Original subtitles

All actors who smoked during the making of this film have become impotent

Smoking is hazardous to your health

WHITE MIRROR FILM COMPANY

presents

Yana TROYANOVA

Yuriy KUTSENKO

Andrey ILENKOV

Aleksandr BASHIROV

Evgeniy TSYGANOV

Vladimir SIMONOV

Inna CHURIKOVA

Svetlana KAMYNINA

Yuliya SNIGIR

Alisa KHAZANOVA

Darya EKAMASOVA

Evgeny ROIZMAN

Makeup: Elena MAMEDOVA

Costumes: Nadezhda VASILEVA

Artist: Anton POLIKARPOV

Sound: Vladimir GOLOVNITSKIY

Editing: Dasha DANILOVA

Camera: Dmitriy ULYUKAEV

Screenplay: Vasiliy SIGAREV and Andrey ILENKOV

Producer: Sofiko KIKNAVELIDZE

Director: Vasiliy SIGAREV

THE LAND OF OZ

We wait here

Here's the plan

I ring the bell, act like nothing happened, and drag him into the stairwell

and then we rough him up

We should have grabbed some metal pipes...

Maybe we can just shit on his doormat?

What, too generous?

That could be part of their holiday tradition

how they wish each other a Happy New Year in Greece

They say that's where homos come from

Nothing would surprise me after last night

You know all those clams on their statues? That's no fucking Greek mythology

Squandered such a great culture, those cocksuckers

Let's do it Russian style and whoop his heathen ass

Right, I'm going in. If need be, jump in and rip off his dreads

What's dreads?

His shaggy hair

Hey, I drank this wine at the company party called Chablis

Dry, but tasty as fuck. Try it some time...

Plan B

Open up, Zorba the Nose!

Prepare to die!

Na kseskis to kolo sou!

Open up, you puss-filled poiustis!

Or I'll shit you a gift on your doorstep!

Call an ambulance

Auntie Lyuba, we've got an emergency

Where at?

Ira bro...ke h... tailbone...

What chicken?

Ira

Who's this?

It's me - Lena

Why didn't your number show up?

- Who? - Lena

- Lena, is that you? - Yeah

Why d... your numb... show up? Where ...re you?

Ira bro...ke h... t...bone...

So what? You expect me to top up your phone?

Why are you calling me, you shithead?

Got ...uckall better to do? You bored, you little sh...?

Not enough ass kicking in prison?

Go fuck a stick till you choke on it, you ...ucktard!

Auntie Lyuba, this is Lena

Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit!

- Lena, is that you? - Yeah

Some con artist called me from prison

Even hid his number, the smartass... Where are you?

Auntie Lyuba, how do I get to the kiosk?

- Where are you? - At the hospital

- Doing what? - Ira broke her tailbone

Tell you what, Lena...

Go fuck yourself too

Hand over the cash!

Duke! I almost shat myself. What brings you here?

- 'Sup, baldie! Told you you'd go bald - When?

Back in the army. Remember?

Let me in

You know Torforezov Street?

What would it cost? I have 150...

Happy New Year, by the way

My sister broke her tailbone

So, shall we start celebrating?

We'll get to it later

Let's start with the bestseller

Gimme Marlboro reds

- Get lost, pipsqueak! - Come on...

- When's your shift over? - It's actually over already

Get lost, I said

It doesn't seem to be over

Some Lena is supposed to come. She's new. Still not here

Huh?

Left!

What?

Why not right?

As in, a turn?

They got both...

Are you talking on the phone?

Is there another right?

I don't know

Let me dial...

Expired...

Hey...

I want a Snickers bar

Can I get out?

Hey...

We've arrived. Thanks

Why aren't you freaking steering?

What the hell! Hold the wheel, please...

Steer!

Are you crazy or something?

Where are you celebrating the New Year?

I'll probably go to my parents'

Maybe let your folks rest up, while we hit up some female dorms...

Pick up some pussy?

I don't know...

So...

