Original subtitles

Ah, nature, it's beautiful

and what better place to enjoy it than a summer camp.

Welcome to camp big teepee, a place

where children come year after year

to gain the experience that only a summer camp can provide.

Experiences that will last a lifetime.

Children will learn to share... to make friends...

They'll learn to swim and acquire valuable skills

such as woodworking.

Yes, camp big teepee provides the physical exercise that

enables young bodies to grow.

My chest grew a quarter of an inch since last week.

And everyone will learn

the value of determination and self-restraint.

Could it be three days without wetting my bed?

Three d... two... two days.

Yes, campers will be guided

by the very responsible counselors

who are always on the ball.

Dick.

And Jane.

Oh, dick.

Why Jane.

Oh, dick.

See spot run.

Oh, yes!

But most important, children are

taught to appreciate nature.

Ah, the forest... Such a wondrous place.

Come campers, let us explore.

If we keep our eyes and ears open,

we might just be able to see some

of natures busy little creatures in their natural habitat.

Now, listen carefully, this region

abounds with many of the furry animals

such as raccoon and beaver.

Watch your step.

The brush is thick here.

It's hard to see where you're going.

Our story begins on the last day of camp.

Attention campers...

Like report for totally grody mess hall

because it's the super-mom end of the summer speech thing, ok?

Campers, it has been a productive summer.

I know we've all come a long way in six weeks.

We've had fun.

But we've matured.

Ah, phooey!

Now, don't forget to tell mom and dad

what a terrific time you've had so

that you can all come back next year to be further enriched.

And we can all make more money... uh, friends.

Attention campers,

ok, like, go to your whoa, hey, like assigned activities, ok?

Now follow me girls and do exactly as I do.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

One, two, stretch.

Girls... do exactly as I do. Ooh.

The morning activity is nature again?

Oh, I hate nature!

Nature hunt?

I want to go shoot some hoops.

It's a nature hike.

And that means a lot of walking.

And I hope we're back in time for lunch.

Oh, nature sucks and so Doe that nature

counselor, miss farmer.

Yeah.

Ok, campers, today the main emphasis of our nature walk

will deal with the study of symbiosis.

Does anybody know what that means?

Symbiosis?

Mitchell?

Symbiosis... uh, yeah.

My mother had that once.

But then she got some mouthwash.

Now it's all better, huh?

No.

No, Mitchell.

Mitch.

Hey, where'd you get that?

You want to get high?

Sure.

Hey, what are guys doing?

Hey, bug off, shithead.

Are you going to smoke that?

Yeah, bigshot, you want a hit?

Yeah, sure.

Ok, great.

Let's go.

Oh, I'm always starved after I smoke pot.

I have no food.

Oh, come on, Annie.

Let's ask Henry.

He's always got lots of food.

Hey, Henry, you want a hit?

You want a hit?

No, don't hit me. Don't hit me.

- Please don't do that. - No, no, no.

Do you want to smoke some grass?

Oh, sure.

Let's continue our nature hike.

Let's see if we can find some specific examples

of symbiotic relationships.

Fuck this nature shit.

Let's go smoke the grass.

Hey, guys!

I've got the grass. Come on.

Let's smoke it.

Follow me, guys.

I know just the place.

Hey, Henry, where are we going?

Come on.

It's right here.

I come here all the time.

Yuck.

Watch out for the rabbit shit, guys.

Hey, uh, Dan, you got that lantern?

It's dark in there.

You go first.

Who me?

Yeah, come on. Go ahead.

Come on, Danny.

Come on.

Why do I have to go in the hole first?

Because douche bags go in the hole first.

Are sure it's safe in here?

Come on.

Mitch, you behind me?

I'm right on your tail.

Come on, you guys, my place is just around here.

Wow!

Oh, shit.

So do you guys want to go by the onyx formation

that looks like popcorn?

Or the one that looks like donuts?

Donuts.

Yeah, donuts.

Henry, you farted right in my face.

Sorry, cheese sandwiches do that to me.

Oh, the giant grape.

Where is it?

Right here.

And for your post-joint enjoyment,

I always keep a little food here just

for these kind of emergencies.

Good going, Henry.

Mitchell, can you tell me the name of that plant?

Mitchell?

Where's Mitchell?

Where's Annie?

Miss farmer, I saw them leave with a funny cigarette.

What?

Yeah.

Now, now, now, don't panic.

Now you children stay right here.

I'll be right back.

Now, don't move.

Do you understand me?

Dont' move.

Yes, miss farmer.

Screw here, let's go.

Smooth stuff.

Hey, Danny, come over here and take a hit of this.

The joint burned my tongue.

No, you idiot.

Smoke the other end.

Those assholes, I knew I couldn't trust them.

Oh, sinsemilla.

Those kids have good taste.

Shit, if I can only get my hands on them.

Is it imported?

You bet.

Well, I only smoke the best.

Well, it is the best.

Ok, you guys.

Don't try to get rid of the smell.

That's how I found you in the first place.

I could smell it a mile away.

Danny Anderson!

I'm ashamed of you.

And you were nominated for most improved camper award.

Why did you guys leave the group?

I could get in a lot of trouble because of you.

Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?

Want a hit?

Oh, gee, thanks.

No, I don't smoke pot.

My body is a temple.

I would never put any chemicals into it.

Yeah, except for maybe your birth control pills.

Why do you guys want to do this anyway?

I mean, you should get high on nature.

Just look at the beauty and symmetry of this cave.

This cave is a perfect example of the changing

state of nature.

Just look at the way that still stalactite

delicately clings to the roof of this cavernous orifice.

The slightest movement or sound could offset that balance

and create an upheaval that is probably how this cave

was created in the first place.

It's a spider!

It's a spider!

It's ok.

It's ok.

See what your screaming has done?

What?

Are you trying to kill us?

