Original subtitles

[OWL HOOTING]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

GARRETT: You gave so much in life.

I hope your soul's rest is perfect and peaceful,

because your body's in for a long ride.

[SPITS]

If the coffin's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.

[GIGGLES]

Garret, wait a second.

Why is there no casket?

[DEEP VOICE] 'Cause there was nothing left

of his father to bury.

- [WHIMPERING] - [SQUELCHING]

[YELPING]

[SQUELCHES]

[PANTING]

Come join us, brother.

[SIGHS]

[FEMININE VOICE] Welcome.

You'll be happy here.

[BRITISH VOICE] I think I like it already.

[NORMAL VOICE] Hi, pop.

[♪♪♪]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

- [ENGINES REVVING] - [QUIET GIGGLING]

So Dollface has this gigantic insider guard in a chokehold,

when all of a sudden I hear this loud...

[POPS]

The guard is dead as hell,

and his eyeballs are just dangling out of their sockets.

And Dollface is like, "Guess this guy's a sailor man,

because I just made him Popeye."

- [BOTH LAUGHING] - Oh, that's fucking crazy.

She has so many stories like that,

and she tells them way better than me.

You would know that if you stopped avoiding her.

I'm not avoiding her.

I'm just not going out of my way to interact with her.

There's a difference.

All right, if we're being honest,

she's just not my cup of tea.

You don't even know her.

If my brother was in the car behind us,

I sure as hell wouldn't be riding with your dumb ass.

Family isn't just being related, okay?

If I was a beaver, I wouldn't spend all my time

hanging out with other big ass rodents.

If a gator was cool, and the vibe was right,

I'D kick it with him.

- QUIET: Shit, not again. - What?

Oh, let's check it at the next stop.

No. Pull over now. If something's wrong,

you should address it right away.

Pull over right here.

Go talk to your sister, asshole!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CHUCKLING]

You piss her off?

Get in.

You, out.

Someone need a ride?

I told you, we're done, and I meant it.

[SIGHS]

That's what I like about the Jeremy Express.

It's all caboose.

[ENGINE REVS]

I love what you've done with the interior.

Really shows pride of ownership.

Still a neat freak.

So, what was it like being back at our old house?

Like prison, just with a lot of pizza.

Come on, nothing in there caught your interest?

[SCOFFS] The Baby-Sitters Club.

[LAUGHING] Oh, shit.

- I used to love those books. - Word?

Yeah, yeah. Ah, I had such a crush on Logan.

Okay, so I gotta know,

how did Abby join the BSC in book 89?

Abby?

Abby. Abby.

Uh, Abby, I--

I don't remember.

Well, excuse me for not remembering a book,

Mr. "I bonked my head

and literally can't remember anything."

Well, it's not like I'm trying not to remember.

ASHLEY: I'm dying. Should we make camp?

- [STATIC CRACKLES] - Yeah, Ash.

We'll head for Diesel City at first light.

Why don't you go set up by the water tower up ahead?

John and I are going to take a little detour.

Detour? I don't want to take a detour.

- Shut up. You do. We're going. - QUIET: Copy that.

Have fun, John.

JEREMY: Copy that. Ashley and I

will be scouting for food and supplies, over.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll get lucky, find me a muffin.

I told you, the bakery's closed.

Checking for bakery hours.

Finally. Ready to fucking rock.

[MICHELLE BRANCH'S "EVERYWHERE" PLAYING]

♪ Just tell me how I got this far ♪

♪ Just tell me why you're here And who you are ♪

♪ 'Cause every time I look

♪ You're never there

♪ And every time I sleep ♪

♪ You're always there

Here we go!

♪ 'Cause you're Everywhere to me ♪

MAYHEM: Would you shut up?

- [SCREAMING] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

[STEREO CUTS OFF]

What the hell are you doing here?

Covering my ears mostly.

- That's John singing. - Yeah.

What are you doing in my trunk?

You stood up for me back there.

You...

You saved me, Quiet.

[GUN COCKS]

All right, I laid it on a little thick at the end there.

Fine. Look,

I want to enter the tournament.

