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1
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- Hi, I'm Trey Parker.
- I'm Matt. Matt Stone, that is.
2
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,630
You nut. You just caught us
doing what we love to do most...
3
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:36,210
...entertaining senior citizens.
Say "hi" to the South Park fans.
4
00:00:36,410 --> 00:00:40,080
- Say "hi" to the South Park fans!
- Hi.
5
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:45,050
This episode is called "Cartman's Mom
is a Dirty Slut." It's our favorite.
6
00:00:45,250 --> 00:00:49,820
- It's what we call a cliffhanger.
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
7
00:00:50,030 --> 00:00:53,150
- My chest hurts. I need my medication.
- You mean this?
8
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,160
- Yes, of course.
- Do the dog dance.
9
00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:58,770
I don't wanna do the dog dance.
10
00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:00,960
- Dog dance.
- Dog dance.
11
00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:03,070
- Bark, bark...
- Good.
12
00:01:03,270 --> 00:01:06,400
This episode is about a
boy's search for his father.
13
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:09,640
And a videotape
that might embarrass him.
14
00:01:09,850 --> 00:01:12,940
- Can I have my medication now?
- Beep like a Jeep.
15
00:01:13,150 --> 00:01:14,880
Yeah, beep like a Jeep.
16
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,380
- Beep, beep...
- That's it.
17
00:01:17,590 --> 00:01:21,220
So now sit back and enjoy
"Matt's Mom is a Dirty Slut."
18
00:01:21,420 --> 00:01:24,820
- Cartman's mom!
- Right, right.
19
00:01:56,530 --> 00:01:58,790
Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut
20
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,690
Cartman's not showing up for school.
21
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:08,030
Yeah, this is the third day in a row.
I wonder what's wrong.
22
00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:13,770
- Yeah.
- Hey, maybe we should go check on him.
23
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,710
- Come on, we're running late.
- We're not getting on, you ugly bitch.
24
00:02:17,910 --> 00:02:19,280
What did you say?!
25
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,110
I said,
we're not getting on, you ugly bitch.
26
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,050
Oh, all right then.
27
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,180
- Whoa, dude.
- I always wondered if that would work.
28
00:02:30,930 --> 00:02:33,590
- Hello, boys.
- We were wondering why fat ass...
29
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,890
- I mean Cartman, isn't at school.
- He's under the weather.
30
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:40,160
Maybe you boys
can cheer him up.
31
00:02:40,370 --> 00:02:43,000
- He's in the back yard.
- In the back yard?
32
00:02:44,070 --> 00:02:46,700
Would you like more tea,
Polly Prissypants?
33
00:02:46,910 --> 00:02:52,910
- I would love some tea, thank you.
- You're welcome, Polly Prissypants.
34
00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:57,320
- Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
- Yes, please.
35
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:02,220
- Why are you so cool?
- I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
36
00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:06,190
Yeah, you're strong and smart.
Everybody likes you.
37
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,560
Thank you, Polly Prissypants.
How nice of you.
38
00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:13,160
Dude, this is pretty f* *ked up
right here.
39
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,730
- Let's go make fun of him.
- No, this looks really serious.
40
00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:19,970
- I think we better get help.
- Really?
41
00:03:20,380 --> 00:03:25,140
Eric, you are the coolest guy
in the world. This is tremendous tea.
42
00:03:25,350 --> 00:03:28,540
Why, thank you, Peter Panda.
It's a distinctive Earl Grey.
43
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,480
- Eric is the best.
- Hurray for Eric.
44
00:03:31,690 --> 00:03:33,180
Eric kicks ass.
45
00:03:34,290 --> 00:03:36,520
Mr. Mackey, something's wrong
with Cartman.
46
00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:40,460
- There's a news flash.
- We saw him having a tea party...
47
00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:44,260
...with his stuffed animals.
- He was doing their voices.
48
00:03:44,470 --> 00:03:50,230
Eric is obviously suffering from some
kind of emotional distress, m'kay?
49
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,770
- What do you mean?
- Has anything troubled him recently?
