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1
00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:46,454
Thank you!
2
00:00:50,874 --> 00:00:53,311
Thank you! Thank you!
3
00:00:56,297 --> 00:00:57,741
Go!
4
00:01:02,992 --> 00:01:06,242
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
5
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:11,016
I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium!
Digital and smoke-free!
6
00:01:11,136 --> 00:01:13,920
A diversified, multi-cultural
post-modern deconstructionist...
7
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,800
...politically, anatomically and
ecologically incorrect...
8
00:01:16,949 --> 00:01:19,752
I've been uplinked and downloaded,
I've been inputted and outsourced...
9
00:01:19,806 --> 00:01:23,054
I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading...
10
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,817
I'm a high-tech low-life!
A cutting-edge, state of the art...
11
00:01:25,848 --> 00:01:30,505
bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you
a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
12
00:01:30,897 --> 00:01:34,990
I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;
and my inner child is outward-bound...
13
00:01:35,015 --> 00:01:37,432
I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer...
14
00:01:37,457 --> 00:01:39,547
...and I'm voice-activated
and bio-degradable...
15
00:01:39,572 --> 00:01:42,457
I interface with my database;
and my database is in cyberspace...
16
00:01:42,577 --> 00:01:47,153
...so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive
and from time to time I'm radioactive!
17
00:01:51,364 --> 00:01:53,402
Behind the eight ball,
ahead of the curve, ridin'
18
00:01:53,427 --> 00:01:55,505
the wave, dodgin' the bullet,
pushin' the envelope!
19
00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:58,377
I'm on point, on task,
on message and off drugs!
20
00:01:58,497 --> 00:02:01,813
I've got no need for coke and speed!
I've got no urge to binge and purge!
21
00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:04,842
I'm in the moment, on the edge,
over the top, but under the radar...
22
00:02:04,962 --> 00:02:07,871
A high-concept, low profile,
medium-range ballistic missionary...
23
00:02:07,991 --> 00:02:10,791
A street-wise smart bomb,
a top-gun bottom-feeder...
24
00:02:10,911 --> 00:02:14,570
I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps...
25
00:02:14,813 --> 00:02:18,969
I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk
rainmaker with a pro-active outreach...
26
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:25,465
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;
out of rehab and in denial!
27
00:02:31,976 --> 00:02:33,867
I've got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
28
00:02:33,906 --> 00:02:36,556
a personal assistant
and a personal agenda!
29
00:02:36,652 --> 00:02:39,193
You can't shut me up!
You can't dumb me down!
30
00:02:39,313 --> 00:02:43,811
'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless,
I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
31
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:48,524
I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever;
Laid-back and fashion-forward.
32
00:02:48,644 --> 00:02:50,888
Up-front, down-home,
low rent, high-maintenance!
33
00:02:51,008 --> 00:02:55,232
Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition,
fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last!
34
00:02:55,266 --> 00:02:57,248
I'm a hands-on,
footloose, knee-jerk, head case;
35
00:02:57,273 --> 00:02:58,692
prematurely
post-traumatic...
36
00:02:58,788 --> 00:03:02,065
...and I have a love child
who sends me hate-mail!
37
00:03:03,074 --> 00:03:05,915
But I'm feeling, I'm caring,
I'm healing, I'm sharing...
38
00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:08,765
A supporting, bonding, nurturing
primary-care giver...
39
00:03:08,885 --> 00:03:12,585
My output is down, but my income is up!
I take a short position on the long bond,
40
00:03:12,705 --> 00:03:14,727
...and my revenue stream has
its own cash flow.
41
00:03:14,847 --> 00:03:18,602
I read junk mail, I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports...
42
00:03:18,722 --> 00:03:24,931
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,
user-friendly and lactose intolerant!
43
00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:30,908
I like rough sex; I like tough love,
I use the f-word in my e-mail...
44
00:03:31,028 --> 00:03:34,705
...and the software on my hard drive
is hard-core - No soft porn!
45
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,403
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store...
46
00:03:38,523 --> 00:03:41,441
I eat fast-food in the
slow lane, I'm toll-free,
47
00:03:41,466 --> 00:03:44,561
bite-size, ready-to-wear,
and I come in all sizes!
48
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:47,055
A fully equipped, factory-authorized,
hospital-tested,
49
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,825
clinically proven, scientifically
formulated medical miracle!
50
00:03:49,850 --> 00:03:52,858
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked,
pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,
51
00:03:52,889 --> 00:03:55,949
pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,
double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and...
52
00:03:56,045 --> 00:04:00,602
I have an unlimited broadband capacity!
53
00:04:06,540 --> 00:04:08,831
I'm a rude dude, but
I'm the real deal.
54
00:04:08,856 --> 00:04:11,661
Lean and mean. Cocked,
locked and ready to rock!
55
00:04:11,757 --> 00:04:15,129
Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.
I take it slow, I go with the flow...
56
00:04:15,249 --> 00:04:17,468
I ride with the tide,
I've got glide in my stride...
57
00:04:17,588 --> 00:04:21,283
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',
jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'...
58
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,981
I don't snooze, so I don't lose!
59
00:04:23,006 --> 00:04:25,332
I keep the pedal to the metal
and the rubber on the road...
60
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,201
I party hearty!
And lunchtime is crunch time.
61
00:04:28,321 --> 00:04:30,324
I'm hangin' in,
there ain't no doubt...
62
00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:34,443
...and I'm hangin' tough.
Over and out!
63
00:04:36,429 --> 00:04:38,914
Thank you! Thank you!
64
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,585
Thank you very much!
65
00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:45,175
Way to go! Thank you!
66
00:04:48,042 --> 00:04:53,012
Hey! I've got 341 days over and next year's
my 50th anniversary in show business...
67
00:04:53,132 --> 00:04:56,495
...so let's do a fucking show! Huh?
68
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:09,720
You know some people don't talk about' em
in public anymore? Pussyfarts!
69
00:05:19,190 --> 00:05:21,724
So, anyway...
70
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,785
I said that on my last
HBO show and apparently
71
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:28,304
some people don't know
what a pussyfart is...!
72
00:05:28,974 --> 00:05:31,782
...'cause I got some inquiries...
73
00:05:31,902 --> 00:05:33,650
Here's the deal!
74
00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:36,742
A pussyfart is like when you're making
love to a woman...
75
00:05:36,862 --> 00:05:39,951
...who's got a little extra air
in her vagina...
76
00:05:40,071 --> 00:05:42,446
...and every time you thrust forward
there's kind of a...
77
00:05:58,404 --> 00:06:00,294
And the two of you,
just lyin' there, each
78
00:06:00,357 --> 00:06:02,396
is wonderin' if the
other one farted...
79
00:06:03,462 --> 00:06:07,630
And the man is usually thinking:
"Maybe she farts when she comes!"
80
00:06:08,658 --> 00:06:11,514
"Maybe she took a shit!"
81
00:06:11,847 --> 00:06:15,692
"Man, I gotta stay out of that
fucking bar!"
82
00:06:20,829 --> 00:06:24,518
Another word you don't hear too often
is "Dingleberries!"
83
00:06:25,115 --> 00:06:28,382
You know? You never hear it
in "Meet the Press?"
84
00:06:28,792 --> 00:06:32,706
The dingleberry solution,
the dingleberry-gate... Nothing!
85
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:35,496
I guess this is 'cause
"dingleberries" is one of them
86
00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:38,140
words you don't say too much
past your tenth birthday!
87
00:06:38,686 --> 00:06:40,954
It't not a grown-up's word!
It's a kid's word!
88
00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:42,415
"Dingleberries!"
89
00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:46,927
Always sounded kinda Christmasy to me!
90
00:06:47,296 --> 00:06:51,533
Won't you say there's a holiday ring to it?
"Dingleberries!"
91
00:06:51,819 --> 00:06:56,042
"John, you may want to hang some
dingleberries over the front door!"
92
00:06:56,302 --> 00:07:00,812
"And when Mary Ann comes over she
can kiss you under the Dingleberries!"
93
00:07:01,086 --> 00:07:05,596
It is to be devoutedly wished
that she would kiss me...
94
00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:08,467
...under the Dingleberries!
95
00:07:08,876 --> 00:07:11,993
"Cornhole" is another word you
don't hear enough!
96
00:07:12,113 --> 00:07:14,336
You don't hear that
nearly enough, you know!
97
00:07:14,361 --> 00:07:15,940
It's a good word! A solid word!
98
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,183
It's a tough word! It's
a man's kind of word!
99
00:07:18,277 --> 00:07:19,931
It's got a masculine sound!
100
00:07:20,027 --> 00:07:23,857
Like "shotgun", and "ashcan",
and "tow-truck"...!
101
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,385
"Cornhole!"
102
00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:29,419
Everything's been sanitized
now, and cleaned up!
103
00:07:29,497 --> 00:07:32,239
First with these fucking Christians,
let's just start with them!
104
00:07:39,109 --> 00:07:44,663
Let's not leave out these
PC campus liberal assholes!
105
00:07:44,710 --> 00:07:47,293
They're just as fucking bad
from a different direction!
106
00:07:47,529 --> 00:07:50,083
But's everything's different!
Everything's been
107
00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:54,455
polished up! It's "anal
intercourse", "anal rape!"
108
00:07:54,663 --> 00:07:57,766
Bullshit! Cornhole!
109
00:08:00,787 --> 00:08:04,667
I'm a big fan of the prime
time crime shows...
110
00:08:04,787 --> 00:08:06,809
...I like all of them pretty
much, you know, I like
111
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,778
"Law and Order", and all
the spin-offs of that...
112
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:14,165
I like "CSI", and all of those spin-offs,
'cause they're forensic shows, you know?
113
00:08:14,314 --> 00:08:16,282
And I'm just waiting for
one night to be sitting
114
00:08:16,345 --> 00:08:19,344
there watching one of
them shows, and...
115
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:23,379
...the chief medical examiner turns
to the lead detective and say "Steve..."
116
00:08:23,483 --> 00:08:26,663
"Looks to me like that after they
killed this guy the perpretators rolled
117
00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:30,209
him over and cornholed him about
thirty or forty fucking times..."
118
00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:39,779
"And there's a posthumous multiple cornhole
entry wound!"
119
00:08:43,182 --> 00:08:46,463
In prison it's a social activity!
120
00:08:46,695 --> 00:08:48,507
Yeah, it's right there
on the bulletin board!
121
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,612
"Checkers, handball,
cornholing!"
122
00:08:53,926 --> 00:08:57,138
Now, just to change the subject
a little bit...
123
00:08:57,794 --> 00:09:01,306
Do you realize...?
124
00:09:01,426 --> 00:09:04,887
...that right this second,
right now...
125
00:09:05,007 --> 00:09:07,565
...somewhere around the world...
126
00:09:07,685 --> 00:09:11,542
...some guy is getting ready
to kill himself?
127
00:09:11,993 --> 00:09:15,943
Ain't that great?
128
00:09:16,312 --> 00:09:19,510
Do you ever stop and think
about that kind of shit?
129
00:09:19,811 --> 00:09:23,296
I do! It's fun!
130
00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:25,947
And it's interesting!
And it's true!
131
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:30,704
Right this second, some guy is getting
ready to bite the big bazooka!
132
00:09:31,182 --> 00:09:36,498
Because statistics show that every year
a million people commit suicide!
133
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:41,159
A million! That's 280 a day!
134
00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:45,123
That's one every 30 seconds!
135
00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:51,520
There goes another guy!
136
00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:58,435
And I say "guy" because men are four times
more likely than women to commit suicide!
137
00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:00,909
Even though women attempt it more!
138
00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:04,408
So men are better at it!
139
00:10:04,528 --> 00:10:08,154
That's something else you girls
are wanna be working on!
140
00:10:08,919 --> 00:10:11,280
Well, if you wanna be truly
equal, you're gonna have
141
00:10:11,305 --> 00:10:13,576
to start taking your own
lives in greater numbers!
142
00:10:19,539 --> 00:10:21,930
But I just think it's interesting
to know...
143
00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:25,333
..."interesting", that's a big word in this
show for me...
144
00:10:25,453 --> 00:10:29,447
...interesting to know that at any moment,
the odds are good...
145
00:10:29,735 --> 00:10:34,136
...that some guy is draggin' a chair across
the garage floor...
146
00:10:34,463 --> 00:10:37,374
...trying to get it right underneath
that ceiling beam...
147
00:10:37,494 --> 00:10:39,251
...don't want it to be
too far off center.
148
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,970
If it's worth doing,
it's worth doing right!
149
00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:45,173
Somewhere else another
guy is going over and
150
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,400
getting a gun out of a
chest of drawers...
151
00:10:48,254 --> 00:10:51,972
Somebody else is opening up a brand
new package of razorblades!
152
00:10:52,238 --> 00:10:55,464
Maybe struggling with the cellophane
a little bit, you know?
153
00:10:55,819 --> 00:10:59,851
"Oh shit! There's always something!
Goddam it!"
154
00:11:03,351 --> 00:11:05,852
I just think that's interesting as hell!
155
00:11:06,112 --> 00:11:09,118
That's probably the most interesting
thing you can do with your life!
156
00:11:09,238 --> 00:11:11,647
End it!
157
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:14,818
I don't think I could that, though!
Could you? God!
158
00:11:14,938 --> 00:11:18,863
I couldn't commit suicide
if my life depended on it!
159
00:11:18,983 --> 00:11:21,378
But I understand it, you know?
I think I do...
160
00:11:21,498 --> 00:11:24,231
I don't wonder about it! I don't
wonder: "Why did he do that?"
161
00:11:24,256 --> 00:11:26,814
"What was going through his
mind?" You know what I wonder?
162
00:11:26,910 --> 00:11:29,447
Where do you find the fucking time?
163
00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:33,848
Who's got time to be committing suicide?
Aren't you busy? I've got shit to do!
164
00:11:33,968 --> 00:11:37,223
Suicide would be way down
on my list...
165
00:11:37,483 --> 00:11:41,706
...probably down past lighting
my own house on fire!
166
00:11:42,607 --> 00:11:46,352
Am I wanna try a little
self-mutilation first?
167
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:49,618
You know? Take a couple of
hunks out of my arm...
168
00:11:49,738 --> 00:11:52,844
See if I like the general idea...!
169
00:11:53,117 --> 00:11:55,913
Cause you gotta have
priorities, man! You know?
170
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,742
And you gotta have a plan, too, for
something like that! Gotta plan that shit!
171
00:11:59,838 --> 00:12:02,588
People don't just run out the
house and jump off a bridge!
172
00:12:02,650 --> 00:12:05,305
There are things you
have to decide!
173
00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:09,053
Timing is important!
When are you gonna do it?
174
00:12:09,173 --> 00:12:12,319
"Welll, let me see it now...!"
175
00:12:12,439 --> 00:12:16,953
"Wednesday's out. Gotta take
Timmy to the circus...!"
176
00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:22,229
"Survivors's on on Thursday!"
