Original subtitles

When a man buys a ticket for a Magical Mystery Tour, he knows what to expect.

We guarantee him the trip of a lifetime - and that's just what he gets.

The incredible Magical Mystery Tour!

Ceaseless nagging! Come on, we're going to be late

I can't go any quicker!

- Stop it! - Come on!

Richard B. Starkey and his Aunt Jessica are always arguing about one thing or another.

- Oh, I'm going! - Oh, go! Go on!

And on a Sunday with the weather looking up you'd think they'd have given it a rest.

For goodness' sake, stop sitting down! All right, all right, what's your hurry?

But no - on and on they go.

"Good morning" said Richard. "Good afternoon, sir", said the courier.

They were late

'Allo, Flo, you all right, girl? I'll sit here.

Yes, I'll have the window seat - All right, so you'll have the window seat!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

Welcome to Magical Mystery Tours!

I am your courier, Jolly Jimmy Johnson!

All my friends call me Jolly Jimmy - and you are all my friends!

Over here is your hostess, that lovely, delightful, delectable... Wendy Winters!

And over here, our driver for the trip, that wonderful driver, we hope...

Alf! Off you go, Alf! Here we go now. Splendid!

Fasten your safety belts, please. Away-way-way we go!

Away we go, Alf, splendid! Very comfy in the back there, is it? Lovely

I say it's lovely. Get your popcorn out!

Right hand down. There we are, splendid. And away we go.

Anyway, I'll tell you something, you ain't coming away with me any more.

Who bought the tickets for this trip? I did. Yeah, with my money. I gave you the money

I'm taking you out. You're not taking me anywhere. Remember that.

And you've done nothing but eye all the fellas on the coach since we got here

I dunno, since Uncle Jack died, you've never been the same.

Of course I ain't, I ain't got Uncle Jack, have I? - I remember him... I remember him...

If I ain't got him, I've got to get somebody else. You should know, you're old enough at 21!

You should do a bit of knitting. Do you good - Who for? You?

Should I knit for you? No, don't knit for me.

Who is that man?

Oh, that's Mr Bloodvessel. He's quite harmless, he comes on all the trips.

He thinks he's a courier.

Last trip, he thought he was the driver.

Well, you know when I saw your first film I really thought you had something.

But it was... I was only about six...

Wasn't it "Blue Lady"? "Lady in Blue"? Something like that.

How old are you? Myself, I'm 30...

but I look a little younger due to the Fair Isle sweater which...

Excuse me, sir, I'd like to take a photograph of the young lady. Do you mind?

I don't mind if Miss Gabriella doesn't. Well, Miss Gabriella doesn't mind.

Can I have you up there?

My lucky day!

Good morning, lads and lasses. My name is Miss Winters.

Good morning Miss Winters, Miss Winters, Miss Winters!

Yes, I just wanted to say if there's anything I can do for you, you know what to do.

We at Magical Mysteries only have your best interests at heart...

and your every wish is our command.

As the bus leaves the town behind and heads for the country...

everything begins to change.

Well, almost everything.

And already the magic is beginning to work

(The army sergeant is speaking unintelligible nonsense)

Jolly good!

(Still speaking nonsense)

- Why? - Why?

Why?

(Still speaking nonsense)

and get your bloody hair cut!

Jolly good, Sarge, carry on.

On your marks... Get set...

Go!

Second gear! Come on!

Who's getting in that car? Who is it?

Come on, come on. We've gotta win those with the bikes!

Stop it! Out of the road, you stupid... He's picking the vicars up!

Hold on, we've got 'em now, folks!

If you look to your left, ladies and gentleman, the view is not very inspiring.

Ah... but if you look to your right...

Beyond the blue horizon, far above the clouds...

in a land that no-one knows...

live four or five magicians who spend their days casting wonderful spells.

Come with me now into that secret place where the eyes of man have never set foot.

Where's the bus?

Where's the bus?

Where's the bus?

