Original subtitles

[HIP HOP MUSIC]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

♪ It's been a while ♪

Man, I feel good today, Silent Bob,

it's time to get back to work as New Jersey's

number one unlicensed gorilla weed merchants,

before all those bullshit legalised

dispensaries started opening.

Man, how the fuck do they expect a pair of hapless

motherfuckers like us to make a living

in this new enlightened world?

The selling days are over for low-level suburban

weed rackers like us, Lunchbox,

so you and me, we're gonna have to figure out

a new line of work for ourselves.

But we gotta start thinking about the future.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

But before we do that,

how's about a little trip to the past, fat ass?

Yo, baby, ever have your asshole licked

by a fat man in an overcoat?

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[EXPLOSION BOOMING]

Now what the fuck is this shit?

Hold your fucking horses,

you bossy fuck, we're getting there.

I am the guardian of this sector of the galaxy,

I am an extraterrestrial and fatally wounded,

battling to save your planet

from those who would seek to enslave you.

You must take this ring, become the new guardians,

take up where I left off.

You must be, you must be--

Be good, Elliot.

Yo, that shit's from ET, son.

[ALIEN GROANS]

- Heroes, save the fucking-- [GROANS]

Touch my penis.

Please, you must blow into my penis for me to live.

I'm begging you, blow into my penis or I will die.

Put it in your mouth, just the tip,

if you put my penis in your mouth, I shall live,

if not, you are doomed.

[GROANS]

[ALIEN FARTS]

Oh my god, it's dead, Silent Bob,

fuckin' ew, I touched a dead thing, ew, dude,

ew, get it off!

Get if off of me, get it off of me, I'm corroded!

[SPITS]

Ew, dude, fuck.

I gotta wash this off, dude, let's find a bathroom.

Fuckin' weird dead guy all touchin' me and shit.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Alright, there's a bathroom in here, yo,

I just hope they let me back in after last time,

you know, when I wrote my name in poop on the stall wall,

remember that shit?

[WATER RUSHING]

Look, I swear, if that dead guy gave me some disease,

I'm gonna kill that fuck.

Oh, look at little balls here,

he's got public piss syndrome.

Look, just go use the fuckin' stall toilet

like a little bitch, alright?

I wanna get outta here sometime this week,

you big girl's blouse.

I can see your baby junk, you big fat fuck.

What, dude?

I didn't write it.

Look, man, it ain't my fault word's out

that you give good blowjobs, alright?

Bong-schnoogans.

Yo, let's piss on the roll of toilet paper

so it blows up real fat like.

[PEE SPLASHING]

Oh man, sounds like something blew up, sir.

[GROANING]

Whatever you did in here, can you do it again?

We missed it.

I was just here taking pictures

and there was an explosion.

No shit, I was taking a leak in the bathroom

and the explosion made me miss the bowl

and I hit the frickin' toilet paper roll.

Are you a science guy like--

My name's Peter--

Whatever man, look, if a dead guy touched me,

can I catch somethin' from him?

Oh, I'm not sure, I--

You fuckin' science guys are all alike, man.

No fuckin' answers for nothin'.

Never workin' on something for the betterment of mankind

like the flying fucking car like on the Jetsons.

Better yet, make a Rosie man, like the kind that cleans

the house and would call me Mr. Jay.

[CRUNCHING]

Yo this place gots bugs, sir.

Let's get the fuck outa here,

and small fry the science guy,

get to work on that sex Rosie, would ya?

Make sure you give her big fat lips, too.

And programme her to do anal.

Look man, I'm getting a weird feeling Silent Bob,

like the universe is tryin' to tell us something, sir.

You know, like we're supposed to do something.

Something important.

Something heroic.

One fuckin' side, Methuselah.

Fuckin' old timers think they

own the streets and shit, right?

[HORN BLOWING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You little Ben Affleck fuck.

Push me and Silent Bob, will ya?

Hey remember kids, mutant turtles are from Earth,

not from outer space, Michael Bay.

[GROANING]

Who do these punk kids think they are, sir?

Where's the respect for their elders,

punk ass little bitch tried to sucker punch us.

That's the problem with this city, sir,

crime is everywhere.

What this burg needs is a protector, or two even.

Someone you know, someone who will take back

the night from the criminal element.

You know, someone like, hey look at this shit!

MAN: Voluntary Drug Testing, help out Uncle Sam

in his never ending battle against the kaiser by signing up

for the testing of a new drug that may aid

in the war against this nation's enemies.

All volunteers get a free $5 bill.

Holy shit, Silent Bob.

You know what this means, don't you?

Free drugs.

Yeah, boy.

After our rigorous elimination trials,

these two patriotic gentlemen have emerged as the prime

candidates for the testing of our new super solider serum.

Son, I cannot tell you how proud we all are of you boys.

You're doin' a great thing here today.

A great thing.

If the Doc's serum works as good as he's explain it will,

we'll suit you up in a costume,

give you an impenetrable shield made of the toughest element

known to man, and send you out

to fight this nation's enemies.

Did you hear that, Silent Bob?

We're getting shields.

All right, gentlemen, if you'll just lie down

on the table we can proceed with the injection

of the super soldier serum.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, injection?

Dude we don't skin pop sir.

