Original subtitles

(TV playing faintly)

What are you doing?

I'm just really turned on by this movie.

Hidden Figures?

It's about ladies who do math for the space program.

I know. Say it again.

Oh.

All right, well,

the one lady just filled up the chalkboard

with all sorts of numbers and fraternity letters.

(chuckles)

Mmm. Are her mean male bosses impressed?

Yeah, and they're a little mad about it.

Yeah, they are.

-(phone ringing) -Mm. Terrible timing.

It must be my mother.

Yeah, she must have sensed I was happy.

Can't it wait an hour?

An hour?

I'm building in time to finish the movie.

Geez. (sighs)

Hello, Mother.

Katharine, I need you to go to the store

-to get me some batteries. -(steady beeping)

Why would you need batteries at 10:00 at night?

Actually, don't answer that.

Kat, the rocket's ready to launch.

(whispers): Both rockets.

I'm sorry, but my smoke detector is beeping,

and you know I can't drive myself.

(sighs) I suppose I could shoot it down

with your father's pistol.

I'll-I'll be right there.

Also, I need milk. You're a dear. Bye.

(groans)

Wait, you're really gonna go?

Yeah. She's losing her eyesight.

And when they took away her license,

I promised I would help her out.

Okay.

If you trust me alone with all these math ladies.

(scoffs) Very cute.

You know I'm the only math lady who can factor your polynomials.

-Yeah, factor me, baby. -(laughs)

Okay, I'll be back soon.

(door opens, closes)

What are polynomials?

-Hello. -Ah. What took you so long?

What did you do to your hair?

Did you drive here with your head out the window?

This is just my normal hair, Mother.

And before you ask, yes,

this is what I wore to the store.

Here's your milk and batteries.

Where's the smoke detector?

Oh, funny story.

It wasn't the smoke detector beeping.

It was the freezer.

-What? -The door was open.

I didn't even know it beeped.

My fault for not buying American.

Wonder where she put that gun.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me. ♪

Hey, y'all.

(imitating): Hey, y'all.

Sorry. We just spent five hours running errands with my mother,

and I think maybe Max has hit his limit.

An hour of looking at birthday cards for her friend Elaine,

who she-- and I quote-- "isn't a big fan of,"

and, "Shoulders back, Max. Somebody here might know me,"

end quote.

I haven't gotten a birthday card from my mother since I was 12.

It said, "My condolences, Steve."

I kept it. It means a lot to me.

Really? Your mom always sends me a birthday card.

I got a random one last week that just said,

"I'm proud of you."

PHIL: Oh, everybody be cool.

My crush is here. Quick.

Laugh like I said something funny.

(laughter)

Oh, Phil, jumbo shrimp. Which is it?!

(chuckles): Oh, hey, Jalen.

I didn't realize you walked in while I was amusing my friends.

-Hey, everyone. -Hi. -Hey.

Hi, I'm Max, nice to meet you.

Okay, enough of that.

Straight people, am I right?

Uh, I'm Kat. I'm straight, too, but I'm cool.

-Eh. -(chuckles)

I just wanted to drop by

and invite you all to my drag show tonight.

-Oh! -Got to show the boss I can put asses in seats,

especially cute asses.

All right, I'll be there.

I don't think he meant you.

Uh, okay.

(groans) Got to get back to court.

Trying a case, and it might be a hung jury,

but not the kind I like.

(laughs): Hung jury, that's funny.

Okay, tone it down there, Stretch.

Well, I hope to see you all tonight.

KAT AND RANDI: Bye.

Damn, Phil, a hot younger man who's also a lawyer?

My boyfriend farts in the car and locks the windows.

(laughs) Hot box.

(phone ringing)

-Oh. My mother. -No, don't answer it.

-Don't. -No, it could be something important.

Maybe she's calling to tell me she's proud of me.

It might be something important.

Hello.

I lost my sunglasses while we were out today.

I need you to find them.

M-Mother, I-I gave you my whole morning.

I have a life, too.

Attagirl. Put it out into the world,

and it will come true.

Please?

(sighs)

I suppose Max and I could retrace our steps later.

You're a dear, I really appreciate this.

Also, I need vodka. Not that cheap stuff you like.

Okay, bye.

I thought tonight was date night.

We were gonna watch Life of Pi.

It's about math.

(chuckles) It's not about math.

That's the boy's name.

