All language subtitles for Kick-Ass.2.2013.720p.BluRay.x264-@lubokvideo_110717041223
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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:20,000
Join Telegram:
@lubokvideo -
https://t.me/lubokvideo
2
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,726
A handgun bullet travels
at more than 700 miles per hour.
3
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,995
Hey, whoa.
Absolutely not. No.
4
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:57,758
Mmm-mmm.
5
00:00:57,825 --> 00:01:01,830
Look, if you don't wanna do
it, you don't have to do it.
6
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,807
Okay. Good,
I don't wanna do it.
7
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:04,967
Fine.
8
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:10,839
Goddamn! I'm alive.
9
00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:12,139
Oh!
10
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,243
Oh, that's amazing!
11
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,749
I know, right. So...
12
00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:20,447
Hmm.
13
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:22,617
Ready to go again?
14
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,253
Absolutely not.
15
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:26,420
Fine.
16
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,630
Don't just say "fine" and
then shoot me in the chest.
17
00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:31,363
'Cause it's not cool.
18
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:32,596
Like at all.
19
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,534
Okay. Jeez.
20
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:47,208
I always wondered why no one
tried to be a superhero before me.
21
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:50,982
It turns out
somebody had. Mindy Macready.
22
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,682
After her dad died, his
old partner on the force,
23
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,521
Marcus, became her guardian.
24
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:58,528
Is that a Pink Pony bag she's wearing?
Nice backpack.
25
00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,654
Thanks.
26
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,459
Steal it from a six year old?
27
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,795
Marcus dropped
her off every day.
28
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:07,065
But as soon as he
was gone, so was she.
29
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,332
No one at school found out because
she hacked into the server
30
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,571
and gave herself the award
for perfect attendance.
31
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,807
Hit Girl and Big Daddy
had been the real deal.
32
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,545
Mindy was gonna
keep wearing the mask
33
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:23,153
as long as there were
criminals to take down.
34
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,323
But no matter how many
drug dealers she stopped,
35
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,694
she couldn't stop
feeling alone.
36
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,398
Me? I'd given up
being a superhero
37
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,332
because it was
way too dangerous.
38
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,234
Only problem,
I was dying of boredom.
39
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:41,567
Like most
high school seniors,
40
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,869
I had no idea what I
wanted to do with my life.
41
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,605
Hell, I didn't know what
channel I wanted to watch.
42
00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:49,509
It's just TV, Dave, not
peace in the Middle East.
43
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,082
My best friends
Todd and Marty
44
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,708
had no clue I was the first
superhero to go public.
45
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,947
You guys watch
Spider-Man last night?
46
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,612
Is it weird that Aunt
May gets me kinda hard?
47
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,349
Not if you're
a granny-slammer.
48
00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:02,222
They may wear
costumes, but it isn't Halloween.
49
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,056
They're real
life superheroes,
50
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,563
and in the two years since
the first ordinary citizens
51
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,293
donned capes and masks,
52
00:03:08,388 --> 00:03:10,299
the movement has
started to spread.
53
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,370
I became a superhero
because of Kick-Ass.
54
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:13,786
Yeah, you just
come home from work,
55
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,363
you grab your gear
and you go out on patrol.
56
00:03:16,463 --> 00:03:18,272
Help us make
the streets safe.
57
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,443
I inspired all those
people to get off their asses,
58
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,606
and now I was stuck on mine.
59
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:28,152
So that night after dinner, I
decided to get my old costume out.
60
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:32,781
Sorry. Whoa!
Can't you knock?
61
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:35,587
You know, buddy, it's perfectly
normal for you to touch yourself...
62
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,787
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
Get out!
63
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,996
If I was even thinking
about a Kick-Ass sequel,
64
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,727
I had to get serious.
65
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:47,294
Hey. Hey,
can we chat?
66
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,830
Please, Mindy?
67
00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:53,301
Get in the cab.
Meters running.
68
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:58,106
I wanna team up
like Batman and Robin.
69
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,808
Nobody wants to be Robin.
70
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,113
What's wrong with Robin?
71
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,449
Weren't you like
Big Daddy's Robin?
72
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:05,922
Robin wishes he was me.
73
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,788
What I'm trying to say
is we should be partners,
74
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,758
you and me, like the dynamic duo.
75
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,957
I'm in the NFL, Dave.
You play pee-wee.
76
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,998
So?
Train me.
77
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:17,597
I wanna walk the walk,
78
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,332
and you're the closest thing
I know to a real superhero.
79
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,536
Aren't you tired
of being on your own?
80
00:04:25,332 --> 00:04:27,812
Don't you wanna know
someone's there for you?
81
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,841
Someone who's got your back?
82
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:39,790
And you'll do anything I say?
83
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,052
Anything.
84
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:42,349
Hit me.
85
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,122
You're a 15-year-old girl.
86
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,225
What the hell?
87
00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:51,335
Act like a bitch,
get slapped like a bitch.
88
00:04:57,664 --> 00:04:59,166
Oh, goddamn.
89
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:03,640
Mindy beat me like morning
wood every day for three weeks.
90
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,708
Come on. Guard up!
Left, right, guard up!
91
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:14,188
Even with my damaged nerve
endings, it hurt like hell.
92
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:19,023
But, in a weird way,
I kinda liked it.
93
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,350
It gave me
a sense of purpose.
94
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,333
What happened to your face?
Nothing.
95
00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:23,992
Like we were driving
towards something.
96
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,031
Goddamn!
97
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,867
Oh! Oh, that's amazing!
98
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,277
All the other people putting on
masks were just playing superhero.
99
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:35,346
We were training
to really do it.
100
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:39,409
I couldn't tell my girlfriend
Katie, or Marty and Todd.
101
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:42,043
But I didn't care. We
were having too much fun.
102
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:44,855
Left, right, left!
103
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,627
Our own superhero team.
104
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,594
It was gonna be balls.
105
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,398
What the hell, Mom? Did you
delete the news off the DVR?
106
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,737
Yes. Yes,
I did, Christopher.
107
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,904
That was the one
with Kick-Ass.
108
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:12,110
Oh, Christopher, you've gotta stop
obsessing over this superhero.
109
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,651
He is not a superhero,
Mom, he's a murderer.
110
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:16,948
He blew up Dad with a
bazooka, for fuck's sake!
111
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,148
Your father died in a fire.
112
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:21,453
A fire?
What is your problem?
113
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:24,421
You! You are my problem!
114
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,590
I am trying to raise you
to be a normal boy!
115
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:32,502
That's why we moved to Long Island
after your father's accident.
116
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:36,734
A bazooka is not an accident,
you delusional bitch!
117
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,071
This conversation is over.
118
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,805
Great. Then I'm leaving.
119
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,441
Come on, Javier, be cool.
120
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:47,244
Sorry, Chris, but your mom
pays me not to be cool.
121
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:55,860
I hate you! You home-school
me like I'm a prisoner!
122
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,758
You threw away
my Red Mist costume.
123
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,628
God! I am not
the problem! You are!
124
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:04,258
I wish you were dead!
125
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,269
Mommy?
126
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,709
Don't touch that.
127
00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:20,944
Oh, I'm sorry.
What is it?
128
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:24,784
It's a last resort. Like if all
else fails and you're about to die.
129
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,789
Are you not scared to die?
130
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,662
Are you scared you're never gonna
grow into your big boy pants?
131
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,735
I'm serious. What if Spider-Man
or Batman got killed one night?
132
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:38,859
It could happen.
133
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:42,997
If you're scared of dying, one thing
is certain, you are going to die.
134
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,633
My daddy was never
afraid of dying.
135
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,511
Look where that got him.
136
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:53,875
He knew he might have to make
the ultimate sacrifice one day.
137
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:56,484
And that's why
he made me promise
138
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:59,149
I'd never stop
defending this city.
139
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,387
Cross my heart,
140
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:05,056
hope to die.
141
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,392
Your dad was insane.
You know that, right?
142
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:16,864
You're wrong, Dave. My daddy
was the first real superhero,
143
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:20,707
not you or Red Mist.
It was my daddy,
144
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,380
and it was an honor
to serve by his side.
145
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,687
Hey, Min, how was school?
146
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,253
Super crazy.
147
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,865
Miss Mullins was out today,
148
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:44,095
so we had Mr. Cooper leaching
us biology, such a grump.
149
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,951
Oh, really? That's weird because
Principal Himoff called me yesterday.
150
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,438
You were supposed
to get an award
151
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,065
for perfect attendance,
but you didn't attend.
152
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:54,810
I followed you this morning. Saw
you get into a cab with some boy,
153
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,938
and I lost you guys
over the bridge.
154
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,881
So now you wanna tell me
where you really were today?
155
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,754
I'm really sorry, Marcus.
I didn't wanna make you mad.
156
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:11,455
Cut the waterworks, Min.
You're 15, not five.
157
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,560
Okay.
158
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,300
Look, he asked me to cut
class and go lo the mall.
159
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,736
So, yeah, yeah, I did.
160
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,299
This has nothing to do
with you being Hit Girl?
161
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,434
I'm not gonna
find any ninja blades
162
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,809
or throwing stars
under your bed?
163
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:32,109
No. I just wanted him
to like me. Okay?
164
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,682
Sweetie, skipping school's not
a way to get boys to like you.
165
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,482
- I'm so stupid.
- Hey, hey.
166
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,502
You're one of the smartest
little girls I know.
167
00:09:40,528 --> 00:09:42,051
Let's go get some pizza.
168
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,086
What, you mean
I'm not grounded?
169
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,357
Well, just consider
this a warning.
170
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,932
Hey, you sure you wanna
give all your mom's things away?
171
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,071
What the hell am I supposed
to do with all her stuff?
172
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,006
Damn, she had
a nice pair of guns.
173
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,838
Dude, she's dead!
Don't talk about her tits.
174
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,946
I was talking about these.
175
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,710
Oh, those.
Those were my dad's.
176
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,719
Why don't you keep them?
177
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,549
Are you sure?
178
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:11,678
Yeah. I mean,
they belong to you, right?
179
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,657
Come on, Chris.
You're your own man now.
180
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,989
- Just be careful, all right?
- Yeah.
181
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:21,629
Whoa!
182
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,363
Definitely don't
wanna keep those!
183
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,663
I'll take care of it.
184
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:36,037
You take the day off.
Later.
185
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:40,874
Hey.
186
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:44,183
So, are you ready for
your first field test?
187
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,710
What am I supposed
to do with these?
188
00:10:45,845 --> 00:10:48,655
Put them on and, uh,
go fishing.
189
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,432
I'm the whitest pimp ever.
190
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:02,767
That's the idea.
191
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,842
Take the next right.
Comes out on Flatbush.
192
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,911
You sure I should be doing
this without my gear?
193
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,070
That's the point.
194
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,012
Kick-Ass isn't a costume.
Kick-Ass is who you really are.
195
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:12,880
Dave Lizewski is the mask.
196
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:16,284
Well, my "mask" is about to
get his teeth kicked in.
197
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:21,018
Hey, queer bait, where are you
going with those bags, man?
198
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:24,186
Tell him you're on your way to fuck
his mother with a 12-inch strap on.
199
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,922
I'm just taking a walk.
200
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:29,057
This really isn't what I do. I
usually just call the cops.
201
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,135
Who are you talking to, man?
202
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,228
Uh, I'm just on a call.
It was...
203
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:37,036
You know, service round
here, it sucks, man.
204
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,909
Now give me the bags, faggot, before
I make you suck my fat cock, huh?
205
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:42,744
Come on.
206
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,609
Okay, okay.
207
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:16,914
Can you believe I let Mindy
beat the snot out of me for weeks
208
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,143
just so I could get
my ass kicked again?
209
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,980
So much for a team.
210
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:23,451
You ready to die?
You faggot!
211
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:30,654
You know, all that homophobic
shit makes you sound super gay.
212
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:02,317
- Come on, man.
- Come on.
213
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,957
If I ever catch you robbing
again, shit-burger,
214
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:09,624
I'm gonna go Saudi Arabia on
your ass and cut your hand off.
215
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,194
Promise me you're done
with your life of crime.
216
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,635
I promise.
217
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,575
Pants on fire.
218
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,874
What do you think? I think
you almost got me killed!
219
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,006
No. What do you
think of my line?
220
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:26,871
"Pants on fire."
I wrote a whole bunch of 'em.
221
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,983
Run! I'll tell them
you saved me. Go!
222
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,684
Female
suspect fleeing Flatbush.
223
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:35,658
Under 5 feet. Masked. Armed
with nunchucks and a sword.
224
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,403
- Hey, Min.
- Hey, Marcus. What's up?
225
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,658
I see you answered
your phone.
226
00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:54,860
That means
you're not in school.
227
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,210
I was,
228
00:13:56,336 --> 00:14:00,375
but I wasn't feeling so good, and so
the nurse decided to send me home.
229
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,679
Poor thing.
Well, I'm almost home.
230
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,721
I'll make soup
and we can watch Jeopardy!
231
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,688
All righty.
I'll see you soon, okay?
232
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,850
All right.
233
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:34,776
Shit!
234
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:03,240
You got my soup?
235
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,943
Let me take your
temperature first.
236
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:10,817
Oh, you're really clammy.
237
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,685
I'll feel better
after a nap-nap.
238
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:15,419
Close your eyes. I'm
gonna get you that soup.
239
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:22,522
Is that blood?
240
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:25,829
Damn it, Mindy.
I can't do this anymore.
241
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:27,830
Your father was
like a brother to me.
242
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,838
He was a great cop
and a hero.
243
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,102
But Big Daddy? That was
not your father, okay?
244
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:35,169
That was someone who robbed
you of your childhood.
245
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,679
And this?
246
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:40,711
Hit Girl?
That's not who you are.
247
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:47,781
You are Mindy Macready and you're
just starting high school.
248
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:50,994
I understand that you don't
know who that person is yet,
249
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:53,724
but you will,
you've just gotta try.
250
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:54,992
I don't want to.
251
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:56,294
You don't know what you want.
252
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,130
You can't. You're not
an adult, not yet.
253
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:03,035
Yeah, well, I've done more in my 15 years
than most adults have in their lifetime.
254
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:06,071
That note that
your father gave you,
255
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,873
the one that you were supposed to
open if anything ever happened.
256
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,879
What did it say?
257
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,005
That you would
take care of me.
258
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:14,381
And that you were supposed
to listen to me, right?
259
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,578
Well, listen up.
260
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,383
I want you in school. I want you
to stop talking to that boy.
261
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,855
And I want you to promise me
262
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,518
that this is never
gonna happen again.
263
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,501
Cross my heart,
264
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,533
hope to die.
265
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,173
Good.
266
00:16:58,117 --> 00:16:59,187
Mindy!
267
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,253
What the hell?
