Original subtitles

This is Taylor's last performance

before she graduates, and we're gonna be

so far in the back that I can't document it.

Swayze had his shirt off. What was I supposed to do?

See? The doors are closed! We're late!

Taylor goes on at 6:15. It's 6:13.

I gave us a two-minute buffer

because you pee so often these days.

Where are you going?

To our seats.

Sorry. We're late. It's her fault.

Whenever "Point Break" is on, she just has to finish it.

Katie, what are you doing?

These are reserved for the senator.

There's no senator. I snuck in here

and taped them off when I picked up Anna-Kat.

But everyone else waited in line. Are you kidding?

These spoiled ding-a-lings had their nannies do it for them.

You can't just break the rules like this.

Sure, you can. See? We're doing it.

You just have to become immune

to people staring daggers at you.

This is how you handle it.

Hey, girl!

I'm not a big classical music fan, but that seemed fine.

Okay, our next performer is--

Very funny. That was not me.

I have exquisite control.

Young man over P.A. system: Seniors rule!

Westport Unified has a tradition of senior pranks,

but this time, you've gone too far, mister.

You fart me? Well, I fart you!

From now on, there will be no more senior pranks

for the rest of the year, or face the consequences!

I can't believe Principal Ablin called off senior prank.

I know, and the one I did my last senior year

was so much fun.

You guys should just do one anyway.

Taylor, don't listen to your mother. She's a bad influence.

My favorite memories all involve breaking the rules.

Like in high school, my friend Missy Andrews

stole a key to the concession stand,

and we would skip class, sneak in,

and grill hamburgers.

That's truancy, breaking and entering, stealing--

No! It was the best.

It's also where I learned

that I was definitely not a lesbian.

Hmm. What is wrong with you?

I just want our daughter to have some fun!

Live a little. You only get one life.

Don't worry, Dad, I'm definitely not doing a senior prank.

Right. You guys are not doing a prank.

Gotcha.

Why are you winking at me?

Great. So, you're a snitch, too.

I'm worried if Taylor doesn't learn to break the rules

and color outside the lines once in a while,

she's going to miss out.

I'm a lawyer. My whole life is rules.

We have them for a reason--

to secure a safe and just society.

Hmm.

You know, when you're as rich as I am,

there are no rules.

Watch.

Yes, hi.

I would like that woman's food.

Okay, she's having the-- N-No.

You're not understanding me.

I want her food.

Oh, I-- I couldn't possibly--

Hey! I'm not done!

See? No rules.

Greg is such a rigid by-the-book guy,

and that's what I love about him.

Actually, I don't.

I don't know why I just said that.

Mm-hmm. Continue.

Because he's such a rule-follower,

I have to go the other way to balance things out for the kids.

So it's Greg's fault

that I have to force Taylor to do a senior prank.

I'd like my breakfast back.

No.

Bring me your fruit.

No rules!

If I make this, I'll have my dad buy the Warriors.

Why'd you do that?

I don't care for Steph Curry.

Guys...

I just got invited to a party at Maggie K's house.

It's my first "party for no reason" party!

That's big!

iFelicidades!

You made it.

You've become a cool kid, huh?

My money was on shut-in or serial killer.

I'm so excited to go with Franklin.

Wait. Franklin was invited to this party?

Well, no, but he's staying with us this weekend.

His mom's cult is going to Branson, Missouri,

to take in a few shows.

It's not all arms trafficking and praying to the moon.

You can't bring Franklin.

I have to.

He's my platonic childhood husband/partner.

But this is a cool-kid party,

and Franklin's a stone-cold weirdo.

No, he's not. He's unique.

Off-beat. Eccentric.

All words parents use when their kid is a weirdo.

Well, I can't blow off this party.

That'd be social suicide.

Can you guys help me?

By doing what? I don't know.

Teach Franklin to be cool so I can take him with me.

I guess we could help this kid out.

I made you cool. I could make Franklin cool.

Are you kidding? I made you cool, dude.

Dude, you never even used the word "dude"

before I met you, dude.

Dude. Dude.

Dude? Dude.

Dude.

What the hell is going on?

Thanks for taking us to get tacos, Mrs. A.

I lied.

