Original subtitles

(whimpers)

(screams)

Fine, I'll go to parent-teacher night.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hey, Stevie.

The usual. We're on punishment.

No good reason.

We had the eggs, we had the golf clubs.

What'd she expect?

Whoa! Really?

I want that thing spotless.

I want to be able to lick the bricks.

When are you going to lick the bricks?

I want you to be able to lick the bricks.

I'll lick the bricks right now.

This is the last day of your punishment.

Do you want me to tack on one day more?

All right. All right.

Hey, Stevie's dad got three extra tickets

to the demolition derby.

Cool. That's not even the best part.

We're going with Stevie

so we get the handicapped seats in the front.

Hey, Mom,

can we go to the demolition derby tomorrow?

Demolition derby?

What? You want to go tomorrow?

Yeah. Why not?

Our punishment's over tonight.

You think we might have something planned for tomorrow?

Yeah, the demolition derby.

Or could it be that tomorrow is your father's birthday?!

Oh...

We talked about this!

Well, maybe Dad can come with us.

Yeah, we can get him a ticket from a scalper.

That could be our present.

You're not going anywhere!

You're staying at home

and we're going to throw your father a birthday party

like we talked about.

I have something very special planned.

Like what?

It's none of your business.

It's a surprise for your father.

Honestly, I can't believe you boys!

You have to be forced

into celebrating your father's birthday?!

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

You know what? You don't have to yell at us.

We can hear you just fine if you talk in a normal tone of voice.

I'm okay with the present system.

Get back to work.

I'm not okay with the present system.

How does she make me say things like that?

Oh, my God. What is it?

Francis is coming home.

Really? You're kidding.

No. This is his itinerary.

His flight gets in tomorrow.

I hope this doesn't ruin Mom's special plan.

This is Mom's special plan.

Why didn't she tell us?

Because it's a surprise for Dad.

And if we blow her secret, Mom is going to kill us.

So we just need to keep our mouths shut

and finish our work.

Right.

Come on, Dewey. You call this clean?

(TV playing)

(clicks TV off)

* Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you *

* Happy birthday, dear Dad, happy birthday to you. *

MAN (on TV): Don't touch that dial.

We'll be right back. (humming)

You've never seen anything like this before.

The demolition derby comes to the fairgrounds!

Tonight at 8:00 see Dr. Bob Edwards

and his '76 Impala station wagon of death, destruction, mayhem.

Big cash prizes. Winner takes home $150...

(quickly): minus entry fee.

Wagering prohibited on the fairgrounds.

Come if you dare.

This is so unfair.

Dad has tons of birthdays,

but there's only one demolition derby.

We never get to do anything good.

Well, at least Francis will be here.

...'76 Impala station wagon of death!

Yeah.

Not bad.

Still have a little snap in my skin.

For the love of God,

what did you do to me?

What do you mean?

All those sit-ups I did,

all those miles I ran every morning

and this is how you repay me, by looking like hell?

You think I look bad?

Please. The crow's feet, the turkey neck?

Okay. A few years have gone by.

There's been a little wear and tear.

Wear and tear?

You look like a puppet of yourself

made out of cottage cheese.

What are you talking about? Check out the pant melons.

They still do the trick.

Well, sure, it's magnificent,

but you're not going to be able

to coast on that forever.

I postdate checks

to the power company all the time.

Why is that suddenly such a big deal?

Look, I'm a little short this month

(whispering): because I spent a lot of money to surprise my husband

for his birthday, but next month...

No, it was a special circumstance.

Look, can I speak with your supervisor?

No, don't put me on hol...

Damn!

Whoops. Let me get those.

Oh, there's one.

Yes, I'm still holding.

Do you have to stay on the phone?

Hal, would you please just give me a minute?

They're threatening to cut off the power.

It's a 24-hour number. You can call 'em back.

No, I can't! Yes, you can!

You know, there was a time

when I didn't have to ask for your attention.

What? Yes, I'm still...

I thought you were getting the supervisor.

A man likes to be noticed

when he walks in a room, Lois.

Boys, would you leave the room a minute

so your father and I can talk?

No!

Excuse me?

I'm not leaving.

You guys just chase us out whenever you want

without even asking us!

I'm getting tired of it!

Watching TV is the only thing to do in this house

that's actually fun

so you're left with two choices:

You can either fight somewhere else

or get us a TV for our room!

There's no reasoning with that woman.

I thought you made some good points.

It doesn't matter. She doesn't listen anyway.

It's like talking to a wall.

(laughs) Hey, that's what we're doing.

Just relax. It's only for a couple of hours.

When Francis gets home, they'll forget all about it.

We can get through this.

We've been waiting for 20 minutes, Lois.

When can we eat?

Hal, we have to wait

for the ice cream to loosen up.

You know you like it soft.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

In fact, so do we. We all do.

Since when?

Since yesterday.

What happened yesterday?

Dad, just be patient. This isn't a witch hunt.

Just calm down

and whatever happens is going to happen.

What are you talking about?