[LAUGHING]

It's not funny.

Oh, it is the way I'm picturing it.

You'd be dead two minutes in,

all flattened out, eyes crossed, tongue hanging out.

That will not be me. Okay?

You're looking at the best driver on the West Coast.

- No I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- Think so? - Know so.

Prove it.

[BUTTONS CLICKING]

Wow, you don't have a goddamn clue

what you're doing, do you?

I am just getting my bearings.

You know, my ex-husband's car was European.

It was a lot cooler than this.

All right, just put it in gear.

- [TIRES SQUEAL] - Oh, my God!

[SCREAMING]

Stop, stop, stop, oh, my God.

Why did you throw it in reverse?

"D" is for drive, dumbass.

What-- No, I put it in drive.

"D," drive.

That's an "R." Do you not know how to read, either?

No. Of course I can read.

You're looking at the best reader on the West Coast.

Okay, that's it.

Get out. We're done.

- [LOCKS CLICK] - Ha, got you!

Who's the dumb ass now?

Have fun walking to Diesel City, bitch.

Eat my diggity dust!

- [TIRES SQUEALING] - [ENGINE CLANKING]

Oh, shit.

[COUGHING]

Oh, no, the dust.

Shut up!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[GROANS]

Faster to go by canoe.

You know what? Fine. Fine, whatever.

Just wake me up when Dollface gets back. she'll teach me.

QUIET: Is that what you think is going to happen?

She gives zero fucks.

I sort of gave one teeny fuck,

but, damn, I guess I was wrong.

[LOCKS CLICK]

Millennium Drive-In.

Headlights, Camera, Action.

I don't even want to know what kind of action

got blood all the way up there.

Where are you going?

We stopped here one year on the family road trip.

Your little mind was blown by watching a movie in a car.

You were so obsessed,

you made Dad take us here every summer.

- Come on. - You're insane

if you think I'm going in there.

This shit looks haunted.

You're still afraid of ghosts?

[SCOFFS] Wow.

Amnesia really is a bitch.

You forget your whole life,

but still remember to be a pussy.

I'll show you a pussy!

Hold up, wait!

"L & K wuz here."

This was our spot.

Hmm. Come on, get in.

[LOUD CLANGING]

My God, would you chill?

- There's nobody here but us. - I know that.

Get in the car.

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

I would try and get the projector working,

but I'm not going in that shack.

It's okay. We're not here for that anyway.

I was hoping

we could shake some memories loose.

Maybe this will help.

So whenever there was a car chase scene,

Dad would let you climb over into the driver's seat

and pretend like you were in the movie.

And you would go crazy

just pulling at the steering wheel,

yelling all your little quips.

- JOHN DOE: Dry steering? - DOLLFACE: Mm-hmm.

You mean to tell me they would let me

torque at the tie rods like that?

Not to mention scuff the tires.

So our parents really treated their vehicles like that?

Ooh, cool your jets there, Martin Luther Keys.

You were little.

You couldn't do any real damage.

But we did do a number on the upholstery though.

Every time Mom and Dad would go to the snack shack,

we would climb through the sunroof

and scuff up the back seats. That would piss them off.

[WHISTLING]

What you staring at me for?

The family whistle?

It was Dad's way of telling us to sit our asses down.

I swear you could hear it from miles away.

Right, it's like when Abby's dad taught her

how to whistle through an acorn cap.

Would you shut up about the stupid fucking book?

Look at me. Are you even trying to remember?

No. I'm not.

You want to know what it was like for me being in that house?

All the pictures, all the stuff in my room,

all the things I'm supposed to remember, but I don't.

And then realizing if I did get my memory back...

I'd just be weighed down by everything that I lost.

My parents, my sister, myself.

I'd rather just be me, be John.

- But you're Lionel. - Lionel's dead!

[GUNFIRE]

What was that?

I don't know, you brought me here!

- [LOUD THRUMMING] - [YELPING]

[BOTH GROAN]

[THRUMMING]

[GUNFIRE]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CHUCKLING]

What the fuck?

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[PANTING]

What the fuck am I even looking at right now?