We're not going to get tacos.

Oh, no, I've seen her do this to Luthor.

We're going to the vet!

We're going to your school to pull a senior prank!

Whoo! Class of 2019!

But we're the class of 2020.

Sorry. Old habits.

I've got Silly String, shaving cream, and clothes

to make the Minuteman look like Principal Ablin.

Let's get to work!

But aren't we gonna get in trouble?

Silly String and shaving cream wipe off.

This is harmless fun.

Taylor, trust your mother.

Whoa!

This is so much better than my prank.

I was gonna spin around real fast until I got dizzy.

And? That was the whole prank.

Who's that pranking?

My tummy, mostly.

Oh, geez...

Wow. That is such a good Ablin.

We've gotta send this to him.

Oh, sweetie. I feel so alive!

But we should really get going before we get caught.

Hang on. Here is the finishing touch.

Mm!

Alright, come on down.

Oh, my God, the statue! I broke it!

Oh, man. Don't worry.

I'm sure it snaps right back in.

I'm not gonna lie to you, kids. This is not good.

Okay, thank you.

That was the Historical Guild.

Apparently, last night,

some monster desecrated the school's Minuteman statue!

Off with his head! That's far too humane!

If these were Colonial days,

whoever did this would be dragged by horses,

thrown off a cliff, and--

Oh, you're making fun of me.

I can't take this. I'm going to confess to Dad.

Taylor, if you take responsibility for your actions,

you are so grounded.

You are the weirdest mom ever!

Look, the only way we're getting out of this mess

is if we stick together and keep our mouths shut.

I did what you said, Mrs. A.

I "took care" of the musket.

I took really good care of it.

It's cleaned and polished.

That's not at all what I meant.

I'm starting to think I have a learning disability.

Oh, sweetie.

Ugh! Holy crap, it's Principal Ablin.

We're caught!

Trip, I am going to be very clear here

so that there's no confusion.

Bury the musket in the backyard using a shovel,

and make sure that the musket is fully covered with dirt

so that it's not sticking out of the ground.

"It" being the musket,

and "the ground" being the ground.

See?

Why can't everyone talk to me like that?

Coming!

Principal Ablin! What a surprise.

I've come with terrible news.

You're going to want to sit down.

The Westport Minuteman, our school's beloved statue,

has been vandalized.

What?!

Do you have any idea who did this?

Not yet. That's why I'm here.

I wanted to talk to your husband.

Oh. Um, Greg?!

I'm sure you know about the attack.

I do.

I was standing right there when I heard the news.

I myself was near the water fountain at school

that doesn't have enough pressure.

Ah, the dribbler. I know it well.

Since this is a school matter,

I'm keeping the investigation in-house,

but I need someone on my team

with an intimate knowledge of local history.

Will you help me catch the criminals who did this?

Of course. For history!

For Westport! For Mother!

Hello, Dad and Principal.

We were just outside digging holes.

We watched the movie "Holes,"

and we wanted to dig holes

like the holes they dug in "Holes."

You probably have no idea,

but your school's Minuteman statue has been vandalized,

and Principal Ablin here has no idea who did it.

No idea.

But I soon will.

Spread the word, kids.

Whichever senior did this

will not be able to walk at graduation.

Milady.

Is he threatening to break our legs?

I'll explain later.

Okay, Franklin, my brother and Cooper are here

to get you ready for your first cool-kid party.

Ooh, a makeover!

But just so you know, I'm happy with my frame,

so I don't want to get too buff.

Franklin, the two things you need to succeed at a Westport party

are conversation skills and a sick outfit.

Do you have a go-to funny story?

Do I!

Me and my Uncle Julius were on a canoe trip,

and I had a fishing line hanging off my extra toe--

We're shutting this down right now.

I'll give you one of my stories,

you'll memorize it and say it word for word.

We need to lose the tiger shirt.

Mm-hmm, definitely.

And are you wearing jeggings, Franklin?

Oh, jeggings is a much better name.

I've been calling them leg-eans.

Let's get to work.

The Minuteman was placed here over 200 years ago.

The school was actually built around the statue in 1958.

And here he stands,

a symbol of those who defended this town.