50
00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:59,000
- No.
- Well, something is bothering him.
51
00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:02,840
Oh, of course, my video camera.
52
00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:05,990
If you could videotape
Eric's behavior...
53
00:04:06,190 --> 00:04:10,720
...then I can study him psychologically
and find out what's wrong, m'kay?
54
00:04:10,930 --> 00:04:13,020
- Is that legal?
- Oh, hell yes.
55
00:04:13,430 --> 00:04:17,230
That's a lovely dress
you are wearing, Polly Prissypants.
56
00:04:17,430 --> 00:04:20,400
Thank you, Eric.
You are a perfect gentleman.
57
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:25,840
- You are smart and cool.
- Yes, you are strong, smart and cool.
58
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,840
- Everybody likes you.
- That's nice, Peter Panda.
59
00:04:30,050 --> 00:04:33,380
- This will be the funniest tape ever.
- How much do we need?
60
00:04:33,580 --> 00:04:35,070
Just keep rolling.
61
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,310
- More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?
- Yes, please.
62
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,390
You are tough and handsome.
63
00:04:40,590 --> 00:04:44,460
Thank you. What do you think
about me, Clyde Frog?
64
00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:48,030
I think you're
a big, fat piece of crap.
65
00:04:54,570 --> 00:04:57,370
No, Kitty,
this is my corned beef cabbage.
66
00:04:57,570 --> 00:05:00,100
No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!
67
00:05:00,310 --> 00:05:04,970
- How is your beefy roast, snookums?
- Mom, can I ask you a question?
68
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:09,480
- Sure, hon.
- You know how Stan has a dad?
69
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:14,650
And Kyle has a dad?
And Kenny has a dad?
70
00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:17,190
Yes?
71
00:05:23,770 --> 00:05:28,830
- Well, what's your question, hon?
- Goddamn it, do I have a dad?
72
00:05:29,140 --> 00:05:32,070
I wanna know where I came from.
73
00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:34,470
Well, you see, Eric...
74
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:38,940
...sometimes when a man and a woman
are attracted to each other...
75
00:05:39,150 --> 00:05:42,840
...they want to be close
to each other.
76
00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:46,690
And sometimes the man
puts his hoo-hoo-dilly...
77
00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:49,980
...in the woman's cha-cha.
78
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,460
Who put his hoo-hoo-dilly
in your cha-cha?
79
00:05:57,670 --> 00:06:01,830
Eric, the day I met your father,
it was like magic.
80
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:06,440
It was a beautiful autumn night,
when the aspen trees were turning...
81
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,770
...at the 1 2th Annual
Drunken Barn Dance.
82
00:06:15,350 --> 00:06:18,180
I was young and naive then.
83
00:06:18,350 --> 00:06:22,150
I've never seen a woman drink so much.
You're amazing, Miss Cartman.
84
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,730
Heck, I haven't even started yet.
85
00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:28,730
I baked cookies.
Would anybody like one?
86
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:32,460
I wouldn't mind getting ahold
of your cookies.
87
00:06:32,670 --> 00:06:37,730
Well, go right ahead,
Officer Barbrady.
88
00:06:38,010 --> 00:06:41,170
That's a good cookie.
89
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:47,180
Come on, everybody,
let's do the drunken barn dance.
90
00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:57,420
And then I saw him.
91
00:06:57,630 --> 00:07:03,190
He was the most beautiful piece of ass
I'd ever seen in South Park.
92
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,490
His name was Chief Running Water.
93
00:07:20,950 --> 00:07:23,710
I don't recall
the rest of the night...
94
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:29,410
...but the next morning, I was pregnant
with you, my little blueberry muffin.
95
00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:32,460
Where is Chief Running...?
I mean Dad, now?
96
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:37,860
I never saw him after that.
I wasn't really that interested in him.
97
00:07:38,070 --> 00:07:40,130
That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
98
00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:44,470
I heard he still lives on the Ute
reservation outside of town.
99
00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:49,200
Wow, to think all this time
I'm actually a naive American.
100
00:07:49,410 --> 00:07:51,140
No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!
