Original subtitles

[laughing]

Look out for the tickle monster!

He's going to get you. [car alarm chirps]

[alarm chirps]

[alarm chirps]

[alarm chirps]

[alarm chirps]

Honey, you can stop looking for the car keys.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

You are going to be so proud of me.

Why?

I spent the last five nights in a chat room

reeling in this creep named Heinrich.

I got his address and showed up at his house

with a printed transcript of our conversations.

He calls me "Sugarbuns"

15 times on nine separate occasions.

-Reese... -So the guy starts crying,

"What about my wife? What about my kids?

I'll do anything."

Entrapment.

It's not just for police anymore.

Why do I care about this?

The guy works at the racetrack.

He's going to make bets for us on the horses we pick.

Well, the horses you pick.

This is tomorrow's racing form.

You'll pick the winners

and I'll place the bets-- we split the winnings

50-50, like brothers.

That's kind of nice.

Yeah.

I got to keep this guy on his toes.

Time to leave a suspicious message

on his answering machine.

Wow, blackmailing a pervert to facilitate underage gambling.

How could this not work out?

It didwork out.

It's been four days and Reese

and I have already won almost $300.

I can't believe it.

Reese's plans usually end up with a missing toe or something.

Since when... do you... buy lunch?

Oh, well, I've been making some extra money at work.

There's an incentive program at work

where we're given bonuses for finding

inefficiencies and it's really

improved morale at the store.

You know, I actually enjoy going to work now that everybody is...

Whoa! Jeez, are you okay?

Trying to finish... what God started?

I'm sorry, I didn't see the curb.

I was distracted by that...

Ow.

Do you believe this?

What happened?

I was half way through my haircut

when Troy casually mentioned

that his price had gone up from $21 to $28.

And he thought I would just sit there and take it.

Well, I showed him, Hal.

I got up and I walked right out of there.

This is extortion, pure and simple.

What are you going to do about...?

-Here, even it up. -What?

I can't walk around like this. Cut it.

No, I couldn't.

Hal, it doesn't have to look good.

Just hack this side off. Even it up.

Oh, my God.

This is beautiful, Hal.

You've never done this before?

No, I guess I just have a knack for it.

Lois, I didn't think it was possible,

but you are even more stunning than ever.

Oh, Hal.

What in the...?

This is my new car. I bought it.

Now, I know what you're thinking,

but please just give me 45 seconds to explain

why this is the perfect car for me

and how it was such and insanely great deal

that I had no choice but to buy it.

Hey, there's some black gooey stuff leaking out of it.

I know it looks fast and dangerous,

but that's a good thing.

Cops will have their eye on my car,

so I'll be extra motivated to drive safe and slow.

It didn't cost much, so I'll have enough to pay

for the first year's insurance.

Think of all the money you'll save

from less wear and tear on your car

since I won't have to drive it anymore.

I can put my finger through the metal.

Dewey, get out of there!

I'll be able to work extra shifts

since I won't have to ride in with you,

which means I'll be bringing more money into the house.

Oh, and I love it.

I know you don't care, but it just needed to be said.

Malcolm, the fact that you even want this so bad

should have been your first clue that this is...

-Lois. -Hal, he's not...

Look, every boy has to go through this.

It's the only way they find out

what's important in a car.

Look, let's go.

I need to feather your neckline a little bit.

Where were you?

We were supposed to meet Heinrich right after lunch to get our bets in.

Today was totally wasted.

Although he did buy me a swimsuit.

I got a car, Reese.

I finally have a car.

It's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

It's a piece of crap.

Don't listen to him.

You're magnificent.

WOMAN: Lois, your hair looks beautiful.

She's right, Lois. It's fantastic.

Thank you.

I've been getting compliments all day.

It looks so much better.

Yeah, I thought you were trapped in the '70s with that old cut.

And your head doesn't look

so boxy anymore.

Lois?

What did you do to your hair? I love it.

Fred, isn't it fantastic?

Mm-hmm.

Who's your stylist?

-My husband did it. -Really?

Where's his shop?

He doesn't have one.