What I'm trying to say is we're going

to get through this together as a family...

...and as individuals

in this great country where we live.

(doorbell rings)

Thank God!

Come on, Hal.

What are you doing?

Giving you your present.

Ta-da!

Happy birthday, Dad. Francis!

Oh, my God, it's Francis!

(laughs)

Oh, look at you! Come here!

I can't believe it!

How long are you staying?

A few days. Are you surprised?

Surprised? I'm in shock!

Well, you should be.

I've been planning this for months.

Thank you.

Happy birthday, honey.

Hold on.

I've got another surprise for you.

Everybody, this is Piama.

She's my wife.

We're married.

Hi.

I was going to tell you over the phone

and then I thought why not bring her down here

and surprise you in person?

What do you mean you're married?

Piama and I are husband and wife.

We got married last week.

Last week?

Francis, who is this woman?

She's my wife. Her name is Piama.

Hello.

Well, come on.

Isn't anyone going to congratulate us?

What?

For getting married.

That's what families do.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Well, come on, Mom.

You can at least try and be and happy for me.

I'm sorry, Francis.

This is a hell of a thing to dump in my lap

on your father's birthday.

Yeah, it's all about you, Mom.

Excuse me for thinking that my family

would be excited to meet my wife.

I can't believe you guys!

Come on, Francis, it's not their fault.

What did you expect?

You could have at least called ahead of time.

Boys, go to your room!

What? What do you mean? We're on your side.

I said go!

How long have you known each other?

You never mentioned her.

I only met her a month ago... today.

Happy anniversary.

Plus we had the whole bus ride down.

A month? I misjudged you.

You know, come to think of it, that's the longest

you ever stuck with anything in your life.

Congratulations.

You outlasted his paper route.

Lady, you don't want to stick your hand in my face.

Hey, everybody, let's just calm down.

We are calm! It's Mom who's flipping out!

Oh, Francis, I haven't even started to flip out!

Why can't you just be happy for us?!

LOIS: We're supposed to be happy

when you repay us like this

after all we've done for you?!

FRANCIS: I'm confused! Are we talking about

the years of psychological abuse

or shipping me off to military school?!

This family sucks. They don't care anything about us.

They don't even listen to us.

Let's get out of here.

To the demolition derby?

No. I mean, let's really get out of here

and get away from these people.

Where are we going to go?

Wherever this takes us.

I snagged it out of dad's wallet this morning.

You knew we were going to need it tonight?

Uh, yeah.

I'm in. Yeah, but...

FRANCIS: ...and stomp it into a bloody pulp and throw it in the trash.

LOIS: Why do I even try?

You've been nothing but a problem

since the day you were born. Let's go.

PIAMA: He's trying to explain it to you

if you'd just listen to him for once!

Why are you talking?! Why are you talking?!

Can we just stop this?!

Let's get in the car and go for a drive to cool off.

We can still have a nice birthday party.

Oh, we are long past having a nice birthday party!

As usual, Francis has taken something

that should have been sweet and ruined it!

Don't pin this on me!

I am completely willing to have a party right now!

Oh, you want to have a party? Happy damn birthday!

Hey, why don't we all have some cake?!

We don't want to be a part of this family anymore

so we're leaving.

Oh, great, Mom! Here we go with the dramatics!

LOIS: Who else wants cake?!

Thank you. You're welcome.

Who wants some delicious damn cake?!

Can Piama have a rose?

Why not? There's plenty to go around!

I'm the one who broke the ice-maker last year!

Why do you have to ruin everything?!

Well, I learned from the best, Mom!

Wow, I've never been in a hotel this fancy before.

This isn't a hotel, Dewey.

It's our new home.

Okay, let me do all the talking.

May I help you?

My dad called in a reservation.

Okay...

There you are.

As soon as your dad signs this,

you're all set.

Oh, he's out at the car,

but we can take care of it.

Maybe you want to have a seat

and we'll just wait for your dad.

Is there any way we could speed this along?

My little brother isn't feeling very well.

Yeah, my dad's going to be a while out there.

He's cleaning the car where Dewey got sick.

I'm sorry, but an adult needs to sign for the room.

Look, he's really sick.

He could blow any second.

He doesn't look that sick to me.

(grunting)

Dewey, that was amazing.

They ran out of barf dust.

I'm hungry.

I bet you are.

How do you guys want your steaks?

Should we look in the park?

No, nobody goes there anymore since they put the lights in.

Oh.

Why didn't you tell us you were getting married?

I don't know, Dad.

It just happened kind of fast.

How can you know anyone in a month?

Dad, I knew in a minute.

Trust me, Piama is the one.

She's a little fiery

but she's also kind and funny and completely real.

You just haven't gotten to know the real Piama.

And whose fault is that?

I know, I know, but that's why I brought her down with me

so everyone would get to know her.

It wasn't supposed to turn into the apocalypse.

And what about you and Mom?

You got married pretty quick.

Yes, but I was a few years older.

I had already been with a lot of...

