Original subtitles

♪ It's Christmas Eve and snow is on the ground ♪

♪ Mistletoe and holly all around ♪

♪ Yes, all the world is happy ♪

♪ but since you went away ♪

♪ my Christmas will be just ♪

♪ another lonely day...

Oh, it's cold! I need to pee.

Oh, golly gee.

I'll be right back!

Please stop.

That's your sister! Look.

Don't punch your sister.

Please stop!

All three of you are gonna get in so much trouble.

Hold on.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Do you mind

if I have a word with your kids?

Uh, sure.

Okay, kids, I couldn't help but notice

that your mommy here is trying very hard to keep you happy,

and I just wanted to say that, um, you really should be nicer to her.

Okay?

Because someday she's going to be dead.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

Scrooge gets famous for being grumpy around the holidays,

and I'm not entitled to one little outburst?

-Bye. -Come to think of it,

where are the holiday movies about moms?

I can name a dozen about men, easy.

There's Christmas Vacation, It's a Wonderful Life,

The Santa Clause, Home Alone, Elf,

this one, that one, that guy, this guy,

him, them.

Heck, Steve Martin is some kind of hero

because he spends a few days trying to get home

in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

And what does his beautiful wife get?

You know, the woman at home who's been taking care of the kids,

cooking and cleaning.

Around 89 seconds of screen time.

They need to make a movie about the true heroes of the holidays:

moms.

I was all prepared for my favorite holiday, Christmas.

I'd been planning it since January 1st...

...and I was watching my number one TV program, Zazzy Tims.

And, folks, stay right here, because after the break,

we'll be joined by Chef Emeril Lagasse,

and he's gonna tell us how to cook a beautiful Christmas turkey

with a little Cajun twist.

Bam! Oh, and don't forget,

the annual Zazzy Tims Holiday Mom Contest is upon us.

And you've got one day left to nominate your very own holiday mom

to win an all expenses paid Christmas trip out to Burbank to be a guest on my show.

It's your chance to show your mom

how special she is.

So get those applications in before it's too late.

I don't need this.

-Hey, hon. -Hey.

Oh, my God, you're just starting that?

Honey, it's gonna take me 45 minutes to an hour tops to build this thing, okay?

And Ben and Lucy are gonna love it.

That's a lot of parts. Good luck.

So I'm gonna run errands.

-You need anything? -Nope, I'm good.

Just drive safe.

Hey, the kids haven't mentioned the, um, Zazzy contest to you, have they?

Because I've sent them messages about it.

Um, I definitely did.

Contest?

The Holiday Mom Contest?

Your kids have to submit you.

It's... it's a whole thing.

Did you... tell them to submit you?

I can't ask them to submit me.

That would be cheating.

I want them to want to submit me.

I mean, who cares? It's just a silly little contest.

It's really not that important to me.

I see it.

I see it on your face.

I suppose I could text them one more time.

Couldn't hurt.

♪ Welcome to my Christmas song ♪

♪ I'd like to thank you for the year ♪

♪ So I'm-a sending you this Christmas card ♪

♪ to say, "It's nice to have you here" ♪

♪ I'd like to sing about all the things ♪

♪ your eyes and mind can see ♪

♪ So hop aboard your turntable ♪

♪ Oh, step into Christmas with me, yeah ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, let's join together ♪

♪ We can watch the snow fall forever and ever ♪

♪ Eat, drink and be merry ♪

♪ Come along with me ♪

♪ Step into Christmas ♪

♪ The admission's free ♪♪

Channing is my oldest.

She, her husband Doug and their twins, Lucy and Ben,

live just a few hours away in Austin.

Makes me so happy to have her close by.

She's her own woman now, but I still make an extra stop at Schultz's every year

just so she can have her pfeffernuss.

-Hello! -She loves pfeffernuss.

Hello!

Mom?

- The Christmas tree! - Dad?

- So cool. - Ding-dong.

She hasn't gotten rid of a single decoration since we were kids.

That one's mine.

Hey, don't touch the presents.

Mom?

-I'm here! -Hi, Mom.

Hello!

- Grandmama Claire! - Come here!

I have missed you two so much.

Hey, I thought I heard voices.

- Little Bean! - Oh, hey, Dad!

-Hey. -Hey. Hey!

-Hey, handsome. -Hi, beautiful.

-How are you? Thanks for having us. -I'm good.

-So happy to see you. -I'm gonna squeeze upstairs.

-Excuse me. Keep talking. -Oh, you want a hand with those bags?

-I don't need a hand. I am very-- -Let me give you a hand.

-Nope. Nick, I got it. Nick. Nick. -Yeah, come on. Especially this big one.

- It's too big for you. - You guys...

Hey, you guys haven't heard of this show, um,

the, uh-- So You're a Dancer, have you?

- It's our favorite show. - I got it.

- Here we go. Come on. - I am so relieved,

because I have been wondering...

...what to do with all these tickets that are burning a hole in my pocket

for the So You're a Dancer Holiday Tour,

coming to Houston tomorrow, and we are all going!

Yay!

Here you go, pal. All set?

-Thank you so much. Appreciate it. -All right.

-Thank you. -You got it from here?

Got it from here. I'll take it.

Hey, did anyone find Barnaby?

Who's Barnaby?

Barnaby is the Elf on the Shelf

who is hiding somewhere in or around this very house.

And at night, he flies back to the North Pole and reports back to Santa

on who's being naughty or nice.

Yeah, we-we know how it works, Mom.

We have an elf at home, too.

His name is Sneaky Pete.

Ew, Sneaky Pete?

That's so creepy.

Yeah. Sneaky is creepy.

Okay. Go, go, go, go, go!

-He's hidden very well. -Come on, guys, let's check downstairs

and see if he's down there. Come on!

-And you better hurry. -Let's see if we can find him.

- Yay! - Come on.

- They're so cute. - Where is he? Where is he?

Yeah, they are.

It is so good to see you.

Hey.

Hot, hot, hot, hot! Watch out.

Mmm.

So how are you?

I'm-I'm good. Yeah, you know--

-Are you hungry? -No, I'm okay.

-We-we had some-- -Here, have some carrots.

Okay.

Oh, thanks.

Tell me everything.

My little girl, weight of the world on her shoulders.

Things are a little unhinged right now with the...

No one warns you how the older your kids get,

the harder it is to have an informed opinion about their lives.

That's so great.

No, it's-it's not... not great.

It-It's just, I've never written a murder mystery before.

It's the, it's the trickiest thing I've ever tried to plot and--

I'm sure you will do a good job. You're so smart.

I mean, you know, you just-- you'll make something up.

Oh, that reminds me, um,

I bumped into Julie Sager,

and she said you never reached out to her daughter Alyssa.

I know. I know.

'Cause it-it didn't make, it didn't make any sense what you were asking.

Alyssa writes about the stock market.

I write novels. It's totally different.

Well, okay.

Well, could you at least send her

one of those... free copies?

They're called galleys, and no, they're for trade reviewers.

How do you know she's not one?

'Cause she's not.

Candles.

You've got to smell these candles.

Mom.

That is the scent of dusk.

-No. -Uh, Zazzy Tims--

you know, Zazzy--

well, she did a whole segment on them.

They're called Monochrome candles.

It's a luxury aesthetic.

I'm giving one of these to that Jeanne Wang-Wasserman across the street.

Well, I'm sure she'll love it, Mom.

Thanks.

- Uncle Sammy's here! - He's here!

Uncle Sammy's here!

Yay!

Uncle Sammy's here!

-He's here! -We're gonna surprise him when he comes.

Uncle Sammy's here!

Sammy is the baby of the family.

He lives in Portland with his soulmate Mae-bell,

who we are finally getting to meet.

I'm not going.

What? Why?

For one, I want to go to Los Angeles to see my family.

-You see your family all the time. -And two,

-I-I think we should break up. -Okay.

Is there a third thing?

I know this is not what you expected.

I can't believe you're doing this.

We had sex last night.

I don't really see how that's relevant.

We had sex this morning.

We're young, Sammy. That's what we do.

But I'm in love with you, Mae-bell.

And I think you're great, too,

but... I want more.

What more could you possibly want?

You don't have a job.

I do have a job.

A camp counselor? For three months of the year?

What happened to the other nine?

Mae-bell, listen to me.