101
00:07:53,750 --> 00:07:59,520
Coming this Sunday, a television
event that will blow you away.
102
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:04,560
Terrance. Phillip.
In the harrowing made-for-TV drama...
103
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,890
...Not Without My Anus.
Based on a true story.
104
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:11,090
I have to go to Iraq and find
my kidnapped daughter.
105
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:14,360
Then I'm going
to go with you, Terrance.
106
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:19,770
See Canada's hottest stars
in the HBC Movie of the Week.
107
00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:22,880
Dude, we have to tape
Not Without My Anus.
108
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,880
Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.
109
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:29,940
- We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
- No, Billy...
110
00:08:30,150 --> 00:08:32,810
...we're gonna watch
the Bob Saget show.
111
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:37,980
And now, America's Stupidest Home
Videos. Here's your host, Bob Saget.
112
00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:41,990
I just flew into the studio.
Boy, are my arms tired.
113
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:47,740
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
114
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,660
Knock, knock.
115
00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:51,500
Bob.
116
00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,800
Bob Saget.
117
00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:59,010
- This guy sucks.
- He's almost as bad...
118
00:08:59,210 --> 00:09:01,240
...as that guy on Full House.
119
00:09:01,850 --> 00:09:05,080
Cartman? What are you doing dressed
up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
120
00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:08,780
Naive American, Stan.
The bear is important to my people.
121
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,750
What?
122
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:16,660
The white man has mocked my people
long enough. Keep your mouths shut!
123
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:21,270
- I need to bike to the reservation.
- What are you talking about?
124
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:25,700
My name is Eric Running Water.
Now, can I borrow your bike?
125
00:09:25,910 --> 00:09:28,810
- Or do I have to steal it?
- Go ahead, dude.
126
00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:33,850
- He's more screwed up than I thought.
- Let's get this video to Mr. Mackey.
127
00:09:34,050 --> 00:09:37,380
Just a reminder,
send us your stupidest home videos.
128
00:09:37,590 --> 00:09:40,780
The grand prize this month
will be for $ 1 0,000.
129
00:09:40,990 --> 00:09:46,990
- Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes!
- I wish we had a stupidest home video.
130
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:57,090
- And bear cried to eagle...
- Running Water, some kid's here.
131
00:09:57,310 --> 00:09:59,270
- What kid?
- He says he's your kid.
132
00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:01,440
- Hi, Dad.
- Who are you?
133
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:06,600
I'm your son, Eric. You put your
hoo-hoo-dilly in my mom's cha-cha.
134
00:10:06,820 --> 00:10:08,750
- Your mother?
- Liane Cartman.
135
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:12,680
Cartman? Oh, boy, I was worried
there for a second.
136
00:10:12,890 --> 00:10:16,720
- I'm not your father.
- But you were the guy she was with.
137
00:10:16,930 --> 00:10:21,420
I hate to break this to you, but your
mother is what we refer to as...
138
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,490
..."bear with wide canyon."
- What do you mean?
139
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:28,190
She is "doe who cannot
keep legs together."
140
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,300
- Your mom's a slut.
- Hey!
141
00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:34,030
Your mom was too drunk
to remember what happened.
142
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:35,940
Let me tell you.
143
00:10:38,310 --> 00:10:42,150
We got tired of dancing,
so we found a private spot.
144
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:45,950
I knew she wanted me.
She kept saying romantic things.
145
00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:52,060
- Chief, I want your hot man-chowder.
- Whoa, hello!
146
00:10:53,930 --> 00:10:58,960
Wait, wait. Who is that?
147
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:13,770
- Could you excuse me for a minute?
- You gotta be kidding me.
148
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:18,180
Why, hello there. I don't think
I've seen you around before.
149
00:11:18,390 --> 00:11:22,980
- No, I'm new in town.
- What's a nice, handsome...
150
00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:27,630
...black man like yourself
doing in a pit like South Park?
151
00:11:27,830 --> 00:11:32,100
- I'm gonna open up a restaurant here.
- My, how exciting.
