All language subtitles for Call.Me.Kat.S03E09.720p.HULU.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Subtítulos01.ENG

'Twas the week
before Chrismukkah,

all through the café,

eight nights of candles
and a guy on a sleigh.

The Jews eat a lot of food,
all fried up in oil.

The goyim give presents,
wrapped up in tinfoil.

SHEILA:
On vodka,

on whiskey,

on brandy and gin.

If you're about
to start drinking,

you know I'm all in.

-Hey!
-Whoo!

-Hello?
-Wow, looks like
a Hallmark movie

threw up in here.

(sighs) Well,
I love Chrismukkah.

The music, the traditions,
the TV shows.

My favorite is Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Tax Lawyer

from Palm Beach.

You were a weird six-year-old,

and you're an even
weirder 41-year-old.

What have you guys been up to?

Oh, we're just hanging out
at The Middle C, talking about

important stuff, like,
life, our girlfriends,

who'd win in a fight, Batman
or Kevin from Home Alone.

You sure you're okay
hanging out in a bar?

It's only been a few weeks
since you stopped drinking.

And it's obviously Kevin,

he would do anything to get back
with his family.

I was fine, Kat,

just like when we were
in the wine section

at the grocery store,

or when that
tequila commercial came on,

or when I stand too close
to your mother.

Well, what you're doing

is not easy.

I remember how hard it was
for me to give up sugar.

You just put whipped cream

and two sugar packets
in that hot chocolate.

I'm halfway through
a six-year taper, okay, Randi?

Well, I'm great.
I woke up early,

I worked on a song,
went to the rock climbing gym,

met a guy named Barry
in the locker room

who dries himself off from
head to toe with a blow dryer.

Why do you hate towels, Barry?

You're spending more time at
that gym than you are with me.

I'm starting to think
you might be taking me

for granite. (laughs)

Ugh, you know, Max,
I have some friends

with daughters
who'd be perfect for you.

-Uh...
-Thank you for the offer,
Sheila,

but I have to decline, again.

You know, how would you feel
if I came climbing with you?

Not a question.
I'm coming climbing with you.

Hm... yeah, that would be great.

You can meet blow dryer Barry.

Unbelievable. Louisville Weekly
just kicked me out

of the Twelve Pubs
of Christmas bar crawl.

They said they wanted
new businesses.

Mm, sounds racist to me.

Damn it, I should've said that.

They're gonna replace me

with that stupid board game bar.

Corks and Orcs?
I love that place.

They do beer pong right.

First, you have a beer,

then you play Pong.

That pub crawl is the biggest
money maker of the year for me.

I mean, I bought a crazy
expensive beer tap system,

maxed out my credit card,

and this one's in my real name.

Well, you know you can
make the money back

by charging white people
double on MLK Day.

They can't say no.

-It's true, we really can't.
-Yeah.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Now, why would they pick
this place over The Middle C

for the pub crawl?

It's a bunch of toys and games.

What does that have to do
with Christmas?

I see Jenga,
I see pick-up sticks,

I see vodka.
We are one match away

from a bunch of chess nerds
roasting on an open fire.

Damn, you a sexy badass.

I never want
to break up with you,

and even if I did,
I'd be too scared to.

-Oh, hey, guys.
-Sup, Zac.

Heard you got picked

for the Twelve Pubs
of Christmas this year.

Yeah, bad move.

-What are you doing?
-I'm sending a message.

I just wanted to warn you

that the pub crawl
is a ton of work and no reward.

Kind of like having kids.

You got kids?

I have a dog.

You know how they poop
on the rug,

and then you step in it?

That's what the Twelve Pubs
of Christmas is like.

Uh, I don't know,
the magazine said

the pub crawl
makes a lot of money.

But is business really
about making money, though?

For me? No, I got in early
on Bitcoin.

Really? Not married, no kids?

(chuckling)
You know, I love dogs.

What are you doing?

I'm sending a different message.

-(chuckles)
-Well,

I came up with a... (chuckles)
pretty sick theme.

Uh, I don't want
to toot my own horn,

-but "toot, toot."
-(laughs)

Toot, toot. (laughs)

Yeah, I will be

converting Corks and Orcs

into an interactive

science fiction
space Christmas adventure.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. See,

you got a problem already.

That's way too small for people.

-This is a model.
-Oh. Oh, you know,

some people said that
I should be a model.

Oh, you want to see something

extremely cool?

-Check this out. (chuckles)
-(festive music playing)

GEORGE TAKEI (over recording):
Space and holiday cheer.

This is the voyage

of the Twelve Pubs of Christmas.

Insert cool space sound.

Vroom.

I'm George Takei,

and welcome to Corks and Orcs.

You know,
I've got a catchphrase.

Should I say it?