You're cool and fun, and I just can't imagine my life without you.

So, please, I'm begging you, don't do this.

♪ Welcome home ♪

♪ Uncle Sammy ♪

-♪ If you want to eat a-- ♪ -Mae-bell dumped me.

- Aw. - I'm a husk of my former self.

I need a cinnamon roll.

- Sorry, Sammy. Come, come. - Come on.

Sweetie...

listen to me.

You are wonderful and fantastic in every way,

and if Mae-bell doesn't see that, well, that's her loss.

Uh, you don't know that.

It's competitive out there.

People have options these days.

Exactly. Options.

Get back out there. Meet new people.

These cinnamon buns taste different.

Take a pottery class.

What's different about them?

She's trying Zazzy recipes again.

You could go on one of those Club Med vacations for singles.

Mom.

That or apply to grad school, you know, open a savings account.

You know, take some time

- to work on you, Sammy. - Mm-hmm.

- Taylor's here! Taylor's here! - Taylor's here!

Taylor's here?

Taylor is my middle child.

-Every year for the past ten years... -Hi!

...she's brought home a different woman for the holidays.

And every year, we act excited...

Hi!

...because we love her, and that's family.

All right, all right, family. Hold up.

Let me introduce you to someone very special to me.

The most beautiful, best emcee in all of Minneapolis...

...my girlfriend, DJ Sweatpants.

-Aw, that's great. -Aw.

Also, you can call me DJ Sweatpants or Sweet-P or...

-Yeah. -...even just Donna.

Mm-hmm.

I told y'all she was the best, huh?

-Welcome to Texas! -Ah!

- Whoo! Yeehaw! - Hi!

- Hey, honey. - I missed you guys.

-Hi. -Hi.

- What's up? - So nice to meet you.

Hi, Channing. Oh, I've heard so much about you.

I missed you.

Wow.

Claire! Let's say hi!

Hi, Jeanne!

- Hi. - Jeanne Wang-Wasserman,

my impossibly perfect neighbor.

One of those people who make you feel like you're somehow always falling short.

Merry Christmas!

You remember my kids, right?

Astrid, Elizabeth,

Marcus, Gar and his sweetheart Diane.

Of course. Hello.

So nice to see you.

Merry Christmas, Jeff.

Nick. Merry Christmas.

It is a merry Christmas.

I see you took my advice

and went sans lawn inflatables this year.

I think I speak for everyone on the block when I say that we all really appreciate

that you decided not to put them up this year.

Oh, well, actually I'm still in the decision-making process, so...

Well, okay.

I better let you all get to your dinner.

- Bye. - Blessings!

-See ya. -Bye.

-Blessings. -Blessings.

See ya.

-Blessings! -Blessings.

Blessings!

Blessings.

Sammy, Doug, go get the lawn inflatables and the air pump out of the shed now.

- Speed walk? - Go.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

-♪ All is calm ♪ -♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Round yon virgin ♪ -♪ Virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ so tender and mild ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪

♪ peace ♪♪

Aw, oh, God!

Beautiful.

Barbaric.

-Hey, Mrs. C. -Hey, Donna.

Inflatables are up.

♪ They say she may be beaten, but I know...

Taylor, feet off the furniture, please.

I just cleaned that table.

I didn't realize Mom's old wooden table was a family heirloom.

Ooh, snap.

♪ Met a man in Beirut...

Channing tells me that you're getting into photography.

Is that true?

Uh, I-I mean, I guess I told her

that I picked up, like, an old camera at a yard sale.

-But, I mean, kind of. -That's so cool.

That's-that's how it starts, the old habit.

Poor Doug.

He's an only child.

No natural defenses against my kids.

I keep expecting he'll build some up,

but at this point, I don't know what it'll take.

Yeah, I don't know if she mentioned it, but, you know, I'm, uh...

was a bit of a shutterbug myself.

Huh.

No, no, she never told me that you were

-a shutterbug yourself. -Really?

So funny. She didn't tell you.

If you ever...

whatever, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here...

Yeah.

...to talk about it with you.

Hey, did I ever tell you I, um...

um, I kissed this guy in high school once?

And he--

I'm gonna go and get some more wine.

-Right now. -Yeah.

Sorry.

♪ Wise men better get themselves together...

So you're a shutterbug?

Hmm?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my God, is that Taylor? - Yeah.

- She looks exactly the same. - I know.

-And there... Sammy. -Oh, oh.

Oh, I didn't recognize him with his glasses on.

- Yeah. - And who's that?

Oh, that is, um, Taylor's old foreign exchange student friend Mia.

Right.

♪ Why not start it up with Christmas Day? ♪

♪ Merry ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry, merry ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry, merry ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry, merry ♪

♪ Merry Christmas...

-Hey, Mom. -Hmm?

Donna is a vegan, and I forgot to tell you.

Taylor.

We're eating sirloin.

I mean, whatever you can make for her is totally fine.

Like, as long as it's vegan, yeah.

Don't mind me.

Mom, did you get the pfeffernuss?

Yes, yes, I did.

It's in the, um, uh...

Just one second.

- Who's that? - Kate.

-She was sweet. -And, uh, she is...?

Oh, Isabelle... I think her name was.

- Who is that? - Patricia. Also sweet.

And who's that?

- That's, um, Rebecca. - She's pretty.

Yeah.

Taylor didn't like her knees.

Oh.

But I bet your knees are very nice knees.

Uh...

Yeah. I mean, they're just...

they're normal knees.

Pfeffernuss!

- And that is...? - Want a cookie?

- Erin. - Thank you.

She was very into conspiracy theories.

Yeah, awesome.

-Oh. -Thanks.

-Who can blame her? -Mmm.

I mean, obviously Taylor,

who apparently broke up with her.

Doug.

- Hey, hon? - Hey.

Do you know where the fire huffer-puffy thing is?

Oh, yeah. It's, uh, in the big basket behind the chair.

Oh, great.

Ah, there it is.

All right. Hey, Doug.

Hey, Nick.

Got the TV working, huh?

Oh, wow.

What's going on up there?

You guys, uh, watching anything you like these days?

Yeah, I only watch PBS documentaries. I don't watch regular TV.

It's all junk.

That's why I love the LBJ documentary that PBS did.

-Uh-huh. -I mean, it's 18 hours.

-Whoa! -Hey, guys.

-Hey. Whoa. -Here they go. All right!

- Hey, dinner's almost ready. - Get over here.

Twenty minutes.

-Twenty minutes? Honey, we're starving. -Aw, Mom, come on.

Okay, ten. Ten.

Sammy, play a little Christmas tune while we wait.

A little holiday cheer.

- Yeah, Sammy. - Liven things up a bit.

- Yeah, Sam. - Yes.

See, this why you guys got to learn an instrument later.

-I know. -So you can do this.

Bring joy and mirth.

-You guys ready? -All right.

-Yeah! -Whoo!

-Let's go! -Come on.

Do it!

♪ On the first day ♪

♪ of Christmas ♪

♪ my true love gave to me ♪

♪ a partridge ♪

♪ in a pear tree ♪

♪ On the second day of Christmas ♪

♪ my true love gave to me ♪

♪ two turtledoves ♪

♪ and a partridge ♪

♪ a partridge, a partridge ♪

♪ I never said I wanted a partridge ♪

♪ in a pear tree ♪

♪ No-o-o-o-o-o-o ♪

-♪ In a pear-- ♪ -Dinner's ready!

Hey! Come on, guys!

- Yay! - Wow.

You know how Mom gets right after she calls us.

- Really good. - Good job, son.

- Come on, guys. - Come on, Samster.

- Last one's a rotten egg. - ♪ Partridge ♪♪

Don't you guys want to hear the whole song?

I would like to make a toast.

Ooh, a toast.

- Claire? - Mom, s-sit down for the toast.

- Honey. - G-Get a glass of wine.

- Get some wine. - Claire, sit. Sit, honey.

-Mom, sit next to me. -Come on, sit down for a minute.

- Come on. Sit. - All right,

-but only for a minute. -Sit. Okay.

- Okay. Yeah. - Everybody have, um, something?

- Kids, you can use water. - Did you get my messages?

- All righty. - Oh, thank you so much, Doug.

Claire, honey?

-The ones, um, you know, about Zazzy. -What?

Claire.

