Original subtitles

Thank you.

Boy, this is a great sauna.

The best thing is the natural heat.

Consider me at your disposal.

Look at all this suet.

Today's your lucky day.

You give me a massage, I give you a massage.

That's equality, right?

Hooray for women's lib!

And down and chew the fats. All three of them.

And four of them enough for all of you.

Yours truly is always generous.

And believes in fairness.

Never mind.

A faithful finish.

Too much eroticism for a man his age. Too much, too much.

There stands no reason.

You add to it an excess of heat, shall we say, the fact he was no longer a kid.

Well, if you want to play like that, well, then you've got to pay.

I have a feeling you're right.

And just, uh, what are we going to tell the widow? The truth. Please, senora,

your husband passed away as a result of a cramp, I suppose we could say. What

kind of cramp?

You want to know what kind of cramp? Well, then, I guess I'd better explain,

senora. The sort of cramp you get when a muscle is rigid.

What muscle?

Poor guy, his heart just explodes.

Like a gun going off. Oh, senora, I hate to see you carrying on like this.

Bitter with the sweet. There's no sense in crying your eyes out to make them all

sore. Now, aside from your eyes, senora, there are certain other practical

things to consider. Here, take a look. You want it?

Now, you've got to consider the life ahead of you.

You must consider your future. That's right. You've got to do in other words.

You take the situation in your head.

No, no, don't, Raffaele. That's not the situation we're discussing. I mean, we

should share the work.

I mean, I would really appreciate it. What is it, Signora? Consider it done,

whatever it is.

Please send a telegram to my dear little stepbrother. A telegram? What?

I feel the need of a man.

You've got one right here, Signora.

Now I want the feeling of family.

Except for my little stepdaughter.

And it should have arrived before the funeral.

What are you waiting for? Go send a telegram. It was your idea.

Yeah, before.

Now that's past history. I think I get it.

Oh, my dear stepbrother.

You came to me.

You answered my call in my hour of need.

I feel as close to you as if we're of the same blood. But, oh, let's not talk

blood. There's poor Salvatore in his coffin without it.

Honest to God, I never thought they'd be able to get that thing down. Medical

scientists, they do wonders.

It's been so many years since we've seen each other.

I was afraid you might have changed, but no.

You are still the good and virtuous Antonello that you always were. Not the

family, huh?

I didn't think that he had the nerve to suspect it.

It's so good that you're here, Antonello.

There's a lot of money, and, well, a widow needs protection from hyenas. Get

picture? But don't you have a stepdaughter?

There's my Eleni, yes, but she's a baby.

Arcentina, bring the valises, won't you, dear?

Go and refresh yourself. Take a shower. You've come a long way.

Yeah. You're a real brother, even though it's stiff.

Arcentina? Yes, ma 'am? Show my brother the way to the bar.

How well you handle yourself in your time of sorrow.

Here we are.

Look out for the water. The faucets don't work too well. I'll just wash my

hands.

Oh, I bet it was those faucets. They got you, huh? You didn't ruin your sweater.

Nearly. What a pity. I'm Caruso, the family lawyer.

That's what I figured.

Husband in the cemetery?

A woman needs legal aid. I bet.

Suspicious, aren't you? Real loyal to your stepsister, right?

How much do you want?

What? Her money.

You have to resign yourself, Don Antonello.

We all must go on. It's the way of the world.

Don Antonello.

Don Antonello.

Raffaele Virzi.

I was in business with a deer deceased.

I just can't tell you how very awful I feel. Okay, then don't.

Severio? Sir?

This is my son, Severio.

He's a new breed, huh?

Will you cut that out, huh?

I don't want you to worry. There are no problems.

You're looking at a businessman.

It's all under control.

I've got the control, huh? And it's my business to take good care of the widow

in this case.

Why don't you go and rest a bit, huh?

You're tight. Go on. Take a nice rest.

Are you Antonello?

Yes.

Condolences. Isn't it terrible? If you say so.

I'm Juliana, a family friend.

I'm sorry for your trouble.

No, it's I who should be sorry about your loss.

My what?

Isn't it your loss, too?

Yes, I suppose it is.

Well, it's really a pleasure to meet you. It's not a day for pleasure.

Annunziata never said you were so good -looking.

haven't seen her in years. You see, I've been living in Naples.

When Salvatore's first wife died and my stepsister married him, well, I didn't

get along too well with Salvatore. You understand?

My, you're just so nice and so sympathetic.

Oh, my father.

Charles.

You won't believe this line.

You prefer breath or thought?

Yeah, you're right. I don't.

Come on, for God's sake. He married me for my body, not to feed your mouth.

Still, you could have persuaded the old cheapskate to help me out once in a

while. And I still don't understand what you want me here for now.

To protect me, obviously, and play Dutch uncle to my stepdaughter.

And you?

Me?

