Original subtitles

Is Amelia asleep?

Yeah, I just checked.

- You feel good. - Mm, yeah?

Yeah.

Do you mind if I make a detour?

Oh, I don't know, let me check.

Permission granted, sailor,

- climb aboard. - Okay.

I think you're all good, you're all clear.

Alright, I'm glad I have permission from your area.

Oh, you've got more than permission,

you've got an all-access pass!

Okay, I'm done.

What? No, no, no, no, no,

I'm not giving this up, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, go, go, go, go, go.

Alright.

I still don't know why your vagina has to sound like Brad Garrett.

Would you prefer Ray?

Debra!

Ma!

What about the twins?

Guess who the twins are.

Who?

My boobs.

Oh God.

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

Here.

How about this one?

Ah, yeah, we gotta keep that, look at that face.

Cool, what about this one?

- Garbage. - Okay.

Hand prints, not interested.

I feel guilty doing this while she's asleep.

Really? Would you prefer that she was awake and furious?

- No. - Yeah, I don't think so.

We gotta sift through all this preschool crap,

otherwise our house is gonna be taken over

by elaborate portrayals of her bunny Walter.

Ooh, what's he doing there?

Oh, I'm pretty sure that Walter has bulimia, yeah.

I've also noticed some alarming acid erosion on his teeth,

one of the lesser-known signs of bulimia.

You find the strangest things to be smug about.

Like how I don't have to wear deodorant?

No, we went over this, you do need to wear deodorant.

'Cause my body's so hot, it makes itself sweat?

Moving on, uh, your birthday's coming up, you excited?

- No, I'm not. - Why not?

Well, not because I'm sad it's my birthday,

I've accepted that I'm a dried husk of a human being,

I'm just annoyed that I have to have this party with Jill again.

You don't have to, you're choosing to.

Well, I know, but I've known her forever,

her birthday falls on the same day as mine,

which, for some reason, when we were waitressing 14 years ago,

that seemed significant.

You literally have nothing in common with her anymore.

Honey, what am I supposed to do, just suddenly, after a decade,

say I'm not having my birthday with her anymore

for no apparent reason?

The reason is you're dreading it and it's your birthday.

It seems like so much more work to get out of it.

It's like starting chemo in your 80s, at a certain point,

don't you just climb into your bed in the living room

and just let the cancer wash over you?

Wow, so in this situation, Jill is cancer?

I'm not saying she is, I'm not saying she's not.

Okay, uh, if she's cancer, who am I?

You're my very controlling palliative care nurse

that I don't have the strength to fight off in hospice.

I'm listening.

Hey, why don't you pull my catheter out?

I'm not here for a long time, I'm here for a good time.

- You're disgusting. - What?

If this is my one last wish before I die,

you're not gonna pull my catheter out

and have sex with me like a gentleman?

Oh, no, I totally will.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

That's why we're together.

By the way, yellow is a pear.

- That's fucking bullshit. - It's garbage.

Oh my God, should we keep our kids out of school today?

Hey, guys.

- Check your email. - Why?

The nurse just sent one out,

apparently someone in our class has lice.

Oh my God, seriously, who is it?

I don't know, it doesn't say.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, I wanna know if it's someone Amelia hangs out with,

I'll ask the school nurse who it is.

Alright, let us know what you find out.

Will do.

I actually have no clue where the nurse's office is.

Oh, it's just down the hall to the right.

My kid is a hypochondriac.

Thank him for me.

Well, if he's not under the weather, then I will.

Hi, good morning.

I'm Andrea, Amelia Harris's mom.

- Oh, hi, yeah, nice to meet you. - You too.

Um, I had a quick question about the lice notice

- that went out to the kindergartners. - Oh, sure.

I just wanted to know who it was

so I could see if it's someone that my daughter,

you know, spends time around.

Oh, yeah, we don't give out that information.

Really?

Yeah, it's confidential, people get very sensitive.

