Original subtitles

You know what sucks about getting married to you?

I can't think of a thing.

I can think of so many things.

You were such a ho-bag, that I always feel

like I'm 50 feet away from some young hoochie you've slept with.

That's ridiculous.

Hey, girls, it's Grayson!

Gray-Gray?

Oh, my God!

I hardly recognised you outside the club.

Break it down. Dancing on the bar. Yeah.

In the club. Yeah, baby, take it down.

What are we doing?

Holly, this is my fiancée, Jules, and her scary, judgemental friend.

Hi.

He and I used to hook up, like, really hard.

Awesome.

We should really catch up.

Yeah.

Hey, did I leave anything at your place?

Your dignity?

Any time girls left stuff, I just put it in here.

Wait. You have a lost-and-found bang box?

That's disgusting.

Dibs on these sunglasses.

Yeah. I am totally taking these scrunchies, and this brownie pan!

Yeah, she gave me treats. And made me brownies.

There are a lot of crosses

considering all these girls gave it up for a dumb bartender.

These are anti-psychotic drugs.

I should probably get those back to her before she gets all,

"Gonna go around with a..."

What the...

This is my bra.

Right.

I always forget that we hooked up.

Look, was not the worst sex of my life, but...

Sweetie, save that for my wedding toast.

Duly noted.

Look, I don't mind helping you put your wetsuit on every day.

Well, okay, I do.

I mean, it's weird you don't wear anything underneath.

That's how I roll, dude.

Please don't go surfing. I miss our morning time.

Maybe you should stay home and ride these waves.

You sleep with that.

I sleep near that.

I surf 'cause I need some alone time.

This little cul-de-sac crew does everything together.

That's not true.

Yesterday, I took a shower without talking to you on speakerphone.

- And? - It was horrible.

Gray-Gray, we should head out soon.

We are not married, but we have to go to marriage counselling? Why?

'Cause I love me some therapy.

I'm good at it.

Paying other people to listen to your problems?

You know, marriage counselling before a marriage does feel a little backwards.

I don't wanna enter into this with any baggage.

My last marriage didn't have a chance.

I was pregnant, I dropped out of school,

Bobby was sleeping with Kathy Valero, our weather lady.

From News Channel Seven?

I know. How cool is that?

News on seven We got the news!

He skipped my birthday to go have sex with her.

No way! E-Street?

Let's hang, girl.

Ellie?

I wanna start our marriage baggage-free,

but this one here's got a bang-box.

- You know what I think? - Look, that part of my life is over.

Can we just please move on?

Well, I'm not sure we're ready to move on.

Okay, we can move on.

Did you just signal her?

That's what happens when you miss the first appointment.

You know, people bond.

Seems fair.

So, Grayson, you want kids. And what about you, Jules?

Well, I did say that I would go on any adventure with him.

But not all adventures are things you're necessarily dying to do.

I mean, for instance, being kidnapped.

That's an adventure.

Eating raw chicken.

You don't get credit for saying you'll have a kid

if you're gonna constantly make me feel guilty about it.

I agree.

Because I have to, Jules. He brings up a good point.

I know, I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm scared.

I am totally on board with you, okay? I love you.

You guys are making me miss my husband.

He killed himself.

So we got another, wow, 42 minutes.

What else? What else we got?

I love that you're having people sign your helmet.

So, what brings you to the Phallus Palace?

That would be such a good name for a gay bar.

Then we shall find a new house name.

I miss hanging out with you.

Come on, I don't have anyone to flirt with.

Let me take you out to Louie.

It's my new word for lunch.

Thanks for the invite,

but I think I'm gonna ride out my last week of humiliation here in the Nut Hut.

- Nope. - Yeah, that's worse.

I'm just tired of being mocked every time I go outside.

And our weird neighbour

keeps shooting these suction cup darts at my helmet.

I think he's got, like, a crush on me or something.

Rain check, okay?

Yeah, okay.

- All right, buddy. - There you go.

Dude! I don't roll that way!

I haven't seen you catch a wave yet, Ellie. What gives?

I don't actually ride the waves.

I just sit here. I'm a wave-sitter.

That makes less sense than non-alcoholic beer.

Or soccer.

I love it.

And until you showed up with your frazzle dazzle,

I got to be alone.

Only hard part is getting back to shore. But I have a system.

You want me to teach you how to surf?

Yes, please.

No.

Wait.

No, you wait. Go get it!

Now scram. I gotta talk to Grayson.

Do you think Dr Mettler sees us as a good couple?

It's hard to know for sure, you know, unless we had her notebook.

Wait. I do.

You stole her notebook?

I have never been so attracted to you.

- Soul mates! - Soul mates!

Check it out.

Here we are.

Yeah. Look, look. She wrote down "narcissist,"

but doesn't say which one of us she meant.

- I'm sure it's me. - It's gotta be me.

She also says we're compatible and have a bright future.

A-we are a-baggage-a-free.

Hey, Gray-Gray.

So this is kinda what I wanted to catch up about.

She's yours.

That feels like baggage.

Both have tiny eyes.