Sex is usually seen as the way of proliferating the species

which is the end-goal it pursues

This in fact is a fallacy

as the reproduction of living beings can be achieved without sex

This, for one, is clear already from the absence of gender in some species

Significant numbers in both the vegetable and the animal kingdoms reproduce asexually:

by way of splitting, parthenogenesis, spores and grafting

The higher the creature's standing in the evolutionary hierarchy, the more it wants to fuck

The sociability of those creatures also increases

Humans are the most social and fuck-happy

Meaning that they're at it all year round

Now here's the thing: one inserts his penis into the other

The one being penetrated is insulted and humiliated. Simple as that

Take feminists: that's the essence of their problem with men

but their revenge won't work

because women can destroy men, but they can't give them a good fucking

Without a cock, there's no revenge

There's a strap-on for that

Never heard of it... and I don't care!

Sure, fucking leads to childbirth, but not all the time

As in, not necessarily. But fucking is necessary

- What does that tell you? - What?

If children are born from humiliation, then humiliation is the core of life

What did you think?

For instance, at this very moment

some chick you've never met is fucking you over

And you didn't even call your boss to put a stop to this bullshit

What is that if not humiliation?

Miss, are you okay?

You okay?

- It's freezing. Can I give you a ride? - One junkie already did

Miss, I happen to be the mayor

Why not the president?

Well, Happy New Year to you too

A buddy of mine wants his wife to defecate on him

But she refuses

Your buddy is a pervert, and he's better off dead

Much better

"STAFF ONLY. Mayor of Ice Town, Nazif Bagayev"

Hi there

I'm Roman

Hi there

Want some champagne?

- Not celebrating at home? - I've got to work

- What's your surname? - What?

What's your surname?

- Why do you ask? - To get acquainted

Let's say it's Lena Shabadinova

- Come on, fuck that - Why?

Let's go to the top

It's not a Tatar surname

And what's your surname?

Shabadinova

Happy New Year, Shabadinova!

And what's your surname?

Happy New Year, Shabadinova

Chin-chin

- Some whiskey? - Champagne's better

My sister broke her tailbone

Drink, Shabadinova

Where do you work, Shabadinova?

On Torforezov Street

Doing what?

I haven't started yet... But in a kiosk, let's say

- Come on, fuck that - Why?

- Let's go - To Torforezov Street?

Down the slide

Hey, easy!

Shabadinova, let's wrestle! Chokehold!

If it hurts, signal!

Submission lock!

Shabadinova, signal if it hurts!

Achilles!

Signal, Shabadinova!

I'm signaling!

- Where? - Right here!

- Signal by tapping on me! - You didn't say so

Were you born yesterday?

Dyudya

Let's go buy some fireworks

- I have to get to work - Shabadinova!

Let me teach you to put out cigarettes on your tongue

Where is that cow?

Probably passed out in a ditch somewhere pissing herself

- Is she an alky? - I've never met her

I think she's fucked you over, Andrey

Yeah...

Maybe...

Shabadinova, these are called Hiroshima. Good enough?

Let's go set one off

Shabadinova, where do they make people like you?

What people like me?

Special people like you

In the town of Malaya Lala

Is that Tatarstan?

I have a Russian surname, actually

That's cool. Just kidding

Okay, wait here

Shabadinova...

Does your tongue hurt?

No

Want to learn to walk on hot coals?

Like, now?

Shabadinova... Happy New Year!

- You can't do that - Why the fuck not?

That Kerosena of yours just killed a guy!

- Lady, I haven't sold you anything - No, it was him who bought it

Lady, I didn't sell anything to anyone. We're closed. It's New Year. Get out

- Get out! - At least call someone...

I'm not calling anyone. Out!

- Come on, lady - His legs are ripped off

And what am I supposed to do?

What's the name?

Whose?

The doggie's

Tyutya

Tyutya

A purebred?

I don't know

I suggest all three of us go get something sweet

What do you say?

Young lady?

I'd love to treat you to some dessert

By the way, I write decent poetry... and music...

I'm a bard

Whatever you say, I consider New Year's Eve a philistine and unspiritual holiday

Same as birthdays

How do you like my hat, Lena?

A good friend of mine gave it to me... apropos of my birthday, in fact

He had a divine voice

But he's no longer with us

What's your take on the Internet?

It's okay

Me, I'm an addict... Whenever they shut it off, I go into a meltdown

So where can I find you?

I'm here

Meaning?

