Original subtitles

I forgot how much we laugh on this show!

Lancer!

- Not him! - Not him. Damn it!

Not him, either.

He definitely isn't the one!

Are you the thieves, or are you looking for one?

Sidhu ji, the thing is, one of our patients

escaped under the cover of night. We are looking for him.

Have you seen him anywhere?

Don't be so protective,

- or the protector may stray. - Right.

And don't treat too harshly Or the patient may go away!

Wow!

Is he a thief or a patient?

He could be a thief, a policeman, a scientist, anything

- All in one! - if he forgets to take his pills!

- Got it. - Today, he's the king of some country.

And that is why

we dressed up as soldiers to catch him.

We are actually doctors!

Let me introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Sharma,

and I am Dr. Verma.

- Dr. Sharma. - Yes?

I think we have to use the same tactic again

we used the last time to catch him.

Very correct, Dr. Verma.

- With respect, - With respect,

- and reverence, - and reverence,

- all rise! - all rise!

- O King, wherever you are, - O King, wherever you are,

- please present yourself! - please present yourself!

A king!

KAPIL SHARMA AS THE KING

- All hail the King! - All hail the King!

All hail the King! What's wrong?

The same old...

boring slogan, "All hail the King! All hail the King!"

Come up with some new ones,

like, "Maharaj ki fateh-ho!" Add "Nora" before fateh.

Maharaj ki Nora fateh-ho!

Come on.

Maharaj, at least tell us all,

what country you're the king of.

I'm creating a new country!

- A new country? - I'll name it soon.

Okay. But what happened to your old country, Maharaj?

The old country-- Sidhu sahab, what do I say!

- What? - The Gen Z rose and revolted against us,

and overthrew our throne.

- Oh, no! - Yes!

I was sleeping,

and they started slapping me.

But then I had an idea, I quickly wrapped a towel around my head,

- joined them and looted my own house. - Really?

- At one point, one person got suspicious. - About what?

That I was one of the royals.

So I slapped my brother-in-law a few times in front of him!

That's how I saved myself.

But why was the throne overthrown, Maharaj?

It was the same boring demands,

"Give us jobs, build roads, build hospitals!"

Unbelievable! In our country, the only thing that grew

was inflation, but they wanted it to go down!

Superb!

And the throne wasn't the only thing overturned.

They also overturned our sofa. They broke our TV!

Well, I understand them asking for jobs,

but some of them slapped saying,

"It was too hot this year!" I mean...

That's why I am creating my own new country.

- Oh, wow! - Okay, that's great,

but, Maharaj, how big will your new country be?

It will be approximately...

165 square yards big, my country.

- And if we include the footpath... - Okay.

...add 20 more yards. So, 185!

- Wow! - Yeah.

Why are you making such a small country, Maharaj?

These days, small is in, old soldier!

- Old soldier! - And look.

Sidhu sahab, we wore longer underpants.

- Right! - Yes.

- Then they became ye short. - Yes.

And they became Frenchies!

Right?

Then 50-over cricket matches became 20-over matches!

- Yes. - Yes!

Before, our shows had 200 episodes. Now we have only 13!

That's why my country will be small.

So that if an enemy ever tries to invade it,

I can see them coming from the bathroom!

- Wow! Wow! - Small country is an efficient country.

Let me tell you, Maharaj,

Your idea is fantastic. But tell me,

how many citizens will your small country have?

- Very limited. Only 100 citizens. - Okay.

My country will have only 100 citizens,

and they'll all belong to different religions.

- What? - Why different religions, Maharaj?

Because if they all belong to one, they can gang up and thrash the king!

That's why they will all belong to different religions,

so they keep fighting each other and the king's safe!

- Nice one! - And one more thing.

There will be no stand-up comedians in our country.

What are you talking about, Maharaj?

I mean, why would stand-up comedians be a problem?

Well, in the name of satire, they make jokes on us

and get away with it saying "Jokes apart!"

Lovely!

So please present those who wish to be citizens of my country.

- But first, make an announcement... - What?

that courtesy of the kingdom, the first five citizens to arrive

will get a free shave and haircut!

- Oh! - Wow!

- Citizens, present yourselves! - Citizens, present yourselves!

Hail to the King!

Maharaj, we've been waiting outside for two hours. Our feet really hurt.

- Quickly conduct the interview, please. - Come here.

You stand in line all night to buy the latest Apple phone.

This is your chance to win a citizenship in such an amazing country,

- and your feet hurt... - So-- Sorry!

I'll break your legs!

Please forgive us, Maharaj,

we do wish for citizenship of your country.

But could you tell us what facilities you'll provide us with?

We have many facilities.

In our country, the tax is only ten percent.

Wow! So, 90 percent is ours?

Yes, ninety percent is ours.

Ten percent is yours!

Maharaj, you're exploiting your citizens!

How is it exploitation? Have you ever run a country?

- No. - Have you ever bought a country?

- Sidhu sahab! - Yes?

I bought this piece of land for 30,000 rupees per square yard.

Really?

Yes, it was away from the highway.

Close to the highway, it cost up to 2,500,000 per square yard.

- So you're recovering that money from us? - Not at all.

I'm hiring women to collect the tax.

Why women?

Government manages to get only ten percent out of people.

Women easily get 100 percent out of their husbands!

- And the government... - Yes?

- ...can only recover the white money. - Yes.

Only a wife can get her husband's black money out!

- Yes! - Yes.

Superb!

But, Maharaj,

what does ten percent even afford?

Inflation has increased so much.

How will we afford our children's education?

Don't worry about education.

It will be free.

Wow, Maharaj! You're offering free education?

No, you misunderstand. Just like "sugar-free" and "alcohol-free,"

our country will be education-free.

There--

- There will be no concept of education. - Amazing!