It's not Annie'sfault. It's just

a demonstration of nature in an ever-changing state of flux.

Oh, fuck the flux.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Don't panic.

The slightest sound could cause a cave-in.

Now let's move very slowly out of the cave.

Go ahead, Mitchell.

No, no, no.

Ladies first.

You go first.

Ok, now remember don't make a sound.

Oh, shit!

If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, butch.

You've got to water down the milk.

This milk bill is killing me.

And another thing, you've got to double dose

the salt Peter in the bug juice.

These kids are getting a little bit too frisky.

Loose joints!

Loose joints!

Nickle bags... come on, loose, I got it all.

You don't got a date to take to the boathouse?

My friend... she'll take good care of you.

There you go. Come on, guys.

I got to go.

You got some petroleum jelly for your girlfriend.

I got it. I got a bong.

I got it all, guys.

Is everybody ok?

Danny?

The whole fucking thing caved in on us, asshole.

I'm sorry guys.

I guess I shouldn't have had that other cheese sandwich.

Yeah.

All right, listen, don't worry.

I'll get us out of here.

All right?

All right.

My head.

Holy shit!

I'll never be ready for the end-of-season banquet.

Oh, yeah, the banquet.

And they're having chocolate pudding.

Come on, Mitch.

You can get us out of here.

I know you can.

Damn, these fucking rocks.

There's no way.

There's no fucking way.

There's thousands of rocks back there.

Now what are we going to do miss know-it-all.

Well, don't panic.

Well, let's look on the positive side.

We still have light and half a joint.

Half a joint.

And let's see, who knows we're here.

My campers!

They're still back on the trail waiting for me.

They are bound to come and get us in no time.

Oh, boy, what a relief.

Hey, clem, what's that guy doing by our fence?

So hard to find a good piss pole these days.

And this one is a beauty.

Hey, it looks like he's breaking into our chicken Coop.

What a relief.

Oh, my back teeth were floating.

My teeth were just going to fall right out.

They were just floating.

Oh, thank goodness I found this pole.

I thought it...

Ok, buster, put up your hands and turn around real slow.

Well, wait, wait, wait.

Shut up!

Put up your hands and turn around real slow.

Well, ok.

Oh, don't hurt me.

These water bills are killing me.

Now, I told you I wanted three campers

to pee before each flush.

Get it?

Got it.

Good.

Lebotomy, what are you doing back

so soon from the nature hunt?

Danny Anderson.

Mitch, Annie, and Henry... funny cigarettes.

Frogs!

What are you trying to tell me?

Well, they're lost.

And they're not coming back.

Merriam, check on his story.

We've got to find those kids.

Some of them haven't paid their bill yet.

What time is it, miss farmer?

Leave me alone.

Oh, excuse me.

What's the matter with you?

You've never been touched by a man before?

Scared I might turn you on?

Big shot.

I am sick of yours notty comments.

I have been touched by more men than you could even imagine.

I bet you wouldn't even know what to do if I

really let you touch me anyway.

Yeah, I bet you never even have gotten laid, stub.

Hey, listen, I wouldn't want to bore you with the details.

Besides, you wouldn't understand half of it anyway.

And don't call me stub.

My name is stud.

Ok stub, why don't you tell us about your sexual conquests?

Yeah.

I don't want to talk about this.

The act of sexual intercourse... The coupling of two organisms

is the most important and obviously essential

when in the life cycle of the species.

What the hell did she just say?

She's trying to tell us she never bobbed on a man before.

How about it, nature counselor?

I bet you're the world's first 22-year-old virgin.

Yeah, when did miss nature teacher get her cherry

popped.

Aren't we all charming today?

Ok, stub, you're going to enlighten us

on your vast sexual experience.

Ok.

Ok, all right.

I'll tell you all about the first time I got laid.

Under one condition.

Yeah?

That you all tell me about the first time you got laid.

What's the matter?

You've all done it haven't you?

Of course.

What do you take us for?

Hey, Henry, we got a virgin in the group?

Nah.

I always get fucked.

Come on, Mitch, you start off.

The first time I got lad, hmm, shit, there's been so many.

Ah, I remember.

It all started when I had a fight with my chick, Kathy.

I took here to inspiration point, a nice secluded place

where I knew we could be all alone.

Then I started to put these major league moves on her.

Oh, is that bubble gum I taste?

No, I just have this terrible sinus congestion.

Kathy, if you could just...

Stud, we've only been going out a week.

Oh, I know.

It's been a good week too.

Just like...

I really don't want to.

Yeah, yeah, just... just... yeah.

Just...

As usual, the chick

had her hands all over me.

I had to fight her away.

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Oh, Jess!

Jesus Christ!

What is this sticky shit all over my dress?

You pig!

I hope this doesn't get me pregnant.

But I knew it couldn't last forever.

So I hit the road.

Pig, get out of here.

Asshole!

You weenie.

Excuse me.

I decided to go while the going was good.

I don't like chicks who get stuck on me.

So I decided to thumb a ride.

People always took an instant liking to me.

All I had to dow as flex my biceps.

And it was easy as fucking a tomato.

A real cute chick picked me up.

I could tell she was a real nice clean cut girl.

She wasn't like Kathy at all.

She was mature.

What's your name?

My name is Mitch.

But friends call me stub... ah, stud.

Stud?

Why is that?

It's a long line of women who can tell you why.

Are you always so shy and modest?

Only with breasts... Uh, girls I like.

Does that mean you like me?

Well, you sure are kind of cute.

I really like the preppy look.

Gee, thanks a lot, you know?

I don't get too compliments in my line of work.

What's your line of work?

I mean, you can't tell what I do?

Not really.

Hey, stud... into the road.

You never did tell me what you did.

Uh, I'm a hooker, you know?

A real, live call girl.

Bullshit.

Would I lie about something like that?