What do we look like, some fuckin' junkies or something?

But, how else did you think we were going

to get the serum into your blood streams.

We thought we were gonna smoke it like weed and shit.

Oh, well the compound is too volatile

for anything other than injection.

Igniting it would be lethal.

I'm afraid it's the injection or nothing.

Well look then, it's fucking nothin' man.

No needles or glass pipes, sir.

Oh, but you're both already severe drug abusers.

Look, we're stoners man.

We get lit, we don't shoot shit.

There's a subtle difference.

Losers are users and users are losers man.

We just sayin' no yo.

Later for you, you fuckin' dope fiends.

And where's our free $5?

Look at you man, I can't believe you wasted

your free five bucks on scratch off tickets.

Man, why didn't you buy something useful you dumb fat fuck.

Like me, look, I bought smokes, papers and a soda.

We coulda doubled that order if you didn't waste

your green backs on that pie in the sky bullshit.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[BELCHING]

What now man?

Fuck you if you think I'm gonna apologise

for calling you a fat fuck.

You've been bulging outa that coat lately man.

What, this?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Oh my God dude, we're rich.

Woo hoo, we are rich.

Hey!

Dude, I know just what we can do

with all this fat cash, yo.

A dream, we'd never been able to realise

if we hadn't won't his cash just now.

Let's become super heroes.

First we'll need a secret base.

You know, a big ass hole in the ground where we can change

into our outfits and plot out various super heroics

against a fucking criminal element.

And once we've fashioned a secret entrance we're gonna need

a sweet ass, specially designed mother fucker of a car with

trick buttons, gadgets, and a kickin' sound system.

[EXPLOSION BOOMING]

Then, you can cook up some of those doohickeys

we can use in our two man war on crime.

Especially the blunt sabre.

Turn it off, turn it off.

I am not even supposed to be here today.

We gotta work on the height problem, sir.

Now that we're done with all that shit, we just need a name.

You know, somethin' we can use to strike fear into

the criminal hearts of our enemies.

Criminals are cowardly and super st, they're super st,

you know criminals are fuckin' pussies, man.

We need costumes and a schtick

that'll scare the fuck outa 'em, sir.

But what?

[WINDOW SHATTERING]

[COUGHING]

I've got it, lunchbox.

Now we just need some fuckin' super villains.

Oh snap, son.

Imagine if suddenly some pimped out mother fuckers like me

and you were to bust in through the window and say,

hi, I notice there's not fat set of nuts around here,

and at that point they're so horned up

they can't refuse even a portly fuck like yourself.

That's why this super hero gig is so fuckin' sweet sir.

We can run around on rooftops peepin' in on the women,

nobody says dick 'cause of these spiffy suits.

I mean, everybody knows that all any man hater needs

is the right guy to remind her how essential a steady diet

of big-ass balls is to a growing girl, right?

[CHUCKLING]

Kids, screen writing, Kevin Smith to remind you

that ain't me talkin' stupid shit.

That's the character Jay espousing his own dopey,

unenlightened views and that doesn't represent

how I feel about lesbians at all.

In fact, if anything, I identify with lesbians.

I too love the pussy, and like a lesbian,

I have no dick to speak of.

So in short, I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.

And now back to the great space coaster.

MAN: It's Jay and Silent Bill ya jerk.

Sorry, back to Jay and Silly Bob super loony,

whatever the fuck.

Well look at us, Lunchbox, if we ain't the right guys,

then who the fuck is?

[MOANING]

all right, the lines secure.

When I get over there I'll throw the shit back for you,

Lunchbox, and you swing your fat ass over too.

Then we can get in there and watch a little ass to ass.

Between them you fuckin' felture, not between us.

Ew, dude.

You thought I meant I wanted to ride tandem

with your blubbery ass on a double dong.

All requiem for a dream and shit, didn't you?

I bet your shit even got a little hard

thinkin' about it, didn't it?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ I'm gonna get some pussy ♪

♪ I'm gonna get some pussy ♪

♪ I'm gonna get some pu-- ♪

[SHOUTING]

[GUN BANGING]

Everybody down.

[SCREAMING]

Will no one put an end to this villains antisocial antics?

Holy shit, talk about irony.

Who are you guys?

Who us?

Look, well he's Bluntman and I'm--

The Bluntman saved us from that bank robber.

Hail Bluntman, saviour of the city.

Hey man, now wait a second.

Bluntman didn't knock that mother fucker out, all right?

This thing did.

The rope and dildo thingy.

ALL: Hooray for Bluntman, he fell down that mother fucker

with the blunt rope and dildo thing.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay little girl, say cheese.

Sweet mother of Jesus, why does he get all the credit.

What about me, Chronic?

You're obviously just his sidekick, little kid.

Why the fuck do you think I'm his sidekick?

How do you know he's not my sidekick?