268
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,390
First you almost get me
killed, then you stand me up.
269
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:03,433
Dave, I'm sorry.
270
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,127
I mean, I...
You are?
271
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,026
I am.
272
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,132
For everything.
273
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,306
Oh, okay, great.
274
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,540
I mean, "apologetic" isn't a
word I'd use to describe you.
275
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,943
How many times do
I have to say it?
276
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,211
Look, let's get out of here.
277
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,748
You gotta ease up. I think
I might have broken a rib.
278
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,312
Dave, I'm done.
279
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:26,924
With training?
280
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,390
With everything.
281
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,726
Wait, you mean everything?
282
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,994
You can't.
You're Hit Girl.
283
00:17:37,123 --> 00:17:39,296
We were gonna start a team,
you can't just quit.
284
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,235
This is who you are.
285
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:42,465
Not anymore, Dave.
286
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:47,076
I'm sorry, but it's over.
I'm done.
287
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:48,407
She just broke up with him?
288
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,606
Just leave me alone.
289
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,842
Will you stop apologizing?
290
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,985
I don't know what's worse, that
you're fucking a 9th-grader
291
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,611
- or that you just got dumped by one.
- Whoa, whoa!
292
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:58,747
Pedophile freak.
293
00:17:58,911 --> 00:17:59,855
It's not like that.
294
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:01,482
Then what is it like?
Please, tell me.
295
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,585
I can't. It's to do with the
Kick-Ass thing.
296
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:07,494
I've got a secret for you.
You remember Malik?
297
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,828
Dude who volunteers
at your needle exchange?
298
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,926
His baton is so much
bigger than Kick-Ass'.
299
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,766
- No.
- Yeah.
300
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,673
And by "baton," I mean penis.
301
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,705
Yeah, I got that. Thanks.
302
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,511
Fifteen gets you 20, pervert.
303
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,113
A freshman, Dave?
You old, salty dog.
304
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,613
What's the problem? Grass on
the field, play ball. Right?
305
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:31,678
No, Todd.
306
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:32,881
Chris, your tutor's here.
307
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:34,851
Chris!
308
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:37,051
Chris, your...
309
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:40,387
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
310
00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:43,023
My destiny.
311
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:46,235
Chris, just because your mom liked
to get a little freaky now.
312
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,305
I know what my role
is in this, Javier.
313
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:51,706
My dad was a crime boss,
so it just makes sense.
314
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:55,212
I'm a supervillain.
It's evolution.
315
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,473
Come on, come on.
316
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,675
Just put those things down
before you hurt somebody, Chris.
317
00:18:58,738 --> 00:18:59,808
That's not my name.
318
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,551
Okay, okay.
Uh, Red Mist...
319
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:05,417
Red Mist was
my superhero name.
320
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,184
Henceforth I'll be known as...
321
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,255
The Motherfucker.
322
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:13,356
After Mindy quit,
323
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:16,559
I decided to stop hitting the heavy
bag and start hitting the streets.
324
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,828
Hey, Kick-Ass,
welcome back!
325
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:20,029
Yeah!
Whoo!
326
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,828
You're the best, man!
327
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:25,375
Only problem,
I was still on my own.
328
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,000
So I went online and found
a physics professor
329
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:30,069
calling himself
"Dr. Gravity."
330
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,275
Sure, he wasn't Hit Girl,
but I had to start somewhere.
331
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:35,909
This is the zero G device
that I invented.
332
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,249
Can levitate
any object up to a ton.
333
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:39,549
For real?
334
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,922
Hell, no, man. This is a
baseball bat wrapped in tinfoil.
335
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,551
But it fooled you.
336
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,595
Hey, could I get a Diet
Mountain Dew, please?
337
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:48,221
I'm not even
a physics professor.
338
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:49,857
Just a copywriter
for an ad agency.
339
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,933
But that's why
I love this stuff.
340
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,197
You can be anyone you want!
341
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,640
You done many
team-ups before?
342
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,209
Kind of. Yeah.
No, not really.
343
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,402
I was getting kinda nervous about
being on my own, you know?
344
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:04,471
Yeah, me, too. I never
even been in a fight.
345
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,416
Well, hopefully
you won't have to.
346
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,920
I friended a guy talking about forming
a team, if you're interested.
347
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,614
I don't know
how serious he is,
348
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,153
but his picture
was pretty hard core.
349
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,286
Are you kidding me?
That's why I contacted you.
350
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:20,897
I didn't wanna freak you out
by bringing it up too soon.
351
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,433
I'll show you his profile
after I hit the men's room.
352
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:27,797
Your Uncle Ralph's not
gonna be happy about this, Chris.
353
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,963
That's not my name.
354
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,506
I'm not calling
you that, forget it.
355
00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:32,633
Javier, you worked
for my dad.
356
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,770
Then you worked for my mom.
Now you work for me.
357
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,577
I'm probably the richest kid
in New York City.
358
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,082
But if you don't like that,
359
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:43,086
find yourself another
motherfucking job, okay?
360
00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:45,680
Yo, Kick-Ass!
361
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,256
Man, am I glad to see you.
362
00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:49,917
Is there anything
I can do to help, sir?
363
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,653
Yeah. I was hoping you can help
me get a million hits on YouTube.
364
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,764
Come on. Come on.
365
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:19,956
Run, Kick-Ass, run!
366
00:21:22,381 --> 00:21:24,725
Jersey Shore motherfucker!
367
00:21:25,551 --> 00:21:28,464
Hey, what, you not
interested in a fair fight?
368
00:21:29,689 --> 00:21:32,515
That is no fair fight.
Team meeting tomorrow.
369
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,322
I'll e-mail you the address.
370
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:37,807
Beware Dr. Gravity!
371
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,910
You had to admire
the Doctor's enthusiasm.
372
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,479
I couldn't wait
to meet his friends.
373
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:51,684
Hands in the air,
Spring Roll.
374
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:55,021
Empty the register and
don't do anything stupid.
375
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:58,390
Come on! Hey, where are
your security cameras?
376
00:21:58,396 --> 00:21:59,396
We don't have them.
377
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,750
- Seriously?
- Too expensive.
378
00:22:00,753 --> 00:22:03,493
- What the fuck? How's this gonna go viral?
- You want to be filmed?
379
00:22:03,522 --> 00:22:05,058
Shut up and just
get on the ground!
380
00:22:05,191 --> 00:22:08,604
And you'd better tell people
The Motherfucker was here.
381
00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:10,002
What's wrong with you, boy?
382
00:22:10,096 --> 00:22:11,404
Get on the floor,
too, Gandalf,
383
00:22:11,497 --> 00:22:13,534
or I will bust
a cap in your ass.
384
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:14,940
You're gonna bust
your own face
385
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:16,774
when that gun kicks if you
don't hold it properly.
386
00:22:16,869 --> 00:22:18,849
Just get on the ground!
387
00:22:22,274 --> 00:22:24,185
God, will you hurry up!
388
00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:26,247
I told you.
389
00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,437
Go! Go, go, go!
390
00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:44,040
Start the car! Go, go!
391
00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,866
It was amazing!
392
00:22:47,299 --> 00:22:51,270
I feel so alive. I know who I am.
I know why I'm here.
393
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:53,610
I'm gonna fuck this world up!
394
00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:56,050
They will know The Motherfuckers name!
395
00:22:56,142 --> 00:22:59,282
You've gotta find me some bad-ass
MMA types to train me, okay?
396
00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:01,550
Like a Chuck Liddell
or whoever.
397
00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,116
Fuck, I don't care
how much it costs.
398
00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:07,254
I just wanna be able to kill
Kick-Ass with my bare hands.
399
00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:11,229
I gotta tweet about this.
400
00:23:31,944 --> 00:23:33,981
All right.
Are you ready?
401
00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:37,351
Um, I don't know.
Am I?
402
00:23:37,483 --> 00:23:39,190
Yes, you are.
You look great.
403
00:23:39,685 --> 00:23:41,285
And Barbara's daughter,
Brooke, is really nice.
404
00:23:41,287 --> 00:23:43,597
What am I supposed
to talk to them about?
405
00:23:43,656 --> 00:23:46,535
I'd rather be water-boarded
than listen to Justin Bieber.
406
00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:48,759
- You're gonna be fine.
- I'm gonna be a disaster.
407
00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:50,169
How do you know that?
408
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:52,936
Because it's a slumber party,
for fuck's sake.
409
00:23:53,332 --> 00:23:55,005
Dollar. Jar.
410
00:24:00,806 --> 00:24:02,513
You're gonna need
a bigger jar.
411
00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:09,689
Pretty cool, huh? This is how
the beer gets delivered.
412
00:24:11,116 --> 00:24:14,893
Dude. You got a secret elevator
to your underground headquarters.
413
00:24:15,020 --> 00:24:18,058
Yeah. The guy I told
you about owns this place.
414
00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:19,897
It's like a real-life bat-cave.
415
00:24:19,992 --> 00:24:21,494
I know, right.
Oh, yeah.
416
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,636
This is the single greatest
thing I've ever seen.
417
00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:34,912
Welcome to Justice Forever.
418
00:24:40,913 --> 00:24:43,393
Hi, Detective Williams.
This must be Mindy.
419
00:24:43,515 --> 00:24:44,823
It is. Hi, Brooke.
420
00:24:44,917 --> 00:24:48,160
You girls have fun and I'll pick
you up in the morning, okay?
421
00:24:48,254 --> 00:24:49,524
I'll be the one
with the slit wrists.
422
00:24:49,588 --> 00:24:52,228
No, you're gonna be the one
that gets the awesome manicure.
423
00:24:52,358 --> 00:24:54,702
- I am?
- Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
424
00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:57,328
Say "hey" to Mindy, ladies.
425
00:24:57,363 --> 00:24:58,398
Hey.
426
00:24:58,530 --> 00:24:59,531
I know you.
427
00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:02,278
You're that freshman who took a ride
on Dave Lizewski's disco stick.
428
00:25:02,368 --> 00:25:03,540
I did not ride his...
429
00:25:03,602 --> 00:25:05,542
If you just blew him, you're
totes a virgin, right?
430
00:25:05,604 --> 00:25:07,083
She didn't blow him,
look at her.
431
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:08,947
Then what? Rim job?
Hand job? Fingerbang?
432
00:25:09,041 --> 00:25:11,385
Sweet-Ryan-Seacrest, you at
least kissed him, right?
433
00:25:12,778 --> 00:25:13,882
Totes.
434
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,692
You've never kissed
a boy, have you?
435
00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:18,459
Oh, my God,
that is so adorable.
436
00:25:18,550 --> 00:25:19,585
Maybe she's a dyke.
437
00:25:19,685 --> 00:25:21,926
Maybe I'll jam
my foot up your snatch.
438
00:25:22,021 --> 00:25:24,194
Oh, she's super bitchy,
I likes.
439
00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:26,236
Then what's
the big deal anyway?
440
00:25:26,292 --> 00:25:28,704
What could be so great about gagging
on some douche-bag's tongue?
441
00:25:28,794 --> 00:25:30,535
It's pretty fucking great.
442
00:25:30,629 --> 00:25:33,633
You know how you feel when you
watch that video by Union J?
443
00:25:33,766 --> 00:25:36,269
Holy shit, you don't know?
444
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,541
This will change your life.
445
00:25:38,637 --> 00:25:42,483
♪
Don't ever say you're lonely ♪
♪ Just lay your problems on me ♪
446
00:25:42,574 --> 00:25:45,282
♪
And I'll be waiting ♪
♪ there for you ♪
447
00:25:45,878 --> 00:25:48,950
You guys love this shit more than
fanboys love Stan Lee, don't you?
448
00:25:49,048 --> 00:25:50,459
Who's Stan Lee?
449
00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:53,962
♪
I'll carry you I'll carry you ♪
450
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,095
♪
I'll carry you ♪
451
00:25:56,956 --> 00:25:59,994
♪
So you know that ♪
♪ I'll carry you ♪
452
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:04,401
♪
I'll carry you ♪
453
00:26:06,598 --> 00:26:09,010
♪
Like you've been ♪
♪ running for hours ♪
454
00:26:09,101 --> 00:26:10,739
♪
And can't catch your breath ♪
455
00:26:10,803 --> 00:26:14,080
♪
The demons are screaming ♪
♪ so loud in your head ♪
456
00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:16,750
♪
You're tired You're broken ♪
457
00:26:16,809 --> 00:26:18,846
♪
You're cut and you're bruised ♪
458
00:26:18,944 --> 00:26:20,664
♪
But nothing's too heavy ♪
♪ Just hold on ♪
459
00:26:21,847 --> 00:26:23,292
♪
I'll carry you ♪
460
00:26:23,349 --> 00:26:24,479
What the fuck was that?
461
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:25,400
I know, right?
462
00:26:25,402 --> 00:26:26,302
I'm soaked.
463
00:26:26,352 --> 00:26:28,332
That? That is
who you are, Mindy.
464
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:30,491
You may not dress
like us or talk like us,
465
00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,933
but when it comes to boys,
we're all the same.
466
00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:36,005
Twilight. Channing Tatum.
Union J.
467
00:26:36,095 --> 00:26:39,440
It's biology, bitch.
Don't fight it.
468
00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:43,171
I, um...
469
00:26:43,869 --> 00:26:45,007
I gotta go.
470
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:47,604
But we were gonna go and get high
on bath salts at Logan's house.
471
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:49,051
Mindy, I wanna
give you a chance
472
00:26:49,141 --> 00:26:52,452
that the rest of the girls
in our class would kill for.
473
00:26:52,544 --> 00:26:56,219
Don't you wanna walk out the door
every day in skin-tight clothes
474
00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:59,022
knowing that
everyone worships you?
475
00:26:59,118 --> 00:27:02,361
Don't you wanna sneak out at
night, raise a little hell,
476
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:04,161
and show the world
what a strong,
477
00:27:04,223 --> 00:27:07,136
independent woman
is capable of?
478
00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:09,401
Don't you wanna belong?
479
00:27:09,495 --> 00:27:13,136
♪
So you know that ♪
♪ I'll carry you ♪
480
00:27:13,198 --> 00:27:14,370
Can I wear this to Logan's?
481
00:27:14,466 --> 00:27:15,501
Yay!
482
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,136
It's gonna be so much fun.
483
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:22,312
So we tried the cops
and tried the newspapers,
484
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:27,351
and even set up a, you know,
a thing on the Internet
485
00:27:27,479 --> 00:27:30,153
for people to
help us find Tommy.
486
00:27:31,050 --> 00:27:32,393
Um...
487
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:36,330
But we got nothing. We
never saw our son again.
488
00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:40,365
I came up with the name
Remembering Tommy,
489
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:43,666
and, uh, we've been doing this
three nights a week. So...
490
00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,832
Colonel Stars and Stripes
found us online.
