we'll have to work faster to keep the mixture from coagulating.

Pour in the linseed oil.

Linseed oil.

- Two cups of benzene. - Two cups of benzene.

Three scoops of white lead.

The blue tint.

The small can of turpentine.

The naphtha oil - one ounce.

The large bag of lampblack.

Large bag of lampblack...

- One capsule of Prussian blue. - One capsule of Prussian blue.

One scoop of the red tint.

Not so fast, not so fast!

Stir slowly.

Two scoops of white tint.

Stir quickly.

Three scoops of plate shellac.

Stir slightly.

Three dashes of alcohol.

A pint of clarifier.

One pint of drier.

- Two cups of raw linseed oil. - You said that before!

- Five pounds of grey. - Five pounds of grey...

Seven scoops of white lead.

One package of yellow.

One quart of thinner.

Stir thoroughly.

Now pay strict attention.

Up on your tiptoes.

Take a deep breath.

Exhale.

Arms over the head.

Raise the right knee.

Now the left.

The right. The left. The right.

Left. Right. Left. Right.

Left right left right left right left right left right left right... Rest.

Whew!

There must be an easier way to mix paint.

This is the boat, Commissioner.

It should've been condemned years ago.

Anybody aboard?!

- Hello, Mr Pratt. - Mrs Sheridan.

This is Commissioner McLennan of the State Inspection Board.

How do you do.

- Won't you come in? - No, thank you.

I'm afraid I bring you rather unpleasant news.

Oh. Commissioner McLennan, this is my aunt, Mrs Winterbottom.

- And my husband. - How do you do.

To what do we owe the honour of this visit?

I have a paper for your signature, Mrs Sheridan.

What is it?

Cancellation of your ferry franchise, to become effective July 5th.

Our franchise cancelled?

- Tom! - Steady, honey.

Now if you'll just sign this, Mrs Sheridan. - Here's a pen.

Whoa! Not so fast.

Commissioner McLennan, this is my uncle, Mr Winterbottom.

- Did you write this? - It's a legal form of cancellation.

No niece of mine shall ever sign it.

By heck.

- But the old hulk ain't seaworthy! - That's a downright fib.

I'm not so sure.

- This boat was launched in 1881. - So was my wife, but she's still seaworthy.

She's probably got barnacles all over her.

The boat, I mean.

She's as solid as a brick telephone booth.

- Well, I'll look it over. - Follow me.

I suppose if we dug deep enough we'd find you at the bottom of all this.

The whole ship was put together like the Rock of Gibraltar.

My wife keeps this handy to darn my socks.

This has no business here. It belongs on the front of my cap.

It needs painting pretty badly. - Uh... Let me call your attention to these rails.

Non-breakable and indestructible.

Detachable so we can handle the crowds.

Lord have mercy.

- Here comes your new boat, Phineas. - I might have guessed it.

So you're giving our franchise to him? - That's it. With this boat out of commission...

- By the 4th of July it'll be ready. - Practically as good as new.

- Let 'em prove it. - What's your crooked proposition, ash can?

- A race between this boat and the new one. - A race?

Yes, sir. From here to Old Town.

And the first boat to reach the dock gets the franchise.

Would the 4th of July suit you as a day for the race?

It was good enough for Washington, it's good enough for me.

- Very well. Good day. - Good day.

- Good day! - Toodle-oodle.

What are you kids laughing at?

I recall a dogsled race in Canada some years ago.

The slowest team won by 40 minutes.

By some queer mischance, the runners of the fast sleigh got frozen in the ice.

Cheer up, my child. I'm sure that love - or your Uncle Augustus - will find a way.

I'll bend every effort to win this race, and I come from a long line of effort benders.

Gus? Be sure you're under the right boat. Don't damage the Fairy Queen.

Augustus?

Augustus!

I'm tired of pumping air. Have you tied her to the dock yet?

Not only that, I've disconnected, disjointed and otherwise disturbed her.

Good.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- Do you know who I am? - No.

Isn't there anyone around here who can tell you?

I'm the captain of the Keystone.

Then what are you worrying about?

Hey!

Hey!

- Mice. - Air! More air!

What did you say?

- I didn't say anything. - Well, somebody said something.

