Original subtitles

♪Subtitles by♪ XQ2☻

[ In 1862, the first trans-continental railroad ]

[ unleashed a great westward wave of white settlers. ]

[ They all rushed into the land that once belonged to the Indians. ]

[ At an unguarded railroad crossing, Apache Chief, Abahachi ]

[ had his life saved by a white Southerner named Ranger. ]

[ Apache custom demanded they become blood brothers. ]

[ They had no choice. ]

[ Abahachi and Ranger did what tradition required of them. ]

[ Ow! Are you crazy? ]

[ MANITOU'S SHOE ]

[Careful, there's a curve ahead!]

[Shut your trap! I've driven this route for 40 years.]

[Dull arrow.]

[Pointy arrow!]

[Strangers!]

In Abahachi's face you see pain and grief.

Clouds darken the land on which

- the Shoshone sun once shone. - Here we go again!

Abahachi and his white blood brother, Ranger say "How"

- to chief, Cunny Lizard. - 'Cunning'.

- What? - 'Cunning' Lizard, not cunny.

Abahachi brings Shoshone chief's dead son.

Abahachi is a murderer!

Now, hold on a moment. Gross misunderstanding!

Yeah, real gross!

Aveng konakate!

Hey, what have you got in your arms?

Is it a puppy?

[Where is my gold?]

What?

Yeah... Well...

Where is my gold?

Let him finish, asshole!

- Shh, are you crazy? - He should let you finish.

Um... here's the thing...

We had an appointment with a realtor from Wyoming.

I'd seen his ad in the paper. It read:

"Quiet saloon: like new, no transfer fee, available immediately".

The clear choice for my tribe's new pub.

Also his associates impressed us as respectable.

I didn't want to miss this bargain, so I borrowed your gold.

Indians!

Hi, y'all!

♪

♪ Straight to hell!

With typical Shoshone punctuality,

your son, Fake Hare, showed up with Shoshone cash.

We all reached an understanding.

Hi.

(Hi, sit-pisser!)

Let me introduce you: Fake Hare, Santa Maria;

Santa Maria, Ranger;

Ranger, Santa Maria,

Ranger, Hare, the Shoshone chief's son.

Sho'nuff, Shoshone!

The deal was done.

I was the proudest Indian in the whole world!

[Term: 15 years, monthly payments. Interest 35.8% at maturity + Value-added tax]

Yeah, exactly!

What did he just say?

Not sure, he speaks a horrible dialect.

Abahachi?

Yeah?

Ah!

We got a free bottle of firewater.

Congratulations on your new saloon.

This is on the house.

I christen you, uh... um...

- Apache pub. - Apache pub.

I'd complain about that, now.

Gotta run!

Feels comfortable in the hand.

- Congratulations! - For what? - You own this door.

You're never happy. Always complaining.

BBQ nights, hanging out, Indian lessons in your saloon!

I never said, lessons!

Well, we're done. Hand me the white flag.

Where am I gonna get a white flag, here?

Every Indian carries one, you're the only one who doesn't!

Then it got quiet, too quiet.

The realtor from Wyoming and his associates were gone.

Only your son lay in the grass.

I wondered how he could sleep with all that noise.

Hey, they're gone!

- He's beyond caring. - Why?

He is...

We paid our last respects to Fake Hare.

Can't you do anything right?

The truth is, the man who cheated my tribe out of its saloon

is also the murderer of your son.

And he stole your gold, to boot!

And what is the name of this man?

Santa Maria.

You robbed the gold of the Shoshone!

You killed my son!

And now you badmouth the friends of my tribe!

Right you are, 'Cunning Newt'.

Am I crazy, or what?

These are your son's murderers!

No! Don't believe a word.

Santa Maria speaks with forked tongue.

When the sun outshines the moon

the Shoshone will send Abahachi and his white brother

to the Happy Hunting Grounds.

Cunning Lizard has spoken!

Oh, that's real 'cunning'!

An Apache in a pinch! Abahachi...

Ranger...

Hombre, I'm clocking off.

Be so kind as to keep an eye on them tonight,

we wanna see them die tomorrow.

Sure, boss.

You...

What is it?

I'm sorry.

Why? Everything's wonderful!

We each have our own pole.

And tomorrow our troubles will be over, Abahachi!

- Don't be like that. - Like what?

I'm fed up with 16 years of your harebrained schemes!

Every other day, tied to some pole!

Shh, not so loud, it's none of their business!