I hate this day.

And then I said, "You can't put that in my mouth."

-Oh. -(laughter)

All right, baby, I don't want you to get jealous,

but gay guys got a queer eye for this straight guy.

What? That doesn't surprise me.

You have the looks of Michael B. Jordan

and the arms of Michelle Obama.

Hey, girl. (laughs)

Where'd you buy those boobs? I need to go shopping.

(laughs): Got her! They are big!

I'm so sorry, honey.

-You need to be this tall to ride the ride. -(laughs)

But you are the perfect height to service it.

Oh! Well, I do got the right tool for that job.

-(laughter) -All right, I'm next.

Now, remember, no jealousy.

Is it gonna be my hair, my body,

my impossible-to-nail-down age?

Oh, no, stop. I am so jealous.

Never in my 30 to 45 years have I been ignored like that.

(laughs)

(gasps) Hey, guys, here she is, Queen Dicktoria.

-(chuckles): Oh. -Uh-oh.

It looks like your queen has a lot of fans.

Or are they waving at you, Carter?

Oh, no, I'm just a groupie.

It's Elton John all over again.

"Tiny Dancer," that was me.

Hello, Mother, we found your sunglasses.

Oh, she must be asleep, let's go get our math movie on.

(whispers): I have to pee.

Pee in a bush.

It's the only reason I came in.

SHEILA: Katharine, is that you?

Yep.

Oh, I thought I heard you.

If you'd stuck with ballet,

you wouldn't have that plodding gait.

She has fat feet.

I have flat feet.

-Both can be true. -(Max chuckles)

-We found your sunglasses. -Oh.

Yeah. They were not at the doctor's office,

so we also checked the nail salon, the mall,

the blow-dry bar, and then I had Max drive,

which turned out to be a smart thing,

because do you know where I found your sunglasses?

Katharine, just land the plane.

Side pocket of the passenger door.

Did you try these on? They seem bent.

Max, let's go.

Yoga's at 7:00 tomorrow, be here by 6:30.

What? No. No. I cannot take you to yoga tomorrow.

Well, if it's too much trouble to help your mother,

I understand.

No, no, it's fine. I'll-I'll be here at 6:30.

Make it 6:15, you'll have to parallel park,

and I know you need a couple shots at that.

(Kat sighs)

Sheila, yeah, maybe you should try to find

another way to get to yoga.

I think Kat needs a break.

Oh, you heard her, she's fine.

I think she's just saying that

'cause she doesn't want to disappoint you.

(scoffs) Since when?

If she keeps having to drop everything to help you,

she's gonna crack.

You have no idea how much I hate depending on people.

Yeah, that's got to be so hard.

I can't even imag-- I'm sorry, I really got to pee.

(laughter)

I spent 15 minutes at the bar,

and the only person that talked to me said,

"Are you the guy who played Urkel?"

(imitating Urkel): I did not do that.

Baby, settle down, it's okay.

(regular voice): It's not okay.

I did 300 squats today.

I mean, I came in here dragging a wagon,

and not one person asked for a ride.

DAME BOOTY CLENCH (British accent): Our final act of the night

swings the biggest scepter in Tuckingham Palace.

Please welcome the spoiled royal,

Queen Dicktoria.

(applause, cheering)

Time to cheer along with my sister wives.

("Big Spender" playing)

♪ The minute you walked in the joint ♪

♪ I could see you were a man of distinction ♪

♪ A real big spender ♪

♪ You're good-looking, so refined ♪

♪ Say, wouldn't you like ♪

♪ To know what's going on in my mind? ♪

♪ So let me get right to the point ♪

♪ I don't pop my cork for every man I see ♪

-♪ Hey, big spender ♪ -♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Spend ♪

♪ A little time with me. ♪

Oh, that is so sweet.

Suck it, hoes, I'm her favorite.

Whoa, how late were y'all out last night?

I got in at 4:00.

Jalen's friends wanted to go to a club after.

-I'm gonna go lay down. -Wait, in my bed?

Don't worry, I'll keep my drawers on this time.

-Oh, no. -Oh.

-Hello, all. -Morning, Sheila.

If you're looking for Kat, she's, uh, at the zoo.

Yeah, yeah, she at the zoo.

So, she didn't just duck behind the counter when I came in?

No. No duck.

But you know where there are ducks?

At the zoo where she at.