In your apartment

No, I mean social networks. Do you have any accounts?

Like, My Space?

No, I mean something proper, like Twitter or Facebook

I don't have a computer

What do you mean?

I don't need one. I'm busy as it is

Lena...

What?

If you tell me that you've heard nothing about Navalny, I... I'll just drop dead

Tell me you've heard of him...

Let's say I haven't

Oh my god! They exist! They're still among us!

I never believed it! I didn't

Just a sec...

Lena, do you know what Yandex is?

Oh, oops... One second...

Come on now... go away...

Right, this is Yandex. It's a search engine

You can use it to find all sorts of information

For example... for example...

Where's Torforezov Street?

For example, where... Torforezov... Street is

What the hell?

What's this, huh? They're trying to screw up my date

They must all be wasted already, the fuckers

Well, since the Internet is down anyway

why don't we watch a music video I made?

What do you say?

Okay

This is not my song or my singing, but it's a rare case...

...where I take my hat off to the artists

But the visuals are by yours truly

"All of our meetings are destined to end at some time

Quiet and sad is a stream near a big amber pine

Ash covers campfire's coals, and sad dusk ends the day

This is the end, say goodbye, and we're going away

My sweet darling girl, sunshine of the forest

Will we meet again in this endless story?

My sweet darling girl, sunshine of the forest

Will we meet again in this endless story?

Tents fold their wings back, today they have ended their flight

A plane spreads it's wings, taking me into the night

And, very slowly, the ramp backs away from the plane

We're separated by miles of uncharted terrain

My sweet darling girl, sunshine of the forest

Will we meet again in this endless story?

Friends, don't try to console me with words sweeter than wine

I need to find that small stream near a big amber pine

What if the fire is blinking again..."

Lena...

How do you feel about...

...tantric sex?

Stephen King can go on up to 7...

Up to 7 a.m.?

Up to 7 hours in a row

Lena...

Do you want an unforgettable experience?

My sister broke her tailbone

Here... Lena... my love...

Here... wait a second...

Just like this, wait-wait-wait...

Just like this... Here...

Here's a spoon for you...

- A little spoon - Yeah

Oh, good... But it's a teaspoon

Lift it higher. Black caviar tastes better when you eat it...

eat it... with a tablespoon!

Go on, go on

Don't mind if I do... have some caviar

So, André, my good sir...

I must tell you in all frankness...

...that I would give up half of my estate...

...just to posess a small fraction...

...of your God-given endowment

- You’re too kind - Cheers

This is a truly great man!

By a stroke of luck, we were blessed

with the incredible honor of speaking with him

and perhaps even the great fortune of relishing such conversation

and ushering in the New Year in his presence

You’re too kind

Being a man of the cloth, I deem your gift to be God-given

You’re too kind

As one artist to another, I'll be honest with you...

I don't like your work

- Drishka! - You’re too kind

I keep reading them on and on...

Don't get me wrong, you write superbly... but what for?

- Drishka! - Tell them!

Oh, how I envy you! You are yet to experience Andrey's talent

All right then

Let's feast a little while longer and then beddy-byes till the New Year

Mikhail, please show Andrey to his chambers

Thank you kindly

André...

André...

Déféquer sur moi

- Mon cher... - What?

Andrey, would you be so obliging...

...as to kindly defecate on me, my dearest

Where do you take a shit around here?

- At home - Is there a cafe nearby?

No

What am I supposed to do? Got a bucket?

Nope

Fucking hell!

I'm not joking!

Tyutya, stay in the room

Come here

- Say what? - Come to the window

- Is this yours? - Kind of

- Can I read it? - Go ahead

Tyutya...

Tyutya, no!

Andrey

- This is upsetting - Why?

Just listen to what you wrote here:

"One famous author, a great artist in words and action, married

a young lady, beautiful and refined to the utmost, almost unearthly, degree

Just as any true artist, he was not quite of this world

He conducted himself before her almost as an ethereal sublime spirit

He ate in front of her very little

and indirectly suggested that defecation was out of the question

And although they fucked keenly and profusely

he continued to eat very little after marriage and became quite depleted

Note that his delicate young wife pooped nevertheless

Truth be told, so did he, but only on neutral territory:

in theaters, at presentations, at work and in friends' apartments

and even then, he did so nervously, in haste and often standing

So?

