Original subtitles

Mom, Dad, guess what. The Tooth Fairy came.

He did?

Oh! So what'd he give you-- a couple dollars?

I got a rock and half a stick of gum.

Malcolm!

Reese!

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Watch this, Francis-- I can make milk come out of either nostril.

He's gotten pretty good at this.

It's sad, but I'm actually kind of jealous.

Reese, anything coming out of your nose

is going right back in your mouth.

This corner of my waffle's still frozen.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I had to put Francis' waffle on top,

and that toaster oven just isn't big enough.

It's your fault my waffle's frozen?

Sorry.

Francis, you'd better get moving. You don't want

to be late for your first day of inventory.

Oh, yeah, Mom. Thanks again for getting me that job.

Some of the guys

are spending their spring break river rafting.

You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they heard I was

going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky Aide.

Sorry, Francis, but it's the perfect fit:

we needed people and you have no choice.

Hey! Look at the sexy professor!

Dad, you're bringing all that junk to Dewey's class?

Yes, I am, Malcolm.

This is my first Career Day.

I want to make sure I dazzle 'em!

I want Dewey to be proud of his old man.

One out of four wouldn't be so bad.

Dad, they're six years old.

Which is why we have to keep things moving.

We'll start with the pie chart,

then move to Earnings Index.

Do I have to do this?

Relax, Malcolm. Your teacher said it's fine.

You'll just make up what you miss after school.

You know, I am really looking forward to this.

I think this is going to be a lot of fun.

Well, no, that's not, not all I do.

I, uh, there are some, you know, important

and, uh, very, uh,

interesting...

Could you repeat the question?

Your job sounds awful.

(laughs) Well, of course it's awful; it's a job.

You know...

He's tanking.

He's way past tanking.

See, you, you kids have to realize that all jobs are awful

and there's nothing that you can do about that.

I mean, they're, they're tedious and boring.

Being a fireman isn't boring.

True, but you have to take into consideration

the high mortality rate.

It's real easy to get killed in a fire.

My daddy's a fireman.

Pete's daddy's going to die?

Oh, and I'm sure he's probably going to be fine.

So the only reason you like your job

is because you won't get killed in a fire?

Yes.

Well, actually, you see...

you see, I-I work on a very high floor,

so that's not necessarily true.

Any other questions?

If your job is so boring and you don't like it

why do you do it?

You quit your job?

Lois, please, give me

a little more credit than that.

No, I asked for a leave of absence

because of a kidney malfunction.

Nice.

Drastic but vague enough to discourage

any follow-up questions.

Way to go.

You're doing this because of what a seven-year-old said?

It was horrible. He made Dad cry.

This kid was ruthless...

but fair.

His dad did a puppet show.

I'll tell you boys, life is crazy.

One day you're in community college

driving a Camaro T-top,

cock of the walk,

and then you need some cash, so you get a job.

You think it's only temporary, but then you get a promotion

and then a raise,

and all these doors open up for you,

except they're not really doors. They're trapdoors.

And then all of a sudden--

bam! 20 years has zipped by, and you're thinking,

"Is this all I have to my life?"

Not you kids.

I love you kids, but, come on-- the house-- it's crap.

Boys, I want to talk to your father alone.

So, you've got a bedroom. We're eating.

Just kidding, we're leaving.

Hal...

is this a midlife crisis?

I don't know what it is.

I-I-- it-- I just know that I had to do something.

And what is it exactly you plan on doing?

What I have always talked about doing...

a thing that has been in my head for years.

The painting?

Yes, I-I-I can see it so clearly.

Every line, every streak,

every daub.

The blazing crimson flushes,

the vivid blue tones.

The almost subliminal tinges of tangerine.

Yes, Hal, I have heard this before, but...

Lois, I got to get this out of my head.

Do you know how crazy this is? Yeah.

You were going to save the painting until retirement,

when it's okay to be insane.

Hal, I was really looking forward

to that old painter guy puttering around the house

with a little old spot of paint on his cheek.

I'm sorry, baby, I just, I just can't wait anymore.

Maybe I can be the old gardener guy.

Okay.

Yes? Really? Yes?

This is important to you,

and up until about five minutes ago

you were a very good husband and father.

You deserve this.

Oh, thank you.

You deserve something really great.

I really wish I could buy it for you,

but I'm going to be digging pretty deep

into the savings for art supplies.

Thank you.

Congratulations, people.

You have all passed the rigorous Lucky Aide

inventory screening process.

You should be proud. This is a great crew.

(speaks foreign language)

We've done a few trust games, some stretches.

Now we're ready for battle.

As I already explained,

corporate has us pitted against the downtown store.

First one to finish inventory gets a plaque and a hundred...

a plaque.

Yes, a question.

Yes, which household product will kill me fastest?

We're going to start you off counting the cotton swabs.

Bleach... or oven cleaner

or Rat Grenade. Rat Grenade's good.

It's weird.

All my life, Dad's been getting up every morning

and dragging himself to a job that he despised

with every fiber of his being.

