Original subtitles

And five, four, three, two, one, time.

Six saltines in under a minute can't be done. It's like concrete in here. That's

what they said about the two -minute mile.

Nobody's ever run a two -minute mile.

Watch and learn, Chi -Chi. Okay.

And go.

Six saltines all at once, you're smoking crack, dude. If you want to get kooky,

you could do five and one, or four and two, but six altogether, you're just off

the grid. Although I must say, you are dominating those saltines. Terry

is bitch -slapping these crackers.

You're going to do it. You're going to... 45 seconds. Wow.

That's amazing.

The saltine challenge is, in fact, no challenge whatsoever.

Pay up. Okay.

There you go. How do you do it? I have a wet mouth.

Super wet.

You know, it's the saliva that allows you to taste food, which means food must

taste great to you. It does. It tastes great. I really enjoyed my lunch today.

Okay. I ask this next question with all due respect.

Which means you don't. If someone is born with a wetter mouth than the

person, does that mean they are more likely to be plus -sized because food

tastes better to them? Or if you're born plus -sized, maybe you're genetically

born with a wetter mouth, which makes food tastier, which keeps you plus

Hmm.

Makes you think. Yeah.

It's a real chicken or the egg scenario, isn't it?

Head up.

At least it stopped raining.

Holy shit, what is that, a llama?

An alpaca.

What's the difference? A llama is bigger with longer ears, and alpacas get stuck

in swing sets.

What are you, an expert?

Google. The owner said that the alpaca got stuck up there, and now she can't

navigate her way down.

Why don't you just harness it and lift it up?

Yeah, we try. Why? Because of the sharp teeth and claws?

Oh,

oh, oh.

Can't we sneeze it on? When they're threatened, they spit. No kidding. Dude.

I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the spit.

It's actually a gastric goo. The bigger the threat, the more they reach down

deep into their tripart stomach and just... It's really gross.

Oh, you got a tripart stomach, right?

Hey, now what are you going to do, huh?

That's like gasoline.

That's a shot.

Hey, ask Google how to make it stop.

Love.

That's what I needed to hear.

I need you to come back up and help distract this thing.

How am I going to do that? Show your muscles. Come on.

Hey, pretty girl.

You look so soft.

I just want to pet you all over.

It's not one of your divorcees, okay? That's not going to work.

I got an idea.

No, no, Chief.

Chief, you don't want to do that.

Hey, buddy.

You got a lot of spit in your mouth?

Hey, buddy.

Yeah, I bet that dries that mouth right up.

All right, get the harness. Get the harness.

Yeah, I got it. I got it.

What we've really established is that your mouth is wetter than a llama. It's

alpaca, and you owe me 20 bucks.

Selected from the llama.

Check it out. Package from the alpaca lady.

Ooh, an alpaca?

I can still smell that gastric goo.

As a show of thanks, she is providing us a $500 gift certificate for alpaca

fleece goods.

Whoa! And they are soft.

Yeah.

Alpacas.

Surely.

Oh, soft.

Surprisingly soft.

So soft.

Super soft.

These mamas are soft.

Hey, wait a minute.

Do they kill alpacas for their fur?

Like, sadly, they do.

Disgusting.

Ooh, but so soft, though. They make scarves, mittens, hats, sweaters, rugs,

jumpers. Ooh, I want a jumper. I used to have a pair of alpaca booties once.

Booties, huh?

Mm -hmm. I'm a foot guy. And they really help with those operative foot

massages? I never let anybody touch my feet, except for my mom, obviously.

So what are we going to do with the gift certificate?

Are we going to split it? I'm thinking station tournament of champions.

Winner takes all.

Whoa! Yes. You haven't had that in ages.

That's what I'm saying. It's raining outside. Things are slow.

Let's do this.

Hey, you guys follow that alpaca report?

Already done. Now we're about to do a station tournament of champions. Ooh.

Okay. What's the prize?

You get a $500 gift certificate for alpaca fleece goods.

Oh. Oh, hey. This is nice.

Wow. This is really soft.

I mean, like, soft. Right? Yeah, yeah. How do I look? It looks a little small.

What's the first event?

Frostbite challenge, bitch.