Andrey, are you seriously so obsessed with shit?

- That's not what it's about - What, then?

Human nature

So according to you, human nature lies in fucking and shitting?

What about courage, sacrifice, neighborly love and the love of nature?

And for one's motherland, for that matter?

Are those values no longer valid?

Whatever, Duke. Give it back

Looks like you lost your first battle with censorship

Here's a hand grenade!

Lena...

I'm finished...

I'm dead meat

Lena, please do something...

- Who is it? - My wife...

And Marusya, and my mother-in-law...

They said they'd be back tomorrow... This is the end of me

Scumbag... I'm such a scumbag... Piece of shit!

Paberdin!

Is he asleep?

Are you asleep?

Yeah... I'm sleeping...

Alexey, open up. Marusya needs the toilet

Just go to the neighbors...

That's my shit luck!

Nothing even happened. I didn't even try...

Lena, if need be... you'll back me up, right?

But will they ever believe me?

Lena, think of something!

O Lord, save me... Have mercy, O Lord ...

Lord...

They must have gone out to look at the windows

Where's your coat?

There

Let's go. Just be quiet

Just in case, you came from apartment 95

O Lord, save me...

Paberdin, you fucking asshole, I know you're in there!

Open up!

Open up, I've called the firefighers

Is that you barking, you bald prick? Open up!

Alexey, please open the door!

Open up, Marusya is hungry

Daddy, I need to poop

Paberdin, I know you're there with some slut

You hear me, you whore? Has he given you any STDs yet?

He's got vaginal fungus on his head

Take off that faggot hat of his and take a look!

You whoring shit. The firefighers are on the way

Don't swear in front of the kid. Alexey! Open up!

Maybe someone killed him...

Who the fuck needs him?

Lena dear, could you maybe leave through the balcony?

It's not high. I beg you, have pity on me!

Don't wreck my family. Spare me, Lena

I bet she's not kidding about the firefighters

Huh, Lena...?

- How will it work? - Just climb down the balconies

Alright

My dear Lena! Oh, Lord... O God, please save me

Save me from this plight

Just be quiet

- What about Tyutya? - I'll lower her on a rope. Come on

- It's too high up... - Lena, I beg you, be quiet...

My sister just broke her tailbone like that

Lena, please...

- I don't think I can - Lena, I beg you! On my knees!

Shit...

Don't push me, damnit...

Ok, ok, nice and easy... Nice and quiet

- And now what? - Just jump. There's a snow bank

- Are you crazy? - Lena, don't come back in. Go!

Help! I'm being robbed! People, help! Police!

Lena!

Here's your doggy

"...According to the report, flaming debris from fireworks

landed on the 6th floor balcony at 125 Furmanova St., resulting in a fire

A festive spark set a clothesline ablaze

as well as other flammables that people usually keep on their balconies in winter..."

I was wondering... whose shift is it today?

Mine

How so?

I work every other day. There are only two of us

What if the chick whose shift was yesterday is MIA on a bender?

If you work every other day, whose shift is it tomorrow?

That's something no one knows...

Good heavens, who are you?

Were you on the job?

So why did they lock you out here on the balcony?

Were they drunk?

Did they beat you?

Come inside. Come in

So you don't even take holidays off?

Don't be embarrassed

I see it this way: not every prostitute is a whore

I'll tell you who the real whores are:

The LDPR political party

Let me tell you! You'll never find filthier whores

Want some dumplings?

Don't be shy. You were freezing out there. They're almost done

Listen...

You taking your dog with you to work - is it a fashion accessory?

I see all these girls out there with tiny dogs

Are all of those girls... from your line of work?

It's not my dog

They hand those out to you?

Its owner went missing

So how much do you make?

They promised me 15,000

A day?

No, a month

Oh, so little

Back home, I was making 7,000. But living is more expensive here

- Where's home? - Malaya Lala

Never heard of it. Why did you leave?

For a better life?

Well, yeah... My husband beat me

Sounds like here. I too have me four boxers

My sister broke her tailbone

Oh dear...

Listen, do you need good-quality makeup for work?