491
00:27:47,366 --> 00:27:50,347
That's terrible, guys.
I'm real sorry.
492
00:27:50,436 --> 00:27:54,009
I became Night Bitch after my sister
was murdered and found in a dumpster.
493
00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:55,277
Holy shit.
494
00:27:55,374 --> 00:27:57,047
Doesn't bring her back,
495
00:27:57,109 --> 00:27:59,109
but at least I'm doing
something positive about it.
496
00:27:59,344 --> 00:28:01,290
- Insect Man.
- Yeah, um...
497
00:28:02,214 --> 00:28:05,024
I've been bullied my whole
life for being gay,
498
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:08,030
so now I stand up
for the defenseless.
499
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,360
That's why
I don't wear a mask.
500
00:28:10,422 --> 00:28:11,942
Too much like being
back in the closet.
501
00:28:12,357 --> 00:28:14,268
Long as your
heart's in the right place,
502
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,032
we don't care what you
put in your mouth.
503
00:28:16,128 --> 00:28:18,233
- Fist bump.
- Thank you. Thank you, sir.
504
00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:20,468
Well, I became Battle Guy
505
00:28:20,566 --> 00:28:24,241
after my parents were mugged and
killed coming home from the opera.
506
00:28:24,303 --> 00:28:25,805
Did I tell you
that sick bastard
507
00:28:25,904 --> 00:28:27,645
maxed out their credit
cards on porno sites?
508
00:28:27,739 --> 00:28:30,117
I hope we get the chance to
say hello to this guy someday
509
00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:32,883
so I can personally levitate
his soul from his body.
510
00:28:32,978 --> 00:28:34,616
Oh, my God. Marty?
511
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,417
Yeah, I knew
I recognized your voice.
512
00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:39,722
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
513
00:28:39,885 --> 00:28:42,422
I don't know no Marty.
New guy.
514
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:45,160
Hey, asshole, it's me, Dave.
515
00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,065
Dave? Why are you
dressed like Kick-Ass?
516
00:28:49,228 --> 00:28:51,572
Because I'm Kick-Ass.
517
00:28:51,663 --> 00:28:52,801
You two know each other?
518
00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:54,434
Yeah,
like since we were five.
519
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:58,274
What's all this bullshit about
your parents getting killed?
520
00:28:58,403 --> 00:28:59,939
- Yeesh, language.
- What?
521
00:29:00,072 --> 00:29:02,746
Battle Guy, care to
update your résumé?
522
00:29:03,175 --> 00:29:04,975
Uh...
523
00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:07,240
I'm trying to figure out
how to explain this
524
00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:10,022
without sounding like
a complete idiot right now.
525
00:29:10,115 --> 00:29:12,322
Yeah, I'm not sure
that's possible, Batman.
526
00:29:12,417 --> 00:29:13,487
I'm not, either.
527
00:29:14,119 --> 00:29:15,359
Um...
528
00:29:15,454 --> 00:29:17,054
Okay. Well, when I found
you guys online,
529
00:29:17,089 --> 00:29:19,660
you were all swapping these
awesome origin stories.
530
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,798
I mean, Colonel, you're
ex-Mafia, for Christ's sake.
531
00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:24,931
Yo. Don't take
the Lord's name in vain.
532
00:29:25,097 --> 00:29:26,633
I'm sorry.
533
00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,803
I didn't think you'd
let me join the team
534
00:29:29,868 --> 00:29:31,939
unless I had
a good story, too.
535
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:36,878
All right, we'll let you off the
hook this time, Battle Guy.
536
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:39,885
- Wanna see something cool?
- Yeah.
537
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:42,622
I thought this could
be our meeting room.
538
00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:45,117
Whoa, this is so cool.
539
00:29:45,217 --> 00:29:47,527
Now this little renovation
was totally clandestine,
540
00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:49,792
which means nobody knew about it.
541
00:29:49,955 --> 00:29:54,131
Now, I know it's not much, but
this is just the beginning.
542
00:29:54,226 --> 00:29:55,967
Together we can make
a real difference.
543
00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:57,132
Whoa!
544
00:29:58,463 --> 00:29:59,908
If you'd consider it,
Kick-Ass,
545
00:29:59,998 --> 00:30:01,807
we'd be honored
to have you join us.
546
00:30:05,571 --> 00:30:07,073
Hell, yeah!
547
00:30:07,739 --> 00:30:09,810
That's what I like to hear.
548
00:30:09,975 --> 00:30:12,649
Right, time for initiation.
549
00:30:12,711 --> 00:30:14,088
Turn around
and I'll unzip you.
550
00:30:15,347 --> 00:30:16,348
I'm sorry, what?
551
00:30:16,415 --> 00:30:18,395
Just joking. Let's get
down to business.
552
00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:20,224
Gotcha.
553
00:30:20,319 --> 00:30:22,390
There you are.
554
00:30:22,487 --> 00:30:25,491
We saved you a seat in the
caf, but you never showed.
555
00:30:25,591 --> 00:30:28,162
I usually head over to the
Olive Garden to carb load.
556
00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:31,001
I haven't had white sugar
since my first birthday.
557
00:30:31,063 --> 00:30:32,371
Do we need a thintervention?
558
00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,842
Come on, best way to tighten up
a tummy is varsity dance team.
559
00:30:36,001 --> 00:30:38,208
The sign-up sheet
just went up.
560
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:43,243
It's still blowing
my mind. Kick-Ass.
561
00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:44,342
It's like finding out
your best friend's
562
00:30:44,409 --> 00:30:45,752
always been Will Smith,
you know?
563
00:30:46,945 --> 00:30:49,516
Hi, guys. What are you
talking about?
564
00:30:49,615 --> 00:30:50,923
Nothing.
565
00:30:51,216 --> 00:30:53,787
- Nothing?
- Yeah, Todd, nothing.
566
00:30:54,953 --> 00:30:56,955
All right.
See you around, guys.
567
00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:58,858
Todd, wait.
568
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:02,702
- Ow, watch it.
- Watch me end your life.
569
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,067
Come on. Forget it.
570
00:31:04,129 --> 00:31:06,429
Just one of the dickheads that
follows The Motherfucker on Twitter.
571
00:31:06,531 --> 00:31:07,475
Who?
572
00:31:07,566 --> 00:31:08,766
The Motherfucker.
He's some guy
573
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,400
claiming to be the world's
first supervillain.
574
00:31:10,402 --> 00:31:12,143
He's got 1,000
followers already.
575
00:31:12,237 --> 00:31:13,272
What an asshole.
576
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:16,542
Get some!
Uh-huh! Yeah!
577
00:31:16,642 --> 00:31:18,485
You got this, Motherfucker!
578
00:31:18,577 --> 00:31:20,215
You really think
he's got a shot?
579
00:31:20,279 --> 00:31:21,986
I wouldn't take
his money if I didn't.
580
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:23,753
MA is like chess.
581
00:31:23,815 --> 00:31:27,092
It's all about the moves. And
your boy really knows his stuff.
582
00:31:29,388 --> 00:31:31,163
Time to die, asshole.
583
00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:36,065
- You all right?
- I'm cool. Ow!
584
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:39,342
Good job.
Nice jab, buddy.
585
00:31:39,431 --> 00:31:41,911
Come on, stay loose, baby.
Walk it off, walk it off.
586
00:31:42,668 --> 00:31:44,614
- On!
- Shit!
587
00:31:44,670 --> 00:31:46,081
Oh, you broke my leg!
588
00:31:46,505 --> 00:31:48,314
- Come on. Do something.
- Let's take a break.
589
00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:49,777
Yeah, yeah, let's
take a break, guys. Come on.
590
00:31:49,841 --> 00:31:51,081
Street rules, bitch!
591
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:57,247
Chuck! Get this girl off me!
592
00:31:57,749 --> 00:31:59,489
Hey, what are you doing?
What are you doing, man?
593
00:31:59,584 --> 00:32:01,154
You all right, Chris?
You all right, buddy?
594
00:32:01,253 --> 00:32:02,994
Get off me!
I was winning.
595
00:32:03,088 --> 00:32:04,590
No, you were crying.
596
00:32:05,424 --> 00:32:09,133
You know what? Screw this.
My super power
597
00:32:10,128 --> 00:32:11,971
is that I'm rich as shit.
598
00:32:12,030 --> 00:32:13,771
Hey, you wanna
work for me, huh?
599
00:32:14,366 --> 00:32:16,607
You wanna beat
people up for me?
600
00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:18,539
Sure.
All right!
601
00:32:18,637 --> 00:32:20,344
Let's get you
a mask and a costume,
602
00:32:20,439 --> 00:32:23,716
and we will call you
Black Death.
603
00:32:23,809 --> 00:32:27,120
Whoa, whoa, you don't think that's
just a little bit incredibly racist?
604
00:32:27,212 --> 00:32:28,350
I don't give a shit.
605
00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:29,858
I want you
to put the word out
606
00:32:29,948 --> 00:32:31,621
that I'm willing
to pay top dollar
607
00:32:31,683 --> 00:32:32,889
for every hired
hitter in town.
608
00:32:32,984 --> 00:32:34,214
Come on.
Just talk about it first.
609
00:32:34,219 --> 00:32:35,289
Money talks.
610
00:32:35,454 --> 00:32:37,627
You wanted me
to be my own man.
611
00:32:37,689 --> 00:32:39,168
This is what it looks like.
612
00:32:40,620 --> 00:32:42,720
- All right, all right, I'll make some calls.
- Yes!
613
00:32:42,728 --> 00:32:45,504
Anybody else wanna
be a supervillain?
614
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:48,076
Promise I pay better than
Chuck-little-dick-Liddell.
615
00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:49,736
- What did you call me?
- No, no, man.
616
00:32:49,835 --> 00:32:52,075
He took a hit to the head.
Doesn't know what he's saying.
617
00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:55,641
I've been studying
privately with Coach Podell.
618
00:32:55,741 --> 00:32:59,518
And by studying, I mean my mom
paid her off to make me varsity.
619
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:03,319
So, if you're half decent, I'll
make sure she puts you on the team.
620
00:33:03,415 --> 00:33:04,917
At least as an alternate.
621
00:33:05,016 --> 00:33:06,654
You'd do that for me?
622
00:33:07,085 --> 00:33:09,087
Besties stick together.
623
00:33:09,755 --> 00:33:12,326
If Brooke wants a pet,
she should just get a dog.
624
00:33:12,424 --> 00:33:14,665
She's just trying to recreate
Mindy in her own image.
625
00:33:14,826 --> 00:33:16,828
All right, ladies, have a seat.
Let's get started.
626
00:33:56,201 --> 00:33:57,703
Mindy Macready?
627
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:05,150
Chill. As long as you don't
fall on your face, you're in.
628
00:34:05,811 --> 00:34:06,812
Go.
629
00:34:20,492 --> 00:34:21,937
Four attackers.
630
00:34:23,762 --> 00:34:25,503
No escape.
631
00:35:18,316 --> 00:35:20,023
Oh, my God. You
could totally make captain.
632
00:35:20,118 --> 00:35:21,961
That was so much
better than Brooke's.
633
00:35:22,020 --> 00:35:23,397
Oh, my God.
634
00:35:23,488 --> 00:35:25,568
Brooke doesn't stand a
chance for captain after that.
635
00:35:26,324 --> 00:35:28,463
A bunch of people
with made-up names
636
00:35:28,527 --> 00:35:30,871
standing around
in homemade costumes,
637
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:33,704
searching the web
for unsolved crimes.
638
00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:36,472
The comic book heroes
all have billion-dollar bases
639
00:35:36,568 --> 00:35:39,742
and headquarters on the moon,
but this is the real world.
640
00:35:39,871 --> 00:35:42,317
- ...scales, like a red, white and blue.
- It's awesome.
641
00:35:42,407 --> 00:35:44,080
- What's that?
- Brick.
642
00:35:44,209 --> 00:35:45,244
Right.
643
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:48,980
- What do you think?
- I think it does the job.
644
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:50,558
People should get
what they deserve.
645
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,390
Family living in the street
deserves a hot meal.
646
00:35:54,019 --> 00:35:57,000
An inebriated college girl deserves
to make it home safe at night.
647
00:35:57,055 --> 00:35:59,899
And a pervert, pedophile,
648
00:36:01,726 --> 00:36:04,070
deserves a visit
from Eisenhower.
649
00:36:04,429 --> 00:36:05,669
Schwanz!
650
00:36:06,097 --> 00:36:07,337
Ouch.
651
00:36:07,399 --> 00:36:08,999
You don't wanna hit
with your closed fist.
652
00:36:09,034 --> 00:36:11,241
You might break your hand,
then you're defenseless.
653
00:36:11,336 --> 00:36:14,943
You wanna hit with open palm and pivot.
Open palm and pivot.
654
00:36:15,073 --> 00:36:16,108
You grab the back.
655
00:36:16,441 --> 00:36:19,012
I never made varsity football
656
00:36:19,110 --> 00:36:21,021
or got cast in the school play.
657
00:36:21,079 --> 00:36:23,355
Hell, I never even
made honor roll.
658
00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:24,687
Knock out, bitch!
659
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:29,427
But if I had, I gotta believe it
would've felt a lot like this.
660
00:36:29,721 --> 00:36:32,759
When the cops can no
longer protect and serve,
661
00:36:32,891 --> 00:36:35,565
be warned, mugger,
heads up, perv.
662
00:36:35,694 --> 00:36:38,106
We got the strength,
we got the nerve
663
00:36:38,229 --> 00:36:40,732
to give those in need
what they deserve!
664
00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:42,867
Justice Forever!
665
00:36:44,402 --> 00:36:46,404
We were in
the ultimate clique.
666
00:36:46,538 --> 00:36:48,609
It didn't matter that
no one else knew.
667
00:36:48,707 --> 00:36:51,620
We knew.
And we felt like rock stars.
668
00:36:52,477 --> 00:36:54,889
Good night, guys.
Nice job. Battle Guy.
669
00:36:54,946 --> 00:36:57,620
Night, Colonel.
Thanks for everything.
670
00:36:57,916 --> 00:37:00,089
No, son, thank you.
671
00:37:00,251 --> 00:37:02,925
You showed us that every
man can make a difference.
672
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:06,228
Without Kick-Ass,
none of us would be here.
673
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:09,803
That's from the heart.
Don't let it go to your head.
674
00:37:12,931 --> 00:37:13,932
So...
675
00:37:15,166 --> 00:37:17,305
I'm not really that tired.
676
00:37:26,978 --> 00:37:27,979
Mmm.
677
00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,184
Mmm-mmm?
678
00:37:30,815 --> 00:37:31,816
Mmm. Okay.
679
00:37:31,916 --> 00:37:33,918
Let's leave the masks on.