Well, if you see her,

tell her that I'm not going to ask her

to do anything for me anymore.

-Hello, Mother. -Oh.

Why'd you say I was at the zoo?

I was just... I was just seeing

if the, uh, counter is still connected to the floor.

Breaking news, it is. (laughs)

Well, I have news, too.

I found something that's gonna make both of our lives easier.

Just land the plane, Mother.

I'm thinking of moving into an active senior community.

What?

It's called Valley Hills.

Imagine the Four Seasons meets Eyes Wide Shut

with dinner at 4:30.

Ooh, how old do you have to be to live there?

What-what, are you gonna sell the house?

I'd have to. I'm on a fixed income,

and my only daughter runs a business

that's increasingly difficult to explain.

It's the cats. Nobody gets the damn cats.

Everybody loves the cats!

Look, I-I know I complained about yesterday,

but I really don't mind helping you out.

But there's a lot of upsides to this.

They have a lovely spa, three restaurants,

and a complimentary shuttle that doesn't whine

if I want to stop at Pier 1.

You don't need more wind chimes.

Just, I can't believe you're gonna sell the house.

This is a lot to process right now.

Kat, we're out of conditioner.

Ooh, if I prepay the first year,

they'll throw in the premium liquor package.

(chuckles): Oh, Valley Hills.

I am about to wreck your bottom line.

You're not seriously considering that dump, are you?

I enjoyed the tour.

And I can get a room with a balcony,

if Mr. Murray's heart surgery doesn't go well.

You are not gonna like it there.

You're gonna end up in a room

next to some guy with an oxygen tank.

You'll nickname him Wheezy.

Then after one too many at Merlot Monday,

you'll be like, "Hey, Wheezy, let's spark up a doobie."

And then, boom.

Wheezy's toupee lights up like a menorah on the eighth night.

I'm not befriending anyone with a toupee,

but the rest of that story sounded fun.

Yeah, fine. Sell the house, move in there.

But when you realize that this was a huge mistake,

you are not coming to live with me.

Promise?

I-I'm serious.

I think this is a bad idea.

-You are gonna hate being with all those old people. -It's not your decision.

I'm doing it, and I don't really care if you approve.

-Fine. -Fine.

Huh. Look at that. A Pier 1.

(chuckles) Not gonna stop.

-When were y'all gonna tell me? -All right, all right.

Al Roker didn't write you that letter, I did.

I'm talking about my body.

I put on some pounds, let myself go.

Wait, you wrote that letter?

So he's not coming here to play pickleball with me?

What are you talking about, you put on pounds?

I love your body.

No, I'm doubling down, I love your body.

Wait, are you still mad that a room full of gay men

didn't sexually harass you?

It makes no sense.

My personality? Sparkling.

My hair? On point.

My eyes? You need a lifeguard or you'll drown in 'em.

Your vanity? Astounding. Your self-esteem? Misguided.

She doesn't see what I see.

Sorry, I overslept, and I can't find my drawers.

You go out again last night?

Jalen and I closed down a dueling piano bar.

It was like yours, but there were tons of people there.

Could've just said you went to a bar, man.

-(beeping) -What the hell?

My brownies!

Just so you know, I see you, too.

Oh, my poor brownies.

And how in the world did my drawers end up in the oven?

I know you like Jalen,

but you're gonna have to take a night off.

I can't. Jalen has a lot of men after him.

And if I'm not there, he'll be hounded

by that hussy Allen from LensCrafters.

Jalen will still like you

if he finds out your bedtime is 9:30.

9:30? Maybe if I did cocaine.

CARTER: Hey, Randi, is this sexy?

I want to take a picture for Phil's friends.

Chin up. Flex a little.

No.

I got you. I know your angles.

(high-pitched scream)

-(line rings, beeps) -Hey, it's Sheila.

Leave a message after the beep.

-And stay frosty. -(beeps)

Hello, Mother, this is Katharine.

This is message number seven.

Please listen to them in order.

When you start cleaning out my room,

do not throw away my Best at Algebra trophy

or my Most Improved Hall Monitor award.

Cost me three weeks' allowance to get those made.

Don't forget your homemade Grammy

for your "Tattling Gets a Bad Rap" rap.

(chuckles): Dad?

♪ It's not uncool to know the rules ♪

♪ To tell the teacher ♪

BOTH: ♪ On those fools. ♪

(laughs)

It's really good to see you, how are you doing?

