Original subtitles

[Cliff] Previously on Doom Patrol...

We saw the future and it was horrible.

The entire planet is at stake.

-We need to prevent-- -[Cliff] The impending asspocalypse.

[Zombie Butts snarling]

[Kay on tape] What is the purpose of the Underground?

I don't think I need them to have that purpose anymore.

The fuck is my purpose, if it's not to protect you?

[Kay] If anybody can put the pieces together, it's Jane.

[Jane] What the fuck?

[Larry] Where's Keeg, Larry?

What the hell did you do?

[grunts]

We're not in the future anymore.

We have to stick together.

[Dr. Harrison] Vic is unsatisfied by his new role and yearns to do more.

[man grunts in pain]

You stick to the plan or you stay home.

[Dr. Harrison] Diagnosis,

personality dysmorphia and social cowardice.

[Larry] The only person we know who wasn't to blame

for the future is Rouge.

-Me? -[Larry] Having her as team leader

gives us the best chance to change everything.

I have done everything to save you all

and you're handing over the reins to someone

who's already failed at being a hero and a villain.

That was hard to watch.

[theme music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[Dr. Winslow] I'm telling you, Chief Kincaid,

the Port Charlotte Ripper is back.

[Kincaid] That's impossible, Dr. Winslow.

The Port Charlotte Ripper was executed last summer.

-Unless... -You arrested the wrong man.

Damn it!

How dare they?

[Kincaid] How could I have missed this?

They chose a total stranger over me to lead them.

Over me!

Well. Their fucking loss.

Mm.

Let them choke on it.

...and I don't care that you ran off and married that Japanese sex robot.

I've never stopped loving you.

Kincaid, please...

Ugh! You call that a performance? [scoffs]

[inhales]

Your love is about to put himself in grave danger.

We mustn't...

[Rita] There is no life behind those eyes.

[doorbell rings]

Door.

[doorbell rings]

Door!

[Dr. Winslow] There's something you should know.

My name isn't Talia.

-Shit. -[Dr. Winslow] I'm not a doctor.

I'm the Russian Grand Duchess.

[wind blowing]

Hello.

Hello?

I really don't need any shenanigans today.

[reading] "Rita Farr Retrospective. At the Cloverton Art House."

Pour moi?

[chuckling]

At least someone appreciates me!

Find a new purpose.

How?

What does that even mean?

[sighs in exasperation]

[groans in frustration]

[sighs]

[record scratches]

["Por Que Seguir" playing]

[sighs]

[grunts]

Shit!

[sighs in frustration]

[music stops]

[sighs]

[exhales]

Are you fucking kidding me?

I fucking hate puzzles.

[groans in frustration]

[suspenseful music playing]

Shelly?

[whooshing]

[gasps]

[moaning]

[gasping]

[exhales]

Whoa.

[breath trembling]

[groans softly]

[upbeat music playing over speakers]

Whoa! Whoa!

[Deric] What's up, bro!

Wow, Vic.

-So, where's the tech? -I'm back in the flesh.

[chuckles] What's up, C?

-[sighs] -Cyborg was a badass, man.

What gives?

I made a change. Works better for me.

I'm still the same, just without the tech.

I'm more comfortable in this skin.

That's quite a change.

Come on. I'm still the same old Vic you guys know.

Yo, is that synthetic skin?

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, I read about that.

Wait, do you still have your powers?

Uh... [chuckles nervously]

Not really. It's sort of complicated.

Stealth, but keeps 'em guessing.

[chuckles] Hey.

I wish I could move through the world like that, man.

Well, we definitely don't all have that luxury.

[sighs]

-Yo, remember these guys? -[all laughing]

I remember Marcus' high-water pants.

Okay, those pants won us the championship.

-Aye, the Detroiticons. -Couldn't touch us.

-Forever undefeated. -Oh, hey, remember this?

[in sing-song voice] Dun-da-na-na.

-[Marcus] Whoa! -What!

Our pride and joy.

Worked our asses off on this.

Mmm. Mister Indestructible.

Clown, why are you still trying to change his name?

-You were out-voted. -[all] Consensus ruled.

-Man, Mister Invincible. -Everything we wanted to be.

-Bulletproof. -Yes.