680
00:37:34,352 --> 00:37:36,127
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
681
00:37:36,187 --> 00:37:37,359
Yeah!
682
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:42,469
First big mission's tonight
683
00:37:42,594 --> 00:37:44,267
and it's not
community service.
684
00:37:44,329 --> 00:37:46,809
We're taking on
some real bad guys.
685
00:37:46,931 --> 00:37:48,672
What, can't your
team handle it?
686
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,473
They're not you, Mindy.
687
00:37:50,602 --> 00:37:53,344
Remembering Tommy
owns a dry fruit business.
688
00:37:53,438 --> 00:37:54,781
Night Bitch teaches ballet.
689
00:37:54,873 --> 00:37:56,352
Night Bitch?
690
00:37:56,441 --> 00:37:59,149
What is she? A superhero
or a soft core porno?
691
00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:01,223
Maybe a little bit of both.
692
00:38:01,346 --> 00:38:04,555
Oh, God, you're plugging her?
693
00:38:04,683 --> 00:38:06,629
I'm gonna vom.
694
00:38:06,718 --> 00:38:08,026
You're like a ninja.
695
00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:11,396
Can't you just sneak out
after Marcus goes to sleep?
696
00:38:12,190 --> 00:38:14,192
You don't get it, Dave.
697
00:38:15,994 --> 00:38:17,371
I made a promise to Marcus.
698
00:38:17,462 --> 00:38:20,204
So break it. You're a
superhero, remember?
699
00:38:20,331 --> 00:38:22,902
Mindy Macready's
just a disguise.
700
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:26,077
Yeah, well, I don't know what
kind of superhero Night Whore is,
701
00:38:26,204 --> 00:38:28,912
but if you really think
I'd ever break my word,
702
00:38:29,007 --> 00:38:30,577
you obviously have
no idea who I am.
703
00:38:30,709 --> 00:38:33,409
I know that making dance team doesn't
make you stop being who you are.
704
00:38:33,478 --> 00:38:35,424
I know Hit Girl
couldn't give a shit
705
00:38:35,513 --> 00:38:36,993
about what high school
girls are into.
706
00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:40,652
I know that you wouldn't go on a
date if your life depended on it.
707
00:38:40,819 --> 00:38:41,889
Go to hell, Dave.
708
00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:43,986
What? You know I'm right.
709
00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,234
Hey! Roid Rage.
710
00:38:47,358 --> 00:38:48,837
- Me?
- Yeah.
711
00:38:48,993 --> 00:38:50,433
You wanna take me
on a date sometime?
712
00:38:50,495 --> 00:38:52,532
Uh, yeah.
Sure. Um...
713
00:38:53,164 --> 00:38:56,008
My name's, um, Simon.
714
00:38:56,568 --> 00:38:58,570
Great, um, Simon.
715
00:38:59,537 --> 00:39:00,743
It's a date.
716
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:03,251
Mindy, I'm sorry.
717
00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:04,411
Is there a problem, Min?
718
00:39:04,509 --> 00:39:05,544
Zero.
719
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:08,556
Good. Because
I don't like problems.
720
00:39:09,781 --> 00:39:11,911
Dave, you been
sneaking out at night?
721
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,000
Mrs. Neipert said
722
00:39:13,010 --> 00:39:15,210
she thought she saw you leaving
at 2:00 in the morning.
723
00:39:15,253 --> 00:39:17,699
Miss Neipert's crazy, Dad.
724
00:39:17,756 --> 00:39:19,929
She tried to teach
her dog Spanish.
725
00:39:21,693 --> 00:39:23,366
Are you on drugs?
726
00:39:23,628 --> 00:39:24,868
Seriously?
727
00:39:24,929 --> 00:39:26,101
I gotta ask.
728
00:39:26,231 --> 00:39:29,576
You're my best bud and
you're growing up so fast.
729
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:32,446
Promise me you're not
doing anything foolish?
730
00:39:33,438 --> 00:39:35,076
Yeah, I promise.
731
00:39:35,907 --> 00:39:37,215
Good enough for me, pal.
732
00:39:38,743 --> 00:39:41,417
You're too smart to
do anything stupid.
733
00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:45,717
Justice Forever!
734
00:39:45,784 --> 00:39:48,594
I'm glad you got that out of your system.
735
00:39:50,088 --> 00:39:53,661
Oh, Todd texted me.
Again. What a loser.
736
00:39:54,893 --> 00:39:57,066
Dude, how bad-ass is
Colonel Stars and Stripes?
737
00:39:57,128 --> 00:39:59,472
Yeah, I still can't believe
he's an ex-mob enforcer.
738
00:39:59,564 --> 00:40:01,840
I mean, how do you go from
that to being a superhero?
739
00:40:01,933 --> 00:40:03,173
He's a born-again Christian.
740
00:40:03,268 --> 00:40:04,508
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
741
00:40:05,737 --> 00:40:08,274
Let's hope he
can handle tonight.
742
00:40:11,075 --> 00:40:13,419
I guess we're
about to find out.
743
00:40:20,285 --> 00:40:22,265
Hey. Where's the rest
of the team?
744
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:24,127
Dr. Gravity has the flu,
745
00:40:24,189 --> 00:40:26,465
and Remembering Tommy got
Book of Mormon tickets, so...
746
00:40:26,524 --> 00:40:28,128
That's okay.
747
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:30,000
Five of us should do.
748
00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:32,665
How did you say this guy made
his money, sir? Prostitution?
749
00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:37,505
Not just girls. Kids. Ships them
in from villages back home.
750
00:40:37,602 --> 00:40:39,604
Boneheads in blue
take a blind eye.
751
00:40:39,771 --> 00:40:41,614
How do you know
he's here tonight?
752
00:40:41,673 --> 00:40:43,880
Because Thursday night
is poker night.
753
00:40:44,008 --> 00:40:46,648
Same five low-lifes
every week.
754
00:40:46,711 --> 00:40:48,341
Man with a habit
ain't hard to find.
755
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:51,186
So what's the plan?
Are we sneaking in?
756
00:40:51,316 --> 00:40:52,659
I thought we'd knock.
757
00:40:52,717 --> 00:40:54,087
- What?
- It's more polite.
758
00:40:54,652 --> 00:40:56,654
Stay frosty, team.
759
00:40:57,188 --> 00:41:00,226
I used to eat punks
like this for breakfast.
760
00:41:02,493 --> 00:41:03,631
Jehovah's Witness!
761
00:41:16,908 --> 00:41:19,081
I'm sorry, I just
zoned out for a second.
762
00:41:19,210 --> 00:41:22,589
Did you say that we're going
up against five gangsters?
763
00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:24,250
And bouncer makes six.
764
00:41:28,186 --> 00:41:29,358
And three-quarters.
765
00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:31,559
What the fuck do you want?
766
00:41:31,689 --> 00:41:34,863
Good evening, young man.
We'd like a word with Jimmy Kim.
767
00:41:34,993 --> 00:41:36,336
If it's not too inconvenient.
768
00:41:39,063 --> 00:41:43,569
Get the fuck out of here before I
tear your head off, you old fuck.
769
00:41:44,836 --> 00:41:45,837
I'm sorry.
770
00:41:46,738 --> 00:41:48,342
I think we're in trouble.
771
00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:50,713
I just don't understand
why people feel the need
772
00:41:50,842 --> 00:41:52,719
to use that kind of language.
773
00:41:57,715 --> 00:41:58,921
Whoa!
774
00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:00,360
There he goes.
775
00:42:03,054 --> 00:42:04,965
Oh, sweet Jesus.
776
00:42:05,056 --> 00:42:09,471
Battle Guy, what did I tell you about
taking the Lord's name in vain?
777
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:10,698
Sorry, sir.
778
00:42:10,795 --> 00:42:13,207
Eisenhower, at the ready.
779
00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:14,884
Insect Man, I want you
right behind me.
780
00:42:14,933 --> 00:42:17,379
Everybody else spread out,
catch the strays.
781
00:42:17,602 --> 00:42:18,706
Oh.
782
00:42:18,770 --> 00:42:22,877
And try to have fun,
otherwise what's the point?
783
00:42:24,375 --> 00:42:26,878
Nice party.
Anybody wanna dance?
784
00:42:34,052 --> 00:42:35,497
Where are you going?
785
00:42:42,126 --> 00:42:43,469
Very nice.
Behind you!
786
00:42:46,798 --> 00:42:48,300
Watch the birdie.
787
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:51,069
Whoo!
788
00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:58,679
Don't you move.
789
00:42:58,776 --> 00:42:59,811
Night Bitch!
Behind you!
790
00:43:04,983 --> 00:43:05,984
Wait.
791
00:43:07,518 --> 00:43:08,929
MARTY; LOOK out!
792
00:43:16,494 --> 00:43:18,770
Okay, I got his right arm.
793
00:43:25,436 --> 00:43:27,006
You know, you shouldn't talk
with your mouth full.
794
00:43:27,105 --> 00:43:29,608
It's very rude.
Come on.
795
00:43:31,175 --> 00:43:32,449
Who the hell are you?
796
00:43:34,112 --> 00:43:35,318
We're the good guys.
797
00:43:35,380 --> 00:43:38,190
Oh, no, you're
the fucking dead guys.
798
00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:42,560
Eisenhower! Schwantz!
799
00:43:47,892 --> 00:43:49,667
On!
800
00:43:51,029 --> 00:43:52,030
Ow!
801
00:43:52,130 --> 00:43:53,131
Where are the girls?
802
00:43:53,197 --> 00:43:55,575
Come on, man.
I've got a heart problem.
803
00:43:55,666 --> 00:43:56,736
Oh, yeah?
804
00:43:57,568 --> 00:43:58,569
No.
805
00:43:58,669 --> 00:44:00,342
Do you want me
to solve that for you?
806
00:44:00,405 --> 00:44:02,351
Whoa, whoa!
807
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,814
Okay. The girls are
upstairs in the apartments.
808
00:44:05,910 --> 00:44:10,154
My little brother, he's on the
till. He's just a college kid.
809
00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:12,021
- Kick-Ass, Night Bitch.
- On it.
810
00:44:12,150 --> 00:44:15,154
Ralph D'Amico is
gonna end you for this.
811
00:44:15,253 --> 00:44:16,664
Ow! It hurts!
812
00:44:16,754 --> 00:44:19,997
Yeah,
there's a dog on your balls.
813
00:44:22,093 --> 00:44:24,869
You want money? There's
50 grand on the table.
814
00:44:24,996 --> 00:44:27,840
Please just make him stop! Please!
815
00:44:28,032 --> 00:44:31,172
You think you can buy us?
Is that what you think?
816
00:44:31,269 --> 00:44:33,442
We're not here
to steal from you.
817
00:44:34,005 --> 00:44:38,579
We're hereto send a message to
all the other bottom-dwellers.
818
00:44:39,577 --> 00:44:41,853
- We're shutting you down.
- Come on.
819
00:44:41,913 --> 00:44:44,689
There is a van waiting outside
from a battered women's shelter.
820
00:44:44,749 --> 00:44:47,093
It'll take you
some place safe.
821
00:44:47,185 --> 00:44:49,222
- Go. Go.
- We really can't leave.
822
00:44:49,353 --> 00:44:51,094
We have no money.
823
00:44:52,023 --> 00:44:54,025
Battle Guy, how much
they have on the table?
824
00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:56,069
Oh, it's like 50 grand.
825
00:44:56,194 --> 00:44:57,935
You got plenty now.
826
00:44:58,062 --> 00:44:59,541
Thank you.
827
00:45:10,241 --> 00:45:11,879
Good job, guys.
828
00:45:11,943 --> 00:45:14,446
Very tidy.
Very tidy.
829
00:45:14,579 --> 00:45:17,560
I can't believe you pulled
a gun on that guy.
830
00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:19,285
Were you really
gonna shoot him?
831
00:45:19,383 --> 00:45:21,294
Let you in on
a little secret.
832
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:25,561
Empty.
Don't tell the bad guys.
833
00:45:25,623 --> 00:45:29,799
Pardon my language, Colonel, but
you have got some serious balls.
834
00:45:29,927 --> 00:45:32,134
Certainly more than Mr. Kim.
835
00:45:32,330 --> 00:45:34,640
"There's a dog on my balls."
836
00:45:37,668 --> 00:45:38,772
God damn it.
837
00:45:39,237 --> 00:45:41,239
- Javier!
- What happened?
838
00:45:41,305 --> 00:45:43,842
Some douche just posted a link
to a story about a whorehouse,
839
00:45:43,941 --> 00:45:45,943
says that Kick-Ass'
team took them out.
840
00:45:46,010 --> 00:45:47,751
What the hell?
Where's my crew?
841
00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:49,070
Chris, everybody's just...
842
00:45:50,815 --> 00:45:53,694
Uh, can you ladies
excuse us for a second?
843
00:45:53,818 --> 00:45:55,024
Uh, no, they're my sidekicks.
844
00:45:55,119 --> 00:45:56,619
They can listen to
what we have to say.
845
00:45:56,621 --> 00:45:57,621
They're not
your sidekicks, Chris.
846
00:45:57,688 --> 00:45:59,964
They're prostitutes
and witnesses, come on.
847
00:46:00,091 --> 00:46:01,934
All right.
Sorry, no offense.
848
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:05,767
Everybody's just too afraid of
your Uncle Ralph to take the job.
849
00:46:05,830 --> 00:46:06,865
But he's in prison.
850
00:46:06,964 --> 00:46:09,035
Doesn't matter.
He runs the family now.
851
00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:11,443
And he wants
everybody to lay low.
852
00:46:11,536 --> 00:46:12,844
But, fortunately for you,
853
00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:15,440
Big Tony doesn't know how
to lay low, so he's in.
854
00:46:15,540 --> 00:46:17,884
I don't remember a Big Tony.
Is he huge? He's ironic.
855
00:46:18,843 --> 00:46:21,517
5 foot 4, but mean as shit.
856
00:46:25,950 --> 00:46:28,624
He's go! such a hard-on
for killing people.
857
00:46:29,153 --> 00:46:32,225
- He's little and he kills.
- Right.
858
00:46:32,857 --> 00:46:34,302
Call him "The Tumor".
859
00:46:34,492 --> 00:46:35,493
Who's next?
860
00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:38,700
All right, we've got, uh, an
ex-Triad member looking for work.
861
00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:40,742
Easy, "Genghis Carnage."
Come on.
862
00:46:42,033 --> 00:46:44,479
You gotta quit with the
racist stereotypes, Chris.
863
00:46:44,535 --> 00:46:46,537
Archetypes.
Keep going.
864
00:46:46,671 --> 00:46:48,673
We got, uh,
Katarina Dumbrovski.
865
00:46:48,739 --> 00:46:49,877
Wait, wait. A chick?