-Yeah, probably. I don't know. -Honey, are you paying attention?

Oh.

Ready?

- Mm-hmm. - I would like to make a toast

to a very special person...

- Mm. - ...somebody that I think is

the heart and soul of this operation,

and somebody that I think embodies the true spirit of Christmas.

Somebody that I really believe...

-Here we go. -Where is he going?

...maintains the Christmas spirit.

-Dad! -Uh-oh.

Somebody who just gives and gives...

- Dad, why'd you leave the room? - ...selflessly.

Some people might call this person a saint.

- What are you up to? - And I'd agree 'cause

- it's Santa Claus! - Yay!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho!

- Santa Claus! - Merry Christmas, everybody!

- Dad. What the heck? - Ho, ho, ho!

- Merry Christmas! - That is so good!

Ho, ho, ho!

-Ho, ho, ho. There we go. -Cheers.

- Cheers to Kris Kringle. - Cheers to Kris Kringle!

Kris Kringle!

-Cheers! -Okay.

To Santa Claus, everybody.

I'm sorry, but why does Saint Nick get all the credit?

The elves make toys in their workshop...

...and the reindeers pull the sleigh.

And nobody mentions what Mrs. Claus does.

I told her I was a shutterbug.

What am I, from the 1930s or something?

It's like I forget how to have a normal human conversation with her.

It's like-- She's really cool.

And intimidating, and I just-- sometimes I just think that she doesn't like me.

She's not that cool.

I mean, guess who didn't order

Mom's Cheese of the Month Club Christmas present.

- No. - She can't be trusted.

So where's the cheese?

No cheese.

George Washington: The Legacy, a 40-hour PBS series

where we will explore the mysteries of the Founding Father.

Were his teeth really wooden--

...American made--

How could you?

No, no, no, no. Not with him.

Look, I mean, it's really nice that she bought the tickets and everything,

but she didn't even ask.

The moves these dancers do,

it's not really suitable for young kids.

There's a... there's a lot of pelvic action.

Yeah.

I mean, should I, should I say we don't want to go?

I-I don't know if I'd... I'd want to say that.

Beddy-bye.

- Let's get in! - Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Doug? You okay?

Sneaky Pete's not creepy.

Not at all.

Barnaby is way creepier.

It's like the name of a serial killer.

Barnaby.

"My name's Barnaby, and I'm...

gonna kill you."

"My name's Barnaby..."

That's scary as heck.

"Barnaby..."

The one thing I really wanted for Christmas.

And I couldn't even get it for myself.

♪ Frosty the Snowman ♪

♪ Was a jolly, happy soul ♪

♪ With a corncob pipe and a button nose ♪

♪ and two eyes made out of coal ♪

♪ Oh, Frosty the Snowman is a fairy tale, they say...

Psst.

Nick, are you up?

Psst.

Nick. Psst.

Are you up?

Hi, honey.

You're awake. I wasn't sure if you were awake.

Yeah.

It's Christmas Eve.

Can you believe it?

Okay.

Everything okay?

No.

I'm pouting.

We missed the deadline.

-To the Zazzy contest. -Oh.

Poof.

-Gone. -Oh, hon, I'm sorry.

I wouldn't take it personally.

I mean, they're our kids.

You've met 'em, right?

I really wanted that trip.

I deserved that trip.

I know, honey. I'm sorry.

You know what?

I'll take you on a trip.

Okay? I'll take you...

take you on a trip someplace like we've never been before, you know?

Like, Florence. Florence, Italy.

He's so sweet, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I'll tell you another place we could go.

Boston, like, where we first met.

Like, Fenway. Fenway Park. You never went there, honey.

No, no. Not for baseball.

Honey, they have concerts there.

The Doobie Brothers are playing there this summer.

See ya, Channing.

- Hey. - Hold up.

Hold up. Remember, we need to leave the house

by noon at the latest if we're gonna make it

-to the dance show on time. -Okey dokey.

Morning.

Hey.

You like this sweater?

-Mm-hmm. -It look okay on me?

-Yeah. Yeah. -What are you working on?

On my book that I am writing that I get paid for.

Gosh, don't you ever get a break?

Surely your book people know it's Christmas.

Damn it. The "little something."

-Hi, Jeanne. -Good morning, Claire.

Happy Christmas Eve.

Happy Christmas Eve to you.

I was out on my walk, and I figured I'd swing by and bring you a little something.

Thank you, Jeanne, and I have

a little something for you.

Oh.

-You go first. -No, you go first.

You go first. I insist.

Hi, Jeanne.

Hi, Channing.

Oh.

-It's a...? -Monochrome candle.

That's what they're called.

Isn't it beautiful?

Smell it.

That's right.

Breathe in the dusk.

Wow, it's lovely, and so many wicks.

I guess now I'll open your "little something."

Wait. Stop.

I just realized, um, that's not yours.

It has my name on it.

Uh, yeah, I have two friends named Jeanne, and this is for the other one.

Mom, you-you just showed me--

And if it's okay with you,

I'll just swing by a little later and give you your "little something."

Okay.

Okay. Okay. See you soon. Bye, now.

-Blessings! Blessings! -Blessings. Blessings.

Oh, that was close.

What was that?

You have a gift for Jeanne. You made me stick my nose in it.

I got her a one-wick candle.

You can't give someone a one-wick candle who got you a three-wick candle.

-It's logic. -Mom, I think it's fine.

No, no.

Get dressed. We're going to the mall.

The-the mall on Christmas Eve?

W-Well, what about the show?

-The twins are so excited. -We'll be quick.

Come on. It'll be...

-Fun. -Mm.

Hi there. Welcome to Crate & Barrel.

Hi. Do you have any candles with more than three wicks?

More than three? It has to be more?

Yes, of course.

-Well, candles are over there... -Okay.

...right by the potpourri.

Sorry.

Oh.

- All right, good point. - Sorry.

We're going to tighten these one-eighth-inch screws,

then fit together the brace brackets...

-Okay, I'm trying. -...with the eyelets,

grommets, rivets, set spacers and mini hex spacers.

You know what I'm talking about.

Easy stuff.

Then we're going to tighten the plastic lattice panel.

You should see that you have installed all 13 posts.

Congratulations to you on that one.

Uh, now, in the next 27 steps...

Hey, sleepyhead.

How's it going? Everything cool? What's up?

Oh, man, I'm still kind of waking up.

Yeah.

Hey, where is everybody?

Uh, Channing and your mom went to the mall, Nick's in the garage,

and Sammy and DJ Sweatpants went to play tennis.

I'm just here working on my world-famous pecan crunch.

That's weird.

Tenn-- They don't even play tennis.

I, um... was curious.

When did you know that you were going to make your life about hairstyling?

How did you know that hairstyling--

Oh, you know, it's so crazy.

Uh, I-I got to go outside,

because I usually do my morning meditation and my sun salutations,

but we'll-we'll catch up.

- I'll see ya. - Okay.

Okay.

-Guys. -Hey, we get here on time?

-Thanks for coming, man. -Yep.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, boss.

-Take a look at this. -What you got?

Believe this?

All day.

All day I been looking at this thing.

Seven thousand million pieces.

We got you.

I need part BP-01.

BP-01.

It's insanity.

What are these, and why are there so many of them?

-The specs have to be off. -Will you please--

If we just put the stickers on it--

Like that's gonna solve everything? Putting stickers on everything?

What is this slide?

The slide goes from one room to the other right there.

-That's how they slide into the pool. -Yeah.

- Hey, honey. - Hi.

-How's it going? -Good.

-The kids? -Huh?

Are-are the kids okay?

They're just doing kid stuff and hanging out.

-Great. -Uh, and I'm just sort of sitting here,

you know, cooking the pecans and just bombing with your sister as-as usual.

Mom's driving me crazy, and it's only the second day.

-Mm. -I can't keep doing this much longer.

I think we really need to have the talk.

It is up to me to break the cycle.

Whoa.

I know. It's... it's scary, but I have to do it.

-Okay, bye. -Bye, hon.

When the cat's away, the mice will play.

Get inside.

-And look at this one. -Oh, my God.

- We'll just go upstairs. - Yeah.

-It looks amazing. -Yeah.

So, when are you gonna tell Donna?

I don't know.

I got to figure out how I'm gonna tell her.

Hey.

Hey, Mom.