I don't know, but whatever he is,

he's not wearing a shirt, and he's fucking jacked.

[GUNFIRE]

Those perfectly formed pectorials

are basically bull's eyes. Watch this.

[GUNSHOT RICOCHETS]

[SCREAMS]

[YELPING] Oh, I'm so sorry!

You shot me! What the fuck?

I'll lay down suppressive fire, and you run.

- DOLLFACE: Okay. - JOHN DOE: Run!

[GUNFIRE]

- [HISSING] - [WINCING]

AXEL: Goddammit!

[PANTING]

- In there! - Go, go, go!

Oh, shit. [PANTING]

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

[ENGINE REVVING NEARBY]

[SIGHING]

Oh my God, you fucking shot me.

- What the fuck? - I'm so sorry!

- Please don't cry. - I'm not gonna cry, asshole!

- Ow, Jesus! - It's okay. Is it bad?

Oh, shit. Uh, it's barely noticeable.

- [GROWLING] - No, no, no,

It's not-- You can't even see--

- [MUFFLED SCREAMING] - Shh!

- [CRUNCHING] - [YELPING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[PANTING]

Here, sew it up. Sew it up.

I don't want a nasty scar.

JOHN DOE: Right.

I got this, okay.

Come on. Have you got it?

Yeah, I got it.

- You got it? - Okay. Do I come from the top

- or the bottom? - You ain't got shit!

- Okay, I-- - Hold onto this.

- Okay, okay, okay. - Make yourself useful.

- Okay. - God.

Oh, that's so aggressive.

- [WINCING] - [SQUEALING]

QUIET: Before you even start the car, do your checks.

Gassed up, guns loaded, mirrors clear of vultures,

hands on the wheel at ten and two.

No way! I wanna look cool

- when I cross the finish line. - Okay, yeah.

First lesson.

- [ENGINE REVVING] - [SCREAMING]

QUIET: You gotta outrun some vultures. Think fast.

- [GRUNTING] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

Tried to 180 out of here, and the vultures caught you.

- You're dead. - [SIGHS]

QUIET: Again.

- Wrong. - [YELLING]

QUIET: Nope.

Dead, dead, dead.

Lesson two.

Holy men dead ahead.

Shit, shit!

QUIET: You're hanging your ass out.

[GRUNTING] Oh, fuck!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

You were supposed to drive through the barrels.

Guess what? You died again.

[MAYHEM GROANS] Goddamn it.

Time for your final exam. Drive.

- What are you doing? - [GUNSHOT]

- [SCREAMS] - There's a killer clown

with flaming hair right behind us.

- What's the move? - At first I--

- [GUNSHOT] - QUIET: Go!

You didn't even give me a chance!

Neither will they. Think fast!

- [GUNSHOT] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

Are you giving up?

I knew it. I knew you weren't cut out for this.

Fuck you, Quiet!

[TRUNK SLAMS]

I don't even want to know what nasty diseases

you gave yourself using that dirty ass needle.

I don't need medical advice, Dr. Piss.

We just need to figure out how we're getting

past those sound wave things

without sexy car man knowing that we're in here.

Well, if we're going to make it out of here,

we're going to need a better vantage point.

I'm going to climb to the top of the projection screen.

No, you're not.

We're going to the concession stand.

Whatever's powering those sound wave thingies

is for sure coming from there.

Wait.

Wait, I'm remembering something.

- Really? - JOHN DOE: Yeah.

- What? - I remember telling you

it was a fucking bad idea to come in here!

Shh!

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of a scared little bitch.

Oh, wait, that's you.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CLANGING]

[♪♪♪]

JOHN DOE: Did you see those metal hands?

This motherfucker is full of surprises.

[SIGHS]

I wonder how he, uh, you know,

starts his own engine.

JOHN DOE: Forearms on that guy?

One wrong move, he'll rip the shit off. Poor son of a bitch.

- [GROANING] - Okay, so what's the plan?

DOLLFACE: Oh, yeah. Let's shoot our way out of here,

because that worked so well the first time.

It worked well for me.