Finally, I'm going to have some fun for a change. I haven't had fun in years.

And to you, my pride doesn't enter into it at all. Or my dignity. And my

position doesn't count.

I've arrived as a novelist, you know.

Arrive? Right. Right here you've arrived, and here you'll stay. You'll

nothing. The servants are yours.

Intellectually, it'll be a rest.

Here.

Thanks, but I'm not for sale.

Why don't you go see your step -step -sister? She's waiting, I know, for

to take the place of her dad.

And get rid of that stupid beard. You've been reading your own book too much.

Ciao, Eleanor.

Who is it?

It's Antonello, your stepmother's stepbrother.

Oh.

Mind if I light the light?

Oh, please do, Uncle.

But I'm not your uncle. I'm only your stepmother's stepbrother.

I can't keep up with all that step stuff.

What big teeth you have, Uncle.

All the better to bite you with.

You can call me Uncle if you want, even if we're not related.

I couldn't make the funeral scene.

I can appreciate that.

But I think Daddy would understand.

Undoubtedly.

I bet he's already in paradise.

Where else was such a good man?

Seems strange that we never met till now, Uncle.

It's an old story.

No matter.

But you're going to stay for good now, aren't you?

I don't know.

I doubt it.

But we'll be seeing each other.

Ellen, I want to say something to you, if you'll promise not to cry.

I also realize that you might think I'm merely being absurd.

I can't imagine you absurd, Uncle.

It's about your father.

In some way, I intend to substitute for him in your heart.

I hope you'll let me.

What do you mean, substitute for my father?

Wasn't one of him enough?

But is it, Uncle, that it's candle -lighted to see me in my nightgown? No,

it's that... How old are you, Eleanor?

The truth.

21. And you?

Are you 80 or 90? With that beard.

Not a day over 75.

I bet you were expecting someone much younger.

Well, yeah.

And I was expecting you to be much older.

Real old. Ugly and unpleasant.

You're a surprise.

I find that you're young, not bad looking.

Perhaps even simpatico.

Perhaps. Hey, wait.

You have to promise me one thing. Yes?

Since we're not even remotely related, don't be a substitute.

Just say that you and I shall be real friends.

You and I shall be real friends.

And you'll always be nice to me.

I'll always be nice to you.

No, not in that tone of voice, Uncle.

I'll always be nice to you, Eleanor.

Uncle, you'd look better without that beard.

There's no way I'm going to lose this beard.

about ten years.

And so, I have decided to remain.

A sacrifice, no doubt about that.

Of course, I'll be relying on the collaboration of Don Raffaele and or

Caruso, our lawyer, who will continue to carry on in their roles as financial

and legal advisor to my stepsister. That's very kind of you, Don Antonello,

very wise of you, too, if I may say so. You can't be too careful today, a widow

with no experience of the world, especially one with all her dough. I

such a large estate.

When a husband dies, he always leaves a hole. That is, an emptiness that others

must help fill.

I'm sure that Don Rafael and Don Chicho will fill their share of it with their

usual blend of experience and confidence.

For my part, I intend to fill a particular hole. For in addition to

my dear stepsister's affairs, I intend to dedicate myself to furthering the

education and well -being of my... Well, let's call her my little step -step

-sister. Well, if you want to make that non -uncle of yours, you'd better come

up with something special.

None of the usual tricks have worked.

He's too much of a goody -goody, plus being kind of slow.

Every time he sees me, he hides.

Ciao.

Ciao, Ellen.

Enjoying the morning?

No. Oh, I'm sorry about that. You got problems?

I'll say, and I was depending on you to help me with them.

Yeah, I know, but you don't realize how hard it is. I mean, just getting used to

the place.

Learning how things work. There's a lot to do.

It's complicated.

You have no idea the problems I've run into.

But I thought it was my problems you wanted to run into.

Yes, sir.

Sorry.

Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Yes? What is it?

I think that I'm frigid.

You're putting me on, Eleanor.

For example, you really turned me off.

How's that again?

You, Saverio, Caruso, Don Rafael, and my father all... men turn me off.

Oh, your father. Now, that would make sense.

And you know why they turn me off? Because they're all men. Males.

You make me sick to my stomach. All of you. You're nauseating.

Ah, now I get it. Those familiar words. Why don't you just say it? You're a

feminist.

Either I'm physically ill, or else it's all mental, because I tell you,

liberated I'm not.

Darn it.

Fragility's my sickness. I know.

I can't tell you how many men I've tried it with, but all to no avail. Tried it

with? In what sense did you try?

Don't ask me about the details. Do you understand? No, I don't understand them.

You're not that kind of person to me. Please, if you think that, then I'm sure

it's quite all right with me.

You tell me, how old is this poor little sexual wreck?

I don't know, around 18 or 19 maximum.

Strange, strange that a girl so young could be, as you say, frigid.