What's wrong with you lately?

I'm not happy with the whole situation!

Why not?

What do we do all day long?

Pointless stalking, reading tracks for hours,

and senseless riding side by side.

- You call that riding?! - What's wrong with my riding?

It's more like animal cruelty!

- Lick my ass! - How?!

Whssht...

Pssst...

(Abahachi!)

[ Me-eh-eh-eh! ]

[ Moooooh! ]

[ Ki-ki-ki-ki! ]

[Quiet out there!]

[Shut up, or I'll call the cops!]

[Goddamit, again!]

[I got an ass-load of deadlines tomorrow and you bums won't let me sleep!]

[Lighds out!]

[Light is spelled with a "t".]

- Hear that? - Sh, sh...

A man got a stone in the privates.

Like a stone in the family jewels. Look, the guard's asleep.

- What did you say? - The guard's asleep?

No, before, about family jewels.

Just a bad pun.

This is no pun, it's the solution!

I have one. I'd completely forgotten.

- What have you got? - A jewel; a huge one!

My treasure.

Great, now he mentions the treasure! When it can't help us.

Sure, it can! To pay back the Shoshone.

Abahachi, we have a murder rap around our necks.

We must prove that Santa Maria murdered Fake Hare.

Yeah, of course.

Besides all I have is one piece of the treasure map.

You know, sometimes I think you do it on purpose.

When I was a little Indian,

my grandfather Gray Star took me hunting.

He always stressed the importance of dividing up the take.

I divided everything: 18 by 9, 13 by 7, 16 by 5, 17 by 8,

Grandfather would call me the Smallest Common Divisor.

Many summers passed.

On his deathbed he gave me a treasure map.

And you divided it.

Yeah...

by four.

- Who has the other three pieces? - I don't know, I was drunk.

Well... I do remember one.

Thank God...

Who did this?

Who cares, let's go.

Well done, Hombre, I'm almost proud of you.

Follow them discreetly. I'll stay here with Jim and John.

Chief 'Love Lizard' mustn't suspect a thing.

We'll meet tomorrow in camp.

Ok, boss.

Hombre?

We make a great team.

Ahem!

[Cock-a-doodle-doo!]

[Cock-a-doodle-doo!]

Oh, god...

a terrible accident!

Doesn't look good, boss!

It was a cowardly murder!

Now they must answer for 'Authentic' Hare, too.

This means war!

Sorry, we gotta rush!

Jim, John, we don't wanna wear out our welcome... Take care!

Unbury the war hatchet!

We don't have one.

We don't we have a war hatchet?

We got one from Wal-Mart,

but it broke.

What could we dig up, then?

Um, we have a folding chair.

Dig up the chair!

- What is it? - I smell something.

It wasn't me!

Look! Shoshone smoke-signals.

Yeah? What are they saying?

They're after us.

And they dug up a folding chair.

Is this totally nuts, or what?

The chief of the Apache must die!

[On your horses!]

[We don't have horses.]

[But I had one, didn't I?]

[Well, you did. Unfortunately...]

[it shrunk in the wash.]

What's this place?

Down there we'll find the second piece of the treasure map!.

So, what are we waiting for?

Yeah... There's something you really should know.

My white brother needs to be very strong now.

Abahachi! My brother!

Quick, hugs! My, what a lovely surprise!

This is so unexpected! I had no chance to tidy up.

And who is that handsome young man you brought?

Won't you introduce us?

Welcome to Puta Rosa Ranch.

Uh... Twin brother Weenietouch, blood brother Ranger.

Blood brother; twin brother.

Another brother?!

Asshole!

Sorry, I'm out of sweetener.

Anyway, one Peach Fizz no firewater.

For our patient a Pina Colada.

Or would you prefer Prosecco?

Hah... To us!

We'll never be this young, again. Cheers!

I'm so curious to know how you two met!

Yeah, so... Ranger was a greenhorn.

- Ooo, a greenhorn? - Yeah.

And one day he saved my life.

And we said, let's do the blood brother thing.

- With the cutting and all? - Yeah.

You guys are wild!

But you were always a crazy chick.

That's why Abahachi became chief,

even though I had the prerogative, being born 2 minutes earlier.

But all that silly whooping and drumming boom boom...

the arrows the shooting and the noise...

I wanted to be pearl diver, but I can't hold my breath too long.

But now I own this Beautyfarm, the Puta Rosa Ranch. You like it?

- What? - Like it?