Hmm?

There's, um, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about.

Uh-huh? What's that?

Well, Doug and I were thinking-- rather, I was thinking:

What if, next year, we did something else?

What-What's that mean? "Something else"?

I'm not following.

What if we didn't come home for Christmas next year?

What if we did our own thing?

Like skiing.

Skiing?

-You don't ski. -That's my point.

I mean, we don't have to do the same exact thing till we die.

It's a lot having us all home for the holidays.

It might be easier on you if-if you didn't have all this to worry about.

Oh, I see.

So, you're doing us a favor.

Right, and the nice part is everyone can do something they actually want to do.

I mean, Sammy is always saying he thinks Christmas is just a corporate holiday,

and-and Taylor, well, I assume these women she dates have families, too,

and you and Dad could enjoy some quiet time.

-Yeah. -Just the two of you.

What do you think?

Hmm.

I figured she'd already put down the deposit on the old folks' home.

-Sound nice? -You know what I think?

I think we'd better get looking for that candle.

Okay.

Find the candle.

I think I might be one of those people that peaked in the fourth grade.

Like, after the fourth grade, I just stopped being cool.

Feel like a Fruit Roll-Up.

Honestly, Sammy, you just need to be true to yourself.

You'll be fine.

Yeah. That's good advice.

Isn't that one of those neighbors from across the street?

Yeah, it's one of Jeanne's kids.

Her name's Elizabeth.

We went to school together, like, forever.

- She's cute. - Oh, yeah.

Plus she was, like, the best hurdler in the state of Texas our senior year.

And class president.

She's basically perfect.

So what about asking her out?

Get back in the game.

Elizabeth Wang-Wasserman?

That's hilarious.

I doubt she even remembers my name.

Hi, Sammy.

Hey.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

Careful.

It's perfect.

- Next guest. - Oh, no, no, no, no.

We are not waiting in that.

Mom? Mom?

Mom, you can't just take that.

-Excuse me, ma'am! -Mom, you can't take it.

-You have to pay for that! -Happy holidays!

Ma'am, you have to pay for that!

- What are you doing out there? - I was just outside there.

Okay, go back to the kid stuff.

See you later. Yeah.

Just gonna go...

This is illegal.

I'll come back and pay for it later.

Mom, you cannot give Jeanne Wang-Wasserman stolen goods for Christmas.

I-I don't want to alarm you, but those two mall cops are following us.

What do we do?

Run.

Ladies, halt!

-Woo-hoo! -All right, let's keep moving!

Channing, grab my keys.

-My keys. -Where?

They're in my bag. Where else would they be?

-I can't find them. -Oh, my God, are you even looking?

-Yeah, I'm looking. -What is wrong with you kids?

"Where's the peanut butter?" "Where's my gym socks?"

-How about right in front of your f-- -Found 'em.

-Hi. -Hi.

-How are you? Mm, brother-in-law. -Okay.

Uh, I'm gonna go to my room. Merry Christmas.

You, too.

Oh, God!

You want to party, lady?

I'll party.

Mom! Oh, my God!

-Settle down. -Mom.

You're gonna mess with the eagle, you got to learn how to fly.

Mom!

Mom!

All units, all units.

They're multiplying!

The pecan crunch!

No, no. No, no, no, no.

Oh, God.

Whew! That was close.

Oh. Oh. Good. We're making great time.

We'll just grab a little lunch when we get home and head out to the show.

Might even get there early.

♪ It's my life ♪♪

We're gonna be late for the dance show!

Taylor! DJ Sweatpants!

Hey, honey, what do you think? Hat or no hat?

-No hat, no hat, no hat. -Honey, you haven't even seen it yet.

Look, look.

Kids, you go with your mom and dad,

and, Taylor, DJ Sweatpants, we'll go in your car.

Okay, I'm gonna pull my car around.

- Here, take these. - Okay.

-All right. -In case we get separated.

-Which car am I going in, Mom? -Um, either one.

Taylor, we're about ready to go!

You don't want to get left behind!

This could be the last Christmas we all are together as a family, ever!

What is going on with you? Why would you say that?

Now everyone's gonna think you're dying or something.

Oh, no!

Did I just blurt out something worrisome and alarming?

Mom, we can just talk about it!

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

Nobody's seen my shoes?

Taylor, where are my shoes?

Mom, you cannot give Jeanne Wang-Wasserman stolen goods for Christmas.

Damn it.

"A little something."

Doug, how many... how many tickets do you have?

Doug, how many tickets do you have?

I have one, two, three, four.

-I have four. -Okay. All right.

No, I got five. I got five.

We're leaving!

- See you there! - Bye! See ya!

- Let's go. - Bye!

Bye!

Oh, hi. Claire.

Hi, Jeanne.

I just thought I'd pop by and drop off your "little something."

-Here you go. -Oh.

Wait.

Aren't you gonna stay while I open it?

Sure.

Let's go, guys! The first car already left!

- We're gonna be late! - Come on, guys.

- Let's go, let's go. Come on. - Ready.

Ready, ready, ready, ready. Go.

- I made it myself. - Really?

It looks just like the kind they sell at the store.

It seems like you just dumped some out of a metal tin into this bag.

No, I made it from scratch.

From scratch, huh?

Can you share the recipe with me?

Sure.

It's chocolate,

and then you just crunch up a shit ton of candy canes,

and you shake it all up like you're making shake and bake chicken.

Then what?

Then you eat it, Jeanne.

Where is your family going?

♪ Have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Let your heart be light ♪

-Hello? -♪ Next year ♪

♪ all our troubles will be ♪

-Hello? -♪ out of sight ♪

Anybody here?

-Nick? -♪ Have yourself ♪

-Channing? -♪ a merry ♪

♪ little Christmas ♪

♪ Make the yuletide gay ♪

-♪ Next year ♪ -Channing, hey. Channing, over here!

♪ all our troubles ♪

♪ will be miles away ♪

♪ Once again...

Hey. Taylor.

Where's Mom?

Huh?

Where is Mom?

What?

Forget it. I see her.

♪ Faithful friends who are dear to us ♪

♪ will be near to us once more ♪

Mom?

Mom, I'm...

I'm sorry about what I said before.

I mean, not that I said it but that I blurted it out like that.

I...

I should've been more grown up about it and asked to talk to you.

It was inconsiderate, and I'm-I'm sorry.

Oh.

Sorry, lady. I don't speak English.

You're an odd woman.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome the So You're a Dancer... -Okay. Okay.

...Holiday Tour.

Damn, Santa's jacked.

Where's Mom?

Uh, Taylor said you were with her.

No, it wasn't her.

-Oh. -Where is she?

-I don't know. So-- -What do you mean you don't know?

Well, she was, she was in your car, right?

-No, she went with you. -She wasn't in my car.

-She was in your car. -No, she was with you.

-Oh, my God. -Dad, we lost Mom?

-We got to go. We g-- -We got to go.

Hey, guys, Sammy,

-everybody, we got to go. -Come on.

-Taylor, Taylor. -We got to go.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.

-Claire? -Mom?

Honey?

-Check the garage and downstairs, too. -Mom?

Mom?

We got you a promotional tote bag!

And a water bottle.

Grandma?

Anything? Anybody?

Mom?

I had nothing to do with it.

Hell.

Downstairs?

No. And her... her car's gone.

Thirty-five years of marriage,

and I have never lost your mother, not once.

I'm not sure that's quite the triumph that you think it is, Dad,

but... congratulations.

No need to lump us into your sinking ship, Dad.

I mean, we're her kids. She has to love us.

Sammy's right.

You're less of a sure thing.

No offense.

Give her a little bit of time and she'll come back.

Taylor's right. She's making complete sense, okay?

She's gonna come back, and when she does, we will just admit we screwed up,

say we're sorry, we'll own it, and until that point,

I want everybody to just suck it up and act like adults.

I'm in charge now, and I just want rational thinking here, okay?

Everybody, just stay cool, calm and--

What the hell am I talking about?

I can't do anything without your mother.

-Dad? -Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

-Oh, God. -Dad.

Is she gonna come back? Oh, my God.

-All right. -Dad?

-Need some water? -You okay? -What am I gonna do without your mother?

I'm lost without her. What am I gonna do?

