Original subtitles

('STRANDED' BY THE SAINTS)

♪ Like a snake calling on the phone

♪ I've got no time to be alone

♪ There's someone coming at me all the time

♪ Yeah, babe, I think I'll lose my mind

♪ 'Cause I'm stranded on my own

♪ Stranded far from home

♪ Alright

♪ Stranded. ♪

(PANTS)

(DENTIST'S DRILL WHIRRS) (MAN GROANS)

(GROANS)

You can rinse now, Mr Jones.

And we can move on to the crown preparation.

Very good.

Make an hour appointment in two weeks.

(WHIMPERS)

Someone dropped this off for you.

Oh. Give me a minute, please, Linda.

Sure.

Yes, I'm afraid.

Oh, thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Lovely day. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, you're the dentist, aren't you?

I'm Adam. Apartment 3.

Ah. I see.

I... I am a dentist, yeah.

MAN: Oh, look who's home!

Hello!

Mwah!

Just rode the lift with the dentist.

Oh, did it speak?

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh! (INHALES SHARPLY)

(PLAYS PIANO AWKWARDLY)

(STOPS PLAYING)

Oh, I wish I was musical.

I don't want to play for Dad's friends tonight.

Then you don't have to.

(GUESTS LAUGH)

So, I get out my BlackBerry, OK?

And I Google, and in less than 30 seconds,

I run it through international directory.

I find a phone number. This woman answers the phone.

So I ask her.

I said, "Do you feed your swine on an exclusive diet of acorns

"to make the prosciutto that costs 150 bucks a kilo?"

And?

Well, she's Italian, Terry. She doesn't speak a word of English.

(GUESTS LAUGH)

So, I get out my backup BlackBerry.

OK? Oh. Oh, oh, yes.

"Steve, why do you need two BlackBerrys?"

Well, point, OK?

So, while I've got the old farmer on the line,

I found out the Italian word for 'acorn'.

OK? (GUESTS LAUGH)

I find it's 100% acorn-fed. I bought two kilos of the shit!

(GUESTS LAUGH)

Honey. Honey. I'm just getting drinks.

No, j-just... smile for...

Go on, it's funny!

Come on! Come on. You're going to love this.

Now, you all know that my wife is a dentist.

Go on. Give them a big smile.

Please.

Huh? (LAUGHS)

(OTHERS LAUGH TENTATIVELY)

I mean, have you seen anything...?

Oh! Suzy...

Oh! Oh, it's priceless.

Is that enough?

Yeah, that... that's enough.

Yeah, 'cause... (OTHERS LAUGH)

Suzy, are you alright?

I work out. I'm quite strong.

(GUESTS CHATTER WITHIN)

Steve? Steve. Mate.

Steve. Mate. Mate, mate, mate.

I think Suzy's leaving.

Yes, mate. She does some night work for the tooth fairy.

(WOMEN LAUGH HYSTERICALLY)

The toothless... Mate. Mate, mate.

(LAUGHS)

She's got bags and the kids - both the kids. They're in the car.

(ENGINE REVS OUTSIDE)

(CAR REVERSES)

(CAR SPEEDS OFF)

Shit!

(LIFT WHIRRS)

(THUMPING)

(RATTLING)

(STRIKES MATCH)

(WHISPERS) Elvis?

ELVIS: Mum?

MUM!

7:30. Better get going.

OK.

How come you slept in here?

Oh, my silly old li-lo had a hole.

Um... are we getting our stuff from home today?

(CAT MIAOWS) Morning, Potter.

What are your plans for today?

Bit of laying around, doing nothing?

Go off to your catty gym, have a coffee with your pussy mates?

Nice not having to work.

(SCRUBBING)

ELVIS: What's that?

This is where I fell yesterday.

Where you lost your tooth? Mm-hm.

Oh. I have a very wiggly tooth.

Ooh! Upper incisor. Very good.

Same as yours. But... yours won't grow back.

Nope. Mine's gone forever. (CHUCKLES) Let's go.

Come on.

Kids, I'll meet you in the car.

CHILDREN: OK.

Please let us be happy here.

Please.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Oh!

Who are you?

This is my apartment.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Right. It's fuckin' bright.

You shouldn't be in here. This is private property.

(PUFFS) Sorry. I didn't understand what you just said.

Oh, this... you... you're trespassing.

Hmm.

Uh, I'll take you down to the foyer.

OK?

It's... this way.

Oh, look. Here's the lift.

Ding!

This way.

(GROANS)

I could do with a cup of tea.

A hot bath and a nice, soft bed. (CHUCKLES) How about you?

Those are night things. It's daytime, so...

Oh.

I did not know that.

What, you can't have a cup of tea during the day now?