Yeah, wonderful.

Weenietouch, we need your help.

Men, we're riding out. Mount up!

We don't wanna ride out. We're tired.

Who said that?

- John did! John did! - Yes! - We saw him!

So, you're tired, John?

Ok, John, off to bed. Everybody else, mount up!

- Oh, man! - Asshole! - Daft pig!

What do we say?...

- Good night, John! - Good night, John!

Mesdames et Messieurs. My piece of the treasure map.

Voilà!

I knew I could rely on you, Weenietouch.

I can't throw anything away. I even kept your old toys.

Your Apache Puppet Tent is in the cellar.

- You played with puppets? - What? No puppets!

- Can you decifer anything? - Yeah, but too little.

Oh, too bad! Now what?

How about a drink after that disappointment? Another lychee limes?

No, thanks, Willie... Weenie...touch.

Weenietouch, do you recall to whom I gave the other two pieces?

To the Greek and Uschi!

Ah! Yeah...

Of course: the Greek, Uschi!

We'll have to find them, with the Shoshones breathing down our necks.

[Wow!]

[Kickass, horse!]

We're interested in your kickass, horse.

[We shouldn't have traded the pony and the folding chair.]

[Will you stop whining, already!]

[Chief, that squeaking's unbearable.]

[Then, let the men sing a song.]

Nah! I'm not wearing that, it's itchy.

In that suit I'll look like a maggot!

Ok, I'll explain once more.

Ranger will ride to Uschi in Rosewell City.

I'll try to find the Greek. You pretend to be me,

and lay a false trail to throw the Shoshone off my scent.

But, I don't smell, at all, like you.

That's for sure!

If all goes well, we'll meet at Thunder Valley

by the dandelion at the old linden tree, where the sun kisses the squirrel.

I'll never find that!

Just a moment!

What if one of us suddenly gets the measels?

Ok. If anything goes wrong we'll meet back here at Puta Rosa Ranch, got it?

Back and forth, riding around, kissing linden trees

Why not stay here? I'll cook something nice.

I can't shoot and fight, anyway.

I'm afraid your... 'our' brother needs a crash course.

[ LESSON I ] [ STALKING ]

Appropriate cover is of enormous importance

Tree, bush, branch.

Stalking is most fun on flat ground.

With smooth, rhythmical movements you can advance quickly and unnoticed

Stalking is part of the Indians' genetic makeup,

eventually everybody develops their own personal style.

[ LESSON II ] [ CLOSE COMBAT ]

As a rule,

left-handers use the left fist; right-handers, the other one.

Precise target acquisition increases the hit rate.

[ LESSON III ] [ WAR PAINT ]

War paint has a long tradition

it is used primarily to scare the enemy.

Abstract war paint is frequently met with

lack of understanding and intolerance.

[ LESSON IV ] [ RIDING ]

The skilled rider anticipates his horse's every move.

The horse affords both status and mobility.

However, opinions vary regarding women drivers.

[ LESSON V ] [ THE PEACE PIPE ]

This is the symbolic act of reconcilation.

Or the "Post-war Chill-out Phase".

The dosage is crucial.

Too much, or the wrong stuff,

can have undesirable side effects.

[ LAST BUT NOT LEAST ] [ SHOOTING ]

The supreme discipline, high-tech application!

Man and machine must form one entity.

The right weapon and caliber are crucial to the shooter's success.

We'll set out at sunrise.

They're down there, boss.

Good. Don't lose sight of them.

- Post guards. - Post guards?

Yes, post guards.

POST GUARDS!

(Post guards!)...

- Hombre. - Yeah?

Make some coffee.

What's that?

A hot, caffeinated beverage.

♪ [ Harry Lime Theme ]

My father.

He was still young then.

Always in a good mood. A crazy dawg.

He was fluent in French.

How come?

Nobody knows.

I also inherited his long hair.

Who is that?

That's Weenietouch... in Leatherstocking.

And this is Uschi...

What a half-breed!

Back then, she left the tribe to become a singer in Rosewell City.

What's that?

Someone's making coffee.

Since when do the Shoshone make coffee?

Weenietouch, hide, they mustn't see us together!

We're surrounded.

Surprise!

What's that?

My secret little tunnel.

It leads straight under a bush.

Are you guys Shoshones?

Indians!

Indians!

Quick, after him!

Get him!

Yeah, I'll cut him off at the pass!

Don't let that redskin get away.