Oh. Let's light it up, Sparky.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Steve hates us. You're aggressive, don't you?

How do you like it?

Nordic Viking power!

Well,

look at Andy, though. He can't thank you.

Oh,

my God. Pack up first.

Look at his little baby arms. He's got no meat on them. That's the problem.

Hey!

Is this how you spend the taxpayers' money?

Councilwoman, how are you?

What's all this? This is the frostbite challenge.

Oh, is this one of those viral things? I've been watching the Pittsburgh Police

Department sing the Hamilton songs on a loop.

Good PR.

No, it's not PR.

Charity? Nope. It's raining out, so we were just having some fun.

Cool. Cool.

Can I talk to you in your office?

Now? Yeah, now, Chief.

You sure?

Really sure.

So now.

Chief, right now. All right. You got this. You got this. Don't worry about

We meet again.

Date infection.

Date infections are next week.

All ready for everybody?

All TFD stations are getting assessed.

The city council wants to improve our ratings so that the state increases our

budget. Oh, well, we've always had great ratings.

The council's concerned they might drop.

Why? You're a new chief with a track record for fun and games, which was just

confirmed for me. That's just a morale thing, bonding, you know? It's important

for the crew. I'm all for office playtime just as much as the next gal.

Thirsty Thursdays?

My jam.

But I'll be honest.

There are other members of the council that didn't want you to be chief because

they didn't think you were a leader.

Who said that? Was it Tobelson? You were one of the guys for a long time.

Now you're the chief.

Act like one. All right?

Focus on the inspection.

No more games.

Oh, come on.

McConkie.

Your lips are turning blue.

Your lips are white.

What does that even mean? I don't know what it means.

This arm ain't coming out. All right, hey, hey, listen up. We got a big state

inspection next week. We need to focus.

Station tournament of champions is over. Time to button things up, fella. I'm

rooting for you.

Okay. Bye, Ms. Price.

Back on. Like Donkey Kong.

Come on, let's go. Let's go. What? That wasn't all for show? No, it wasn't.

Come on, Juicy Mouse, get back in here.

Come on, we'll throw an extra 15 minutes on the clock for you. Get in here. No,

we got things to do. Like what?

Like we gotta clean and repair the hoses. We already did that, Chief. We

check the SCBAs in the bottle. Chief, I already did that this morning. Get your

arms out of the bucket! Come on, Terry, we've been here 45 minutes already.

This is an order. I want those arms out of the bucket. I'm gonna count to three.

Three, two, one.

Granny's the winner. Oh!

You can't make that call. You can't do that. I can call it, and I did. I'm the

chief. I'm the commissioner of the tournament.

I want that equipment inventory on my desk ASAP, and let's nail this

huh? Come on. Let's go.

Oh, man. Hey!

Come on, Al.

Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

What'd she say to you in there? She said I should stop being one of the guys and

act like a chief. You can still be a chief and have fun. Chief Ratchet was

Chief Bitterman was a lot of fun. No.

Neither of them were fun. Well, then you can be the first fun chief. How great

is that? You just want me to be your playground buddy. Those days are over.

the chief now. Chiefs don't have fun. I need you to respect that.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Chief?

We'll have fun, Perry McConkie. I'll make sure of that.

According to the chair, you got a raw deal on life.

I hope you're hungry, chair.

I hope the chair's not bad on the outside.

You know how valuable this alpaca stuff is?

Like 300 bucks for a sweater. I could sell this stuff on eBay and make a

killing. No, not if I win it first.

Yeah, I told my girl about that alpaca fur, and she is hot for it. She said

she'd do things.

What kind of things?

Soft things.

See, I can't find anything on here about them killing alpacas for their fur.

It just says that they shave them.

Kind of like give them a haircut.

You know anything about that, Andy? What would Andy know about haircuts with his

receding hairline? It's not receding.

thinning there's a difference that's receding brother whatever when i win i'm

gonna send all that stuff back to the alpaca lady and protest for them killing

those beautiful animals for their fleece it's a good cause man you should be

proud of yourself hey you guys seem cheap he's in his office all right let's

the next event oh yeah you know win me some alpaca fur baby no i'm gonna win

that alpaca fur that's impossible because i'm gonna win that alpaca fur

what my girl said first oh i already know because she told me too

Oh.

