Original subtitles

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Max ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

CARTER: Yeah!

Wait, wait! Remix! ♪ Birthday ♪

-♪ What? ♪ -♪ Birthday ♪

-♪ What? ♪ -♪ Time to get spanked ♪

♪ On your birthday butt ♪

♪ Wicka-wicka-wicka ♪

-♪ What? ♪ -♪ What? ♪

Just be grateful they decided not to twerk.

Three hours of rehearsal, down the drain.

I just really want to thank you guys.

You know, it's...

it's times like this that you realize what really matters is--

CARTER: Come on, man.

It's ice-cream cake.

Just blow out the damn candles.

Yay!

(cheering)

All right, let the spanking begin.

Wait, wait, wait. Not so fast.

-Ooh! -(screaming)

Demon cake!

Yeah. Probably should've seen that coming.

What are you doing?

Uh, tying my shoe.

Max, I'm really sorry.

Ah, it's all right, I don't need any cake

as long as I've got good friends, my health,

and presents.

Presents, presents, presents!

Uh, well, this year I had

everyone chip in--

So I'm only getting one present?

Yeah, but you're getting one really awesome present,

one that you'll never forget.

Oh, great,

like the time you took me on a "behind-the-scenes tour"

of the aquarium and gave me a quiz afterward?

(car horn honks outside)

What's that?

-What? -Did somebody's

birthday gift arrive?

Oh, my God.

You guys bought me a car?

You're the best!

Oh, uh, we didn't get you a car, we rented you an RV

so we can take a tour of the Smoky Mountains

like you always wanted to!

I think he's still really gonna like it.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me. ♪

CARTER: Hey, babe, what do you think I should pack?

Katana blade or nunchucks?

(clattering)

Uh, we're going camping in an RV.

Yeah, I'm being silly.

I'll leave Wesley Slice at home.

But I'm definitely taking Nunchuck Norris.

Hey, um, I know we haven't set a date for the wedding yet,

but my lease is up and I wasn't sure if I should renew, or...

Well, why would you renew? We getting married.

Oh, I was hoping you'd say that.

Yeah, I can't wait to live with you.

And all your candles and tiny little soaps

that I'm not allowed to touch.

Mm. Okay, great.

Well, I'll just tell Max,

and then we can go look for our place.

Oh, good news. Found it.

Wait, what? Your place?

The one with the basketball hoop and the Star Wars poster?

No, our place.

And that's a limited edition print

signed by the little guy inside the robot.

So, that's basically an R2-D2 401K.

Yeah, I want to live somewhere

that's a little more us

and a lot less... you.

Yeah, but this is a great neighborhood,

and it's right near my son's school.

Well, we can find another place in this area.

I like this place.

I spilled syrup down the floor vent

so when the heat comes on, it smells delicious.

Come on, we're supposed to be starting our lives together.

Look at that little bitty kitchen.

We need a kitchen big enough

for someone who has an ass.

Do not insult my ass.

You can bounce a damn quarter off this thing.

It's thicker than a Snicker.

No, we can't,

because we have to save our quarters

for the Laundromat because this stupid place

doesn't have a washing machine.

Oh, if you calling this condo stupid,

you calling me stupid.

Well, if the katana fits!

♪ ♪

Thank you so much for watching the cats.

I've been criticizing their life choices the past few days

to get them used to your type of affection.

-You're welcome. -(Kat laughs)

Though when you said "take care of the cats,"

I thought you meant something far more permanent.

Well, it'll be a breeze.

And I jotted down a few helpful hints

in case anything comes up.

This is the binder for Cat-am Sandler.

You'll find the other 14 in the storage room,

right next to Mr. Mittens' diapers

and depression medication.

I have to think the hospital gave me the wrong baby.

Okay, who's ready to go rough it

in a 400-square-foot rolling apartment

with a microwave, a shower, and an Xbox?

This guy.

(laughs) Well, I'm ready.

I was up all night making homemade mosquito repellant.

Really? That's a thing?

Oh, yeah. Lemongrass, citronella,

and just a kiss of urine.

There was a cute little red-headed baby there

that I quite liked.

Uh, Gideon?

I can't believe I'm going on my first road trip.

Good news, I found my harmonica.

(playing melody)

That's great.

Yeah, we didn't know you wanted to come...

on a couples' trip...

in an RV that only has two beds.

They don't want you to go, kid.

I see.

(plays sad note)

You-you know what?

The more the merrier.

Yeah, sure, why not?

But you owe me a present. No donation in my name,

no star named after me, no tree planted in my honor.

I want a cool toy that I can play with.

You know what, Gideon?

Since you're bringing your harmonica,

I'm gonna bring my castanets.

I mean, I don't want to oversell it, but check this out.

It sounds a lot better with the actual castanets.