I just got the scissors out of the drawer and,

I don't know, he just got inspired.

-Amazing. -Okay, ladies, we're agreed.

Lois looks beautiful.

Now, let's get back to work.

I got a job to do, too, honey.

Good evening, Fred.

There goes the soul of this store.

And it keeps your nose

from taking over your face.

Yeah, thanks.

So I'll see you tonight?

I wouldn't miss it.

Lois, you've got to help me.

What? I need you to cover the rest of my shift for me.

Again? Craig, what's going on?

Paula wants to surprise Fred for their anniversary.

He's a big golfer, so she wants to learn how,

so I've been giving her lessons.

You don't know how to golf.

True,

but somehow she got the idea

that I only missed the cut at the Masters by three strokes.

You lied to her?

Lois, my job here is hanging by a thread.

I thought if I could help the boss's wife

surprise him with a game of golf, they'd end up kissing

on the 18th green, and maybe I'd be in there somewhere

getting the credit for it.

Or you could just work hard at your job

and then you wouldn't have to suck up.

Lois, I don't have time for your fantasies.

I'm in trouble here.

The first few lessons

we worked on driving the cart,

but now she wants to know how to swing a club.

I need to take a lesson

so I can bluff my way through her lesson.

Craig... Please, Lois.

I can't lose this job.

This is the only true thing on my resume.

All right, but I'm only...

FRED: Feldspar.

I want all those 50-pound bags of dog food out on the floor

before I get back from the warehouse.

I'm on it.

Thanks, Lois.

Sorry I'm late, Hal.

The grocery store was...

Hi, Lois.

-Hal, what are you doing? -Just giving Margie a new look.

I had to have him do me.

Your husband's a genius.

And I get to keep the hair.

Now where was I? Oh, my sister.

Honestly, a beach condo on her salary.

Who is she trying to impress?

She's just so insecure, she always has been.

Every year she sends

a Christmas card with a picture

of her family sitting on a sailboat.

It's not even theirs.

Uh, Lois.

Do you have to do the grocery thing in here?

So, they rent that boat from their horrible neighbors

who, P.S., don't even know how to sail.

And the husband got that money for it by very lucrative...

[engine turning over]

What is your problem, you stupid car?

You're driving me nuts.

Where... were you?

Oh, Stevie, good. Here, take this.

If it turns over, yank it out.

I waited... at the library.

You should have seen her today.

I was at a light and these jerks

pulled up next to me wanting to race.

I hit the gas and she just flew.

I totally blew the doors off for four seconds

before she dropped an oil pan.

[engine starting]

That's it!

Malcolm, we did it.

We won over $250 from...

from the good grades program at school.

Awesome.

That'll pay for this.

Isn't it beautiful?

This is for you.

I e-mailed... my chess move... days ago.

Stevie, I don't have to do everything with you.

Tell you what.

I'll take you for a drive. That'll...

[metallic crunching]

[engine dies, metallic clank]

What is your problem, you stupid car?!

You're driving me nuts!

[mumbling to himself]

So I'm thinking, I feel young, so why not look young?

So I got the Botox done

to my crow's feet and my forehead, then I had

my chin done and my tummy tucked.

And I may not stop there.

Work it, girlfriend.

Oh, hi, Lois.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Does your grandmother know you borrowed her hands?

I went to six different stores

and could not find that avocado oil you recommended.

Hal, this isn't working for me.

Well, that's because you don't

scrunch and sprits like I told you to.

No, this. Look.

Craig is flaking out on me.

I'm pulling double shifts for him

and every time I come home, it's full of people.

I never have any time alone.

There is hair everywhere.

And I do not like the way

you are standing lately.

Lois, these women are walking out of here with a glow.

It's wonderful.

Well, can't you at least some of the money

you're making to hire a cleaning lady?

I'm not accepting money for this.

What?!

I am transforming these women, Lois.

I won't soil that with money.

And it's not just the hair.

They confide in me,

they need someone to listen to their problems.

You wouldn't believe what some of

these women are going through.

Nancy, she's getting audited.