But, Maharaj, this way, everyone will be illiterate.

Illiterate?

Do you know how useful it is to be illiterate?

An illiterate person's bread lasts years.

- What? - Maharaj, how is that?

They don't know how to read the expiry date.

They can have it for however long.

We've made some amendments to our calendar.

- Like? - In our country,

a month will only have 15 days.

But a month has 30 days, Maharaj.

Come here, watermelon! Come!

- Watermelon! - How many days?

Th-- Thirty!

- Thirty days. - Yes.

You poor man, your salary lasts only 11 days.

You have chicken the day you get your salary,

and by the eleventh day, you're back to eating yellow dal.

And you want a month with 30 days in it?

- Sorry! - Superb!

Maharaj, you are not making any sense.

Do we even have law here?

Look, there's no law written down per se,

but I have ideas in my head.

Then how will you implement them?

Implement? Well, look,

the first year, we will run the country without law and order.

If it works, it works.

- We'll continue as is. - Wow!

So in your country, will there be education or corruption?

The second one's fine.

But, Maharaj, still, laws should be written down.

They already have so many demands!

Let's write it down. Where's the constitution we were writing?

- Yes, here you go. - Go on.

We'll write it down bit by bit every day. You see,

- I can't remember it all at once. - Amendments.

As per need.

- We will make hard laws... - Sure.

- Very good. - Yes.

...and really soft omelets.

- Omelets? - Wait, hold this.

- Maharaj, tell me something. - Where did omelets come from?

What will the new country's flag look like?

Hey! No flags! We'll have no flags.

- What? - Flags cause too many fights.

We have the flagstaff, minus the flag!

Only the pole remains.

And if anyone dares question us,

- we will take the pole... - And hit their backs?

There are women here, so I won't spell it out,

but I'll go lower!

I'll thrash them with it so hard...

You'll turn their backside red!

- Hey, write this down in the constitution. - Write it down.

- That-- I just got the idea. - What?

Whatever the king takes a liking to will be the law.

- Write it down. - Done.

But that only benefits the king.

What do we gain from this, Maharaj?

- You want benefits? - Yes.

Everyone benefits.

Everyone will get one chance at being the king of this country.

- Wow! - Yes!

Amazing!

When will I get the chance, Maharaj?

When an enemy country attacks us!

Go ahead, son, get on the gallows, and God will do the rest!

When the enemy country attacks,

and their king asks, "Who is your king,"

take your name.

And if they ask about me,

tell them I'm your sister-in-law from the village.

- Maharaj, we'll die like this. - Look,

- learn how to fight wars. - Yes.

Nothing will happen to you.

- First, let's check your aim. - Yes.

- Okay? - Yes, I caught it!

First rule, never catch an arrow mid-air.

Now...

Now, let's check your aim.

Shoot the fish in the eye.

But where's the fish, Maharaj?

- The fish? - Yes.

- Where's the fish? - There's fish?

Him. He's the fish.

Maharaj, why am I the fish?

- Okay, write this down. - Sure, tell me.

Write down...

anyone wearing purple will be considered a fish in this country.

Oh, man!

Anyone can eat him as a snack, it wouldn't be a sin.

Speaking of snacks, write this one down too.

If anyone in my country is caught drinking

alone without me,

they will be hanged on the spot!

Maharaj, why hang someone over something so small?

That's small? All right, you're the king from now on.

What? Maharaj, you've done such a big thing for me!

Is it a big thing now? Hang him then.

One minute, Maharaj. Just a minute.

Hanging someone for no reason, that's really wrong.

- Is it wrong? - Yes.

- There's my reason! - What?

Write this, sneezing is fatal.

- Anyone who sneezes in my kingdom... - Yes?

will be hanged immediately. Write it down.

You sneezed!

Maharaj, come on, you'll be hanged now.

Wait, write this down. Any rule the king makes up in a hurry will be struck down.

- Maharaj, that's cheating! Cheating! - Right.

Hold on.

- Chameleons don't change that fast! - Write down...

if anyone complains, "Maharaj, that's cheating!", they'll be hanged twice!

What!

- Let's run! - Let's get away!

- Run for your life! - They're running!

- Soldiers! - Yes?

- Get them. - Get 'em!

- Get 'em! - Got him!

- We got you! - Shut up!

- Gotcha! - Not me, catch them.

Maharaj, you just laid down the law and wrote constitution.

- It's time to put a stamp on it. - Right.

What stamp are you talking about?

- Here. - I don't want that one.

That one, yes.

I don't want this stamp.

Listen.

No! No! No, no!

- Hey! - No! No!

What are you doing?

- Please stand up. - Please hear me out.

- Answer your king's question. - Go on.

- If "go" becomes "run"? - "Go" becomes "run".

If "go" becomes "run," then what happens to "go now"?

- It becomes "run now"! - All right then!

Hey! Get him!

Come on!

Thank you. Thank you.

- Kapil! - Kapil!

Hello and welcome to The Great Indian Kapil Show,

Season Four!

- Kapil! - Kapil!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Please sit down.

- Thank you. - Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!

Archana ji and Sidhu paaji...

- Yes. - ...season four has begun.

The fourth season is here.

It is going to be four times the joy...

- Yes. - ...four times the fun,

and four times the madness.

And by the way,

everything around me lately has been multiplying by four.

- Really? - Yes!

Recently, in my movie, I had four wives.

Yes, yes.

And our first guest kicking off this fourth season

is famous in all four directions of the world.

- Yeah! - Please welcome...

a global star who's desi at heart,

one and only, Priyanka Chopra Jonas!

Keep the applause coming!

A shower of flowers just for you.

PC!

Let's hear it for her louder!

PC! PC! PC! PC! PC!

Thank you for your love and enthusiasm.