Well, you know, not bad for being dead.

What's up with you, kiddo?

Oh, a lot.

I've got a boyfriend.

The café's doing really well.

Mom's selling the house

'cause I didn't want to take her to yoga.

I know.

You bought that house when you guys got married.

I grew up there.

It was a great house.

She says she wants to move into a retirement home.

Good news is, she'll get that room with a balcony.

I have inside information.

You've got to stop her, Dad.

Haunt the crap out of her.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you sure what you're upset about is the house?

Yeah, I don't want her selling it.

Plus, Mom doesn't belong in a place like that,

with all those old people.

Kat.

Your mother is getting older.

And if you tell her I said that,

I will haunt the crap out of you.

I just still see her as the young, vibrant woman

who packed cigarettes in my lunch so I could make friends.

(laughs) And then you turned her in to the principal

and gave yourself a citizenship award.

Just, those senior communities are

usually the last stop before...

Just, I don't even want to think about it.

It's possible you're not the only one

having a hard time with this.

Yeah. You're right.

Hey, you should be wearing a seat belt.

What's gonna happen?

(scoffs)

Are these your mother's sunglasses?

-Oh, son of a bitch. -Kat.

♪ When you hear a good friend cuss ♪

♪ The thing you got to do is make a fuss ♪

-(beatboxing) -♪ Tell the teacher 'cause that ain't cool ♪

♪ And get that cussing kid sent ♪

BOTH: ♪ Home from school. ♪

(laughing)

Oh, Dad. I really...

...miss you.

-Hi. -Oh.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you, uh, left your sunglasses in my car again.

I was leaving them for you.

Your big Charlie Brown head stretched them out.

What do we have here?

(chuckles): Oh, yep.

You really stole the spotlight at my bat mitzvah, didn't you?

You started rapping.

I had to show some skin to distract people.

(sighs)

Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

I got you this.

Oh, Katharine, that's so thoughtful.

(chiming)

Oh.

They're for your new place.

Thank you. (chuckles)

Is the receipt in the bag?

Look, if, if Valley Hills is what you want,

-I support you 100%. -(scoffs)

Of course it's not what I want.

I wanted to grow old here with my husband.

I wanted to have perfect vision.

I wanted to have many grandbabies.

I'm sorry things have not worked out the way you planned.

And you're right, I have not given you

any grandbabies yet,

but I have given you many grand-kittens.

Oh, Katharine, you always know the exact wrong thing to say.

Wherever you go,

whatever you need, I'll be here.

Thank you.

I know I don't tell you this enough,

but I raised a wonderful daughter.

You know, um,

Valley Hills is known for its robust theater program.

Maybe we could finally star in Gypsy.

Again, the exact wrong thing to say.

-Hey, everyone. -Hi.

-So glad you made it. -Hey.

-Oh, you look beautiful. -Aw.

I loved your song.

I've never seen anybody twerk to Sinatra before.

Well, you know, "I did it my way."

(laughter)

Phil, I need to talk to you.

Oh, is that bitch Allen from LensCrafters here?

-You've seen his overbite, haven't you? -(chuckles)

Listen, I got to be honest.

Going out every night is killing me.

What?

I know you're kind of a party animal.

(laughs): Well, true dat, as you kids say.

And Queen Dicktoria is, too,

but, well, Jalen is more of a homebody.

His idea of a good time is an Aperol Spritz

and a couple episodes of Love Island.

(sighs) Fake tans, real drama?

Sign me up.

Thank you for understanding.

Please, I'd be happy doing anything with you.

Me, too.

(giggles softly)

Oh, girl, save some Botox for the rest of us.

I'm actually laughing.

You just can't tell because my eyebrows don't move.

(laughs) Oh, and who's this handsome devil?

Me? I'm handsome?

Is that your usual haircut or are you just happy to see me?

Aw, Dame Booty Clench,

you just made a young-to-middle-aged man's

dream come true.

And this one.

Oh, whatever you're gonna say, my mother's beat you to it.

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I'm gon' do what I want ♪

♪ Do the crime, don't get caught ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm breaking all the rules today ♪

♪ Don't try so hard ♪

♪ Do what I feel, they ain't stoppin' me ♪

♪ Can you keep up with me? ♪

♪ Can you keep up with me? ♪

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