♪ Communication is the problem ♪

♪ To the answer ♪

♪ You've got her number ♪

♪ and your hand is on the phone ♪

♪ The weather's turned ♪

♪ and all the lines are down ♪

♪ The things we do for love, the things we do for love ♪

♪ Like walking in the rain and the snow ♪

♪ when there's nowhere to ♪♪

Okay, anybody got to pee?

Anybody got to pee? All right.

Okay, good.

Oh, it's cold! I need to pee.

Oh, golly gee.

So let me see if I got this straight.

A grown woman got in her car, with luggage, and drove away from you

after you forgot her while going to an event she planned?

Yep, that's what happened.

Right. Look.

We see this a lot with moms around the holidays.

Next time, try a head count.

You can give us another call if she's not back by New Year's.

Merry Christmas.

-Thank you. -Bye.

♪ The winter's flaking, snow is brushing...

So, I got in my car,

and now I'm here, sitting next to you,

drinking a very strong cup of coffee.

Being a parent is a wonderful gift, but--

Mm-hmm. But where's the gift receipt?

Excuse me, but I'd like to make an exchange, please.

Nice chatting with you.

Hold on a second there.

-Take my coat. -No. No, no, no.

-I couldn't do that. -I insist.

My own mama would come back to life just to hunt me down

if she knew I let you go out there freezing like that, so...

Thank you.

My pleasure, ma'am.

I need to be worried about you?

Well, nobody else is.

Don't know why it ought to start with you.

Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

What the hell is that?

The same thing we have every Christmas Eve.

We're doing Christmas the way Mom planned it.

-Okay? -I followed the recipe that Mom wrote down

to the letter, so if there's a problem,

you should take it up with Mom...

...'cause it's her fault,

not mine.

Here we go again.

What's that supposed to mean?

Okay, uh... you try to distance yourself from Mom

because your similarities to her trigger a deep-seated sense of insecurity

inside of you that you've obviously yet to confront.

First of all,

if we're psychoanalyzing now,

Taylor, you're a love addict who abandons any shred of responsibility

every time you meet a new woman, which is--

let me check my calendar-- oh, yeah, all the time.

Geez, Channing, don't you think wrecking Christmas is enough for one year

without destroying love, too?

You think I screwed up Christmas?

Uh, yeah, kind of.

"Get your life together, Sammy."

"Apply to grad school, Sammy."

News flash: I got a mommy and a daddy.

I don't need you jammed up my butt playing parent, too.

Well, I'm sorry, but somebody's got to be honest with you,

'cause it's sure as hell not gonna be Mom.

Patting you on your head and stuffing cinnamon buns in your face

and lying to you about how perfect you are!

Are you gonna back me up here?

Channing's kind of right. Mom babies you. It's-it's weird.

I see how it is.

Two against one, right? All right.

-You want to fight? Let's fight! -Yeah, yeah!

-Bring it on! -Come on.

Hey. Hey!

Mustard or ketchup?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop.

Everyone, stop.

-Take you anytime. -Lighten up. It's been a long day, okay?

Let's, uh, all just take a deep breath...

...and go to our happy place, all right?

I-I'll go first.

I'm going to Corpus Christi.

Great tubing.

Feel better already.

Taylor, your turn.

Oh, my God! Doug!

Shut up!

Don't tell Doug to shut up!

No one cares what you have to say!

I try really hard to be your friend.

But no matter what I do, it doesn't seem to be good enough,

and I don't understand what the problem is.

You're boring.

I don't know if I'd say boring.

Maybe I'd say dry, but...

If "small talk" were a noun,

it'd be you.

- "Small talk" is a noun. - We get it.

You write books now, so you think you're smarter than all of us.

Well, guess what, Channing.

Your books are too long, and some of your dialogue's wooden.

"Wah-wah," cries the man baby whose girlfriend dumped him

'cause he's eternally stuck at summer camp.

You leave

Camp Derryberry out of this!

Donna, Taylor had another woman in her room today

while you were out playing tennis with Sammy!

-I saw the whole thing! -What?

- Is-is that true? - Donna--

- Oh, my God, it is true. - Yeah, I-I saw the whole thing.

-I did. -No. What are you doing?

You're mean.

What do you mean there was somebody in the room?

-We were gone for two hours. -No, it's not--

-Donna, it's not how that happened. -Oh, my God.

-Are you kidding? -He's completely misconstruing it.

Listen, listen. Let me tell you.

No, she's mean! She had a woman--

He wasn't in her business all the time--

All right! Hey!

Enough!

Everybody, be quiet.

Nobody utter another word.

You know what? Thank you, everyone.

This entire week has been

the most memorably mortifying experience of my entire life.

Except her because she's a guest, but nobody else utter a word.

God, no wonder you have no siblings.

Loser.

-Donna! -That's not how it works.

You know what? Your mother's right.

You kids, you can't do anything right.

-I should've gone with her. -Screw this.

I'm going to the bar, I'm getting drunk, and I don't want to see any of you there!

Sammy, you can't go to the bar.

-It's-it's Christmas Eve. -No, it's not.

It's just another Tuesday without Mom here doing things for us.

Do you want a ride?

I got my bike.

Okay.

Ow. Damn it!

Come on.

Geez.

I was with my friend Geraldine, who is straight.

She makes really great jewelry,

and I had her make you a ring.

And I was hoping...

I could propose to you with it.

What?

Come on, Donna, you can't listen to Doug.

Nobody listens to Doug.

He's like the weird family ghost that hangs around and haunts us all.

But... it's only been like three months.

I mean, how could you possibly know how you feel--

I have a gut feeling about us, a strong gut feeling.

Here I'm giving your brother relationship advice,

saying, "Be true to yourself, Sammy."

Meanwhile, I'm... not being true to myself.

The truth is I'm actually kind of old-fashioned.

I'm a DJ, but I hate staying up late at night.

I'm a morning person.

And-and I want to date someone without feeling like I'm competing

with the cast of an entire first episode of The Bachelor.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, Taylor.

I thought I could handle you, but...

...I can't.

- Hey. For Donna? - Yes, ma'am.

Please. I'm exhausted.

Are you sure you don't have one tiny little room open?

No, two. Two rooms. Two little rooms.

Okay.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

I am a mother. It is Christmas Eve.

Do you have any idea what that means?

It means that I haven't slept

for more than three hours in a row in over a week.

And I'm a delivery driver on Christmas Eve.

Do you have any idea what that means?

I mean, jingle all the way, but your girl is tired.

Okay.

I always keep one room available

just in case a big celebrity like Ryan Seacrest show up.

But for you, I'll make an exception.

Thank you! Thank you!

- Oh, thank you, thank you. - Go, go.

Uh, you-you mean to share that?

Y-You mean to share it?

Yeah, and?

Well, I will if you will.

-Hey, hon. -Hey.

-Mind if I join you? -No.

-How you doing? -Okay.

Did I ever tell you the story about how me and your mom first met?

Yes. Like a thousand times.

-Oh. -But I want to hear it again.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

So, I was working as a stock boy in this Boston pub called...

Hanrahan's.

Correct.

And I'm... I was such an obnoxious kid.

I just thought I knew everything.

I was always mouthing off and always getting my ass kicked.

And this particular night, I had a big juicy shiner.

I mean, this whole side of my face looked like some kind of swollen ham.

And I'm carrying two cases of paper towels into the cellar,

and I pass the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life.

And she takes one look at me, and she said--

"You remind me of a Picasso."

Exactly.

Yeah, for a second, I'm like, "Who's this Picasso guy?

I want to find him...

beat the crap out of him."

And then I look into those eyes, and I'm just like...

I was done.

I was done in that very moment.

And, uh, the truth is, without her...

...I'd probably still be stocking paper towels at...

Hanrahan's.

Okay, baby. It's all right.

- Dad? - What?

Is that Jeanne?

Is she smoking a cigarette?

Oh, my God.

Your mother would kill to see this.

Where do you think she could be?

I don't know, hon.

Everyone loves Santa, but let's face it, Santa's...

What's your deal, lady?

You forget your kid at home in your mansion,

and now you're on some crazy cross-country journey to make sure

you make it back to them in time for Christmas?

Yeah. Right.

No.

Believe me, I'm trying to get as far away from my family as possible.

Mm.

What about you?

What about me?

Where's your family? You got any plans for Christmas?

Lady...