Margie's husband has a gambling problem,

and Paula in there, she is having an affair.

What?

Yes, for the last five months.

It's some guy she's pretending to take golf lessons with.

Why do you keep doing this to me?

I fix your throttle leakage and your alternator dies.

I buy you a new alternator and your water pump explodes.

Every time I think I'm getting close,

you find a new way to hurt me.

Hey, thanks for placing that bet today.

I tried to get out of detention,

but none of the fire alarms are working.

Where's the money?

-I never made the bet. -What?

I didn't make the bet. I spent the money on something else.

A car bra!

What? You had $200.

That horse came in at five to two.

I don't know what that is,

but I'm supposed to get half of it.

Sorry, man. But look how hot she looks.

Malcolm, you got to calm down.

This car is messing you up.

This car is not messing me up.

It's made me happier than I've ever been in my life.

[grunting]

Oh, Lois, thank God.

Fred asked me to scrub out the Dumpsters tonight,

but Paula wants to work on her short iron,

so I had to schedule an emergency lesson

with the golf pro.

The guy charges, like, 90 bucks an hour

and it's really eating away at my savings,

but I guess I have no one to blame but myself--

and, oh, my God, you know about the affair.

Damn it!

Damn it!

You do know, right?

Yes, I know.

Damn it!

Craig, how could you lie to me

after all I've done for you?

I let you sleep on our floor

when you though your cat's ghost was trying to kill you.

I settled that feud

between you and the Girl Scout troop.

They started it.

Shut up!

I do all this and you repay me

by making me drag around 50-pound sacks of dog food

so you can sleep with the boss's wife?

That's inexcusable!

I didn't plan this. It just happened.

One night after inventory,

we stopped in the parking lot to talk.

I bent down to pick up her keys,

the next thing I know,

she's got me handcuffed in a shower

in a motel out by the airport.

She's crazy, Lois.

But she makes me crazy, too.

-Craig... -I'm not kidding.

There is a dark, scary place inside of me

that I didn't even know was there,

but Paula knew it was there,

and every night she takes me to that scary place

and shows me some new,

terrible, delicious corner of it.

You're not going to rat on me, are you?

No, but you have to end this today.

I can't, Lois. I'm addicted.

I don't even know who I am anymore!

I know I've let you down,

but I want to thank you for helping me anyway.

Craig, I never said I...

If that homeless guy is still in the dumpster,

just let him drink from the hose.

He'll leave you alone.

Stupid car.

That's four coats.

Now will you run?!

Malcolm, your leopard-skin seat covers are here.

Sweet.

I can't wait to see you in them.

What's going on?

Malcolm, this is Mike.

He's from AAA.

You're in a safe place

with people who care about you.

Sit down, son.

What's all this about?

Stevie and Reese have something to say

and I think you should listen.

You've abandoned... your friends.

You didn't

even notice my new... deck shoes.

Stevie, I've just been busy, okay?

Your car is ruining everything.

It's even affecting our illegal gambling.

I tried to pick a winner myself,

but since I'm an idiot,

I picked one that came in at over 600-to-one.

I won $11,500 that I can't even touch

because I'd have to fill out a tax form!

$11,500 that's just sitting there tormenting me

because of that stupid car!

Stop calling it stupid!

That car isn't stupid.

That car is great.

It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Really? Where'd you get that shiner?

That was my fault. I wasn't being careful enough.

Malcolm,

we're here to help,

but the first step is for you to admit

that you have a problem.

I did. That's why I'm in AAA.

There's thousands of us, Malcolm,

and we all know what you're going through.

Wow.

I guess I didn't realize how bad things had gotten.

I think I need to take

a good long look at every...

[engine starting]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's it.

I didn't get... to read... my poem.

And then when Martha left the room,

Tina checked the price tag on the leather coat--

factory outlet.

[chuckles]

Temperature good for you?

Perfect. As was the scalp massage.

So all you have to do is cash in the ticket for me,

give me the $11,000, and you can keep $500.

Deal.

Thanks, man.

Well, I think it's important you have an adult you can trust.

This car is a tease.