So please don't disturb us for the next one hour.

Priyanka, a warm welcome.

Thank you so much. That was some welcome.

It really felt like a homecoming.

Of course, it's you after all.

We ordered about four and a half kilos of flowers.

Kapil, they've really upped your show's budget.

Because you're here!

The budget wasn't for Kapil.

It's for the angel that's descended from Lord Indra's court!

Sidhu paaji is right.

The way Priyanka arrived felt like a princess had arrived.

And she is one, one that rules over millions of hearts.

She's made her way into so many hearts,

that even a father of two sometimes forgets that he's married.

Yeah, of course!

You always forget that.

And that happens sometimes.

It's okay, Kapil.

This is why he wanted to shower you with flowers.

I swear...

when you look at PC, you know God made this world.

And then there are few people in my circle

who make you think that some parents make mistakes.

Now if you see,

we first saw PC on TV when she was crowned Miss World.

That was 25 years ago, paaji!

But you'd win the title even today.

- Oh. - Genuinely.

Thank you.

Sidhu paaji can't seem to contain the poem inside. Let it out!

Beauty is among us today in Priyanka's form...

- My, oh, my. - Wow!

Beauty is among us today in Priyanka's form,

and we've laid out our hearts to welcome her here.

So charming is her beauty, to prevent a heart's surprise,

we've placed a doctor in the crowd for safety in disguise.

- So good, wow! Amazing! - Clap it up!

"We've placed a doctor in the crowd for safety in disguise!"

And I just received a text from a doctor.

Come on, man!

The doctor says her name is Navjot Kaur Sidhu!

She says, "My husband is really trying my patience."

"He does one show with Archana, and another with Malaika."

"He came here for Priyanka but told me he was at a cricket match!"

You have done it today!

You have troubled me enough today!

Priyanka, since you are here, everyone looks so happy.

But I'm a bit hesitant.

- Why? - Well, I'm hesitating

- because... - Yes?

We are both married.

By the way, we got married the same year.

- Really? - To different people, so...

I am hesitant

because we're on Netflix, and it has subtitles.

So I'm afraid Nick will read them.

What?

That's why I'm a bit anxious. Everything else is fine.

No, it's no problem. Nick knows

that everyone flirts with me, but he's the one I go home to.

May I tell you something?

Whenever Priyanka comes to India,

she always comes on the show to meet us.

Do I call that a coincidence or love?

I mean...

- Look... - Give an inch, and they take a mile.

He's been saying that for so many years.

Seven years since you got married, and it's the same thing!

Change the way you flirt.

Surprise me a little.

You can marry whoever you want, but the heart still loves you!

- I wore my best perfume, worth 750 rupees. - I like the outfit.

- Oh! - I wore my best outfit.

- Yeah. - What more can I-- I don't know.

You could have freshened it up.

Maybe another spritz of the perfume.

So... I could've smelled the perfume.

Before, I used to wear Cobra, 150 rupees apiece.

What do you use now?

Today, I'm wearing Creed.

- Creed? - Creed!

He's become fancy now.

- My God, Creed! - Yes, yes.

I also worked hard after seeing you and your level of fitness.

That's what I was thinking. It's been a while since you got married.

Seven years, so it's like...

- Yes. - ...you've been married for a while.

How did you get so fit all of a sudden?

Actually, I was doing a movie with four heroines.

So, I lost... four kilos per wife.

- So the math... 16 kilos. - I lost 16 kilos.

I have noticed another change.

- He's pretty fluent in English. - He's trying to impress you.

Nowadays, I'm very comfortable, me and English--

How comfortable are you?

We made peace with each other.

It's like a husband and wife's relationship.

- Keep going. - Daily, we have little problems--

A desi man can never dally with English.

He is dallying with English!

He's just jealous. You can talk to me in English now.

Yeah, yeah.

- Alright! I have a question. - Yes.

How would you...

delineate the underlying forces shaping your mental disposition currently?

- I love this! - Bouncer!

Bouncer!

This English hasn't arrived in India yet.

Okay.

Look, this time, I'm coming all the way from LA, directly to your studio.

- How sweet of you! - And I'm going back tonight.

- Just to meet you. - Let's go for dinner. The show--

Why are we on the show? Come on.

Is there a new restaurant we should check out?

I have opened cafes now!

Priyanka posted a story as soon as she landed here.

I got so many messages saying,

"We want to be on the show."

People from Mumbai can make it,

but these were from people in Karnal, Panipat and whatnot!

I didn't check them. I was getting ready for the show.

But I will go and respond after this.

Show us the post. Right.

- I was like, "Kapil, be ready." - You better be ready.

We are meeting after so long. What did you write?

I--

This man will never change!

What kind of man changes? What kind of love--

Give me your phone.

- My phone? - Yes.

- For what? - What's your wife's number?

- How is she saved here? - Let me.

- Ginni's is A-- - Her name--

- A... - How can you spell Ginni with an A?

A-S...

- A-S-what? - A-S-L-I...

- "Asliwali?" - Real...

I mean...

- It's just a joke. - Call her.

You're lucky that I know Ginni. Hi, Ginni. Priyanka here.

- How are you? - Kapil-- What? Priyanka?

- Hi, how are you? - Is it Priyanka Chopra?

Yeah. Sorry, I didn't say my last name.

Yes, Priyanka Chopra.

Hello, Priyanka. Where are you?

I'm on Kapil's show--

- Didn't he tell you I was coming? - No...

He said he was shooting with Anup Jalota.

He has been repeating the same lines for years now.

Please train him to flirt in a new way.

- Right? - I forgot to train him for that. Now what?

- Who else will? - Thank God. I'm happy

that he's flirting with you.

Because he just starts flirting with anyone.

I mean...

"Flirts with anyone!"

Your wife says I have raised your standards.