Now it's our turn to defend him.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

I'm going to take this to the lab and get it tested.

It's Silly String. But can we be sure?

Yeah. We can be sure. Hmm.

The lab will give us a definitive answer.

Now...

Mm.

What is this mystery substance here?

It's very clearly shaving cream.

Or is that what the culprit wants us to think?

Only the lab will know for sure. What lab?

Well, it's not a Labrador Retriever,

I'll tell you that.

That's a joke that the professionals in the lab taught me.

So I'm in Lake Como on my dad's 78-foot yacht

and they're bringing out the caviar--

No, no, no. Wagyu steak skewers.

If you can't remember that,

then we're just going to have to do the Prague story,

because they're not going to serve caviar at Lake Como.

Not at that time of year.

Franklin, if you want to remember Wagyu

just remember-- Wagyu, doo-doo.

He can remember anything if you just put doo-doo in it.

Watch this--

Franklin, what's the atomic number of titanium?

Two, two! The system works.

Katie, can you move your car?

Why don't you just take mine? The keys are on the table.

Great. See you later.

There's empty cans of Silly String

and shaving cream in the back seat!

I told you to dissolve those in an acid bath!

We don't have any acid! You didn't even call Home Depot!

Go!

Wait! Dad!

What's up, sweetie?

Um, I'm worried about you and Mom.

What? It's just I haven't seen you guys kiss

in a really long time.

And I'm worried about your marriage.

Taylor, that's insane.

Greg, our daughter is clearly very upset.

Let's show her that our relationship is as strong as ever.

Well, I--

Thanks, guys.

That was great.

Okay, good. She feels better.

That was weird,

but I'll take it.

I handed it to her, she took a sip,

and she said, "That's the best lemonade I've ever had."

And that's where Beyoncé got the name for her album.

I don't need credit, though.

The compliment was enough.

You did it! That's the story.

You told it from beginning to end with no mistakes.

And this outfit...

If we could achieve this with my Dad,

I could maybe get behind being seen in public with him.

What happens when he's done telling the story?

What does he say then?

After a story like that,

all he has to do is lean against the wall,

sip some water, and play it cool.

Coop, show him.

Whoa.

Standing and sipping water?

It'll take some practice, but I think I can do it.

Okay, here's what I've got so far.

Below the statue,

it says, "Seniors Rule," in shaving cream.

You were right.

And you were right about the Silly String, too.

It cost me $200 to have a lab confirm that,

plus a $250 speeding ticket I got racing to the lab.

Money well-spent.

So, since I've left, you've made... zero progress.

It's shaving cream and Silly String, Greg.

We now know that.

Why don't we check the school's security cameras?

Those are fake. But wasn't there a fundraiser?

We used the money for Restoration Hardware couches for the teachers' lounge.

Pretty sweet.

But without footage or some evidence,

we're never going to solve this case.

All we need to do is go to every store

within a hundred-mile radius that sells Silly String

and interview the clerks. Aggressively.

I don't know why I thought this was going to be real.

...and don't forget

to attach your bibliography.

Properly formatted!

You do such a good Mrs. Conway impression.

Why is Franklin over there by himself?

Oh, he's just jet lagged from Italy.

Oh, my gosh, Italy? I love Italy.

Hey, Franklin, Anna-Kat said

you just got back from Europe.

It was Italy, actually.

You're just as funny as Anna-Kat!

Why don't you tell them about your trip, Franklin?

It was so interesting

and worthy of telling other people about.

I'd love to.

So I'm in Lake Como on my dad's 78-foot yacht

and they're bringing out the Wagyu steak skewers--

Lake Como?

Isn't that where George Clooney has a place?

Uh...

Just keep going.

So I'm in Lake Como on my dad's 78-foot yacht...

You already said that.

I know but I only have it memorized

from the beginning.

Wait, what do you mean memorized?

Just continue the story from where you stopped.

So I'm in Lake Como

on my dad's 78-foot yacht.

And they're bringing out

the doo-doo steaks-- I mean, Wag-doo.

Shoot. What do I do?

Just do the water thing.

Pardon me for a minute, I've developed a thirst.

Franklin! No. Abort!

Franklin! No! Stop!