152
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:35,100
Care to put your tongue
in my mouth?
153
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:38,570
Damn, baby,
you cut right to the chase.
154
00:11:38,770 --> 00:11:41,260
I'm plastered!
155
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,280
His tongue? Chef? Chef is my dad?
156
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,070
He's the last person
I saw with your mom.
157
00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:52,510
Oh, my God.
I'm a black African-American.
158
00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:58,590
Come on, get the go-cart going.
159
00:11:58,790 --> 00:12:02,290
- Did you send the videotape?
- I mailed it last night.
160
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,490
What sucks is now we have
to watch Bob Saget.
161
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:10,260
- Lf we win, we can buy a new go-cart.
- Here comes Cartman.
162
00:12:10,470 --> 00:12:12,270
What's up, homeys?
163
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:15,930
I was just kicking it
with some G's on the west side.
164
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:20,770
- You live on the east side.
- I thought you were Native American.
165
00:12:22,180 --> 00:12:25,410
Right, like I'm some hippie Indian.
166
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:31,080
You know what I'm saying, G? Check you
later. I'm gonna go chill with my dad.
167
00:12:32,090 --> 00:12:37,050
Dude, we should be videotaping this.
We could make another $ 1 0,000.
168
00:12:39,670 --> 00:12:41,860
Hold on, Kenny!
169
00:12:59,290 --> 00:13:02,880
- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
- You bastards!
170
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:08,490
- Hello?
- Yo, Pops.
171
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:14,290
- Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
- Just laying down some rhymes.
172
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:17,400
- Get in here!
- West side.
173
00:13:17,610 --> 00:13:21,170
- What's gotten into you?
- You're my dad, Chef.
174
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:24,970
You got together with my mom
at the Drunken Barn Dance.
175
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:28,380
What? No! Did I?
176
00:13:28,580 --> 00:13:31,980
You kissed her
with your tongue.
177
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:36,520
Women don't get pregnant
from tongue kissing, children.
178
00:13:36,730 --> 00:13:39,320
- So you're not my dad?
- Of course not.
179
00:13:39,530 --> 00:13:44,930
Here, you children sit down and let me
explain about where babies come from.
180
00:13:45,130 --> 00:13:48,860
Then you'll see why
I can't be your dad.
181
00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:58,040
Actually, sometimes a man
doesn't love a woman...
182
00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:01,770
...but he acts like he does
to get some action.
183
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:57,000
What? Who the hell did that to my mom
at the Drunken Barn Dance?
184
00:14:57,210 --> 00:15:02,400
Children, that was a long time ago,
but I'll tell you what I remember.
185
00:15:05,910 --> 00:15:08,850
Chef, you're so strong.
186
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:13,280
Hey everybody, look who's here,
the AFC Champion Denver Broncos.
187
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:17,110
- Are we late for the party?
- What town is this?
188
00:15:30,270 --> 00:15:34,970
- Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?
- Whoopee!
189
00:15:35,910 --> 00:15:40,140
- Garrison, what are you doing?
- You're drunk, Mr. Hat.
190
00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:46,950
Oh, man, I'm out of here.
191
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:51,180
Come on, Chef, haven't you heard
of a "manage oh three"?
192
00:15:51,390 --> 00:15:54,160
Yeah, when two women are involved.
193
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:59,930
Damn! Damn! I guess it will just have
to be you and me, Miss Cartman.
194
00:16:00,130 --> 00:16:03,470
And that's who she was with last:
Mr. Garrison.
195
00:16:03,670 --> 00:16:08,370
No. No. No, God, no!
196
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,410
And now,
America's Stupidest Home Videos.
197
00:16:12,610 --> 00:16:15,880
Here's a video that shows
a very disturbed boy.
198
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,580
Thank you, Polly Prissypants.
You are my best friend.
199
00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:24,820
You are one of the coolest people
in the world, and you are not fat.
200
00:16:25,030 --> 00:16:28,990
- Really, you don't think so?
- No, you're not fat.
201
00:16:30,970 --> 00:16:34,900
Stanley, we just heard
that your little friend Kenny...
