All language subtitles for Landman.S02E01.1080p.10bit.WEBRip.6CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

Oil and gas industry

makes $3 billion dollars a day
in pure profit,

but before any
of that money is made,

you got to secure the rights
and lock up the service.

You don't fuck with our product,
we don't fuck

with yours.

Oh, goody, my day begins.

I need this problem
to go away, Tommy.

I wouldn't want
to have your job this week.

Shit, you wouldn't want to have
my job any week.

I learned all I need
about geology.

I don't want to teach the shit,
I want to be a landman.

Where's the rest of your crew?

Cooper got hurt.

Why aren't you with him?

Always got to make it about you.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Who's the best litigation firm
in Midland?

First one to hire
Shepherd-Hastings wins.

You're the attorney.

I'm that easy to spot, huh?

Wasn't difficult.

Should I be there?

You're their mother,

so if you feel
like you ought to be here,

you probably should come.

Surprise.

Your sister's following in your
footsteps. She's going to Tech.

I'm sure all the sororities
are beside themselves with joy.

Elvio did a very good job

- of describing you.
- You're Ariana.

I didn't plan on meeting
my crew member's widow

and fucking falling in love.

Take me to a hospital.

If you need something,

then you call my cell, not his.

I'm making you
vice president of operations.

You owe me a lot of money.

We're the last bear
you want to poke, bud.

The world is a better place
if we are friends.

This fucking job.

NYMEX is up
two and a half percent to 76.23,

while Brent Crude
is teasing 79 this morning.

Natural gas is up to 4.28

and heating oil at 2.22.

Corn is down at 448.25,

while wheat is up a quarter...

No breakfast?

I'm not much
of a breakfast eater.

Most important meal of the day.

You think so?

Well, that's what they say.

- Who's "they"?
- I don't know.

Whoever says these things.

I'll tell you who "they" is.

It's Kellogg's and General Mills

and whoever makes them shitty
little frozen round waffles.

That's who it is.

Eggo, I think.

Eggo. Exactly.

Which is owned by Kellogg's.

The people that tell us
that breakfast

is the most important meal
of the day

are the sons of bitches
that make the stuff.

You think our ancestors
had breakfast?

You think cavemen sat around
a fucking fire, eating waffles?

No.

I guarantee you.

I mean, if they ate
breakfast at all,

it was probably bone marrow

and an impala
they dried out over a fire.

But I guarantee you
they didn't have cornflakes.

You sure you want more coffee?

Y'all sell cigarettes?

Not since the '90s.

You don't have
any secret stash back there

for emergencies or...?

If they do, they don't tell me.

Well, I tell you what.

See if there's a busboy
back there

that might want to go
on a scavenger hunt.

'Cause I guarantee you,
that shit right there

ain't gonna get me
through a Monday.

There you go.
Anything but menthol

or those little skinny ones.

Mm, it's early.

Long drive.

- Big day.
- Yeah?

- What makes it big?
- I'll tell you if I'm right.

Tell me anyway.

I'll tell you if I'm right.

Cooper.

That's not the way
this is supposed to work.

There's
a change in control clause

in our contract.

There's been
no change in control.

Well, he's fucking dead, Tommy.

And now his wife
runs the company.

That's the very definition
of "change in control."

I run the company.

She owns it,
and she owned it before.

She's listed in the partnership.

That's her fucking signature
next to his on your contract.

I was promoted from senior
vice president to president

by the same ownership
that you signed with.

That's the chain of progression,
not a change in control.

But if you want
to fight about it,

lawyer up, big boy. Let's go.

Tommy, goddamn it,

it's a half-billion-dollar
field,

and I had these garbage terms
crammed down my throat by Monty.

And I could eat those terms
with Monty

'cause I knew he would deliver.

But now what?

I'm supposed to sit
on this shit paper

and let his trophy wife
try to pull permits

from the fucking
railroad commission?

You think Monty ever pulled
a fucking permit in his life?

Every dime
you ever made with Monty,

I pumped it out of the ground.

And that don't change.

I'm 17 wells in
on the workovers.

I'm cleared to drill six on
the new field next fucking week.

You want me to send everybody
home while you try to weasel

a renegotiation out
of my best friend's wife?

Knock yourself out.

I'll shut the whole
fucking thing down tomorrow.

Where you want me to send
the $110 million dollar bill?

Goddamn.

You have no play except
to trust me or buy 'em back.

Oh, you're gonna sell me
my own leases now?