177
00:12:22,557 --> 00:12:26,179
"Friday, I've got my colon cleansing..."
178
00:12:27,026 --> 00:12:31,523
"Folks are coming over on Sunday..."
179
00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:36,115
"Sunday...!"
180
00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:40,366
By God, that'll be just the thing!
Maybe Mum will find my body!
181
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:44,780
Serves her right for fucking me up
the way she did!
182
00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:49,809
Then you have to pick a method!
How are you gonna do it?
183
00:12:50,068 --> 00:12:54,934
Well, let me see it now...!
I'm afraid of heights, that's no good!
184
00:12:55,054 --> 00:12:57,913
Can't swallow pills,
Don't like the sight of blood...!
185
00:12:58,033 --> 00:13:01,453
Fucking ovens are electric...!
186
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,184
I'd lay out in front of a
train, except damn track
187
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:07,848
ain't coming through here
in thirty goddam years!
188
00:13:08,943 --> 00:13:12,866
Maybe I'll just take a gun
and shoot myself in the mouth!
189
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,969
Huh... Suppose I miss!
190
00:13:16,089 --> 00:13:18,798
People'll be laughing at me!
191
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:23,841
Suppose I live...!
I'd have a big fucking hole in my head!
192
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,626
I'd have to wear some kind
of dumbass hat!
193
00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:31,904
Well, I guess I'll just hang myself!
That'll be good!
194
00:13:32,697 --> 00:13:37,835
Gotta get a rope!
Oh, shit! There's always something...!
195
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:40,526
I've got a rope
in the garage...!
196
00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:43,901
Ah! It's got a lot of
grease and paint on it!
197
00:13:44,315 --> 00:13:47,459
Don't want to get that
stuff on my neck!
198
00:13:48,087 --> 00:13:51,272
Wal-Mart is having a special
on rope this weekend!
199
00:13:51,504 --> 00:13:54,238
No sense in spending a lot of money
to kill myself!
200
00:13:54,303 --> 00:13:56,279
Then again, I can always
put it on my credit card,
201
00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:58,146
and never have to pay
the fucking thing!
202
00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:06,073
Eh, that's it, then! I'm hanging myself
and Wal-Mart is paying for it!
203
00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:10,378
What's next? A note...!
204
00:14:10,651 --> 00:14:14,382
Oh, Jesus!
Gotta express myself!
205
00:14:14,642 --> 00:14:18,728
Hell, if I gotta express myself I wanna
be thinking a note or something, I guess...
206
00:14:18,848 --> 00:14:24,182
Where's the pen? Can never
find a pen!
207
00:14:24,414 --> 00:14:28,747
Told the kids not to move the pen
away from that telephone! Goddam kids!
208
00:14:29,061 --> 00:14:31,986
I'll just kill them, too!
209
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:35,759
Make it one of them family
package deals!
210
00:14:35,879 --> 00:14:40,433
Ah, here's a pen! I oughta jam it
in my fucking neck and get it over with!
211
00:14:41,909 --> 00:14:47,594
Let's see now...!
Where do you put the date, upper left...?
212
00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:54,469
I can never remember that...!
"To whom it may concern..."
213
00:14:54,865 --> 00:14:58,364
Huh... sounds kinda impersonal...
214
00:14:58,484 --> 00:15:03,080
"Dear Marcelle..."
Huh, leaves out the kids...
215
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:07,111
I know!
"Hey, guys! Guess what?"
216
00:15:07,231 --> 00:15:11,853
"Keep on reading! How are you?
I hope you are fine!"
217
00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:15,472
"I am not fine!"
218
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:20,108
"As you can no doubt tell from me
hanging here from the ceiling fixture!"
219
00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:23,683
"You were the ones who
drove me to this!"
220
00:15:24,262 --> 00:15:27,739
"I was doing just fine until
you fuckers came along!"
221
00:15:28,154 --> 00:15:30,964
"I hope you're happy now
that I'm goddam dead!"
222
00:15:31,303 --> 00:15:34,157
"Signed: The corpse in this room!"
223
00:15:34,573 --> 00:15:37,908
"P.S. Fuck you, people!"
224
00:15:45,506 --> 00:15:46,935
That would be a good note!
225
00:15:46,982 --> 00:15:49,489
I don't think a writer could
ever commit suicide, do you?
226
00:15:49,585 --> 00:15:52,100
A writer would be too busy working
on the note all goddam year!
227
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,578
Trying to get it just right!
228
00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:56,181
First draft, second draft, third
revision, whole new ending...!
229
00:15:56,277 --> 00:15:59,586
And finally turning it into a book proposal
and have a reason to live!
230
00:16:00,148 --> 00:16:02,187
It won't work! I think
about stuff like that!
231
00:16:02,226 --> 00:16:03,660
It's interesting to
me, like I said!
232
00:16:03,756 --> 00:16:06,501
Certain things are interesting!
Suicide is interesting!
233
00:16:06,621 --> 00:16:10,305
Life is filled with interesting things!
That's why I could never commit suicide!
234
00:16:10,425 --> 00:16:13,312
I'm having too much fun!
Keeping an eye on you, folks!
235
00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:16,810
Watching what you do! Human behaviour!
That's what I like!
236
00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:19,402
Humans do some really
interesting things!
237
00:16:19,522 --> 00:16:22,737
Like, besides killing ourselves,
we also kill each other!
238
00:16:23,021 --> 00:16:26,225
Murder! And we're the only ones
who do that, by the way!
239
00:16:26,326 --> 00:16:29,022
We are the only species on
earth that deliberately kills
240
00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:31,410
members of their own species
for personal gain...
241
00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:34,645
Or pleasure! Sometimes it's just fun...!
242
00:16:34,774 --> 00:16:37,977
We're also the only species that deliberately
kill members of another species...!
243
00:16:38,002 --> 00:16:41,785
...for personal gain, or pleasure!
That's what hunters do! They kill for pleasure!
244
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:46,320
That's us! Human beings!
Interesting folks! Murderous!
245
00:16:46,627 --> 00:16:49,174
Here's an interesting form of
murder we came up with...!
246
00:16:49,769 --> 00:16:53,366
Assassination! Do you what's interesting
about assassination!
247
00:16:53,666 --> 00:16:58,163
Well, not only does it change those
popularity polls in a big fucking hurry!
248
00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:02,175
But it's also interesting to
know who it is we assassinate!
249
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,929
Do you ever notice, stop to
think who it is we kill...?
250
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,485
It's always people who
told us to live together
251
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:09,713
in harmony and try to
love one another...!
252
00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:13,025
Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John
Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy,
253
00:17:13,056 --> 00:17:16,368
Martin Luther King, Martha Rivers,
Malcolm X, John Lennon...
254
00:17:16,401 --> 00:17:20,051
They all said: "Try to live
together peacefully!" BAM!
255
00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:22,677
Right in the fucking head!
256
00:17:27,591 --> 00:17:30,192
Apparently we're not ready for that!
257
00:17:31,524 --> 00:17:34,394
Yeah! That's difficult
behaviour for us!
258
00:17:34,514 --> 00:17:36,403
We're too busy, thinking
around, sitting around
259
00:17:36,428 --> 00:17:38,412
trying to think up ways
to kill each other!
260
00:17:38,906 --> 00:17:41,827
Here's one we came up with!
It's efficient, too!
261
00:17:42,203 --> 00:17:44,000
Genocide! You know?
262
00:17:44,148 --> 00:17:47,741
Killing large numbers of people simply 'cause
they don't look like you, they don't talk like you
263
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:49,930
and they don't have the
same kind of hats you do!
264
00:17:50,573 --> 00:17:53,494
Did you ever notice that anytime you
see two groups of people who really
265
00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:56,617
hate each other, chances are good they're
wearing different kinds of hats!
266
00:17:57,047 --> 00:17:59,399
Keep an eye on that!
It might be important!
267
00:18:00,430 --> 00:18:04,530
But anytime there's genocide
there are always mass graves!
268
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:07,946
Every time we kill some dictator
and go marching through his country...
269
00:18:08,002 --> 00:18:10,377
...we always finds mass graves!
Thousands and thousands
270
00:18:10,402 --> 00:18:12,309
of dead bodies of people
the dictator killed!
271
00:18:12,405 --> 00:18:16,728
And everybody over here gets horrified!
"Oh, mass graves! Mass graves! Oh!"
272
00:18:16,848 --> 00:18:18,597
Oh, shit! What's a guy
supposed to do with a
273
00:18:18,622 --> 00:18:20,254
couple of thousand
people he just killed?
274
00:18:20,502 --> 00:18:23,033
Dig separate holes?
Fuck that shit!
275
00:18:23,699 --> 00:18:26,518
It's labor intensive!
Get real!
276
00:18:26,962 --> 00:18:28,929
The whole idea of killing
a large number of
277
00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:31,188
people at one time, in one
place, is convenience!
278
00:18:31,352 --> 00:18:34,282
Efficiency! Throw 'em in
the fucking hole!
279
00:18:34,797 --> 00:18:37,188
Look at it this way!
At least the dictator had
280
00:18:37,213 --> 00:18:39,451
the decency to throw a
little dirt on them!
281
00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:42,172
Give the guy some credit!
Dictator's a busy man!
282
00:18:42,227 --> 00:18:43,891
Got a lot in his mind!
283
00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:46,891
Like trying to figure out
who's planning to kill him!
284
00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:50,409
So he can pick them up, put them in prison,
and torture them!
285
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,305
Here's another of
our interesting
286
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:54,526
heart-warming behaviours
we came up with...
287
00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:57,354
...somewhere along the way!
Torturing each other!
288
00:18:57,474 --> 00:19:00,942
You wanna hear a really cool torture
that the romans invented?
289
00:19:01,062 --> 00:19:03,656
They also used it as a form
of capital punishment!
290
00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:05,328
It's really creative!
291
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,591
They would take the guy in question,
stuff him in a burlap sack,
292
00:19:08,616 --> 00:19:11,353
seal the sack up real tight and
throw him in the river, but...!
293
00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:16,284
...and here's the creative part!
Inside the sack, with the guy...!
294
00:19:16,404 --> 00:19:21,101
...they would put a dog, a monkey
and a snake! OK?
295
00:19:21,375 --> 00:19:24,896
A dog, a monkey and a snake!
That's fucking creative!
296
00:19:25,629 --> 00:19:27,838
Imagine being inside a
burlap sack in the water,
297
00:19:27,863 --> 00:19:30,162
in the dark, sitting next
to a drowning monkey...!
298
00:19:31,607 --> 00:19:34,060
...think he'd be moving around
a little bit?
299
00:19:34,648 --> 00:19:37,279
The dog, he'll be going apeshit!
We know that!
300
00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:39,461
And the snake? Well, he'd
probably be getting curious
301
00:19:39,503 --> 00:19:41,399
about what all the activity
was inside the sack!
302
00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:42,945
He might do anything!
303
00:19:42,992 --> 00:19:46,391
Whatever he did, it would probably
involve venom ant its teeth!
304
00:19:47,256 --> 00:19:48,604
You know what you'd be doing?
305
00:19:48,629 --> 00:19:52,440
You'd be praying to God that the snake bit
the monkey and the dog ate the snake!
306
00:19:57,815 --> 00:20:01,881
Then it would be just you and the dog!
Man and his best friend!
307
00:20:02,188 --> 00:20:06,835
Drowning together! Maybe before you died
you could teach him a few tricks!
308
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:10,406
Roll over and play dead wouldn't be too
difficult, would it?
309
00:20:10,679 --> 00:20:13,669
Just a thought!
Just a playful thought!
310
00:20:13,789 --> 00:20:15,973
By the way, I assume
you've noticed that all
311
00:20:15,998 --> 00:20:18,083
these activities I'm
mentioning, murder...
312
00:20:18,179 --> 00:20:21,169
...torture, genocide...
These are all things human beings do!
313
00:20:21,289 --> 00:20:24,718
Not animals! Those creatures
we feel superior to!
314
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,070
This is us!
315
00:20:27,336 --> 00:20:30,924
Here's another one of our spiritually
uplifting activities!
316
00:20:31,044 --> 00:20:34,272
We don't do this one much anymore!
But it used to be really big!
317
00:20:34,392 --> 00:20:36,920
Human sacrifice!
318
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,842
I miss that!
319
00:20:39,962 --> 00:20:44,215
The Aztecs loved human sacrifice!
And they were good at it!
320
00:20:44,335 --> 00:20:48,452
Well, they got a lot of practice!
For instance, around the year 1500...
321
00:20:48,572 --> 00:20:53,800
...the aztecs sacrificed 18,000 people
in one ceremony! OK?
322
00:20:54,092 --> 00:20:57,272
18,000 people in one ceremony!
Do you know what the occasion was?
323
00:20:57,307 --> 00:20:59,069
They were opening a new temple!
324
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,077
Nothing like religion for
a little entertainment, huh?
325
00:21:03,508 --> 00:21:06,123
Specially that old-time religion!
326
00:21:06,459 --> 00:21:09,591
Do you know how the aztecs went about
their sacrificing? Here's how they did it...
327
00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:11,616
They would do that right out
in public, right in front
328
00:21:11,641 --> 00:21:13,405
of everybody, big town,
beautiful city square...
329
00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:16,269
twenty, thirty thousand people
looking on! They would take the guy...!
330
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:19,287
...lay him on an altar, cut his
chest open, pull his heart out
331
00:21:19,357 --> 00:21:21,998
and hold it up in the air while
it was still beating! Got that?
332
00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:26,342
Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold
it up in the air while it was still beating!
333
00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,724
Do you know what you call that?
Theatre!
334
00:21:29,248 --> 00:21:30,746
That's fucking theatre!
335
00:21:30,842 --> 00:21:33,305
And although the procedure
may have been a little too
336
00:21:33,330 --> 00:21:35,655
crude to be considered the
first bypass surgery...!
337
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:40,614
...it could easily be seen as an early form
of organ donor programme!
338
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:43,518
The aztecs! Human beings!
Just like us...
339
00:21:43,638 --> 00:21:47,260
Not too long ago! 500 years!
Columbus had already landed!
340
00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:50,182
That was just south of here!
Mexico!
341
00:21:50,302 --> 00:21:53,303
By the way, those hearts
didn't go to waste!
342
00:21:53,365 --> 00:21:55,024
Because right after
the ceremonies...
343
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:59,766
The royal family, naturally, would enjoy
another one of our amusing activities...
344
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:04,703
Cannibalism! Imagine that!
Chowing down on another human being!
345
00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:10,119
You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man!
You gotta be really fucking hungry!
346
00:22:10,239 --> 00:22:12,938
But it happens, doesn't it?
Still happens to this day!
347
00:22:13,058 --> 00:22:15,722
A bunch of people?
Stranded in the wilderness?
348
00:22:15,842 --> 00:22:18,763
Run out of pop-tarts?
Gotta eat something!
349
00:22:18,883 --> 00:22:21,907
Might as well be Steve!
350
00:22:22,076 --> 00:22:23,707
And how do you decide
who to eat first?