-Oh, my.
-(mouths words)

(chuckles) I still have to edit
the final version,

but, uh, yeah, Mr. Sulu himself

is gonna be here

playing Connect Four
with my customers.

(laughs) I hear,
after a few drinks,

he'll trash-talk Shatner.

-(laughs)
-Oh, uh,

excuse me.

Oh, Zac, you are so hilarious.

Let's laugh over dinner
sometime, your treat.

(laughs)

Damn, all I was gonna do
was throw some brandy

in some expired milk and
tell everybody it was eggnog.

Yeah, babe,
your idea sucks so bad.

-Are you putting on--
Can we go, please?
-Go?

You ain't got no Bitcoin.

MAX:
Yeah, you're doing great.

Now, reach for the blue one.

Which is the blue one?

The altitude
is blurring my vision.

Just imagine
you're raising your hand

to volunteer for extra homework.

Oh.

MAX:
You got it. That's it.
Now, one more.

-Don't look down.
-KAT: Okay.

I'm not looking down.

(gasps) Oh, I looked down.

It's okay, all I saw
was my boobs.

That's good. They motivate me,
let them motivate you.

(grunts)

-(rings bell)
-(laughs)

I can't believe it.

I did it! Take that, gravity!

(laughs)

Excuse me,

can Kiera have a turn
on the kids' wall?

(mocking): Can Kiera have a turn
on the kids' wall?

Okay, I know
I'm gonna regret asking,

but what are you doing?

I'm strengthening my hands
for rock climbing.

It'll also come in handy
if I ever need to milk a goat.

Strengthening your hands
will only accentuate

the hair on them.

Mother, it's not hair,
it's peach fuzz.

Ooh, it's dark
and kind of thick peach fuzz.

I'm doing this so I can become a
better climbing partner for Max.

Maybe some day
we'll summit Kilimanjaro,

but today at 4:00,
I'm gonna show the kiddie wall

what an advanced beginner
looks like.

I'm back in the
Twelve Pubs of Christmas.

-Oh!
-Oh, babe, that's amazing.

Wait, is Corks and Orcs out?

Is Zac okay? Do he
and his Bitcoin need to be held?

No, everyone is still in.

Oh, so there's
13 Pubs of Christmas?

They're still gonna call it
the Twelve Pubs of Christmas.

Mm, but that would be inaccurate
because there's 13.

Does no one care about numbers?

I do. You have
ten hairy fingers.

Well, how did you get them
to change their minds?

Did you sleep with someone?

I'll be mad,
but game recognize game.

I went down
to Louisville Weekly,

and I told them
I have a killer concept

that's pure genius
and cannot be denied.

Then they denied me,
so I said that's racist,

and now I'm back in.

Ooh, what's your concept?
Cats in Santa hats?

Cats in antlers?
Cats in yarmulkes?

I mean, those are all so good,
how would you pick?

How about an ugly sweater party?

The pub can crawl

right through
Katharine's closet.

I'm doing an ice bar.

Everything in The Middle C,
from the furniture to the bar,

will be made out of ice.

And Darren said he's got a guy
who can get me a penguin.

Ice?

Yeah, that's gonna be too cold
for the cats.

There will be no cats.

All right, now,

according to the
Boulder Bros on YouTube,

it's very important
to warm up the hands

before we climb the snot
out of this janky-ass pitch.

It's a very bro-centric channel.

My hands are warm.

Barry made me blow-dry his back.

My hands are wet,
my hands are dry.

My hands are wet,
my hands are dry. Come on.

-I'm squeezing your boobs.
I'm having fun.
-Oh...

I'm squeezing your boobs.
I'm having fun.

Hey, you know, we should have
a YouTube channel.

We could call it, uh...

"Kat to the Max." (laughs)

Ooh, is this what
climber's high feels like?

No, for that, we actually
have to climb, so...

I'll go first.

You stay here.

Nice and quiet.

Right. You got this.

Okay, reach.
Yeah, stick that jug.

You got a pretty spicy pinch
coming up.

Maybe do a knee-bar,
give your hands a rest.

Great tip.

(grunts) Really helps me
clear my mind.

Hey, before you get
to that undercling,

you've got a little,
uh, undercling

going on in your shorts.
(laughs)

You are literally
driving me up this wall.

KAT:
Okay, I'm sorry.

It's just you and the rock.

I'm not even here.

Go to your happy place.

Kat to the Max.

Damn, I wish I had a beer
right now...

so I could drop it on her.

That's my boyfriend.

We got a YouTube channel.

Whew, it's colder
than my ex in here.

Would you quit your whining.

We're creating a magical
holiday wonderland.

And Tasha wasn't cold,

-she just had standards.
-(scoffs)

Aw...

Come on, man.

What? It's ice, it's slippery.