No, I guess not.

Why don't you come over for a drink?

I'm sure you can find the time.

Well, yeah, I guess I could do that.

Where do you live?

I finally hit the jackpot with this chick.

But I didn't want to screw up this opportunity.

So I decided to bring my friend Jeff

along because he read all the books

and how to score with the women.

This is it.

Mitch, don't worry about a thing, ok?

Just run the order past me one more time now.

Ok, ok.

First, body hygiene.

Oh, Mitch, no.

Oh, come on, Jeff.

Now, how many times have I got to tell you?

One, you blow in her ear.

That drives them wild.

Two, body hygiene... Ok, some guys

like for a guy to spend some time in the bathroom

before indulging in such activities.

Three, moan and groan... It drives them wild.

Four, get them nice and wet.

And five, zingo!

Zingo!

Zingo.

Now, if all else fails, take my words of wisdom for advice.

Ok.

When in doubt, whip it out.

Ok.

That's it. Come on.

Let's get going.

Jeff was a real pro.

He started the evening off with rule number one.

He blew in her ear.

Well, here I am, babe, all six inches of me.

Who is this?

Who me?

Hey, I'm Jeff.

I'm here to give you some hot action.

Well, Mitch I'm first.

Make yourself comfortable because this

is going to take a while.

As for you sweetheart.

Tell me, what do we got?

Around the world?

Half and half French-Greek?

I know Greek is usually a little extra.

Hey, maybe we can get the two for one price.

Oh, hey, I know you professional type girls.

You like to see the cash first, right?

Hey, ok, I don't blame you.

I come prepared.

Don't worry.

Let's see if we've got a one dollar, two

dollars, a three, four dollars.

How does that sound, sweetheart?

There's more where this came from.

You know what I mean?

Well?

What did you say your name was?

Jeff? Jeff: Jeff.

You got it.-Come on in.

Ok.

I don't believe what I've done.

Look at this place.

This isn't the living room of a hooker.

This is the living room of a nice girl.

Excuse me for a moment please.

Yeah, really?

Holy shit!

What the hell was in that book?

Moans and groans... a body hygiene... my notes.

"Blow in her ear, body hygiene, moans and groans,

get her nice and wet, zingo."

Ok, step number two, body hygiene.

Oh, my god.

Oh, geez, champagne.

Oh, you brought me champagne.

Ok, body hygiene. "Moans and groans."

Moans and groans... uh... no, no.

No, geez.

Yeah.

I got it now.

All I git to do is take up my pants.

And I don't need a book for that.

Oh, look at this... Horsd'oeuvres... beautiful...

Beautiful hors d'oeuvres.

And I brought that animal here.

That animal!

Oh, if that animal.

If you touch her, I'll kill you!

You better be good to her.

God, what did I do?

What are you doing?

I haven't even touched you yet.

I'm a very, very excitable guy.

It doesn't look very excited.

You know, you're right.

Wait one second.

"Step four, gether nice and wet."

Ah, get her nice and wet.

I understand.

You girls can't do it unless you're nice and wet.

Jeffy here is going to get you nice and wet.

God, you asshole!

Sweetheart, I can't help.

I just followed the directions.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Mitch?

What the hell are you doing?

I did everything by the book.

Asshole!

This will show you how to treat a lady.

Oh, Mitch, I went with the book.

She's just frigid. That's all.

She's just frigid.

That broad is frigid.

I'm sorry I hit you.

I didn't know he was going to duck.

Who cut off the lights?

Where am I?

I can't see.

Excuse me. I know what it is.

She's frigid, Mitch. That's what she is.

She's frigid.

Oh, my balls.

You'll never believe this.

But this is really my first time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's ok.

It's just that you must have been with thousands

and thousands of men.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Oh, you know what I meant, Lucy, I'm sorry.

It's ok.

You don't have to worry because I'm

going to teach you everything.

Everything?

Everything.

Even though it was my first time,

my instincts took over.

What do I do first?

Well, first why don't you put your hand on my breast?

Like that.

Don't squeeze so hard.

I'm sorry.

It's ok.

Just very nicely.

Mitch, you're so hard.

And you're so big.

And you're so warm.

But if you would move down just a little further,

it wouldn't be my belly button.

Oh, sorry.

Ok, thank you.

Um, much better.

That's nice.

Oh, Lucy.

Was that good enough for you?

Mitch, you were wonderful.

Lucy?

Yeah.

Did you... you know...

Yeah, sometimes it takes a little more for me to,

you know.

Well, what can I do?

What can I do?

Mitch, you're the best.

You're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Oh, god, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

Mitch, you're the best.

And that's the way... and that's the way it happened.

Wow!

What a crock of shit.

Like, attention, is this thing on?

Well, attention campers... Like, go to the mess hall

for a truly cool assembly.

Ok, campers.

It has been our tradition here at camp big teepee.

As I've told your parents, on the last day of camp

to always bring in our nature appreciation film.

And you'd better like... I'm sure you'll like it.

All right, Vinnie, come on, come on, come on.

Stop washing the dishes.

Get out here and start the damn movie.

Oh, ok.

Hit the lights.

The asbestos and toxic waste

manufacturers of america proudly present.

"Nature: Your friend and mine."

All over america people are getting

into the good old outdoors in appreciating their environment.

Let's take a trip with the platt family.

Mom and dad know how important it

is to have the appropriate vehicle for their outing

into the wilderness.

Dad decided to get the economy-sized vehicle with all

the accessories... a vehicle that illustrates their understanding

of nature's delicate Harmony.

Junior and sis have been taught to respect

all the little animals in the forest.

So remember, look, don't touch.

Dad teaches his family that the woods belonged to everyone

and that there are many people who come to the forest

to appreciate the bird life.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Look, a kirtland warbler.

There are only about a hundred of those left in the world.

They are almost instinct.