Exactly, exactly.

Raise your standards. Have you seen your wife?

She is so beautiful.

- Value her. - Thank you, Priyanka.

Another man's wife is always beautiful.

Priyanka, how is Malti?

Malti is fine. How are your kids?

Your daughter is six now.

- Yes, I'm at Anayra's birthday party. - Anayra.

Oh, my God! Please wish her for me.

I was looking at Anayra's photo. She has grown so much.

I feel like she was born before my eyes. You guys just got married.

- Right? - Yes.

- Remember? - I married right after you did.

I had lost all hope.

Ginni, take care of the kids.

You must be busy looking after the kids.

- Later-- - I'll wrap up soon and send him back.

Come home, Kapil. I'll talk to you then.

- You are done now! - I want to see

- how you go home today. - Look.

What did Ginni say?

- What? - "It's okay if he flirts with you."

Priyanka is everyone's favorite.

- Priyanka, do you know? - Yes?

My life is an open book,

and our team was discussing Priyanka yesterday,

and we used AI-- Didn't exist when you were here last time.

- Yes. Can you imagine? - Let me show you

what AI says about you.

- Oh, God! - Hello, AI.

Give us detailed information about Priyanka Chopra in Hindi.

Priyanka Chopra Jonas is an internationally renowned

Indian actress, singer, and producer,

who has become one of the most prominent global figures of her generation.

- Wow! - Winner of the Miss World 2000 pageant,

and she is the highest-earning actress in India.

Among her many other accolades, she has been honored

with two National Film Awards and five Filmfare Awards.

Thank you, sis.

AI is such an amazing thing.

Absolutely perfect information.

Can I ask her something?

AI, please tell us about Kapil, but keep it brief.

Kapil Sharma is a stand-up comedian and film actor

who admits to being married only in Andheri West.

Elsewhere, he keeps flirting with women.

He previously tried to seduce many film actresses,

but he never succeeded.

- He also has two kids... - Enough.

...but he believes that the kids are pretty young

and wouldn't really find out.

Shut up, that's enough.

- This was-- - Rained on your parade.

AI will not exist one day.

That was nonsense.

Come, Priyanka. Please sit.

A round of applause for Priyanka.

Today... is going to be fun!

- Please. - Let's do it.

- I made this coffee for you. - Thank you, Kapil.

My jetlag was just kicking in.

How did you know?

I can give you a foot massage too.

- Should we leave? - You're persistent today.

Oh, no! Please leave.

Today, Priyanka is a global star,

but because you're Priyanka Chopra,

is there something you cannot do?

Actually, I have a lot of things like that in my twenties,

you know, the itch you get to do something mischievous.

I might not be able to do that anymore.

- What kind of mischief? - That's what I'm afraid to say.

Little things, like, you know...

Pranks or...

slipping a plate I like into my bag at dinners.

That's what I mean.

You're making me say it on an international platform like Netflix.

You're so blessed, Archana ji. She still does it.

- It all comes back to me. - When she served me tea at her house,

all the cups were from Netflix.

Sidhu paaji, you travel all the way from Amritsar, or Patiala.

Archana ji comes from Madh island.

I travel from Andheri to Goregaon, and that's tiring enough.

You fly from LA to Mumbai, Mumbai to London and from London back to LA.

Apart from my charm,

what is the other thing that keeps you motivated?

You travel a lot.

When I look at my bank balance

and see the zeros increasing, it keeps me motivated.

But, you know,

it's important we push ourselves.

If a person is not evolving, especially as an artist--

- Right. - Unlike you,

who has been hosting the same show, but...

Ever since this show started on Netflix,

it-- it has so much value.

The Indians who live abroad,

they watch your show,

they get to experience us and relate to the audience.

It's a sort of homecoming for them as well.

- Even I watch your show. - Seriously?

I do. I watch it when I'm there.

When I miss home, The Great Indian Kapil Show is my go-to!

How sweet, Priyanka! Amazing!

I want to know something.

- Yes? - Sorry, it's a very personal question.

But where did you and Nick meet the first time?

Did he deliver his message through a pigeon?

Not a pigeon, but the Twitter bird!

You guys met on Twitter?

He direct messaged me on Twitter, guys!

Well, you also had DM'd me there.

I missed it... by mistake.

Twitter really has made and broken lots of lives.

Right!

- Even I'm on Twitter. - Yes.

I got sued, she got whisked off!

But were you familiar with Nick's songs before this Twitter thing happened?

I knew of his songs

but wasn't too familiar with his music.

But then I watched a music video

where his shirt just gets ripped apart.

I said, "Well, guess we're going on a date now."

So you saw Nick in his entirety?

Yes, the whole package!

You guys must have noticed this.

In Hollywood, after she got married,

so far, she mostly did action roles

- and played detectives. - Right.

So is this a coincidence or after the marriage--

I have become a detective!

- No, seriously. - No, no.

It is a coincidence. I mean,

as they say, I look good with a gun in my hand.

So I keep getting cast with a gun in my hand.

As you know, nothing Priyanka does is small.

Everything she does is larger than life.

Now she's doing a film with Rajamouli sir.

And you know his films.

All big-budget films!

But after Priyanka joined this one, we heard the film's budget

rose to 1300 crores.

Yes.

So, is all of the 1,300 crore being used to make the film,

or are you providing jobs to people in Varanasi as well?

I mean, the budget rose after you joined the production.

Is that true? Since you're here, I wanted to confirm that.

Are you implying that half of it went into my bank account?

Look, it's pretty obvious.

So, you're trying to indirectly pin it on me.

What kind of film is it?

I mean, what is the plot exactly?

- Guess! - Rajamouli sir never revealed

why Kattappa killed Baahubali before the sequel came out.

You think he'd tell you the plot?