351
00:22:23,732 --> 00:22:25,746
How do you decide who's
first on the barbecue rack?
352
00:22:25,771 --> 00:22:28,453
Do you pick on the little guy,
'cause he's skinny and he can't fight back?
353
00:22:28,478 --> 00:22:30,288
...or do you all gang
up on the bodybuilder
354
00:22:30,313 --> 00:22:32,163
'cause he's got a lot
of steaks and chops on?
355
00:22:32,653 --> 00:22:36,326
These are things human beings
have to consider!
356
00:22:36,446 --> 00:22:40,084
One more of these charming
diversions of ours!
357
00:22:40,529 --> 00:22:45,910
Necrophilia! Huh?
Now there's a hobby for you!
358
00:22:46,252 --> 00:22:48,814
Fucking a corpse!
359
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:52,898
Takes a special kind of guy!
Don't you think?
360
00:22:53,411 --> 00:22:57,374
But it happens, it happens...
More than you might think!
361
00:22:57,665 --> 00:23:01,116
It happens among humans!
Animals don't do that!
362
00:23:01,441 --> 00:23:04,465
Animals don't fuck their dead!
363
00:23:04,585 --> 00:23:07,591
A rat would do a lot
of gross things!
364
00:23:07,711 --> 00:23:10,820
But it would not fuck
a dead rat!
365
00:23:10,940 --> 00:23:14,100
It wouldn't even
occur to him!
366
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:17,073
Only a human being
would think...!
367
00:23:17,193 --> 00:23:19,942
..to fuck someone who
just died!
368
00:23:20,062 --> 00:23:23,205
We gotta be the most interesting
creatures on the planet...!
369
00:23:23,479 --> 00:23:28,365
...and then we wonder why a UFO
doesn't just land and say hello!
370
00:23:38,513 --> 00:23:40,785
Do you know the best thing
about necrophilia?
371
00:23:40,905 --> 00:23:43,365
You don't have to bring flowers!
372
00:23:43,485 --> 00:23:46,611
Yeah! Usually they're already there!
373
00:23:46,731 --> 00:23:51,241
Isn't that nice? It's nice!
It's convenient!
374
00:23:51,549 --> 00:23:54,368
Human beings would do anything!
375
00:23:54,464 --> 00:23:56,737
Anything! I am convinced!
376
00:23:56,823 --> 00:24:00,456
That's why when all those beheadings
started in Iraq, didn't bother me!
377
00:24:00,770 --> 00:24:03,403
I took it right in stride! A lot of
people here were horrified!
378
00:24:03,460 --> 00:24:05,340
"Oh, beheadings! Beheadings!"
379
00:24:05,831 --> 00:24:07,817
What are you, fucking surprised?
380
00:24:07,910 --> 00:24:11,493
It's just one more form of
extreme human behaviour!
381
00:24:11,589 --> 00:24:14,324
Besides, who cares about
some mercenary civilian
382
00:24:14,349 --> 00:24:17,250
contractor from Oklahoma
who gets its head cut off?
383
00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:19,725
Fuck him! Fuck him!
384
00:24:19,874 --> 00:24:21,999
Hey Jack! You don't wanna
get your head cut off?
385
00:24:22,095 --> 00:24:27,869
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma!
386
00:24:32,696 --> 00:24:36,916
They don't cut no heads in Oklahoma!
As far as I know!
387
00:24:37,445 --> 00:24:38,890
But I do know this!
388
00:24:38,952 --> 00:24:41,498
You strap on a gun and go
struttin' around some other man's
389
00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:43,814
country, you'd better be
ready for some action, Jack!
390
00:24:44,077 --> 00:24:48,232
You'd better be ready for some action!
People are touchy about that sort of thing!
391
00:24:48,505 --> 00:24:52,004
Let me ask you this, while I have you
good, clean Americans here...!
392
00:24:52,124 --> 00:24:55,954
This is a moral question...
Not rhetorical, I'm looking for the answer!
393
00:24:56,074 --> 00:24:59,175
What is the moral difference between
394
00:24:59,214 --> 00:25:02,935
cutting off one guy's head, or two,
or three, or five, or ten?
395
00:25:03,031 --> 00:25:06,526
...and dropping a big bomb on a hospital
and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?
396
00:25:06,612 --> 00:25:08,844
Has anybody in authority
given you an explanation of
397
00:25:08,869 --> 00:25:11,057
the difference? I have not
got an e-mail on this...
398
00:25:11,088 --> 00:25:13,214
...no one would talk! We
haven't got a postcard,
399
00:25:13,239 --> 00:25:15,060
not a fucking instant
message or nothing!
400
00:25:15,443 --> 00:25:18,075
Now, in case you're wondering
why I have a certain
401
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:20,319
interest and fascination,
let's call it...
402
00:25:20,415 --> 00:25:24,682
...with torture and beheadings, and all
of these things I've mentioned...
403
00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:28,000
...is because each of these items,
reminds me in life...
404
00:25:28,025 --> 00:25:32,142
every time I... one of them occurs,
reminds me over and over again...
405
00:25:32,391 --> 00:25:36,178
...what beasts we human beings really are,
you know...
406
00:25:36,298 --> 00:25:40,347
...when you get right down to it,
when you get right down to it...!
407
00:25:40,467 --> 00:25:44,693
...human beings are nothing more than
ordinary jungle beasts! Savages!
408
00:25:44,758 --> 00:25:48,060
No different from the Cromagnon
people who lived 25,000 years ago,
409
00:25:48,085 --> 00:25:51,149
in a place that seemed far
as it can (unintelligible)
410
00:25:51,195 --> 00:25:53,312
No different! Our
DNA hasn't changed
411
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:55,601
substantially in a
hundred thousand years!
412
00:25:55,648 --> 00:25:57,749
We're still operating
out of the lower brain!
413
00:25:57,804 --> 00:26:01,063
The reptilian brain! Fight or flight!
Kill or be killed!
414
00:26:01,159 --> 00:26:04,359
Now, we like to think we've evolved
and advanced...
415
00:26:04,429 --> 00:26:08,082
...because we can build a computer,
fly an airplane, travel underwater...
416
00:26:08,202 --> 00:26:12,237
...we can write a sonnet, paint a painting,
compose an opera... But you know something?
417
00:26:12,357 --> 00:26:14,654
We're barely out of the
jungle on this planet!
418
00:26:14,679 --> 00:26:17,072
Barely out of the fucking jungle!
What we are...
419
00:26:17,168 --> 00:26:19,576
...is semi-civilized beasts...
420
00:26:19,696 --> 00:26:23,130
...with baseball caps and
automatic weapons!
421
00:26:23,250 --> 00:26:26,929
And this civilization of ours,
that we're so proud of...!
422
00:26:27,049 --> 00:26:30,509
This civilization, with its
so-called civilized behaviour...
423
00:26:30,629 --> 00:26:33,626
Do you ever stop to realize how fragile
all this is...?
424
00:26:33,746 --> 00:26:35,625
How fragile the whole struc...
How easily could
425
00:26:35,650 --> 00:26:37,450
just break right down?
Just break right down!
426
00:26:37,546 --> 00:26:40,829
Wouldn't take much!
Probably happen in less than two years!
427
00:26:40,949 --> 00:26:44,970
Wouldn't take much to throw us right
back into barbaric times!
428
00:26:45,090 --> 00:26:47,923
All you have to do, would be
eliminate electricity!
429
00:26:48,043 --> 00:26:52,365
That's all! But completely!
Eliminate electricity! So...
430
00:26:52,852 --> 00:26:54,727
No electricity, no lights!
431
00:26:54,805 --> 00:26:57,578
You're back to candles, and
lanterns, campfires and bonfires...
432
00:26:57,610 --> 00:26:59,233
Batteries couldn't
be recharged...
433
00:26:59,305 --> 00:27:03,012
Gerenators couldn't be refuelled,
because fuel is pumped electrically...
434
00:27:03,132 --> 00:27:06,108
So is water, by the way! So no
lights, no fuel, no water...
435
00:27:06,163 --> 00:27:08,845
No computers! And
computers run everything!
436
00:27:09,053 --> 00:27:12,757
And among the many things computers run,
and they operate on electricity...
437
00:27:12,877 --> 00:27:18,073
...are all of the security systems in all
of our jails and prisons...!
438
00:27:18,193 --> 00:27:21,586
...and nuthouses! So, suddenly...
439
00:27:21,706 --> 00:27:25,659
...without electricity, all across america,
the gates and cell doors...
440
00:27:25,779 --> 00:27:30,183
...of penitentiaries and mental
institutions would fly open...!
441
00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:34,529
...and out would come all of our
old friends!
442
00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:38,834
...the ones who've been away...
...at camp!
443
00:27:39,326 --> 00:27:42,307
Serial killers, mass
murderers, felony rapists,
444
00:27:42,332 --> 00:27:45,063
armed robbers, carjackers,
home invaders...
445
00:27:45,159 --> 00:27:49,767
Thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists,
paedophiles, sexual predators, pimps...
446
00:27:49,887 --> 00:27:53,430
Pushers, pornographers, speed freaks,
crackheads, sick junkies...
447
00:27:53,550 --> 00:27:58,172
All the ethnic street gangs! Black, Spanish
and Asian gangs, Japanese yakuza...
448
00:27:58,292 --> 00:28:01,849
Russian mafia, and neo-nazis, white
supremacists, Sicilian hitmen...
449
00:28:01,969 --> 00:28:05,580
Italian mobster, Jamaican
and Colombian drug gangs...
450
00:28:05,977 --> 00:28:09,189
And those are just the ones
we caught...!
451
00:28:09,639 --> 00:28:13,534
Let's not forget their counterparts!
Still on the outside! Right now!
452
00:28:13,654 --> 00:28:16,114
Waiting to hook up with
their prison buddies!
453
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,383
So they can start a
new organization!
454
00:28:18,479 --> 00:28:23,074
The American Federation of Sociopaths!
Just what the country needs!
455
00:28:23,194 --> 00:28:26,013
Another special interest group!
456
00:28:26,133 --> 00:28:29,211
Eight to ten million of them may be!
Counting all the parolees,
457
00:28:29,312 --> 00:28:32,077
and all the probationers, and the ones
that have never been caught...
458
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,704
Eight to ten million!
Bitter, angry,
459
00:28:34,736 --> 00:28:38,160
violent, sexually
hyperactive alpha-males...
460
00:28:38,256 --> 00:28:43,808
...with nothing to do! No hobbies!
No medications!
461
00:28:44,355 --> 00:28:49,493
No scruples! Just a bunch of bad guys
looking for a good time!
462
00:28:49,945 --> 00:28:55,125
Maybe dropping by your house!
"Hi! Hope we're not intruding!"
463
00:28:55,835 --> 00:28:57,694
"Got any beer?
464
00:28:57,881 --> 00:29:01,842
Oh, good! Well, I've got about fourteen
hundred really thirsty guys here...!"
465
00:29:02,081 --> 00:29:04,811
"How about women?
Got any women?...
466
00:29:05,850 --> 00:29:07,941
...Oh, just your wife, huh?"
467
00:29:09,297 --> 00:29:12,686
"Well, I think we could make that work!"
468
00:29:12,946 --> 00:29:17,648
"Now boys! There's a lady here...
So I want you to mind your manners..."
469
00:29:18,181 --> 00:29:20,313
"And wait your turn..."
470
00:29:20,338 --> 00:29:22,916
Police wouldn't help you! They'd be
gone at the first sign of trouble!
471
00:29:22,941 --> 00:29:24,740
They'd be home protecting
their own families...!
472
00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:27,198
So would the Army and the
National Guard! You'd be alone!
473
00:29:27,223 --> 00:29:29,354
You'd be on your own!
You'd be S.O.L. and J.W.F.!
474
00:29:29,412 --> 00:29:32,393
"Shit out of luck and
jolly-well fucked!"
475
00:29:33,088 --> 00:29:35,305
"Shit out of luck and
jolly-well fucked!"
476
00:29:35,425 --> 00:29:37,779
After a couple of years
of living like that...
477
00:29:37,899 --> 00:29:40,335
...beheadings will be the least
of your problems!
478
00:29:40,455 --> 00:29:43,738
People will be lining up
to be beheaded...!
479
00:29:43,971 --> 00:29:45,588
So let's get back to suicide,
480
00:29:45,613 --> 00:29:48,073
which now seems like a
reasonable alternative...!
481
00:29:52,185 --> 00:29:55,642
Suicide is an interesting topic to me...!
482
00:29:55,762 --> 00:29:58,690
...because it's an inherently
interesting decision!
483
00:29:58,810 --> 00:30:02,640
To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore!
It's profound!
484
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,262
You know what it is?
It's the Ultimate Makeover!
485
00:30:06,562 --> 00:30:09,173
That's why I think it
belongs on television!
486
00:30:09,293 --> 00:30:12,466
In this depraved culture we live in...?
487
00:30:12,586 --> 00:30:17,168
...with all these reality shows?
Suicide and television would be a natural!
488
00:30:17,288 --> 00:30:21,036
I'll bet you can have an All-Suicide
channel on cable TV!
489
00:30:21,156 --> 00:30:25,136
I bet you! Shit! They've got all golf!
What the fuck! Huh?
490
00:30:25,682 --> 00:30:28,060
Goddam! Jesus!
491
00:30:28,388 --> 00:30:32,851
Do you ever watch golf?
It's like watching flies fuck!
492
00:30:33,569 --> 00:30:35,698
If you can get a bunch of
brainless assholes and insist
493
00:30:35,723 --> 00:30:37,955
them to waste a sunny afternoon,
on that kind of shit...
494
00:30:37,980 --> 00:30:40,600
...you know you can get some people
to watch them suicides...!
495
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:45,684
All day long! 24 hours a day! Nothing but
suicides! Must-die TV!
496
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,812
You can get a lot of
people watching that shit!
497
00:30:47,837 --> 00:30:50,177
You can get a lot of people
volunteering to be on it, too!
498
00:30:50,273 --> 00:30:54,390
Just so their friends can see them on TV!
People are fucking goofy!
499
00:30:54,792 --> 00:30:56,167
You can get a lot of volunteers!
500
00:30:56,192 --> 00:30:59,147
You can get all of them leftovers
assholes on "Let's Make a Deal!"
501
00:30:59,172 --> 00:31:01,881
They'll be lining up around the block!
Pushing each other out the way!
502
00:31:01,906 --> 00:31:03,868
Putting on them funny capes
and caps and headpats
503
00:31:03,893 --> 00:31:06,008
and make them up call
themselves "Captain Suicide!"
504
00:31:06,033 --> 00:31:08,033
Guys will be competing for
most unusual methods!
505
00:31:08,058 --> 00:31:10,017
People will be jumping
off them silos, lighting
506
00:31:10,042 --> 00:31:12,327
themselves on fire, putting
rat poison on their taco...
507
00:31:12,399 --> 00:31:15,873
Drinking "Mop-and-Glo",
sticking mothballs up their ass...