-...I'm working. -Oh, right, of course.

-I'm sorry. -Are you kidding me?

I love it.

I got my true crime podcast.

I got my solitude.

I even got to see the Grand Canyon, the Carlsbad Caverns

and the world's largest pistachio all in a month.

And I got me some good selfies.

Come on, now! Where they do that at? Okurrr?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, thank God for Shark Tank.

I mean, they rag on Mr. Wonderful, but he's actually got a heart of gold.

Mm.

Hey.

It's midnight.

It's Christmas.

Merry Christmas, lady.

Merry Christmas.

-Good night. -Good night.

Tired. Oof.

♪ I'm trying ♪

♪ I'm trying to...

Alone on Christmas Eve.

♪ Part of the day that I cannot sleep away ♪

♪ I'm trying ♪

♪ I'm trying to ♪

♪ drink away part of the day ♪

♪ that I cannot sleep away ♪♪

I, uh... I have trouble falling asleep.

I like to keep the TV on.

Just-just hearing the voices just keeps me company.

It helps me sleep. I hope you don't mind.

No, no, that's fine.

-Okay. -Good night.

Okay.

...but we're not gonna agree on a valuation, then.

What about a different structure?

I-I need it kind of loud.

Mr. Wonderful, how about we do this?

How about you do 200,000, you make 50% of the profit,

but once you get your money back...

...you drop down to ten percent, and that remains your equity.

Are those...

Is that whales?

Yep. It's for relaxation.

I have to play that, too.

It helps with my blood pressure.

Well, well, well.

Elizabeth Wang-Wasserman, as I live and breathe.

Lizzie.

No one calls me Elizabeth anymore except for my parents.

Okay, Lizzie.

Is this seat taken?

So...

Dive bar. Christmas Eve.

You needed a break from your mom?

Good old Cardigan Queen Jeanne.

Yep.

She makes my mom go mental.

Care Bear Claire has a similar effect.

Care Bear Claire?

Yeah, women get wild when they get old.

Can't wait to see what kind of psycho bitch I turn into.

It's gonna be sick.

You know, this is the longest conversation you and I have ever had.

Despite being in the same class since the third grade.

First, actually.

First what?

First grade.

You sat behind me.

You had one of those horrible, like, turtlenecks that's just a bib, and, like,

you don't-- it's not attached to anything. You just push it in the sweater.

A dickie?

-What? -The little turtleneck things.

Th-They're called dickies.

It's a really unfortunate name for a really unfortunate accessory.

I loved that accessory.

Mm.

I'm doing business school and law school at the same time.

Impressive.

Thanks.

I got fired from a Starbucks once.

Impressive.

♪ At the sun, see...

How come we never, uh, hung out in school ever?

'Cause I didn't want to.

Cool. Glad I asked.

I had a really big crush on you.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

I love this song. Do you know this song?

Yeah, of course. Who doesn't know this song?

I love this song.

♪ It's funny how ♪

-I love this song. -♪ I find myself...

Oh, my God.

-Please dance with me. -No.

-Please. Please, please. -Lizzie.

- No. - It's Christmas Eve!

♪ If I could buy my reasoning ♪

♪ I'd pay to lose ♪

♪ One half won't do ♪

♪ And I asked myself ♪

♪ How much do you ♪

♪ commit yourself? ♪

♪ Oh, it's my life ♪

♪ Don't you forget ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

-♪ It never ends ♪ -♪ It never ends ♪

♪ Funny how I blind myself ♪

♪ I never knew ♪♪

Hey!

Hey, hey! There's someone in here!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle all the way...

Help! Help!

Are you kidding me?!

Hey! Hey!

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse...

No! Stop!

-Wait, wait, wait, wait! -♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ on a one-horse open ♪♪

Can I help you?

Did you not see me in there?

I was in the car that you towed.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Rules are rules.

Here. You want some cash?

-I can give you cash. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Keep your blood money, lady.

You parked in a yellow stripe zone.

Striped like that for a reason.

Now, you can take it up with the parking bureau Monday morning.

-No. Please. -I got to go.

I-I can't wait till Monday.

There's nothing I can do.

Once those wheels leave the ground, out of my jurisdiction.

Now, you have a very merry Christmas, okay?

Can I at least get my things?

Thanks.

So, this year for Christmas, I got a '76 AMC Pacer.

But what did I really want?

♪ The snow is falling down ♪

♪ Gets colder day by day ♪

♪ I miss you ♪

♪ Our hearts were singing ♪

♪ It felt like Christmastime ♪

♪ It must be Christmastime ♪♪

Okay. Here we come.

Hey, Taylor, can you move that stuff for me?

This is something that Santa brought

special for you guys. Ready?

Three, two, one.

Yeah!

Here it is.

What is it, Grandpa Nick?

Wh-What do you mean what is it, kid?

It's a friggin' Dreamhouse.

What happened to the roof?

Ugh!

Geez!

Forget it.

Who's next?

Come on, Taylor.

You're up.

Nah, I'm good.

Fine. I'll do it.

I'll be the elf.

Mom's usually the elf.

Yeah, but Mom's not here, so you got me.

Right.

This one is from Doug.

Oh.

Is it the last 24 hours of my life back?

Oh, wait. Is my girlfriend in there?

It's something that I got for you that I thought you'd like.

It's a T-shirt.

Oh.

Dad, your turn.

Do you want a present?

I'm not opening any presents till your mother gets back.

I'll feel sick to my stomach.

Can you guys please just at least, you know, try to get it together?

Yeah? You know?

I mean, Christmas, it-it's supposed to be fun.

Do you know how few Christmases we get in life?

With this group of people?

- I mean, it's a finite number. - Where's Sammy?

I mean, is he gonna sleep all morning?

Sammy?

He's not in his room!

You got to be kidding me. We lost another one?

Uh, I could be mistaken, but is that Sammy's bike

in the Wang-Wasserman front yard?

Where?

Oh, my God.

♪ Maybe it's true what they say about ♪

♪ Maybe we can't make the ends meet ♪

♪ Maybe we'll all have to do without ♪

♪ Maybe this world's just incomplete ♪

♪ Well, we all look for truth in this life...

-Can I help you? -Yes.

I'm here for The Zazzy Tims Show taping.

Are you a VIP? This is the VIP entrance.

Uh, no.

Um, I'm just--

Okay, so you're gonna have to come through here and circle back around, all right?

-This is the VIP only entrance. -Mm-hmm.

You're gonna want to go over to general admission and reenter there.

That's gate number two.

Okay. Thank you.

♪ Some see the road as clear ♪

♪ Some say the end is here ♪

♪ They say it's a hopeless fight ♪

♪ But I say I gotta try now ♪

♪ Oh, I've got to try, baby ♪

♪ Maybe it's too much to think about ♪

♪ Maybe there ain't nothing left to say ♪

♪ But if our time is really running out ♪

♪ then this ain't no time to run away ♪♪

And welcome back for this very spectacular,

very extraordinary Christmas episode.

You know we've been doing the Zazzy Christmas Special for five years now?

That's right, five years!

And what makes it such a special tradition in my heart is you, our audience,

which is why every member of the audience

will be going home today with a beautiful Monochrome candle!

But first, you've sent in your video, submitted your nominations,

a record number of applications this year.

Eight thousand! Can you believe that?

- Excuse me. - Yes!

Eight thousand caring, generous mothers who were all so deserving.

Yeah.

We heard stories of moms from Pasadena all the way to Nairobi.

People could not tell us

- enough good things about their mamas. - Can I put this on?

- And we can't wait to meet them. - Uh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

Here onstage, we're gonna have a mom who adopted 19 children!

Yeah. She's got her hands full.

- And, uh, we also have another-- - Yeah, you're good.

- Hey. - Hi! Hey!

-Merry Christmas. -Hi.

You here for Sammy?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

You can come in.

Oh, Dad.

- Good tidings. - Hi.

Unbelievable.

Sammy, get up!

You're passed out in Jeanne's house!

Nicholas Samuel Derwin Clauster the Third,

get your B-U-T-T out of this house before I kick it there.

Sammy. Sammy.

Stop. Ow.

-Sammy, go. -Go. Let's go.

Come on. Just--

We got him.

Okay.

Uh, your home is so beautiful.

- Thank you. - ...Christmas episode,

-I'm gonna introduce you to some wonderful women. -Oh, look, it's... it's Zazzy.