I'm a sales rep. Gotta feed the family. My man's retired. A good brand, Avon

Almost French

Yes? I'll bring it over. You can pick something out

Have some dumplings, and I'll go get it

There

Eat up

Tyutya, it's too hot for you

Too hot

Take a look. Maybe you'll like something. The prices are pretty modest

Got some lipstick, eye shadow, concealer. Dig around

Mom!

Hello. Do you know where Torforezov Street is?

Mom, who's this?

She came to buy some makeup

- What, you like her? - You're feeding her dumplings?

- Are you sure she won't burst? - She won't

Mom, get me some beer already!

Shush! Shut your trap

I'd fuck you

Mom, where's the cake?

Here it is

I'm not there. I'm on the couch! Get me some cake!

So, did you find anything?

Ah... eye shadow

Just a second... Let me see the price

Hey, what the hell? What's going on? Hey!

Oh dear... The Internet must be down again

Hey, what the...

Where did it go? Fucking hell...

Mom... Mom, where's my tank?

- Who? - My tank!

- How would I know? - Well, find out!

- Call them! - Call who?

- You know - Who?

How the fuck would I know who you call about the Internet?

They hijacked my tank!

- Tank... What tank, Vitya? - In the game! Call them!

Who am I going to call, the police?

I don't care, just call! Are you fucking dumb? They took my tank!

Come on, you're not a baby. They must've needed it if they took it

- For fun - What fucking fun?!

Are you a total moron? The faggots took my tank!

- Just play with a different CD? - It's not a CD!

I saved up for it for a year, you moron! It was an IS-7!

- Look around. Maybe it just got misplaced... - It's not fucking there! Call them!

Son, pipe down

Get me my tank back, or I'll smash this place up!

You can't talk to your mom...

Vitya!

And she's out

Hey, bro, do you have a Shabadinova working here?

Nobody's working here, it's New Year's Day

What's with your noggin, dude? Been in the wars?

A run-in with defective fireworks

- Are there other kiosks around? - Nah, I don't know. Go look

Why do you ask?

She's got my dog

Want a beer?

Nah, I've got my own booze

Does she definitely not work here? She's a bit... weird

We've also been waiting for some weirdo since yesterday

Yeah? What's she look like?

Like a yeti - no one has seen her, but everyone knows about her

Can I put a flyer up here?

Okay, just don't cover the goods

Let me see

Why do you have a girly dog?

It was my wife's

Why didn't she take it with her?

She died

Should've fucking buried them together, like in the olden days

Duke!

Ever since I got hit on the head with a rail I haven't been too steady under blows

He fucking jumped me with such sudden treachery

I didn't stand a chance

Otherwise, I'd be wearing his ear as a pendant

Fucking faggot

- You remember his face? - Kinda...

- Would you recognize him? - I would

He's a fucking dead man, that's all I gotta say

I saw your missing dog flyer... I have the dog

What dog?

This one

So what?

Can you call that number? My phone is busted

- No can do - Is it so hard?

Yeah, it is. I don't know that number

Maybe you'll stick me with some paid ringtone

- Idiot... - Dumb cow!

Do you have a phone?

How do I dial?

Get on!

- Where? - On top of me

I'm 100 kilos

Shove your 100 kilos up your hole. Get on!

- With both feet! - You're crunching

Get on!

- Jump! - Duke, what the hell?

Jump!

Come on!

Fuck...

Where did you find that dog, princess?

It's not mine

It's her snack

Did you make that fur collar out of the other one?

Ha ha

Look, she still has all of her teeth

So, princess, are you new to hooking?

Princess, are you going to answer?

- Hey, princess... - No answer...

Here

Let's give her a crown

Princess...

Get it on video

Achilles!

Please don't break it, okay?

Can I make a call from your phone?

Who said you could make calls?

They did

Put it away

So, snow maidens, ready to earn your freedom?

I got you a present. Lie down on the floor

- Why? - She agreed to crap on you

Duke, go to hell

Lie down. Don't shy away from your fantasies

Take off your thermals!

It's dirty here

You're no royalty. Prepare that shit dispenser

- Eat well last night? - I had some salad

Hear that, Andrey?