Yesterday, she gave me the ride of my life.

Her bra flew off before I even hit the freeway.

I was so happy!

And today, she won't even start.

It's like yesterday didn't even happen.

I can't take this anymore!

Please start!

Please, I'm begging you!

Just give me a little something, please?!

[engine starts]

Oh, thank you so much! I knew you'd come back.

We're meant to be together. Don't you see?

Help!

Somebody help me!

I'm stuck!

Help!

There's a bit of a wait.

We got slammed with a wedding party

and we're way behind.

Ah, The Human Volcano.

One of my favorites.

Oh, it's so much better now that he can read minds.

Exactly.

He used to just have heat grip.

How lame was that?

You allergic to nuts?

No.

All right.

What are you studying in school?

Regular stuff, I guess.

I don't really like school.

Everybody makes fun of me.

Yeah, I remember those days.

Kids can be so cruel.

The smart kids, the loners,

they were the meanest.

The worst is gym class.

My own team throws the ball at me in dodgeball.

Hey, you know how you can get out of gym?

Pretend to have asthma.

All you need is a fake inhaler.

Here, take mine.

It also gets me good seats on the bus.

Don't worry. Things are going

to be better for you from here on out.

My dad tells me the same thing.

Well, your dad's a smart man.

Frank, your new haircut looks great.

Let me just get my purse and I'll drive you back home to your parents.

Craig, you know Frank's parents, Fred and Paula.

Remember, Fred is our boss at Lucky Aide?

And I believe you're giving golf lessons to his mom.

Let's go, Frank.

And I promise I'll drive very safely

so we don't have an accident.

I wouldn't want to ruin your life with my carelessness.

[coughing]

I'm not going to make it.

Stevie was right about this car.

[coughs]

And so was Reese.

He was right about the car and the horse racing.

[coughs]

That makes it easier.

I don't... want to live in a world...

where Reese is right.

You really have to snap those sheets

if you want to get the hair off.

Come on. Throw your fanny into it.

Dad, seriously, you got to stop talking like that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just so draining listening to all these people

with their tawdry little secrets.

Like that Paula woman, Fred's wife?

Not only is she cheating on her husband,

now she's two-timing on her golf instructor

with her swing-dance teacher.

She is learning new moves every night,

if you know what I'm talking about.

She is so cold.

Hey!

Stevie, please, we're talking.

And Sheila's husband Randy just got a new assistant.

She's 19 years old

and she doesn't even know how to type.

The girl wears a halter top to the office.

Halter tops?

Hello? Dukes of Hazzard on line three.

They want their costumes back.

[coughing]

Malcolm? Malcolm, are you all right?

What happened?

It's okay. It's okay, son.

You'll be fine. Just breathe deep.

[gasping]

Stevie...

...you saved my life.

I treated you like dirt. You saved my life.

[coughing]

Your wheel's kinda on my crotch.

Is it?

I can get off early.

Can't you cancel your lesson?

I wish I could,

but we're working on the Texas Two-Step tonight.

We never see each other anymore.

Lois, I see you more than I see my wife these days.

Oh, Fred, things have a way of changing for the better.

You'll see.

CRAIG [over P.A.]: Attention, Lucky Aide shoppers:

My name is Craig Feldspar

and I have a message for Paula Lynch.

[sobbing] Paula, I can't go on like this.

I'm going to do the right thing and make you my wife.

I just bought an $11,500 engagement ring

which I hope you'll accept.

You're cheating on me with Craig Feldspar?!

I think we're both victims here, Fred.

I'm going to go... something that way.

Sure, it won't be easy for us,

but the path of true love never did run smooth.

We'll move in with my grandmother

and care for her together.

Well, they're about to tow her away.

You want to come say good-bye?

No.

I know it's tough, son.

I thought I'd never get over my first car.

'64 Plymouth Fury who couldn't keep her top on.

Then some guy stole her from me.

I saw her a few months later with a new driver

and a different paint job, but she meant nothing to me.

I had moved on.

And so will you.

Are you cutting my hair?

No.

Captioned by Post Haste Digital