866
00:46:50,007 --> 00:46:51,007
Yeah.
867
00:46:51,075 --> 00:46:52,615
- Seriously, you hired a chick?
- Yeah.
868
00:46:52,677 --> 00:46:57,353
Former KGB. She was locked up in
the Gulag until she ate her cellmate.
869
00:46:57,481 --> 00:47:00,087
Okay. "Mother Russia".
870
00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:03,564
Mother Russia and Motherfucker
both on the same team?
871
00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:04,724
That doesn't work, Chris.
872
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:06,597
I am not asking for
suggestions, asshole.
873
00:47:06,691 --> 00:47:09,865
Just get them costumes
and get them ready!
874
00:47:10,328 --> 00:47:11,398
Shit.
875
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:13,338
Javier, thank you.
876
00:47:13,931 --> 00:47:16,377
I couldn't do this
without you.
877
00:47:17,602 --> 00:47:20,606
You're pretty much like the
only real family I have left.
878
00:47:21,105 --> 00:47:23,608
Not a problem, man.
I got your back.
879
00:47:23,741 --> 00:47:27,450
It's kinda like you're the
Alfred to my evil Bruce Wayne.
880
00:47:27,578 --> 00:47:29,251
Did you just call me
your fucking butler?
881
00:47:29,513 --> 00:47:31,117
Yeah, is that not
a compliment?
882
00:47:32,516 --> 00:47:34,518
Shit. My bad.
883
00:47:37,922 --> 00:47:40,061
There wasn't
much action most nights.
884
00:47:40,124 --> 00:47:43,628
I mean, there was always a
little action with Night Bitch.
885
00:47:46,364 --> 00:47:49,709
The reality of being a
superhero is lots of patrols.
886
00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:53,144
But that didn't stop people
from begging to join up.
887
00:47:56,274 --> 00:48:00,279
With all our new members, it seemed
kinda shitty not to ask Todd.
888
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:04,658
Stop peeking, man,
you're gonna ruin it.
889
00:48:04,782 --> 00:48:07,786
Check it out.
890
00:48:08,786 --> 00:48:12,256
You can't fight crime in that Your
pants are so tight, you got frog-eye.
891
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:13,926
What the
hell's "frog-eye"?
892
00:48:13,991 --> 00:48:15,629
Male camel toe.
What?
893
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,550
I'm not really sure about
these names, either.
894
00:48:18,576 --> 00:48:20,257
"Whup-Ass," "Kick-Ass-Man."
895
00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:22,605
"Dr. Kick-Ass"?
Yeah.
896
00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:25,737
Yeah, they all
kinda seem derivative.
897
00:48:25,836 --> 00:48:27,144
Let me translate that.
898
00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:29,844
You can't just copy Dave's
name, you knob-gobbler.
899
00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:32,015
Okay. Um...
900
00:48:32,810 --> 00:48:33,948
Uh...
901
00:48:34,011 --> 00:48:36,116
Oh, wait. Oh, I got it.
902
00:48:36,347 --> 00:48:37,587
I got it. I got it.
903
00:48:39,417 --> 00:48:41,090
"Ass Kicker".
904
00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,027
Seriously?
905
00:48:44,121 --> 00:48:45,361
You're such a dick, Marty.
906
00:48:45,456 --> 00:48:47,056
I know this is why you guys
aren't texting me back,
907
00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:48,161
I'm not an actual idiot.
908
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,432
Well, you could have
fooled me, Ass-Licker.
909
00:48:50,795 --> 00:48:53,799
Yeah. well, screw you guys.
Todd...
910
00:48:53,864 --> 00:48:55,775
No, really.
Fuck you guys.
911
00:48:55,833 --> 00:48:57,107
I'm gonna go find
my own team.
912
00:48:57,201 --> 00:48:58,703
Todd. Wait. Come on.
913
00:49:00,538 --> 00:49:03,542
Todd was right,
we were being dicks.
914
00:49:03,641 --> 00:49:05,081
But the truth is,
the only person...
915
00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:07,988
I really wanted on
the team was Mindy,
916
00:49:08,379 --> 00:49:11,622
but she was too busy
trying not to be a superhero.
917
00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:13,959
Okay, Min, he's here.
918
00:49:20,624 --> 00:49:23,298
Your first big date.
How are you feeling?
919
00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:25,372
Like the first time
Big Daddy sent me into
920
00:49:25,463 --> 00:49:28,137
a crack den with nothing
but a penknife.
921
00:49:28,833 --> 00:49:31,006
I've got some butterflies.
922
00:49:32,203 --> 00:49:35,207
You just be yourself
and you let me be nervous.
923
00:49:35,339 --> 00:49:38,980
Don't worry about me. I can
kill a man with his own finger.
924
00:49:39,043 --> 00:49:42,081
A word of advice, I wouldn't
open with that.
925
00:49:46,417 --> 00:49:48,556
Thanks for letting me
finally take you out.
926
00:49:48,652 --> 00:49:49,824
Well, uh,
927
00:49:50,221 --> 00:49:53,168
how else was I gonna get
you to stop calling?
928
00:49:53,491 --> 00:49:55,493
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
929
00:50:08,706 --> 00:50:09,912
Where are we going?
930
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,179
To a party.
931
00:50:11,275 --> 00:50:14,119
Why is this party in
the middle of nowhere?
932
00:50:14,211 --> 00:50:17,522
Because that's where keg
parties usually are, right?
933
00:50:31,128 --> 00:50:32,573
Guess we're
the first ones here.
934
00:50:32,696 --> 00:50:35,233
This isn't where you
have a party, moron.
935
00:50:35,299 --> 00:50:36,744
This is where you
dump a dead body.
936
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:38,403
What's your problem?
937
00:50:38,469 --> 00:50:39,641
I'm sorry.
938
00:50:40,871 --> 00:50:43,283
I'll stop being such a bitch.
939
00:50:43,374 --> 00:50:44,694
You actually seem
like a nice guy.
940
00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:47,981
So, um...
941
00:50:49,213 --> 00:50:50,487
You wanna hook up?
942
00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:51,787
And a total idiot.
943
00:50:54,652 --> 00:50:56,791
Simon, get back in the car.
944
00:50:57,288 --> 00:50:58,631
Now!
945
00:51:08,165 --> 00:51:10,008
Yay, you made it.
946
00:51:10,167 --> 00:51:11,646
Brooke?
947
00:51:12,169 --> 00:51:15,150
This is to celebrate you.
948
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:17,317
Celebrate?
949
00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,410
What a total loser you are.
950
00:51:20,144 --> 00:51:22,647
And we ditch losers.
951
00:51:23,681 --> 00:51:26,787
Poor Mindy.
What did you think?
952
00:51:27,251 --> 00:51:29,754
The cool kids saw
something special in you
953
00:51:29,820 --> 00:51:32,300
and invited you
to your first party
954
00:51:32,690 --> 00:51:34,328
where you'd sip
your first beer
955
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:37,372
and finally suck face
for the first time?
956
00:51:37,862 --> 00:51:40,934
Newsflash,
you're not special.
957
00:51:43,534 --> 00:51:47,004
Fuck with the queen bee
and you're gonna get stung.
958
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:50,779
Date ditch.
959
00:51:51,709 --> 00:51:52,881
Party at my house!
960
00:51:52,977 --> 00:51:54,047
Pathetic.
961
00:51:54,144 --> 00:51:56,488
Simon, you can drive us.
962
00:52:42,893 --> 00:52:44,099
Dave?
963
00:52:45,529 --> 00:52:49,739
Oh, my God! Mindy? Holy shit.
What are you doing?
964
00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:54,176
Just needed to see
my Robin, I guess.
965
00:52:57,207 --> 00:52:59,016
Are you okay?
966
00:52:59,677 --> 00:53:01,418
Hey, hey, hey.
967
00:53:05,849 --> 00:53:07,920
I don't know what to do.
968
00:53:08,185 --> 00:53:10,187
Those girls, they're...
969
00:53:11,221 --> 00:53:12,894
They're evil.
970
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:15,735
It's just high school.
Who gives a shit?
971
00:53:15,793 --> 00:53:19,297
You should be out there in the real
world making it a better place.
972
00:53:20,364 --> 00:53:21,604
Dave, I can't.
973
00:53:21,699 --> 00:53:23,440
I know,
you promised your dad.
974
00:53:26,203 --> 00:53:28,080
But he's not here anymore.
975
00:53:28,872 --> 00:53:31,716
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
976
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:35,986
How am I supposed
to face them tomorrow?
977
00:53:37,548 --> 00:53:38,583
I'm so embarrassed.
978
00:53:38,649 --> 00:53:39,650
Why?
979
00:53:39,750 --> 00:53:44,221
You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're funny.
980
00:53:46,724 --> 00:53:50,331
You're the strongest person I've ever met.
You can do anything.
981
00:53:50,628 --> 00:53:52,574
And you're Hit Girl.
982
00:53:52,830 --> 00:53:56,141
Doesn't matter if you're
wearing a mask or makeup,
983
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:57,678
it's who you really are.
984
00:53:59,503 --> 00:54:02,177
So what should I do?
Cut their tongues out?
985
00:54:02,272 --> 00:54:03,774
No! Definitely not.
986
00:54:03,841 --> 00:54:05,320
I'm fucking with you.
987
00:54:08,579 --> 00:54:10,650
Just beat them
at their own game.
988
00:54:11,849 --> 00:54:13,851
By being yourself.
989
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,769
Well, if you
really wanna be popular,
990
00:54:24,928 --> 00:54:28,933
consider two little words,
"sexy" "tape."
991
00:54:45,616 --> 00:54:48,222
Lois, you don't
need these ax wounds.
992
00:54:48,318 --> 00:54:50,821
If I can dress
like them, so can you.
993
00:54:51,622 --> 00:54:55,160
It's a gift from some drug
dealer who went missing.
994
00:54:56,326 --> 00:54:58,306
Just because
you dress like us,
995
00:54:58,462 --> 00:55:00,373
doesn't mean you
can be like one of us.
996
00:55:00,698 --> 00:55:03,975
It doesn't matter what costume
I wear, yours or mine,
997
00:55:04,068 --> 00:55:06,912
I'm a superhero.
That's who I am.
998
00:55:07,037 --> 00:55:09,017
Okay,
Captain Muffin-Muncher,
999
00:55:09,073 --> 00:55:10,711
have fun playing
make-believe.
1000
00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:11,843
This?
1001
00:55:11,909 --> 00:55:13,547
This is all make-believe,
Brooke.
1002
00:55:13,644 --> 00:55:16,147
The reality is
you're an evil bitch
1003
00:55:16,246 --> 00:55:18,658
who's just as bad as
the worst criminal scum.
1004
00:55:19,550 --> 00:55:22,861
You wanna get real, Mindy?
In the real world, I win.
1005
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:26,058
I go to an awesome college,
I marry a hot guy
1006
00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:27,328
and I make adorable
1007
00:55:27,391 --> 00:55:30,861
babies for my nanny to take care
of while we vacay in Paris.
1008
00:55:30,994 --> 00:55:34,737
My life is gonna rock
and yours is gonna suck.
1009
00:55:34,865 --> 00:55:37,038
And no matter
how slutty you dress,
1010
00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:40,671
no boy is ever gonna wanna kiss
that hole you call a mouth.
1011
00:55:40,771 --> 00:55:44,116
So why don't you spare us all the
whining and slit your wrists now?
1012
00:55:44,140 --> 00:55:45,910
'Cause the only thing
that's gonna ruin my day
1013
00:55:46,009 --> 00:55:48,785
is looking at your face
one more second.
1014
00:55:49,079 --> 00:55:51,025
- Told her.
- Damn.
1015
00:55:52,683 --> 00:55:54,924
What's that?
A ghetto cell phone?
1016
00:55:55,119 --> 00:55:57,713
Gonna call for
help with a come-back?
1017
00:55:57,720 --> 00:55:58,420
Hmm.
1018
00:55:58,422 --> 00:56:02,632
Actually, my daddy bought this
from a disgruntled DARPA employee.
1019
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:05,764
You see, it was designed for crowd
control, but deemed too severe.
1020
00:56:05,896 --> 00:56:09,901
It emits a pulse that creates
spontaneous nausea and diarrhea.
1021
00:56:10,234 --> 00:56:12,544
He called it
"the sick stick."
1022
00:56:12,636 --> 00:56:14,479
Either your daddy
got ripped off,
1023
00:56:14,571 --> 00:56:16,881
or you're back in make-believe
land, sweetheart,
1024
00:56:17,441 --> 00:56:19,546
because we feel fabulous.
1025
00:56:19,710 --> 00:56:21,212
Not for long.
1026
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,924
Oh, my God!
1027
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:36,067
You get away from me.
Please, you win.
1028
00:56:36,126 --> 00:56:38,732
I don't wanna win. I just want to
make the world a better place.
1029
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:56,417
Dad?
1030
00:56:56,580 --> 00:56:59,151
You home? Dad?
1031
00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:03,322
Is this what
you've been up to
1032
00:57:03,420 --> 00:57:05,627
while I'm out working nights
saving for your college?
1033
00:57:05,756 --> 00:57:08,032
You've been dressing up
and fighting people?
1034
00:57:08,125 --> 00:57:10,969
There is blood on
these stick things.
1035
00:57:11,929 --> 00:57:13,636
What are you doing
in my room?
1036
00:57:13,697 --> 00:57:15,608
I was looking for drugs.
1037
00:57:15,666 --> 00:57:16,701
I was worried about you.
1038
00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:17,972
Okay, good.
Now you can stop.
1039
00:57:18,035 --> 00:57:19,878
No. Now I'm even
more worried.
1040
00:57:19,970 --> 00:57:22,007
Jesus, Dave,
drugs would have been better.
1041
00:57:22,105 --> 00:57:23,778
This is deranged.
1042
00:57:23,841 --> 00:57:25,787
Whoa. Some people
do a lot worse.
1043
00:57:25,943 --> 00:57:27,684
- Oh, the people you hang out with?
- No.
1044
00:57:27,778 --> 00:57:30,019
The people I hang out
with are superheroes.
1045
00:57:30,113 --> 00:57:32,184
There is no such thing, Dave.
1046
00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:35,126
This is the real world
with real consequences.
1047
00:57:35,185 --> 00:57:36,528
When are you gonna grow up?
1048
00:57:36,620 --> 00:57:38,293
If it means
turning into you, never.
1049
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,696
I don't wear the mask because
I'm ashamed of who I am.
1050
00:57:40,791 --> 00:57:42,793
Not like you.
1051
00:57:43,527 --> 00:57:44,801
What's that supposed to mean?
1052
00:57:44,862 --> 00:57:47,206
If you're not at work,
you're here doing crunches.
1053
00:57:47,331 --> 00:57:49,174
Why? So you can
look like someone else?