508
00:31:16,185 --> 00:31:18,743
You'd probably have some weird
fuck show figure how to
509
00:31:18,768 --> 00:31:21,508
kill himself with dental
floss and a Stinger missile!
510
00:31:22,266 --> 00:31:24,464
People are fucking goofy!
511
00:31:24,647 --> 00:31:29,240
I bet you could find you a married couple!
In this country? Shit!
512
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,493
I bet you! You can
find a married couple!
513
00:31:31,518 --> 00:31:33,802
In one of them trailer
parks or something...
514
00:31:34,314 --> 00:31:36,993
...who'd be perfectly willing
to sit in a love seat...
515
00:31:37,113 --> 00:31:39,792
...and blow each other's head off
with shotguns!
516
00:31:39,865 --> 00:31:43,013
...while a love song is playing!
People are fucking nuts!
517
00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:45,336
This country is full of
nitwits and assholes!
518
00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:46,769
Did you ever notice that?
519
00:31:46,843 --> 00:31:50,003
Oh my goodness, yes!
Oh my goodness, right!
520
00:31:54,574 --> 00:31:59,035
Nitwits, assholes, fuck-ups, scumbags,
jerk-offs and dipshits!
521
00:31:59,155 --> 00:32:01,921
...and they all vote!
522
00:32:02,710 --> 00:32:04,325
They all vote, yeah!
523
00:32:04,350 --> 00:32:07,741
In fact, sometimes you get the impression
they're the only ones who vote!
524
00:32:08,139 --> 00:32:11,960
You can usually tell us they've doing the voting
by looking at the fucking election returns!
525
00:32:12,014 --> 00:32:14,170
Man, sure it ain't me out
there wasting my time
526
00:32:14,195 --> 00:32:16,269
in a meaningless activity like that!
527
00:32:16,294 --> 00:32:18,192
You know those people on
the Jerry Springer Show?
528
00:32:18,217 --> 00:32:20,622
Those are the average Americans!
529
00:32:20,766 --> 00:32:23,691
Oh yeah? Believe me!
Below average can't get on the show!
530
00:32:24,019 --> 00:32:28,105
Can't get on! Below average just sit
at home watching that shit on TV!
531
00:32:28,597 --> 00:32:30,901
Getting ready to go out and vote!
532
00:32:31,482 --> 00:32:33,668
Filling out the sample ballot!
533
00:32:33,788 --> 00:32:36,689
People are fucking dumb!
534
00:32:36,935 --> 00:32:39,966
You can say what you want about this
country! And I love this place!
535
00:32:39,991 --> 00:32:42,489
I love the freedoms
we used to have...
536
00:32:42,893 --> 00:32:45,490
I love it! I love that!
You know?
537
00:32:50,711 --> 00:32:53,148
I loved it when it didn't take
a fucking catastrophe
538
00:32:53,173 --> 00:32:55,576
to get us to care
for one another...
539
00:32:55,601 --> 00:32:59,185
I love the fact that we're on camera
all the time from all angles...
540
00:32:59,250 --> 00:33:02,250
But you know? You can say what you want
about America! I say, I love this place...
541
00:33:02,275 --> 00:33:06,181
I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't live in any
other time in history, or any other place, but...
542
00:33:06,206 --> 00:33:09,156
...Say what you want about America!
Land of the free, home of the brave...
543
00:33:09,181 --> 00:33:12,564
We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers
floatin' around in this country!
544
00:33:12,684 --> 00:33:15,981
Dumb-ass motherfuckers!
You know? Yeah!
545
00:33:17,592 --> 00:33:21,433
Now, obviously, that doesn't include this
audience! I understand that!
546
00:33:21,553 --> 00:33:24,349
You seem intelligent and perceptive,
but the rest of them...
547
00:33:24,374 --> 00:33:26,835
Holy jump and fucking shitballs!
548
00:33:27,979 --> 00:33:31,355
Dumber than a second coat of paint!
549
00:33:31,984 --> 00:33:34,827
And this ain't just rant and raving!
This ain't just blowin' off steam!
550
00:33:34,852 --> 00:33:37,214
I've got a little evidence
to support my claim!
551
00:33:37,310 --> 00:33:40,676
It just seems to me, seems to me...
552
00:33:40,908 --> 00:33:43,964
...that only a really
low IQ population could
553
00:33:43,989 --> 00:33:46,303
have taken this
beautiful continent...
554
00:33:46,430 --> 00:33:50,380
...this magnificent American landscape,
that we inherited...
555
00:33:50,954 --> 00:33:54,385
Well, actually, we stole it from
the Mexicans and Indians, but...
556
00:33:54,713 --> 00:33:57,338
Hey, it was nice when we stole it!
557
00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,385
Looked pretty good, it was pristine...!
558
00:34:00,505 --> 00:34:03,652
Paradise! Have you seen it lately?
559
00:34:03,772 --> 00:34:07,533
Have you taken a good look at it lately?
It's fucking embarrassing!
560
00:34:07,653 --> 00:34:10,936
Only a nation of unenlightened
half-wits...
561
00:34:11,056 --> 00:34:14,940
...could have taken this beautiful place,
and turned it into what it is today...
562
00:34:15,060 --> 00:34:20,106
A shopping mall! A big fucking
shopping mall!
563
00:34:20,872 --> 00:34:23,004
You know that?
564
00:34:23,291 --> 00:34:28,744
That's all you've got here, folks!
Mile after mile of mall after mall!
565
00:34:28,864 --> 00:34:31,478
Many, many malls!
Major malls and mini-malls!
566
00:34:31,503 --> 00:34:33,663
They put the mini-malls in
between the major malls!
567
00:34:33,688 --> 00:34:35,979
And in between the mini-malls
they put the mini-marts!
568
00:34:36,004 --> 00:34:38,238
And in between the mini-marts
you've got the car lots,
569
00:34:38,263 --> 00:34:41,126
gas stations, muffle shops,
laundromats, cheap hotels...
570
00:34:41,151 --> 00:34:43,901
...fast food joints, strip clubs
and dirty bookstores...!
571
00:34:43,949 --> 00:34:48,152
America, the beautiful! One big
transcontinental commercial cesspool!
572
00:34:48,246 --> 00:34:50,027
And how do the people
feel about all this?
573
00:34:50,052 --> 00:34:53,137
How do the people feel about living
in a coast to coast shopping mall?
574
00:34:53,233 --> 00:34:57,254
Well, they think it's
JUST FUCKING DANDY!
575
00:34:57,651 --> 00:35:01,547
They think it is cool as can be!
'Cause Americans love the mall!
576
00:35:01,667 --> 00:35:04,096
They love the mall!
That's where they get to
577
00:35:04,121 --> 00:35:06,524
satisfy their two most
prominent addictions!
578
00:35:06,549 --> 00:35:10,253
At the same time!
Shopping and eating!
579
00:35:10,484 --> 00:35:15,158
Millions of semi-conscious americans,
day after day, shuffling through the malls!
580
00:35:15,278 --> 00:35:19,395
Shopping, and eating! Especially eating!
Americans love to eat!
581
00:35:19,515 --> 00:35:23,358
They are fatally attracted to
the slow death of fast food!
582
00:35:23,390 --> 00:35:25,531
Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple
bacon cheeseburgers,
583
00:35:25,556 --> 00:35:27,759
deep-fried butter dip and
pork fat, cheese whiz...
584
00:35:27,784 --> 00:35:30,390
mayonnaise, soup, barbecue,
mozzarella, paddy malts...
585
00:35:30,415 --> 00:35:33,087
Americans will eat anything!
Anything! Anything!
586
00:35:33,183 --> 00:35:37,736
If you were selling saut�d racoon
assholes on a stick...!
587
00:35:38,610 --> 00:35:41,411
Americans would buy them and eat them!
588
00:35:41,531 --> 00:35:45,074
...especially if you dip them in butter
and put a little sauce on them!
589
00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:48,424
This country is big time, pig time!
590
00:35:48,544 --> 00:35:51,911
Forget the bald eagle! You know what the
national emblem of this country ought to be?
591
00:35:51,936 --> 00:35:54,915
A big bowl of macaroni and cheese!
592
00:35:54,940 --> 00:35:57,992
A big bowl! 'Cause everything in this
country is king-size!
593
00:35:58,112 --> 00:36:03,185
King-size, extra-large and super-jumbo!
Especially the fucking people!
594
00:36:03,868 --> 00:36:06,444
Have you seen some of the
people in this country?
595
00:36:06,469 --> 00:36:11,068
Have you taken a good look at some of these
big, fat motherfuckers walking around?
596
00:36:11,164 --> 00:36:14,598
Big, fat motherfuckers?
597
00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:19,736
Oh, my god! Huge piles of
redundant protoplasm!
598
00:36:20,064 --> 00:36:24,219
Lumbering through the malls, like a fleet
of interstate buzzards!
599
00:36:24,339 --> 00:36:26,581
The people in this
country are immense!
600
00:36:26,606 --> 00:36:31,363
Massive bellies! Monstruous
thighs and big fat fucking asses!
601
00:36:31,913 --> 00:36:34,692
And if you stand there for a minute,
you look at one of them
602
00:36:34,717 --> 00:36:36,850
and you begin to wonder...
603
00:36:37,900 --> 00:36:40,756
"How does this woman take a shit?"
604
00:36:42,424 --> 00:36:44,365
"How does she shit?"
605
00:36:44,485 --> 00:36:48,151
And even more frightening,
"How does she wipe her ass?"
606
00:36:48,847 --> 00:36:51,758
"Can she even locate her asshole?"
607
00:36:52,073 --> 00:36:54,902
She must require assistance!
608
00:36:55,161 --> 00:36:58,168
"Are paramedics trained in this field?"
609
00:36:58,441 --> 00:37:00,345
And standing right next
to her, of course,
610
00:37:00,370 --> 00:37:02,674
with a plate full of nachos
and a mouthful of pie...
611
00:37:02,699 --> 00:37:05,520
...her clueless fucking husband
Joe Sixpack!
612
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,855
...with his monstruous swollen beer belly
hangly dangerously over his belt...
613
00:37:08,904 --> 00:37:11,047
Beer, belt, buckle!
This guy ain't seen
614
00:37:11,072 --> 00:37:13,267
his dick since the
Nixon administration!
615
00:37:14,728 --> 00:37:16,950
And if you stand there, and you
look at the two of them,
616
00:37:16,975 --> 00:37:19,060
you begin to wonder to yourself...
617
00:37:19,885 --> 00:37:22,537
"Do these people fuck?"
618
00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:26,090
"Is this man actually capable
of fucking this woman?"
619
00:37:26,210 --> 00:37:29,453
It doesn't seem structurally possible...!
620
00:37:29,573 --> 00:37:32,883
...that these two people can
achieve penetration!
621
00:37:33,156 --> 00:37:36,723
Maybe they're into that
soul-to-soul lay or something!
622
00:37:37,748 --> 00:37:40,290
I'm telling you, the people
in this country...
623
00:37:40,410 --> 00:37:45,402
...are every half... everyone of them is
50 pounds overweight! They're gargantuan!
624
00:37:45,522 --> 00:37:48,681
And in the summertime!
God help us!
625
00:37:48,955 --> 00:37:52,508
In the summertime they all wanna
wear short pants!
626
00:37:52,628 --> 00:37:55,665
Jesus Lord, protector of all that is
good and Holy!
627
00:37:55,785 --> 00:37:59,219
Deliver me from fat people
in short pants!
628
00:37:59,339 --> 00:38:04,808
They all got short pants, big bellies,
fat thighs and dumb kids!
629
00:38:04,928 --> 00:38:07,009
Everyone of them has got
two dumb-ass kids with them!
630
00:38:07,129 --> 00:38:08,949
And the whole family
is wearing T-shirts!
631
00:38:08,974 --> 00:38:12,924
And everyone of them's got the
same T-shirt! "I'm with stupid!"
632
00:38:13,020 --> 00:38:16,945
Apparently, in this country, the Stupids
are an extended family!
633
00:38:16,986 --> 00:38:20,348
And besides of wearing them T-shirts,
everyone in the family has got on a backpack!
634
00:38:20,373 --> 00:38:22,435
They've got a backpack,
strapped to their back,
635
00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:25,457
so they can carry around
lots of stupid shit!
636
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,333
And the reason they've got to carry
this stupid shit strapped to their
637
00:38:28,358 --> 00:38:32,296
backs is because their hands must
remain free at all times to hold food!
638
00:38:32,622 --> 00:38:35,327
...and to get that food up to the mouth
where they can shovel in...!
639
00:38:35,352 --> 00:38:38,772
...with all the rest of the disgusting
shit they ate that day!
640
00:38:39,471 --> 00:38:40,693
And...
641
00:38:41,874 --> 00:38:43,528
Another reason for the backpacks
642
00:38:43,553 --> 00:38:46,304
is these people are gonna
buy even more stupid shit!
643
00:38:46,357 --> 00:38:48,021
They ain't got enough
stupid shit at home!
644
00:38:48,046 --> 00:38:51,070
They just had a stupid shit sale,
they're gonna buy more!
645
00:38:51,166 --> 00:38:53,431
They are gonna go out the
parking lot and stuff this
646
00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:56,987
stuff into the big, fat,
ugly, oversized S.U.V....!
647
00:38:57,083 --> 00:39:00,109
They've got plenty of room
in it for the stupid shit
648
00:39:00,134 --> 00:39:02,226
and lots of room left
over for these big,
649
00:39:02,251 --> 00:39:04,159
fat, ugly motherfuckers
to get them home!
650
00:39:04,231 --> 00:39:07,937
Stopping, of course, for jelly roll
and fried dough!
651
00:39:08,057 --> 00:39:12,775
These people are efficient, professional
compulsive consumers!
652
00:39:12,832 --> 00:39:16,668
It's their civic duty! Consumption!
It's the new national pastime!
653
00:39:16,693 --> 00:39:19,192
Fuck baseball! It's consumption!
654
00:39:19,217 --> 00:39:22,971
The only true lasting American
value that's left...!
655
00:39:22,996 --> 00:39:25,362
Buying things! Buying things!
656
00:39:25,387 --> 00:39:28,152
People spend the money they don't
have on things they don't need!
657
00:39:28,175 --> 00:39:30,337
Money they don't have on
things they don't need!
658
00:39:30,363 --> 00:39:32,816
So they can max up their credit
cards and spend the rest of
659
00:39:32,841 --> 00:39:36,598
their lives paying 18% interest
on something that cost $12.50!
660
00:39:36,678 --> 00:39:39,043
And they didn't like it when they
got at home, anyway!
661
00:39:39,131 --> 00:39:41,758
Not too bright, folks!
Not too fucking bright!
662
00:39:41,831 --> 00:39:45,199
But if you talk to one of them about this,
the guys will be sitting down, rationally,
663
00:39:45,224 --> 00:39:49,050
you talk to them about low IQs, and their
dumb behavior, and their bad decisions...
664
00:39:49,075 --> 00:39:50,995
...right away they start
talking about education!