Oh, okay, so you guys will just do the lice checks here

and then let us know if there's an issue?

No, we don't do lice checks here.

Okay.

We recommend you checking your child's head.

You know, either yourself or through a service.

Okay, so you don't tell us who it is

and you don't do the lice checks?

That's right.

What do you do?

We sent the email.

Ah-ha, well,

what happens if people don't heed

the voluntary recommendation?

I mean, how do we get the lice to stop

just being passed back and forth?

How do we get it to stop?

Most people do the right thing.

- Do they? - Yeah.

Well, you never met my college boyfriend,

downstairs lice, would've loved a heads-up.

I'm sure.

Sorry, you probably didn't need to know that.

You said you were Amelia's mom?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Bye.

Jill, hi.

Hi, I'm so sorry I'm late,

class ran a little bit long.

Oh my God, class, what class are you taking?

You know how mixology

has become a huge passion of mine, right?

No, I did not know that.

I love it.

Great.

Bartending school is amazing,

today we did floaters, it's, like, legit chemistry.

That's awesome, congratulations.

Oh my gosh, we have so much to catch up on.

- I know. - Should we just order some apps

and then decide what we want?

We may have to order everything at once,

I'm sorry, I gotta pick up Amelia in an hour.

That baby is ruining our friendship.

Well, that baby is six, so...

What, are you serious?

Mm-hmm.

God, can you believe we're over 40?

Doesn't it feel like we're just, like, 25?

No.

You're so funny.

I miss your face.

- You too, your face. - How are you?

How's Mike, how's Amelia, how's writing?

Everything's good, Mike is good,

writing's been a little challenging,

I sold this project and now we're suddenly getting

all these contradictory notes, we are on our fourth outline.

I don't know, the whole thing might fall apart, who knows.

I still feel like it must be fun to just write jokes all day.

- Well... - You must just laugh.

Yeah, but we also, right now,

we're just more, like, breaking story and,

you know, having to do the outlines,

- and deadlines, and stuff. - Fuck!

Sorry.

- Is everything alright? - It's Doug.

I told you I broke up with him, right?

- I'm not sure. - He's asking for my Netflix account,

"No, and get an f'ing job."

He doesn't even own a car, it had to end.

Then it sounds like you did the right thing by ending it.

Honestly, I'm just gonna get a baby and move on with my life,

'cause it's time.

I would definitely give some thought to,

you know, getting a baby.

Obviously.

Oh, anyways, so,

we have reservations at 77 Bar at 9:00 p.m. for the party.

Wow.

Do you want me to put anyone on the list for you?

No, I don't, no, I'm good.

Thank you for asking.

Um, I'm ready to order.

You good?

I shouldn't invite Doug to the party, right?

- I wouldn't. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, I'm gonna just, where's our waiter?

- Excuse me. - Just give me one second.

I just need some time to look through this.

Great, I'll give you a minute to focus.

Thank you.

I have to break up with her,

I was with her for, what, 57 minutes?

I was exhausted,

I feel very sorry for that baby she's getting.

She's having a baby?

No, she's getting a baby, don't worry about it.

Worry about it.

I am.

Oh my God, could you even imagine?

No.

Just imagine for one second.

Oh, it's bad.

Real bad.

Alright, I just gotta get through this year

and then I am out.

Well, I just hope she graduates from bartending school

before the baby comes.

Right?

I mean, it's day three of a 10-day curriculum, hard to say.

Well, I found some bugs and some nits.

Oh my God, okay, well, what do we gotta do?

Well, I just comb it through and put the treatment in.

Alright, well, let's do it.

- Thank you, Nadia. - Okay.

Mommy, so I have lice?

Yep, you got the lice, boo,

but don't worry, it's no big deal,

they just comb through your hair,

they'll put some stuff in it,

and then we'll get to go home, alright?

So I can play on your phone?

Very cool for someone who's got lice, I get it,

but no, finish your homework, my friend.