I can't believe I never noticed.

I guess I've been pretty self-centered.

Oh, my God!

What if that happens to me?

Two quarts of amber varnish.

A number two camel hair brush.

Or maybe a Kalinsky sable.

Camel hair brush, Kalinsky sable.

How do you know about all this stuff?

You never painted anything in your life.

I have been painting this for 15 years, Lois...

up here.

Oh, hi, honey.

Do you people have any idea

what this kind of mindless labor does to a person?

It kills your soul.

It turns your mind into jelly

and it crushes your spirit to dust.

Oh, Craig called. He wants you there tomorrow at 7:00 instead of 8:00.

Oh, and can you keep it down when you get up in the morning?

I'm sleeping in.

So, Malcolm, word on the street is

your father wigged out at work.

What?

Did he really set his desk on fire and dance around it?

I heard it was a lovers' quarrel

with the cleaning lady.

That's crazy.

Where are you guys hearing all this stuff?

My dad's fine.

He's just taking some time off from work

because he hates his job.

You know, it's actually kind of got me thinking.

What am I going to do when I grow up?

(Krelboynes gasping)

You mean you don't have a plan in place?

No.

That's okay, Malcolm.

I mean, it's not too...

Excuse me, allergies.

You guys already have your careers planned?

You don't just luck into

running a particle accelerator, you know.

With my intelligence...

and tokenism...

the sky's...

the limit.

(groans)

(groans)

Okay.

How many is that?

Oobin keitch.

Write it down.

That's a number?

Where are you from?

Red alert! Everyone gather 'round.

People, my sources tell me that downtown found

some Rain Man-type human calculator

at a homeless shelter.

Now, I hear he's prone to tantrums,

but we can't count on that.

So I'm going to need everyone to work late tonight.

Oh, Francis?

The loose candy bin count looks a bit hinky to me.

I want you to double-check the malt balls.

Should I start with the 40 in your belly?

I heard that

and I'm paying for those.

Things are starting to get really strange around here.

It's Dad, he's so... happy.

Mmm, this meat loaf is incredible.

New recipe?

Same as it's always been.

Oh, come on, something's different.

I can tell.

Oh, actually, you know what?

I was out of tomato paste, and I used

ketchup instead. Uh-huh, see? I could taste it.

It's good, isn't it, kiddo?

What's the matter, son?

A girl at school called me "Ewey Dewey."

This is the same girl who puts

paste in your hair all the time, isn't it?

Mm-hmm, well, you know, she's just doing this because

she likes you. It's her way of getting your attention.

So she doesn't think I'm ewey?

No, of course not.

He's right. Hmm.

Hey, Dad? Hmm.

I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with.

There's this girl who's... I suggest

that you leave her alone

before she calls the police on you.

Okay, thanks.

What's wrong?

What do you mean?

Well, I noticed you looking at me.

Nothing.

See? It's creepy.

You know, Hal, I got to admit it.

Not working has really been good for you.

You seem so much happier,

so much more attentive, tuned in to the boys.

Hal...

My God, you're beautiful.

CRAIG: Okay, team, you did a great job yesterday.

Unfortunately, I lost all the numbers.

I think I accidentally mailed them to my mom.

(all groaning)

Yeah, so... whoops.

So why don't you guys start recounting?

I'm going to head to the downtown store

and play a little "defense," if you know what I'm saying.

Uh... Garkech, you're in charge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... you're putting him in charge?

He doesn't speak English.

We don't even know if Garkech is really his name.

We don't know that it's not.

Besides, he hasn't questioned every decision I've made.

That's because he can't.

And what happened to our lunch break?

CRAIG: I can't hear you.

Thought you might be ready for some aspirin.

I'm working for a moron.

Of course you are, honey.

Your boss is an idiot,

your coworkers are incompetent,

and you are underappreciated.

Welcome to the working world.

How do people do it?

Well, let's see...

If you want to eat, sleep indoors,

you know, those kinds of luxuries,

you really don't have much of a choice.

What about Dad? He had a choice.

Every 20 years, you're allowed a two-week breakdown.

Oh, I can't wait.

(whispering)

He says, "Get back to work!"

I really appreciate

your letting me take this vocational exam.

I know it's generally for older kids.

I just felt like I really needed some help.

I don't want to make a wrong decision.

Well... did you get the test results?

Oh, yes.

What did they say I should do?

Well... according to this...

absolutely anything you want.

What?

Yeah, you-you scored

equally excellent in all areas.

According to this test,

there isn't a career on the planet

you wouldn't be great at.

Congratulations.

Well, that... that doesn't exactly clarify anything.

I-I was kind of hoping...

You know, kid, there are a lot of people

who would kill to have both "professional golfer"

and "neurosurgeon" on their test results.

Yeah, but that doesn't help me.

I mean, how am I supposed to decide

if I don't have any parameters at all?

Well, boo-hoo for you, Mr. Unlimited Potential.

Let me wipe my tears for you on my plastic briefcase.

Does the test at least say what I might like?