202
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,730
...was killed by a train.
- Huh? Oh, yeah.
203
00:16:38,940 --> 00:16:41,500
Is there anything we can do for you?
204
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,680
- How about ice cream?
- Yeah, with butterscotch.
205
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:48,710
- You bet, you poor dears.
- Now the moment you've waited for...
206
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:53,950
...when one of our lucky videos
qualifies for the $ 1 0,000 grand prize.
207
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,780
The winner is:
208
00:16:55,990 --> 00:16:59,320
- "Little Boy's Tea Party. "
- We're in the finals.
209
00:16:59,530 --> 00:17:02,830
- We're gonna win $ 1 0,000.
- Cartman will be famous.
210
00:17:04,770 --> 00:17:09,860
- I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
- One more cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
211
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:15,740
Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a
drinking problem. Another cosmo.
212
00:17:16,950 --> 00:17:20,110
All this time...
Why didn't you tell me, Father?
213
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,550
- What are you talking about, Eric?
- It was you.
214
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:27,650
You were with my mother
at the Drunken Barn Dance.
215
00:17:27,860 --> 00:17:31,760
- Garrison? Impossible, he's gay.
- I'm not gay!
216
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,760
Then you slept with my mom?
217
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,260
- He's gay.
- Okay, okay, I admit it.
218
00:17:37,470 --> 00:17:42,840
I might have made love to your mother
at the dance, but who here didn't?
219
00:17:43,670 --> 00:17:48,900
Now come on, honestly, who here
has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?
220
00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:58,180
- I haven't.
- You don't count, Halfy.
221
00:17:58,390 --> 00:18:01,010
- You don't have any legs.
- Oh, yeah.
222
00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:07,220
Anyone here could be your father.
I'm afraid you're never going to know.
223
00:18:09,030 --> 00:18:13,520
Don't feel too bad, kid.
I never knew who my father was either.
224
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:17,800
I mean, I knew who he was,
and we had great times together...
225
00:18:18,010 --> 00:18:20,940
Well, hell, you know what I mean!
226
00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:28,980
- Wait, I know a way to find out.
- How?
227
00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:31,810
At my lab, we can do DNA
genetic testing.
228
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:36,350
I'll take blood from you and everyone
here and we can learn who your dad is.
229
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,990
- Really? You can?
- Yes, of course.
230
00:18:39,190 --> 00:18:41,750
The testing will cost a pretty penny.
231
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,990
- How much?
- Three thousand.
232
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:48,930
- I don't have $3,000.
- Oh, never mind.
233
00:18:50,970 --> 00:18:54,200
Dude, I can't wait
to win that $ 1 0,000.
234
00:18:54,410 --> 00:18:58,810
- I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart.
- I'm gonna buy a Walkman.
235
00:18:59,010 --> 00:19:00,840
- Hey, guys.
- How's it going?
236
00:19:01,050 --> 00:19:04,920
Fine. How are you guys?
237
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:10,610
- Dude, what the hell is wrong?
- Nothing. It's just, nothing.
238
00:19:10,830 --> 00:19:14,280
- What's the matter?
- I wanna know who my dad is...
239
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:18,960
...but to find out, they have
to do DNA tests and they cost $3,000.
240
00:19:19,170 --> 00:19:23,870
- And I don't have $3,000.
- Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore.
241
00:19:24,070 --> 00:19:28,480
Yeah, it sucks. I have to know
who my father is, I just have to.
242
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,540
Maybe I can work in a
sweatshop for a while...
243
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:35,650
Well, see you guys.
I'm gonna go play in my back yard.
244
00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:39,580
- We know how you can get $3,000.
- You do?
245
00:19:39,790 --> 00:19:43,550
We're in the finals
for America's Stupidest Home Videos.
246
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:47,250
If we win, we'll give you 3,000
of our $ 1 0,000 prize.
247
00:19:47,460 --> 00:19:50,300
You will? Wow, you guys are the best.
248
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,690
- Thanks, you guys.
- Yeah.