-Mom's favorite show. -We received a record number

of applications this year.

-Guess how many. -Wait.

-Eight thousand applications! -The-the Holiday Mom Contest.

She's been texting and...

-emailing me about this for weeks. -Yeah!

- Oh, me, too. - Mm-hmm. - Same here.

I never responded. Did you?

-No. Me, neither. -Ditto.

Without further ado, let's give a warm Zazzy round of applause...

None of us responded.

...to the fabulous winners

of the Holiday Mom Contest!

-Oh, my God! -Here we go!

Come on. You got this.

Hey, come on. Dance your heart out.

Let's go, let's go!

Oh, I love this!

Welcome, moms!

How did you guys get here?

- I'm a nominee. - You're a-- And who nominated you?

Oh, my God, that's Mom.

Welcome, welcome!

I told her not to go off those hormones.

♪ Heaven...

Jess? Uh, Jess?

Who's that woman doing the Cabbage Patch and waving to camera two?

I don't know?

Let me check.

Hmm.

- My children! - Oh, my God.

She's got 19 children!

Who nominated you, honey?

Oh, my-my son.

Oh, her son!

My son!

- Who nominated you? - My husband.

Oh, your husband must love you.

Where'd she get that jacket?

- You think she'll let me borrow it? - Wow.

Your mom is a great dancer.

Hey.

Last night, did we, uh...

I can't decide if she's an icon or a train wreck.

Icon.

No. You got so drunk, and you threw up on my shoe,

and then I had to walk you and your bike home ten blocks.

Oh.

Oh, wow!

Oh, I'm really here.

-It's really you. -Whoo!

Hi! So, how did you get here?

Oh. Oh, gosh.

Um, uh, well, the short answer is that I...

I tried to get my kids to nominate me...

...for the Holiday Moms Contest, and, well, they blew that off.

- Oh. - And then, um,

I got my whole family tickets to a dance show,

and they forgot me.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, yeah. I just, I just got in my car

and said, "Fuck it."

She'll be here in a minute.

Ah, you got her!

Glad that's over.

Oy vey. We did it.

- Great show, Zazzy. - Awesome.

It's Cameron, right?

Uh, actually, it's Claire.

Do you know why I started the Holiday Mom Special?

Was it to launch your--

It's because I've been buying myself Christmas gifts for the last 15 years.

-Oh. -Just so that I could have something

to open while my family tears into the gifts I bought them

like a pack of coked-up howler monkeys.

You know what my husband got me last year?

An upholstery cleaner.

Yeah. And my son, he got me, uh--

oh, an autographed basketball by one of the Harlem Globetrotters.

Not even the lady one. I would've liked that.

Yeah. Oh, and my daughter made me pancakes.

Oh, well, that's sweet.

I hate pancakes.

And she knows that.

-Oh. -So I thought,

"Why not get the things I actually want?"

You know?

So now I play Santa to myself.

Same.

My stocking looks like a limp penis.

So depressing.

-It just hangs there. -Oh.

No love. Her family just lets it dangle there.

Yeah.

And we can admit that, you know?

But let me tell you something else.

-Here, I'm a boss bitch. -Yes, you are!

But at home, I'm everybody's bitch.

We're all just little bitches.

But what you did was spectacular.

-They never turn off a light. -Ugh.

Never. They-they can't close the fridge door.

They can't close any door. They let all the bugs in.

- Mm-hmm. - They come home,

and it's like, why so much toothpaste everywhere?

-In globs of blue. -Ugh!

It's disgusting. I use my fingernails.

My husband always tells me,

"Don't worry. It'll all get done.

It always does."

I tell him, "Yes, I know it does.

Because I do it!"

Mm-hmm.

- That's right. - 'Cause you do it.

Yep. Uh-huh.

I got four kids.

I carried them, I birthed them, I fed them.

You know? I've had one partially successful vaginoplasty,

and-and I bug them?

You know why? Because that's the score.

- Mm-hmm. - That's the score.

Mm.

That's tight.

What? My vagina or the metaphor?

Whole situation.

♪ On the radio, whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ On the radio ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

-It's a strong table. -♪ Now, now ♪

♪ Don't it kinda strike you sad when you hear our song? ♪♪

Mazel, delivery drivers.

We hope you get to sleep in tomorrow.

On that note, it's time for my Mazel of the Week.

And this one goes out to a mom who made her big broadcasting debut.

It's the Houston mother who drove through the night

just to appear on The Zazzy Tims Show.

I don't know if you guys saw this video, but I cannot stop watching it.

She put on an impromptu dance show.

And for that, Claire Clauster, you are Mazel of the Week.

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

Do you want to talk about it?

What is there to talk about?

Mom's gone, Channing thinks I'm an irresponsible love addict,

and you... you told the love of my life that I cheated on her,

after which she walked out on me.

Forever!

So, no, Doug, I don't really feel like talking to you right now.

You said I was boring. I had to defend myself.

♪ Better stop before it goes too far...

You can't hate me forever.

Family forgives.

No matter what.

♪ Sometimes I feel like...

I'm sorry I called you a man baby. It was mean.

I'm sorry that I said your books are too long.

That's not true.

They're just the right size.

And the dialogue wooden?

-Hmm? -Well, you said

too long and the dialogue is wooden.

-You remember? -Yeah.

And I just said they're not too long at all.

Just the right length.

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ that I love you? ♪

♪ Sometimes I feel like...

Channing?

You think I'm gonna end up alone?

No.

-You've got us. -Yeah.

Till you all forget me on the side of the road like our own mother.

Oh, God.

We really can be the worst.

♪ That fell down here to lay...

- You all right? - Yeah.

- "Great kids"? - Yes, yes!

-That's it! You got it! Yeah, that's it! -I did? Oh, my God!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes!

-Fantastic. -Oh, my God.

Sixty-three thousand one hundred dollars.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations!

Oh, my God. What?

-Okay, car leaves in 30 minutes. -Hey.

Who are you?

I'm Trish from The Zazzy Tims Show.

Oh, you do not look ready yet.

Oh, please come in.

The car leaves in 30 minutes, and we really got to move.

I doubt she has shoes, so if we could please get those Jimmy Choos on her.

Fix this stuff in her hair. It's kind of--

What's all the-- What's going on?

Did you not check your phone?

Zazzy wants you back on the show today.

Happy Boxing Day. Have we got a great show for you.

We have a live in-studio performance by the incredible band the bird and the bee,

and Emeril Lagasse is back to show us

how to make a gumbo that'll kick us right into the new year.

But first, by popular demand, we are bringing back

the most relatable mama in America, Claire Clauster!

-Great to see you again. -Oh.

Great to see you, too, Zazzy.

Now, for those of you just tuning in,

Claire's family forgot her on Christmas Eve.

Can you believe that?

But the funny thing is a lot of women have connected to your story.

Can you tell me why that is?

Um, I bet a lot of women probably feel...

overlooked, Zazzy.

Mm-hmm.

-Unappreciated. -That's right.

Taken for granted, you know.

That's pretty much year-round.

I'd say during the holidays most of all.

You know, it's just all the behind-the-scenes stuff that moms do

so that everyone can have a good time.

It's a lot of work to have fun.

Yeah, and somebody's got to do that work.

And, well, most of them don't want to do it,

and, you know, they just don't want to step up.

So true.

You know who steps up?

-Moms. -Moms.

- Moms. - And...

...I miss my mom so much.

And I really wish that instead of rolling my eyes...

...thinking she was silly, that I...

I-I just said those three little words that mean so much to moms.

"I love you."

"Can I help?"

Oh.

And then I'd just give her a big bear hug while I still had the chance,

because, you know, all she was trying to do was make things joyous for us,

and there is nothing silly about joy.

Wow.

Well...

that was so beautiful, Carmen.

-Claire. -But guess what.

We are not done yet, because we have an in-studio surprise,

a Zazzy Tims exclusive.

They've traveled through the night, and we convinced them to come on the show.

A group of people I think we can all agree

owe you a big, huge apology!

- Hey. - Sorry, Grandma Claire.

Hey, hon.

Hi. Hey.

-How are you? We're so sorry. -I'm okay.

- They're the Clauster family! - Oh, hey.

-We're sorry. -We love you, Mom.