You know, I remember how hard it was for me to connect those arms.

I mean, the material to make him bulletproof was so hard to weld.

I designed that head by drawing on sister's big forehead.

[all laughing]

Yo, the robotics club was in awe of Mister Invincible.

Nah, man, they were in awe of us.

Yo, Deric and I stayed up until 3:00 a.m.

inscribing the Detroiticons insignia.

-Yo, it's still there, man. -What?

-Yo. Best thing I ever did. -What?

It's the first time I ever accomplished something.

Gave me this fever to just keep accomplishing shit.

[Calvin] Mm.

I just got to say one time, like,

it feels so good to be with you fellows again.

[chuckles]

[Vic clicks tongue]

Come on.

[all]] Booyah!

[all shouting]

[all laughing]

[electrical buzzing]

[Larry] No more taunting me, Keeg!

In, in fact, you know what?

No more games.

I'm ignoring you. You hear that?

I am.

Oh, God.

[groans]

Oh, I bet you think I'm off my rocker.

Yeah, well...

[Larry sighs]

You know, maybe, maybe you were right.

I should have burned the little brat when I had the chance.

Oh, did I say that?

Ugh, I'm sorry. I didn't... I'm at my wits' end with this kid.

Okay? He's hiding in the walls.

Okay, Larry, if I may...

[clears throat] You might want to consider that Keeg is just gone.

I mean, he did leave you in the future,

So, you know, chances are he's gone for...

For good.

[sighs wearily] Is that the summation of my life?

Am I just meant to be alone?

No. Try and find new meaning.

New purpose. I mean, do you have any powers without Keeg?

Yes.

No.

It's complicated.

Ah, okay. Well, let's look on the bright side.

You can enjoy the peace and quiet.

That's what I'm doing.

You know, I looked at my past,

and I decided to leave it behind. Start afresh.

Quiet the demons of the past, sort of thing.

You should, uh... You should try it.

Oh, okay, I see. Now that you've been voted team leader,

you're going to have emotional wellness check-ins.

Well, I'm not going to feast on regret,

but what I can do now is become a better leader.

-Like, if I may... -You may.

Before you go giving out advice,

maybe you should make amends with the person you hurt the most.

It appears my fans are running late. [chuckles nervously]

-[shrugs] -[orchestral music playing]

Oh, Secret Rendezvous!

-[narrator] Secret Rendezvous. -[sighs]

[narrator] Starring Kyla Wright,

Charles Auego,

and introducing Rita Farr.

It was my big break. [chuckles]

[narrator] In this stately Boston mansion,

the wedding of the year is about to commence.

I smell cotton candy.

[groans softly]

[static buzzes]

[laughter]

Man...

Graham the manager is still giving us the hook up.

Yeah, we're loyal customers.

I mean, the three of us been coming here every week, for years.

[Marcus] Yeah, five for four.

I mean, I could down one pie easily,

tell my mother I had all my vegetables for the week.

[Vic laughs]

Oh, Vic.

My apologies, man.

- I didn't. -Oh, no, it's cool to talk about my mom.

Her funeral was a super tough day.

And thank you guys for being pallbearers.

You knew?

Yeah. I mean, of course. I was still recovering,

but my dad told me...

Too bad you couldn't say goodbye.

-She was the best. -Yeah.

That's fine.

I got to see her in the afterlife.

Afterlife? You mean, like, in your dreams?

No, I mean, like, where you go after you die.

[chuckles]

Look. See, me and the Doom Patrol, we all died.

Well, half died.

Then a couple of ghosts saved us, and we survived.

It's not the easiest thing for me to explain.

He's a superhero, dude.

Like, they crush time and all kinds of boundaries.

No, no, no. Was a superhero.

-[laughs] -[sighs]

Was she happy?

She was living her best life.

Okay, then what's it like up there?

Pretty cool.

You get to focus on all the things that you didn't get to do.

So, Calvin, you'll finally get a chance to open up

that barber shop you keep going on about.

You just got to die first, huh?

[laughter]

Funny. Funny.

[Marcus] Look, you've always had crazy strength, Vic.

But Cyborg, that's next level.

-What do you do with all that power? -Well, we stop bad guys.

There was this one kid, I gave him a second chance.

I gave him the opportunity to make different choices with his life.