I'll wait you that she's ugly. Yeah, I'll bet that's it. Ugly women are often

inhibited because of their looks. Oh, wait a minute. I'll bet she's ugly.

She's beautiful. She is?

She has gorgeous eyes and beautiful long blonde hair. Long, yeah. And creamy

skin like white alabaster. And her legs, are they long? Yes, they go all the way

to her crotch. And nice tits? Yeah.

Nipples pointed, yeah.

In other words, Eleanor is not only pretty, she's a real beauty.

Eleanor, are you talking about her, your step -sister's step -sister?

Evelyn, a young American. She lives in Texas. Funny, I thought you said Ellen.

wonder why. No, this one's a student. Studies painting. She's here to prepare

her thesis on Paolo Cello. Yeah, Paolo Cello. Ah, it's just another frigid

American. Hell, every Italian knows that's America's national problem. Have

hit the back with this cowgirl yet?

No, no, no.

No?

Antonello.

Me, why don't you introduce me to this girl with the blonde hair, the long

I wanted to give you the right counsel, but first I think I should meet her. I

mean, I should get a look at her. That way I'd have an idea, something to base

judgment on.

An older man that might just do the trick.

Oh, well, I love your blonde hair.

Stop it. Your long legs.

Your velvety thighs.

Stop it.

Your big soft jugs. Stop it.

Jealousy didn't work either.

What can I do to get his bird in my bush?

I think maybe I...

It's a mad idea, but I'll try anything.

But do you really think we can convince Antonello that we're a couple of

lesbians? I hope so. That's the point.

And do you really think that as a lesbian, I'll be a little bit more

to Antonello?

Watching lesbians is a great turn -on to the male sex.

I guarantee he'll be here to spy on us. But I don't know what lesbians do

together while he's watching. What do we do?

Embrace and smooch?

Not up to win the Oscar, you know. Who's acting?

Aren't you going to put your tongue in my mouth? I bet it would really excite

Antonov. You stuck your tongue right down my throat.

Juliana, you're positively wicked.

Girls will be girls.

What were you doing in there?

I was looking for my cigarette.

And you?

What are you... I was looking for my lighter.

You're going to give me an explanation and a full one. The whole story, my

The whole story.

The whole story. Now, why should I do that?

Because Annunziata has left me in charge of your education. That's the reason.

Very well. You want to hear it? I'll tell you.

Yeah, sure. I told you a bunch of lies.

Because I didn't want you to discover the sordid truth about me.

I'm a lesbian.

Come on.

You call that a full explanation?

A confession.

Listen to me.

Yes? You really are confused in that head, and not only in your head,

Yes? I don't know if you're just spoiled, or if it's a plain case of

perversion, or even if you're nuts.

Yes? I only know that you're making me go around the bend with these antics.

Yes. And now you're going to get a lesson.

You should have done it a long time ago.

Uncourageable. From now on, I wash my hands of you.

Take the rod and spoil the child.

Here I am. Yeah, there you are.

I want to talk to you.

Yeah, what is it?

I want to be sure it'll be private, personal.

Problems?

Yeah. That kind?

Mm -hmm.

Helena.

Hmm. I understand.

Helena's a girl that's not simple, to say the least.

She's extremely complicated.

She's changed so much recently, she's totally different.

When did it begin?

When? Since... since you... since you got here the day of her father's

You know, we were practically engaged.

And now?

Now she's not like the same girl. She pushes me and then pulls me, provokes

then beats it. I tell you, I hardly know her.

A drastic problem needs a drastic remedy.

Let's get into real perversion.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think that this will do the trick.

Come on. It's all right. You know I had to spank you.

You had every right to do that.

It's not as though I'm a baby.

Is that right?

Pretend that you never, that you never saw it. But this is my underwear.

Yes, I know.

It's what I was unable to tell you. I shocked you so much already, I didn't

to add to your worries. You're looking at a mental case.

And I'm sorry to tell you that I'm also a fetishist.

Melanie, you're driving me up the wall.

smooth out your gown.

I'll hide on the sofa.

Who is it?

You haven't by any chance seen your lawyer? No, really, dear boy. Why should

think I had?

Well, in case you do see the gent, tell him I'm waiting in the study.

I did handle that well.

What the hell is that?

Think I should go? Yes.

I'll be right back.

Caruso. Ah, Piniello, I understand you were looking for me.

Seeing as how you're a real old satyr, mind telling me where to look for the

most serious perversions? Listen, I'm neither old nor a satyr, all right? I

want some information, that's all.

About perversions, eh?

Well, I'm not sure I can put my finger on it. It's not my kind of reading

material.

Let's see.

Well, what do you know? I'd say this is the correct tome here.

Selected this out. This gentleman was a real expert. A veritable student of this

sort of thing.

So name your subject. Is it sadism?