Well, besides the hat?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ This town is full of savages ♪

♪ With their fuckin' gun control ♪

♪ I gotta rip their heads off ♪

♪ And take their fuckin' soul ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, like that one time at the mall ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, faster than Walt Flanagan's dog ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, got the gadgets and the puns ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, in their hands they'll spark a blunt ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, mother fuckers get get fuck out ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, save the day now bring the jugs out ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, in the shadows kickin' booty ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, eating sausage, saving and cuties ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, will these criminals never cease ♪

♪ Bluntman and Chronic, on the headset peice ♪

♪ Ladies want the Blunt ♪

♪ 'Cause they like they like the stretchy cap ♪

♪ Chronic, just you wanna, wears a bonnet, gets a slap ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ It was on the Jersey Shore on a local loading dock ♪

♪ When the duo was besieged by robots holding cocks ♪

♪ Waste the dollars what you spend ♪

♪ On your army of angry androids ♪

♪ They'll fuckin' kill all this fucks ♪

♪ Like it's just at truck of fan boys ♪

♪ Another battle overran, another war is won ♪

♪ If they start feelin' sober just hand over all your blunts ♪

♪ Bluntman and the Chronic like to chill out after winnin' ♪

♪ Let their fuckin' balls hang ♪

♪ Smoke a spliff and get to grinnin' ♪

♪ Villains think they're ill and while we're chillin' ♪

♪ So please fuck off ♪

♪ You think your mask is badass ♪

♪ Are you chokin' on a cough drop ♪

♪ If you try to fuck us up we'll just let you know you suck ♪

♪ You talk just like a butt ♪

♪ You're not scary, just say what ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman, Bluntman and Chronic ♪

♪ Bluntman ♪

To the blunt poles.

[THUDDING]

Masters Jay and Bob, the blunt signals been ignited.

No shit, Sherlock.

Well, that means there's trouble in Red Bank.

Wait, why the fuck do you think we're down here?

We're hiding out, dumb ass.

Look, we're too tired to fight bad guys tonight.

As the sworn protectors of the Tri-Town area,

I believe suiting up would be in order, sirs.

Fuck you, you wanna save

the town from some fuckin' Halloween costume?

You put on the tights,

but get me a soda before you leave, all right?

And order us a pizza, you butler fuck.

Put on your fucking costumes and get out there.

Fucking kids.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[FARTING]

Oh what, it's for the ladies.

You got your costume, I got mine.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Nooch!

Welcome everyone to the Thursday

night group therapy session.

What would we like to talk about first?

Bluntman and Chronic.

Bluntman and Chronic, yeah.

Bluntman and that bitch ass mother fucker, Chronic.

Hey kids, trustworthy Kev Smith here.

Right about now I know you're all expectin'

to hear Mark Hamills voice and that woulda been awesome.

But this here is a Kevin Smith joint, a cartoon from the guy

who made Jersey Girl and Cop Out, that means you gotta

expect some kinda level of disappointment.

Just like being in bed with me man,

I start strong and I finish weak.

End in tears, and sometimes I'm wearin'

a dress and a butt plug.

But I'd rather light a candle than curse the darkness.

So, as is the late motif of my entire career,

I'm turning disappointment into opportunity,

which means that an effort to reach out

to the ever burgeoning Broney market,

and Jay and Silent Bob Super Groovy Cartoon Movie,

the roll of Cocknocker will be voiced by non other than that

girl of 1,000 voices, the little lady who'll put the sparkle

into any twilight and the power into any puff, Tara Strong.

Bluntman and Chronic.

Not again.

Fine.

We'll talk about Bluntman and Chronic.

Who would like to start?

Oh, oh, pick me, Doc.

Pick me, ah.

Richard.

Nobody calls me that anymore, Doc.

Not since Bluntman and Chronic made the oversized

circumcised scoundrel I am today.

The name's Dick Head, Dick Head.

Now look what you've done.

Clean it up, Richard.

Sorry, Doc.

I guess old Dick Head blew his top, huh?

What have I been telling you for weeks now, Richard?

If we think of ourselves as Dick Head,

then the road to rehabilitation is twice as treacherous.

We must divorce ourselves from our nod to crime

and work toward a better tomorrow.

Now, you were saying you blame Hempknight

and his young ward for your life in crime.

If it weren't for those two do-gooders,

I wouldn't be the bulbous boner you see before you today.

Take us back then, Richard.

Help us and you to understand.

RICHARD: I guess it all started when I was born.

Push Mrs. Head, push.

Here we go, the baby's crowning.

And it's out.

Congratulations Mr. And Mrs. Head

you've got yourselves a baby girl.

RICHARD: But the doctor was off by a gender.

If the doctor would've checked closer

he would've noticed I was all man.

I was able to keep my tiny shame a secret for decades,

but when I went to high school,

the mean boys made shower time

I burden I could barely carry.

Look at him, cock's the size of a raisin.

He's so puny, he looks like woman.

Yeah, that ain't no dick, that's a pussy.

ALL: Plug it up, plug it up, plug it up.

I was faced with that same

type of cruelty after every gym class.

When I couldn't stand being the laughing stock

of the school any longer, I dropped out.

What followed was a series of menial jobs.

You wan to bovine size those fries?

It was spirit crushing work

that reminded me that big dicks get all the breaks.

Yes, I am licking your balls, hard.

I'd accepted the fact that my life was destined

to be as small as my wiener.

[MOANING]

Huh?

And that's when I saw the ad that would change me forever.

WOMAN: Soups on.

WOMAN: With a prick that huge, he's gotta be smart.

WOMAN: Marry me.

MAN: Guys, do you want that massive manhood

only seen in porno's and on gay webpages?