But don't shoot, we need him alive.

- My brother. - My brother.

Do you know why I pulled you over?

You're a photographer?

Watch it, young man! My diposition's changeable.

Did you soup up that horse?

It's my brother-in-law's horse.

And why are we in such a hurry?

You know, the Shoshones have unburied the folding chair.

- The folding chair. - Yeah.

So, Mr... Ranger,

blow in this straw, please.

0.0 ppt blood alcohol!

Dang, nobody's ever pulled that off!

Have a good ride.

Hi, y'all!

I think I'm seeing a mirage!

Dimitri!

- Abahachi! - Gesundheit!

It's really you!

Look, friends, this is Abahachi, the famous Southern Apache chief,

and Ranger's bloody brother.

You're starring in my new book.

- Who's this? - It's only Karl May.

His head's full of nonsense. Say, how did you find me?

- You're in the Michelin guide. - Let's drink to that! - No, not now.

I need to talk to you urgently.

(About our little secret.)

(Hellas!)

(Do you mean our 'map-treasure'?)

A book about an Indian treasure...

That's good!

Where's the treasure map?

Ranger has it...

Oh god, I'm blabbing too much!

And where is this Ranger?

Shopping!

Listen up, Abahachi, chief of the...

Apache.

Hm. Thanks, Hombre.

No problem, boss.

My patience is coming to an end.

My men are mean, brutal, and very lonely.

They could hurt you real bad.

Hah! An Indian knows no pain, we lack the enzymes.

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ok, that's enough!

Now, Abahachi...

will you tell me where Ranger rode off to?

Yeah, fine, I've had enough. He rode off to see Uschi.

'THE' Uschi?

Yeah, untie me. I'm not playing anymore.

Sorry, Abahachi, we need you... as a hostage.

You're so mean!

Hombre, stay here and guard our chief.

If we're not back in 2 days,

do away with him.

Gotcha, boss.

Hey, I'm warning you, when you go to the toilet, you'd better sit down!

One whore, here Helene!

Seriously, how do the holes get in the cheese?

Hi, y'all.

You must be Ranger! The man with the southern slang.

Friend of the Indians. Founder of "Doctors Against Fire Arrows".

What brings you to these godforsaken parts?

Is there a certain Uschi working here?

Oh yeah!

Wow!

Hi.

♪ Hello, you.

♪ I ask you and all the the other men, too.

♪ Is it true that I'm driving you crazy?

♪ Come on, tell me, sugar boys.

♪ Hey, what you get is what you see,

♪ You cannot help, you must fall for me.

♪ What's in your wildest dreams, I'll go for

♪ Widdely waddely woo, ah!

♪ Maybe I've got you, dooby do

♪ I said you shooby dooby

♪ It's the clue that makes a good girl

♪ wanna work my hip like that.

♪ And though I go alone to bed.

♪ Powww!

You have... wonderful bells.

They're my grandmother's bells.

Great!

Do you happen to have a needle and thread?

Oh! Yeah, of course.

Here you go.

Well, then... here you are.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So, then, I can leave.

No, don't go!

I'm... I'm actually here about the treasure map.

Oh god!

You do, have a piece of the map?

Could you undo my choker?

Yeah, sure.

(Don't talk about the map)

What?

(Don't talk about the map, here)

Ok, then, I'll do it from... there.

OK, Abahachi has two pieces of the treasure map, already.

The third is with a Greek named, Dimitri. He went to get it.

- Shh! - The fourth is with you.

With it, the map is complete and everybody's happy.

Yeah, now I'm happy, too.

Hey, you didn't overhear any of this, did you?

Ranger, I have a confession to make.

Abahachi is our hostage.

Oh, wonderful! So predictable!

And you, my little goldfish, tell me your sweet secret, quick.

Where is your piece of the map? Or...

shall I let my men loose?

Eww!

Hey, hands off, she has nothing to do with this!

Take me.

Um, take the woman, then.

Oh! A lovely back is also delightful.

Especially if it's worth gold.

Oh, no!

So... whoever wants ice cream can get one,

then it's back to camp!

Then we moved 'cause they drove us out of our territory.

So we became 'Rucksack Indians'.

Originally I wanted to go to San Francisco to be a pearl diver,

but it's crawling with earthquakes.

Do you even know what an earthquake is? Never mind, you didn't miss much.

All done; off to the spa!

[Eh! Are we through?]

[No, we need to try again!]

- Uh-oh! - What is it?