Masochism? Ask me. Ask me. What do you want to know? Ask me. When a girl rubs

her nose in a gentleman's intimate garments, is that fetishism? Depends on

long he's been wearing them.

It's usually called fetishism.

But who did that? Your crazy Texan? Yeah.

American women. There's the fruit of liberation for you. Absolutely.

I think you better introduce me to this girl. Because I know how to handle this

kind of female. I'll tell you how I do it. First of all...

I don't want to discuss it anymore.

Not another word, do you hear?

Why do the men have all the power? The women are so meek. Stop it, Eleanor.

That's why I'm so sick in the first place. Men are violent.

You're talking like a psychopath.

Like that, no.

Now, try not to blink, no.

No, I don't like it. It's not art. It needs an artistic touch.

A little more leg. That's what it needs.

Put your hands back on. No, no, down, down. That's it. Hold it.

That's the pose now.

Now, we're going to capture your soul.

No, no, something's wrong with the hand.

Wait, I'll fix it.

Just one more artistic touch.

Yes, we're getting close to the sublime.

Your perfection itself, yeah. All right, all right. Hold the pose.

Hold the pose.

No, it's not right. It needs the final artistic touch. Your hand isn't right.

You've got to pose it more gracefully. That's it. Wash the finger. Not my

finger. Keep your eye on the finger. Wash the finger.

It is pointed.

Beautiful. It's the final artistic touch. You're too gorgeous for words.

Playboy, here I come.

This picture could hang in the National Gallery.

The best thing, though, is the decomposition.

Hold it like that. We'll try for hustle with this one. Oh, that's very

expressive. Caruso!

I wish the hell you'd get rid of that damn thing.

Now, where... All right, take a photograph.

Ah, yes, artistic.

Head ready. Hold it. Pose pretty.

Hold it.

Okay, what is it now?

She's a nymphomaniac.

Your stepsister? What do you mean, my stepsister?

Crazy American chick.

Ah, Miss... She's always on your mind. A nympho. How do you define a nympho? How

do you define a... Oh, she confessed it. And worse, to demonstrate her point,

she nearly raped me.

This horny American, you ever screwed her?

I don't want no part of her bed.

You have to know the broads and info.

About time you introduced me to this girl. It's starting to sound critical.

Piziosa morbosa is a medical term for her condition.

I'd be happy to introduce you.

Listen,

Antonella, are you very sure you're not a fruit?

A fruit?

What do you mean by fruit? The medical term is cococito.

Come on in.

I've got a fever.

I feel terrible.

Do you want me to call a doctor?

No.

The thermometer.

Under here?

No, lower.

Lower?

Lower.

That's where they stick it in babies.

Not my... No, it's not underneath.

Normal, it says.

So? So it's normal. You lied.

No, I am not lying. It's another kind of fever. Helen, now, you listen. And you?

Doesn't your temperature rise a bit? Is it possible I haven't got any effect on

you?

But none of those stories were true?

The only truth is, well, it's simply that I've fallen in love with you. And

now you know.

I can't help it. I love you.

Do you want to ruin me?

Ruin you?

I love you dearly. Don't you understand?

And damn it, I'm telling you I used the right word.

I tell you it's impossible. You'll ruin us.

Why is it impossible?

You mean you've got to ask me that?

How do you feel your stepmother would react?

If you told your stepmother you were in love with me, you'd see me thrown right

out of the house, and I'd rather like it here, Ellen. I don't want to go back to

my Garrett. She'd blame it on me. I know.

Damn it.

How do we solve it?

You know, there is a way to solve it.

I, too, would like a piece of something sweet.

What else am I referring to?

I'll bet the mayor's going to eat a lot. I always cry at weddings.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I'm very appreciative.

Mama told me about your decision

What decision?

That you're leaving.

That's right.

In other words, I won't see you anymore.

Antonella, why do you look so unhappy, huh? You ought to be glad.

She's married.

Your worries are over.

Oh, some people want to meet you.

We'll see you later.

Anything the matter?

But I'm sure I locked the door. How'd you get in?

I just called through the window.

I came here for some peace.

I know.

You'd better return. They'll notice you're missing.

I said that you called me into your study.

I? You. To prove that you're really the bestest man, darling.

Eleanor, I'm sorry, but there's nothing to say anymore.

That's good. You talk too much anyway.

I'm more interested in action.

Excuse me, sir. Have you seen Eleanor? I believe she went to the studio a minute

ago to see Antonello.

Did she?

Well, you hear that? That guy's beginning to take... Come on, you must

understand. Antonello has been, in a sense, her guardian for some time.

He's genuinely fond of the child.

Surely you don't expect him to let her end her marriage bed without some fire

upon you.

function.

constituted a problem for me.

But now that you're married, the problem's solved.

I hope you'll be insanely happy.

You come on as though marriage was the end of everything.

You mustn't keep talking this way, Eleanor. Okay, I won't. I'll do this

Yeah. And so another good man has bit the dust.