Who dare disturb us?

All hail Largemata! All hail Largemata!

All hail--

All hail Largemata! All hail Largemata!

Largemata--

Largemata--

Large-- Large-- Large! Large! Large!

Will you keep on exalting her?

I mean, her Highness!

- Friends, after six long years... - Yes.

...she has returned to the sultanate of Kapil.

Oh my!

Her acting prowess is talked of

beyond the Gupta, Sharma and Dubey empires,

reaching even Peter, John and Simon territory!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome...

Priyanka Chopra Jonas!

Thank you.

- What happened? - What's wrong, Rajmata?

We made so many supplications!

I prayed that the day you return,

I'd give away something warm to the poor during the winters.

- That's a great thought. - Just touch it.

- Just touch it, please. - Yes.

Just one blanket?

No.

- And it's torn! - Give it away.

This-- Hey! Hello!

You give blankets to the poor. What are you giving them?

What's that?

It works the same.

- How? - You could still get cold under a blanket.

But once this goes inside you...

- Nice! - Once this goes inside,

if you make the guy sleep on a slab of ice,

the ice will melt, but the man won't even flinch!

Forget all this, Largemata.

Please tell me if I should

address you as Priyanka Chopra or

PC.

Any name that you want to call me by

- I'll happily accept it. - May I tell you something?

You're beautiful when you're called Priyanka,

and equally stunning when you're called PC.

Thank you.

- The short forms... - Yes?

- aren't everybody's cup of tea. - Oh!

- Yes, exactly why I said it. - Hear me out.

Navjot Singh Sidhu is such a nice name.

Its short form goes as follows...

NSS.

Comes off as a government exam form that needs to be filled!

Archana Puran Singh is such a pretty name.

Now, APS...

seems like a tire company!

"APS Tire."

"With Kapil on every journey!"

- Well, PC ji, - Yes?

you'll be happy to know that our friend

Rajagoli ji has sent you a present.

- Oh, what is it? - What is it?

A priceless necklace!

Look!

- This is a broccoli! - Nope,

that is not important.

What's important is that it is green.

- Okay? - Rajagoli ji will use VFX

to make it a priceless necklace.

You know, Rajagoli ji loves VFX so much

that when he gets tired, he doesn't relax.

He VFXs!

Even Largemata for that matter doesn't wax.

She VFXs!

Your Rajmata's sideburns are peeking.

The Nawazuddin Siddiqui inside you is leaking out!

By the way, I had some gifts for our beautiful Desi Girl.

- Come. Please. - Oh, yes. Bring forth.

- I thought broccoli was it! - Yes.

- PC ji, since you've moved to America... - Yes.

what does one miss the most after going to America?

One's country's soil, air and water!

Did you wash your hands with that water?

Oh, no. It's panipuri water.

Right!

No matter where girls go, even if they go to the moon,

it is panipuri water they miss the most.

Agreed. Absolutely right.

But the country air that you've brought for me,

whose mouth did it come from?

That's a secret.

Good question!

- Can I say something, Priyanka ji? - Sure.

Just like you, I used to a desi girl.

Really? Then what changed?

She's still a desi girl through and through.

She bathes holding on to a buffalo's tail.

When have I ever hold your tail while bathing?

- What are you here for? - Time pass!

- I am bored with Bollywood now. - I see.

- I want to go to Hollywood. - Oh.

Wearing saris, governing and ruling-- I'm bored.

- Oh. - I also want to wear bikinis

in Baywatch and run after foreigners.

Must be done!

I want to romance the Rock.

- Of course. - She romance the Rock?

Trust me, once the wig is off, she herself looks like John Cena!

That's it. This is why I want to move to Hollywood,

why I want to work with the Rock

and why I want to work with Vin Diesel!

I can't go around with this diesel-powered man all my life!

- Largemata, you are forgetting... - What?

I know that I am exactly Priyanka ji's type.

- How? - Admit it, you like bald people.

Kancha Cheena from Agneepath.

- The Rock, Baywatch. - Correct! Correct.

If you look closely, from up here,

- I do look like the Rock. - Yes, you do.

Priyanka ji, he might look like the Rock from above

but from the neck down, he's an entire block!

A few days ago, he was standing on a street

- and caused a traffic jam there. - How?

Someone shoved a traffic signal in his navel!

You've heard of people oiling their navels?

You can fetch a pail of oil from his!

Oh, God!

You should take me to Hollywood.

Is that so? What do you want to do there?

I can do a lot. Can I demo King Kong for now live?

Yes, please.

- Ready? - Yes, ready.

Priyanka ji!

- Wow! - I think I'll go to Hollywood later.

I ought to drop him off at a zoo first.

Let's go.

Come on!

Bye, Kattappa!

I forgot how much we laugh on this show!

Priyanka, our Indian audience has become so witty

even since we have social media.

- Really? - I'll show you the proof.

We have some of your posts.

- Wait for the hilarious comments. - Oh God!

KOMMENTER'S KRAVING

Here we have the first picture of Priyanka

taken in Orlando, Florida.

- "Notice a theme here... it's ssssssubtle." - Subtle.

- I got it. - Priyanka, is this a real anaconda?

Yes. The snake's actually called a boa constrictor.

- Oh! - It constricts you.

- It constricts you! Squeezes you. - Squeezes you.

Anyone would love to squeeze you, I mean...

Let's check the comments.

- "Wow! Priyanka Cobra" - Cobra!

Another one.

"This photo reminds me of my wife."

"She also clings on to me like that."

Let's see another.

"Nick is thinking,

'She has the snake by its neck. What will become of me?'"

- Another one. - Nick was so distraught.

He wouldn't come near me.

I said, "Get a little closer. At least let me get a picture."

Let's see some more.

"My friends call me a snake. You can hug me, too."