So, is there a way to, uh, tell how long she's had it?

You can tell by where she is in her development cycle.

Oh, I love a lady who knows her louse.

Thank you.

Does that mean we should all get checked too?

I would recommend it.

- Okay. - Alright.

I'll go first.

Well, this is delightful.

Nadia also said we have to put all our towels

in the dryer for an hour.

Cool, cool, cool.

And don't forget to grab the pillow.

I really do not wanna be dealing with this,

Rob and I need to focus on that Sony meeting.

I have a question,

why is it that I have lice and you are fine?

I mean, I'm not surprised.

No, no, I'm not enjoying this superior look,

'cause you know what passes on lice?

Snuggling,

- Oh. - Cuddling, love, okay?

So why are you so distant from your child, Mike?

Maybe that's a question you need to be asking yourself.

There's literally not a world

where you're gonna make me feel bad for not having lice.

Please, please feel bad.

Mommy, what about Walter, can he stay out?

No, loves, I'm sorry, he's gotta go in the bag,

but he's got a lotta friends in there.

♪ They're gonna have a party. ♪

I'm gonna miss him.

Where's the picture I drew of him singing?

Singing.

No, you don't get breath like that from singing.

Where did it go?

I think I know where it is.

I'll go get it while you get ready for bed, okay?

I'll go brush my teeth.

Oh my God, are we now supposed to vacuum this goddamn mattress?

Yeah, probably.

Hey, I don't know if this is the time,

but you kinda look like one of those Robert Palmer girls.

Really?

Do you wanna fuck me or just fuck all of us?

- All of 'em. - Oh, is this the time for you to have

that 30-some you've always been wanting?

- Yeah. - Cool, just, you know, lotta mouths,

also, a lotta teeth.

Alright, there's the email.

Another kid in kindergarten's got lice, everybody.

Lice, are you fucking serious?

I am super-fucking serious.

You know who has it?

I do, it's my daughter, and me.

This is why you don't hire female writers.

Right? Thank you, I have been saying that for years,

and nobody listens, they just keep hiring us.

I can't believe you're just walking around

openly telling people

that your head has bugs crawling all over it.

Rob, it's lice,

I don't know why there's such a stigma against it,

it's not the scarlet letter, my daughter's not a whore, okay?

That was the whores, right, not the witches?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was whores.

- Okay. - I spent a lotta time with that book

- when I was in eighth grade. - Yeah?

Yeah.

Do you like these eyebrows?

They're going up, they're going down,

yeah, I like 'em, they're good.

You wanna know what my book of choice was back then?

The Jungle.

- Wait. - Upton Sinclair.

His expose of the meatpacking industry?

People falling into vats of food in the summer.

Actually, it wasn't during the summer,

'cause it was set mainly during the winter.

Can you just let me do

my very arousing Upton Sinclair bit?

Fine, fine, fine, fine,

but consider this your early birthday present.

You know what, more than I was expecting, so thank you.

What are you doing for your 50th, by the way?

First of all, it's my 60th.

I have to do this joint birthday party that I am dreading.

Who has a joint birthday party?

Trust me, you do not wanna know,

it's this girl I used to waitress with,

I don't know, it's not great.

My head is itching, do I have lice?

Oh, Rob, you don't have lice.

Even if you did, it is not a big deal.

Okay, you go to a place, they do their thing,

and two days later, you go back and you're done.

Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me, seriously?

God dammit!

I mean, are you shitting me?

I didn't even know it was a possibility to still have lice,

I thought the second meeting with Nadia

was just, like, a courtesy followup.

I really understand

Walter's bulimic need for control right now.

Pillow's gotta go in the dryer for an hour.

I'm so tired, what time is it?

It's almost eight.

Oh my God, are you serious?

After this, I still have to go through

all of my and Rob's notes from today.

Oh, are you kidding?

- No. - I'll take care of this, I got this.

Honey, no, there's way too much to do.

This time, we have to clean every single thing in here,

I am not going through this again.