Okay.

We stopped the Testicle Monster.

[chuckles] It was crazy. This thing was screwing up shipping lanes.

People couldn't get things like wood that they needed for their homes.

Right! For that new house I'm building on the lake, right?

That new house you'll be building in heaven.

[both laughing]

Vic this, Vic that,

I mean, all we've been talking about is Vic.

But Vic, you haven't even asked about your best friend, Deric.

I mean, he did what we promised to do.

Change the world starting locally, in Detroit.

Yeah, man, that's awesome.

[clears throat] Yo, D, tell me about it.

I started a robotics club in Detroit.

I teach kids how to build robots.

Nah, he's being modest, man.

These kids love it.

The stuff they build is next level.

[Deric] Mm.

I wanna be a part of that.

Bring back the old robotics dream team. [chuckles softly]

How do I volunteer?

These guys volunteer, you know, they help me out.

I can count on them.

So, I'm good.

[microphone feedback rings]

[man] The laser tag championship IS underway.

The reigning champs,

Your Worst Nightmare, defeated the last opponent.

Making them undefeated, and unstoppable.

Any others in here brave enough to take on the champs?

They look how we looked back in the day.

[chuckles]

Yo, let's take our title back.

We haven't played since you left, Vic. We're rusty.

Hey, loosen up your turtleneck, man. Let's have some fun.

Yo, it's laser tag.

Come on, man. We own that game. We got this.

Let's get it!

There it is.

-[inhales] -[romantic music playing]

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Polly, what are you going on about?

- I know you. -Yes. Yes.

I am the evil mother forcing her incorrigible daughter to marry

only the third wealthiest man in America.

Too late now. You're doomed to be rich and famous.

And why are you just sitting there?

Really, dear, the wedding's tomorrow.

There's so much to do.

Good heavens, I'm in Secret Rendezvous.

[mother] And there she goes again.

Come on. No more lollygagging, you.

I've laid out your beautiful dress upstairs.

No. You don't understand.

I'm not supposed to be here.

Your pretty little head is a tad confused.

Darling, I'm not supposed to be here.

It's bad luck to see you before the wedding.

But I couldn't stay away.

Alistair Kincaid. [gasps]

My God, you were good-looking, weren't you?

Ah, but before you say another word--

-Uh-ah. -[gasps]

A jewel for my jewel.

Alistair...

Damn it. Alistair...

Well...

You shouldn't have.

[giggles]

Can you see it, darling?

The biggest wedding of the decade.

Your face on all the front pages of all the broadsheets in all the world.

Everyone knows your name.

Everyone loves you.

And that Princess of Monaco will eat her hat.

Alistair Kincaid, you are a troublemaker.

[sighs] No, I can see it.

Or... I do see it.

I mean, why not?

Why not me?

Do I not deserve to be loved?

That's the spirit, my darling.

[Pretty Polly sighs]

[eerie music playing]

[Jane sighs]

[Cliff] What's up with you?

Are you glowing?

-No. -[Cliff] Something's different.

-New haircut? -What? God!

No, shut up.

Okay, look, I'm going to tell you something,

but you can't make a big deal about it because it's not a big deal.

-[Cliff] I'm listening. -[groans]

Okay. Do you remember when we were in Cloverton

and Flex did that...

thing, and we all felt...

[Cliff] If you're talking about the orgasm thing,

I don't want to talk about it.

Why?

Because, Jane, maybe I don't want to talk about orgasms, or feelings

or touching little butts that go pop in your hand.

Okay. What's up with you?

[Larry groans]

Okay, look, let's just agree

that we're all going through a little something.

Maybe what we need is to sit here in peace and quiet.

[alarm blaring]

Hmm.

Oh, no. Of course, why not? Bring it on.

Team meeting!

Why? We beat the Butts.

[Larry] Yeah, we're good, De Mille.

And whatever you're trying to do, make it a solo mission.

Except this is a new kind of mission

which focuses on team building, togetherness.

-[Larry grunts] -So, the mantra

moving forward will be...

[whooshes]

T-R-U-S-T. Trust.

O, fuck me. I'm back on Underground Avenue.

You might not know this, but we trust each other.

Or did.

-We just don't trust you. -[scoffs]

And besides, we chose you to be a hard ass.