Yes. Well, tea's different, but...

It was just the whole package that you said.

It was a night-sounding thing.

Of course.

Who are you?

I'm Suzy Darling. Suzy... (CHUCKLES) ..Darling.

Well, Suzy Darling...

..your tags are showing.

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Come on, kids.

Thanks, Jonks.

Yes, it's a mess. I'm a mess.

Steve, you didn't notice her packing?

Well, do you know where she's gone?

It's all in an email. An email?

Mm-hm. Want to read it?

Well, if you don't mind.

(SIGHS) Is she coming back?

Oh, Steve, I don't know.

Don't you two share some blood-bond, sister thing?

No.

Can I show you the bedroom?

Um... sure.

I never saw it coming, Jonkers.

I mean... am I a blind man?

It's a good experience to go through, the process of losing a tooth.

Now I can talk to patients from a first-hand perspective.

Yeah. And open wide.

Mm-hm.

Close together.

I suppose you can also talk to patients

about leaving their husbands in the middle of the night now too.

Stephen rang this morning. He told me everything.

Ah. You're staying in a new apartment?

Uh-huh.

Perhaps you've been planning this for a while.

That's why you bought the apartment in the first place.

Escape route? Uh.

You're smart. (CHUCKLES)

Uh-huh. Yeah.

OK.

Linda...

..did you make an appointment with the prosthodontist?

Yes. Great.

I'll courier this right away. Mm-hm.

Just, uh...

..just make sure you're the wolf,

not the pig.

Thanks for that.

OK.

I know.

Never make the mistake of treating your assistants as your friend.

I know. I get it.

(SIGHS) It's just sometimes she's so nice.

And today is hard.

MAN: Oh!

(PANTS) Thank fuck I found you.

How did you get in here?

Uh... I think I'm going to need your help.

Need my help? Yeah.

OK. Need my help.

Are you in any, um, pain, or...

Interesting. No.

No. No pain. Um...

OK. Can I call someone for you? I have a phone.

Look, I could make some calls for you.

Or... do you need some money? 'Cause I've got some money in...

I don't know what I need! Mm-hm.

Sorry. Um... the thing is...

(CHUCKLES)

..I don't know what the fuck's going on.

Mm-hm. OK.

Can you tell me your name?

Ah. No.

Go on. I don't know... my...

I don't know my own name!

That's...

A dentist. You're a dentist? Yeah.

If you're a dentist, why have you got a missing...?

Listen - I can call you a taxi, I can...

..uh, I can give you some money.

You've got an accent!

Look, I'm going to help you. I'm going to make some calls.

OK?

Where the fuck am I?

Uh, in a dental surgery.

In Sydney.

Sydney? Australia.

Au...!

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh. Oh, this is my husband. It's my husband.

OK?

I'm going to take this call.

Well. Round one - Suzy. Almost 24 hours and no call.

Oh, Steve. Thank you for calling.

Something strange is happening to me.

Really? Do you have any idea what today was like for me?

I mean, today my world fell apart.

OK? I mean, I cried in front of teachers, shopkeepers.

Someone even bought me a cappuccino

because I was crying in the cafe today, Suzy.

Yes. It must be hard for you.

Well, your sister came round today.

I mean, she's gonna start coming around all the time if you're not here.

That means I have to talk to her.

Suzy? Steve.

I'm listening.

Just... give me something!

I don't think we love each other anymore.

STEVE: Love? TELEVISION: Shoot It. Shoot It!

Did you say "love"?

(CHUCKLES) You are a classic!

I mean, really, how old are you?

Why do you want to stay married to me?

OK. OK.

Well, can I think about this?

'Cause it does seem like an important point,

and I want to get it right, OK?

So, can I get back to you on it?

SUZY: I'm going.

(NERVOUSLY) How did you get in here?

Look, I need your help.

You're scaring me now.

If you frighten my children... ELVIS: Mum.

..I will kill you, OK? I just need...

Elvis! Elvis, stay in the living room, please.

Go back to the living room.

Suzy. He can't see me.

What?!

Can you, son? Huh?

You can't see me. You can't hear me.

ELVIS: Mum, what's wrong?

What's wrong? Oh. (DROPS KNIFE)

I just got a fright.

Sorry. Should I call Dad?

No, no, no, no. No. I just saw a cockroach.

I hate cockroaches.

Look, I'm gonna go, OK?

I'll come back later, when your kids are asleep.

No. Stupid. I'm sorry.

OK. Um...

Why don't you get your clipboard? Shopping list - baits.

Yeah. OK.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh! Oh...

Thank you for coming. That's OK.

Goodness. Hugs. That's nice.

It's very sterile, but it definitely has potential.

I like it.