Oh, I get it.

I can't believe I still have to suffer

through this goddamn party this weekend.

By the way, we need to now give Doug a ride.

Wait, I thought he and Jill broke up?

Oh, that's adorable.

Oh, yeah, why did I even say that?

- I don't know. - Well, why can't he Uber?

Oh, no, Doug doesn't believe in smartphones.

- He's so cool. - He's very cool.

Well, why doesn't he ride with Jill?

They're back together, but in a fight.

- Jesus. - Why is everything so terrible?

I don't know.

But maybe don't put your head on the mattress.

You're right.

That's hard to look at.

Well, yeah, Doug, I, I... You know what,

I will go to YouTube and look at some of your GoPro videos.

It's our birthday!

- Hello. - Hi.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, go get a drink, and get me something too please.

Wow, looks like you guys are back together.

Yeah, and thank you for driving him, you guys, it was really sweet.

So welcome.

Oh my God, is that a romper?

Yes, it is.

I love a romper,

I can never wear them because I drink so much

and then it makes me always have to pee, so...

- Ah. - Michael Harris.

- Hi, Jill. - You still a lawyer?

- Yes. - I love it.

You guys, come in, come in, everybody's dying to say hi to you guys.

- Are they? - What can I get you to drink?

- I will take a Manhattan. - Yeah, I'd love a beer.

- I think I can remember that. - Okay, thank you.

Oh my God, she didn't say no gifts on the invite,

we are grown adults.

Sorry I didn't get you anything.

Mm, well, I'm gonna need, like, 5-40 drinks.

I...

Can only do this for 20 more minutes.

- That's fair. - Okay.

- Oh, hey. - Hi.

- Hi. - Oh my God, I'm Andrea.

- Right, of course. - Mike.

Yes, Michelle.

Yes, hi.

God, I haven't seen you in, like...

I'm gonna guess, probably, it's been about a year.

- Right. - So crazy.

- Right, it's so crazy. - How are you?

- Good, how are you? - Good.

Good.

Great, well, you know what, we're gonna get another drink,

- but so good to see you. - Yes, do, have a drink.

Yes, cheers.

- Bye. - She's nice.

She's nice, but I can't have that conversation a thousand more times.

Mm.

Ah, it looks like someone brought the right gift to the party.

Thank you. I'm happy to share.

Oh, I'm not usually a big pot smoker,

although, I'm also not usually a stranger to my own birthday party,

I think I will take some, thank you.

How do you know Jill?

Uh, we met at Coachella six years ago and just stayed in touch.

That tracks, that sounds about right.

Yes, it does.

By the way, thank you for that, it's already helping.

- Oh, good. - Thank you.

The cake is happening in five minutes.

The bartenders are gonna round up everyone in the bar

and make them all sing to us.

Do you feel like we should get up on a table?

No.

I'm gonna actually run to the bathroom really quick,

but I will make sure to be back for the big moment.

- Five minutes. - Five minutes?

- Yes, please. - Alright, I'll be back in three.

Okay.

Time me.

I don't have my phone.

Are you okay?

Oh.

Yeah, oh my God.

I just got a little dizzy.

Sorry.

It's my birthday, so...

Careful.

Can I give you a hand?

Oh, God no, no, no, no, so, thank you though,

you're very sweet.

I'll just go, uh,

wash my hands.

Did you break your fall with your face?

No, I think my eye socket

hooked the door handle on my way down.

Oh, God.

But at least my vagina was out, so all was not lost.

Oh, thank goodness.

That's gonna be a black eye, I'm gonna give you more ice.

Why did I drink and smoke pot?

I know that this doesn't agree with me.

See, this is what happens when I hang out with her,

I poison my body.

- Yeah. - This is the last year.

- Does she know that? - I don't know.

You know what, I'm not gonna, like, make a big formal announcement,

I will just not be available next year

and then let it naturally fall away.

- Oh, fuck me. - What?