Then take GIAGRA, the chemically safe route

to penis enlargement that has the FDA so amazed they

haven't scooped their jaws off the floor

long enough to give it it's approval.

Call now, 1-800-BIG-ASS-COCK.

Final O, C, and K not necessary for dialling.

Sexy operators are standing by.

RICHARD: It seemed like the answers to all my prayers.

The directions said to drink a quarter ounce a day.

But I figured in my case the directions didn't apply.

[SCREAMING]

Suddenly, something happened and that something was nothing.

Even after downing the whole bottle,

my little man had grown no taller.

Sure, I was suffering from heart palpitation

and my vision was a bit blurry, but aside from that, zip.

No results what so ever.

Then it hit me, I knew what was wrong.

I didn't drink enough.

I called the company to re-order

but all I got was a message.

MAN: Thank you for calling Dopeco, home of GIAGRA.

Unfortunately the FDA has raised a number of issues about

the questionable nature of our wonder drug,

so we're closed pending further investigation.

Good bye.

RICHARD: I didn't know what to do.

I'd found the cure for my unfortunate condition,

but the government was conspiring against me and my teeny

weeny peeny, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I would not be denied.

I was like a modern day Ponce de Leon,

and I'd found my fountain of youth.

But just as I was preparing to ingest as much GIAGRA

as it would take to enlarge my fortune, they showed up.

Their arrival spelled the end of my life as I know it.

Do you hear something?

Nah, me neither.

Now let's find this shit and get outa here.

Oh what, just 'cause we're fuckin' super heroes,

now we're supposed to obey every law?

Yo, this ad says that GIAGRA shit makes your dick huge, sir.

How am I supposed to pass that up?

Yeah, not like I need this stuff.

I mean, I've got a babies arm holding

an apple between my legs.

You know what I'm sayin'?

It's just that it can never be too big, you know?

For the ladies and shit.

And why the hell should I pay for it like some

no dick weenie when I can bust in here vigilante style

and grab a little taste for myself.

Besides, it's not like anyone

is gonna ever know we were here.

[EXPLOSION BOOMING]

What the fuck!

Holy shit.

[GROANING]

See, I told you that stuff works.

You did this to me.

You made me the monstrosity that now stand before you.

As God as my witness, I will have my revenge,

as your new sworn enemy, Dick Head.

You think he was talkin' to us?

And ever since then, I've spent every waking hour

trying to destroy Bluntman and Chronic.

Uh, if I received that story in a humorous blind copied

email I still wouldn't believe it.

It's ridiculous.

Oh yeah, nerd turd?

Let's hear your sorry story.

Fine, get outa my face, I'll consider it.

But I guarantee this one thing, it will put a on your faces.

Now newsgroup, what have I told you

about speaking in emoticons?

Is that how we rehabilitate ourselves?

Sorry, Doc, relax.

Old habits are hard to break, it's just a emoticon,

it's not a crack habit, okay?

See, I've always loved comics.

Back in the day the adventures of heroes and villains

dressed in gaudy costumes, they were my only relief

from the tensions and pressures

of the so-called real world as it were.

[THUDDING]

Did you see that baby?

Did you see me give it to that comics nerd?

Who does he think he is all readin' and shit.

The way you mistreat people who don't have

the same myopic views of the world, so turns me on, Travis.

Then let's go home and bone, baby.

You own my maidenhood, Travis.

My latest issue of Not-You Man, ruined.

Oh the agony.

Such was the way it was.

I didn't always fit in.

Socially I might have been

a little awkward if you can believe it.

A misfit of sorts, but that all changed

once I discovered the internet.

Wow, this comic really spoke to me.

I feel the characters is alienated as I am.

He and I both are truth seers

in a world full of filthy liars.

On the letters page I found there was an internet address

where I could contact the author.

So I went to an internet cafe and logged on to the website.

Are you gonna order anything or not?

Madam please, I'm surfing the web here.

A little space.

Thanks.

God, this internet cafe, it's not a cafe, cafe, bitch.

I found a message board to post on and went to work.

Hi, anyone here love comics, live with their parents still,

and think everything sucks?

[BEEPING]

And for the first time in my god forsaken life

I felt like I belonged somewhere.

I'd come home.

I'd convinced my fool-hearted parents

I needed a computer, so I got one.

And you promise you're gonna

use this to get a job and move out, right?

I mean, you are 28.

Out mother, out.

I need to hurl my POV into the cyber void.

Christ, and I thought you were a lost cause

when you were just reading those funny books, dick.

They're graphic novels, mother.

Does anyone else have a mother who refers

to their comics as funny books?

Imbecilic woman from who's whom I burst.

There's nothing funny about tales of costumed avengers.

But one day, my fragile new world

was threatened by my own idiocy.

LLOYD: Whoa, Newsgroup.

Did you just admit to reading a superhero comic?

Nobody here reads those silly screeds anymore.

It's all about anime now.

What had I done?

I'd shoved my foot in my mouth in the midst

of my new found friends simply by being myself.

That's what I'd done.

There was only one thing I could do to make them appreciate

me for who I really was: change completely.

I was merely joking.

I never read superhero comics, please.

LLOYD: Oh, I don't know, Newsgroup.