She knows she smells like pee, right?

(playing sad melody)

All right, that was "From Depths of Woe I Cry to Thee."

Anybody else have a favorite hymn they'd like to hear?

How about "On the Road Again"?

Don't know that one, but here's a little ditty called

"There Is a Fountain Filled With Blood."

Carter, if you ever want to see me naked again,

you better take that harmonica from him.

Sorry, man. I'm not anti-harmonica,

but I am pro-nudity.

I just flossed my teeth at 70 miles per hour,

so I'm basically an astronaut. (laughs)

Oh, Gideon, no more harmonica?

Guess I'll have to do a solo jam.

(castanets clacking)

Carter!

Yeah, I'm on it.

Give me these.

Uh, Kat, about this binder you made for the trip?

Oh, you mean "Max's Smokin' Birthday Weekend

in the Smoky Mountains, asterisk: A Smoke-Free Weekend"?

Yeah.

There's a lot of stuff in here

about things that will kill us:

like bears, killer bees,

and-and eventually climate change?

Well, our greatest weapon is education.

Except against killer bees.

Because, ironically, that one's climate change.

Okay, "Step one, identify if a bear is a black bear

"or a brown bear.

Step one-A, black bears can also be brown."

Why does everything got to be about color?

Here's the thing. If you're attacked by a brown bear,

play dead.

If you're attacked by a black bear,

don't play dead.

But black bears can be brown, brown bears cannot be black,

and if we see a polar bear, we're on a magical island

where nothing will ever make sense.

We can also fight back with the most powerful weapon of all.

Prayer.

Or a razor-sharp katana.

Oh, wait. Someone told me not to bring that.

You know what someone should've told you not to bring?

Your dumb ass.

-Oh. Here. -Oh.

Oh, you're gonna regret that.

Uh, is everything okay between you two?

Well, I haven't had a chance to talk to Max about this yet,

but since our lease is up,

-me and this cinderblock-head decided to move in together. -What?

Assuming we can agree on where, or anything.

Oh, I can't wait.

Wait, this fight isn't gonna break you up, right?

'Cause I already started

a Pinterest board for your wedding.

Your colors are green and mustard.

Mustard?

So, I either got to find a new place

or get another roommate?

This is the same thing that happened

when my mom married Stan.

Don't worry, Max.

When God closes a door,

He opens a window.

And guess who's climbing through that window, roomie?

-(playing upbeat melody) -Oh, my God.

(clacking)

♪ ♪

-Can I get y'all anything else? -Nah.

-No, thank you. -We're good.

How about you, sugar?

"Sugar."

That's my first nickname.

I'll give you one.

Martha.

That's my mother's name.

You're cute and funny.

Here's your check.

(laughs)

Gideon.

My name is Sugar.

Okay, Sugar, I think she likes you.

Go talk to her.

But take the olives off your fingers first.

Aw. Okay.

I'll go see if she needs help washing dishes.

(chuckles)

Excuse me, Martha...

That boy need practice talking to women.

Hey, maybe we should take him to a strip club.

Oh, well, why don't you just take him to your bathroom?

It looks like a strip club.

Black tile and those tacky gold faucets.

Oh! So gold is tacky?

You want to call the Olympics and tell them

that their best prize is tacky?

No, I'm gonna call my cousin

and tell her I'm marrying

the manager of the Bada Bing!

Oh!

(laughter)

You know, I think they staged that fight

because they don't want to pay for lunch.

Yeah, I think you're probably right.

But it is my birthday, so...

Okay, all right, I got you.

And, uh, I hope you saved some room.

There's a really cool place up ahead

that sells cheese in the shape of presidents.

Kind of itching for some Pepper Jack Kennedy.

Ich bin ein delicious.

What are you doing?

I'm taking the ketchup packets.

-Why? -Well, we can use them

on our burgers tonight and, uh...

I don't want to brag, but this is how

I've managed to not buy a bottle of ketchup in six years.

Uh, first of all, weird flex.

Uh, and I have had the same bottle of ketchup for six years.

You know, you've actually saved like $1.40.

Oh, I'm not who's about to be homeless, Max.

Speaking of which,

ever since Gideon said he wanted to be my roommate

I've been thinking about...

how much I don't want that to happen.

-Oh. -And, uh, I don't know,

I had this crazy idea that maybe we could...

Maybe we could what?

Actually, forget it, it's...

No, I-I want to know what were you gonna say.

I don't know.

You... You probably... You might not like it.

Well, I might think it's, like, the greatest idea in the world.

(sighs)

-Okay, let me guess. -Okay.

Might it have something to do with...

Mi casa es su casa?

Yes.

Do you want to live together?

¡Sí, señor!

And I know it's quick, but it just feels right.

It totally feels right. That was so easy.

-Do you see how easy that was? -Yeah.