You're about to get a fucking festive dose of it

Lie down on the couch to make it more romantic

Duke, fuck off

He's playing hard to get. Douse him with last night's menu

Excuse me?

- Did you have caviar? - Yes

- Red? Or black? - Both

And the fur coat?

I'll take it off

What's going on here?

Shabadinova...

Why did you take an iPhone from a little boy?

To call you...

Why did you beat up the prostitutes?

I didn't beat up any prostitutes

I beat up a Snow Maiden

And then took her phone, too

Do you marinade them or what?

I was trying to call you...

And why are you all grubby? Even Dyudya doesn't look ladylike anymore

Speak for yourself

Your face is all singed

That Hiroshima was a dud

Well, Shabadinova...

Shall we get you two washed up?

"Yuri, pal, you ain’t no cosmonaut..."

- Let's cross over there? - Shut up!

"...You’re a shriveled dick tip and an alconaut

You’re a swine and a rake

A shitting scumbag, a snake

You don’t give a shit about Sputnik

And Buran can go suck a dick

So fuck you, you moron, you’re a joke

You think Cosmos is something to smoke

Remember Yuri Gagarin? He was fucking cool

And nothing like you, you fucking fool..."

- Shabadinova - Huh?

Let's go

I don't think I'll be coming in

Shabadinova, why be a poop stain?

I'm going back to Malaya Lala. Can you lend me money for a bus?

No

Fine, I'll ask Ira

You'll go tomorrow. Come on in

Why should I?

To wash

I'm clean

That, Shabadinova, is a bold-faced lie

I'm not coming in

Even Dyudya's asking you

I'm not coming

Suit yourself, Shabadinova

Let's at least go have a smoke on the balcony

But I don't smoke

I do

Fine, let's go

So why are you, Shabadinova, going back to Lala?

Well... I couldn't make a life for myself here

How long have you been here?

A week

Yeah, that's a while

Why did you move here?

Just because...

Shabadinova, why couldn't you make a life for yourself here?

I'm not good at living

Go to hell

I'm going...

Shabadinova, what the...?!

Hey!

You fuckers!

You fuckers!

- It's not a real gun - You fuckers!

- Just firing some fireworks, bro - You fuckers!

It's not a real gun, bro...

Shabadinova, go to hell!

Duke, what the hell?

Let me suck your cock

Gimme your cock...

Cock...

- I am the Wicked Witch - Duke, go to sleep

I am the Wicked Witch of the West!

I am the Wicked Witch. I'm going to kill you!

Wicked Witch, I've got water here!

I am the Wicked Witch...

- I'll splash you! - So fucking what?

You'll die...

- You shitting me? - Water kills wicked witches

Go fuck yourself

God damnit, Duke!

...ring around the rosie, a pocket full of... spears!

Duke!

Where's the kiosk?

- In the land of Oz - Where?

Up your ass

Do you know where Torforezov Street is?

Shabadinova!

Shabadinova...

Remember me?

What about Dyudya?

Lena, I'm here

Shabadinova, remember you were begging to marry me?

No wonder: half of your brain spilled out

Shabadinova, where did you get hepatitis from?

That's the kind of disease hobos get. You don't wash your cooch?

They made me plaster underpants

so I can't sit down

Shabadinova

I wrote a song about you

Listen

Milky smoke - I dissolve in its cloak

I float in air streams, like a breath of time

Vapor-like, we waltz around and round

We're at this lovestruck ball where other couples twirl

Through life I rambled with no compass

But I got lucky after all

As soon as I turned into vapor

I found myself, I knew the world

The day is destined to fade

The night always turns into day

Where love defeats the pain

There, you and I can be revived. Or we can just slip by... again

Again

Again

Shut up, you fucking troubadours

Silence!

There's no death. There's chorus and there's verse

All part of this weird song about this life

Through life you rambled with no compass

But you got lucky after all

As soon as you turned into vapor

You found yourself, you knew the world

The day is destined to fade

The night always turns into day

Where love defeats the pain

There, I can be revived. Or we can just slip by... again

Again

Again

Milky smoke - I race under its cloak

Up to the speed of light, out to the end of day

In the end, I spiral out of sight

Soar through the stratosphere

Hoping to find you there...

Translation and subtitles by Eclectic Translations