1054
00:57:49,233 --> 00:57:51,474
Maybe get a few more years
of doing nothing?
1055
00:57:51,535 --> 00:57:53,708
Your life has
no meaning, Dad.
1056
00:57:53,804 --> 00:57:55,477
When you're gone,
who's gonna notice?
1057
00:57:55,539 --> 00:57:56,539
Where the hell are you going?
1058
00:57:56,640 --> 00:57:59,712
Oh, uh, I'm leaving. That's
what you do when you grow up.
1059
00:58:07,551 --> 00:58:09,827
Did he say why
he wanted to see me?
1060
00:58:09,887 --> 00:58:12,595
When your Uncle Ralph
calls, I don't ask questions.
1061
00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:18,033
Just the kid.
1062
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:22,333
Chris, just be cool
and you'll be fine.
1063
00:58:27,004 --> 00:58:28,711
Hey, how you doing?
1064
00:58:28,772 --> 00:58:30,080
Good, Uncle Ralph.
1065
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:33,848
Listen, Chrissy, things have been
tough all around since your dad,
1066
00:58:33,911 --> 00:58:35,015
you know.
1067
00:58:35,545 --> 00:58:39,015
Well, I been trying to get the
family back on track from in here.
1068
00:58:39,182 --> 00:58:40,889
They record these things.
1069
00:58:40,951 --> 00:58:42,362
I know, it's fine.
1070
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,090
The warden's a pal.
Now listen to me.
1071
00:58:45,222 --> 00:58:46,633
It's okay to
have a bit of fun,
1072
00:58:46,723 --> 00:58:48,862
but you can't go hiring
a gang of heavy hitters.
1073
00:58:49,059 --> 00:58:50,936
Javier should have told you.
1074
00:58:51,028 --> 00:58:52,439
No, it doesn't matter.
1075
00:58:52,562 --> 00:58:56,533
Uncle Ralph, I am gonna make
Kick-Ass pay for what he did to us.
1076
00:58:56,600 --> 00:58:59,581
Chrissy, you need
to forget that punk.
1077
00:58:59,636 --> 00:59:01,547
It's more important
that you stay out of this.
1078
00:59:01,905 --> 00:59:04,886
You're not like me,
or your dad, you're, uh...
1079
00:59:05,876 --> 00:59:07,048
Special.
1080
00:59:11,081 --> 00:59:14,085
You can't tell me
what to do anymore.
1081
00:59:14,718 --> 00:59:17,062
I know who I am now.
1082
00:59:17,120 --> 00:59:18,224
Oh, yeah?
1083
00:59:18,989 --> 00:59:20,627
And who's that?
1084
00:59:20,724 --> 00:59:22,101
The Motherfucker.
1085
00:59:27,497 --> 00:59:30,000
You think you're
the big bad guy, huh?
1086
00:59:31,735 --> 00:59:34,944
Let me show you what
real evil looks like.
1087
00:59:44,648 --> 00:59:45,854
Hello?
1088
00:59:46,850 --> 00:59:48,454
Javier, what's going on?
1089
00:59:48,585 --> 00:59:50,155
Chris, what's up?
1090
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:51,773
What are you doing
on Lou's phone, huh?
1091
00:59:51,922 --> 00:59:53,697
Drop yours in
the toilet again?
1092
00:59:53,790 --> 00:59:54,996
Everything okay?
1093
01:00:19,316 --> 01:00:22,320
Thank you for that
I needed it.
1094
01:00:23,887 --> 01:00:25,195
For what comes next.
1095
01:00:25,288 --> 01:00:26,733
Don't be stupid, Chris.
1096
01:00:26,823 --> 01:00:30,032
Just get out of town for a while.
Go to college or something.
1097
01:00:30,127 --> 01:00:33,665
Why? You just taught me
everything I needed to know.
1098
01:00:40,971 --> 01:00:42,541
Voila!
1099
01:00:42,639 --> 01:00:48,487
Presto and elegant, damn. Them
boys designed a very tasty logo.
1100
01:00:52,883 --> 01:00:55,693
What's the matter, girl?
You hear something?
1101
01:00:56,720 --> 01:00:58,666
Come on, let's go see.
Come on!
1102
01:01:04,828 --> 01:01:06,569
Anybody out here?
1103
01:01:08,231 --> 01:01:09,835
I don't see anything.
1104
01:01:11,601 --> 01:01:14,741
Gonna have to stay in there until
you calm down, you lunatic.
1105
01:01:19,543 --> 01:01:21,386
I wonder what's
bothering you.
1106
01:01:21,778 --> 01:01:24,850
I know. Tonight you die.
1107
01:01:26,683 --> 01:01:28,060
Ladies first.
1108
01:01:28,118 --> 01:01:29,893
You will not shoot me.
1109
01:01:30,053 --> 01:01:34,729
You are superhero. You help people.
You do not hurt them.
1110
01:01:35,192 --> 01:01:37,604
That's supervillain
territory.
1111
01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,105
Or as I like to
call my little gang,
1112
01:01:39,229 --> 01:01:40,606
the Toxic Mega-Cums.
1113
01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:42,040
Hi.
1114
01:01:48,138 --> 01:01:50,448
Yeah, like your head.
1115
01:02:01,551 --> 01:02:02,655
Yay!
1116
01:02:03,253 --> 01:02:04,391
Ooh, it's gotta hurt!
1117
01:02:17,901 --> 01:02:20,404
I did my homework
on you, Colonel.
1118
01:02:20,804 --> 01:02:23,410
You used to be
Sal Bertolini, didn't you?
1119
01:02:23,473 --> 01:02:27,421
Did a few jobs for my dad back in the
day, before you got "born again."
1120
01:02:27,611 --> 01:02:30,820
I used to hang with
a lot of losers.
1121
01:02:32,449 --> 01:02:36,454
Is this how you thought you'd die, Sal?
Dressed like an idiot?
1122
01:02:37,921 --> 01:02:39,992
Who are you supposed to be?
1123
01:02:40,090 --> 01:02:41,933
I'm The Motherfucker!
1124
01:02:42,025 --> 01:02:45,438
And I'm here to end Kick-Ass.
Not just kill him.
1125
01:02:45,529 --> 01:02:49,102
I am gonna shit on
everything that he loves.
1126
01:02:49,166 --> 01:02:52,045
Let's trash this place, guys.
1127
01:02:59,543 --> 01:03:01,284
"Miranda Swedlow"?
1128
01:03:02,479 --> 01:03:05,892
Who's that, Sal? She one
of the whores on your team?
1129
01:03:19,863 --> 01:03:23,538
Night Bitch all
snuggled up to Kick-Ass.
1130
01:03:23,633 --> 01:03:26,079
Looks like our boy's
got a new hot pocket.
1131
01:03:28,138 --> 01:03:30,049
Want me to kill his dog?
1132
01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:33,246
The dog? Jesus Christ,
I'm not that evil.
1133
01:03:35,078 --> 01:03:37,080
Cut the old man's head off.
1134
01:03:37,214 --> 01:03:39,387
You guys hungry?
I'm starving. Come on.
1135
01:03:39,482 --> 01:03:41,587
Pizza, can we get pizza?
1136
01:03:41,685 --> 01:03:42,686
We're getting pizza.
1137
01:03:42,752 --> 01:03:45,562
Don't worry,
I kill you first.
1138
01:03:49,059 --> 01:03:50,936
Justice For...
1139
01:03:51,561 --> 01:03:52,562
...ever.
1140
01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:55,666
A Brooklyn resident was found
decapitated last night.
1141
01:03:55,999 --> 01:03:57,740
According to Twitter,
a man claiming to be
1142
01:03:57,834 --> 01:03:59,780
the world's
first supervillain...
1143
01:03:59,869 --> 01:04:02,679
Hold you, no TV.
You're grounded, remember?
1144
01:04:03,406 --> 01:04:05,426
Marcus, I know
I made you a promise,
1145
01:04:05,542 --> 01:04:06,942
but I can't keep
being someone I'm not.
1146
01:04:06,943 --> 01:04:08,786
When I see evil,
I have to stop it.
1147
01:04:08,912 --> 01:04:12,121
Mindy, what you did to those girls
at school was unacceptable.
1148
01:04:12,249 --> 01:04:14,329
You could have really hurt them.
You're right, I could have,
1149
01:04:14,351 --> 01:04:16,194
but instead I sent them home
with tummy-aches.
1150
01:04:16,253 --> 01:04:17,857
Boo-fucking-hoo.
1151
01:04:17,921 --> 01:04:21,121
I don't get it. This obsession that
you have with revenge is not healthy.
1152
01:04:21,191 --> 01:04:23,034
If you don't let me
and the police do our jobs,
1153
01:04:23,093 --> 01:04:24,973
there is gonna be nothing
that I can do for you.
1154
01:04:25,028 --> 01:04:26,530
You're never gonna
have a normal life
1155
01:04:26,596 --> 01:04:28,096
and you'll probably
end up like your father.
1156
01:04:28,131 --> 01:04:29,872
Marcus, they cut
a guy's head off.
1157
01:04:29,933 --> 01:04:31,879
Who else is going
to stop them?
1158
01:04:31,968 --> 01:04:34,039
Kick-Ass? You?
1159
01:04:34,571 --> 01:04:37,245
You go to your room
and do your homework.
1160
01:04:46,816 --> 01:04:47,988
Now!
1161
01:04:52,155 --> 01:04:55,602
Hey, guys, we're signing a
sympathy card for the Colonel's sister.
1162
01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:59,605
You wanna go 5 bucks each so we
can send flowers from the team?
1163
01:05:01,231 --> 01:05:03,302
Did you guys see The
Motherfuckers Twitter page?
1164
01:05:03,433 --> 01:05:05,504
Who is this guy? And what's
his problem with us?
1165
01:05:05,635 --> 01:05:08,275
I don't know, but he has got
some elephant-sized balls.
1166
01:05:08,405 --> 01:05:10,976
He's been bragging on the web about
what they did to the Colonel.
1167
01:05:11,107 --> 01:05:12,484
Can that be traced?
1168
01:05:12,575 --> 01:05:15,317
I tried.
His IP address is masked.
1169
01:05:15,445 --> 01:05:18,125
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna organize a fight.
1170
01:05:18,248 --> 01:05:20,455
There are a lot of guys online who
said they're in if we need them.
1171
01:05:20,517 --> 01:05:22,622
Are you kidding me?
This isn't West Side Story.
1172
01:05:22,686 --> 01:05:24,597
We didn't join up
to be in a gang.
1173
01:05:24,654 --> 01:05:26,054
We did this so
we could help people.
1174
01:05:26,156 --> 01:05:28,261
Shannon! right. We need to
leave this to the cops.
1175
01:05:28,358 --> 01:05:29,860
We better start
walking in pairs.
1176
01:05:29,959 --> 01:05:33,873
Motherfuckers tweeted that the
Colonel was just the beginning.
1177
01:05:33,963 --> 01:05:35,874
Anybody seen Night Bitch?
1178
01:05:47,210 --> 01:05:48,951
Are you sure
she's on that team?
1179
01:05:49,012 --> 01:05:53,188
Stupid gash posted on her superhero
page that shes dating Kick-Ass.
1180
01:05:53,316 --> 01:05:55,353
So, yeah, I'm damn sure.
1181
01:05:59,322 --> 01:06:00,665
Hello, Night Bitch!
1182
01:06:00,724 --> 01:06:01,998
Hey.
1183
01:06:03,393 --> 01:06:05,896
Oh, she wants to take
the party upstairs.
1184
01:06:06,029 --> 01:06:08,168
We're gonna have a party.
1185
01:06:08,298 --> 01:06:10,141
She closed the door.
1186
01:06:15,205 --> 01:06:17,515
Don't worry, darling,
I'm not gonna kill you.
1187
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:20,211
I want you to give a message
to your boyfriend.
1188
01:06:22,178 --> 01:06:23,680
Come on, wriggly.
1189
01:06:23,813 --> 01:06:24,985
Let go!
1190
01:06:25,081 --> 01:06:27,857
You're done banging superheroes, baby.
1191
01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,590
It's time to see what
evil dick feels like.
1192
01:06:38,328 --> 01:06:39,602
Shit.
1193
01:06:40,263 --> 01:06:41,571
What's wrong?
1194
01:06:44,100 --> 01:06:45,841
What are you doing?
1195
01:06:47,904 --> 01:06:49,042
Come on!
1196
01:06:51,007 --> 01:06:54,352
God, okay, I'm just...
I'm not in the mood.
1197
01:06:54,444 --> 01:06:56,583
I guess evil dick feels limp.
1198
01:06:57,180 --> 01:06:59,683
Hurt her. Bad!
1199
01:07:01,618 --> 01:07:03,256
Cops are coming.
1200
01:07:03,353 --> 01:07:06,800
Leave it to Mother Russia. She
makes 10 times what we do.
1201
01:07:06,923 --> 01:07:10,632
Fifty thousand a week.
Plus expenses.
1202
01:07:12,362 --> 01:07:13,534
Hey, watch out!
1203
01:07:22,539 --> 01:07:23,882
Wow!
1204
01:07:35,051 --> 01:07:36,553
Reverse it! Reverse it!
1205
01:07:45,462 --> 01:07:46,805
Don't move! Freeze!
1206
01:07:53,002 --> 01:07:55,243
Fifty thousand.
She's worth it'
1207
01:08:04,581 --> 01:08:05,821
Whoa, whoa!
Why are they backing up?
1208
01:08:05,915 --> 01:08:07,758
Why is there a lawnmower
on the trunk?
1209
01:08:11,488 --> 01:08:12,660
Wow!
1210
01:08:19,596 --> 01:08:21,303
We need back-up,
eight men down.
1211
01:08:22,432 --> 01:08:24,173
I think you mean 10.
1212
01:08:34,511 --> 01:08:37,720
Let's bounce! Put the word out
I'm building an evil army.
1213
01:08:37,814 --> 01:08:40,124
All psychopaths
and ex-cons welcome.
1214
01:08:40,216 --> 01:08:43,459
I don't think you're gonna have a
problem when people hear about this.
1215
01:08:48,291 --> 01:08:50,066
They just disappeared?
1216
01:08:50,460 --> 01:08:51,871
All they have to do is
take off their masks,
1217
01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:54,373
no one's gonna recognize them once
they're back in their street clothes.
1218
01:08:54,464 --> 01:08:56,341
Your attention, please!
1219
01:08:56,466 --> 01:09:00,812
Feds traced the IP addresses for
all those other costumed freaks.
1220
01:09:00,904 --> 01:09:02,383
We got every law
enforcement agency
1221
01:09:02,472 --> 01:09:04,679
in the state working
to hit them at once!
1222
01:09:04,807 --> 01:09:06,548
Why is Kick-Ass
on this list?