Come on, son.

Let's blow it out of the sky.

This film has been brought

to you by the asbestos and toxic waste manufacturers of america.

Isn't that great?

Isn't that great?

I told you we would have some entertainment today.

Let's hear it from you.

I'm sure you got a great story to tell.

It's none of your business.

Danny Anderson, you promised.

Well... let Henry go first.

Yeah, come on, Henry.

Oh, well, sure.

I mean, with me, it was never any problem.

If I wanted a date, all I ever had to do was reach over,

pick up the phone, and no problem.

Hi there.

I'm here to tell you about lovers

for losers new checkmate dating service...

Northern New Jersey's first scientifically-controlled

dating service.

Sounds too good to be true?

Just take a look at a few of our satisfied customers

and note how they're all perfectly matched.

I love my perfectly-matched checkmate date.

And she's herpes free.

I love my perfectly-matched checkmate date.

And she's herpes-free.

I love my perfectly-matched checkmate date.

And he's herpes-free too.

So call now for a herpes-free date that's

also perfectly matched to you.

Yes, if you're at home right now watching

this television commercial, you're

probably alone without a date.

So get that hand out from underneath that blanket

and dial 888-6969, yes, 888-6969 where

our operators are standing by to answer your call personally.

Void in Oklahoma, Wisconsin, and wherever prohibited by law.

Now those, of course, were just some of my more casual dates.

But the first time it never really happened for me

was on Halloween night.

This year, I decided to be different and go as a ghost.

Oh, wow!

Mom makes the best Halloween costumes of anybody.

Hey, if I'm going to be eating all that candy tonight,

I better get something solid in my stomach.

Yeah, I need a pizza.

There one slight problem with my costume though.

Mom forgot to cut a hole for my mouth.

When I tried to take off my hood, the zipper got stuck.

No matter how hard I struggled, I couldn't get the hood off.

I didn't panic.

I just got a pizza to go.

But my hood got turned around.

And I could hardly see where I was going.

That's my man, bitch.

I usually walked

across the school parking lot.

But there was a bunch of real naughty kids there.

So I decided to avoid the mand cut across the field.

It's lucky I did because these kids were real bad.

Give me some money, blondie.

I knew they'd start trouble.

I don't know what you want from me.

Money.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Hey!

Get that bitch.

Get that bitch, man.

Ron, is that your purse she's carrying.

Yeah, that is my pink purse.

Hey, man, you can't let her take your purse, man.

It got your lipstick in it.

She must have stole it from me.

Oh, please don't hurt me. Please.

Come on.

Let's kill the bitch, man, come on.

Eeeyah!

Eehyah!

Where is it?

Eeyah! I'm done with the nice guy now.

That's right.

Hit her.

Who turned out the lights?

Hey, man, check this shit out, man.

It must be a ku klux klan meeting somewhere, man.

Hey, let's give them a real Batman's welcome to the kkk.

Hey, what's going on here?

You in the wrong place, fool.

You're going to die, man.

Hey, what's going on here?

Eeyah!

Hey, ouch!

All right, man.

That's what you get, yeah.

Yeah, man.

Let's go, man.

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Oh, my goodness.

Don't hit me. Don't hit me.

No, no, that's all right.

They're gone.

Oh, you poor thing.

Are you ok?

No, you came along just in time.

Those guys had knives.

Knives?

It was smart of you to put on that costume

to scare them away, yeah.

My costume?

Oh, this was just a coinc... Oh, yeah,

I mean, I guess I was pretty convincing, huh?

Well, I guess I got to go.

Wait a minute.

I don't even know who you are.

I don't even know your name.

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does.

You just saved my life.

My name is Henry putz... goodbye.

Henry, I don't know if I should be asking you this.

But do you think you could walk me home.

I'm still kind of shaken up.

Sure.

Well, there goes my dinner.

That's ok.

I'll get you something to eat at my house.

Little did I know that I just saved

the life of Barbara billington, the richest,

most beautiful, most sophisticated

teenage nymphomaniac in town.

Wow!

Nice house.

Oh, thanks.

Personally I think it's a bit too big.

But you see, when daddy died, he left mom and me a lot of money.

So we moved from akron and bought this place.

Yeah?

My uncle comes from akron.

So, Henry, let me take a look at wound for you.

Oh, no, it's ok.

Oh, Henry, it's a good thing I'm looking at this.

If you had gotten some of that cheese into the cut,

you could have gotten mozzarella poisoning.

Mozzarella poisoning?

So, Henry, take off the costume.

Let me look at it for you.

Oh, no, it'll be ok.

Henry, just let me take a look.

No, no, no.

It'll be ok.

What's the matter with you?

Well, it's just that I'm kind of uptight about by body.

I mean, my tits are bigger than any girls I ever met.

Oh, Henry, don't say things like that.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Most girls usually won't even talk to me.

And when they do, it's just to put me down.

I think you're a nice guy, Henry.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Most girls usually won't even give me the time of day.

And when they do, that's always wrong.

Oh, Henry.

I mean, after all, it is my own fault, I mean,

because I am this big, fat oaf.

Stop it, Henry.

I mean, all the guys that I go out with

are just self-centere degotistical maniacs.

They just want to score so they can brag to their friends.

You're very different.

Yeah?

Are those dunkin' donuts?

I thought they might be your favorite.

One donut led to another.

We just couldn't stop ourselves.

And I guess weboth lost control.

Oh, Henry.

Oh, Henry, you are so good.

You must be so experienced.

Oh, Henry, am I good enough for you?

Oh, Henry.

Really, Henry, tell me.

Am I good enough?

I don't think it could get any better than this.

Want to bet?

Oh, I don't care what you do.

Just get that thing off of me.

I've got enough hair down there.

I don't need that hairy thing there.

Now get it off of me now!

Now, she won't hurt you if you don't hurt her.