Plus, I just lotioned up.

-Sweet Pea Vanilla, baby.
-Man...

Just be more careful.

Look, I got a lot
riding on this.

Now, did you talk
to your penguin guy or not?

Oh, it's all set up.

We got tickets to the zoo,
duct tape, and a backpack.

Does this look like a glass?

Oh, honey, you're so handsome.

Here, check mine out.

Oh, my God, that is amazing.

I hate you so much.

Hey, I was thinking,
before climbing tomorrow,

maybe we could stop
by McDonald's,

climb the PlayPlace wall
as a warmup.

Show those losers
in the ball pit how it's done.

Uh, I can't tomorrow.
I have a song to work on.

And the manager was pretty clear

about us never coming back
to that McDonald's.

Hey, everybody...

Shut the damn door!

Shut your damn mouth.

The pub crawl is tomorrow,
and it's

costing me $200 an hour
to run these stupid freezers.

It's so cold in here,
I might have to put on a hat.

A hat, Randi.

Come on, babe,
it's gonna be great.

I don't need it to be great,
I need it to be perfect.

Corks and Orcs has George Takei.

I got... Darren.

Thank you.

Carter, are you, uh,

interested in someone
from Star Trek?

I've got an in.

-Really?
-Wait a minute,

is it a cat?

Maybe.

Is it William Cat-ner?

Yes.

(knock on door)

All right, I'm down.

You're not Max.

And you're not
my Kung Pao chicken.

Oh, cute little gingerbread men.

Ooh, not just men. Women, too.

Down with the
gingerbread patriarchy.

-What's going on with that one?
-Oh,

he's non-binary.
Uh, I mean, they are. Damn it.

-Anyway, Max isn't here.
-What?

We were just texting,
like, 20 minutes ago.

I asked how the song is going,

and he said, "Not great.
I need a few more hours."

So, I asked if he wanted me
to bring him some food,

but stupid autocorrect
changed it to "good."

So, then I sent, "No, good.

Good. Good. Duck." Here I am.

Okay, that was a ducking
journey to nowhere.

He's really not here?
That's so weird.

Wait, Find My Friends?

Max agreed to let you
track his phone?

Uh, I assume so.

He let me watch him
put in his password

over his shoulder, and then
he went and took a shower.

Aw, you really do love him.

Just the drinking thing
kind of freaked me out.

Oh, no.

What, is he at a bar?

Worse, the rock climbing gym.

Oh, hell yeah.

-What?
-My Kung Pao chicken.

Well...

well...

Give me a sec. (panting)

Well...

How did you know I was here?
I didn't tell anyone.

I followed the pungent scent
of your deceit.

Wait, have you been
tracking my phone?

One major relationship breach
of trust at a time.

What are you doing here
without me?

This is the one thing
keeping me sane,

and you're driving me
freaking crazy.

Hey, you're not getting away
form me that easily.

I have mastered the toe-smear
into a reverse bicycle.

(grunts) See? That right there.
Don't do that.

You're just putting random words
together you heard on YouTube.

Watch, everyone, I'm doing
a Cincinnati Moon Pie squeeze.

Hey, you know, I took up
rock climbing to support you.

Maybe if Gisele had shown
more of an interest in football,

she and Tom
would still be married.

Well, maybe Gisele did take
an interest in football,

then watched a bunch
of stupid YouTube videos

and acted like she knew
more about it than he did,

and then she tracked his phone.

Oh, maybe Gisele
had to track Tom's phone

because she isn't sure
he has a handle

on his somewhat complicated
relationship with alcohol.

Well, guess what,
being here by myself

really helps me with that.

And you know
what doesn't help me?

Kat to the Max!

Don't you climb away from me.

Oh, oh. Ah.

-Oh, no. Oh, oh.
-What're you doing?

I don't know, I think
I've made that pretty clear.

(screams)

(thud)

KAT:
What the hell are the ropes for?

Damn it,
it's 31 degrees in here.

We real close to melting.
Darren,

are you breathing again?

Yeah, but I got to...

I told you, slow and shallow,
like the girls you date.

Whoa, you saw that, too, right?

Or am I just lightheaded from
not being allowed to breathe?

It's the freezers.
They're pulling too much power.

Oh, this is all
your fault, Ice Carter.

I don't know why
you had such a stupid idea.

Look at that smile.
I can't stay mad at you.

-Oh, good, you're still here.
-Hey, I was just heading over.

-You like my new coat?
-Uh, it's fine.

-Now, let me in the café.
-Well, Kat said it was neat,

so now I think I hate it.

I don't care,
just unlock the door.

What the hell is with you?

You've been snapping at me
all week.

Because I am $10,000 in debt,

and Ice Carter is about to have
slush for brains.