Hey, um, Mum told us you used to be a goth.

That's right. I've got the photos to prove it.

And in here, I still am.

Miss Take says sometimes grown-ups just stop being in love with each other.

Oh. Did you tell your teacher?

Dad told her.

He came and saw her at lunchtime and told her.

Oh.

I, um, had to go and see the counsellor today.

Dad rang the school.

Missed PE, though. That was pretty good.

It's getting late. Better hop off to bed now.

Our new beds? Mm-hm.

Yes!

Yep. Brush your teeth. 10 seconds on each and every tooth.

"Hypnagogic illusions".

Aha. "Caused by deep-onset stress.

"Characterised by a sense of reality

"to the appearance of improbable objects such as animals and people."

How many times have you had the hallucination?

Three times. And it was always a cat?

Yep.

Cats represent fear.

Fear of sexuality. Hmm.

The repressed feminine. Oh.

You know what you're doing?

Throwing away your marriage. Jonquil...

Why does someone walk away from a great life? I don't get it.

Mmm. (SIGHS) Oh, I'm tired.

'Night.

Yep.

'Night.

MAN: It's me.

They're all asleep.

Illusion, please go away.

You know what? I'd like to, but I can't.

I've tried, but I can't.

Oh, what has this got to do with me?

I don't know.

But it does because you are the only other human being

that can see me and hear me.

Apparently, to everyone else... I'm invisible.

You may just be an hallucination triggered by my high stress levels.

I... I've just left my marriage.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not a hallucination.

How do you know that?

Because...

..when you're not here,

I still am.

What is that?

This?

Yeah.

(WHOOSHING)

Oh!

(BOTH GASP)

What was that?!

My name.

It's Henry.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I'm fine.

Good for you.

Do you have any moisturiser?

Yes, I do.

(GROANS)

(EXHALES)

God?

Morning. Tea's up.

WOMAN: (GRUNTS) Oh, I've had a terrible night.

Mrs God!

Feet are so cold, honey.

Cold. That's creepy.

You should have put your socks on!

I'll try this, then.

(RUBS FEET) Eugh!

(SIGHS) Where's my dentist?

Hello, puss. (POTTER MIAOWS)

(MIAOWS)

(MIAOWS) No!

Hold your horses.

You can see me. (CLICKS FINGERS)

(PURRS)

You beautiful little bastard!

(LAUGHS)

I am here!

I fucking exist!

SUZY: Mrs Lucas.

There's a cat who can see me.

Yes, indeed. How are you, Mrs Lucas?

Well, thanks. (CLEARS THROAT)

Can I ask you a question?

OK. Let's have a look.

Anything like this happened to you before?

No. Um...

It's... just a check-up, Linda?

Yes, Doctor.

So, when something magical and extraordinary lays itself at your feet,

what, you just snap on your little plastic gloves and clean teeth, do you?

Doctor? Oh. I'm sorry.

It's just a check-up. OK.

This is insane!

MRS LUCAS: Ow! Ooh, sorry!

And terribly sad.

I'm outta here.

Lovely.

It's really lovely, Mrs Lucas.

Your lower right five...

Mm-hm. Yeah. Lower right five.

Clear and present.

Lower left third molar is horizontally impacted.

Recommend, um...

..extraction.

Um, uh, recommend extraction.

(TELEVISION PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

HENRY: It's only me.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

That TV is extraordinary.

It's like having a cinema in your home.

It's called a home cinema.

Oh. Is it?

Clever.

Uh, listen, Suze, um...

..I've been thinking about what's going on here, and, um...

..I think I might be a time traveller.

No, see, I think I might have been sent here

from, you know, another era

and something's gone wrong in the whole time-travelling process

and now I... I can't remember my mission.

So, maybe the... maybe that medallion is some sort of key to the mission.

Where did you get it? (CLEARS THROAT)

I've had it since I was a kid. I don't know where I got it.

No. I don't want to go to that place again.

But, listen, Suzy -

what if that was the future?

Maybe I've been sent here to... to change this - this present -

so that that can never, ever happen.

Do you get me?

You and I could be sitting at the very crux of human history.

(CHUCKLES) We could hold the fate of mankind in our hands.

ELVIS: Mum, what's for dinner? I'm starving.

Oh, dinner's almost ready. Don't spoil it!

Are you alright? Yes.

It's just that you were kind of talking to yourself.

I'm singing. (CHUCKLES)

(SINGS) ♪ Humming... ♪ While I cook.

He's always hungry.

(SIGHS)

So...

..you and I, um...

..we're going to save humanity from itself?

Mmm.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

STEVE: Remember me? Your husband?

There may be another explanation.

Yep. Let's hear it.

That you died and now you're a ghost.