She's only trying to protect her young.

What about my young?

Now, calm down, Henry, don't excite yourself.

I'll handle this.

Yaaah!

Wow, nice forehand.

Now campers, I hate to have to punish you in this way.

But no matter what I do, I can't get you do arts and crafts.

So I brought something that I think will keep you interested.

Now, this is going to be a sculpture class.

You each have your own individual wads

of Clay in front of you.

And I would like you all to get to work.

Now, get to work.

What are we supposed to make a sculpture of?

Yeah.

Calm down.

I'd like you all make a sculpture of this.

Doh!

Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

No, cuts.

I've been waiting since yesterday.

I gave up baseball for this, for Christ's sake.

It's my turn, broads.

Get out of the way.

It's my turn.

I'm sure Mr. Zitzler has the state police

out looking for us by now.

Mr. Zitzler.

What do you want?

Can't just see I'm busy, stinky.

Well, here are the magazines you ordered.

Thanks Mr. Zitzler.

Oh, the kids that got lost in the nature walk.

They still can't find them.

So keep looking.

Full house.

Mr. Zitzler, my frog is sick.

You get away from here, you creep.

Mr. Zitzler is not eating his cocoa crispies.

Get!

You see what I havet to put up with?

Well, we're not too low on food.

But we just ran out of water.

I'm sure the whole camp must be looking for us by now.

Listen up... listen up big teepeers,

we've got a little problem.

Four campers and Michelle farmer, your nature counselor,

are lost.

Now, you all know that here at camp big teepee,

we all like to consider ourselves a big, happy family

that sticks together.

Ah, phooey.

And now we've all got to get together to help find

Michelle shell and her campers.

Because if we don't find them, the camp

will shut down next year.

Did anybody hear anything?

No.

No.

I thought I heard something.

We should be saved soon.

My mom's coming to pick me up today.

She's going to go nuts if she can't find me.

Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for you.

You know very well, I phoned you this morning

and told you I'd be there promptly this afternoon

to pick up my Danny.

Now, where is he?

What's going on around here?

Here?

Well, here is the basketball court where we teach them

the rudiments of basketball.

Basketball, my Danny loves basketball.

Is he playing?

Well, playing is only a figurative term, mam,

you see it parallels the life...

Can't you take me to see my Danny?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Canoe.

Yes, we have a marvelous canoeing program.

And I'd love to show you this, Mrs. Anderson.

Anne, you can be so quiet lately.

It's getting cold in here.

Try not to think about the cold.

Think about something else.

Think about the first time you got laid because I

want to hear all about it.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm sure my stories isn't half

as exciting as any of yours.

I'm just a little farm girl.

And didn't know any little boys farm boys my age.

The work was so hard and the hired hands were so lazy,

I had to make out the best I could.

I don't know what it was, whether it

was the heat, the sweat, the frustration of the farm work

or what.

But something changed for me that day.

And it first hit me later that night when my girlfriends

came over for a slumber party.

Annie, I'm going to go on my very first date Saturday night.

What should I do?

Ok, this is what you do.

Now, put your hand on his leg about up to here.

You don't want him to think you're too easy.

Now, he's going to pretend to yawn like this.

He's going to go to second base.

Don't worry.

He's just going to feel you up.

Well, but what if he tries to kiss me?

There are two kinds of kisses.

The dry kiss and the wet kiss.

This is dry kiss.

Now, this is the wet kiss.

Stick out your tongue like me.

Did anybody hear anything?

No -uh-uh.

No?

Maybe one of the animals got loose.

I'm going to go check.

Great, get us some donuts.

Apple spice.

Apple spice.

Little did know

that a starving, out-of-work actor had broken into my house.

That Annie, she doesn't know anything.

Now, you see this.

Let me show you something.

Ah, don't make a sound.

Are you listening to me, huh?

Now, do as I say.

Or I'll slit your throat and let the blood

drip all over your nice nighty.

Now, when I take my hand off your mouth, ha, ha,

I don't want you to scream.

I don't want you to make a sound.

Then what I want you to do... I want you

to get some milk and cookies.

Then I can take my hand off and don't make a sound.

Ok, butter or buster, who are you?

Johnny... Johnny Robbins.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted something to eat.

I've been running all night.

You are scared.

Can I have something to eat, please?

I had no choice but to get him something to eat.

And I knew it had to taste real good.

After I was nice enough to meet his demands,

he dragged me into our stable.

First, he tried to seduce me.

Then he grabbed and kissed me.

He began tearing off my clothes.

He couldn't keep his rough and calloused hands off me.

Now that he had his cookies, he decided he wanted the milk.

You're in me.

Oh, yes.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Johnny?

Johnny, I'm not finished yet.

I want more.

More.

More.

More.

He was a madman.

He was crazy.

He made me do it.

I had no other choice.

You poor baby.

Aw, come on, Annie, you can't expect us to believe that.

Oh, yeah?

He left this behind.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, my god, I didn't realize.

What a horrifying experience.

That's terrible.

Come here.

That's really terrible.

I'm really glad to see that you've got over that.

I've never heard anything quite that bad.

How did you get over it?

Hey, my knife.

That Mary Lou was amazing bozo, that bod.

Ooh, I want her so bad.

She's not interested in nobody, man.

What am I going to do?

I have been thinking about this all day.

I got a great idea.

Ok, I read somewhere if you want a girl to go crazy about you.

Yeah?

You do it in her food.

Yeah?

And she eats it.

Yeah?

She'll be all over you, man.

We're talking instant nature.

I'm telling you just make sure you get it in her food.

- All right. - Make sure she eats it, man.

She'll be all over it.

- All right, Melvin? - All right, man.

Can you handle it, Melvin?

I know I can handle it, man.

Hey, there's Mary Lou.

And she's wearing that bikini.