Apollo 13 is afraid of the 'road-rail' crossing.

How come?

His 12 brothers were all run over by a big locomotive.

There's only one thing for it: Ouzo!

Uh, um, Dimitri, we must move on!

There's no train anywhere in sight.

See, Apollo 13 is an intelligent mule.

Apollo 13, are you off your rocker?

Oh!

Come on, I'm begging you!

Apollo 13, don't make trouble for us!

This is a very fast train.

Apollo 13, don't be so pig-headed, Hellas!

This might be cutting it close.

[Great, now we can move on!]

Dismount! We'll stay here tonight.

At sunrise we'll go on to the Puta Rosa Ranch.

Why the hell is the light on, in my hut?

But boss, that's John...

you sent him to bed.

Oh, yeah!

Isn't it great to come home and know...

that someone's waiting for you?

The smell of fresh-brewed coffee...

crispy fried bacon, and in the distance...

a wolf sings a lonely song.

♪ Strangers in the night, it's so...

What an asshole! John drank from my cup.

John slept in my bed.

John stuck my pen up his butt!

Yeah, that's John!

Did you know the Shoshones had a folding chair?

- No. - Yes!

Oh, do you see the full moon?

Yeah.

By the full moon, Abahachi and I often used to go swimming.

We hid each others clothes and made little tracks.

He was always so sensitive.

He always consoled me when my Little Beaver hurt me.

How's your little beaver, now?

He became Big Beaver. Chief of the Kiowa.

- Ah, I see! - Yeah.

- Uschi? - Yeah?

Can you reach my left back pocket?

- Do you have a?... - Yeah!

♪ [ MOON RIVER ]

Do you hear that?

Yeah.

They're playing our song.

Yeah.

Where the heck is Ranger? He's usually so punctual.

Hope he didn't get measels.

-Look! - What? - There!

Another 'star-shooting'.

Now you can make a wish.

I'd like so much to be an Indian.

A real 'Skinred'.

M-hm?... Why?

I mean, Greek's not so bad.

Not bad, but you know,

ever since I was a little Dimitri that's been my big dream.

Ever since your grandpa Gray Star fished me out of the Mississippi River.

Me, in that little basket, about to go over the big 'fall-water'.

Whew, that was close!

I was a very happy 'child foster'.

Dimitri, you were not a foster child, you were already 16 and past puberty!

I strongly believe, one day I'll be an Indian.

No more riding a mule but a proper horse.

You need a nutcracker?... No?

Get up, men! Get up! Up, up, up!

Get up!

- Jeffrey cut the cheese! - Oh, really!

Jeffrey let another one go!

Morning, men!

Everybody go to the bathroom, and then we ride out!

Woah, ho! Ho!

Hey!

And... carry on!

Jim, John, come with me.

Damnit, Abahachi escaped!

Respect.

(Oho, ahaha ha...)

No outside shoes in here.

Yeah! Got another one!

Hombre is so good at pearl-diving!

- Get out! - Turn around.

Oops! Oh!

Jeffrey let one go!

Damned lock is jammed.

- Hands up. - Yeah!

- Drop your weapon. - Yeah! - Yeah!

Feather.

This is the shoe

of Ma-ni-tou.

The shoe of Manitou?

Oh, no.

That was easy.

Hombre, you coming? We gotta go.

Ranger!

It's always darkest before the dawn.

'I' before 'e' except after 'c'.

Hombre.

Do you have any last requests?

Yeah, the jingle from the Super Perforator commercial.

♪ You don't have to wait for later Here's a new eliminator

♪ Ask your local weapon trader For the Super Perforator

♪ Stressed? Just cool it. Here's a special bullet

♪ Put it in the magazine Boom! Bang, into your bean

♪ You can call the operator For the Super Perforator

♪ Killing is our habit Make you wriggle like a rabbit

♪ But before you die my dear Have a final glass of beer

♪ And before the break of dawn We'll have you back where you belong

♪ Sprinkled in the lawn

♪ Bully, bang bang. Bang, boom boom Meet your doom. Call us soon

♪ The local weapon trader With your Super Perforator

CHEERS!

Yaahoo!

Quick, men, move out!

There's your light of dawn.

They torched my house without asking!.

Abahachi, please give me the knife.

- Shit! - What?

I forgot it, whittling in Thunder valley.

Why must Indians always whittle?

- Got something against my hobby? - Nothing against your hobby.

This is about the knife, they cost money!