What's with this softer, wimpy shit?

Correct. You chose me, and I have devised a plan.

So here it is, our first trust building exercise

will be to support Rita at her movie retrospective.

[Cliff] What movie retrospective?

"The Cloverton Art House."

Cloverton is a town full of dimwits.

Do they even have an art house? This seems fake.

[Cliff] Nope, nope.

The Clovertonians detest us.

Especially Rita. Doesn't add up.

All the more reason for us to show Rita our support.

And why didn't she tell us?

Maybe because she was hurt when we didn't choose her as team leader.

Trying to heal that, but I...

[sighs] ...need your help.

[groans]

[Cliff grunts]

[Larry] Hey, yeah. Sorry, folks,

I won't be joining you.

I don't have the strength.

I'm still trying to wrangle my wayward Kid.

[Cliff] Seriously, are you gonna stay here

and wait for your fucked up, manipulative kid

who abandoned your self-flagellating ass?

Or are you going to support your best friend, Rita?

-Fuck, yeah! Rita! -[Cliff] Rita!

-[Jane] Rita. -[all chanting] Rita. Rita. Rita.

-Rita. Rita. -[Larry groans]

[dainty music playing]

[sighs]

[Cliff] Where is she?

[Larry shushes, whispers] This is Secret Rendezvous.

[Rita gasps] What's this?

A twist? Just before young Polly's wedding day.

-[gasps] -[Larry] Okay, that's Oliver Truman.

Polly's true secret love.

The dashing Oliver Truman sneaking into my window. But why?

Could it be he's my true secret love?

-Here to rescue me... -[Larry] Thank you.

...from a lifetime of endless wealth and ennui.

Has he come to spirit me away into the night?

Why, um... yes.

-Something like that. -[Rita giggles]

-[Larry] Huh? -Something like what?

What? Oh, uh, yes, yes.

Hey, what gives?

We were having an affair during this movie.

You kissed me with reckless abandon.

Are you saving it for our secret rendezvous at the gazebo,

where you finally steal me away?

Sure, the secret rendezvous in the gazebo.

Try it again. [clears throat]

But this time, convince me.

Oh, for the love of God, just get through the goddamn scene!

Haven't seen my family in years.

My kids are growing up without me.

Why does this movie suck balls?

-[Larry] That's not the dialogue. -That's not the dialogue.

Please, just do what she wants.

I am begging you.

We're all begging you.

[eerie music playing]

-[Rita] Oliver? -[choking]

[Cliff] What the fuck! [Rita] Oliver?

-[pops] -[Rita gasps]

Hold on.

I think Rita might be in this movie.

[Jane and Cliff] No shit!

No, I mean, in the movie.

What the hell is going on here?

[both] No shit.

[Rita sighs]

I smell...

-coconut cream pie. -[whooshes]

[Cliff] Does anyone smell Nutella?

Oh, for fuck sake!

[chirps]

[Rita] Hello?

Hello! Hello!

Oh, this is not a gazebo.

Oh, fuck!

This isn't Secret Rendezvous.

This is The Haunting of White Manor.

[sighs]

I don't know what the hell is going on here,

or who thinks this is funny.

But this movie gave me nightmares, and I am not amused!

[eerie music playing]

[child cackling]

[Rita] Fuck.

[breath trembling]

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[warbling]

[Larry] Oh, my God.

Am I in Rita's movie?

[dramatic music playing]

I know this gazebo.

I'm in Secret Rendezvous.

You know, in happier times, this would've been a fantasy come true.

But now...

Rita?

Rita?

Rita?

Who are you?

I'm Oliver Truman.

Polly's true love, her newspaper man.

-And you're not Polly. -[Larry] And you're not Oliver, pal.

I'm Rita's best friend.

At least I was.

And I'm here to get her out of this.

So let's try this again.

Who the hell are you?

How does it feel to walk around in the world bandaged up like that?

[Larry] How do you think it feels? Exactly how it looks.

[man] Your life must be devoid of sensuality.

[Larry] Yeah, well, everyone's life is devoid of something.

More importantly, if I don't wear these bandages, everyone will die.

How do you have human contact?

[Larry] I don't.

I used to.

-I have memories. -And memories are enough to satisfy you?

