Original subtitles

A unicef contribution of 13 cents

will feed a child for a month."

Man, living in Africa must be great.

Everything's so cheap.

If you ask me, man, unicef's a scam.

If we ask you, everything's a scam.

Everything is a scam.

Oh, lighten up.

Remember how much fun Halloween used to be?

Making costumes, trick-or-treating.

What is trick-or-treating?

Well, you put on a costume, you go door-to-door

and say, "trick or treat," and people give you candy.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

They just give you candy?

The best part of Halloween is getting the crap

scared out of you.

One year I saw the legend of sleepy hollow,

I couldn't sleep for, like, a month.

They give you candy?

Just like that? No strings?

Yes, Fez. Get over it.

Hey, you guys, you know what?

My church is doing a haunted house.

I really don't think anyone's gonna be scared

by a bunch of episcopalians.

Unless they have chainsaws.

Let's go see the Texas chainsaw massacre.

Michael, I told you,

I don't like texans.

I know. We could go to old main.

Our old grammar school?

Yeah, sure, you know.

A dark, burnt-out, boarded-up school.

Very creepy.

We could--you know, we could tell ghost stories.

Free candy?

Even if you're not from this country?

Yes!

Hey, why'd they burn down the school, anyway?

Oh, they said it was arson.

What? I was out of town that week.

Hmm.

How convenient.

So you're telling me...

That if I show up at someone's house

and say "trick or treat," they'll give me

a free piece of candy?

All: Yes!

Oh, I don't believe you.

[Doorbell rings]

Trick or treat.

An apple?

Where's my candy, you son of a bitch?

Captioning made possible by carsey-Werner productions and fox broadcasting company

♪ hangin' out ♪

♪ down the street ♪

♪ the same old thing ♪

♪ we did last week ♪

♪ not a thing to do ♪

♪ but talk to you ♪

♪ we're all all right ♪ ♪ we're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Woman in movie: Aaaah!

Oh, she's very good.

I like her. I hope she lives.

Woman: Aaaahh!

Huh.

Oh, well.

Well, why doesn't anyone just shoot him?

I mean, it's Texas. Everyone has a gun.

Yeah, yeah. This movie's so lame.

Man, she deserved it.

She had sex.

And like all movie sluts before her, she must die.

Woman: Aaaaahh!

No. She was about to take her shirt off.

Kids: Trick or treat!

Ha ha ha ha!

Okay, here you go.

Mmm!

Raisins!

Eew! Eew! Eew!

No, raisins are good for you.

Raisins are nature's candy.

Eggs are nature's hand grenades.

Kitty, don't give them raisins.

It just pisses them off.

Jeez, I hate Halloween.

Well, you used to love Halloween.

Remember that party we had

when we first moved in here?

Oh. Mother forman. Ha ha.

I see that you let yourself in again.

Boy, that's an awful lot of food.

I can't imagine that you have that many friends, kitty.

Oh.

Well, speaking of friends,

how are your 4 cats?

Hey, frank, uh, pull my finger.

No way.

You were killin' me in the car, man.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, good, you're home.

Hey, kitty.

I like your outfit.

You're a kitty.

Yes, I am, frank.

And what are you?

A bum. I'm a bum!

And I knew that.

Ha ha ha ha!

Red, honey, um...

I--i--i could use some help here.

Look, um...

Gee, kitty,

I'd really like to help you out,

but we gotta take these out to the garage and get plowed!

He is such a good boy.

[Ring]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Dr. Farrell.

Hmm.

[Chuckles] Really?

Oh, my god.

Ohh!

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you, doctor.

[Laughing]

Yeah. Thank you.

Wrong number.

Oh, god, no!

You're pregnant.

Yes, I am.

Do you know who the father is?

You know what I hear is nice?

Florida.

Look at this dump.

No wonder Hyde tried to burn it down.

You know, Fez,

a man died in that fire.

A gym teacher.

Coach...

Smith.

Some say his specter

still roams the halls to this day.

[Ghostly voice] Take a la-a-a-p...

Give me 20.

Walk it of-f-f-f...

All right, guys, let's just cut it out, okay?

You're scaring the women.

[Window bangs]

Out of my way!