- That sounds like you, Kapil. - You have written it, Kapil!

That was definitely you.

- All three of us are saying it. - How did you know?

Another one, please.

Priyanka in New York-- Oh, look behind her.

So many Priyankas in the mirrors.

I took that in a washroom. What could've people commented on it?

- Oh, you never know. - They don't spare anyone. Don't worry.

"What a class Priyanka is... She wears a tie even in the bathroom."

Really nice. Let's see another one.

"My name is Ravi Chopra, and my mother's name is Priyanka Chopra."

"Tomorrow, I have a parents-teacher meeting."

"My mom's visiting Granny."

"It would help me a lot if you could take her place."

So someone replied to the comment,

"Be honest, is that really you or is your father using your account?"

Show us more.

What a beautiful picture!

- "Happy Karwa Chauth and yes I'm filmy." - Oh, Karwa Chauth!

"A true Hindustani who promotes the customs and traditions of India."

Very nice!

Let's see another.

"Nick's ear is red."

"He was surely caught having samosas before they broke the fast."

- Let's see another. - That was a superb comment!

"Here's Nick renewing his life insurance."

That was superb!

Best one!

This was the best! Number one!

People are damn geniuses! Really!

That's a huge-- Such a beautiful picture.

"I was crowned Miss World at this arena 24 years ago..."

It's quite long. I'll give you the gist?

Yes. So what's it about?

Nick was performing in the O2 Arena,

and I didn't remember this then, but someone reminded me

that 24 years ago,

I was crowned the Miss World in the same arena.

- Wow! - So...

Let's take a look at the comments.

"According to research, a passionate kiss

can burn anywhere from five to twenty-six calories per minute,

as long as it is with your wife."

"If not, you could lose a lot more."

"My uncle even lost his head."

Let's see another one.

"Nick Jonas taking his bonus."

- That's a good one. - Another, please.

"At least you're kissing him."

"My wife comes this close to me only to sniff my mouth

to see if I had a drink."

Malti looks so cute!

She's hiding her face.

Yeah, she's like, "No..."

Priyanka, you enjoyed growing up in India.

Now Malti is growing up in the US.

Is there anything in India

that Malti would miss because she's not growing up here?

She travels to India often. She accompanied me to Hyderabad.

She has visited Mumbai and Delhi.

She's traveled all over India. She even visited Ayodhya with me.

I've tried my best to familiarize her with our culture and traditions

- as much as possible. - So beautiful.

Whenever she puts on a pair of ghagra-choli,

she calls herself as Indian princess.

She loves wearing ghagras and bindis.

I also get her bangles all the time.

Of course, the daughter of a queen would consider herself a princess.

Thank you.

We also have some fun questions from your fans.

Oh my!

They say you have Nick dress up in Indian attire often.

We've seen pictures of it on the internet.

Have you ever made him try Indian pickles?

It opens up all our seven chakras! Wakes you up!

Pickles do stimulate the taste buds.

I have, and he actually likes them a lot.

He loves them with Indian food

because we have all kinds of Indian pickles at home.

But imagine making an American...

- try a Hajmola. - Oh!

He had a Hajmola?

Seriously?

You don't have to say anything. We got it.

I have a drawer filled with aam papad, Hajmola,

and many tangy snacks at home.

Nick kept asking me what's in this drawer.

I told him, "It's better you stay away."

"This might be a bit beyond you."

But he always wants to know everything.

So I gave him a Hajmola.

It opened him up!

He's like, "Why does this smell like farts?"

What?!

If you had to give Nick a Punjabi nickname--

You know, many relatives, aunties, uncles and the kinds,

might find it difficult to say his full name, Nick Jonas.

So what Punjabi name would you give him?

My aunts, uncles, they all go, "Nickwa, Nicki,

- Nicku!" - Nicko!

- They already do that? - Yes.

One of my...

One day, he calls him "Nicker!"

Who was that?

Nicker?!

Poor Nick, what must he think?

These are people in my family who need a limit on their drinks.

"Nicker, come here!"

Have you shared with Nick things about our Indian spices--

For example, drinking fennel water cuts down bloating.

Have you tried these remedies with him?

Not that one particularly,

but the decoction we have when get sick here,

we always make that back home.

So Nick has the decoction and hot water no matter where he is.

- He knows that much. - Nice.

You're not just passing on the culture to the kids,

but you've also turned your husband into half an Indian.

Yeah, my mother-in-law sends me sargi for Karwa Chauth.

- Sargi? - Yes.

And when you explained to Nick why and how Karwa Chauth is celebrated,

- he must have been so happy. - Very happy! It's his favorite.

"Wow, you fast for my well-being."

It's his favorite holiday.

Now we've--

By now, we've looked for the moon in the strangest places.

Once, he was at a stadium somewhere.

There's a show going on. You cannot see the moon.

It's cloudy and about to rain.

He was performing for about sixty to seventy thousand people.

It's past eleven, but we couldn't see it.

- Oh. - This was a pretty romantic thing.

He flew me above the clouds in his plane

- and there... - Oh, my! That's amazing!

And there I broke my fast.

- Nice, right? - In the clouds?

In the clouds!

So is that all you did up there?

I had some sweets as well!

- Kapil... - Yes?

...you ask too many questions and talk a lot.

I get it, it's only natural, it's your show after all, but...

I have known you for so long. Can I ask you some questions?

- Why not? - Why not? Are you ready?

- Yeah. - I'll be the host.

Netflix, this is my audition.

- I hope I do a good job. - Oh my God!

You just say the word.

- You don't need to audition! - Amazing!

You're an actor, you've done movies. If you ever work in Hollywood,

would you prefer action or romance?

- I'll go for romance first. - Okay.

Then action. Because if I go for action first, I'll be exhausted.