I had lived a full life.

So you were older.

I just happened to run into the exact right person for me

a little earlier than you did.

Once you meet that person, why wait?

Huh? Why not do it if I'm sure?

Should I not do it because my family's not sure?

It wouldn't matter if the wedding was last week

or next week or ten years from now,

you and Mom still would have had a problem with it.

All my life...

I would have come, Francis. What?

If you had invited me, I would have come.

No, you...

I'm sorry.

Didn't I tell you flowers were a great idea?

Okay, we're all set.

You have the Plaza Burger, the Maine lobster,

medium-rare Porterhouse, large platter of french fries

and a complete dessert cart.

Your parents certainly have interesting taste in food.

Yeah, they do.

Actually, I'm going to need

one of your parents to sign that.

I left the tip blank.

Why don't you put in whatever you think is fair.

Bon appétit.

Dewey, your dinner's here!

Here you go, Reese.

Thank you, Malcolm.

So this is what a $24 hamburger looks like.

I thought it would be as big as my head.

Ah. Why don't we have a Jacuzzi tub at home?

Because that would make us happy.

You know what, forget about that place.

Tonight, this is our home.

You got a lobster? Yes.

I think I deserve a lobster.

We all deserve something nice for once.

Whoa, this dinner was expensive.

I wonder what Dad's credit limit is.

Let's find out.

They should be home with the boys soon.

How's your tea?

Fine, thank you.

Sugar?

No, thanks.

That's a pretty bracelet.

Thank you.

What kind of stone is that?

Turquoise.

Francis got it for me.

Oh.

How was your flight?

We took the bus.

That's right, I guess that's what Francis did

with the money that I sent him for his plane fare.

Plus the bracelet.

Let's talk about something else.

You know, Francis isn't the screw-up you think he is.

Really?

Did you know he works 16 hours a day at his job

and he still managed to build

a wheelchair ramp for my uncle Jake.

In fact... I don't think

we should talk about Francis, either.

Why not?

He's my husband and your son.

Needless to say, he and I have

a very long and complicated history together

that I don't feel like explaining to you.

Admit it.

You don't like me.

I don't even know you.

Well, what would you like to know?

I'm 19.

My mom ran off when I was three

and my dad kicked me out of the house when I was 14

because I threw out his liquor.

I've been married once before,

no kids, thank God,

and last year, I spent three weeks in jail

but it wasn't my fault.

Will you stop this, please?

You just can't stand

for someone in your fancy family to marry beneath him.

What?

Just because I'm not all classy like you.

Classy?

You think I'm classy?

Don't laugh at me.

I'm sorry.

It's just, this is a first.

I hate to break it to you, but I am not classy.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I guess what you call class

I call manners.

I came down here hoping to get along with you,

but you're not going to let that happen.

You might be surprised at what I'd let happen.

So, what's going to happen?

I don't know.

What is going to happen?

Good news.

The boys stole my credit card.

All we have to do is call the credit card company and...

You want to come outside, baby, Honey, why don't we go...

and I'll show you my tree house?

About time.

We called for chocolate syrup, like, 30 minutes ago.

(gasps)

(grunts)

(screams)

Hello, Malcolm.

(Malcolm groans) Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Beat it, Vicky.

We'll finish the cuffs later.

Okay, boys, get your things.

We're going home.

No, we're not going back there.

Well, you can't stay in this hotel room forever.

What are you going to do--

live under a bridge and steal food out of Dumpsters?

I don't know, but we're not going home.

We've had it with the way you treat us

and we've had it

with all the yelling!

You are a terrible influence on us!

All you ever do is scream!

And order us around!

There's something wrong with this family!

Families should have

some way of communicating besides yelling!

Okay, everybody, calm down.

I understand what you're saying.

I am not going to yell.

I am not going to scream.

We are capable of talking about this

without raising our voices.

Now, boys, I want you to understand

I am sorry about what happened,

but you have to understand I get a little emotional

when I learned that my oldest son

was acting like an idiot

and throwing his life away.

Now, that doesn't mean...

Stop talking about him like that!

Francis is my heart!

Okay, we're even.

Everyone's fine and there's no need for escalation.

Isn't it beautiful when things work out?

Yeah, I'd say this has gone pretty well.

I mean, considering we got off to a rocky start,

we couldn't have asked for a better ending.

Get your wife out of my sight.

She called you my wife.

That's progress.

So Dad's birthday wasn't that bad after all.

He got a new back shaver.

We got to eat cake that was cut by a knife

and Mom has promised not to yell at us anymore.

Bye, Francis. Bye, Malcolm.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Thanks, son.

Piama.

Lois.

Anytime you want to finish our little talk.

I'd like that.

Maybe I'll come for a visit.

Maybe I'll come back down here.

Anytime, anyplace.

Okay, bye. HAL: Uh, yeah, yeah, bye.

(Dewey screaming)

Get back here, you little weasel!

Reese!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's all my fault.

I'll clean my room and do all my homework.

We may want to go back to the old system.