[Larry] It's not like I have a choice in this.

Okay?

Well, how do you know that you don't?

I'm the man in many elements.

What if I were to tell you you're right?

I am not a newspaper man.

I'm just an innocent soul trapped in here, too.

[Larry] By who?

A strange creature, really.

She calls herself Dr. Janus.

Our order is to get your friend to emote as much as possible.

But what does that even mean?

She's an actress.

She wakes up emoting. How do I save her?

It's hard to say.

Dr. Janus is sending your friend through her movie retrospective

until she gets what she wants.

She controls everything about this place.

Then again, I know a thing or two about this place as well.

I've been trapped here long enough.

Maybe the two of us can find a way.

The two of us? Me and you?

Sure, lead the way.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fucking hell!

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Fuck.

[sighs] Think, Rouge. Think, think, think...

Where's that fucking flyer?

[reading] "Rita Farr Retrospective.

A star from the golden age of Hollywood."

Hmm. Questionable.

[reading] "Playing at the Cloverton Art House.

Dr. Janus Productions."

Hmm. Dr. Janus.

Dr. Janus?

[sinister music playing]

Dr. Janus.

No, no, no, no...

Well... Hello.

"Name: Dr. Janus.

Category: Emotional vampire." Fuck.

[sighs] "Weakness: Fragile ego, lacks empathy."

Well, that's the same for most of us.

"Weapon: Creates artificial realities, hallucinations."

Oh, shit.

"How to combat..."

"How to combat..."

Are you fucking kidding me? That's it?

[sputters] That's all you've got?

Niles Caulder? You selfish, sex-deprived, son of a prick.

You have left out the most important piece of information.

How am I supposed to defeat her now?

You fucking asshole!

[Cliff] Hello?

Hello.

Where the fuck are we?

What the fuck?

Are we in one of Rita's movies?

[Cliff] I don't fucking know.

Never saw one.

Every time I try to watch one of her movies,

Top Gun comes on. Saturday matinee.

Yeah, same. You can't not watch Top Gun.

[Cliff] Hell yeah, Goose.

Hell yeah, Maverick.

[creaking]

[Cliff] Is this supposed to be a horror movie?

"Cause, not scary.

[sinister music playing]

[Cliff laughs]

Still not scary.

[floorboard creaks]

[both] Fuck!

[Cliff yelps]

-[Cliff whimpering] -[shushes]

-You go out. -Fuck that. You go out.

You're made out of fucking metal.

[Cliff grunts]

-We're badasses. -Yeah.

We fucking destroyed the Testicle Monster.

It's just a fucking kid.

That's not just some kid.

That's a creepy kid.

Is anyone ever not scared of a creepy kid?

True.

[automated voice] Three, two, one.

[electronic music playing]

-[buzzer sounds] -[automated voice] Game on.

[Vic] Deric, where you at?

[laser guns firing]

I'm back. Here we go, here we go.

Marcus, left!

Duck.

-[Vic] Booyah! -He's down, he's down.

Yes.

[both laugh]

[both grunting]

Go. I got your back.

Yeah, that's what you always said, but you left.

Wait, what?

I didn't leave, I was grieving.

Yeah, we were grieving too.

But you weren't with us.

The more we reached out, the more you backed away.

[scoffs] Why do you think I'm back here now in my skin again?

That's a good question.

You tell me.

Why are you back?

Yo, I had to mourn my mom and figure out who I was.

And now I'm reconnecting with who I was before the accident.

Connecting with the people that were most important to me.

We tried to be there for you back then.

We couldn't find you.

So you just stopped trying?

Were we supposed to just chase you down?

We don't have superpowers, Vic.

I was your best friend. You didn't even try to find me.

No. Let me remind you that I found you guys now,

and I'm trying to make up for the time we lost.

Except you can't.

Too much time has already passed.

We're not the same people we once were.

We have been shaped by life in Detroit.

There's been a lot of beauty,

but also a lot of shit that we had to face.

Made us the men that we are today.

-You missed all of that. -Yo, I didn't ask to be Cyborg.

But I did ask to be put back in the body that's closest to the body--

Vic, are you hearing me?

You were Mr. Invincible for all the years that we were vulnerable.

Even now, your skin is impenetrable.