Yes!

- We're sorry. - Hi, Channing.

- Hey, Mom. - Oh, my goodness.

Reunited right here on the show.

Don't go away.

When we're back, we've got the bird and the bee.

And cut to commercial! Back in five!

We're moving it to our stage.

- Honey, you look so great. - Oh, thanks. Thank you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

We're so sorry about this whole thing.

-Yeah, it was nice seeing you all. -Yeah.

Enjoy the sun, if you're into that sort of thing.

Where you going, hon?

This has been a nice little publicity stunt and all,

but... what's really changed?

I'm sorry you came all this way, but Mom's closed up shop.

For good. Peace out, y'all.

Is she allowed to do that?

I don't know. I think she's-- Hon?

Mom?

Mom?

What is going on?

I-I just, I just-- I wasn't expecting that, you know?

Well, I know. They reached out to us.

It was all very last-minute.

We were going for grand gesture.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Maybe I'm just not quite done being mad yet.

I-I get that.

The last three days have...

-been a lot. -I know.

For us, too.

Y-You're right. We-we didn't support you.

You asked us to do this one thing for you, and we completely ignored it,

which is terrible.

I mean, it's-it's unforgivable.

And I'm... well, I'm so sorry, truly.

And I know that what I said about doing the holidays separately next year,

it hurt your feelings.

And I'm sorry about that, too.

But... well, sometimes I want to have my own special traditions.

With my family, you know?

Is that so wrong?

No, honey.

There's nothing wrong with that at all.

It's just that... sometimes...

...I feel like you don't support me, either.

And I... I just had to say that.

'Cause it's like you're so in awe of Taylor.

I mean, I mean, we all are.

And-and... you still act like Sammy is a baby.

Uh, don't get me wrong.

I'm glad, but-but I have a family and a career I love,

and I'm actually doing pretty okay at it.

You just brush right over all of it.

Like it doesn't even matter.

I think maybe, subconsciously, if you, if you weren't gonna be impressed by me,

then I-I wasn't gonna be impressed by you.

The-the truth is your... your opinion means...

it means more to me than anything.

Anything.

My Little Bean.

I am so impressed with you there aren't even words.

I don't know, maybe I'm-I'm-I'm afraid of, um,

if I tell you that, that...

if I let the cat out of the bag, that...

then you'll know that you don't need me anymore...

...and I'll lose you.

Yeah, maybe that's it. I think that's what it is.

Uh, that's my biggest fear.

And maybe I'm always gonna need you to need me

just... a tiny little bit.

Is that so wrong?

You'll never lose me, Mom.

I'm sorry.

Honey? You there?

Honey, you in there?

There we go.

♪ Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river ♪

♪ Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea ♪

♪ You lay your bets...

Ah, honey, I was so scared.

Oh, don't be dramatic.

-No-- -You weren't going to starve to death.

You could always make yourself a sandwich.

No, no, no, that's not it. See...

40 years ago, I caught my luckiest break,

and I swore to myself if I got you, I would never take it for granted.

And... come to find out,

complacency snuck up on me.

-Right? -Mm.

So thank you for the wake-up call, and I want you to know

that wh-what you do for us, for all of us...

...is never behind-the-scenes.

♪ You think you're gonna break up ♪

♪ Then she says she wants to make up ♪

♪ Ooh, you made me love you ♪

♪ Ooh, you've gone away ♪

♪ Ooh, you had me crawling ♪

♪ up the wall ♪

♪ Like walking in the rain and the snow ♪

♪ when there's nowhere to go ♪

♪ and you're feeling like a part of you is dying ♪

♪ And you're looking for the answer in her eyes ♪

♪ You think you're gonna break up ♪

♪ Then she says she wants to make up...

Sammy, hi.

Mae-bell. How'd you get in here?

Oh, my friend Brian has an internship with the art department.

-He snuck me in. -Okay.

Cool.

Anyway, I saw your mom on Zazzy, and ever since then,

I've been thinking about us nonstop.

That was, like, half an hour ago.

I know, and I immediately texted Brian and jumped in an Uber.

It's just, Sammy, I wish I knew how to quit you.

-Isn't that from Brokeback Mountain? -It doesn't matter.

What matters is I came here because

when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody--

Sorry. My phone.

♪ The things we do for love, the things we do for love ♪

♪ The things we do for love...

...you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Sorry, what?

I said, when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody--

Oh, yeah. That's, uh, uh, When Harry Met Sally...

Oh, congrats, Sammy, you watch a lot of movies.

I'm saying we should get back together.

You know what? I think it's okay.

We're probably better off this way.

You will be fine. I will, too.

Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me now?

No, you definitely broke up with me first.

Hug it out?

♪ The things we do for love ♪♪

Blessings.

So, Channing got to have her Christmas ski trip,

and we all came along as well...

♪ Lawn inflatables in the yard, December's got my tinsel tangled...

...as did Sammy and his new love, which means...

the Cardigan Queen is still never far away.

I'm so happy our families could do this ski trip together.

Yeah, me, too, Jeanne. Me, too.

-Blessings! -Blessings.

It is nice to try new things.

Mind, some old habits do persist.

Guys, guys, everybody, this is my new girlfriend Serena!

Welcome to the family!

♪ Shake, shake, shake the snow globe...

But you know what?

The whole family used those three little words,

and I had so much help that they shooed me away for a little me time.

♪ This Christmas...

Don't worry.

I'll head back inside in a minute.

But until then...

cheers, moms.

May your hearts always be full this time of year,

even if your stockings aren't.

Merry Christmas.

-♪ Merry, merry ♪ -♪ Ho! ♪

-♪ Very, very ♪ -♪ Ho! ♪

♪ Very merry Christmas ♪

-♪ Merry, merry ♪ -♪ Ho! ♪

-♪ Very, very ♪ -♪ Ho! ♪

♪ Very merry Christmas ♪

-♪ Merry, merry ♪ -♪ Ho! ♪

-♪ Very, very ♪ -♪ Ho! ♪

♪ Very merry Christmas ♪♪

♪ I heard the bells on Christmas Day ♪

♪ Their old familiar carols play ♪

♪ and wild and sweet the words repeat ♪

♪ of peace on Earth ♪

♪ goodwill to men ♪

♪ I thought how ♪

-♪ as the day had come ♪ -♪ The day had come ♪

♪ the belfries of all Christendom ♪

♪ had rolled along ♪

♪ the unbroken song ♪

♪ of peace on Earth ♪

♪ goodwill ♪

♪ to men ♪♪

Oh!

♪ Welcome to my Christmas song ♪

♪ I'd like to thank you for the year ♪

♪ So I'm sending you this Christmas card ♪

♪ to say, "It's nice to have you here" ♪

♪ I'd like to sing about all the things ♪

♪ your eyes and mind can see ♪

♪ So hop aboard the turntable ♪

♪ Oh, step into Christmas with me, yeah ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, let's join together ♪

♪ We can watch the snow fall forever and ever ♪

♪ Eat, drink and be merry, come along with me ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, the admission is free ♪

♪ Take care in all you do next year ♪

♪ and keep smiling through the days ♪

♪ If we can help to entertain you ♪

♪ oh, we will find the ways ♪

♪ So merry Christmas, one and all ♪

♪ There's no place I'd rather be ♪

♪ than asking you if you'd oblige ♪

♪ stepping into Christmas with me ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, let's join together ♪

♪ We can watch the snow fall forever and ever ♪

♪ Eat, drink and be merry, come along with me ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, the admission is free ♪

♪ Welcome to my Christmas song ♪

♪ I'd like to thank you for the year ♪

♪ So I'm sending you this Christmas card ♪

♪ to say, "It's nice to have you here" ♪

♪ I'd like to sing about all the things ♪

♪ your eyes and mind can see ♪

♪ So hop aboard the turntable ♪

♪ Oh, step into Christmas with me, yeah ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, let's join together ♪

♪ We can watch the snow fall forever and ever ♪

♪ Eat, drink and be merry, come along with me ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, the admission is free ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Step into Christmas ♪

-♪ Let's join together ♪ -♪ Let's join together ♪

♪ We can watch the snow fall forever and ever ♪

♪ Eat, drink and be merry ♪

-♪ Come along with me ♪ -♪ Oh, come along ♪

♪ Step into Christmas, the admission is free ♪♪