You should learn to look after for your stuff.

Your sloppiness is driving me mad!

YOU'RE slowly driving me mad, Ranger!

Aha! Out with it!

Always the same pick up line:

Howdy Ma'am, wanna meet my 'beaver pelter'?

Says the guy who played with puppets and can't grow a beard!

Forget the beard, character is what matters!

A fine character: hiding women's clothes at night!

Yeah, I hide their clothes, I admit it.

Who'd ever go skinny dipping with you?

Uschi would go skinny dipping with me any time!

Don't make me laugh!

Stop it, before someone ends up crying!

- Oh, shut up! - Oh, shut up!

Hellas!

Dimitri, there you are!

Woah!

Wanna ride with me? I got plenty of room.

No, I'm not getting in that.

Giddyup, Jacqueline!

Now, slow down. Careful, careful!

Not so fast, Jaqueline, or you'll throw up again.

The shoe of Manitou!

Shortly I'll be the richest man in the Wild West.

I could take you for my wife.

What would your wife want with me?

Nice and easy, Jacqueline, or you'll puke again, OK!

At this 'pace-snail' we'll never get there.

Nice and easy!

Yaaa! Go, Jacqueline!

Yeah, good, Jacqueline.

I told them a thousand times you have a sensitive stomach.

Let it all out, Jaqueline.

Not through the nose.

Honey, I'll be right back.

That's what comes from speeding!

Hombre.

Oh, you should empty the ashtray.

Fine, you stay here and think about what you've done.

Jim, John, come with me. The rest stay here.

Jeffrey cut the cheese!

And take good care of my future bride.

Oh!

And don't give her any more cherries.

Hey, Santa!

- Bring us back something? - Yeah, something exciting.

- Something to play with. - And chocolate! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah!

An apple is better.

No old Indian guarding the treasure?

That's odd...

- Hello?... - (Hello? Hello?)

- ♪... - (♪, ♪)

Cuckoo.

- Cuckoo. - Cuckoo.

Ok, get out, now.

- Ok, get out, now. - Ok, get out, now.

Can I have a bite of yours? Mine is mealy.

Hellas, they are down there!

Can anyone see Uschi?

No. I think we'll need a plan.

Want me to distract them again?

Uh... pff... mh-mh!

Ok, I'll go change again.

ALARM!

Hellas, everybody!

Who's that, then?

No idea.

What are you looking for?

I am Dimitri Stoubakis. Bandit exchange from Greece.

I'm supposed to report to a Mr... 'Maria Santa'?

It's a dead end, boss.

They tricked us.

John, when do we normally have lunch?

Always around 12.

Jeffrey let go another one!

Shh!

- Ranger! - Uschi!

How'd you find me?

For a first time... incredible!

Stop it, or I won't go on!

- Weenietouch! - Hombre! - I thought you were...

Nah, I'm not so easy to get rid of. You on our side, now?

Ok, kids. Lunch is ready, now.

Air.

Clean air!

- THE AIR IS SO CLEAR! - Yeah, yeah?

So, let's introduce ourselves. I'm Dimitri Stoubakis.

30 years old. My sign is virgo and in my 'time-free'

I make handcrafted birds with my 'saw-hand'.

Do you have any hobbies?

- Why can't we go in with you? - Good point! What guarantee do we have

that you won't run off with the treasure?

What was that?

That's the sound of Santa Maria's Colt.

All right...

Cover me, I'm going in.

- My brother! - Yeah?

- Take care. - Ok.

Take cover.

- Weenietouch. - What is it?

- Cover! - Sorry what?

Hide.

Ok, I'll try.

Aah!

Hello?...

Say, am I in a darkroom?

Get lost, you stupid cow!!

What a pigsty! Must be rednecks living here.

Aaaaah!

Ah, thank god the light went out.

Stop that!

Wohh!

Shit!

- Aah! - Aah!

Are you crazy? Don't scare me like that!

Shh!

Say, what do you have there?

Nothing. What are you doing here? You should take cover.

- You always take so long... - What?

Yeah, you always take forever.

You dawdle. You're a dawdler.

U-huh, I'm a dawdler?!

- Ranger! - He is. Everybody says, so.

Hear that? He's provoking me. For years, now!

I don't have to take this from a - Huh? - a - Huh?

- A second rate harmonica player! - Ohh!

Get a hair cut!

You got some nerve!

Why not write down what you don't like about each other?

It's useless, he can't even write.