You sure had sounded serious.

I'm not so sure this is the message board for your kind.

[SCREAMING]

NEWSGROUP: I felt my brave new world

slipping away from me.

What can I do to prove my worthiness?

Please, tell me, I'll do anything.

LLOYD: Anything?

The quest I was charged with was not a simple one.

They wanted me to break into Dense Continuity Comics

and pulp all copies of their latest issues

as a statement against all superhero comics.

But just as I was about to simultaneously pulp a pile

of superhero comics and post about

it right there while It happened, they showed up.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

No!

Their arrival was that most sour of emoticons.

You hear something?

Nah, me neither.

Now let's pick up our comics and get outa here.

Oh what man?

What's the use of being superheros if we can't use our

powers and abilities to get our books early and for free?

[EXPLOSION BOOMING]

Deja fuckin' vu, right?

Look what you've done to me.

Look at the freak I've become.

That acid permanently embedded this into my chest.

Yo, why to state the obvious, jackass.

You made me the monstrosity that now stands

before you, and as God as my witness,

I will have revenge as your new sworn enemy, Newsgroup.

You know, I bet if I tripped a guy like that

in front some chick, I could get some mad pussy.

From that day forward I've made the demise

of Bluntman and Chronic the whole focus of my life.

Send.

Sad face, winky face, happy face.

Yes, well, does anyone have a story about their hate for

Bluntman and Chronic that doesn't involve a vat of acid?

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Well, I do.

You baby, ever have your asshole licked

by a fat man in an overcoat?

[GROANING]

And ever since that day, I've vowed to destroy them.

Wait a second.

You're not a doctor?

Are you saying--

That you're--

A super villainess.

Call me Lipstick Lesbian,

scourge of all men particularly Bluntman and Chronic.

Come my brothers, join me and together we will destroy

our common enemies Bluntman and Chronic.

OFFICER: Scumbags, freeze.

[THUDDING]

[GAGGING]

[SPLASHING]

[THUDDING]

[FARTING]

We're coming for ya Bluntman and Chronic.

Wherever you are, The League of Shitters will find you.

[URINE]

Yo look at that shit blow up.

Keep pissin', boy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yo, you wanna get in on some of this action, Albert?

Cross the streams with me and Silent Bob?

Hardly, sir.

This arrived for you gentleman, bung.

What the fuck's this?

Fan mail from some flounder?

Apparently Red Bank aims to honour master Bluntman with

the key to the city as a thanks

for your tireless efforts in crime fighting.

What if they could see you now.

Fuck that boring ass shit.

Tell 'em to shove the key up their asses.

Yo let's piss on this and see if it blows up.

Need I point out that there will be admirers

of the distaff order in attendance, sirs.

In the preferred parlance then, pussy.

Why Albert you dirty old tea bagger.

You lookin' to get some of our sloppy seconds, ain't ya?

I take it I can RSVP then.

Look, if we bring home some bitches

you can RSVP 'em and DP 'em.

bung.

Yes sir, bung.

[CROWD CHEERING]

And so as a thanks for the never ending battle against

an array of super villains who never seem to exist prior

to their emersions, Red Bank offers Bluntman.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sorry, Red Banks offers Bluntman

and his sidekick this ceremonial key to the city.

Yo, any ladies out there wanna

get butt fucked by a super hero?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Yeah, well, this ends the dedication ceremony proper,

but one and all are welcome to enjoy

our day long Bluntman Day festivities,

culminating at tonight's big parade.

MAN: You guys are big, fat dicks.

What?

It was an honest question.

- And I have an honest answer.

I'm aching to get butt fucked by a super hero.

Easy tiger.

Let's build toward it first.

- Holy shit, you mean you wanna go steady before we fuck?

All right.

Will you be my girlfriend oh anal inclined vixen?

- Not that kinda building, stud.

I'm talking foreplay.

Like a little show for my big strong caped crusaders.

[THUDDING]

Holy shit Bluntman you've been dick smacked.

What's up?

- Remember me, boy blunter?

No, and I think I'd remember a guy with a giant fist, sir.

Who the fuck are you?

- I'm Cocknocker.

- Why do they call you Cocknocker?

[THUDDING]

- Load 'em up boys and let's spring

our deathtrap back at their secret lair.

- Tell my sinister siren of sappo,

how will our little League of Shitters

locate the lair of the Kushed Crusaders.

Nobody's ever been able to find their inferno fortress,

their beloved Blunt Cave.

Do you have some kind of high-tech geographically correct

golly whiz gizmo in your scrutility belt that can

positively pinpoint the fucker's fortress?

- MAN: Return to Blunt Cave.

Go west on Broad Street .05 miles.

Remember kids, always clear your GPS settings

and previous addresses.

You don't want any criminals showin' up at your front door.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

MAN: You have arrived at your destination.

- This is their secret layer?

This is where they hangout when they're in their

secret identities, so it must be somewhere around here.

Diddler, Newsgroup, search the front of the store

for a hidden lever or something.

Man, I can't even believe this shit right now.

I'm a straight up too legit to quit costumed super villain,

but oh shit, I still got some giant

dickhead bossing me around on the job.

The way this bitch keeps tellin' my black ass what to do,

I might as well kept on working at Southwest Airlines.