Oh, those nipples.

She's going to eat it just like I told you.

Just like I told you.

Any minute she'll be heading our way.

Yep, Mary Lou is thinking about eating it.

What the?

I don't know.

Hey?

What's that fat slob doing.

She's eating it.

Butch is eating it. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Can't be.

Oh, no, 300 pounds.

I love you.

I want your body.

Do you have something to tell us there, howdy doody?

Well, I guess so if you're still interested.

Sure, we can going to use a good nap.

Nap on this, stub.

Well, my story begins when I was much younger.

I had a very clear picture of the girl of my dreams.

Unfortunately, she was only in the pages

of "penthouse magazine."

I guess my Danny must be reading in bed again.

My big opportunity came when my brother Ted and I

went on vacation down to the Caribbean

where I got to see him in action with all those gorgeous girls.

Last night just wasn't long enough.

The cops had to break us up on the beach.

Well, how about this one?

You can see sleepover.

Eureka!

See you later tonight, iron thighs.

I have to go do my nails.

I want to look good for you all over my body.

You already do, baby.

Wow!

She practically tore your bathing suit off.

You think she was hot.

You should see her friend.

By the way, fixed you up with her tonight.

Wow!

A date for me?

Thanks, big brother.

Anything for you, pal.

Listen, tonight don't embarrass me, ok?

So when you got this chick in your room, right?

You start banging away at her.

Make sure she's really screaming loud, all right?

Screaming?

Sure.

Why?

Do I hurt her?

No, it's for the effect.

Just think about it.

You're in there banging away.

And she's screaming.

Your buddies are outside, ok?

You're screaming your name.

And you're going, boy, that Danny.

He's hung like a horse.

Yeah.

Hey, you want another trick?

Always worked for me?

What?

Take a big was of toilet paper, right?

Shove it down your pants.

That way she'll see you... A nice, big bulge down there.

She's got something to work with.

- You know what I mean? - Yeah.

You're going to have a good time tonight, buddy.

Yeah.

Eureka!

Suddenly, felt a strange heat on my back.

I turned around.

And there she was... My dream girl.

She was even more beautiful in person.

I thought I was dreaming.

But, no, it was true.

The girl from the pages of "penthouse"

was standing right in front of me.

I was speechless.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

Before I could make my move, she was gone.

Just when I thought I'd never

see her again, I turned around.

And there she was.

I didn't know if my eyes were playing tricks on me or what.

So I had to tell my brother.

I said, Ted, Ted, did you see that?

What?

It's the girl on the cover of "penthouse."

She smiled at me.

He said...

Danny, I really think you've been spending a little too

much time in the sun, pal.

I figured maybe I had been out in the sun

too long.

Hey, boss, look!

The plane!

The plane!

Ted and I planned

to stick together that night.

He said teamwork was the name of the game.

Yeah, teamwork.

The last time... did you see her on the beach today?

Would you stop messing around with this magazine?

Look, just turn the centerfold.

Maybe you'll recognize her from there.

These pages are all stuck together.

What have you been doing with this?

Now, listen, why don't you just forget about girls in magazines

and start to think about the real poontang coming over here

tonight?

Gladys.

Gladys, yeah.

Tonight, buddy, you're going to be a man.

Yeah.

All right, now these girls are hot.

So we've got to be on our toes.

Ok, let's make sure we have everything set up.

Ok.

Got the liquor?

Check.

Reefer.

Check.

Rubbers.

Check.

Petroleum jelly?

Check.

Hey, Danny, tonight, it's just you and me... team inseparable.

Yeah.

Teddy, boy.

Mona.

Hey, baby, you look like a million bucks.

You're looking pretty good tonight yourself, iron thighs.

Hey, who is this kid?

It's my little brother, Danny.

You remember him from the beach.

He's supposed to be with Gladys tonight.

Where is she anyway?

Oh, I forgot to tell her.

I had important things to do.

I had to do my nails.

Hey, are we going to end up babysitting tonight?

What is this?

No, he was just leaving.

Weren't you, Danny?

Scram.

Beat it.

Here's your hat and your whip.

And here is a dollar.

Why don't you go out and maybe see a movie

and sleep on the beach tonight, buddy.

Thanks a lot.

I'll see you in the morning.

Ok, Teddy, baby, let's party.

All right!

Wuh?

Hello.

I've been waiting for you.

For me?

Your name is Danny isn't it?

How did you know?

Oh, just a lucky guess.

Have some champagne.

It's wonderful.

Here is too long nights and deep emotions.

I'll drink to that.

They say if you wish hard enough,

your dream can come true.

They do?

They say if a dream can come true,

it'll change your life forever.

They do?

They say that falling in love is wonderful.

They do?

Yeah.

Wow!

Mona, you're kind of special to me, you know?

I've never met anybody like you before.

I really think I'm falling in love with you.

Ted!

Ted, we have the whole night ahead of us.

I wouldn't want you peak too soon.

How about another drink?

But you've already had seven.

Oh, come one, Danny, you've been dreaming

about this for a long time.

But I don't understand.

I saw you on the beach today.

And then you disappeared.

And there's a fat man in your chair.

And what are you trying to do to me?

I'm going to do to you exactly what you want me to.

Oh, Mona.

Oh, stop!

Wait!

I don't even know any important thing about you.

I mean, for example, what's your sign?

I'm Taurus... the bull.

I mean, like where do you go to school.

What does your father do?

He's a plumber or something.

Who cares?

Well, it's just that I like to get

to know my man a little bit better before I take

them to that special place.

What's your name again?

Danny, your bulge.

Danny, you don't have to impress me.

Then it happened just

like my brother said it would.

I didn't know if I could live up to my brother's standards.

I'm going to porkyou, you bitch.

When I heard Ted's girl, Mona, screaming,

I knew Ted had things under control.

God!

Oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry.