Kelso, it was the window.

Yeah, I knew that.

Out of my way?!

No, I didn't say that.

Yes, you did, just before you knocked her over.

No. I--i was protecting you.

Protecting me?

Yeah. I was trying to draw the ghosts

away from you.

Ghosts are attracted to movement.

That's a scientific fact.

You know what? I don't care.

You're an idiot, and science is stupid!

Donna, let's go.

Gee, wonder what we're gonna talk about.

You're do-0-o-med.

God, I can't believe Michael pushed me

out of the way like that.

Me neither.

I figured he'd use you as a human shield.

Donna, the most noble thing a man can do

is lay down his life for the woman he loves.

Ideally, while she's still young and can remarry.

Do you know who protected me there?

Fez.

Well, he had to. He's Batman.

And the man said...

Here's your daughter's sweater.

She left it in my car last night."

And the woman said...

Why, that's impossible.

My daughter died 10 years ago...

Wearing that...

Very...

Sweater."

So?

So, she was dead.

And... He gave her a ride.

And she was dead!

When I was 6,

the mayor of our town was hung from a tree.

Your story was not scary.

Not scary?

The ghost of a dead girl gave him her sweater.

What does a ghost need with a sweater, man?

Maybe it's to keep her guts from falling out.

You can tell it was not scary

because Michael-ina here...

Did not run screaming for the door.

Hey. Where is it written

that a guy has to protect his girl? Huh?

And I'll have you know that the feminine form of my name

is Michelle.

Look, Michelle...

I don't want to come out in favor of saving Jackie,

but that's the price you pay

for docking your love boat in Jackie-vallarta.

Okay. So ichabod crane

lived in the village of sleepy hollow...

Wait, don't tell me.

He left his jacket somewhere.

Okay, that's it.

Halloween's over.

There's just-- there's nothing that scares us anymore.

Guys, we found something scary.

Yeah, it was in the principal's office.

Oh, my god.

Those look like...

Like...

They are.

Our permanent records.

Wow!

Our permanent records.

Uh, you know what?

They probably left these here

after the school burned down.

Hey.

Pinciotti, Donna.

Well...

Looks like someone we know had a real hard time

keeping their clothes on in kindergarten.

What?

It was just a stupid phase.

I'm sure glad that's over.

Oh, listen to this.

I fear that despite Steven's high I.Q.,

he is a born troublemaker

and is destined to be the smartest man..."

In his cell block.

What?!

They couldn't have known that in second grade.

Steven willfully and maliciously

destroyed Christine del bueno's

shoe box diorama of the 4 food groups."

You're a monster.

A horrible, horrible monster.

Yeah, real funny, but I didn't do it.

You know what's really funny, Hyde?

What, forman?

Heh heh.

I broke the diorama.

You?

[Thunder]

Hers was better than mine.

I had to smash it.

I left out dairy.

You know, that's when everybody turned against me.

They pegged me as a bad kid.

And once that happens, you're labeled forever.

You ruined my life, forman.

No, he didn't.

Hyde, no offense,

but with an alcoholic mom and an absent dad,

you were bound to end up in jail sooner or later.

Hyde, I said no offense.

Yeah, right.

Let's see what that file says about you, Jackie.

Go ahead. I have a perfect record.

[Snorting laugh]

Would anybody like to know what Jackie's middle name is?

[Piercing shriek]

Jackie's middle name is--

nooo!

[Whack whack whack]

Aah!

It's beulah.

[Doorbell rings]

Kids: Trick or treat.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you look so cute in your little costumes.

Arrrr!

[Kids screaming]

Damn, frank, that's funny.

Look, he lost his candy.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, that was not funny, red.

Those were just little kids.

Well, that's what makes it funny.

Well, think about it, honey.

Would it be funny if it were your own kids?

But I don't have kids.

Well, you might.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

I'm pregnant.

Oh, no!

No, I mean, uh...

Oh, crap.

Yeah.

Okay, nobody move.

Somebody took my last box of sugar babies.

Oh, no, wait. I was sitting on them.

Gee, Fez, you didn't give forman a chance

to pin it on me.

I didn't pin anything on you.

No?