- What is that?

- Click it and see.

[BEEPING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- Mother fucker.

- Click it again, click it again!

- Holy shit, you killed Newsgroup.

Big deal, that's just one less loser posting hate screams

about movies at Ain't It Cool News.

Good point.

True that.

But we got a real problem on our hands:

you killed Diddler.

He was our only black character.

- Jesus Christ.

- Dammit.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

- What, what, what, what happened?

Where am I?

Ew, dude.

- RICHARD: Time to wake and bake.

Marvelling marry menage of masked marauders

as me massacre the marijuana marinated men of mystery

with my machine manufactured to murder their mellow.

That's some awful alliteration, ain't it?

Awful, best belies the criminally conceived eerily ironic

and diabolically drolled deathtrap

you're now anchored inside of.

- Yeah, the League of Shitters

has imprisoned and your young ward in a giant bong.

[LAUGHING]

Aw, isn't this a most absolutely original

and herbally ironic end for the clobbering cannabinoids.

- Hey, this ain't original.

You stole this idea from the Bob

and Doug McKenzie movie Strange Brew.

- Yes.

- The irony still stands.

- Oh yeah?

Well I bet there was one thing you fucks didn't plan on,

our faithful Bluntcave man servant.

Get 'em Albert.

[VIBRATING]

Yo, look at this useless old fool, man.

I knew we shoulda gotten a robot maid instead.

At least she woulda blown us.

When we last met, you asked if I'd ever had my asshole

licked by a fat man in an overcoat.

[THUDDING]

Now, you two assholes are gonna be licked permanently.

No wait, so you're not gonna really

butt fuck me and Silent Bob?

I mean, I mean me and Bluntman.

Sorry, sirs, she was sweatin' me.

On the contrary my foul mouthed little friend.

I'm fucking you hard.

- Looking for these, Hempknight?

Try getting out of this terrifying

trap without your legendary utility belts.

I'd bring them with us,

but they wreak of sperm caked with kief.

Yo, sperm caked with kief was my nickname in third grade.

- We'd stay to watch you drown,

but there's a city to pillage.

So long, caped cocknockers.

- Excuse me?

- Sorry.

Goodbye, dick headed duo.

- Hey.

- Jesus.

Let's just go.

- What the fuck, man?

Aren't you at least gonna throw some weed up

into this mother fucker?

- Ha.

- So, is that a no?

Man, ain't this some fucked up shit?

Drowning in a giant water bong.

Did you ever think you'd die like this?

You know, seeing how we're about to die an all,

and nobody's around, maybe it wouldn't be gay

if we gave each other handies.

Look, I'm gonna think about fuckin' the lady from Castle.

You're probably gonna think about fuckin' Castle, nooch.

Uh, this ain't what it looks like.

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

Albert, you saved us.

[GROANING]

It's the duty of a gentleman's gentleman, sir.

- He said duty.

We've gotta get you to a hospital Albert.

I'm afraid it's too late for me, masters Bluntman

and Chronic, but it's not too late

for you to save your beloved city.

You're right, if we don't act fast the League of Shitters

will fuck up hundreds of innocent

chicks we could be fuckin'.

Before you leave, might I make one small request?

Anything for you, Albert.

Since I'm going to expire, and nobody's around,

will one of you give me a handy?

- Ew, dude.

- It was worth a shot.

[GROANING] [BELCHING]

- He's gone.

Don't you worry my dead gay friend,

we will avenge your gay death.

To the Blunt mobile.

That's fuckin' funny, sir.

To the Blunt mobile.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Can you believe the attitude on the ass clown in there?

Gah!

- Condescension on the counter

is what killed the video store.

- Yeah, fuck local businesses.

I'm joinin' Netflix up in here.

Aha!

- Yeah, hope you're not crushed about it.

Can't this piece of shit go any faster, fat ass?

Man, we are never gonna get to the parade in time, sir.

So we better get high instead.

[WHIRRING]

You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Snooch.

Holy shit, Bluntman, the League of Shitters

are using those giant parade balloons to gas the city.

Everyone watching the parade will be killed

if we don't do something.

Aw man, and now the auto-pilot's not workin'.

What do we do man, what do we do?

[WHIRRING]

Puff, puff, pass mother fuckers.

[GUN BANGING]

- The government's trying to kill us all.

- Tell 'em Steve Dave.

- What are we gonna do now, man?

I don't know if you heard me say it,

but the fuckin' auto-pilot's broke.

Bow to your masters, dirty criminal scum.

Bow to your masters.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Ut oh.

Uh, excuse me, is this Red Bank?

- This is Asbury Park.

The south side.

- JAY: Start the car, start the car

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[EXPLOSION BOOMING]

[THUDDING]

- That's right, fear the righteous wrath

of the rug munchers.

- You won't get away with this.

Bluntman and Chronic will save us.

- Bluntman and Chronic are dead.

This city belongs to the League of Shitters.

Yo, Ellen Degenerate this city's protected

by a real man of steel, and he's got a pocket full of

kryptonite he wants to stick up your Fortress of Solitude.

Snooch.

- They're alive.

- And making pop culture references.

And the little one has kryptonite is his pants.

- That's just a figure of speech.

- Oh yeah?