665
00:39:51,020 --> 00:39:53,097
That's the big answer to
everything! Education!
666
00:39:53,128 --> 00:39:54,894
That's why we need more
money for education!
667
00:39:54,919 --> 00:39:57,986
We need more books, more teachers,
more classrooms, more schools!
668
00:39:58,011 --> 00:39:59,941
We need more testing for the kids!
669
00:40:00,061 --> 00:40:02,113
They say: "Well, you know,
we tried all of that
670
00:40:02,138 --> 00:40:04,379
and the kids still can't
pass the tests!"
671
00:40:04,475 --> 00:40:07,977
They say: "Oh, don't you worry about that!
We're gonna lower the passing grades!"
672
00:40:08,002 --> 00:40:09,775
That's what they're doing
at a lot of these schools!
673
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,728
Now they're lowering the passing
grades so more kids can pass!
674
00:40:11,753 --> 00:40:14,041
More kids pass, the school
looks good, everybody's happy,
675
00:40:14,066 --> 00:40:16,368
the IQ of the country steps
another two or three points...
676
00:40:16,393 --> 00:40:20,511
...and pretty soon all you need to get
into College is a fucking pencil!
677
00:40:21,357 --> 00:40:24,268
Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there!
It's Physics!
678
00:40:24,388 --> 00:40:28,491
Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries
graduate more scientists than we do...
679
00:40:28,611 --> 00:40:32,236
"Education!" Politicians know that word!
They use it on you!
680
00:40:32,356 --> 00:40:35,502
Politicians have traditionally hidden
behind three things:
681
00:40:35,622 --> 00:40:38,159
The flag, the Bible
and children!
682
00:40:38,184 --> 00:40:41,174
"No child left behind!",
"No child left behind!"
683
00:40:41,270 --> 00:40:44,701
Oh, really? Well, it wasn't long ago they were
talking about giving kids a head start!
684
00:40:44,821 --> 00:40:49,593
Head start? Left behind?
Someone's losing fucking ground here!
685
00:40:50,126 --> 00:40:53,051
But there's a reason, there's a reason,
there's a reason for this...
686
00:40:53,171 --> 00:40:55,131
There's a reason education sucks,
687
00:40:55,163 --> 00:40:59,102
and it's the same reason that
will never, ever, ever, be fixed...
688
00:40:59,198 --> 00:41:01,783
It's never gonna get any better!
Don't look for it!
689
00:41:01,808 --> 00:41:03,369
Be happy with what
you've got!
690
00:41:03,394 --> 00:41:06,761
Because the owners of this country
don't want that!
691
00:41:06,981 --> 00:41:09,020
I'm talking about the real owners now,
692
00:41:09,045 --> 00:41:12,213
The real owners! The big,
wealthy business interests that
693
00:41:12,238 --> 00:41:15,054
control things and make all
the important decisions!
694
00:41:15,083 --> 00:41:16,536
Forget the politicians!
695
00:41:16,561 --> 00:41:20,434
The politicians are put there to give you
the idea that you have freedom of choice!
696
00:41:20,459 --> 00:41:21,649
You don't!
697
00:41:21,674 --> 00:41:25,747
You have no choice! You have owners!
They own you!
698
00:41:25,812 --> 00:41:29,278
They own everything!
They own all the important land...
699
00:41:29,303 --> 00:41:30,951
They own and control the corporations,
700
00:41:30,976 --> 00:41:34,828
they've long since bought and paid for the Senate,
the Congress, the State Houses, the City Halls...
701
00:41:34,853 --> 00:41:36,490
They've got the judges
in their back pockets,
702
00:41:36,515 --> 00:41:39,037
and they all own all the big media
companies, so they control...
703
00:41:39,057 --> 00:41:41,475
...just about all the news and
information you get to hear!
704
00:41:41,500 --> 00:41:43,574
They got you by the balls!
705
00:41:43,670 --> 00:41:50,607
They spend billions of dollars every year
lobbying, lobbying to get what they want!
706
00:41:50,727 --> 00:41:52,344
Well, we know what they want!
707
00:41:52,368 --> 00:41:55,083
They want more for themselves,
and less for everyboy else!
708
00:41:55,108 --> 00:41:56,849
But I'll tell you
what they don't want!
709
00:41:56,945 --> 00:42:00,327
They don't want a population of
citizens capable of critical thinking!
710
00:42:00,475 --> 00:42:03,045
They don't want well-informed,
well-educated people
711
00:42:03,069 --> 00:42:04,372
capable of critical thinking!
712
00:42:04,397 --> 00:42:06,871
They're not interested in that!
That doesn't help them!
713
00:42:06,991 --> 00:42:10,272
That's against their interest!
That's right!
714
00:42:10,607 --> 00:42:14,021
They don't want people who are smart enough to
sit around the kitchen table and figure out how
715
00:42:14,046 --> 00:42:17,450
badly they're getting fucked by a system that
threw it overboard thirty fucking years ago...
716
00:42:17,475 --> 00:42:21,638
They don't want that! You know what
they want? They want obedient workers!
717
00:42:21,663 --> 00:42:23,569
Obedient workers!
718
00:42:23,621 --> 00:42:26,872
People who are just smart enough to run
the machines and do the paperwork,
719
00:42:26,897 --> 00:42:29,354
and just dumb enough
to passively accept...
720
00:42:29,379 --> 00:42:33,022
...all these increasingly shittier jobs,
with the lower pay, the longer hours,
721
00:42:33,047 --> 00:42:35,264
the reduced benefits,
the end of overtime...
722
00:42:35,289 --> 00:42:38,153
...and the vanishing pension that
disappears the minute you go to collect it,
723
00:42:38,178 --> 00:42:41,592
and now they're coming for
your social security money!
724
00:42:41,645 --> 00:42:45,130
They want your fucking retirement money!
They want it back!
725
00:42:45,250 --> 00:42:48,122
So they can give it to their
criminal friends on Wall Street!
726
00:42:48,147 --> 00:42:51,492
And you know something? They'll get it!
They'll get it all from you sooner or later!
727
00:42:51,517 --> 00:42:56,447
'Cause they own this fucking place!
It's a big club! And you ain't in it!
728
00:42:57,704 --> 00:43:00,959
You and I are not in the big club!
729
00:43:00,984 --> 00:43:03,304
By the way, it's the same big
club that used to beat you over
730
00:43:03,329 --> 00:43:05,742
the head with all day long and
they tell you what to believe...
731
00:43:05,767 --> 00:43:08,022
All day long, beating you
over the head in the media,
732
00:43:08,047 --> 00:43:10,514
telling you what to believe,
what to think and what to buy...
733
00:43:10,610 --> 00:43:13,548
The table is tilted, folks!
The game is rigged!
734
00:43:13,618 --> 00:43:17,407
And nobody seems to notice,
and nobody seems to care!
735
00:43:17,527 --> 00:43:20,033
Good honest, hard-working people!
White collar, blue collar...
736
00:43:20,058 --> 00:43:21,886
Doesn't matter what
colour shirt you have on!
737
00:43:21,982 --> 00:43:24,247
Good honest, hard-working
people continue...
738
00:43:24,272 --> 00:43:25,836
These are people of
modest means...!
739
00:43:25,932 --> 00:43:30,063
...continue to elect these rich cocksuckers
who don't give a fuck about them!
740
00:43:30,248 --> 00:43:34,709
They don't give a fuck about you!
They don't care about you!
741
00:43:34,829 --> 00:43:41,202
At all! At all! At all!
Yeah! You know?
742
00:43:42,403 --> 00:43:45,164
And nobody seems to notice,
nobody seems to care...
743
00:43:45,284 --> 00:43:46,700
That's what the owners count on!
744
00:43:46,725 --> 00:43:48,826
The fact that Americans
will probably remain...
745
00:43:48,851 --> 00:43:51,557
...wilfully ignorant of the
big red, white and blue
746
00:43:51,582 --> 00:43:54,495
dick that's being jammed up
their assholes every day...
747
00:43:54,756 --> 00:43:57,574
Because the owners of this
country know the truth!
748
00:43:57,623 --> 00:43:59,528
It's called the
American dream...
749
00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:02,495
...'cause you have to be
asleep to believe it!
750
00:44:03,186 --> 00:44:07,252
But, say what you want
about American folks! Yeah!
751
00:44:07,675 --> 00:44:09,996
You can say what you
want about Americans,
752
00:44:10,021 --> 00:44:12,123
you can call 'em smart,
dumb, ignorant, innocent,
753
00:44:12,148 --> 00:44:15,303
naive, gullible. easily-led,
whatever you want...
754
00:44:15,394 --> 00:44:19,334
You're gonna have to deal with them, 'cause
you're in the television business now!
755
00:44:19,359 --> 00:44:22,521
You've got the All-Suicide
Channel on cable TV!
756
00:44:22,615 --> 00:44:25,239
You need these people as viewers,
you need people looking in!
757
00:44:25,264 --> 00:44:26,918
You gotta worry
about your ratings!
758
00:44:26,943 --> 00:44:29,365
You're gonna have to be thinking
about sweeps months!
759
00:44:29,485 --> 00:44:32,466
Most folks know what sweeps months are!
Those are the more important sweeps
760
00:44:32,491 --> 00:44:35,802
ratings, months of the year when they
pull out on the biggest attractions
761
00:44:35,827 --> 00:44:37,977
and their highest stars, trying to
pump out their ratings a little bit,
762
00:44:38,002 --> 00:44:40,127
get their local stations to
adjust their advertising needs...
763
00:44:40,151 --> 00:44:45,486
You're gonna have to compete with
the mentality of Network television!
764
00:44:45,565 --> 00:44:48,393
And I think, on an All-Suicide Channel...
765
00:44:48,588 --> 00:44:52,830
During sweeps months? You're gonna have
to go mass suicides!
766
00:44:52,963 --> 00:44:56,307
Big, public events where hundreds of people
kill themselves all at the same time,...
767
00:44:56,339 --> 00:44:57,777
...right on Live TV!
768
00:44:57,802 --> 00:45:00,344
And I've been wresting with the way to do
this! I've been trying to figure this out -
769
00:45:00,369 --> 00:45:02,877
I swear to God! This is the truth! I've been
trying to figure this part of it out...
770
00:45:02,902 --> 00:45:07,202
...for six months now, and I only recently having,
so I'm gonna tell you about it... Now!
771
00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:10,391
We're gonna have to get lots and lots
of people to kill themselves on demand!
772
00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:12,203
How are we gonna do this?
That's the question!
773
00:45:12,228 --> 00:45:16,813
How are gonna get large numbers of people to
commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing?
774
00:45:16,838 --> 00:45:19,844
And I mean large numbers! Because
don't forget! Besides sweeps,
775
00:45:19,869 --> 00:45:22,696
we're gonna have to be thinking
about 24-hour a day programming!
776
00:45:22,721 --> 00:45:25,399
So, to make this work, we need
organization! We need a system!
777
00:45:25,424 --> 00:45:29,757
Can't just sit around the studio all day long and
wait for people to drop by and commit suicide!
778
00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:34,404
What we have to do is build a large pool
of hopeless people!
779
00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:39,118
Suicide volunteers! People with no hope!
People whom society has given up on,
780
00:45:39,143 --> 00:45:41,823
faith has given up on, or who
have given up on themselves!
781
00:45:41,919 --> 00:45:45,485
Rock-bottom, dead-end, totally
fucked-up people with no hope
782
00:45:45,510 --> 00:45:49,329
and no reason to live! And we
got our share of them, folks!
783
00:45:49,362 --> 00:45:52,141
Think of it as a pyramid, that
will give you a visual fix-on!
784
00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:55,152
Think of it as a pyramid! The
pyramid of the hopeless!
785
00:45:55,190 --> 00:45:58,016
We're gonna start building this pyramid
at the very base, naturally,
786
00:45:58,041 --> 00:46:01,724
and the bottom layer is
gonna be... homeless people!
787
00:46:01,820 --> 00:46:05,930
God knows we've got plenty of them! Nobody
gives a fuck about them, nobody's got a plan,
788
00:46:05,962 --> 00:46:09,179
nobody's got any money, nobody's
got a programme, nobody gives a fuck!
789
00:46:09,204 --> 00:46:11,446
...about homeless people! We don't
know how many we have, even!
790
00:46:11,471 --> 00:46:15,711
We know 500,000 of them are veterans, 'cause
we're so good to the veterans in this country...
791
00:46:15,736 --> 00:46:19,822
...and we know about 1,400,000 of them
are children!
792
00:46:19,908 --> 00:46:23,197
...so we got a million and a half children,
then God knows how many more we've got!
793
00:46:23,222 --> 00:46:27,018
Totally fucking hopeless!
In the pyramid they go!
794
00:46:27,369 --> 00:46:30,963
And the next group we're gonna put in
here, these are the people in prison!
795
00:46:30,994 --> 00:46:33,516
With these long sentences
they've been given...
796
00:46:33,612 --> 00:46:35,596
Many of them deserved,
I'll grant you that!
797
00:46:35,628 --> 00:46:39,469
I'm sure half the people in prison are
in there for things they really did...
798
00:46:39,494 --> 00:46:41,760
That's not a bad average,
one out of two!
799
00:46:41,994 --> 00:46:44,291
But nobody gives a shit about these people,
800
00:46:44,316 --> 00:46:48,030
nobody's gonna hire them if they do get out!
They're never gonna get out, rehabilitation doesn't work...
801
00:46:48,054 --> 00:46:51,193
And the judges give them these fucking
draconian sentences, 40, 50, 60,
802
00:46:51,218 --> 00:46:54,258
70, 80, 100 years sentences,
life-term, double life!
803
00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:56,776
One guy, about a month
ago, was given three
804
00:46:56,801 --> 00:47:00,718
consecutive life-terms,
plus two death penalties!
805
00:47:00,814 --> 00:47:03,151
How the fuck do you serve that?
806
00:47:03,979 --> 00:47:06,736
Even David Copperfield
can't do that shit!
807
00:47:07,135 --> 00:47:10,283
In order to do that,
you have to be a hindu!
808
00:47:12,057 --> 00:47:15,268
And then you've got the people on
death row! They ain't going anywhere!
809
00:47:15,307 --> 00:47:17,393
In the fucking
pyramid they go!
810
00:47:17,651 --> 00:47:20,860
Now the next layer,
this group is self-selected!
811
00:47:20,885 --> 00:47:24,844
Self-selected! And a bit controversial
to some of you, I guess!
812
00:47:24,869 --> 00:47:28,393
These are these people who
claim to be depressed! OK?
813
00:47:28,424 --> 00:47:30,760
Apparently, in this land of plenty...
814
00:47:30,819 --> 00:47:34,361
..this richest nation in the history of
the world, we're so proud of saying that!
815
00:47:34,393 --> 00:47:37,166
Some supermarkets have
100,000 items in them...
816
00:47:37,199 --> 00:47:41,135
...we have 19,000,000 Americans
claiming to be depressed,
817
00:47:41,174 --> 00:47:42,815
and some of them
taking medicine for it!