1223
01:09:06,643 --> 01:09:07,678
His crew does
community service.
1224
01:09:07,810 --> 01:09:10,916
I don't give a shit. Anyone wearing
a mask is getting detained.
1225
01:09:11,014 --> 01:09:13,426
We're putting an end
to this tonight!
1226
01:09:13,983 --> 01:09:17,487
A lot of people said the cops
were too heavy-handed that night.
1227
01:09:18,187 --> 01:09:20,360
But you gotta put it
into context.
1228
01:09:21,424 --> 01:09:24,234
The police didn't mind
our real life superhero stuff
1229
01:09:24,327 --> 01:09:25,738
as long as we were
picking up litter
1230
01:09:25,828 --> 01:09:27,535
or helping old ladies
cross the street.
1231
01:09:29,265 --> 01:09:31,768
But suddenly it was serious.
1232
01:09:32,335 --> 01:09:36,181
Suddenly we represented everything
that was wrong with society.
1233
01:09:36,706 --> 01:09:38,014
Freeze!
1234
01:09:38,274 --> 01:09:42,051
Dad had warned me that the real
world had real consequences.
1235
01:09:42,512 --> 01:09:45,789
As they pulled up, he must have been
feeling pretty damn vindicated.
1236
01:09:47,717 --> 01:09:51,062
Oh, shit, Dave.
What have you done?
1237
01:09:55,024 --> 01:09:56,628
Police, open up.
1238
01:10:01,297 --> 01:10:02,435
Hey.
1239
01:10:02,532 --> 01:10:03,533
Hi.
1240
01:10:03,700 --> 01:10:06,704
Uh, uh, it's me, Kick-Ass.
1241
01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:10,878
Wow.
1242
01:10:12,041 --> 01:10:13,782
You're actually pretty cute
under that mask.
1243
01:10:15,244 --> 01:10:18,225
I'm so sorry
about what happened.
1244
01:10:18,281 --> 01:10:19,783
Don't be.
1245
01:10:20,750 --> 01:10:22,559
It's my own fault.
1246
01:10:22,719 --> 01:10:25,325
We're gonna find these
assholes and make this right.
1247
01:10:25,421 --> 01:10:27,128
What's the point?
1248
01:10:29,225 --> 01:10:30,966
I mean,
we're really superheroes
1249
01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,733
about as much as
we're really dating.
1250
01:10:33,262 --> 01:10:35,936
We don't even know
each others names.
1251
01:10:36,899 --> 01:10:39,641
I think it's time to get
back to the real world.
1252
01:10:40,470 --> 01:10:43,508
I thought we were trying
to make it a better place.
1253
01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:46,909
Then why is it worse?
1254
01:10:48,778 --> 01:10:50,780
Maybe Night Bitch was right,
1255
01:10:51,247 --> 01:10:53,249
which means Dad was, too.
1256
01:10:54,250 --> 01:10:57,254
I mean, things had
gotten out of hand.
1257
01:10:57,754 --> 01:11:00,132
Maybe it was time for me to
stop crashing at Marty's
1258
01:11:00,189 --> 01:11:02,100
and start apologizing.
1259
01:11:11,868 --> 01:11:12,972
Dad?
1260
01:11:13,636 --> 01:11:15,445
Whoa, whoa.
That's my dad.
1261
01:11:15,605 --> 01:11:17,050
Your dad's Kick-Ass?
What?
1262
01:11:17,140 --> 01:11:18,778
Yeah, he just
gave himself up.
1263
01:11:20,476 --> 01:11:23,286
You don't understand. He's
doing this to protect me.
1264
01:11:23,379 --> 01:11:24,653
Dad!
1265
01:11:25,548 --> 01:11:26,618
Dad!
1266
01:11:43,733 --> 01:11:45,333
-
Mindy?
- Dave?
1267
01:11:45,400 --> 01:11:47,030
I need your help.
My dad's been arrested.
1268
01:11:47,040 --> 01:11:49,170
They think he's Kick-Ass.
Can you talk to Marcus?
1269
01:11:49,305 --> 01:11:51,148
- I'm grounded.
- So?
1270
01:11:51,240 --> 01:11:53,083
So that means
I can't get involved.
1271
01:11:53,084 --> 01:11:53,784
Ok, look.
1272
01:11:53,790 --> 01:11:54,990
-
I wish I could help.
- Wait a second.
1273
01:11:55,000 --> 01:11:57,200
Mindy!
Are you on the phone?
1274
01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:58,417
Look, I gotta go, okay?
1275
01:11:58,981 --> 01:12:00,187
I'm sorry, Dave.
1276
01:12:00,249 --> 01:12:01,387
Mindy, wait, wait.
1277
01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:15,703
Hey, what the hell
were you thinking?
1278
01:12:15,832 --> 01:12:17,743
Yeah, I could ask you
the same thing.
1279
01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:19,871
I can't believe
you lied to them.
1280
01:12:19,936 --> 01:12:21,566
I wasn't gonna do nothing
while you went to jail.
1281
01:12:21,671 --> 01:12:24,914
I chose this. You should let
me deal with the consequences.
1282
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:26,452
I thought you
wanted me to grow up.
1283
01:12:26,542 --> 01:12:29,751
Yeah? When you get a kid of your
own one day, you'll understand.
1284
01:12:29,846 --> 01:12:30,846
I'm gonna tell them
the truth.
1285
01:12:30,913 --> 01:12:33,018
No. Hey...
It'll just make things worse.
1286
01:12:33,182 --> 01:12:35,093
Look, I spoke to my attorney.
1287
01:12:35,184 --> 01:12:37,027
He said they gotta
let me out by tomorrow.
1288
01:12:37,186 --> 01:12:39,564
No actual crime
was committed.
1289
01:12:41,691 --> 01:12:44,695
There are people out there
who wanna kill Kick-Ass.
1290
01:12:45,695 --> 01:12:48,039
Well, the cops are out
there looking for them,
1291
01:12:48,097 --> 01:12:51,943
so the safest place for Kick-Ass
is right here, locked away.
1292
01:12:52,068 --> 01:12:54,412
I don't know how you got
into all this shit, but
1293
01:12:54,470 --> 01:12:58,714
you gotta promise me you will never
dress up in that outfit again.
1294
01:12:59,142 --> 01:13:00,712
Do you hear me?
1295
01:13:08,151 --> 01:13:09,653
I promise.
1296
01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:21,238
This evil lair owns!
1297
01:13:21,397 --> 01:13:23,399
Do people still
say that, "own"?
1298
01:13:23,499 --> 01:13:25,308
Yeah, of course.
1299
01:13:25,401 --> 01:13:27,506
Your shark.
Somethings wrong.
1300
01:13:27,637 --> 01:13:29,157
Think you used
the wrong kind of water.
1301
01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:30,410
What the hell, Eyal?
1302
01:13:30,506 --> 01:13:32,816
It's fine, Chris. They're supposed
to lie at the bottom of the tank.
1303
01:13:32,909 --> 01:13:34,684
It's just their way of,
how you say,
1304
01:13:34,777 --> 01:13:36,017
settling into
their environment.
1305
01:13:36,078 --> 01:13:37,921
Don't screw me on this, okay?
1306
01:13:37,980 --> 01:13:39,150
You said we'd be
ready in two days,
1307
01:13:39,248 --> 01:13:40,488
we don't even have
a men's room yet.
1308
01:13:40,583 --> 01:13:41,823
Don't worry.
1309
01:13:41,918 --> 01:13:43,829
What's with the bags of shit?
1310
01:13:43,920 --> 01:13:45,695
It's fertilizer
for the bombs.
1311
01:13:45,822 --> 01:13:49,167
You're not a supervillain if you don't
have a plan to destroy the city.
1312
01:13:49,258 --> 01:13:51,670
It will not work.
You need a chemical kind.
1313
01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:55,106
Do I have to do everything myself?
Just fix it!
1314
01:13:55,264 --> 01:13:59,110
You must relax. Everything
is going as planned.
1315
01:13:59,202 --> 01:14:01,682
Mmm, no. No.
Except it's not, okay?
1316
01:14:02,038 --> 01:14:04,780
That sad sack
is not Kick-Ass.
1317
01:14:04,841 --> 01:14:07,287
I've seen Kick-Ass,
he's like my age.
1318
01:14:07,343 --> 01:14:09,289
Guy's old enough
to be his father.
1319
01:14:09,345 --> 01:14:10,790
No shit, right.
1320
01:14:11,447 --> 01:14:13,791
I'm sorry, who are you?
1321
01:14:13,950 --> 01:14:17,056
I, uh, volunteered for your
evil army, like the others.
1322
01:14:17,186 --> 01:14:20,633
Right. I appreciate that.
Thanks for joining the cause.
1323
01:14:20,790 --> 01:14:24,237
This is the VIP area
for the core group.
1324
01:14:24,360 --> 01:14:27,034
I just thought it was
funny you said that.
1325
01:14:27,129 --> 01:14:28,631
Because he is
Kick-Ass, father.
1326
01:14:28,798 --> 01:14:29,742
Who?
1327
01:14:29,832 --> 01:14:31,903
Mr. Lizewski.
He's Kick-Ass, dad.
1328
01:14:32,702 --> 01:14:34,978
Shut up!
1329
01:14:35,204 --> 01:14:37,878
Yeah. You're not
gonna tell anyone, are you?
1330
01:14:37,974 --> 01:14:39,317
No.
1331
01:14:39,709 --> 01:14:41,882
But you, my friend,
have just earned
1332
01:14:41,978 --> 01:14:44,515
life-time access
to my VIP area.
1333
01:14:44,714 --> 01:14:46,489
Go take a little seat.
1334
01:14:46,549 --> 01:14:47,755
Hey, get the kid
a Frappuccino,
1335
01:14:47,884 --> 01:14:50,490
then put his little
punk ass back to work.
1336
01:14:56,058 --> 01:14:57,264
Okay.
1337
01:14:58,160 --> 01:14:59,503
Come on.
1338
01:15:12,074 --> 01:15:13,576
Can I help you?
1339
01:15:13,676 --> 01:15:16,782
The Motherfucker wants us
to take a picture with you.
1340
01:15:17,580 --> 01:15:19,617
It helps that my dad
is a really good lawyer.
1341
01:15:19,749 --> 01:15:21,381
Because I
don't think my beautiful ass
1342
01:15:21,384 --> 01:15:23,514
would last too long in prison.
1343
01:15:23,886 --> 01:15:27,586
Whoa, that's weird. Chris
D'Amico just texted me a picture.
1344
01:15:27,723 --> 01:15:28,823
Red Mist?
1345
01:15:29,030 --> 01:15:30,930
Whatever happened
to that guy?
1346
01:15:37,466 --> 01:15:38,945
What is it?
1347
01:15:39,368 --> 01:15:40,438
Dude, what's wrong?
1348
01:15:44,240 --> 01:15:45,913
What is it?
1349
01:16:00,756 --> 01:16:03,498
The next few days
passed in a fog.
1350
01:16:05,428 --> 01:16:08,773
It didn't matter that I told
the police about Chris,
1351
01:16:09,098 --> 01:16:11,100
they couldn't find him.
1352
01:16:12,068 --> 01:16:14,742
The cops did show up
at Dad's funeral,
1353
01:16:15,104 --> 01:16:16,310
not out of respect,
1354
01:16:16,405 --> 01:16:19,614
but because they were scared
something would happen.
1355
01:16:20,309 --> 01:16:22,448
My dad was a decent man.
1356
01:16:22,511 --> 01:16:25,583
All he ever did was try
and give me a good life,
1357
01:16:26,582 --> 01:16:28,858
and I told him no one would
notice when he was gone.
1358
01:16:29,952 --> 01:16:31,761
I love you, pal.
1359
01:16:32,421 --> 01:16:34,628
I love you, too, Dad.
1360
01:16:41,464 --> 01:16:42,875
You guys came.
1361
01:16:42,965 --> 01:16:46,811
We'd love to help you track down
this Chris D'Amico d-bag, but
1362
01:16:47,303 --> 01:16:49,214
we just got out on parole.
1363
01:16:49,305 --> 01:16:50,716
No, that's fine.
1364
01:16:51,307 --> 01:16:53,309
I'm not looking for revenge.
1365
01:16:53,442 --> 01:16:56,889
Last thing I promised my dad was
that I was gonna give this up.
1366
01:16:57,279 --> 01:16:59,486
That's exactly
what I'm gonna do.
1367
01:16:59,615 --> 01:17:01,322
But you started this.
1368
01:17:02,184 --> 01:17:03,720
Now I'm ending it.
1369
01:17:12,962 --> 01:17:17,240
Dave, I'm so sorry. Do you
hate me for not helping?
1370
01:17:17,366 --> 01:17:19,368
No, not even a little bit.
1371
01:17:19,735 --> 01:17:22,682
You were right.
You gave it up.
1372
01:17:23,839 --> 01:17:27,582
If I had, too, my dad
would still be alive.
1373
01:17:29,745 --> 01:17:32,487
The only person
I blame is myself.
1374
01:17:46,195 --> 01:17:47,868
Let's do this!
1375
01:17:50,733 --> 01:17:51,734
Get down!
1376
01:17:56,272 --> 01:17:57,683
Mindy!
1377
01:17:59,875 --> 01:18:00,945
Spread out!
1378
01:18:10,019 --> 01:18:11,123
Keep your head down!
1379
01:18:21,797 --> 01:18:22,935
Come on!
1380
01:18:26,135 --> 01:18:27,273
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
1381
01:18:28,771 --> 01:18:30,148
Get him!
1382
01:18:30,739 --> 01:18:32,810
Get that van over here!
1383
01:18:35,211 --> 01:18:36,713
Hurry up!
1384
01:18:39,115 --> 01:18:40,321
Mindy?
1385
01:18:40,449 --> 01:18:41,792
Mindy!
1386
01:18:50,759 --> 01:18:52,067
Mindy?
1387
01:18:58,134 --> 01:19:00,239
You gotta put this on.
1388
01:19:05,141 --> 01:19:06,643
I'm not gonna do it.
1389
01:19:08,511 --> 01:19:11,321
There's nothing left you can
do to hurt me.
1390
01:19:13,849 --> 01:19:15,328
You wanna bet?
1391
01:19:18,354 --> 01:19:19,424
Whoa! Whoa!
1392
01:19:21,023 --> 01:19:23,025
Game on, cocksuckers!
1393
01:19:27,329 --> 01:19:29,036
There's a girl on the roof!
1394
01:19:41,977 --> 01:19:43,979
She's still up there!
1395
01:20:00,362 --> 01:20:02,501
I think I got her!
Go check!
1396
01:20:12,675 --> 01:20:13,813
Get out there!
1397
01:20:29,925 --> 01:20:31,529
Come on!
Move your head.