That's fucking ridiculous.

The 70-inch, full HD!

ELVIS: Hi, Dad.

Hi, mate. Hey?

Hi, sweetie-pie. Mwah!

Hello. I'm a traveller, of sorts.

Just using this as my base for the moment.

I like it.

Are you cooking?

Yeah.

Can't even look at me.

15 years, Suze, and I gave you everything.

Everything you ever wanted.

And now you've just taken that on a whim.

It's not a whim.

Well, what do you call it?

(CHUCKLES)

Look at you!

You're pretending everything is just... just normal.

This is crap!

(PLATE SHATTERS)

Oh, I-I didn't mean to do that.

I... I had no idea I was going to do that, OK?

I'm just sort of out of my head, OK?

So, how long's your lease?

I bought it.

Bullshit.

Suzy, you realise...

..you're making a very big mistake.

I don't think so.

You're going to end up a lonely old lady.

No-one is ever going to love you.

Thank you, Steve.

I cannot understand why you left.

When was the last time we had sex?

SUZY: Oh. I think you should go now. I was trying to remember.

Was it two months or was it three months ago?

Well, I think you're sorted out in that department.

I only had sex with other women

because my wife won't have sex with me.

This man's a knobhead.

You're a knobhead.

I'm a knobhead?

I think you'd better go now, Steve.

ELVIS: Come on, Mum. Hurry.

Oh, um... (SIGHS) You go up.

I've forgotten the milk.

OK.

Nothing.

It doesn't work, apparently, without both of us.

I-I don't know how I can help you.

Look at these cars.

I've never seen cars like these before.

You've got to get me to an airport. Take me home.

I need to get to a... proper continent!

OK. OK. Let's go. Get in.

Good.

What is that smell?

It's forest fresh.

(WHOOSH!)

Mmm! I like it.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Come on. Get in. We'll try again.

(GETS IN)

(WHOOSH!)

(GRUNTS)

Come on! In you hop.

(CHUCKLES)

I can't get through it!

Come on! It's the fog!

JONQUIL: Suzy?

What are you doing?

Hello. I'm doing an experiment.

Good.

(SIGHS)

I'm stuck here. (WHISPERS) Sorry.

(PURRS)

(MIAOWS)

(SIGHS)

(MIAOWS)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(SIGHS, CHUCKLES)

(WHOOSH!)

(MIAOWS)

(PANTS)

(MIAOWS)

(MIAOWS)

(WHOOSH!)

Whoa! Ooh!

Sorry! Uh...

(SIGHS) OK. OK?

Oh. That's clever.

But until you find the time machine, you just have to behave like a normal person.

Yeah. A shut door is a shut door.

Uh...

Listen, um...

..you were right.

There is no time machine.

I'm dead.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's, uh...

Thanks.

It's just not exactly what I expected.

Life is full of surprises.

Not really life that's surprising me,

Suzy Darling.

No. (CHUCKLES)

So, where are you off to?

'Cause I can't cross the fucking road.

I'm getting ready to go out and have a drink with some friends of mine.

So, it's... Might be late, actually, so, um...

Mmm. Why so nervous?

Uh, I'm not nervous. Yes, you are.

Um, well, it's the first time I've gone to see them as just me.

I only know them from... through my husband.

Ex-husband.

Well, don't take any shit from them.

That's all.

You strike me as being a... a good person,

and I bet arseholes have an easy time of you.

Oh, I'm not so sure about that, but... thank you.

No problem.

WOMAN: Look, it's not that we don't like you.

We really, really like you. And we're going to miss you.

It's just I believe in clarity in relationships.

So we hope you understand.

Well, yes.

You choose Steve as your friend, not me.

Oh, when you put it that way, it sounds so awful!

But I'm more than happy for you to still be our family dentist.

Ditto. John and I are devastated by this break-up.

You know, once Steve played me a message

that you left him on his voicemail.

Really?

Well, how funny is Steve?

Steve wanted me to know that you and your husband call me 'the robot'.

Steve thought it was funny.

Suzy, you mustn't take these things seriously.

Oh, you were never my friends.

I am a very good dentist,

but if you make an appointment with me, I will destroy your teeth

in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine.

Wow.

MAN: Bad day?

Yes.

Want some music? Thank you.

Oh, no. Sorry. I've given you the wrong address.

I've just moved. Sorry.

No difference to me.

Where do you want to go?

Can you drive away now, please?

(PHONE RINGS)

How beautiful was that?

(SUZY HANGS UP)

(SIGHS)

Arseholes? (CHUCKLES) Yep.

Oh, what a day!

(CHUCKLES) In-fucking-deed.

It's just... I don't know who I am anymore.

Well, that makes two of us.

(CHUCKLES)