[GROANING]

I told you we shoulda stayed to watch them die.

But oh, no, the bad guys never stick around

to watch the good guys die, you said.

I'll never understand why I'm not in charge of this gang.

I'm the one with the giant fist.

- Then use it.

Kill the heroes.

- Yo, maybe we should make

that guy our new Bluntcave butler.

He gives a mean fuckin' handy.

Snoochie boochies.

Yo man, circumcise that unruly wiener.

[ZAPPING]

That shit never happened in Star Wars,

but it sure as fuck would've made

a Phantom Menace more interesting, snoogins.

Yo man, let's tweet that.

Hashtag hit Jar Jar with a car car.

Puss out!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I'll take the ritalin kid, you go after the fat one,

and don't cock it up.

Hear me now and believe me later, Bluntman.

Dick Head is coming, and soon he'll be coming

all over your face, neck and chest.

[GUSHING]

[GROANING]

[MUFFLED CHATTER]

- Do you have a gun?

Do yous guys have a gun?

Anyone have a gun, guns?

Guns, do you have any guns?

Guns, does anybody have a gun I can borrow.

Man, give me a hand here.

[CRASHING]

[EVIL LAUGHING]

- There's no where left to run, son.

Pucker up, buttercup because boy blunter,

Cocknocker's coming to wreck your rectum.

- My virgin asshole.

- Death by fisting.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How about you let me go if I suck your dick.

- What in blue blazes?

- Hear me out, sir.

I ain't never done it before,

but I bet I could suck a mean dick.

It only takes a three licks to get to the centre

of a tootsie pop, an owl taught me.

Look, just don't tell anybody, all right?

- I don't want you to blow me.

Did you ever think of that?

- What are you gay or something?

Your desperate deliberations are done, masked man.

Prepare to parish and the heavy hand

and gargantuan grasp Cocknocker.

- Oh, I get it.

You got a little dick.

- What's this now?

Yeah, I bet you got a little dick, and that's why you

don't wanna whip it out for the suckin' of the century.

- Yeah, right.

I'm hung like the jury.

I'm hung like the Mona Lisa in the Louvre.

Which is to say, expertly.

- Well they do say that a guy's got

a big dick if his hand is bigger than his face.

- Oh, is that right.

Well, let's just see.

Hinatugen.

Holy shit I did it, I took down the bad guy all by myself.

[THUDDING]

You know what, I was born to lead this team.

Fuckin' Bluntman can eat a dick.

Eat a whole bag of dicks,

'cause I'm the Tony Starkprano of this bitch now.

But wait, who's to say this big fisted fucked

won't come after me again when he wakes up?

[GUSHING]

See, that's how Batman should handle the Joker.

[THUDDING]

Plug it up, Lipstick Lesbian.

We're puttin' prison panties on your pussy party.

That was good, right?

I just thought that shit up right now, sir.

[CLICKING]

Mother fucker man, why don't we just carry guns, too?

Or at least some broken beer bottles.

Lord, I'm sorry for all the bad shit I'd done man,

and I'm even sorrier for most of the good shit I'd done too,

because what's good to me, Lord, might not be good to you.

You know what I'm sayin'?

The way that we used to say bad to mean good back

in the 80s, you know what I'm sayin'?

So here's my confession: one time, I stuck a toothbrush in

my ass when I jerked off and it was Silent Bob's toothbrush.

[GAGGING]

Goodbye forever, Silent Bob.

It's been an honour serving with your tubby butt.

[THUDDING]

- Why don't you pick on someone

your own cup size, Lipstick Lesbian.

Holy boner bringers Bluntman, it's Bluntgirl.

You're a disgrace to the distaff.

God, that voice is so stupid,

I'm gonna do it in my own voice from here on out.

You are a disgrace to the distaff, Lipstick Lesbian,

and I'm bringing you back to Bookem Asylum,

this time as an inmate.

Animal!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[THUDDING]

[MOANING]

Who are you sweet mystery lady?

Just a concerned citizen with a dream of justice,

who's also a huge fan of the Bluntman.

[SLAPPING]

Hi.

- What the fuck?

Him?

You could titty fuck the man for shit's sake,

and I oughta know.

- You're turning me on.

Yo, why the fuck are you settling for his pudgy fuckin'

penis when you could smoke some Chronic?

- Well, to be honest this Bluntgirl

persona's a bit new for me.

Before that I battled criminal scum under

a different alias all together.

The Chubby Chaser.

Oh, my God, I can't believe that

I'm really here in the legendary Balls of Justice.

What the fuck did you have to bring her back

to our secret base for, man?

This whack job only fucks fat guys.

Now that we've taken out the trash, when the mayor

gave you key to the city

I seem to recall an invitation to butt fuck.

- Holy shit, Silent Bob,

this crazy bitch wants a touchdown in brown town.

Me first, me first.

- Really, are you sure?

I wanna be Neil Armstrong up in that moon.

One small schtup for man is one giant schtup in the can.

Nooch.

Hey Bluntman, you mind if your sidekick here goes first?

Then let's get started, shall we?

I think you misunderstood, ow!

What I was saying.

Hey baby, you ever got your fat asshole licked

by a thin girl wearin' a unitard?

Woo!

- Yup, when Ben Affleck played Dare Devil.