Let me rub it for you.

Maybe I can make it feel better.

No, no, get out of here.

Just leave me alone.

Well, thanks for the lovely evening.

I knew I had matters well in hand.

Ted would have been proud of me.

I was so excited.

I didn't even notice that Mona walked in.

You'd think a lover like Ted would be enough for any girl.

But Mona still wasn't satisfied.

Ok, Danny boy, let's party.

Wow!

So they taught me how to have an orgy.

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

I don't care what you think, douche bag.

It happened just that way.

We have been stuck in here all day.

What if they can't find us?

What if they are not even looking for us?

We've just got to trust them, Annie.

They'll find us.

I think there's something terribly wrong here.

Has he had an allergy attack?

Gee, Mr. Zitzler, have you heard anything

about Danny and the others yet?

No, as a matter off act, we have not.

Now, it's time for your dip, dippy.

Danny and the others.

Danny and the others?

Danny and the others... It's a rock group coming

into to entertain our campers.

Rock?

Rock?

Oh, you're interested in rocks, Mrs. Anderson.

Why didn't you just tell me in the first place?

I've got a rock collection you'd love to see.

Well, I guess it's time for the moment of truth.

When is the first time miss nature.

Teacher got her pubes parted?

What is the matter with you?

You have a one-track mind.

Why don't you just grow up?

Oh, miss maturity, what makes you better than everyone else?

We all told about the first time we got laid.

What are you so afraid of?

All right, I'll tell you.

I am proud of my relationship with Dwayne.

It was perfect.

He was everything a girl could want.

What a hunk.

What a man.

Even as far back as junior high school,

Dwayne and I innocently explored the mysteries

of coming adulthood.

Oh, my, oh my, oh my, I think we

have a definite problem here.

Are you sure this was your homework assignment?

Of course, I'm sure.

What do you think?

Oh, no, the nurse has a boo boo.

And you know what else, nurse?

The doctor has a boo boo too.

Where?

Here.

Kiss it and make it better, please.

Ok, the nurse will now kiss the doctor's boo boo.

The nurse that kisses his boo boo to make it better

is going to cost $25.

Do you have blue cross or blue shield.

Hi mom and dad!

Is everything all right, Dwayne?

Michelle farmer mom and dad

were crazy about dewayne and invited him

over once a week for dinner.

He and dad saw eye-to-eye on everything.

Well, Dwayne, my boy, have you registered for the draft yet?

No, have you?

Why son, years ago I did my duty.

You did your duty?

Well, why don't you flush it?

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Besides, I don't think they should

waste the cream of American youth such as myself.

Right, Michelle?

Right.

Ah, very sensible.

Do you like meat, Dwayne?

I love meat, Mrs. Richards.

Right, Michelle?

Lucy, isn't it wonderful that a fine, upstanding young man

like Dwayne has taken an interest

in our little Michelle?

Oh, desi, we're so lucky.

A special announcement, everybody.

Dwayne is taking me to the prom!

Darling.

That's marvellous.

I couldn't be happier.

Thank you, daddy.

Dwayne, you better take care of my little girl.

Oh, I'll take care of her, Mr. Richards, sir.

Right, Michelle?

Michelle farmer it was

right then and there that I felt the first stirrings

of youthful passion.

And I knew it wouldn't be long before the earth moved for me.

I decided that dewayne would be my first.

Then came the night of the junior prom.

Dwayne was so romantic.

Afterwards, he took me to a disco.

See that was a great prom, Dwayne.

Don't eat that.

Yeah, I'm sorry I threw up in your punch though Michelle.

You did?

I get it.

You want to dance.

Danny!

Michelle farmer just when

I thought Dwayne was about to make the earth move for me,

she appeared.

I was crushed.

I couldn't imagine what he saw in her.

Hey!

Hey!

Dwayne!

What about me?

Michelle farmer I never

felt so lonely in all my life.

Then I saw him across the crowded room.

And I knew there could be life after Dwayne.

I felt like I was floating on a cloud.

I knew in a flash that he was twice the man dwyane was.

He grabbed me and kissed me.

I felt like a bow of quivering jello in his arms.

He came close to me and whispered something in my ears.

Let's go.

Michelle farmer I guess

I must have misunderstood.

I thought he said balling.

What he really said was, "let's go bowling."

So we went bowling.

He picked just the right spot.

Oh, it wasn't exactly lover's Lane, but for $0.75,

shoes included, what do you expect?

Well how do you like the date so far?

Michelle farmer :By the end of the evening,

I could see that the only thing he had on his mind

was scoring up my alley.

The date was a strength for him got a call for me.

Well, the earth didn't move for me,

but I suppose it could've been worse.

Yeah, you could have got your twat twizzled by Dwayne.

Stinky, you're now a member of our traditional circle jerk.

Congratulations.

You know, guys, I'm really touched

you let me take part in this.

It's really the climax of my summer.

Ah, that's ok, stink.

We feel you have what it takes to take

part in our sacred event.

This is a very select group you're entering, stinky.

You're a member of that.

And here are the rules.

All lights must be turned off.

The first person to reach climatic finality

is the honorary chairman of the eagles for next summer.

Stop joking and start stroking.

How you doing stinky?

I'm doing ok.

I'm first!

I'm first.

I'm champion.

It's so cute.

What wrist action.

I always knew you could handle yourself in a crowd.

Look!

The lantern is flickering.

There must be a breeze.

It's a passage.

They must have begun to dig us out!

Yes!

We're in here!

Oh, I believe I was incorrect in my original analysis.

- What? - What?

What?

What?

Well, the fact that the lantern is burning at a clearly

diminished level indicates that there

is no longer sufficient oxygen to support burning.

What?-what?

What?

I have a headache.

Yes, Annie, your headache is clear

indication that the car bondioxide level has reached

the point where breathing becomes imperative

and asphyxiation sets in.