None of our gang can, either.

I don't need to write. I can read tracks!

Great, that's a start!

For years it's been his only argument:

"I can read tracks"

What a good tracker, you are!

I won't take this any more. You call yourself a blood brother?!

I said, to go slow from the beginning

I needed more time.

But HE wanted blood-brotherhood within 2 weeks!

Yeah, well if that's how he felt at the time, then OK.

My god, you do stupid things, when you're young!

Stupid?!... Stupid?! I'm going crazy!

Uschi, did I hear him say, "stupid"?

I wasn't paying attention...

Yes, I think he said "stupid".

Blood-brotherhood is stupid, hm?

Fine! Let's end it.

- I quit! - I QUIT! - Ah, no!

I'm over it!

- I don't care. - Yeah me too.

- I don't need you. - Good.

If that's how it is, I'll take my toothbrush back.

Be my guest! As I recall you have my peace pipe

Here.

Uschi, c'mon, we don't need no Ranger!

- Abahachi, I... - Yeah, what is it?

I can't go with you.

What, why?

Ranger and I, we...

That's exactly why we never allowed girls in our gang.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, but...

Full moon?...

Swimming, hiding clothes?...

You always told me: Abahachi, when we get big we'll...

But, 1.69 m isn't very big. (5' 5")

I see.

So, it's the two of you, now.

Well, then I don't want to... Well...

I wish you...

Then, I'll go in there alone.

I actually prefer it that way.

So, how can I get in?

Time to read some tracks.

Aha!

I got one left.

Abahachi!

It was self-defense.

You duded-up, snotty little weiner! Think you can do anything?

Hombre, not in that tone.

I've seen enough of this.

As of today, the wind's changed, pal!

All right, I'll put it back.

My brother.

My brother?

You're alive?

His gingerbread candy heart saved his life.

- Yeah, I'm alive. - He's alive?

Yeah!

♪ I'm so glad you are alive

♪ You old son of a bow, just gimme five

♪ We are saved! My heart is easy now

♪ All I want to say is, WOW!

♪ Now come on and listen to my words

♪ Always put a candy heart under your shirt

♪ It will save you and Make your day too,

♪ 'cause it's a Leb-ku-chenherz!

♪ Holding hands and sing, Dancing to that swing.

♪ Everybody have somebody!

♪ Three in one - above us Manitou

♪ Oh we go and we get-a the money, too!

♪ And a Lebkuchen, Just a Lebkuchen

♪ With our Lebkuchen With our Lebkuchen!

♪ With our Lebkuchen-Herz.

♪ Yes!

Hombre, don't make trouble for yourself!

We're all a little overworked.

You were always so good to me.

You often saved my life, helped me with my divorces.

You've done everything to facilitate

a worry-free, comfortable, pleasant life for me.

Do you want to risk all that?

Give me the necklace.

Oh, is that it?

Why didn't you say so, if that's all?

Woah! Is this crazy, or what?

There you are! My, what I went through!

Sshh!

Look at that!

That's not where it should be.

Aaaahh!

Ah, sorry!

That's a pretty sight.

Thank god your evildoing days are over!

I'll never get that out.

Oh, it's an absolute dream!

-This is our treasure. - May I slip it on?

- M-hm. - M-hm.

Mesdames et Messieurs... voila!

- Aaahh! - Aaahh!

Hey, where are you going?

Hurry! ... Faster!

C'mon!

Have you ever driven this thing?

Yeah, but a different model.

Oh, no!

Heads down!

How much farther? I can't hold on for long!

Woah!

Weenietouch!

Faster!

What is that?

I've never heard anything like that.

It's beautiful!

Hellas! You came to save me, right?

♪ Welka kona kona-te

♪ - Kana kata kaga-te - Kana kata kaga-te

Indians!

A classic 'down-show' if I'm not mistaken.

C'mon, let's git!

Abahachi!

Hi y'all!

This time Abahachi will not escape!

No need for that.

Weenietouch, come here please?

By Manitou!

-Abahachi times two? - Hello!

Weenietouch, give him the treasure.

- My god! - What?

- Gone! - Aw, don't tell me...

That's so predictable!

-What do you mean, gone? - Gone!

Abahachi lies. Kill him!

Hey, where'd you get that?

Cunning Lizard, here is your gold.

Santa Maria stole it.

He is also your son's murderer. I saw it with my own eyes.

But where is Santa Maria?

All right, Abahachi did not murder my son, Fake Hare.