Now, would you please
open the door,

so I can steal some power.

You can't plug into the café.

The wiring's so old, it's
segregated by color. (laughs)

Would you stop being sassy
and help me.

Don't talk to me like that.

And I can't help being sassy.

I'm third-generation bad bitch.

Calling me sassy.
You lost your damn mind.

I don't know if you
really hear prayers,

but if you do,
please help me, Santa.

(lisping): I'm sorry
I pulled you off the wall.

Don't worry about it.

Your face broke my fall.

You feeling okay?

A little sore.

Will you let me know
if I start drooling?

(chuckles) Yes.

Five minutes ago,
you started drooling.

Oh...

I'm sorry that I lied to you.

I should've just told you
that I needed some space.

Space? From me?

Inconceivable.

I'm sorry I snooped on you.

I just...

I'm worried about you drinking.

I haven't had a drink
in three weeks.

I know, and that's great.

And I...

guarantee you that I worry
about myself twice as much.

I don't know if I have
a drinking problem,

but I know my dad did.

What?

You don't notice it as a kid,

but looking back,

I mean, he was drunk
all the time.

Oh... Max.

I don't know if he left
or my mom kicked him out

or... (inhales sharply)

(exhales) Either way,
it wrecked my family.

That's awful.

I just don't want
to turn out like him.

You are not your dad.

Yeah, I hope not.

You're not.

Thank you.

I'm glad you told me.

Me, too.

But I am changing
my phone password

and finding a climbing gym that
you don't know anything about.

Reasonable. I overstepped.

I'm sorry.

Kiss?

Oh, I'm still drooling?

-Yeah, you never stopped.
-Oh...

-Come here.
-Oh.

(overlapping chatter)

It is like
a winter wonderland in here.

It's best to just nod and smile.

I've been doing that
her whole life.

Whoo!

Oh, wow. That looks fun.

And only $15!

-What is that?
-An ice luge.

You do shots out of it.

Good God, didn't you learn
anything in high school?

I was valedictorian.
I learned everything.

Darren, set me up.

I was a gold medalist

in ice luge at Margaritaville.

(laughs) Oh, my God.
George Takei.

What're you doing here?

Well, I'd stomached
as much nerd talk

as I could at Corks and Dorks.

(laughs)

I needed to cleanse my palate

with a good
old-fashioned gay bar.

What?

Dueling pianos, right?

Uh... (laughs) Okay.
Uh, yeah, come on in.

Sheila Silver.

George?

I almost didn't recognize you
with your pants on.

Uh... you two know each other?

Oh, we met at Leonard Nimoy's
bicentennial fondue party.

Oh.

So, uh, you've seen his phaser?

Yes, and it was set to stun.

Mr. Takei, I, uh-- huge fan.

Oh, my.

Merry Christmas to me.

(laughs)

I see you still
talk to yourself.

I talk to whomever I want to.

I'm George (bleep) Takei.

("Silent Night" playing)

♪ Silent... ♪

Hey. Thanks for coming down.

Mm-hmm.

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Guess I put the "ass"
in Christm-ass.

Just been so stressed
about money.

Why do you need
a fancy beer tap anyway?

Zac and I were texting,
and he said they're overrated.

Actually...

I bought something else.

Whoa.

What are you doing?

Miranda Elizabeth Hamilton...

Oh, my God, my government name.

You're the most

amazing person I've ever met.

You're brilliant,

kind, and damn,
you're beautiful.

I've love you since day one.

Aw, Carter.

Wait, day one of what?
Dating or when we first met?

What's the difference?

I mean, I'm on my knee,
and it's freezing out here.

Well, I didn't tell you to do it
outside in December.

Last week,
we were at Ruth's Chris.

You drop a roll on the floor,
you're on one knee,

boom, everybody cheers,
we get a free dessert.

I just wanted it
to be perfect, like you.

Oh, it is perfect.

Will you marry me?

Of course I'll marry you.

(laughs)

I love you.

I love you, too.

(chuckles)

But this better not be
my Christmas present.

-Yay! I'm so happy for you!
-Congratulations.

(laughter)

-Ugh, you can wear
my wedding dress.
-Oh.

-Mother.
-Oh, honey,

your mannish shoulders would
tear right through that lace.

Hey, check it out.

Not only did
I get you a penguin,

but I got you two penguins.
(laughs)

Uh-oh. Darren Jr.?

("Can't Believe It's Christmas"
playing)

♪ I can't believe
that it's Christmas ♪

♪ The best time
of the year, oh ♪

♪ I can't believe
that it's Christmas ♪

♪ And Santa will soon be here ♪

♪ I can't believe
that it's Christmas ♪

♪ The best time of the year ♪

♪ I can't believe
that it's Christmas ♪

♪ And Santa will soon be here. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org