It's coming.

Where's the bus?

The bus?

The bus is ten miles north on the Dewsbury road.

It's only ten miles away.

Bus... ten miles! Soon be here.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, quickly, look to your left.

Now there you see the ancient Roman ruins.

Now they really have been there an awful long time.

They are in fact a little difficult to see because they're almost flattened to the ground...

Meanwhile, back on the bus, things are happening - and life lobbies on.

Indeed, the magic is so powerful that even Mr Bloodvessel emerges from his shell.

He turns to speak.

If I may take the liberty, Mr...

Be my guest - Give over!

My dear lady...

My dear lady, doesn't intuition tell you what I feel?

Don't interrupt.

You bring out my...

I... love you!

Love you! Love you!

I am the courier.

Good morning, men... and women.

Welcome. I am your friendly courier.

Mr Bloodvessel is my name.

Buster Bloodvessel.

I am concerned for you to enjoy yourselves...

within the limits of British decency.

You know what I mean... don't you?

Well? Don't you?

Yes, Mr Bloodvessel.

What about Five little Dickie birds sitting on your head...

one named Charlie and one named Fred. Yes.

Do that one then. You do it with me.

OK. Five little Dickie birds sitting on your head, one named...

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, whoops! Charlie, whoops! Charlie, Charlie...

- Can you do that one? - No.

Yes - No!

Yes - No!

I've got a present for you. Do you know what it is? - No.

Have a guess - No!

Go on, have a guess - No.

- Have a guess! - No!

Well you're going to get it anyway.

What's that? Wait a Mo, wait a Mo.

- Do you want to blow it? - No.

All right, should we give it to George? Yeah.

There you are, George. Thank you

George, George, George, George, Oops! George, Oops! George, George...

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Our estimated time of arrival for luncheon is approximately 1:15. Thank you.

- Now shut up! - Shut up?

I've had enough of it. I can't stand it any more! I'm getting off! Off!

Don't get historical!

Aunt Jessie's hungry.

And she's dreaming.

She's dreaming about food... food... food.

Beautiful food.

Oh, lettuce (food)...

potatoes (food)...

apples (food)

Oh, lovely food.

Lots and lots of spaghetti.

This time I mean it!

I can't breathe any more. It's too much.

All this... mud... in 45 minutes!

I can hardly get my breath!

It's intake, Jessie, not output

lam, I am!

I am already! Three times this week already!

For goodness' sake, Jessie, sit down. Remember!

I don't care! This is the way he would have wanted it.

Pirandello! Help me up the stairs.

Yes, lady.

Wake up, Jessie.

There's no business like show business, there's no business I know.

Everything about it is so appealing.

Let's go on wit' show.

Ta da!

Here we are again! Everybody up and quickly in your seats.

Well, well, well. They are a happy crowd.

Go on. Come along, back on the bus. Come on.

Ooh... Wonder what the magicians are cooking up now!

Ready!

Tea up, fellas.

Ooh, talk about your magical mysteries, I've spent half an hour looking for that sugar!

I was half an hour looking for the sugar.

Is there one for me? Aye, there's one over here, Richard.

Oh, how are you, Bonzo? All right? Any news of the bus?

The bus? It's ten miles north on the Dewsbury road.

And they're having a lovely time.

They're having a lovely time! They're having a lovely time!

Can you tell me what's next on the agenda?

A song.

No! No!

Not you... them! On the bus!

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! Have you then? Ah!

There they are a-standing in a row!

Come on, join in. What's the matter with you?

Toot Toot Tootsie goodbye!...

Val-deri, Val-dera, Val-deri, Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

When Irish eyes are smiling...

Ladies and gentlemen, when the coach stops...

would the gentlemen please follow Mr Johnson and the ladies stay with me.

Here we are now, off we go.

In for a jolly evening with Jolly Jimmy. This way!

Everybody comfortable?

Come on, where are they?

And that was a Magical Mystery Tour

I told you. Goodbye