Severio, where will you and I go and rescue my bride out of that study?

Antonello's a prickle.

Pardon. You folks having fun? For God's sake, don't knock the poor fella.

You can't trust your wife at a wedding. You've really got a problem.

I love you madly.

Darling.

David, I'll always be yours alone.

But on one condition.

That we ship out to the Solomons.

Your husband would kill us both. And I'm allergic to bullets.

Yes, but I'll have to stay here for a while, Sherry.

Breasts and legs are reserved.

Hey, you two.

Oh, God. Hey.

Antonello.

Hey, in there.

The dress.

Where is it? The dress.

Up on the couch.

Here's a glove.

Russell Presentable. Right.

Say, I got all emotional and you had to calm me down. Be right there.

And don't forget that I'm almost yours.

Yeah. Hurry.

That's an aloe.

Go on, go on. Coming, coming.

Why is the door locked?

What locked?

Once in a while the handle gets stuck. You just have to know how to do it.

There. Are you... Wait a minute.

What's going on?

It's not important.

Brides get upset easy.

Why? What did you say to her?

Her stepmother. She's too embarrassed to explain the physical side of marriage

and well...

I didn't want her to go into an uncocked. Oh, well.

Let's join the others.

So now you shall lie in another's arms.

It was all my doing for making you marry Saveria.

Do you think you can ever forgive me for doing this awful thing to us?

Maud's labor's lost.

But your kisses were so sweet.

Now I wish I had taken you in marriage.

I lie awake all night, dreaming.

That you and I are together, the two of us on an island. The Solomons.

That you're naked.

But I'm happy that tomorrow you returned.

Flower gone.

Violated by your husband.

But you'll always be mine. In memory.

Though Severia possesses your body.

What are you doing here? You?

Well, I loaned Ellen a record, and I thought I'd just drop by to get it.

Oh, here it is.

By the way, she's written one letter after another.

And how is the little bride?

Oh, it's been a honeymoon out of a romantic novel.

She's deliriously happy.

I'm glad. In fact, she's so mad about her new husband, she decided to prolong

their vacation by about a week or so.

That's lovely.

Yes. She says it's even better than she imagined it would be. She uses words

like marvelous, stupendous, referring to the sex, naturally.

Ah. What else does she say?

She says that to be intimate for the first splendid moment with a man, that

the only way I'll understand it is to do it.

Oh. She sounds like an expert.

Why, now. The things she says in her letters.

No, no, no. really.

It'd be wrong to reveal the details she puts in.

Their confidences between women, not for, not for the ears of men.

Come on, Juliana, just give me an idea.

Why do you want to know?

Oh, you know, these confidences between women always drive me crazy.

Curious, huh? If I were to tell you these intimacies, what would you give me

return?

One kiss. Now your side of the bargain.

They do it every half hour.

They can't get enough of each other. Those lovebirds.

And her climaxes, she says, feel like a waterfall.

And Eleanor calls him, and guess what?

And he calls her a scabbard. What?

A scabbard? Yeah.

I've heard enough.

Oh, are you angry or excited?

What are you doing today, Juliana?

you like.

Let's go out. Back in about a week or so.

That's too long, I mean.

We've got to discuss business.

Affairs. Business?

Since when has Saverio ever had any interest in business affairs? You're

kidding. Listen to me. The only affair that's important to Saverio right now,

Antonello, is banging Eleanor.

What's Cosima doing here?

Poor Cosima.

She says she gets too depressed.

Staying at the other house, too many reminders of poor Salvatore.

Not a pretty girl, not pretty, but there's a lot to her. She'll probably

here a little while and... Like that.

She doesn't seem depressed to me at all.

She suffers.

She suffers. Oh, how she suffers.

I bet she was having an affair with Salvatore. That's why she's depressed.

Each man needs a woman like her a certain time, son.

There's a lot of suet there to repose on.

I heard you're coming down.

I'm getting awfully tired.

I'll go to a big pain in the ass.

Come help me. Don't just lie there.

Oh, I'm so tired.

Here, cover yourself.

You've got to go out there nude.

Ciao, Helena.

Don't be silly. I missed you madly. I thought of you every minute, honest.

Want me to continue lying through my teeth?

Helena, is it possible you've already forgotten?

Listen, you were mine. Well, you almost were. You said you were.

That was a moment of weakness.

But you gave me your promise.

I did not, Antonello. You're exaggerating.

Now what do I do with all this passion?

You're all upset and with no reason. You told me to marry, and so I did just as

I was ordered to, and now it's all over.

You mustn't do this, Ellen. I want to have you back.

Keep your hands off of me.

At least for the time being. Where are you?

There you are.

Caruso, I want to talk to you. Listen, that Texas girl was driving me out of my

skull. Make up your mind. Are you going to listen or go on copulating?