So I'm in Lake Como on my dad's 78-foot yacht,

and they're bringing out the Wagyu steak skewers...

So it turns out

Principal Ablin's no Hercule Poirot. I'm sorry, who?

He's no Inspector Gadget. Got it.

We're never going to find out who damaged that statue.

Don't give up, Mr. A. You're better than that.

Give up, Mr. A.

You're not better than that.

Well, this is a real shame.

It will forever remain unsolved,

like who killed Biggie.

Why does Luthor have the Minuteman's musket?

He must have attacked the vandals

and kept the musket as a trophy.

Good boy, Luthor!

Well, case closed.

You're right.

Luthor is the vandal.

Case closed.

Case closed!

Okay, what the hell is going on?

Well, clearly someone broke into our backyard

and buried the musket in an effort to frame us.

No.

Me, Trip, and Mom vandalized the statue.

And that's why you're not my favorite.

We let you down, Mrs. A.

I'm sorry we're not the criminals you wanted us to be.

I'm going to return the musket and tell Ablin who's responsible.

Good job, Luthor.

Idiot.

Oh, there you are.

I didn't do such a good job being cool, did I?

It's okay, Franklin.

You know, this isn't really my scene, man.

I'm just going to stay in here

for the rest of the party.

Okay, want me to get you anything?

I'll take more of that flower water if they have it.

That stuff is good.

I'll see what I can do.

♪ And in the bad times, I fear myself ♪

♪ I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in ♪

♪ I'll never meet the ground ♪

♪ Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us ♪

♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪

♪ In the sha-ha, sha-ha-low ♪

♪ In the sha-, sha-la-la-la-low ♪

♪ In the sha-ha, sha-ha-low ♪

♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪

Franklin, that was beautiful!

I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.

Your voice is--

Like an angel. I know.

I never should've listened to Oliver and Cooper.

You're perfect just being you.

I'm always myself.

Except when I'm the ghost of my Uncle Julius

who died in that canoe accident.

Franklin, I'm sorry I tried to change you.

That's okay.

I know I'm weird.

But I really like myself.

I could do without the chronic lower back pain,

but I heard it gets better as you get older.

Principal Ablin.

Good news.

As you can see, I'm this close to solving it.

Now all I have to do

is replace these question marks with names and faces.

I know who did it.

It was me.

I knew it!

It's the only reason I put you on the case,

to keep my enemies close.

You almost got away with it.

But nobody escapes... Ablin Justice.

But I turned myself in.

Potato potato.

I can't believe we're not walking at graduation.

Again.

I'm really sorry, guys.

So I talked with Principal Ablin.

Taylor and Trip should be allowed to walk graduation.

Taylor worked so hard this year,

I thought she just deserved a little fun.

This is on me. I'm going to go tell Ablin that I broke the statue.

Too late. I already told him I did it.

You what? And as punishment, he's putting me

on the school's recycling committee

even though I founded the committee,

and I'm still not sure why he'd think that's a punishment.

Thank you! Oh.

Mr. A, thanks, but why'd you take the blame?

Sometimes it's okay to break the rules,

especially when it's to protect your kid.

That is what I've been saying the whole time!

No, you haven't been saying that at all.

What you've been saying is,

your best memories involve breaking the rules,

and I realized my best memory does, too.

Back when I was a TA in college,

there was this cute, vivacious student I really wanted to ask out,

but it was strictly forbidden.

So, I broke the rules, asked her out anyway.

Look at that.

Without a little rule breaking,

this family wouldn't even exist.

Aww.

Do you know what you're awwing about?

No, but your dad told a long story

and your mom didn't say anything mean, so...

Hey, guys.

So? How'd our boy do?

Franklin was amazing! That does it.

We're opening a finishing school for high-class boys.

It actually had nothing to do with your advice.

I never should've listened to you dummies.

And this outfit is all wrong.

You don't cover up these guns. You show them off.

Then what happened?

Turns out, Franklin doesn't need your help.

There's tons we don't know about him.

Did you know he's a black belt in karate?

There's no way you're a black belt in karate.

Shut him up, Franklin.

I learned it from watching "Walker, Texas Ranger."

I don't even know what to believe anymore.