It's Rob,

I forgot I was supposed to compile my notes

for our new ending.

Can you do it tomorrow? It's 12:30.

No, he's gotta do his pass tomorrow,

and then our studio meeting's on Monday.

- Ooh, with that? - Oh God.

You know what, I'll just tell them you beat me, it's fine.

Thank you.

Alright, you head upstairs, I will work down here,

both of us shouldn't have to suffer.

Okay, I'm sorry, you want me to get you anything else?

No, I'm just gonna first do a quick Twitter search for 77 North,

bathroom floor, ass in air, crotch flapping in the wind,

anything along those lines.

Nobody's gonna be tweeting about this.

You don't know where Doug hid that GoPro.

Oh, he could submit this for a live-action short.

- Ooh, you think so? - Mm.

Then we gotta head back to the bar, I have notes,

mostly for my vagina.

I cannot even see well out of this eye now.

Shit, I cannot believe how bad this looks.

Yes, it looks very painful.

Oh my God, I've got this meeting tomorrow in the morning,

how am I gonna explain this?

I fell out of a bathroom drunk and high?

No, I don't wanna break down the night with you, Jill,

that is the last thing that I wanna do.

Haven't I done all of my yearly duties?

- Andrea... - Please do not come by my house.

Andrea, I found an egg.

Okay.

- Fuck. - Okay.

- I'm sorry. - No, no, no, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I cannot stop staring at your face,

is it weird to say it looks sexy?

Doesn't feel sexy.

By the way,

you are so lucky you decided to leave early last night,

Doug got into this crazy fight with a bartender,

and he had to be escorted outta there,

it was so embarrassing.

Oh, I guess that happens with Doug, right?

It's so funny with him,

because there are days where I wake up and I'm like,

"I love this guy,"

and then there are other days I wake up and I'm just like,

"What am I doing?"

- Do I care about him? - Yes.

- Do I wanna marry him? - Maybe.

I cannot do this anymore, I literally cannot hear about Doug anymore.

I'm so sorry, I...

This is gonna make me sound like such an asshole,

I don't mean to, I just, I feel like you and I,

we're just kind of in different places in our life,

and right now, you know,

my place is black eyes and bugs crawling through my hair,

so, obviously, pretty full plate.

What are you talking about?

I just feel like, you know,

maybe

things

have run their course,

with us.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, it was rough.

So you just blurted it out?

Yeah, I don't know,

I heard my last Doug and was just like blah.

How'd she react?

Not great, turns out she did not feel similarly.

- Oh. - There was some language,

she suggested quite a few times that I intercourse myself.

I assume that wasn't meant in a pleasurable way, right?

- Right. Are you okay? - Yeah.

I mean, it sucked, but it needed to happen.

Luckily, I didn't have to go through it alone.

It was kind of a team effort,

we put all our little parasitic heads together

and just barrelled through.

Well, I'm proud of each and every one of you.

Uh, hold me like the lice lady.

What, like this?

Well, usually I'd be crying, but it's close.

After Nadia, your body seems so bony.

I'll tell ya, now I get boobs.

Okay, now I get boobs.

Oh.

Don't forget about me, Mike.

You know what, I've come to terms with that,

I'm tuning it out.

What about me, Mike?

What is that?

That's my butthole.

Can you tune me out?

Mike, I'm talking to you.

I have to imagine this is a better way

to celebrate your birthday, right?

I don't know, it feels a little weird to, like,

know everyone at the table

and not have my underwear around my ankles, you know?

I guess it's fine, I would say.

Mommy, do you like your card?

Are you kidding? I love this card.

This is, honestly,

I think this might be the best card you've ever made me.

Look at this, I love it.

It's you, me, and Daddy.

Oh, wow, she really nailed your physique.

- She did. - Very little neck.

This one is you,

I put ladybug stickers on 'cause I didn't have lice ones.

That is horrifying.

Well, this is obviously going in the keep pile.

She's an evil genius!