Why are Carter and Randi fighting so much about it?

Because not every couple is as awesome as we are.

Truth. Suck it, Randi and Carter.

Bada bing and bada boom.

I mean, if this were the...

the Olympics of couples, we would take the gold.

How are we gonna pose when we get on the Wheaties box?

♪ ♪

So, you'll never guess what happened.

If this has anything to do with The Commander in Cheese,

I don't want to know.

But how good was that Burrata Obama?

With you and Carter moving in together,

I had a great idea.

Max and I are gonna move in together!

Mm.

What's "mm"?

Nothing.

No, that's the same "mm" you used

when I told you I wanted to get jeggings.

Well, nobody looks good in jeggings.

Well, I do.

What, you don't think it's a good idea?

Honestly, I've lived with you both

and he's gonna drive you crazy.

Well, we're practically living together already.

We're around each other all the time and it's going great.

RANDI: No, this is different.

Max doesn't think anything through.

He's a child. I can't tell you the number of times

he's left the house for groceries

and came back with water balloons.

It's 12.

That's called being spontaneous and fun.

It's why we get along.

Yeah, but you like things a certain way

and you're kind of an overthinker.

(laughing): I am not.

Well, I-I guess sometimes I can be.

But, you know, sometimes you have to be.

Hold on, wait; give me a second and let me think about it.

No, I'm not. Right?

Look, if you want to move in with Max, go right ahead.

I'm just saying

Carter and I have been together for a while

and even we're struggling with it.

Well, he's struggling to see that I'm right,

but I'll get him there.

(laughing): Well, Max and I are a very different couple

than you and Carter.

Different like how?

Different like better?

N-No. Pfft. No.

Different like... Like, uh...

equal but separate...

like separate but equal.

I'm just...

I'm gonna take a left turn off this cliff over here.

That's what I'm gonna do.

All right, you've got two zombies on your six.

-I'll cover you with the shotgun -(shotgun racking)

then take a flamethrower to the door.

(flamethrower whooshing)

Aw, look, a little zombie girl.

-(zombie girl growling) -That's cute.

You're gonna bite me?

Chainsawed!

(chain saw revving)

This is so much fun.

Are we having what you fellas call "bro time"?

Well, we've got beer, video games,

and I'm farting when I want to, so, yeah.

Hey, did you ask out that waitress?

Well, I left behind

a wicker doll that looked like the prophet Isaiah,

so I definitely made the first move.

Gideon, you're not on the farm anymore.

When you like a girl, ask for her phone number,

slide into her DMs, have sex with her best friend

so she gets jealous, then make the move over.

Yeah, you got to be romantic.

Women dig that stuff.

Ah, fire in the hole!

(farts) Ah.

Uh, by the way,

Randi and I call the other bed.

You sure she's gonna want to sleep with you?

She seems pretty pissed.

I don't know why she doesn't want to move into my place.

My first wife loved it.

Losing that condo was harder for her than losing me.

That's probably why Randi doesn't want to live there.

-You bought it with your ex-wife. -So?

I also bought the bed that we sleep in with my ex-wife.

Do not tell her that.

Even I know that.

And the only woman I've ever kissed

was my Nana, right before we buried her.

♪ ♪

I have made...

fire!

You just turned on the propane.

But I made fire.

Oh, thanks for letting me chop the wood.

Usually that honor goes to the elder

with the season's highest corn yield,

but I won't tell if you won't.

Oh, you're welcome,

but you are letting me wash the dishes tonight.

Aw, really?

Oh, okay, you can do them.

But you owe me.

You are the best.

Are you not gonna tell him that we don't need firewood?

Girl, I'm just trying to tucker him out.

I got bored playing fetch with him.

(laughs)

Ugh, what is that smell?

Nature?

Gross.

(hissing)

(sniffs)

Ooh, nice. Pine-scented.

KAT: Uh-oh.

What's going on over here?

Making burgers.

But they're not all the same thickness.

Like, look, fatty patty.

Who cares?

Uh, everyone, when they don't cook evenly.

-It's fine. -Yeah, well...

It's gonna be. (chuckles)

Okay, okay. All right. Yeah.

-Thank you. -Oh, you're welcome.

Um, hey, where'd you put the ketchup packets?

Oh, right, so I stuck them under the seat of the toilet

and when Gideon sat down, it squirted in his underwear.

You used my ketchup packets for a prank?

Yeah, he thought he was dying, it was hilarious.

Great. Thanks a lot, Max.

Are you mad?

Well, you knew I wanted them for our burgers

and you wasted them on a stupid prank.

Mm, awesome prank.

Oh, my gosh, you are a child.

And you're an adult yelling at me over ketchup packets.

I'm not yelling. And, you know, it's not even

about the ketchup packets.