- I looked fucking great. - [GASPING]

- [BANGING] - JEREMY: Ashley! Ashley!

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, yes, give mama that French bread!

Oh, it's proofing. Oh, it's proofing.

[KNOCKING]

[GRUNTING] Did you hear that?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Come on, May,

you can't stay back there forever.

Fine.

If you're not going to come out, then I'm going to eat.

I am starving.

Mmm!

Mmm! Oh, my gosh. Oh, it's so good.

Mmm, and I have so much of it.

MAYHEM: What is it?

- QUIET: Rattlesnake. - You can make snake jerky?

Yeah. It's not that hard.

My brother taught me how.

Killing the fuckers is a pain in the ass.

But then you salt them

and put them in a salt bath

and hang them out to dry.

It has to be strong sunlight, though.

I learned that the hard way.

- What happened? - What do you think?

I ate it raw and puked so hard I shit myself.

Yeah, it was a lot of shit too,

- like, everywhere. - Ooh, that's tough.

My brother wouldn't stop laughing, the jagoff.

Hmm, guess being a jagoff runs in the family.

Yeah.

He wasn't a great teacher, but he helped me survive.

Eventually, I figured it out on my own.

Listen, why do you want to enter this tournament so badly?

You do know it's to the death, right?

Yeah. So?

I'm not afraid of dying.

And if I win,

I could wish for a better life.

Come on, let's try again.

Okay.

Shh, shh, come on.

Okay.

[GULPING]

[BOTH GROANING]

[BELCHES]

How is this guy even alive?

[GRUNTS]

Come on. He's distracted.

[COUGHING]

DOLLFACE: Eww. This place is a mess.

But it's still cleaner than your car.

Smells better too. [CHUCKLES]

Shut up and cut the power.

[FAINT MECHANICAL NOISE]

"Axel."

[RUSTLING AND CLANKING]

What kind of sick fuck would do this?

[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING]

- [CACKLING] - [GRUNTING]

I'd lower that pea-shooter if I were you.

Put it on the counter.

Well, I'm impressed you got past my guard dog.

- Not many do. - [DOLLFACE GRUNTS]

We're just trying to get out of here, man.

Oh, please. You're like everyone else

who comes sniffing around here

trying to steal my life's work.

[TSK-TSKING] You're jealous.

Oh, why would we be jealous of you?

You're making car people.

That's an oversimplification!

I evolved that broken killer into something more.

If the only way to survive outside

is to be in a car,

then what if you could be the car?

But it's still not right.

There's still too much human in him.

Oh, but I could get it right with one of you.

So what, you just make cars out of Black people?

What? No! It's not racially motivated.

- Is that how it's coming off? - Yeah!

I mean, you look at him, you look at us.

Let me just say,

I've always believed science is colorblind.

- [SCOFFS] - Oh, God.

[BREATHY WHISTLING]

What... What's going on with him?

[BREATHY WHISTLING]

He's not sick, is he?

To be honest, I have no idea what he's doing.

Family whistle!

The family whistle!

- [GRUNTS] - [SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

BOTH: Ooh.

[WINCING] Some of my best friends

are Black.

[DEATH RATTLE]

Thanks, big bro.

Now, if we can just get that

tiny little butthole of a mouth to whistle.

If my mouth is a butthole, so is yours.

That's how genes work.

Now, go cut the power so we can bail.

- [MACHINERY CLICKING] - [ELECTRIC HUM FADING]

[ENGINE WHIRRING]

Hey, uh,

Axel, right?

Listen, I know we had our differences,

but, um,

we just killed this little racist nerd,

and we cut the power,

so you're free to go.

Now I hope we can go our separate ways peacefully.

What?

We've had our differences--

Dude, you got-- You gotta use your big boy voice

- What you-- - We cut the power.

You're free to go.

Oh, good looking out.

I hated that motherfucker.

Peace!

[ENGINE NOISE FADING]

Remember, driving is about making a decision

and making it happen.

You second guess yourself, you crash and burn.

All right, gassed up, guns loaded,

mirrors clear of-- Jeremy?

[PANTING] Run!

He's coming!