Well, when Mrs. Hodgkiss

was yelling at me in front of the whole class,

you didn't exactly step up and take responsibility.

What were you thinking?

Hmm. I guess I was thinking I'm 7!

Hey. Hey, hey!

Let's not fight, all right?

It's Halloween, man.

It's time for peace on earth and good will towards men.

Let's read another file.

Yeah, 'cause that's working out great so far.

All right, fine. I'll read from my own, okay?

Oh. Okay.

Here's a secret you guys don't know about me

because it happened the year before I moved here.

When I was in first grade,

I used to wear this red cape to school

and pretend I was Superman.

You must have looked really stupid.

Wait, wait, wait. First grade?

Yeah.

No, no, no. When you moved here,

you and I were in first grade. That's how we met.

No, we didn't.

Man, you had to repeat first grade?

Oh, my god!

Michael, say it's not true.

It was--it was cursive writing, all right?

All those stupid squiggles and bumps.

I wouldn't do it.

You mean you couldn't do it.

No! I wouldn't do it!

And that's why they held me back.

Plus, I might have killed the class bunny.

Why?!

That's okay, kelso. Let it out.

I mean, it sucked, you know?

Living this lie,

pretending to be a year younger than I really am.

Wait a minute.

You're 18?

Yeah.

I mean...

That's why I've always seemed more mature

than you guys.

Are you telling me

that all this time

you could have been buying us beer?

You bastard.

What--

no!

It's not what you think.

You're dead to me.

But Eric ruined your life.

And if I had a beer, I could be getting over it right now.

Beer!

Beer!

Beer!

All right, everybody, just leave him alone!

Okay? Because he may be a liar,

but at least he's not a backstabber like Eric.

Stay out of this, beulah.

Oh, don't call me that.

Oh, sorry...

Beulah.

Fine.

You know what?

Donna kissed Hyde last year.

What?!

Don't mess with me.

That--

that's a lie. Hyde kissed me.

Well, that is just so much better.

How--how could you do this, man?

I guess I'm just a born troublemaker.

Or maybe you turned me into one.

You are so dead, beulah.

Hey! Leave her alone, all right?

Okay. Yeah.

Jackie told me Fez was a better kisser

than you, kelso.

Aah!

Hey. Were you ever gonna tell me about Hyde?

It hurts when your friends stab you in the back, don't it?

How would I know?!

I have no friends!

Let's go, pal!

[All arguing and shouting at once]

Stop it!

Can't you see what is happening?

Those permanent records are tearing us apart.

Batman's right.

Look what we've become.

We're like animals.

Those files

are evil, man.

We've got to destroy them.

But how, Jackie?

How?

Oh, my god.

Now my sugar babies really are gone.

Kitty.

I'm really sorry about what I said.

You mean, "oh, no"

and "crap"?

Right, that's it.

I'm sorry. I...

It's just...

Well, it was a big shock, you know.

It was a really big shock for me, too,

and I said, "oh, good" and "yay."

No, i--i-- I feel like that, too.

It's just that I...

Well, I...

I needed a minute for it to sink in.

But once it sunk in, I realized I was really happy.

You really mean that?

Of course I do.

It's gonna be great.

I can't wait to be a father.

Hey, red!

Great news! I found a way

to drink beer faster! Come on!

Go home, frank.

I'm busy.

Okay. Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Ha ha.

I think you're maturing.

Well...

You know, the truth is...

Frank's getting on my nerves a little bit.

I mean, he's-- he's kind of...

He's an ass.

And he's dumb.

He's a...

[Heavenly chorus sings]

Dumb-ass.

Hey.

Come here.

And then you gave birth

to a beautiful daughter.

And then Eric.

Who is just wonderful.

And I've grown up a lot since then.

Oh, you're dead, kid!

[Wolf howling]

Michael, I'm cold.

And this is stupid.

We should just burn the files.

Jackie, they've already been in a fire.

They can't be destroyed that way.

See you in hell, permanent records.

And we have to swear we'll never speak of this ever again.

Except the part about kelso buying us beer.

Yeah, naturally.

But otherwise, it's like this night never happened, okay?

Okay.

Yeah.

Beulah.

Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!

Aah!

Mmm.

Stolen sugar babies.

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