Something you'd say to me when the cameras are off

but not on the show.

Well, there's something, but...

I can't say it on camera...

- Oh my. - ...or when the cameras are off.

Alright. Please zoom in on Kapil's face. Slow zoom.

- Say it! - Why so shy?

- Don't be shy. - That's right.

- No, I mean-- - No?

I'll tell you after the show.

- He won't. - Let's flip that then.

Tell me something you can say on the show but not off camera.

If a guest takes this long to answer,

- the show will run out of time. - He is trapped.

- No, I mean-- - He's trapped.

I-- Well, I do love you.

- I can say that on camera and off. - Dear me!

Priyanka's questions trap you!

- Alright, another question. - Yes.

- Let's say you wake up one morning... - Okay.

as Priyanka Chopra.

Don't let your mind stray...

- ...while you answer this one. - I wake up

- as Priyanka Chopra? - Yes.

I'll call Kapil Sharma first thing.

- What will you say? - To say,

"No matter what, you are my one true love."

That was what I couldn't say earlier.

I could admit it since I woke up as Priyanka Chopra.

- You had your wish! - I got it out one way or another.

I'm so scared of what she'll ask next.

You had your wish!

Priyanka, your fans want to chat with you.

You could ask her questions or make requests.

Yes, sir? Oh, they're matching.

- Wow, coordinated outfits! - Wow!

Yes, sir.

- Hello, Kapil sir. - Hello, sir.

- Hello, Priyanka ma'am. - Namaste.

- Hello, everyone. - Hello.

My name is Ravi Chothwani.

- I've come from Ulhasnagar. - Welcome to the show.

On your show, you always have new and--

- or beautiful heroines. - Yes.

And Sidhu paaji always has couplets ready for them.

- Yes. - So, it's a sincere wish,

my desire, that Sidhu paaji and Priyanka ma'am

dance together.

We want to see that too!

This is for the best!

We also want to see this.

This is a googly.

Sidhu paaji, please step up.

Priyanka, Sidhu paaji has never dance-- He's always so shy.

So, one of the world's best dancers paired

with the worst one!

- A recipe for disaster indeed! - Play a song right away.

Clap it up!

You killed it, paaji!

The credit goes to Priyanka.

Paaji was so shy. He kept looking down.

He was looking down.

But, sir, you lied. You can dance.

- No! - I saw the dancer that came out of you.

Give it up! Welcome, welcome!

I, Diamond Raja, joining Archana ji and Sidhu sahab,

proprietor of Chak Chak Dhoom band from Jamnapaar.

The number one orchestra band in Jamnapaar, friends!

- I, Diamond Raja, welcome you all. - Well said!

Not from the rivers of Hollywood or the mountains...

Nice.

Not from the rivers of Hollywood or their mountains...

Your love and affection drew me here all the way from Jamnapaar!

Wow!

Some might think this is inspired from the Hollywood sign. No.

No, no. This is a direct copy, my friends.

What's this fragrance packed with pure charm?

This fragrance--

- From here? - Oh, Priyanka Chopra!

- Hello! - How are you?

Come here.

So fortunate...

is the lipstick adorning your lips.

Dear me!

So fortunate is the nail polish on your nails.

Oh my!

So fortunate is the lettuce--

- the little piece stuck in your teeth. - Oh, God!

Nonsense! Look at her! There's no lettuce in her teeth.

- I can't look at her. - Why?

You're the one we can't look at.

I can't look at her, Sidhu ji. I might lose control.

- Oh, wow! - You'll be fine.

People in 192 countries are watching her. You can, too.

I cannot handle it. Kapil, let it be. Don't force me.

Just look at her.

- Just look at her. Not a big deal. - Go on.

What happened?

Sir, are you alright?

Ask her to ask me that.

Ask her, yes, to ask me that.

What happened?

That'll kill him!

He can't get up.

- Are you okay? - Oh, no!

Mister?

I hope you're dead?

I mean, are you all right?

You want an ointment--

What's triggering this song? Is there a button here?

- How are you? - He's looking for a button.

Well, I certainly liked that.

- I cannot be looking into your eyes. - Okay.

Your eyes can give anyone a high.

I've heard that before.

But I want to tell you something.

- Priyanka ji, in life... - Yes?

...many laptops come and go,

Laptops?

but...

no one can hold a candle to PC.

- You're right. - Diamond Raja sahab.

You came up with the two-bit pickup lines,

but do you know she's married?

Nobody told me that.

So, this is Diamond Raja.

Proprietor of Chak Chak Dhoom orchestra band.

- Contact me for parties. - I will. Thank you so much.

- Please have a seat. - Sure.

- Make yourself at home. - Why not!

- So you're married? - Yes.

- Seven years ago. - Okay.

- What's your husband's name? - Nick Jonas.

What's the full name? It's a nickname.

Nick--

Nick!

Good question. His actual name is Nicholas Jerry Jonas.

What is it?

Nicholas Jerry Jonas.

- He's from Hollywood, America. - So he is a US-tani.

US-tani!

- US-tani. - I get plenty of Hollywood offers.

- Yes? - But...

Not your type?

- Is that a bit too much? - Why not?

Why? What did they do?

- I don't understand them. - You don't?

I just don't get it.

When you act, it should show.

Or you aren't serious about your craft.

They get real. They don't act.

How is it acting if you can't tell he's acting?

- Or it becomes real. - Correct.

If it's too natural, it's not acting.

Since you're supposed to act-- It's work.

Take Marlon Brando in The Godfather.

- Right? - Brando!

"I'll give you an offer you cannot refuse..."

I mean, that's just real.

- Correct. - Acting should be like...

"Bheema is finally out of jail!" That's acting.

They're paying you for it.

It's your bread and butter. Where's the due diligence?