Caruso!

I'll see you in the study.

I was listening. Before you start, I want

to say something.

All right.

Go ahead, then. Let's hear it.

I want to discuss your stepsister.

Antonello, every time I try to comfort the poor woman so recently bereaved,

every time I try to relieve her pain or anguish, I always get interrupted.

I just want to tell you that these interruptions are bad.

I could be prone to heart attacks.

But I went seeking your counsel. And I counsel you not to interrupt anymore, if

you will, that climate of tenderness that I've created to help your poor

Ah, that was, uh... Mm -hmm.

Tenderness. Yeah, tenderness. Tenderness Sicilian style. And women love it,

especially your sister.

And one more thing. I ain't your father. I don't intend to continue counseling

you on erotic perversion. That ain't right. What do you want from me? Take

of your own problems and let me alone. Okay, okay. Okay.

I'll handle my own problems.

If I ask your help, God only knows.

Marvelous. You'll handle it alone.

doing here? I'm waiting for you. I had to see you. Did anyone see you come in

here, Antonello? The gardener did.

But I told him I suffer from rheumatism and that hot house hated good for me.

That's a kid.

No, it's too easy to be seen.

Oh, no one will see us.

No, I said not for the time being.

I've been waiting for this moment all day.

You don't understand. I'm a happily married woman.

And why are you crying?

Ellen, you're lying to me again. If you knew you could get away with betraying

your husband, you'd do it in a second.

But the reactions of a girl just married entering into adultery can be very

emotional. Darling, if I don't have you, I'll never have any peace.

You poor fellow, aren't you? Then you clear out of your gourd. Yes, darling,

you're right, you're right.

I'm crazy with desire.

Just you and me naked together.

What? Well, suppose someone saw us.

I admit, it does excite me.

The risk.

Doing it in a flower bed the first time is sort of gassy.

And besides, now I'm so hot, there's not much I can do about it.

I'm ready and able.

Senor Antonello.

Senor Antonello, how are you feeling?

Better, much better.

The muscle's still a bit rigid, though.

I think I'll keep it up a while longer.

I'll get back to work. The gardener might return.

Oh, no. Oh, no, don't worry about him.

I'll be ready in a second. What if he comes back?

He won't.

That lousy shirt, I hate it.

Nicky Louder is still in first place. Boy, what a fabulous champion. That's

I call a man's man. What the hell have we got a gardener for? Come on, Eleanor,

it's time for lunch.

Yes, I'll be there in a moment.

I'm afraid that your lunch will have to wait for another time, my love.

Say that? I spent two hours waiting on the terrace.

What did you tell the others?

I've never done it in a tub before, but the first time I do it with you, I want

it to be special.

Eleanor, you all right?

Is your headache any better?

Eleanor, you all right, little scabbard?

You better answer.

Yes, thanks. I'm taking a bath.

I still don't understand that. Who ever heard of taking a bath for a headache?

A bath is very relaxing.

It's really better not to, aren't it, Eleanor?

It's bad for your digestion, you know that?

Besides, would you mind hurrying up?

I've got to tend to my necessities.

I'll let you in in just a moment.

Have patience.

As an adventurer, it's fantastic, no?

What are you talking about? You murder us.

Eleanor, my teeth are floating. I'm in pain.

Gee, what a sublime picture you are, covered with sun.

A bath is just what I need, too. Exactly what I need, a little wallowing.

A bath?

Huh? What are you doing?

I'm undressing.

Sweetheart, you and me doing it in the soap session. Yes, yes, sounds like fun,

but I don't want to get my hair wet. But darling, we've never made love in the

water. Yes, yes, but first, first, go and get the shower cap. Okay, but don't,

don't you move, huh? You're beautiful.

I'll be right back, huh?

Hey, hey, Jeffy, do you think of a live sale?

I'll be back any second.

Hurry. I'll get dressed in another room.

You forgot to go to the bathroom. It backs up into your tummy.

I think we should spray those olive trees.

You see what I see?

Antonello, what are you doing nude?

He must be nuts in this weather. Sometimes he makes the very look like a

I'm afraid it's more serious than that. I think he's got a sexual problem.

I can't go more than nine times a night anymore. No, I mean as an exhibitionist,

a pervert. What's he doing now? Going for a swim. He's sick, all right. It's

normal. He'll catch a desert goat.

He's being an ice water. Not a bad idea. If you're lucky, he'll catch pneumonia.

He'll end up at an institute.

Watch it.

Belenar, Antonello.

Watch how good I am with a pencil. I'm better than the Lone Ranger.

Well, the hunting season will soon be open. We'll be up to our ears in

and grouse. You can depend on me. Our great white hunter.

Where did those two nuts go?

I don't know.

For God's sake.

I put on a great exhibition of shooting. Severio, each time we get along,

Severio. Count your blessings. We did manage a few kisses.