It's a baby. Everything's tiny.

We're screwed! This is a nightmare.

Hey, do guys have any wasabi almonds?

- Actually, yes. - No.

No snacks until after you explain why you never told me.

But I'm so hungry!

Come on, man, she's starving.

- Why am I fighting for her? - I don't know.

When we threw down, you were, like, all angry and dark,

which was so freaking hot,

but it was also a little bit scary, wasn't it?

Now you just seem so happy and stable.

Holly! What?

- No way! - You know her?

- Yeah, since, like, grade school. - Yeah.

Here's my baby girl.

You know her?

Tampa's my goddaughter.

My daughter's name is Tampa?

You're the father?

I think this might be my favourite day ever.

- Really? - Let me have this.

So, can you guys take Tampa tonight? 'Cause I need to dance.

Seriously, I don't want to, I need to.

I'm assuming that when you slept with my fiancé,

you also slept with other guys as well?

Hells yeah, I did!

Okay. Well, I think we should take a paternity test, you know, just for fun.

Man, I can't believe Grayson knocked that girl up.

I don't think that baby's his.

Have you seen how tight his jeans are? He's definitely firing blanks.

I'll get more wax.

Break it down, sister.

Bobby, teaching Ellie anything is a bad idea.

I tried showing her how to text a picture, she cell-phone whipped me.

I still don't have peripheral vision.

Wow. He should not be driving.

She's the unteachable woman.

I'll be fine, little buddy.

Your refrigerator is filled with nothing but beer and churros.

Yeah, I just went shopping.

All right, pal, time to leave. Surf school's a-startin'.

Well, this sucks. No one wants me around today.

Today?

How come Angie gets to stay?

I occasionally let him touch my boobs.

Well, I'll let you do that.

Hit the bricks.

Cool. You're reading Hamlet.

You still hate books, huh?

Yeah.

I also decided that since you won't go out to Louie with me,

I'm just gonna come to you.

Hey, bro?

There is no music in the world that will match what your body is doing.

I'm learning how to step dance, since I'm joining Omega Beta Theta.

Why are you joining the black frat?

Sig has always considered himself black adjacent.

Well, I could teach you how to step.

Yeah, I have watched Stomp the Yard, like, one million times.

There's a scene 72 minutes in,

where it's just all of these ripped, hot, black dancers,

and they're running up this mountain shirtless.

When I'm not talking, that scene is what I'm thinking about.

Okay. So, you kind of can't practise without a partner. Travis, get up.

Man!

There's no dude-on-dude dancing in Wang Town.

The worst one yet.

I'm glad we did the paternity test together.

Thanks, Graymond.

Graymond? That's not his name. It's not a name.

Sure it is. There's a freaking show called Everyone Loves Graymond.

Get her out.

We'll call you when we get the results, okay?

Okay.

Hey, once we find out that I'm not the father,

which Maury Povich Show celebration dance are you gonna do?

I'm gonna do the "boob-shimmy, double point-to-God."

I'm gonna do the finger-'stache-pimp-limp!

Wasn't me, wasn't me.

You better be right.

You're such a fun couple.

Better be...

- Well? - Got your test results.

Thanks for using your influence at the hospital to get these so fast.

The head nurse would only give it to me if I beat her at arm wrestling.

So I had to steal it.

Here we go.

Okay, wait.

Promise me that, no matter what,

we're gonna be really mature about this, okay?

I promise.

I'm the father.

I'm gonna skedaddle.

All right. Tenth time's a charm. There comes a wave.

I want you to paddle and pop up.

All right? Paddle and pop up.

Stop saying "paddle and pop up!"

Last time I tried that, I got a salt-water nose enema.

Problem is, you switched your stance.

Your red-neck gibberish is even harder to understand than usual.

I'm just trying to help.

That's it, I'm done.

I quit anyway. See ya, bra.

Trav, honey, you actually have some moves.

Two summers of pre-teen dance camp with my moms!

- What up. - No.

Did you just try to make that sound cool?

I did, and I regret it.

With you next to me, I think I can do this.

All the guys know you already. Do it with me.

I'm sorry, bro, but not gonna happen.

I'm gonna die up there, man.

Let me handle this, okay? Travis had a crush on me forever.

The boy has literally never said no to me.

Put your ear buds in so I can talk to him. Come on.

I don't give a crap about Sig...

Song hasn't started yet.

Yeah, you'll be fine.

But I think it would be really cool to see you dance.

Pretty please, Travis?

For me?

No.

Big Carl is a miracle worker, but I don't think he can fix this.

No, no, let him try.

Sitting there, all depressed, you look so beautiful.

Why don't we go upstairs

and make a baby that's even better than my other baby.

- Are you kidding? - Yes.

But we're not ready to joke. And I know that now.

Haven't you heard of birth control?

She said she had it covered.

She probably meant she would jump up and down after.

Look, Jules, I need to know that we can get through this.

You know, that this isn't a deal breaker.

Is it?

I don't know.

Look, I know this happened before you and I were even dating,

but does that mean I can't be mad at him for messing up our life?