You should conduct an acting workshop with me.

Sure. Repeat after me, "Bheema is finally out of jail!"

Bheema is finally out of jail!

- Now this is acting. - Wow, yes.

I'm a good student. Anything else?

This natural delivery of dialogue is no fun.

What else is stopping you?

Not much, but in Hollywood...

I got another email from Hollywood, but I said...

- I see. - No way.

I can't. Over there...

- Yes? - ...I can't do their kissing scenes.

They won't ask you. Even your wife doesn't kiss you.

Hollywood directors dole out kissing scenes

as if giving away blankets to the poor during winters.

"A kissing scene for my heroine. One for the hero."

"You're the villain? You get one too."

The guy's in the hospital,

a girl walks in, takes off his oxygen mask and kisses him.

Does the girl have more oxygen than oxygen cylinders?

She's kissing him when he's about to die.

You could've waited a month.

If he makes it, you can kiss him all you want. Don't kill him now.

- You're right. - In this one movie,

the whole world is on fire,

but Spider-Man's kissing a girl hanging upside down.

Makes no sense.

Spiderman gets his kiss while the world goes to hell!

Right? He could've saved two people in the same time.

- I cannot do that. - You're right.

So I turned them down.

So, everything fine with you?

- Yes, everything's fine. - Okay.

- You know, I have a show on the 31st. - Okay.

So, I want...

- You want? - ...you to be there.

Don't think I come empty-handed.

Here's a check for the advance.

Fifty-one hundred rupees.

- Fifty-one hundred! - You are a top actor.

I have never paid anyone that much money.

Okay?

Seriously. You're the highest-paid Bollywood actor.

So we gave you our best offer.

Okay?

Food, drinks, and travel are on the house.

- I see. - You get window seat in the front.

In first class?

No, in the Sumo.

We'll get there in a Sumo.

It's the best seat in the car, gets a lot of breeze.

What would I be doing?

You will be singing a duet with me on New Year's Eve.

- Okay. - Only if you agree.

I have a band. Come on, let's have a practice session.

My friends, give it up for her!

I'll give you a starting kit.

- Okay. - Pappu, medium silver, gold...

PC. One piece.

Wow!

Oh, my God!

- This is your... - Oh, my God!

- P and C. - It's a jacket.

Oh, wow!

- This is for you. - Custom? Wow!

- Like this! - That will do!

PC!

PC.

- It looks really nice, actually. - I like it.

- It's working? I like it. - It's looking really nice.

Friends, from Bollywood and Hollywood

straight to Jamnapaar!

How is your English?

It's okay. Workable.

That's all we want.

- As per your requirement. - Fine.

Here's a song. Presenting to you! Priyanka Chopra!

One...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve!

A dozen.

We'll play music all night

We'll play music all night

Honey, dance slowly

Baby, dance slowly, slowly!

Baby, dance slowly, slowly!

Baby, dance slowly, slowly! Baby, dance slowly, slowly!

The party will go on all night Honey, drink slowly

Baby, drink slowly, slowly Baby, drink slowly, slowly

Many twists and turns on the road

Many twists and turns on the road Honey, drive slowly

Baby, drive slowly, slowly Drive slowly, slowly

As we inch closer to midnight Start the countdown slowly

Countdown, but slowly, slowly

Baby, dance slowly, slowly Baby, dance slowly, slowly

Baby, dance slowly, slowly Baby, dance slowly, slowly

Give it up!

It's time for the countdown!

Nine, eight, seven, six, five... four!

But slowly, slowly!

But slowly, slowly

- Happy New Year, everyone! - Happy New Year!

Give it up for Priyanka Chopra!

A very happy New Year!

Merry Christmas! And thus begins season four!

Yay!

With Priyanka Chopra!

This song is quite a banger.

Baby, but slowly, slowly! Baby, but slowly, slowly!

Baby, but slowly, slowly! Baby, but slowly, slowly!

Your husband is also in a band, right?

Yes.

You sure do have a type!

- Can I keep this jacket? - Please. This is yours.

- All yours. - Thank you.

Thank you, my friends. One, two! One, two!

Please give it up for Priyanka Chopra!

I want to say something. All of you know

that PC is an actor,

and she sang so well.

You just read the lyrics, but you sang so well.

- You are a magician, PC. - Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

- You're a sweetheart. - Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much for coming.

PC, before you leave, do you have anything to say to your fans?

The New Year's also coming up.

I just want to say

that we live in a strange, unpredictable world

with all kinds of people.

A lot of negativity on social media. So choose kindness.

Please treat everyone around you well.

Make them laugh.

This is the most important thing.

My friends, we've begun season four

with this blockbuster episode.

We'll be back next week with another one of our favorite stars.

Until then, keep watching The Great Indian Kapil Show.

Every Funnyday for a fresh dose of fun! Good night.

Thank you so much!

Let's welcome the World Cup-winning team!

They went to meet the Prime Minister, they wore their uniforms.

But for this show,

they chose their best party outfits.

I've been getting so many messages,

"Since the whole team's coming on the show,

please share our marriage proposals with them."

I haven't received any.

Renuka, weren't you reading those messages?

She asked me "Is this one good?"

When they went to meet the Prime Minister,

she said, "Prime Minister sahab, what cream do you use on your face?"

You know, your navel's big enough to host a kids cricket match.

He's always looking at the basketball.

"The way women cheerlead in men's cricket,

I want men to cheerlead in women's cricket."

But it's the audience who enjoys it.

Also the ones who watch it on TV.

Even for them, women are better.

All hail Pramod and Bittu!

People on social media are calling you Shah Rukh Khan from Chak De!

- Not the "Chak De!" one. - Sir is lying.

He changed his name.

He was Amol Muzumdar. He became Kabir Muzumdar.

Where are you going?