I'd better answer.

You're a great shot.

There you are. Didn't you hear me?

You could hire out as a killer. Yeah, a killer, a gorilla.

I love it. The crackest shot in the whole land.

Dillinger. You ready? Watch this.

Have I told you today I love you?

Not a word, no. Oh,

but I can sense it.

They can't touch me, those fuzz, eh?

They better not get cheeky with me. I'm good with either hand.

You can still do it with the best of them.

Oh, I'm getting old.

There was a time when I could dance till morning.

Listen, honey, you can still compete.

Oh, that's disorder.

And tonight's the servants' night off.

What do we need the servants for?

After all, I'm here to help you. Why, it's the least I can do. It's my

to take care of you. Here, I'll help you. Mind your own business. I'll take

of the ladies' needs. Get up the saucers, the plates, the cups.

Ah, there we are. We'll put everything on the tray. Just put them right on top

there. My pleasure.

Why don't you go get undressed?

With your permission.

Listen to me, Antonello. You simply can't go on like this.

Go on like what? Come on, like it's plainly written all over your face,

You're horny.

Listen, I prefer not to speak about these things in front of Eleanor. I

silly, Eleanor's a woman of experience. She's been around.

She knows the score.

Now, if you want my opinion, you really should get married.

Like me. A woman brought to the altar?

There's a woman of hidden treasures. But they're not all the same, are they? I

don't think that's his problem, Saverio. Of course it is. And I should like to

say, before you go on, this is man talk.

But you finished saying a second ago... I finished saying a second ago that you

could listen, right?

But that doesn't give you the right to speak, Eleanor.

Friend Antonello, let's pretend that you're enamored of a, well, a married

Because of the fact that you're a bachelor, there would be an imbalance.

The relationship would be asymmetrical.

Asymmetrical?

Look, in adultery, what's the classic situation?

The triangle. You're wrong.

The classic situation in real adultery is the quadrangle.

It's one of my theories on which I intend to write an essay.

Let's say both adulterers, the two of them, have spouses to consider.

Then you're in a situation with perfect balance. Yeah?

For the man, naturally.

Naturally, my dear.

Yeah, but is that reason to marry?

Boo? Look, if you're a real friend of Antonello's, you'd advise the lad to

marry. Yes.

It could solve your dilemma.

No, no.

Marry me.

Marry me.

Marry me.

The bride is waiting for you back at the house.

Don't be absurd, Eleanor.

I'm in love with you, darn it. Then what about your letter to Saverio saying how

much you love Juliana that you wrote on your honeymoon?

But those expressions of love were for you. You were to read between the lines.

Writing that she called you her sanuri and sees your beautiful geisha.

This situation is all your husband's fault, triangle, quadrangle. A whole lot

nonsense. And if they become lovers, Saverio and Juliana?

A little wife -swapping is healthy.

Yeah, that's all we are, a hank of hair, bosom and ass, who all you males show

when it's a kick.

You made Harry to nearly rape me on my wedding day. And there's Juliana.

Guys are all as fickle as can be. You're all such bastards.

Calm down, calm down. Tell me that Juliana doesn't mean anything to you.

doesn't exist, it's the truth, I swear it.

Antonello, come on, I want to take you for a ride in my new people eater.

We'll take her for a speed run, see what she can do.

No, no thanks.

I'm afraid I'll get car sick.

Ellen and I know better than to ask, because she's jealous of her. Yeah, my

-bodied, souped -up mistress.

All right, I'll go along. See you later.

My little car, I love to drive you around the corner.

Darling.

Baby.

Wouldn't it be great if Siberia were to run into a butterfly?

I was thinking that too. It would be nice if we were laid up for at least a

month.

Nothing to it.

Here. That's it. That's it.

Pull it. Here we are.

Oh, Ellen.

My darling love, you... Next time, would you bring along a pair of scissors?

Here we go.

Like this.

I still love you, Mom, when I, when I dream.

about the muscle in the middle.

If you ask me, Eleanor, he reminds me of Frankenstein.

Charles Severio, you look stupendous.

Sure I do. The stupendous mummy that belongs in a pyramid. By the time I get

of this, my balls will be atrophied.

But, Severio, what am I going to say to Uncle Antonello?

Just say I'll be occupied caring for my husband because it's all my fault.

Sister.

Yes? Sister, I must ask.

Might there be any complications of any sort?

We're doing all we can. You must have faith.

It's a case of lighting candles, is it? Yes, light candles.

Our Lord is always grateful.

Can I buy you some flowers? For me?

No, for all of you.

My superior.

Tell me your name.

Mr. Pierre.

I think I'm beginning to feel a vocation of holiness.

You're only cutting off the cast, Don Saverio, not your head. I'm not worried

about my head.

Courage, darling. What I'm concerned about is further to the self.

I want to see for myself that nothing's missing. I want to see my neck.