Mine is not.

I lost my best friend.

What you don't understand is that we live different lives.

I lost my best friend, too.

But I'm here now.

Why can't that be enough?

[laser gun firing]

[child laughing]

[buzzer sounds]

[automated voice] Game over.

[children cheering]

[Cliff sighs] I'm sorry for blowing you off earlier.

We can totally talk about orgasms if you want to.

You remember the fog, right? Shelly?

Sisterhood of Dada.

Yeah, I hate those fucks.

Very nice.

Yeah, well... I saw her eye... in a puzzle piece.

Then this mist came out of the puzzle.

-[Cliff] For real? -I don't know. Felt real.

Felt really real.

Oh, shit. The mist seduced you??

-Is that weird? -Why?

-Because you blew a boner? -[groans]

You set one free?

No, I tell ya, of all the feelings in the world,

I miss that the most.

Nothing in life compares.

If there's a Hall of Fame for feelings,

that's numero uno.

Top of the charts. Undefeated. The be-all and end-all of feelings.

Cleanup, Phyllis, because the fat lady has sung.

Okay. A, you're disgusting.

And B, it was...

tender... gentle.

In my entire life, no one or nothing has ever touched me like that.

So what's the problem? It sounds like you liked it.

[Jane] It's not about whether I liked it.

I have to think about what's best for Kay.

Fuck it. Forget about Kay.

How do you feel?

I can't forget about Kay. That's the point.

Whoa!

[Larry] Oh, hey, guys.

Meet my new friend, not Oliver.

He can take us to Rita.

[eerie music playing]

Fuck!

-Fuck, fuck, fuck. -[door creaks]

Fuck.

-Did I frighten you, Mary Ann? -[sighs in exasperation]

It's time for you to read me a bedtime story.

Look, you...

I know this is all bullshit.

I know you played the creepy kid.

But I also know your real name is Orville.

And you were still pooping your pants during the making of this movie,

which, trust me, creeped everybody out.

Somehow, I got trapped in my movies

which made me feel good for a while, but it doesn't anymore, and I want out.

Just do what she says or you're gonna make things worse.

Who is she? Because trust me, kid, things can't get much worse.

Not for you, for your friends.

Wait.

What are you talking about?

[smoke hissing]

[thuds]

Oh, well, damn it.

There is no way to save them.

I've... sent them to their deaths.

And the mission was trust. [scoffs]

I can't even trust myself.

I mean,

why did anyone think that I was worthy

of being a leader?

Navel-gazing bastards.

Were any of you paying attention?

Have you not seen my track record, people? Fucking hell.

All right, let's count them off.

All right?

One... half-ass victory against the Butts.

Two, Cliff feeling the pain of violence.

Number three, fucked over Rita.

Number four,

I had Malcolm killed, which again fucked over Rita.

Right? Mm.

Number five...

I stamped innocent people...

as weapons.

Why?

And now, I want to be good.

Well, maybe I'm not good.

Maybe I'm just bad because everything I ever touch turns to shite.

Okay. So, when the Doom Patrol return.

If... If the Doom Patrol returns from wherever

this fucking hell is that I have sent them to,

I'm going to correct everything.

Okay? Do you hear me?

I'm going to correct everything.

And I will give Rita who was a dear, dear friend--

Do you know what I mean?

[shouts gibberish] ...or whatever, toast to Rita.

I'm going to give her the position that she deserves.

Team leader, right? [sniffles]

She deserves to lead that bunch of misfit vagabonds, not me.

Definitely not fucking me.

Not me.

Well, I am going to need a bigger bottle.

[electricity crackling]

That's the plan.

[warbling]

[smoke hissing]

Whoa.

[mysterious music playing]

[Larry] Rita!

[dramatic music playing]

My friends.

You're here to save me.

[Cliff] Were you in Star Trek?

You never told us you were in Star Trek.

[Larry] We're in Spartacus 452.

Rita's first sci-fi movie that,

incidentally, was also her first box office failure.

But that's neither here, nor there.

Thank you, Larry. [clears throat]

Now, listen to me.

I appreciate you all coming, but you are in danger.

This is a trap.

-We know. -You do?

[Larry] We have to save you from Dr. Janus.

She's an evil being that has everyone trapped in your movie retrospective.