Didn't you get bounced from the military for having shaky hand syndrome?

Hell no. I wasn't married.

You tried doing hemorrhoid surgery on your sergeant in the middle of a

minefield.

Thank you.

Well, we thank you for your service.

Oh, he's got it.

What are you guys doing?

Nothing.

Andy, what are you doing?

No, don't look at him.

Me, look at me.

Over here.

Andy, over here.

Are you playing Jaws of Light Jenga?

Yeah. Sure looks like it. No.

No. Then you won't mind if I knock over this random stack of blocks, right? Is

that okay?

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay. All right. I say we just stop this. We have an inspection.

The inventory's on your desk.

Hazmat suits?

Cleaned. OSHA checklists? Done.

Rescue ropes, safety belts, harnesses, hooks, rope grabs?

Checked, checked, and checked.

Can I talk to you for a second, Hunter?

Hi, you, him.

Join me?

Clean that up!

I'm supposed to be putting a stop to this. No, you're supposed to be chiefly,

and you are. You know, you're part of the problem. You need to follow orders.

I know, but I've been ragging on you for 25 years. You're married to my sister.

It's weird taking orders from you.

And stop calling me Terry in front of the men.

I'm chief. I'm not Terry. I'm not juicy mouth.

You know what?

You're right.

My bad, chief.

You wouldn't be pulling any pranks, would you?

What kind of pranks?

Prank pranks? Pranky pranks?

Covert pranks?

You said now's not the time.

I've never stopped you before.

I don't know what you mean, chief.

That's right, I'm the chief. You don't prank the chief.

Are you accusing me of something specific here?

No. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. E -Y -L. What does that mean?

Talk to you later.

Huh. Okay.

It's in the wall.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

All right, come with me. I want to show you something.

Come on.

My girl just sent me a picture wrapped in only alpaca fleece, and she is

fooling. Let me see. No, no.

Give me the phone. Maybe I should tell her about how they kill those alpacas

their fur. Maybe I should kill you. Well, well, Granny, calm down. It's

fleece, right?

Yeah. Okay, then. Drink.

What are you guys doing?

Hydrating.

You're doing the most pissed challenge. I never liked that name. But I did want

to invite you to come and join us. I told you no on this. I can't join you.

Terry. Chief.

You are the chiefiest chief there has ever been. Super chiefy.

We're ready for the inspection.

There have been no calls. It's raining. You can't go back to your office because

it's destroyed and it smells like low tide. And you have won the most pissed

challenge every year for the last 20 years. And now there's alpaca on the

Come on, Chief.

Chief! Chief! Chief!

Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief!

Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief!

Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief! Chief!

I got to lay off the supplements.

That's weird. Okay.

Hey,

who's still going? Me. I'm still going. I'm like a camel. This is like milking a

camel. Wow.

It's the best. I told you.

Like I'm spelunking in an underground cave of urine.

You have got to be kidding me. I told you to act like a chief.

I am.

I do.

Your office looks like a cyclone hit it and smells like a turtle aquarium.

Then I find you with your men cheering you on as you pee for them. I don't know

how to take you seriously.

Okay, let's go. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Excuse me, folks.

Hunter is in the pipe. He's been down there for hours. Okay, we'll get him

Hunter! Can you hear me?

He's not responding.

Okay. Granny, why don't you get those folks back?

Got it. Ike, take Hunter's mom over to the trucks, will you? Come on with me,

man. He's very fragile. All he ate today was oat milk with flaxseed.

Okay. His allergist thinks that he might be protein prejudiced.

Oh, okay.

Oh, my goodness.

Come on. Let's go over here. We'll get him.

We'll get him.

Looks a little tight down there for any of us.

Is she gone?

Is my mom gone?

Yes, son. She's in the parking lot.

Good. I'm sick of that a -hole.

All right, let's not talk about mom like that.

You ever have to eat black seed?

Hunter, we're here to get you out.

Set it down.

Kid, you got a BB gun down there?

Oh, hell yeah!

God, this kid is an asshole.