You know what? Neck tie, don't you, Doctor?

I understand.

And at the right moment, we'll free those two. You needn't worry.

Now, let's proceed with the collar.

Please wait outside. No.

Don't go.

Don't go. They're going to cut my head off.

I'll never get to see my balls.

Don't let them do it.

He'll be released in a couple of days, the doctor said.

The man in his condition? Yes, he has amazing bones.

My husband's back at the house.

He'll be exposed day and night.

It was my fault he had the accident. I feel guilty as a result.

So that's it. We'll never make love again.

How can you say that? We've never done it.

Alan, I want you.

Little scabbard, how I suffer.

I'll take care of you.

Don't worry.

Everybody's got your poor wife under surveillance.

Including you.

No way. And I find your suspicions odious and offensive.

Special circumstances, the poor little asshole.

When a woman is sexually disoccupied like Ellen is, I tell you, she's easy

to the sort of guy I just abhor.

And you don't want to hear a word in self -defense. Do you call that right?

But he's not insinuating. He's supposing, imagining a bit. It's

Listen, I know men, don't worry. And also women.

The whole wide world is a jungle, and certain animals... got horns. And he's

a disadvantage, poor fellow. As the poet says, a man has to be able, or he gets

horns on his table. Oh, Papa, I'm hurt.

Just what do you want from me? Simple, you follow her. And if you see something

wrong, you take care of it. With the organization, you've got her spies in

place. She hasn't a minute alone. It's rank folly. If you love her, you should

trust her. Come on, eat for your customer.

No. You mustn't say no to your mama.

What mama, Papa?

Well, almost.

So there you asked me to do the strangest thing.

He said that he wanted that I should spy on Anna. He seemed quite out of his

mind.

Spy on her? Yes.

But she's a saint.

Oh, she may be, but you know, she told me she's a very hot woman.

Oh, ooh la la.

Bed in their marriage bed.

She's a tigress.

That deep down, there's a slut in her.

A sex nut. She shouldn't be telling me that.

She can't get enough, she says.

And her husband is the same way. Oh, was.

His sword is always ready to slip into her scabbard.

Her theory is that in every nice girl, there's a slut raging to get out.

And you know what?

I'm a nice girl.

And she's right.

action whatsoever.

I'm going to shoot myself in the ass.

The doctor said excitement is bad for you. It's better this way. Let me have a

look. Raise your skirt up. More, more, more, more.

Both fingers.

Eleanor, it's happening.

Yeah, it's happening.

It's coming up, Eleanor. It's coming up.

You mustn't, Severia. You mustn't. Because first you've got to get better,

the doctor told you.

That's not bad. It's growing bigger. The pressure's good. I can't tell you how

great it feels.

Oh, what's happened? Oh, God, is that kicking? I feel better already.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Well? Just walk in.

So sorry. I mean, I didn't realize.

You've ruined an experiment. The most important test in today's medicine.

We almost brought me... Brought it off.

Here.

Thank you.

Can I get you anything?

No, thanks.

You'll soon be on your feet.

Congratulations, Severio.

Don't be funny, huh?

It's not my feet I care about. It's my middle muscle.

Ellen, I brought Juliana. She figured she could spell you a while.

I'm sure you could use the rest. Ellen, this face is getting so thin. But

really, I'm not tired.

No, it's an order, Ellen. You need a bit of fresh air. Balls on the guy. The

tone. It's an order, Ellen. Taking advantage of me because I'm temporarily

of commission.

Fine friend you are.

May I?

Here we are. And how are we today?

Juliana here will sit with you for a while. But kindly...

The wife for your physical therapy, eh?

Oh, it's good for you, exercise.

I'll be glad to assist you. I know a lot of them. Physical therapy's a wonderful

thing. I feel I'd better stay here in the room. No, go on, go on.

Otherwise I'll get to be known as a monster.

Now then, shall we commence the exercises?

There's no doubt he'll soon be normal again. There go our plans. But he was

never normal.

Psychotherapy is what he needs.

I'd like to make love right here. What do you think? Are you crazy?

Let's do it right here.

Eleanor, my love, where are you?

In the little chapel praying for me?

Eleanor! King Khan's practically here.

Eleanor, where are you? Come and see how well I'm walking.

Watch me. Look at the progress. See how nimble I am? Look at me go.

The monster's walking, you know, with a bit of luck.

Isn't this a nice surprise, huh? All week long I've been preparing for it.

Come on, Eleanor, aren't you going to smile at least? I thought you'd be happy

about it.

But I just wasn't expecting you.

Yeah, we were just talking about you and how glad we are that you're out and

around. And specifically about making up for lost time. I must exercise with

Juliana more. Our motto goes like, Recuperate!

Recuperate!

Or have you been hit?

I haven't been hit. And you?

Me neither.

Blasting away again, huh?

Who is that?

Thank you.