We now all have to eat dry burgers

because you didn't think this through

or consider anyone else and you know what?

Yeah, now I guess I am yelling!

MAX: Oh, my God, would you relax?

You know what would help me relax?

The zesty tang of ketchup!

MAX: You are being ridiculous.

Is this what you're gonna be like when we move in together?

You know, maybe it is.

Is this what you're gonna be like

when we move in together?

Yeah, probably,

'cause this is who I am.

Oh, and one more thing.

I liked who you were, fatty patty.

-Give me that! -No!

-You give me that fatty patty! -No, stop it.

-KAT: Give it! -(Randi chuckles)

Better couple, my ass.

-Give it! -Ow, it's hot.

♪ Oh, you can't ride in the little red wagon ♪

♪ Wheel is broke and the axle's saggin' ♪

♪ Chug-chug, chug-chug-chug ♪

♪ Next verse, same as the first ♪

♪ Little bit louder and a whole lot worse. ♪

Everybody!

I'm gonna hit him with my walking stick.

This hike is taking forever.

Why are we even doing this?

Look, I want to go home.

To my fantastic home.

No one is going home!

Okay? We're gonna see a gorgeous fricking lake

in 4.81 miles.

And we're gonna take pictures and we're gonna smile

and we're gonna post those pictures online

so that everybody can see how great our lives are.

#Max'sSmokingBirthday,

#SmokyMountains,

#BinderLife.

Stop talking.

Damn, you beat me to it.

(growling)

-KAT: Holy crap. -RANDI: Oh, Lord.

Mommy.

-(growling) -What do we do?

Yeah. What do we do?

(growling)

Oh.

I'll pray for you!

Okay, that's a black bear.

So that means that it's either a black bear...

or not a black bear.

Well, your binder said to make yourself as big as possible

and then slowly back away.

Oh, you read my binder?

There was a lot of good pictures of me in there.

Did the binder say anything

about marking your territory

with your own pee?

'Cause... we now have that covered.

MAX: Okay.

Everybody, as big as possible.

(bear snarling)

(roaring)

Uh...

♪ You can't ride ♪

♪ In my little red wagon ♪

♪ Wheel is broke ♪

♪ And the axle's saggin' ♪

What are you doing?

I am not dying to that song.

We're supposed to make noise that's non-threatening.

Uh...

♪ Chug-chug, chug-chug-chug ♪

♪ You can't ride in my little red wagon ♪

♪ Wheel is broke and the axle's saggin'. ♪

-RANDI: He's turning around! -KAT: Yeah.

Yeah, that's right, walk away, Yogi.

-(roaring) -(screaming)

(gasping, grunting)

A lot of things came into focus

when I was protecting you from that bear.

You were standing behind me.

Wha...?

I didn't want it to sneak up on you.

It's called having your back, Randi.

I don't want to fight anymore.

We went camping with a bunch of white people

and almost got killed. That's on us.

Look, I get you don't want to move into my condo

because I lived there with my ex-wife.

You did? I didn't know that!

Well, then I didn't, and you still don't know that.

Well, I was thinking maybe we can change a few things

about your place to make it feel more like our place.

Really? Thank you, baby.

But now that I know that Stephanie lived there with you,

we are ripping that sucker down to the studs.

We could do that.

You know, uh, Stephanie was there when I bought my old Xbox.

So, we gonna need to get the new one.

(Randi chuckles)

Sorry your birthday was kind of a bust.

Are you kidding? I punched out a bear.

And you're gonna back me up when I tell people that,

-that's your birthday gift to me. -(sighs)

I have never been so terrified.

Yeah.

I'm really glad you were there with me.

Yeah, the whole thing just made

what we were fighting about seem so stupid.

I shouldn't have called you a child.

I shouldn't have called you a control freak.

You didn't.

Right, that was with Carter.

So even though I'm a bit of a micromanager...

you still want to move in together?

Sí, señor.

Yeah, and if you think it's too quick,

I can totally find

(whispering): another roommate.

I said that low in case Gideon's around.

If the two of us can get through that,

we can get through anything.

Except climate change, that's really gonna require

more of a group effort.

-Max. -(chuckling)

-We're gonna move in together! -(grunts)

(Kat laughs)

Wait, is that the RV?

KAT: Hey, is that Gideon driving?

Does Gideon know how to drive?

I'm sure he does.

I'm gonna ask the waitress out on a date!

Life is too short!

No, stop the RV!

Don't know how! Bye!

Hello, Mother.

SHEILA: Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Just wanted to let you know

we are headed back

and we should be home in a few hours.

Wonderful. Drive safe.

KAT: We will. And, uh...

thanks again for taking care of the cats.

Oh, yes, of course. They were little angels.

Oh, crap.

("You Can't Ride in My Little Red Wagon" playing)

♪ ♪

Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org