249
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:56,060
And now back to
America's Stupidest Home Videos.
250
00:19:56,270 --> 00:19:59,500
- What kind of video did you make?
- You'll see.
251
00:19:59,710 --> 00:20:02,640
It's time to crown the $ 1 0,000 winner.
252
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,840
It's down to three videos.
253
00:20:05,050 --> 00:20:08,540
First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat
on Master's Head."
254
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,740
I'm a little dog.
I'm just a little dog.
255
00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:15,220
But I've gotta put a hat
on my master's head.
256
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:22,060
Now, our second finalist,
"Little Boy Has a Tea Party."
257
00:20:22,260 --> 00:20:25,160
Polly Prissypants,
you are my best friend.
258
00:20:25,370 --> 00:20:27,960
Thank you, Eric.
259
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:31,630
Boy, looks like this kid
needs some therapy.
260
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,140
We're sure to win, Cartman.
Then you'll get your DNA money.
261
00:20:34,340 --> 00:20:40,080
I am so pissed off right now.
262
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,080
They laughed hardest at our video.
We're gonna win!
263
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,850
And, finally,
"Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."
264
00:20:47,050 --> 00:20:53,050
I'm such a cute little kid. I wonder
if I can get this go-cart started.
265
00:20:58,370 --> 00:21:02,560
I hope I don't get hit by a train.
I sure did.
266
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:07,310
- Oh, my God, they taped killing Kenny!
- You bastards!
267
00:21:07,510 --> 00:21:11,210
Now, that's what I call a joy ride.
268
00:21:11,410 --> 00:21:16,440
And the winner is, naturally,
"Little Boy Being Hit by a Train."
269
00:21:17,050 --> 00:21:18,780
- Dude, we lost.
- Damn it!
270
00:21:18,990 --> 00:21:24,720
I am going to f* *king
kill you guys, seriously!
271
00:21:24,930 --> 00:21:26,760
Take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
272
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,260
- I won, I won.
- Grandpa!
273
00:21:29,460 --> 00:21:35,100
Our other finalists will get $3,000
runner-up prizes. See you next time.
274
00:21:35,300 --> 00:21:39,330
Hear that? We get $3,000.
That's enough for your DNA tests.
275
00:21:39,540 --> 00:21:44,480
Kill you guys.
Kill you guys!
276
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,980
From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed
down Eric's possible father...
277
00:21:52,190 --> 00:21:57,020
...to the people in this room:
Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo...
278
00:21:57,230 --> 00:22:00,320
...Mr. Garrison, Ned,
Chief Running Water...
279
00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:03,860
...Gerald Broflovski, myself,
my friend Kevin...
280
00:22:04,070 --> 00:22:06,970
...or the 1 989 Denver Broncos.
281
00:22:07,170 --> 00:22:09,970
I knew Cartman's mom was a slut,
but goddamn!
282
00:22:10,170 --> 00:22:12,470
The results are in this envelope.
283
00:22:12,670 --> 00:22:17,840
- Shall I open it?
- Yes, for God's sake, get on with it.
284
00:22:18,050 --> 00:22:21,500
The father of Eric Cartman
is indeed someone in this room.
285
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,150
- The father is...
- Who is Eric Cartman's father?
286
00:22:25,350 --> 00:22:28,950
Is it Chief Running Water?
Or is it Chef?
287
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,750
Is it Mephisto,
or that little monkey guy?
288
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,430
- Or is it Mr. Garrison?
- No, he's gay.
289
00:22:35,630 --> 00:22:39,690
- You go to hell and you die!
- Is it Jimbo?
290
00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:42,890
- Or is it Officer Barbrady?
- Huh? Where?
291
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:45,130
- Or could it be Ned?
- Could be.
292
00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:48,600
- Or Mr. Broflovski?
- Dad, how could you?
293
00:22:48,810 --> 00:22:51,870
Or is it the 1 991 Denver Broncos?
294
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:56,040
The answer is coming on an all-new
South Park in just four weeks.
295
00:22:56,250 --> 00:22:58,780
What? Son of a bitch!
24214
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