1398
01:21:00,222 --> 01:21:01,724
Pull over, pube-face.
1399
01:21:05,594 --> 01:21:08,700
We know Chris D'Amico is The Motherfucker.
Where is he hiding?
1400
01:21:08,764 --> 01:21:09,765
Eat a dick.
1401
01:21:09,865 --> 01:21:11,065
You're gonna eat yours
if you don't start talking.
1402
01:21:11,133 --> 01:21:13,374
Go ahead and shoot me,
you little bitch.
1403
01:21:13,435 --> 01:21:16,041
There's nothing you can do that
would make me talk.
1404
01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:20,710
Look, hold on. I can't do this right now.
It's my dad's funeral.
1405
01:21:21,277 --> 01:21:23,780
Dave, your father loved you.
1406
01:21:26,048 --> 01:21:30,326
Just like my daddy loved me. And
I know it hurts, but maybe,
1407
01:21:30,986 --> 01:21:34,399
maybe that's the real meaning
of being a superhero.
1408
01:21:34,657 --> 01:21:38,264
Is taking that pain and turning
it into something good.
1409
01:21:39,328 --> 01:21:40,602
Something right.
1410
01:21:41,764 --> 01:21:43,801
Remember what you told me?
1411
01:21:44,333 --> 01:21:47,507
This is your life.
You've gotta live it.
1412
01:21:49,571 --> 01:21:52,984
Now help me find some pliers. I'm
gonna make this guy eat his own dick.
1413
01:21:53,909 --> 01:21:55,115
Seriously?
1414
01:21:58,080 --> 01:21:59,616
- Hello?
- Marcus?
1415
01:21:59,748 --> 01:22:01,750
Mindy. What's going on?
Are you okay?
1416
01:22:01,817 --> 01:22:02,818
I'm fine.
1417
01:22:02,951 --> 01:22:05,090
We know where
The Motherfucker's hiding.
1418
01:22:05,187 --> 01:22:07,827
He's recruiting an army of supervillains
and making homemade bombs.
1419
01:22:07,856 --> 01:22:09,802
Marcus, he wants to
burn the city down.
1420
01:22:09,858 --> 01:22:10,962
You promised me.
1421
01:22:11,093 --> 01:22:16,372
Know you see me as this little
girl, but I'm not and I never was.
1422
01:22:16,999 --> 01:22:18,171
You're right.
1423
01:22:18,267 --> 01:22:20,474
Daddy did take
my childhood away,
1424
01:22:20,536 --> 01:22:22,311
but I'm not so sure
that was a bad thing.
1425
01:22:22,371 --> 01:22:24,317
Marcus, he gave me a gift,
1426
01:22:24,373 --> 01:22:26,819
a gift that I can't escape
no matter how hard I try.
1427
01:22:27,376 --> 01:22:29,652
And I don't need to spend the
next four years of my life
1428
01:22:29,712 --> 01:22:31,123
trying to figure out who I am
1429
01:22:32,181 --> 01:22:34,183
because I already know.
1430
01:22:36,985 --> 01:22:38,658
I'm Hit Girl.
1431
01:22:43,392 --> 01:22:45,895
I posted the address. Do
you think they'll show?
1432
01:22:46,995 --> 01:22:48,201
Chris has an army.
1433
01:22:48,297 --> 01:22:49,867
These real life super dweebs
1434
01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:52,309
have been waiting their whole
lives for a call like this.
1435
01:23:02,745 --> 01:23:04,053
Are you okay?
1436
01:23:04,146 --> 01:23:06,183
What? Yeah, no...
I'm fine.
1437
01:23:06,682 --> 01:23:07,752
Here.
1438
01:23:08,183 --> 01:23:09,753
Take this.
1439
01:23:10,085 --> 01:23:12,588
"Last resort"
really isn't my style.
1440
01:23:12,888 --> 01:23:17,394
Dave, this isn't a comic book. Real
people are going to die tonight.
1441
01:23:17,826 --> 01:23:20,033
My daddy was prepared
for anything.
1442
01:23:20,662 --> 01:23:22,005
Are you?
1443
01:23:27,503 --> 01:23:28,709
Yeah.
1444
01:23:30,539 --> 01:23:31,882
I am.
1445
01:23:40,249 --> 01:23:42,695
They should be back by now!
1446
01:23:42,751 --> 01:23:43,752
It's definitely dead.
1447
01:23:43,852 --> 01:23:47,095
Says on the Internet you're supposed
to keep them in fresh water.
1448
01:23:47,189 --> 01:23:50,898
It is just hungry.
We must feed it.
1449
01:23:51,894 --> 01:23:53,874
Why are you looking at me?
1450
01:23:53,929 --> 01:23:55,704
We gotta
get this shit started.
1451
01:23:56,198 --> 01:24:00,271
Oh, yeah. Have I got
a show for you bitches!
1452
01:24:06,442 --> 01:24:08,945
Motherfucker, Motherfucker...
1453
01:24:09,411 --> 01:24:11,721
All right, party people!
1454
01:24:12,114 --> 01:24:14,720
We are gonna
kill Kick-Ass,
1455
01:24:14,817 --> 01:24:18,560
the very first superhero,
together.
1456
01:24:18,654 --> 01:24:23,660
We are gonna cut him up into little
pieces, feed that shit to MC Shark
1457
01:24:23,759 --> 01:24:27,002
and post it all over YouTube.
For real!
1458
01:24:29,064 --> 01:24:30,008
He's kidding, right?
1459
01:24:30,098 --> 01:24:31,338
Motherfucker don't kid.
1460
01:24:31,433 --> 01:24:35,074
That's not it. I'm gonna give
each and every one of you
1461
01:24:35,170 --> 01:24:37,741
party favor fertilizer bombs!
1462
01:24:37,840 --> 01:24:39,410
And we are gonna
get our riot on!
1463
01:24:39,475 --> 01:24:41,421
That's what it
means to be evil.
1464
01:24:41,577 --> 01:24:44,751
We, my friends,
are the real 1%,
1465
01:24:44,913 --> 01:24:48,759
and tonight we are gonna fuck
this city up or my name is not...
1466
01:24:48,817 --> 01:24:50,854
Chris D'Amico!
1467
01:24:52,154 --> 01:24:54,259
That is not my name!
1468
01:24:56,625 --> 01:25:00,334
No, you're right. Your
new name's Little Bitch.
1469
01:25:04,433 --> 01:25:06,174
Oh, this is perfect.
1470
01:25:07,135 --> 01:25:09,775
Are you really that stupid?
1471
01:25:10,439 --> 01:25:15,149
There's two of you
and a whole army of us.
1472
01:25:16,211 --> 01:25:18,885
Do you really have
such a hard-on to die?
1473
01:25:20,315 --> 01:25:21,623
No.
1474
01:25:21,717 --> 01:25:24,197
That's why we
brought our friends.
1475
01:25:55,317 --> 01:25:58,161
What's the matter, Chris?
Shit hit your shorts?
1476
01:25:58,587 --> 01:26:02,763
Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe
my ass with your face.
1477
01:26:04,359 --> 01:26:07,670
You're gonna pay for
what you did to my dad.
1478
01:26:07,996 --> 01:26:12,001
Your dad? You blew up
my dad with a bazooka.
1479
01:26:18,540 --> 01:26:19,848
Oh!
1480
01:26:45,267 --> 01:26:47,941
Are you ready to die,
little girl?
1481
01:26:48,136 --> 01:26:52,243
I might be if I have to keep looking
at that shit-stain you call a face.
1482
01:27:02,050 --> 01:27:03,051
Chris!
1483
01:27:59,207 --> 01:28:02,950
Hold him down. I wanna see
what his guts look like.
1484
01:28:07,149 --> 01:28:08,787
That's enough from you boys!
1485
01:28:12,788 --> 01:28:14,790
Nicely done, sweetheart.
1486
01:28:23,331 --> 01:28:24,537
That all you got?
1487
01:28:24,633 --> 01:28:27,409
No, I got my lethal
zero G device.
1488
01:28:27,502 --> 01:28:28,537
Bullshit.
1489
01:28:30,172 --> 01:28:31,412
No shit.
1490
01:28:47,589 --> 01:28:48,567
Are you okay?
1491
01:28:50,826 --> 01:28:53,500
Yeah. Thanks.
Ass Kicker.
1492
01:28:56,164 --> 01:28:57,268
Nice.
1493
01:30:04,566 --> 01:30:06,739
Jesus, you are such a pussy.
1494
01:30:06,902 --> 01:30:09,576
What is the point of wearing a mask
if you can't do what you want?
1495
01:30:16,411 --> 01:30:18,152
We want to do good.
1496
01:30:18,280 --> 01:30:20,191
No, people want
to win the lottery.
1497
01:30:21,449 --> 01:30:24,487
People want to fuck
Scarlett Johansson.
1498
01:30:34,963 --> 01:30:38,672
You think you can kill me
with little needle?
1499
01:30:57,352 --> 01:30:59,354
That's not what it's for.
1500
01:31:03,358 --> 01:31:04,962
It's called
adrenaline, bitch.
1501
01:31:06,962 --> 01:31:08,566
What was that,
some cheap shot?
1502
01:31:08,663 --> 01:31:10,301
That was for the Colonel.
1503
01:31:13,668 --> 01:31:14,669
Ahh!
1504
01:31:17,205 --> 01:31:18,206
That's for Night Bitch.
1505
01:31:25,981 --> 01:31:27,483
And that's for my dad.
1506
01:32:03,852 --> 01:32:05,763
What the hell are you doing?
1507
01:32:06,187 --> 01:32:07,689
Saving your whiny ass!
1508
01:32:07,756 --> 01:32:08,757
No!
1509
01:32:08,890 --> 01:32:12,360
I won't let you have this.
I'd rather die!
1510
01:32:12,427 --> 01:32:16,534
What is wrong with you, dude? This
is not a comic book, it's real life!
1511
01:32:16,865 --> 01:32:20,210
When you're dead, it's done.
There's no sequel.
1512
01:32:20,368 --> 01:32:25,078
You made this real. You started it!
And I'm gonna finish ii.
1513
01:32:25,440 --> 01:32:28,785
I'll be immortal'
like an evil Jesus.
1514
01:32:39,254 --> 01:32:40,255
Wait!
1515
01:32:52,834 --> 01:32:55,144
I'm alive.
1516
01:32:55,270 --> 01:32:56,578
Dave, I'm so sorry.
1517
01:33:05,847 --> 01:33:08,123
The feeling
was indescribable.
1518
01:33:08,583 --> 01:33:10,790
Chris D'Amico, dead.
1519
01:33:11,953 --> 01:33:15,264
His wannabe supervillains,
defeated.
1520
01:33:16,791 --> 01:33:19,635
But did we make
the world a better place?
1521
01:33:20,595 --> 01:33:25,271
Or did we just finish something that
began when I first put on this mask?
1522
01:33:28,103 --> 01:33:30,105
The cops are coming.
1523
01:33:30,772 --> 01:33:32,274
They'll take
care of the bad guys.
1524
01:33:32,340 --> 01:33:35,287
We better skedaddle
before they get here.
1525
01:33:35,877 --> 01:33:36,878
We did it.
1526
01:33:36,978 --> 01:33:37,979
Fuck, yeah.
1527
01:33:38,046 --> 01:33:39,787
Hey, language.
1528
01:33:40,281 --> 01:33:44,787
You're right, if we're gonna dress like
heroes, we should act like heroes.
1529
01:33:45,787 --> 01:33:47,960
He'd be proud of you, Dave.
1530
01:33:48,623 --> 01:33:50,830
He'd be proud of all of us.
1531
01:33:52,727 --> 01:33:55,173
You know we can never
do this again, right?
1532
01:33:57,198 --> 01:33:58,541
It's over.
1533
01:34:02,303 --> 01:34:04,305
One last time.
Come on.
1534
01:34:08,209 --> 01:34:11,554
What do you say,
Hit Girl? Are you in?
1535
01:34:13,314 --> 01:34:15,157
Why the hell not?
1536
01:34:16,985 --> 01:34:18,987
Justice Forever!
1537
01:34:30,698 --> 01:34:33,508
Thanks for the ride.
1538
01:34:34,002 --> 01:34:36,039
I'll see you at school.
1539
01:34:37,839 --> 01:34:40,012
I'm leaving New York, Dave.
1540
01:34:40,608 --> 01:34:44,112
I can't go home. I can't put
Marcus in that position.
1541
01:34:44,345 --> 01:34:47,349
Why? He won't arrest you.
You just saved the city.
1542
01:34:47,515 --> 01:34:50,519
Yeah, well, I also killed
six guys with a cop's gun.
1543
01:34:50,618 --> 01:34:53,030
Vigilantes don't
get a free pass.
1544
01:34:53,688 --> 01:34:57,295
You can't go.
People need you.
1545
01:34:58,526 --> 01:35:00,267
- They've got you now.
- Mindy...
1546
01:35:02,897 --> 01:35:04,433
I'm not like you.
1547
01:35:04,566 --> 01:35:08,036
You don't have to be a bad-ass
to be a superhero, Dave.
1548
01:35:10,071 --> 01:35:12,210
You just have to be brave.
1549
01:35:24,152 --> 01:35:25,256
What was that?
1550
01:35:28,456 --> 01:35:30,302
That was my first kiss.
1551
01:35:32,260 --> 01:35:35,730
Be nice or I'll rip your ass
out through your mouth.
1552
01:35:42,670 --> 01:35:43,978
When Mindy left,
1553
01:35:44,672 --> 01:35:48,017
that's when I finally understood
where my life was going.
1554
01:35:49,077 --> 01:35:51,648
Just like it had to
eventually happen,
1555
01:35:51,746 --> 01:35:54,818
that real people would
try to be superheroes.
1556
01:35:55,450 --> 01:35:58,158
Eventually
it had to end, too.
1557
01:36:14,702 --> 01:36:18,514
Superheroes can't exist in
the real world for a reason.
1558
01:36:18,640 --> 01:36:22,645
It's because the real
world needs real heroes.
1559
01:36:23,378 --> 01:36:26,655
And not some punk in a
wet-suit playing dress-up,
1560
01:36:27,215 --> 01:36:31,664
but a genuine bad-ass
who can really kick ass.
1561
01:42:18,232 --> 01:42:19,575
Hello?
1562
01:42:20,368 --> 01:42:22,871
Please. Don't go.
1563
01:42:23,704 --> 01:42:25,240
Don't go.
1564
01:42:26,641 --> 01:42:28,382
Is anybody there?
1565
01:42:31,546 --> 01:42:32,889
Hello?
1566
01:42:37,051 --> 01:42:39,497
Some help, please?
1567
01:42:39,654 --> 01:42:43,261
A shark bit my fucking dick off
and I can't get some water?
117716