818
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:45,101
Sometimes the medicine makes
them want to commit suicide,
819
00:47:45,126 --> 00:47:47,191
and that depresses the shit
out of the rest of them!
820
00:47:47,289 --> 00:47:50,619
Then you have these people who
only think they are depressed,
821
00:47:50,644 --> 00:47:53,758
'cause they saw the commercial on TV
and the doctor looked like a good guy...
822
00:47:53,783 --> 00:47:55,680
The music sounded kind of peppy,
and what the fuck!
823
00:47:55,705 --> 00:47:58,354
Some of these pills are probably
just pick me right up...!
824
00:47:58,869 --> 00:48:03,479
Totally fucking hopeless minds...
In the fucking pyramid!
825
00:48:03,599 --> 00:48:07,618
Up at the very top we are gonna put
the people who are truly sick!
826
00:48:07,838 --> 00:48:10,174
The terminally ill, unfortunately.
827
00:48:10,214 --> 00:48:12,689
No hope for a lot of them!
Hundreds of thosands of them,
828
00:48:12,714 --> 00:48:14,633
there's no cure for what they have...
829
00:48:14,658 --> 00:48:16,580
There's no cure 'cause
nobody's looking for one!
830
00:48:16,605 --> 00:48:18,951
There aren't enough people sick, so there
ain't no money in the fucking cure...
831
00:48:18,976 --> 00:48:21,907
Then there's people who've got... There's a cure,
but they don't have the money for it,
832
00:48:21,932 --> 00:48:26,276
or there's a cure but they're too far gone,
or there's no social means to get to it...
833
00:48:26,317 --> 00:48:30,213
...so these people ain't going anywhere,
they should be allowed to commit suicide...
834
00:48:30,291 --> 00:48:32,135
In the fucking pyramid they go!
835
00:48:32,190 --> 00:48:34,477
Now, think of what you got here, folks!
836
00:48:34,502 --> 00:48:36,947
Think of yourselves as the
executive vice-president
837
00:48:36,972 --> 00:48:39,266
of programming at the
All-Suicide Channel!
838
00:48:39,291 --> 00:48:43,245
Think of what you have to work with
in the pyramid of the hopeless!
839
00:48:43,270 --> 00:48:48,464
You've have homeless,
imprisoned, condemned...
840
00:48:48,654 --> 00:48:51,360
...depressed and terminally ill people!
841
00:48:51,394 --> 00:48:54,861
And I'm gonna bet you anything!
In this depraved culture of ours,
842
00:48:54,886 --> 00:48:56,504
bet you anything...
843
00:48:56,529 --> 00:49:00,034
...with the reality-show mentality we have,
on the All-Suicide Channel
844
00:49:00,059 --> 00:49:02,683
you could get five hundred...
845
00:49:02,802 --> 00:49:08,929
...of these hopeless people, to hold hands
and jump into the Grand Canyon!
846
00:49:09,049 --> 00:49:13,221
I'll fucking bet you! You can get that
done in this country right this now!
847
00:49:13,245 --> 00:49:17,612
I'll bet you! For money! You gotta give
them something, you know, you've gotta...
848
00:49:17,697 --> 00:49:21,849
Oh, shit! They're Americans!
They're for sale! Give them a little something!
849
00:49:21,919 --> 00:49:25,483
Americans will do anything, but you gotta
give them a toaster, don't you?
850
00:49:25,603 --> 00:49:29,034
Give them a little prize of some kind!
Everybody wants a gizmo! Give'em a gizmo!
851
00:49:29,059 --> 00:49:30,571
Give them a cellphone,
give them a laptop!
852
00:49:30,596 --> 00:49:32,517
Give them a cellphone which
takes the picture of a laptop!
853
00:49:32,542 --> 00:49:35,331
Give them a laptop which takes
the picture of a cellphone!
854
00:49:35,524 --> 00:49:38,720
Give one of them three-wheeled vehicles,
give them an all-terrain vehicle!
855
00:49:38,745 --> 00:49:41,462
Give them one of them ride-on lawnmowers,
give them a snowblower,
856
00:49:41,487 --> 00:49:43,574
give them an outdoor barbecue,
or a jetski...
857
00:49:43,599 --> 00:49:46,117
Give them one of them things that they
buy for themselves when they're trying
858
00:49:46,142 --> 00:49:48,646
to take their minds off of how badly
they're getting fucked by the system...!
859
00:49:48,671 --> 00:49:51,065
I know what you do!
Just before these people jump,
860
00:49:51,097 --> 00:49:53,807
you give them a hat
with a camera in it!
861
00:49:55,038 --> 00:49:57,744
And you tell them
it's Jump-Cam!
862
00:49:57,769 --> 00:50:00,445
Tell them you send the
video home to the family!
863
00:50:00,470 --> 00:50:03,940
T-Shirt! Who don't want a T-Shirt!?
Everybody does! Give them a nice T-Shirt!
864
00:50:03,980 --> 00:50:07,933
"I commited suicide and all I got
was a stupid fucking T-Shirt!"
865
00:50:08,679 --> 00:50:10,862
Alright? Now!
866
00:50:13,510 --> 00:50:16,540
If you wanna really raise the
profile of this promotion,
867
00:50:16,565 --> 00:50:20,386
get some of those Evangelical Christians
to volunteer for it...
868
00:50:20,411 --> 00:50:23,040
And you call it "Jump for Jesus!"
869
00:50:23,572 --> 00:50:26,851
"Jump for Jesus!" They would buy it!
They would go for it!
870
00:50:26,876 --> 00:50:29,460
Hey, you gotta be fair
about these Christians!
871
00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:31,929
They've come in for a lot
of abuse these days...
872
00:50:31,954 --> 00:50:37,215
You do have to be fair! All a Christian
really wants out of life is to die!
873
00:50:37,571 --> 00:50:39,712
And go see Jesus!
874
00:50:39,915 --> 00:50:42,235
Give them a helping hand!
875
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:44,378
Do the Christian thing!
876
00:50:44,403 --> 00:50:46,547
Tell them it's a shortcut to heaven!
877
00:50:46,572 --> 00:50:48,790
Mention the word "martyr!"
Works on the Muslims, works on
878
00:50:48,815 --> 00:50:51,008
the Catholics, might work on
these folks, you never know!
879
00:50:51,032 --> 00:50:53,618
Hey! I know...
880
00:50:54,407 --> 00:50:56,399
Give them a little encouragement!
881
00:50:56,517 --> 00:51:00,931
Go on, you fanatical fucks!
He's down there! He's down there!
882
00:51:01,108 --> 00:51:04,368
He's down there! He's at the
bottom of the Canyon!
883
00:51:04,423 --> 00:51:07,204
Look for the man with
the glowing head!
884
00:51:07,524 --> 00:51:10,227
Oh, you're gonna have a lot of
fun with a channel like that!
885
00:51:10,353 --> 00:51:15,320
But you know something, folks? Maybe you don't
wanna be on cable! It is a limited audience...
886
00:51:15,345 --> 00:51:17,977
You might wanna widen out,
get more people looking in!
887
00:51:18,002 --> 00:51:22,105
You're gonna have to go to one
of the Big Broadcast Networks...
888
00:51:22,130 --> 00:51:25,812
And I don't know about you, but when I think
about suicide and Broadcast Network television,
889
00:51:25,837 --> 00:51:28,478
I'm thinking Fox, Huh?
890
00:51:28,735 --> 00:51:30,087
I'm telling you, Fox!
891
00:51:30,134 --> 00:51:33,116
If the people at Fox aren't sitting around
and having meetings about an idea like this,
892
00:51:33,141 --> 00:51:35,251
they ain't doing their goddam
jobs over there...!
893
00:51:35,524 --> 00:51:38,202
You put this thing on Fox,
get Budweisser to sponsor it!
894
00:51:38,227 --> 00:51:40,305
Budweisser and a whole
bunch of car companies,
895
00:51:40,330 --> 00:51:43,168
so people we think about drinking
and driving at the same time...
896
00:51:43,266 --> 00:51:46,234
Ain't that fun to watch the sporting
events on American Television?
897
00:51:46,259 --> 00:51:49,423
"Drink this, drive that, fuck you!"
They don't care!
898
00:51:49,594 --> 00:51:50,985
They don't give a shit about you!
899
00:51:51,017 --> 00:51:54,158
And then every now and then
they qualify the whole message!
900
00:51:54,183 --> 00:51:56,933
"Drink responsably!"
901
00:52:00,847 --> 00:52:04,023
So you put this thing on Fox,
and if you do, if you do
902
00:52:04,048 --> 00:52:06,518
or in any Broadcast Network...
903
00:52:06,543 --> 00:52:08,609
You're gonna have to bring
in that younger audience!
904
00:52:08,634 --> 00:52:09,766
Everybody knows that!
905
00:52:09,791 --> 00:52:13,102
That's what the advertisers are
looking for, it's 18 to 24 year olds
906
00:52:13,127 --> 00:52:15,493
You're gonna have to get young
people interested in this!
907
00:52:15,550 --> 00:52:17,798
You know how you get young
people interested in suicide?
908
00:52:17,853 --> 00:52:19,791
You don't call it suicide!
909
00:52:19,842 --> 00:52:22,735
You call it "Extreme Living!"
910
00:52:23,462 --> 00:52:24,782
They would go for it!
911
00:52:24,814 --> 00:52:28,250
Listen, young people are attracted
to suicide in the first place!
912
00:52:28,275 --> 00:52:32,897
Did you know suicide is the third leading
cause of death between 15 and 24?
913
00:52:32,922 --> 00:52:36,779
It's the third! Ninth in
the general population!
914
00:52:36,852 --> 00:52:38,579
That'll give you an
idea of how popular
915
00:52:38,604 --> 00:52:41,118
this after-school activity
has become...!
916
00:52:41,436 --> 00:52:45,567
...among our teenage folks!
Especially these young boys...
917
00:52:45,649 --> 00:52:47,860
...these adolescent males,
918
00:52:47,931 --> 00:52:51,579
and a lot of them, you know?
A lot of them...
919
00:52:51,604 --> 00:52:54,563
They kill themselves when
they're jerking off...!
920
00:52:55,165 --> 00:52:58,810
They don't mean to!
It just happens!
921
00:52:58,930 --> 00:53:03,088
You know about that? Yeah!
Some of you know! I can tell!
922
00:53:03,113 --> 00:53:05,688
A lot of people don't know that! A lot of
people never heard of that, you know?
923
00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:07,757
It's just one of those things
Americans can't handle!
924
00:53:07,782 --> 00:53:09,882
"We can't handle that!
We don't talk about that!"
925
00:53:09,907 --> 00:53:11,884
It's not on "Larry King" "Laverne Dane"
and "Barbara Walters!"
926
00:53:11,915 --> 00:53:14,745
You ain't gonna see it in People magazine,
but it's out there, folks...
927
00:53:14,770 --> 00:53:17,235
It's out there! And it's
extremely common!
928
00:53:17,260 --> 00:53:20,598
You just ask any teenage boy
you know, who trusts you!
929
00:53:20,649 --> 00:53:23,561
Ask him what he knows or
what he's heard about...
930
00:53:23,586 --> 00:53:25,328
...cutting off your air supply
931
00:53:25,353 --> 00:53:27,780
just at the moment you're
about to have a sexual release...
932
00:53:27,805 --> 00:53:30,030
He is gonna tell you an
interesting story or two!
933
00:53:30,073 --> 00:53:33,501
The kids call it "scarfing", 'cause
some of them use scarfs to do it!
934
00:53:33,559 --> 00:53:36,352
Or screw the kids! Just get on
the internet! Do it yourselves!
935
00:53:36,377 --> 00:53:39,677
Google in the words "auto erotic asphyxia!"
936
00:53:39,702 --> 00:53:42,165
"Auto erotic asphyxia", is the practice...
937
00:53:42,245 --> 00:53:45,259
...of cutting off the oxygen to
the brain at the last moment
938
00:53:45,284 --> 00:53:48,000
during masturbation in order
to heighten the orgasm...
939
00:53:48,126 --> 00:53:52,438
and when I say "common"... A thousand
kids a year die this way! OK?
940
00:53:52,501 --> 00:53:55,114
A thousand of them die! So think
how many of them are...
941
00:53:55,139 --> 00:53:59,179
...trying to pull this off! If you pardon
the little pun I'm throwin' in
942
00:53:59,204 --> 00:54:01,345
...just to lighten the mood!
943
00:54:01,657 --> 00:54:06,958
But here's the way it works! Apparently!
I've never tried! It sounded risky to me!
944
00:54:07,574 --> 00:54:10,406
Well, jerking off is all I need!
You know what I mean, folks!
945
00:54:10,431 --> 00:54:13,556
I ain't trying to double
my money! Fuck that shit!
946
00:54:14,696 --> 00:54:19,806
I just jerk off, wipe off my chest,
get up and go to work, you know? That's it!
947
00:54:25,543 --> 00:54:29,911
Nothing fancy! At our house
we're simple folk!
948
00:54:30,274 --> 00:54:33,135
But here's the way it's
supposed to work!
949
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:36,230
And this is why it's such a big
attraction in the first place!
950
00:54:36,255 --> 00:54:40,378
Apparently it is true!
Medically, phisiologically speaking...
951
00:54:40,432 --> 00:54:43,823
...that if you can cut off your air supply,
the oxygen to your brain...
952
00:54:43,848 --> 00:54:47,445
...just at the moment you're about to have
an orgasm, the orgasm is about...
953
00:54:47,470 --> 00:54:49,712
...I don't know! Let's
say 500 times better!
954
00:54:49,737 --> 00:54:52,407
Something like that!
It's incredibly intense!
955
00:54:52,432 --> 00:54:55,773
So, what you gotta do,
is stand up on a chair,
956
00:54:55,798 --> 00:54:58,024
or bucket, or some kind of thing...
957
00:54:58,131 --> 00:55:02,186
...you put a rope around your neck,
and you start jerking off...!
958
00:55:12,934 --> 00:55:15,618
And while you're pulling your pod,
959
00:55:15,931 --> 00:55:18,864
while you're pulling your pod,
you have to arrange...
960
00:55:18,889 --> 00:55:23,055
...to almost strangle yourself
just before you have an orgasm...
961
00:55:23,175 --> 00:55:28,626
And by the way, while all this activity
is going on, you gotta maintain a hard-on!
962
00:55:28,746 --> 00:55:31,972
...which ain't easy, 'cause you might
just be getting ready to buy the farm...
963
00:55:32,013 --> 00:55:35,335
...so you'd better be fantasizing
about someone you really like...!
964
00:55:35,455 --> 00:55:37,986
...or some thing you really like,
I don't know what that my be!
965
00:55:38,011 --> 00:55:41,034
Maybe getting fucked in the ass
by a Game Warden, who knows?
966
00:55:41,059 --> 00:55:45,489
Hey, I'm not here to judge!
We are all different! To each his own!