Aside from exposing middle-aged underachievers

for the failures they are?

Nope.

Can I take the test again?

Uh... no.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to catch a bus

or I'll be late for my night job...

unless, of course, you'd like that, too.

*

*

Dad, what are you doing up? It's, like, 5:30 in the morning.

Ooh, wow. Really? 5:30?

Yeah, I should be getting to bed. What are you doing up?

I'm going to work. Maybe you remember it.

Oh, hey, Francis, can I borrow 20 bucks?

I need to buy some more paint.

What? You just bought, like, six cans of paint yesterday.

What happened to that?

I used it. Man, what are you grilling me for?

How can you use six cans of paint in one day?

Francis, please, I really need it.

I'm so close.

It's almost right.

Do you have any idea how hard I have to work to make $20?

All right. All right!

I didn't ask for a lecture.

Hey, Dad, can we ask you for some advice?

The girl who's been bugging Dewey

still won't leave him alone.

Now she's calling me Dewey Dwarf.

I told him-- you've got to fight fire with fire

and he should come up with some really raunchy nickname for her

and spread it around school and church and stuff.

You know, really get it out there.

Uh, yeah, good for you, boys.

So the name thing?

You're on board with that?

All right, let's get to work.

What's that girl's name again?

Regina Tucker.

Don't worry. We'll think of something.

Another day of crap.

Damn catalogs.

Idiot foreman.

(bus pulls up)

Watch your step.

Whatever.

So tired.

(gasping and panting)

(anguished cry)

Hal, it's past midnight.

Are you coming to bed?

No! How can I go to bed?

It's nothing what it should be.

Honey, this is your dream.

It's supposed to be fun.

What are you talking about, fun?

This isn't fun.

This is driving me crazy!

I just... I-I-I can't get it right.

Well, you don't have to finish it.

Look at you! You're killing yourself.

One more day. That's all.

I just need one more day!

(paint cans clattering)

Hal, there has got to be, like, 500 gallons of paint up there.

There isn't...

Yeah, that's about right.

Well... it's over.

I just got the word.

Downtown finished their inventory.

We've lost.

Chelooz marak!

I think Garkech speaks for all of us.

I'll be in the cookie aisle.

Well, I say we just make up

the rest of the numbers and go home.

Wait a minute, go home?

Weren't you listening? We lost.

I just spent my entire spring break

counting flip-flops and Vagisil.

You're saying that was all for nothing?

Yes.

Do you know how many parties I missed this week?

How many spring break debaucheries I could've been at?

How many drunken sorority girls ripped their tops off

without me there to yell encouragement?

You can't tell me that was for nothing!

We can't quit!

Come on, guys. We took on a challenge.

I'm staying until this is done the right way.

Who's with me?

Why aren't you translating?

There's no point, but please go on.

That's it.

Ah.

Okay, see you.

All right, now, keep them closed.

Come on.

You've all been very patient.

I appreciate that.

You've been waiting a long time, so...

Here it is.

It's...

Yeah.

You're finished?

Yeah. It's perfect!

I mean, it's exactly how I imagined it.

Then... look at it.

What?

Look at your painting.

Oh, I can see it.

Hal, I want you to look at that painting

and tell me that you're satisfied with it.

(yells in frustration)

I knew it! You are not finished.

I can't do it, Lois.

It is driving me crazy.

I have been slapping on paint

day after day and I've got nothing!

And I'm never going to get it right

so I might as well just forget it.

Oh, you listen to me, Hal.

You are not going back to work

until you get this out of your system.

No!

You don't understand.

It is no use!

You are not giving up.

You are going to stay right here until you are finished.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I'm not going to go through this every five years

when you decide that there's a sculpture

or a fountain or God knows what

it is you still have to build.

You are going to finish it!

Fine! You want them

to see me finish it, I'll finish it.

I'll put a little bit here, huh?

How about there? How about there?!

And...

Oh... oh...

And...

here...

And...

Awesome!

I don't believe it.

That's it. That's what was in my head.

FRANCIS: I've had it!

Everyone at that place are a bunch of slacker, lazy...

Oh, wow...

Wow!

Hal, I am so proud of you.

I did it.

I really did it.

(ripping sound)

What's that sound?

I don't know.

It sounds like...

Look out! Paint-alanche!

LOIS: Hal! (Hal yelling)

(muffled): Mime mokay! Mime mokay!

Oh, honey, I got to go. Bye.

Francis, come on, I'll drive you to the bus station.

Hey, vacation's over, mister.

Time to get back to the old grindstone. Let's go.

(Francis groaning)

You know, all this made me realize,

why plan for my future when it's just going to end up

with a giant wall of paint crashing down on me?

I'm just going to enjoy being a kid for a while.

There's a lot of good things about being a kid.

Ow!

That's for stepping on my side of the room.

No pressures, no responsibilities.

Malcolm, how many times

do I have to tell you to make up your bed?

You are going to make up all of our beds for a month

starting now.

I think I'm smart enough to know when I got it good.