But what about Authentic Hare?

- That's a tough one. - I think I have something for you!

Ah, you look enchanting, darling!

- Thank you. - Yeah, you too.

But try horizontal stripes. They accentuate the figure.

I'll go buy drinks at the Prosecco store.

Back in a jiff. Ok, kids, now off with...

- Uschi. - Yeah?

I think I know where I belong.

Oh, Ranger!

You know, I thought that...

Yeah, I know, you and Abahachi must move on.

- What? - This land needs you.

Now, just a moment.

I actually meant that you and me...

The two of us and especially the kid...

We're a family now...

Family, shmamily!

You mustn't avoid your responsibilities.

Out there, your blood brother awaits!

Fighting together for peace, freedom, and justice!

Founding national parks.

And freeing Afro-american immigrants,

out there, from the shackles of slavery!

So that one fine day

on the first page of some history book, it will say:...

This book belongs to Peter Miller, Class, 2-C !

OK, I'll do all that, but, can you help me out of this?

So, Ranger, come on, plea...

Abahachi, can you help me out here?

No, that'll be the day!

You saved my life and gave my people a saloon.

Dimitri, my brother.

Abahachi, my brother.

I'm an Indian!

- Good evening. - Evening. - Evening.

What do you call a donkey with a PHD? - Smart ass. - Smart ass.

In 1879, Karl May publishes his first Wild West novel.

It's a bestseller!

Later that year he returns to Germany

and marries the daughter of a theater director in Bad Segeberg.

Gesundheit!

A year later, Frederico Enrico Nico Gonzalez Desperado del Torro-Hombre

wins an industry prize for inventing the BBQ ashtray.

On Dec 24, 1879,

Santa Maria's brother, Santa Claus...

begins distributibg gifts, in a attempt...

to compensate his brother's victims.

1882: Weenietouch founds the fashion label "Think Pink".

All done.

Cunning Lizard is now Cunning Bunny!

Oh, he can wear that... with his figure!

On the 4th of July, 1884, in New York,

an Indian chief wearing a rabbit costume is arrested...

and then, locked up in a reservation.

Just 4 months later, Stan Laurel is brought into the world.

All that, Abahachi and Ranger never knew.

So, waddaya say? Take a quick look at the Grand Canyon?

Yeah, and we can found a national park for Afro-american immigrants.

What? For who?

Say, don't you know anything?

- I know, Old Shatterhand, for example. - Everybody knows him.

Oh, go ride somewhere else!

You go ride somewhere else!

♪Subtitles by♪ XQ2☻

Uschi, come, we don't need no Ranger!

- Abahachi... - Yeah?

I can't go with you.

Why?

You must be Ranger! The man with the sodden...!

Shit!

I need to show you something.

Later!

Abahachi is a murderer!

Now, hold on a moment. Gross misundertanding!

Yeah, real gross! Chief, no, white palefaces... Shit.

We got lucky with the weather, huh?

What are you doing?

Well, what SHOULD I be doing?

- Your plan is all wrong! - You can kiss my ass!

Kuen take?

Aguata tunega, intu.

Intu.

- Intu kintu? - Intu.

Ptana glahh!

It read: saloon, like new, quiet transfer fee... quiet location...

Again?... We had an appointment with a realtor from Wyoming.

I'd seen his ad in the paper. It read:

"Quiet saloon: like new, no transfer fee, available immediately"

It can't be! Cut!

Hear that? A man got a stone in his soft bits...

But boss, that's John... you sent him to bed.

Oh, yeah!

I cluck like a brooding hen...

I used to own a beauty farm. A nice cozy place.

Would've done you some good too.

And this is Uschi. What a thoroughbred!

Ow! Are you crazy?

Last take!

Hah!.. My, oh my...

Oi, oi, oi...

See, Jacqueline, that's what you get.

So much bother and then they all just go home.

Hah!.. Looks like we're stuck with all the cream cheese.

We can throw another party tomorrow.

Too bad about the Prosecco.

People have no idea how hard to come by Prosecco is, around here,

not to mention ice!

But if there's no firewater in the house, then all hell breaks loose.

And they never clear the garbage. Not that gang!

Just like the water wings I got for Abahachi, once.

First he absolutely had to have them. Two weeks later they ended up in a corner.

Say, have we taken the wrong path? I think we need to go left.

No, Jacqueline, not so fast!

Slower, Jacqueline. Otherwise you'll barf again!