967
00:55:45,609 --> 00:55:48,423
So let's recap...!
968
00:55:48,543 --> 00:55:52,643
Standing on a chair, rope around your neck,
peter in your hand...!
969
00:55:52,763 --> 00:55:56,253
Now you have to time it just right!
970
00:55:56,373 --> 00:56:01,841
So that before you come,
you almost die!
971
00:56:02,104 --> 00:56:05,714
And sometimes you miscalculate...!
972
00:56:05,834 --> 00:56:09,720
You don't know if you're coming or going!
973
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:13,164
No way to know!
No way to know!
974
00:56:19,263 --> 00:56:22,427
And the parents of these kids are
to embarrassed to tell the police!
975
00:56:22,452 --> 00:56:26,098
So the put the kid's dick away and
they say: "He had poor grades!"
976
00:56:28,427 --> 00:56:30,122
"His girlfriend left him!"
977
00:56:30,154 --> 00:56:33,896
"Oh, well, no wonder, lady!
Look at his fucking hobbies!"
978
00:56:34,270 --> 00:56:36,323
Then they blame it on
Heavy Metal, you know!
979
00:56:36,348 --> 00:56:38,980
I don't know if you remember that,
but from that old incident, there...
980
00:56:39,005 --> 00:56:42,239
...some years back - Judas Priest,
or one of them headbanging bands,
981
00:56:42,264 --> 00:56:46,061
somebody played a song and after that
they killed themselves, and so they blamed...
982
00:56:46,086 --> 00:56:48,098
...suicide, and Heavy Metal...
983
00:56:48,123 --> 00:56:51,857
If it's murder, they tend to
blame Rap these days, but...
984
00:56:51,953 --> 00:56:53,880
...it's never the parents!
985
00:56:53,911 --> 00:56:57,028
Did you ever notice this?
Parents apparently play no part...
986
00:56:57,053 --> 00:57:00,531
...in the development and outcome
of these kids! Parents...
987
00:57:00,601 --> 00:57:03,473
You know, they can raise a kid apparently,
11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years,
988
00:57:03,498 --> 00:57:06,489
but if he turns out fucked up!
Boy, they have nothing to do with that!
989
00:57:06,638 --> 00:57:09,386
"Must be those kids at the parking lot he
hangs around with!"
990
00:57:09,411 --> 00:57:12,670
Parents gotta be among the most
full of shit people in the world!
991
00:57:12,908 --> 00:57:15,415
Well, they always have been!
Top to bottom! Front to back!
992
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:18,164
Listen, in fairness,
it comes with the job!
993
00:57:18,189 --> 00:57:22,042
If you wanna be a parent, you gotta be
full of shit, at least half the time!
994
00:57:22,261 --> 00:57:24,501
Look at it this way!
They have it both ways!
995
00:57:24,526 --> 00:57:27,664
If the kid turns out to be a loser,
they have nothing to do with that...!
996
00:57:27,689 --> 00:57:30,376
But boy, if he's a winner,
got a scholarship or something like that?
997
00:57:30,401 --> 00:57:33,330
Man, they're are the first ones out there
raising their hands, trying to get a little credit...!
998
00:57:33,355 --> 00:57:37,262
It's a nice state of mind if you can
talk yourselves into believing it...!
999
00:57:37,287 --> 00:57:40,095
But these are the kind of things I think
about when I'm sitting home alone,
1000
00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:43,642
during an electrical storm, waiting for
the parole officer to give me a call...
1001
00:57:43,690 --> 00:57:46,875
...and these ideas come
floating into my head!
1002
00:57:46,900 --> 00:57:48,894
Just floating right in! Unbidden!
1003
00:57:48,919 --> 00:57:51,282
I'm not asking for these things!
1004
00:57:51,322 --> 00:57:53,064
I'm a vessel!
1005
00:57:53,332 --> 00:57:57,173
I'm a mere vessel!
In come these thoughts!
1006
00:57:57,298 --> 00:57:59,993
And some of them
are a little offbeat!
1007
00:58:00,267 --> 00:58:02,087
I'm gonna grant you that!
1008
00:58:02,112 --> 00:58:05,408
I was thinking about these younger
women who got buried today!
1009
00:58:05,468 --> 00:58:08,991
You ever think about them?
Probably not!
1010
00:58:09,118 --> 00:58:12,626
But I was thinking about these younger
women who died three or four days ago,
1011
00:58:12,651 --> 00:58:14,462
got buried today...
1012
00:58:14,524 --> 00:58:18,733
And some of them had a bad heart, you know?
Some of them had a bad kidney...
1013
00:58:18,853 --> 00:58:23,398
...but a lot of them had
perfectly good pussies!
1014
00:58:23,678 --> 00:58:28,892
Good pussies, nice tits,
reasonably tight assholes...!
1015
00:58:29,117 --> 00:58:31,337
Going to waste!
1016
00:58:31,362 --> 00:58:33,330
In the ground!
1017
00:58:33,584 --> 00:58:37,375
It just seems a shame to me!
1018
00:58:37,495 --> 00:58:40,441
That some fine young pussy...!
1019
00:58:40,561 --> 00:58:43,474
...should be rotting away six feet under!
1020
00:58:43,594 --> 00:58:48,023
Because you'd think, in this era...
1021
00:58:48,143 --> 00:58:52,376
...that if you can donate a heart...
1022
00:58:57,832 --> 00:59:00,239
...to someone who needs one...
1023
00:59:00,359 --> 00:59:03,469
...there oughta be a way to recycle
some of these pussies...
1024
00:59:03,766 --> 00:59:05,734
And get them to people
who need them!
1025
00:59:05,758 --> 00:59:10,102
Some old guy living up in
the mountains! "Whoa...!"
1026
00:59:10,738 --> 00:59:13,522
"Holy shit! Look at this
fucking thing! This is great!
1027
00:59:13,547 --> 00:59:16,487
Thank you very much, sir!
I appreciate this! Thank you, thank you!
1028
00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:19,022
Thank you! God bless you!
You're doing God's work!
1029
00:59:19,047 --> 00:59:20,750
I hope you know that! Don't you?
1030
00:59:21,086 --> 00:59:24,570
Hey, this is better than
Publisher's Clearing House!
1031
00:59:25,264 --> 00:59:27,507
Listen here, buddy...
1032
00:59:27,532 --> 00:59:30,985
You ain't got a red-head of one
of this, by any chance, don't you?
1033
00:59:31,112 --> 00:59:34,243
No, I didn't think so! I never had one
of them myself, thank you very much...!
1034
00:59:34,273 --> 00:59:36,311
Listen here, this is the
real thing, ain't it?
1035
00:59:36,336 --> 00:59:39,477
This ain't one of them storebook pussies
you see at the old bookstore?
1036
00:59:39,606 --> 00:59:42,898
Huh? What's that? Oh, OK!
Hold on! Just a second!
1037
00:59:42,961 --> 00:59:45,055
Whoa...!
1038
00:59:45,851 --> 00:59:49,627
Jesus Christ on a cracker!
That's the real fucking thing!
1039
00:59:50,039 --> 00:59:54,951
I'd recognize that son of a bitch anywhere!
That straightened out my nose hairs!
1040
00:59:55,248 --> 00:59:58,314
I'd better get this sucker home and get
into the refrigerator quick as I can!
1041
00:59:58,434 --> 01:00:03,688
The "Save-A-Pussy Foundation!"
Give the gift that keeps on giving!
1042
01:00:04,713 --> 01:00:09,394
Fuck the whales!
Save the pussy!
1043
01:00:09,926 --> 01:00:11,823
But you wouldn't
wanna save all of them!
1044
01:00:11,848 --> 01:00:15,628
Not all of them!
Some of them are worn out!
1045
01:00:15,892 --> 01:00:19,139
Oh, you wouldn't want one of them
big old rubbery things! That ain't no good!
1046
01:00:19,259 --> 01:00:23,820
What you want is something nice
and tight, but flexible!
1047
01:00:24,117 --> 01:00:29,128
Maybe they have an age limit!
Or a mileage check!
1048
01:00:29,623 --> 01:00:31,763
You know, you figure out the
average length of the average dick,
1049
01:00:31,788 --> 01:00:34,185
the average number of thusts
per event, the average number
1050
01:00:34,210 --> 01:00:37,324
of events per lifetime...
You've got that lady's mileage!
1051
01:00:37,349 --> 01:00:40,305
And you women, I don't want you to think
I wanna leave you out of the fun!
1052
01:00:40,330 --> 01:00:42,529
We're gonna get you a nice
set of cock and balls, OK?
1053
01:00:42,614 --> 01:00:46,455
We'll get you something nice just
after rigor mortis sets in!
1054
01:00:46,801 --> 01:00:49,575
Tell the truth, ladies! Wouldn't
you like a nice set of cock
1055
01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:52,214
and balls without all the
bullshit that comes with them?
1056
01:00:52,239 --> 01:00:53,853
Huh? Fucking-A!
1057
01:00:53,877 --> 01:00:56,158
We'll get you something nice
to keep it on the nightstand!
1058
01:00:56,183 --> 01:00:58,166
It's really easy to
find in the dark!
1059
01:00:58,257 --> 01:01:01,822
And if your mother comes over...
Put a hat on it!
1060
01:01:03,417 --> 01:01:07,142
Well, somebody's got to think of these things!
Apparently, I've been appointed!
1061
01:01:09,367 --> 01:01:13,373
I was dancing with a woman!
She told me she had a yeast infection!
1062
01:01:13,653 --> 01:01:18,021
I said: "Bag me a fucking loaf of bread!"
1063
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:21,861
A couple of corn muffins,
a jelly doughnut, I don't give a shit!
1064
01:01:22,125 --> 01:01:25,636
I'm always in the market
for quality baked goods!
1065
01:01:25,756 --> 01:01:29,312
You couldn't squeeze a birthday cake out
of that thing by any chance, could you, huh?
1066
01:01:29,576 --> 01:01:32,791
No, no, I didn't think so...
No pressure, honey! No pressure at all!
1067
01:01:32,911 --> 01:01:36,747
Why don't you just turn around and give me
a nice pineapple upside-down cake?
1068
01:01:37,142 --> 01:01:41,642
And a dozen oatmeal cookies!
Skip the raisins!
1069
01:01:41,972 --> 01:01:45,945
X-nay on the aisins-ray...!
1070
01:01:47,552 --> 01:01:51,343
Well, I think it is certainly
apparent by now...
1071
01:01:51,455 --> 01:01:55,143
...that one of the things I enjoy in life
is excess...
1072
01:01:55,263 --> 01:01:57,489
I like things that are excessive!
1073
01:01:57,568 --> 01:02:01,699
I like excessive behaviour,
excessive language, excessive violence...
1074
01:02:01,731 --> 01:02:07,215
It's fun! It's interesting! It's exciting!
I like it when nature is excessive...
1075
01:02:07,328 --> 01:02:10,223
That's why I like natural disasters!
1076
01:02:10,279 --> 01:02:12,496
All these natural disasters
that have been going on....
1077
01:02:12,521 --> 01:02:16,919
I fucking love them!
I can't get enough of them!
1078
01:02:17,071 --> 01:02:18,888
Oh, when nature is going crazy,
1079
01:02:18,913 --> 01:02:21,826
throwing things around, scaring people
and destroying property..
1080
01:02:21,851 --> 01:02:26,181
...I'm a happy fucking guy!
I'm a happy fucking guy!
1081
01:02:26,301 --> 01:02:29,230
I look at it this way!
For centuries now...
1082
01:02:29,350 --> 01:02:31,803
...man has done everything he can
1083
01:02:31,834 --> 01:02:35,309
to destroy, defile and
interfere with nature!
1084
01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:38,481
Clear-cutting forests,
strip-mining mountains,
1085
01:02:38,506 --> 01:02:40,402
poisoning the atmosphere...
1086
01:02:40,427 --> 01:02:42,911
...over-fishing the oceans, polluting
1087
01:02:42,936 --> 01:02:46,271
the rivers and lakes, destroying
wetlands and aquiferes...
1088
01:02:46,296 --> 01:02:47,982
...so when nature strikes back,
1089
01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:50,959
and smashes man in the head
and kicks him in the nuts...
1090
01:02:51,142 --> 01:02:56,297
I enjoy that! I have absolutely no sympathy
for human beings whatsoever...!
1091
01:02:56,436 --> 01:02:57,528
None!
1092
01:02:57,553 --> 01:03:00,045
And no matter what kind of
problem homans are facing,
1093
01:03:00,070 --> 01:03:02,453
whether it's natural or man-made...
1094
01:03:02,892 --> 01:03:08,051
I always hope it gets worse!
Don't you? Don't you?
1095
01:03:08,347 --> 01:03:13,984
Don't you have a part of you that secretly
hopes everything gets worse?
1096
01:03:14,611 --> 01:03:19,606
When you see a big fire on TV...
Don't you hope it spreads?
1097
01:03:19,952 --> 01:03:25,243
Don't you hope it gets completely
out of control and burns down six counties?
1098
01:03:25,573 --> 01:03:28,573
You don't root for the firemen, do you?
1099
01:03:28,628 --> 01:03:31,206
I mean, I don't want them to get hurt
or nothing, but...
1100
01:03:31,281 --> 01:03:35,843
I don't want them putting out my fire!
That's my fire!
1101
01:03:35,963 --> 01:03:40,656
That's nature! Showing off and having fun!
1102
01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:45,304
You know something else I like?
Those spring floods in the Midwest!
1103
01:03:45,424 --> 01:03:48,996
Aren't they great? Like clockwork!
Spring floods in the Midwest!
1104
01:03:49,116 --> 01:03:51,623
But I'm starting to notice,
I'm starting to catch on
1105
01:03:51,655 --> 01:03:54,483
that every year it's
the same story!
1106
01:03:54,539 --> 01:03:57,045
Another flood, in the same place,
1107
01:03:57,070 --> 01:04:00,991
with the same people on the
same river... Same fucking people!
1108
01:04:01,234 --> 01:04:04,630
And these people will not move!
They will not fucking move!
1109
01:04:04,742 --> 01:04:07,428
They repaint, put down new
carpeting and wallpaper
1110
01:04:07,453 --> 01:04:09,449
and they move right back
into the same fucking
1111
01:04:09,481 --> 01:04:11,451
house, on the floodplain,
next to the river...
1112
01:04:11,484 --> 01:04:14,028
...and then they wonder why
grandma's floating downstream
1113
01:04:14,053 --> 01:04:15,623
with a parakeet on her head!
1114
01:04:16,314 --> 01:04:20,529
Fourth time, again!
Fourth fucking tine!
1115
01:04:20,649 --> 01:04:23,351
There's no learning curve
with these people!
1116
01:04:23,376 --> 01:04:25,985
It's very hard to
feel sorry for them!
1117
01:04:26,117 --> 01:04:29,742
Every year! Same people!
Same rowboats!
1118
01:04:29,774 --> 01:04:33,962
Out there, paddling around...
Rescuing a chicken!