Here, Andy, you're on rope, dude. Oh, thanks, Cap.

Hunter, stop shooting at my men!

Then leave me alone!

Chief, the water table's pretty saturated from the rain. If we don't get

kid out of here, the water's gonna rise up in this pipe.

All right, Hunter, listen. Will you let us pull you up?

You can vape in the fire truck and shoot it for your YouTube channel.

Chief, that's irresponsible.

I'm not gonna let him vape in the fire truck. I also want 50 bucks!

For what?

sat what's he talking about it's a video game for 50 bucks i can get the elf

queen to take off her royal panties oh what kind of video game all right 50

bucks it is in advance send it down douchebag oh my god this kid okay

got any cash you got cash what are you kidding me andy you got cash yeah i got

like 25 bucks but i was gonna buy my mom a turtleneck okay cool

There we go. All right. There we go. A little bit. Here he comes. Almost there.

Easy. Easy. There he comes. Easy.

There he comes.

Got a big fish here.

All right. There he is.

Hunter. All right, buddy.

Good job, buddy.

All right.

Go and vote, bitchin'. That's for a hundred bucks.

All right, you get the rest when you act happy to see your mom, okay?

Fine. All right, great. Check him out. Hey, man, show me that elf princess.

How you doing?

Hey, come on.

I'm sure he's fine. He's just a kid. Fuck off.

That I'm good.

Since I was doing something with that bread, I was already turtling.

Yes, Lorraine, the city takes pride in its first responders. I have no doubt

they'll get the job done.

Oh, my baby.

We are going straight to wholesale foods, and you can pick out any soy pop

flavor that you want.

Nice work.

It's kind of free publicity.

Always a plus.

Are you suggesting we should put more kids in pipes?

I would never suggest such a thing.

Unless you think it would work.

Excuse me, Chief.

Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted to say, tremendous leadership out there. Just a

pleasure to serve alongside you every day, and it's an honor.

Thanks, Ike.

Chief, per your request, we are packing up those trucks ASAP.

Thank you, Andy. Chief, I know you don't really consider yourself one of the

guys, but the men really respected your leadership today.

Okay, okay, I get it. it uh begging your pardon councilwoman saving a kid gets

you a lot of goodwill great optics so you don't need to kiss the chief's ass

front of me just doing our jobs ma 'am and we will be ready for that inspection

great great chief why don't you talk to the news crew i'm sure they'd love to

hear what you have to say i'm gonna let you take care of that because you're so

good at it thank you councilwoman thank you

Now can we finish the Tournament of Champions?

No chance. That's an order.

This is just the two of us here. You know you want to, fun guy. Look, I'm not

the fun guy until I find out what happened in my office.

You still wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

I have no idea, but let me know how that goes, okay? I'm here to help.

So, uh, we're still doing the tourney? Oh, yeah.

What's the next event? Oh, yeah, because I've got some alpaca fleece that is

ready to sell on eBay, baby.

You know what, guys?

I think we should just forget about that prize.

No, because I'm still going to win.

Yeah, there's nothing to win, Granny.

What do you mean?

I talked to the alpaca lady, and I informed her that we will no longer be

trafficking in her blood -stained items. What?

What? Anyway, before you freak out, think about it, okay?

You're going to feel a lot better about yourself.

Man, we were kidding. They don't kill the alpacas for their fur. They just

them.

Really? Yes. Yeah. We're gross back.

Now I'm freaking out. What am I doing? I'm girl asked about the flea guys.

I Gotta make a return Come on beauty Okay, so that's happening Wow

Oh boy, I found it. I found it.

Oh You put it in the chair. You son of a bitch.

Yeah. Well, I just wanted you to have some fun I'll get a new chair. Now. I

solved the mystery. I solved it. No help from you. Okay. Well fun is fun chief

You're never going to get me again.

Never. Don't you say that to me. I will get you again.

Shit!

Eddie!

Eddie! Chief A, I give up.

Uncle. Uncle? Yeah.

Curtain rod.

Oh, you sneaky bastard.

Fun,

right?

You come see me if you want to have more fun. Not fun.

Come on outside if you want to have fun with me. Just come and wear the fun out,

okay? Fun.

Get out of here!