- [BLADE WHOOSHING] - [GURGLES]

[GASPS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Damn.

Drive.

Uh, what is he doing?

[MUTTERING]

[MAN SIGHS]

Oh, shit! We decided to drive! D! D!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

- [GROANING] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

Holy shit, I did it!

- Celebrate later. - Right!

- [TIRES SQUEALING] - [ENGINE REVVING]

Uh, what the hell is that?

Quiet, this wasn't on the final exam!

Think fast!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[METAL CLANGING]

[SCREAMING]

[ENGINES REVVING]

[METAL CLANGING, FADING]

[DISTANT SCREAMING]

♪ 'Cause you're Everywhere to me ♪

♪ When I close my eyes It's you I see ♪

♪ And everything I know That makes me believe ♪

♪ I'm not Alo-whoa-whoa-one ♪

♪ 'Cause you're Everything to me ♪

♪ And when I close me eyes It's you I see ♪

♪ You're everything I know That makes me believe ♪

♪ I'm not Alo-whoa-whoa-one ♪

JOHN DOE: When we win I was thinking maybe

I'd take Quiet up to Grandpop's cabin.

DOLLFACE: Oh. The cabin.

You know, that brings back some memories.

Wait, how are you gonna remember Grandpop's cabin

and not Grandpop?

I might have found a way there.

- Hey, I drew this. - Yeah.

[DOLLFACE CHUCKLES]

Bitch, you read my diary?

What? No, I wouldn't--

Yeah. Okay, just a little bit.

Look, I got tired of hearing about horses

and how funny Brian Carroll was.

Ooh, funny and fine.

- [VEHICLE APPROACHING] - Ugh.

No third grader could resist his charms.

- Oh, well. - [CHUCKLING]

JOHN DOE: Look who decided to show up.

Why is the kid driving?

Why is your face all fucked up?

We just had a run in with the grim douchebag

and a naked man on wheels.

- [GASPING] - BOTH: Axel!

QUIET: Ashley and Jeremy are dead.

They're real fucking dead.

And we're going to be next

if we don't get the fuck out of here.

Shit. Okay, uh, we should load up.

- I'll ride with you. - Okay.

- So the detour worked, huh? - It did.

Thank you for making that happen.

You're high, aren't you?

Indubitab-ably.

Ash and Jeremy weren't the best soldiers,

but their hearts were committed to the cause.

May their souls bang for eternity.

Why didn't she bury the mask?

The mission lives on.

It'll go to the next doll worthy of wearing it.

Hmm. Well, you know, when you go down,

I'll keep your mask alive.

- Oh, that's so nice. - Yeah.

Knowing your driving, it'll probably be you that kills me.

[♪♪♪]

DOLLFACE: Diesel City,

where the biggest, scariest,

loudest special weapons are made and sold.

That's cool, but we don't have any money.

We don't need money,

because we're going to steal them.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[THE OFFSPRING'S "COME OUT AND PLAY" PLAYING]

SWEET TOOTH: This is my kind of party!

CALYPSO: Welcome to my contest.

MAYHEM: What are you up to, you long-haired fuck?

CALYPSO: You'll compete in multiple rounds,

each unique and more deadly than the last.

Where in the fuck do you think you're going?

CALYPSO: If you survive, you advance.

QUIET: There's a lot of stone-cold killers here.

- JOHN: Hi, Sweet Tooth. - Ah!

SWEET TOOTH: Grimm, how the hell did you get out?

GRIMM: I got a special invitation.

CALYPSO: The last driver behind the wheel

gets their wish granted.

[GRUNTING]

We're taking them all down.

♪ Bash it up Bash it up ♪

♪ Bash it up Bash it up ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Man you're talkin' Back to me ♪

Go, go, go, go, go! Fuck!

♪ Take him out

I'm worried what it'll take to win.

AXEL: You make a run at me, I will end you.

Coroner gonna list your cause of death as everything.

CALYPSO: It's time for the tournament to begin!

QUIET: John!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[♪♪♪]

Do you think we'll win?

- ♪ Come out and play - STU: Get some!

Welcome to Twisted Metal!

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]