Let me ask you one question. Who's he?

Andy Torres. How you doing?

I thought I would practise with him before I bring in my real fiancé.

I'm just happy someone wants me around.

Okay, now, why do you feel like no one wants you around?

Well, since I was a kid...

- It's not about you. - No.

Jules, childhood issues are very important.

For instance, when I was a little girl...

It's not about you either, Lynn. This is my hour.

Now, pretend to be Grayson.

Lover, you gotta accept that this baby is a reality.

- Yeah, but... - No, "Yeah, buts," you selfish jerk.

I love what you're doing. Pull it back a little.

Sorry, but you know how badly I wanted a child,

and now I have one.

But thanks to your "no baggage" policy, I'm not even allowed to be happy.

He's not doing it right.

No, no. Fake Grayson has made a really good point.

Look, you can't change what's happened.

All you can do is decide whether or not you can live with it.

Don't you quit on me, girl.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

E-Train, I am glad to be done as your teacher.

Bye, new girlfriend. I'm sorry you have to sleep with him.

It's all right. He's good at it.

Andy is right, she is unteachable.

She just has her walls up.

It reminds me of when I taught high school.

There was this one gangbanger named Shadow.

He used to leave dead rats in my car.

Did he put them in there dead,

or were they alive at first and then they died from the heat?

That's not really a big part of the story.

Well, he couldn't have cracked a window.

They would have just gotten away.

You know, a rat could sneak through a space this tiny.

If it's cool with you, I'll just get back to my point.

Shadow tried to scare me off, but I never gave up on him.

Ellie's your Shadow.

You just have to let her know that you'll stick to it, no matter what.

Yeah, but Ellie's not a gangbanger.

Come on, let's go cheer Sig on.

Pass.

You really gotta get over this thing with books.

What is going on with us?

You wouldn't even come to Louie with me yesterday.

I don't get it. And don't blame it on your stupid helmet.

All you non-helmets think it's just so easy.

A year ago, you would have come to lunch with me

even if I asked you to wear nothing but a sock on your junk.

I miss the guy that would do anything to see me smile.

It got a little too flirty for me.

There's no such thing.

It's just not as much fun when you get stuck on someone

and then you start thinking about them all the time,

even though you know nothing real will ever happen.

It just makes you feel kinda stupid, you know?

Yeah, I get that.

Kinda sucks for me. You made me feel special, so...

Sorry.

It's okay. I'll see you around, Trav.

You should call this place the Panty Graveyard.

It's perfect.

- I'm wave-sitting. Go away. - Nope.

You're my Shadow. I'm not leaving you.

Why? I just wanna be alone.

Hey!

Seriously?

What? I missed you.

Ellie, I need you.

You have got to be kidding!

You're all crazy. I'm going in!

Well, then, I'm going with you.

Can we please talk?

It's like he took our future into the woods and shot it in the face.

Ma'am, where did you get those sunglasses?

They're probably yours. You left them at Graymond's?

Unless you're pregnant, you just can keep on moving.

You're being such a dummy.

Yeah, you promised Graymond you'd have a kid,

but you don't want to.

- You don't know that. Maybe I do. - Then have one.

I don't want to.

This way he gets his dream kid,

and your 43-year-old egg-maker gets off scot-free.

It's not that simple. He has a child with someone else.

Like you do?

Stupid logic.

This is hard on him, isn't it?

Man, it's exhausting thinking of other people's feelings.

I know! That's why I stopped doing it.

- What are you doing here? - Time to surf.

- Come on, come on, come on. - No, no, no! No!

Jules! No!

Travis! I can't believe you came.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Where is my helmet?

Right here!

I said, where is my helmet?

Right here!

- This feels a little rehearsed. - It is.

What can I say? Still do anything to see you smile.

I said, where is my helmet?

Okay, here it comes, here I am.

Omega, Beta, Theta! Your helmet has arrived!

I hope a shark eats your face.

Even if one did, I still wouldn't give up on you.

Really?

Nope. All right. Here comes a wave.

All right, go, go! Start paddling, get in there!

Yeah!

Hi.

Hey. Holly let you take her?

She yelled from the shower that it was fine.

I'm not even sure she knew it was me.

Tampa's a cutie.

Good God, she's wearing glitter blush.

That not gonna fly if you're gonna be a part of our family.

You sure you're okay with this?

This is perfect.

I get to have a baby without the hassle.

The sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, that's all you, my friend.

You gotta have a hit of that.

Come on.

Where we going?

Everyone,

come meet Grayson's daughter.

Hi.

- Hey, girl! Hey! - Look at you!

I'm a dad.

Bobby and Ellie are in the gang

But they hardly ever hang

Unless it's when they're hanging ten

'Cause they like to surf

They like to surf

Bobby and Ellie, they like to surf

Bobby and Ellie, they like to surf

They like to surf Hey, watch them surf

'Cause they like to surf

She just fell down!

Bobby and Ellie, they like to surf

They like to surf Just watch them surf

That shot looks fake but it's still great

'Cause they like to surf

They like to surf