Snoochie boochies.

- Does anybody have lube on 'em?

- BLUNTGIRL: Come here mother fucker.

[GROANING]

- JAY: Holy shit I just cummed.

[CHEERING]

Party people, your dreams are all about to come true,

all thanks to Jay the mother fuckin' snooch.

Ain't sharin' no credit with tubby Silent Bob,

'cause I'm the smart mother fucker

that gave this guy the end credits job.

So without further do-do,

here's my boy with the Star Wars toys.

M mother fuckin' C like a clit commander Chris.

Fuck 'em in the mouth, Chris.

♪ I ran ahead like hammer head 'cause head is what I'm after ♪

♪ I sag the boobs like snaggletooth ♪

♪ You bet the poopy bastard ♪

♪ Are two fingers that I'm after ♪

♪ So your questions are persistent ♪

♪ I had no idea you mattered ♪

♪ Didn't know that you existed ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Please tickle my testicles ♪

♪ You only write about bands that are featured in festivals ♪

♪ You hate what you ain't ♪

♪ 'Cause that it sounds like pet sounds ♪

♪ Wanna shut that shit down, fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ You only rap about hoes, at the fingers I throw ♪

♪ You don't condone my clothes or the t-shirt I chose ♪

♪ Just wanna sack these hoes like a maxi-ball ♪

♪ Don't attack me bro, look at my acne bro ♪

♪ Above two long snoots take a drag on this cannabis ♪

♪ Can't handle this hetero son, a little bit fabulous ♪

♪ Feel like my vengeance's high pitch ♪

♪ I can't listen to this ♪

♪ Piss in the wind if you can't listen to Chris ♪

- JAY: Sing it boy.

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Bitch, what you say ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ You consider it Jay ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Go south mother fucker, suck a dick ♪

♪ Like a trick, like a trucker ♪

- JAY: Fuck 'em in the mouth

♪ I said the moo moo titty ♪

♪ I fuck a boo boo kitty ♪

♪ My name is Chris don't miss, this kid's up on the clitty ♪

♪ The faster rap is spinning ♪

♪ The pussy's what I'm hitting ♪

♪ I punch it like a clock, my cock is barely fitting ♪

♪ Assholes are for shitting ♪

♪ They think they're all that ♪

♪ Let me see your breast pass, here's my ball sack ♪

♪ Lick the testicles to shaft and drain my cock of jizzum ♪

♪ Just pretend your trapped ♪

♪ Like it's your first night in prison ♪

♪ I like to smoke weed and I like to drink beer ♪

♪ Stop being mean then ask 'em to get clear ♪

♪ I hope you like chuggin' cock it's about to appear ♪

♪ Hope you like giant blasts that come shootin' our your ear ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ You cock then is empty ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Care to head the MC ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Spend a day in my shoes ♪

♪ You don't know what I'm about, you lose ♪

- JAY: Sing it boy.

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Your cock is then empty ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Care to head the MC ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Spend a day in my shoes ♪

♪ You don't know what I'm about, you lose ♪

CHRIS: What's that mother fucker?

What?

You try and talk trash?

JAY: Fuck 'em in the mouth

CHRIS: Oh well yeah, where's your cartoon movie, bitch?

JAY: Fuck 'em in the mouth, Chris

CHRIS: Oh, what's that, you don't have a cartoon movie?

Oh maybe 'cause you ain't got no initiative.

You need to get some initiative

and take an animation class, bitch.

JAY: Fuck 'em in the mouth.

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Your cock then is empty ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Care to head the MC ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Spend a day in my shoes ♪

♪ You don't know what I'm about, you lose ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Your cock then is empty ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Care to head the MC ♪

♪ Fuck a critic in the mouth ♪

♪ Spend a day in my shoes ♪

♪ You don't know what I'm about, you lose ♪

[WHISTLING]

- Yo, do you got any ice?

[GROANING]

With great power comes a massive pain in the asshole, sir.

This shit makes me wanna turn my back

on even being a super hero anymore

STAN: Never turn your back when

you can face front, true believer.

Oh, my God, Silent Bob, it's the sensational Stan Lee.

Well what kind of comic book movie could this be

without a quick cameo from Stan the Man?

- Marvellous.

Snooch.

- Listen, you two think you're

the only super heroes in the world?

Hey, you've become part of a bigger universe, now.

- You mean the DC universe?

- No, not that emo crap.

Hey, I'm here to talk to you both about

joining the Stan Avengers Initiative.

- Great Scott, Stan.

You gotta come back with me.

- Where?

- To the future.

- Okay, spider friend.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Dude, you didn't bust out your phone and shoot that shit?

You dumb ass, man.

We would've got like a million hits on YouTube, man.

You never were any good with a camera,

you non-directing fat fuck.

[TYRES SCREECHING]

Harold, Kumar, we're gonna need your help in the future.

- Excelsior.

- Shotgun.

Yo, are you a real doctor?

- Great Scott, yes.

Can you get us a card for medical marijuana?

- Great pot, yes.

- JAY: And papers, no pipes man.

I like my shit rolled.

- DOC: Rolled?

Where we're going, we don't need any shit rolled.

- JAY: Nooch.

Ah, the fuckin' auto-pilot's broke.