1119
01:04:34,474 --> 01:04:39,337
What the fuck kind of a life is that?
"Well, our kids love it here!"
1120
01:04:39,457 --> 01:04:43,574
Oh, really? What have they got?
Gills?
1121
01:04:44,212 --> 01:04:46,344
And while they're showing all
that shit on the screen,
1122
01:04:46,369 --> 01:04:47,806
the announcer is saying to me...
1123
01:04:47,831 --> 01:04:50,157
"It's been raining steadily
for three months now,
1124
01:04:50,182 --> 01:04:51,735
the ground can't hold
any more water,
1125
01:04:51,760 --> 01:04:54,383
the river is cresty higher than
it has in two centuries,
1126
01:04:54,408 --> 01:04:56,025
the levees are washed away..."
1127
01:04:56,105 --> 01:05:01,071
...and I just hope it keeps raining!
And raining, and raining, and raining...!
1128
01:05:01,103 --> 01:05:04,702
...and raining, and raining,
and raining, and raining...
1129
01:05:04,727 --> 01:05:09,289
...and raining, and raining, and raining,
and raining, and raining!
1130
01:05:09,314 --> 01:05:12,650
and it rains steadily for five years!
1131
01:05:12,816 --> 01:05:17,151
And then, after that,
for ten years it's cloudy!
1132
01:05:17,271 --> 01:05:19,516
With occasional showers!
1133
01:05:19,587 --> 01:05:22,528
And the river never returns
to its natural banks!
1134
01:05:22,553 --> 01:05:24,640
And becomes a completely new river!
1135
01:05:24,665 --> 01:05:27,655
And the borders of three
states have to be changed!
1136
01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:31,615
And all the maps and atlases
have to be redrawn and reprinted!
1137
01:05:31,735 --> 01:05:35,686
And no-one's couch
ever completely dries out!
1138
01:05:35,806 --> 01:05:41,357
For years and years, every time they
sit down, there's always a little "squish!"
1139
01:05:42,222 --> 01:05:46,289
"Dan, Linda! Come on in you guys!
Have a seat!" (Squish, squish)
1140
01:05:46,727 --> 01:05:50,555
I like that! I'm an interesting guy!
1141
01:05:50,740 --> 01:05:53,539
I always hope that no matter how
small the original problem is,
1142
01:05:53,563 --> 01:05:56,710
it's gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions,
until it gets completely out of control,
1143
01:05:56,735 --> 01:05:58,529
and I'll give you a
concrete example...
1144
01:05:58,554 --> 01:06:01,735
Let's say a water main breaks
in downtown Los Angeles,
1145
01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:04,773
and it floods an electrical substation,
knocking out all the traffic lights
1146
01:06:04,798 --> 01:06:08,055
and tying up the entire city,
and emergency vehicles can't get through!
1147
01:06:08,080 --> 01:06:11,978
and at the same time, one of those month-long
global warming heatwaves comes along,
1148
01:06:12,003 --> 01:06:14,368
but there's no air conditioning,
there's no water for sanitation...
1149
01:06:14,393 --> 01:06:16,736
So cholera, smallpox and
dysentery break out,
1150
01:06:16,761 --> 01:06:18,814
and thousands of people
start dying in the streets!
1151
01:06:18,839 --> 01:06:21,369
But before they die,
parasites eat their brains!
1152
01:06:21,394 --> 01:06:24,119
...and they go completely fucking crazy,
and they storm the hospital,
1153
01:06:24,144 --> 01:06:26,087
but the hospital can't
handle all the casualties,
1154
01:06:26,112 --> 01:06:29,268
so these people rape all the nurses
and set the hospital on fire...!
1155
01:06:29,426 --> 01:06:31,431
...and the flames drive
them ever crazier,
1156
01:06:31,456 --> 01:06:34,673
so they start stabbing social
workers and garbage men...!
1157
01:06:34,700 --> 01:06:37,353
And a big wind comes along,
and the entire city goes up in flames,
1158
01:06:37,378 --> 01:06:40,298
and the people who are still healthy,
they get mad at the sick people
1159
01:06:40,353 --> 01:06:42,689
and they start crucifying them!
Nailing them into crosses,
1160
01:06:42,714 --> 01:06:45,064
trying on their underwear,
shit like that!
1161
01:06:45,616 --> 01:06:48,580
Then everybody smokes crack,
and PCP and they march on City Hall,
1162
01:06:48,605 --> 01:06:50,900
where they burn the Mayor
at the stake, strangle his wife,
1163
01:06:50,925 --> 01:06:53,924
and take turns sodomizing
the statue of Larry Flint!
1164
01:06:54,855 --> 01:06:58,211
And at this point,
it looks like pretty soon
1165
01:06:58,236 --> 01:07:01,509
things are gonna start
to get out of control!
1166
01:07:01,844 --> 01:07:04,734
So everybody panics, and tries to
leave the city at the same time,
1167
01:07:04,759 --> 01:07:07,501
and they trample each other to death
in the streets by the thousands,
1168
01:07:07,526 --> 01:07:08,955
and wild dogs eat
their corpses...
1169
01:07:09,035 --> 01:07:11,697
...and the wild dogs chase the rest
of the people down the highway,
1170
01:07:11,722 --> 01:07:14,455
and one by one the dogs pick up
the old fucks and the slow people,
1171
01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:16,773
'cause they're in the fast lane,
where they don't belong!
1172
01:07:16,798 --> 01:07:19,001
Get the fuck out of the fast
lane if you're an old fuck,
1173
01:07:19,026 --> 01:07:23,502
if you're a slow fuck!
Get over on the right! And then...
1174
01:07:24,277 --> 01:07:26,236
And the lucky ones,
the lucky people who managed
1175
01:07:26,261 --> 01:07:28,767
to make it all the way outside of town,
they discover when they get there,
1176
01:07:28,792 --> 01:07:31,346
that big sparks from the city
have lit the suburbs on fire...!
1177
01:07:31,386 --> 01:07:33,220
...and the suburbs
burn uncontrollolably,
1178
01:07:33,245 --> 01:07:36,984
and thousands of identical homes,
of identical fires with identical smoke...
1179
01:07:37,009 --> 01:07:38,898
...killing all the identical
soccer moms,
1180
01:07:38,923 --> 01:07:42,361
and their identical kids named
Jason and Jennifer...!
1181
01:07:42,540 --> 01:07:44,759
And now the fire spreads
on the farmlands,
1182
01:07:44,784 --> 01:07:47,673
and the farmlands burn intensely,
at 425 degrees,
1183
01:07:47,698 --> 01:07:50,213
creating millions of
baked potatoes, and...
1184
01:07:50,589 --> 01:07:52,939
...as the farmlands burn,
1185
01:07:52,964 --> 01:07:55,369
thousands of barns and
farmhouses begin to explode
1186
01:07:55,394 --> 01:07:57,869
from all the heat and
metamphetamine labs!
1187
01:07:58,121 --> 01:08:00,806
...and the meth chemicals run
down into the rivers and streams,
1188
01:08:00,831 --> 01:08:04,486
while wild animals drink the water
and get completely geeked on speed!
1189
01:08:04,806 --> 01:08:06,642
So bears and wolves
amped up on crank
1190
01:08:06,667 --> 01:08:09,455
start roaming the countryside
looking for people to eat!
1191
01:08:09,627 --> 01:08:12,606
Even though they're not
really hungry!
1192
01:08:12,743 --> 01:08:15,650
And the fire spreads through the forests,
and the forests burn furiously,
1193
01:08:15,675 --> 01:08:17,859
and hundreds of elves
and trolls and fairies
1194
01:08:17,884 --> 01:08:20,844
come running out of the woods,
screaming: "Bambi's dead! Bambi's dead!"
1195
01:08:20,869 --> 01:08:23,283
And he is! He is! Finally
that fucking little
1196
01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:26,861
cunt Bambi is dead! Dead!
1197
01:08:27,962 --> 01:08:30,555
Now, hundreds of regional
fires come together
1198
01:08:30,580 --> 01:08:32,736
into one huge
interstate inferno...!
1199
01:08:32,761 --> 01:08:35,869
...and all twelve of the western United States
are burning out of control....!
1200
01:08:35,894 --> 01:08:38,799
Except Utah, where the
mormons don't love fires...
1201
01:08:39,366 --> 01:08:41,415
And the fires spread
across the great plains,
1202
01:08:41,440 --> 01:08:43,759
toasting the wheat, cooking
the cattle and producing...
1203
01:08:43,784 --> 01:08:45,596
hamburgers, actually!
1204
01:08:45,932 --> 01:08:48,212
And it leads to Mississippi,
and rinses thru the South,
1205
01:08:48,237 --> 01:08:50,494
blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings
1206
01:08:50,519 --> 01:08:53,525
and killing millions of
in-bred people, and then -
1207
01:08:53,617 --> 01:08:55,900
...it turns north-east and
heads for Washington D.C.,
1208
01:08:55,925 --> 01:08:59,400
where George Bush can't decide
if it's an emergency or not!
1209
01:08:59,500 --> 01:09:03,064
I can't decide this!
He doesn't know!
1210
01:09:03,089 --> 01:09:06,634
It's hard work!
You know?
1211
01:09:09,007 --> 01:09:13,161
He can't decide because
Dick Cheney is in prison! So...
1212
01:09:13,184 --> 01:09:15,876
...instead he takes a nap!
1213
01:09:15,901 --> 01:09:18,883
He puts his empty fucking brainless
head down on the little pillow
1214
01:09:18,908 --> 01:09:22,103
his mother gave him at Christmas time,
and he takes a fucking nap...!
1215
01:09:22,188 --> 01:09:24,388
So the fire moves to Philadelphia,
but it's a weekend,
1216
01:09:24,413 --> 01:09:26,732
and Philadelphia is closed
on the weekends...
1217
01:09:26,877 --> 01:09:29,675
So the fire moves to New York City,
and the people in New York
1218
01:09:29,700 --> 01:09:35,286
tell the fire to go fuck itself!
"Go fuck yourself!" And it does...!
1219
01:09:38,453 --> 01:09:41,622
And it does! So instead it burns
Long Island and Connecticut,
1220
01:09:41,647 --> 01:09:43,544
killing all the rich white assholes
1221
01:09:43,569 --> 01:09:46,622
and completely destroying
their evil faggoty golf courses!
1222
01:09:50,488 --> 01:09:56,290
And while all this is going on, Canada
burns to the ground, but nobody notices!
1223
01:09:56,767 --> 01:09:59,325
And now the entire North American
continent is on fire,
1224
01:09:59,350 --> 01:10:02,153
producing a huge thermal object,
and creating an incendiary
1225
01:10:02,178 --> 01:10:05,076
cyclonic macrosystem that
forms a hemispheric megastorm...
1226
01:10:05,101 --> 01:10:07,333
...breaking down the molecular
structure of the atmosphere
1227
01:10:07,358 --> 01:10:10,316
and actually changing the laws of nature!
Fire and water combine!
1228
01:10:10,341 --> 01:10:12,404
Burning clouds of flaming
rain fall upward!
1229
01:10:12,429 --> 01:10:14,505
Gamma rays and solar winds
ignite ionosphere
1230
01:10:14,530 --> 01:10:16,411
creating a huge cloud
of ionized plasma!
1231
01:10:16,451 --> 01:10:19,979
Bolts of lightning twenty million miles long
begin shooting out of the North Pole, and...
1232
01:10:20,004 --> 01:10:23,378
...the sky fills up with green shit!
1233
01:10:24,014 --> 01:10:26,157
And then, suddenly,
the entire fabric
1234
01:10:26,182 --> 01:10:28,566
of space-time splits in two...!
1235
01:10:28,667 --> 01:10:30,987
A huge crack in the
universe open!
1236
01:10:31,012 --> 01:10:34,321
And all the dead people from the
past begin falling through...!
1237
01:10:34,346 --> 01:10:37,393
...Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx,
Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim,
1238
01:10:37,418 --> 01:10:40,463
Porky Pig, Hitler,
Janis Joplin, Alan Ladd...
1239
01:10:40,488 --> 01:10:43,089
My uncle Dave!
Your uncle Dave!
1240
01:10:43,267 --> 01:10:48,245
Everybody's uncle Dave! An endless stream
of dead uncle Daves falling thru the crack!
1241
01:10:48,510 --> 01:10:52,021
And all the dead uncle Daves gather
around the heavenly kitchen table...!
1242
01:10:52,141 --> 01:10:54,729
They light up cigarettes and
then they begin to talk!
1243
01:10:54,754 --> 01:10:56,573
They talk about how they
never got a break...!
1244
01:10:56,635 --> 01:10:59,674
How their parents didn't love them
and their children were ungrateful!
1245
01:10:59,699 --> 01:11:02,096
They talk about how the government
screwed them out of money,
1246
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:03,878
and they just missed
out on a big job...!
1247
01:11:03,927 --> 01:11:07,483
They say the Jews own everything,
and the blacks get special treatment...!
1248
01:11:07,557 --> 01:11:10,378
And all the hatred and bitterness,
drips out of these people,
1249
01:11:10,403 --> 01:11:12,339
and forms a big pool
of liquid hate...
1250
01:11:12,383 --> 01:11:14,526
...and the pool of liquid
hate begins to spin!
1251
01:11:14,551 --> 01:11:16,393
Round and round it spins,
faster and faster!
1252
01:11:16,418 --> 01:11:18,292
And the faster it spins,
the bigger it gets...!
1253
01:11:18,333 --> 01:11:20,042
...faster and faster,
bigger and bigger,
1254
01:11:20,067 --> 01:11:22,503
until the whirling pool of hate is
bigger than the entire universe,
1255
01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:27,110
and then suddenly it explodes
into trillions of tiny stars...
1256
01:11:27,135 --> 01:11:29,409
And every star has a trillion planets,
1257
01:11:29,434 --> 01:11:32,370
and every planet has
a trillion uncle Daves...
1258
01:11:32,475 --> 01:11:37,307
And all the uncle Daves have good jobs,
perfect eyesight and shoes that fit...
1259
01:11:37,385 --> 01:11:40,276
They have great sex lives
and free health care,
1260
01:11:40,301 --> 01:11:43,112
They understand the internet,
their kids think they're cool,
1261
01:11:43,137 --> 01:11:45,081
and they all love
their neighbours...
1262
01:11:45,133 --> 01:11:49,595
And every week, without fail,
uncle Dave wins the lottery...
1263
01:11:49,815 --> 01:11:51,745
...forever and ever,
till the end of time,
1264
01:11:51,770 --> 01:11:55,087
every single uncle Dave
has a winning ticket,
1265
01:11:55,112 --> 01:11:57,753
and uncle Dave is finally happy!
1266
01:11:57,837 --> 01:12:01,276
Now do you see why I like it when
nature gets even with humans...?
1267
01:12:01,301 --> 01:12:03,581
Thanks for coming
in here tonight!
1268
01:12:07,859 --> 01:12:10,909
Thank you! See you later!
117725
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