Asphyxiation?

You mean like suffocating?

You mean there's no more oxygen to breath?

Calm down.

Calm down.

I'm sure that help is on the way.

They are probably close enough to hear us.

Help!

Help!

We're stuck in a cave.

Help!

Help!

I do not go down on French poodles.

I am sure.

Oh, are we on?

Attention campers, meet your parents like in front

of the grody mess hall, ok?

We drove all the way up here.

Hi!

Hi!

Mom, I won the circle jerk.

That's my boy, ho, ho, no!

Danny.

Where's my Danny?

Excuse me.

Have you seen my Danny?

Danny?

Attention parents,

go to the totally tubular arts and crafts

show where like children's exhibits

are on display, ha, whoa.

Now parents, look at the subtlety

of these curving lines.

The smooth yet rugged texture of the pieces

speaks eloquently of the thrusting and parrying

techniques that your very talented children have utilized

in order to put together these beautiful, marvelous works

of art.

Oh, my god, it's bigger than yours, Harold.

Oh, no, the lantern went out.

Michelle is right.

We're running out of air.

Everybody down on the ground.

There's more air on the ground.

Down.

This is ridiculous.

Michelle, will you just get down and breathe please?

Why?

Just get down and breathe!

All right.

I can't breathe.

I can't help it.

I can't help it.

We got to get out of here.

This can't happen.

We just got to get out of here.

I can't deal with this.

We got to get out of here!

Oh, shit, I'm 17.

I'm going to die.

And I've never been laid.

What?

What?

What?

There was no hooker.

I made the whole thing up.

Shit, I don't even know how to talk to a girl.

Me neither.

I mean, I've never made it either.

There was no dream girl.

And there was no man with a knife.

I made it up.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Well, I guess there was no Barbara billington.

Well, I mean there really was a Barbara billington.

But she was just a waitress I had a crush

at the local dunkin' donuts.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Well, let's not dwell on the past.

I mean, I've always believed that if you live fully

in the moment and lived by the laws of nature,

then if death comes to take you before your time,

you'll be part of nature.

Oh, what the fuck are you talking about, Michelle.

Goddammit!

You're always talking this bullshit.

For once in your life, can't you just

talk like a normal human being?

Come on, Mitch.

Hey, you want to hear this shit she's always dealing out?

Well, I dont' know, Mitch.

You got to think about nature now.

I mean, it's one thing if an eighty-year-old woman

gets killed by a bus.

It's another thing if a kid dies before.

I just think that really sucks.

Fuck you, Henry.

You're just as bad as she is.

What is this philosophy bullshit?

You all are just scared.

I'm not fucking scared.

God damn it.

I'm going to die a virgin.

Why don't you just cut out the tough guy routine.

You're just as scared as we are.

Oh, Michelle, you've always had it in for me... always.

Yeah, come on.

Get it out now.

I always like you.

Bullshit!

I've always liked you.

I've always admired you.

You know the way the little kids look up to you.

They see you as a role model.

I've always wished I could be closer to you.

I think we should all be spending these last few moments

being closest to the fighting.

I'm going to die a virgin.

We're are all part of nature's

constant state of flux.

If I ever get out of here.

I'll never eat junk food again.

- I. - Fever get out of here,

I'll change my subscription from "penthouse"

to "national geographic."

I promise.

I don't want to die a virgin.

This fucking cave sucks.

The earth is moving.

The earth is moving.

Oh, yeah!

Gee that was nice.

Mr. Zitzler, you're in such a rush to sell this camp,

I got it think it over.

It's late.

I'll call you, Mr. Zitzler, I'll call you.

Please, Mr. Costolo, please, buy my camp.

You've got to buy my camp.

I've got to sell this camp.

That damned innocent kid.

I don't have any insurance.

What am I going to do?

I see you, Mr. Zitzler.

Where is my Danny?

I'm sick and tired of all this double talk.

All the other parents have found their children.

Where's my Danny?

Why, Mrs. Anderson, I was just looking for you.

My Danny boy is lost.

He's gone.

I can't find him anywhere.

Mrs. Anderson, now, please get a hold of yourself.

It becomes very unsteady on this dock.

What kind of a dump is this?

What in the world is that?

Mr. Zitzler, I couldn't find Danny's body

in this part of the lake.

Danny's body.

Danny's body?

Danny's body?

Danny's body!

Mrs. Anderson, don't move.

I'll get a lifeguard.

It'll take about 10 minutes.

These life guard costs are killing me.

I'll do it myself.

This way.

Go this way.

Mr. Zitlzler, you saved my life.

Yeah, I do hope Danny will be all right.

Oh, Danny is all right.

Danny is insured.

You have insurance?

Oh, Mrs. Anderson.

What happened?

I don't know.

Hey do you guys smell anything?

I think it's fresh air.

Look, I see daylight.

There's light coming in.

Oh, my god.

You're not kidding, light.

Get out of here.

All right.

What a fucking day.

I feel different.

Manny Anderson is no wacting in pornographic films

under the name of dicky long.

He has delighted millions of moviegoers

with his unique bulge.

Good, how you doing, huh?

Listen, listen, don't call me stud.

Call me Mitch, ok.

Mitch became a priest and opened

a parish in San Francisco.

He is now a spokesman for gay rights for the celibate clergy.

Cheesedoodles.

Henry putz works for the American.

Cheese manufacturers association as commissioner of natural gas.

They are all yours, kid.

After eightun successful marriages

and the cancellation of her bloomingdales credit card,

Annie goldberg suffereda nervous breakdown

and became a vegetable.

She is now living quietly in Columbus, Ohio

as a Brussels sprout.

Michelle farmer pursued her interest in nature

and now heads up the government's program

for wildlife preservation.

And fly.

Fly away!

Fly away little fish.

Weee!