Even my new friend.

-I'm sorry. I never got your real name. -[man] Oh!

Call me Mr. 104.

The periodic table?

Seriously?

[Larry] The point is, I think this Dr. Janus

wants to collect your emotional juice in that necklace or something like that.

[laughs] Oh.

Well, she's not going to get it in this movie.

I took this role for the money.

And perhaps we need to up the stakes then.

[all screaming]

-[Larry] What the hell? -[Cliff] What the fuck?

What did you just do?

Me? Nothing.

I'm a man of many elements, but this was all her.

Allow me to introduce you to Dr. Janus.

[Jane screams]

[Cliff] Fuck!

But that was all me.

What are you doing? They'll burn alive out there.

Oh, I know. Isn't it a pity?

[Cliff] That's your friend?

Maybe you should be by yourself.

Your choices are fucked.

Shut up, Cliff.

We can get ourselves out of this.

[Cliff] So call Flit or Hammerhead or some fucking body.

Right.

[both] Um...

What the fuck?

-I can't. -[Larry] Ugh.

[grunts] Nothing's happening.

Break open the bars.

[Cliff] Let's do this.

[grunting]

What the fuck?

Fuck, we're powerless.

Now you're getting it.

Why are you doing this?

What did I ever do to you?

You have something that was never yours in the first place.

Something that was stolen from someone very special.

And we intend to get it back.

What do I have?

My emotions?

Is that what you want?

[fire roaring]

So what?

I impassively watch my friends burn to death

or I attempt the impossible?

I try to save them and you get what you want?

Fuck you! Fuck that.

Okay.

[breath trembling]

All of my life, I have felt like a fraud.

All of my life, I have been the imposter masquerading as Rita Farr.

But, one day, you crazy bunch of misfits

who are just like me, came into my life.

I say fuck Niles Caulder for most things but... not this.

He gave me you.

My family.

I know you don't think we deserve anything good.

But one thing I know we do deserve is the love that we have for each other.

Well, had, before the Butts screwed us up,

and then that weird Testicle Monster thing.

But the point is... you accept me.

The real me, whether I blob or triumph,

you were always the place that I returned to.

You were my home.

Okay, this is really beautiful,

but if she doesn't hurry the fuck up, we're gonna fry.

I've earned this family

and I will be damned if I let some D-movie villain

harm you or take you away from me.

And, even though you people,

who I love more than anything in the world,

chose someone else over me to lead you,

a perfect stranger, I might add...

[sighs] ... would die if anything happened to you.

[sighs] I'm going to save you. Hmm?

Or we will die together because

I'm not going to live my life without you.

[warbles]

Bravo.

[sinister music playing]

Immortus will rise.

[Rita] Wait, you!

What did you say?

Hey, that's it?

You get what you want and you still leave us here to burn?

Holy shit, we're doomed.

[Cliff] At least you got to have a fucking orgasm before you die.

[yells]

Don't worry. I'm coming for you.

[all screaming]

-[Cliff] No! -[Larry] Rita!

[Rita screaming]

[Larry] Oh, please. Do not let go.

[straining]

[Rita screaming]

Hot, hot, hot!

-[warbling] -What is that?

[Cliff] Holy fucking fuck! Is that...

[Larry] Keeg?

[Jane] He's rescuing us.

[Larry] Thanks, kiddo.

Let's go home.

Wait, don't.

No!

[Jane grunts]

[Larry] Keeg?

-[gasps] Rita! -[Jane] Rita.

Rita.

[suspenseful music playing]

[all breathing heavily]

-Man. Good to see you, brother. -You too. Take care, bro.

-Take it easy, man. -My guy. I will.

[sighs]

Good seeing you.

Good seeing you, too.

Hey!

I promised to share custody.

I had him for the first ten years.

You get him for the next ten.

[Vic] Hey, Deric.

I'm forever proud of you, man.

[sighs]

[whooshes]

[Cliff] Get the fuck out the way.

[door opens, closes]

-[exclaims] Oh! -[Cliff] Move! Move!

Fucking hell. Right? Ow!

-Oh... -[glass breaking]

[Cliff] Move it. Out of the way.

What's happening?

[Larry] We don't know what's going on.

[theme music playing]