Air! Give me ozone!

- An echo. - An echo of what?

- Of what you said. - I said good evening.

- Good night. - No, good evening.

I'm saying good night.

Many strange things come out at night.

Is there a doctor in the house?

That franchise is as good as in your pocket. - I know that.

Hey, you! All of you! Keep off this boat.

We ain't gonna carry no dead weight in this race.

Take the Fairy Queen.

Will you make a statement about the race? And make it brief.

We can't lose.

Uncle Gus! The race starts in three minutes!

Do me a favour, King, and don't require any service till this race is over.

Hold on, folks, hold on!

I'm sorry, but you can't ride with us this trip.

Please! He means we can't win this race if we carry you all,

and the race means our franchise.

I'm now ready to start this race!

It will finish at the Old Town dock!

The first boat to touch the slip wins!

Thanks so much. I knew you'd understand.

Augustus, hurry up. Get up there. Take the wheel.

Take the baby. Change attire.

Get the plate off that door for the front of my cap.

Stand by below.

I suppose you couldn't win without that sign on your cap.

I could, but it wouldn't be official.

Are you ready, Keystone?

Keystone ready.

Ready, Fairy Queen?

You may fire when ready, Gridley.

Mercy.

We're off. Come in.

- What's the matter with the Keystone? - They'll find out.

Captain, we're tied to the dock with a rope. - A rope?!

- Cut it away! - Two men are cutting it away now, sir.

The rope is cut away, sir.

We're all right now.

We're turning in a circle.

Well, do something!

- But the wheel is gone! - The other wheelhouse!

Yeah, that's right.

If my reckoning is right, the Keystone ought to turn over any minute now.

Hey! Hey!

Hello! Hello, below!

Stop it! Stop it!

- Stop what? Stop the boat? - No, the whistle!

Get him out of here before we lose this race.

I'll take the wheel.

There she glides, King, wallowing in our wake.

King, what is your honest opinion of Phineas Pratt?

Hey, Gus! Wood! More wood!

Gus! Gus! I'm running out of firewood! Get some more, quick!

Coming, Tommy.

Duty calls, King. All hands below.

Well, we're gaining on 'em.

Aw...

Look out below!

And there's plenty more where that came from!

That's gratitude for you - leaving their own fireside.

- Hey, Gus! Wood! More wood! - OK!

Ah! A cherry tree.

The breaks are against me.

Well, we caught up to her.

Ma...

Mama... Mama?

Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo.

Mary! The King! He's overboard!

No, no, no! You go to the wheel.

Go to the wheel, my dear. I'll have Gus lower the lifeboat.

Don't you worry.

Gus! Oh, Gus!

The King! He's overboard!

Goodness gracious! The river is rising!

Throw out the lifeline!

Throw out the lifeline!

Gus! Come up! Hurry!

Hurry, Gus.

- Hurry! - Fear not, my little water lily.

They're all overboard. I hope they drown.

Hold everything, King! The navy is coming!

Good heavens! Look!

Come here, Captain Kid. Once aboard the lugger, you'll be OK.

- Is he all right? - He's a little wet, but he's used to that.

Give him to me.

Thank heavens he's safe.

You've saved the King.

Long live the King. But look at the Queen!

Full speed ahead.

Oh! I'm on fire!

Ooh! Ooh! I'm burning!

Pin wheels!

Skyrockets! Gosh!

- What happened? - We've won, darling. We've won!

Gus, we won! We won!

Help! - I've often been told that rats couldn't swim.

Good boy, Tommy! I knew you could win!

- Gee, what a race! - Attagirl, Mary!

Hurrah for the Fairy Queen!

- There they are! - The King!

Ash can, you're a crook. And we have the papers to prove it.

No!

Now, the new ferryboat and the franchise both belong to Mary.

Yes, I took her money.

That's all we want to know.

Toot-toot!

Toot-toot!

Toot-toot!

- The Fairy Queen wins! - Hurray!

Mrs Sheridan, dinner is served.

I claim that ferryboat race was the world's greatest gamble.

No. Don't forget, Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

~ Bringing in the sheaves Bringing in the sheaves ~

~ We will come rejoicing Bringing in the sheaves ~

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