They ain't your fucking leases,
Danny.

They're mine till I recoup,
plus a hundred.

Just read the fucking contract.

You might be worse than Monty.

You say that
like it's a bad thing.

Monty made you plenty rich,

and I'm gonna make you richer.

Y'all want a drink?

Oh, I'm good, babe. Thank you.

Whiskey double.

Preference on whiskey?

I couldn't care less, honey.

Just relax and trust me.

Oh, are we trusting
each other now?

Well, if making money's
the goal, we'd better.

Tommy.

This a little bit below
your pay grade, Bob?

Well, M-TEX holds
three billion in leases.

I don't think
that's below anyone's pay grade.

What are you gonna do with the,
uh, gas fields in Kilgore?

Oh, that's pretty far down
my list.

East Texas ain't my game.

It's not a question
of "if there's gas."

Oh, I know. The fields are good.

I just don't want
to go out there.

The mosquitoes are so big, they
can fuck a turkey flat-footed.

Well, we can spare you
the trouble.

I'll give you 300 for 'em.

Well, they're worth six
at least.

Five, maybe,

if they were producing.

You just said they'll produce.

Well, "will" is the key word.

You got to drill 'em first,

and you just said
you don't want to.

I spent most of my life
doing shit I don't want to do.

Three-fifty.

What is this, a fucking test?

I know what they're worth.

Four hundred and they're yours.

I'll have a contract drafted
and to you in three days.

- Buy bug spray.
- All right.

Uh, a-anything else you're,
uh, looking to unload?

I got some leases over
in Louisiana I can do without.

You got geothermals,
permits, surface locked up?

Bundled, ready to go.

- Email it over.
- I'll do it

- first thing.
- All right. Everyone's

real curious
what she has to say.

I'm pretty curious myself.

I'm assuming you know
the sharks are circling.

Yeah, and they leave
a pretty big wake.

Monty was a gambler

who thrived on his intuition.

That can't be replicated.

Can't be taught.

We're in a boom.

She should sell,
pay capital gains.

She'd still be a billionaire.

I don't disagree with you.

Rooms don't come tougher.

If she doesn't win it,

banks start calling notes.

Thing's worth ten cents
on the dollar.

Yeah, well, she's tougher
than you think she is.

- She'd better be.
- Well...

Talk later.

All right.

Goddamn it.

Where's Tulum?

Oh, who cares?

He had me at "Four Seasons."

He wants to leave tonight?

Oh, he wants to leave now.

As soon as this luncheon's over.

Um, okay.

This'll work.

You trust him?

To do what?

I don't know.

- I mean...
- Uh, he's 62 years old.

If he tries something
I won't do,

I'll kick the shit out of him.

But I doubt he'll come up
with something I won't try.

- Oh.
- That man

is gonna get
the blow job of his life.

On the flight.

And I'm coming home
with a condo in Dallas

and a Bentley Continental.

What?

Oh,
the divorced doctor convention

- is one hotel over.
- That way.

It's a young woman's game here.

No offense.

I'm still offended.

Hmm. Well,

that's life in the Serengeti.

Thank you.

I needed this.

You know what you're saying?

I wrote a speech,

but I'm not sure
that's what I'm gonna say.

Well, you'd better
figure it out fast.

It's your luncheon.

We have a half billion dollars
in debt service,

and the president of every bank
holding that paper,

they're in that room

and they're looking
for any excuse to pull it.

We have $700 million dollars'
worth of leases and loan-outs

that Monty's death
effectively nullified.

So you better convince them

that you're strong,
that you're tough,

that you don't take any shit.

Not going bankrupt
is your motivation.

Well, that's where men
and women differ, Tommy.

Fear alone doesn't motivate us.

We need something else.

Well, you better find it.

I've recently heard this room
referred to as the Serengeti.

Many of you are hunters.

You satiate
your primal need for conquest

by playing the only game
in existence

where the other team
doesn't know it's playing.

My husband never hunted.

He saw no need.

The Permian was his savanna,

and you were his sport.

I called this luncheon

so I could introduce myself
to each of you...

to squash the rumors

and offer you a warning.

I'm a hunter, too.

And like my husband,

I don't use a rifle.

We are entering the largest
energy boom of this century.

For those of you
coasting on your royalties,

I must point out...

that while you sunburn
on the beach in Tulum,

I will be underbidding
your lease offers,

cornering pipeline supplies,

and buying your bad debt.

Underestimating me
is how I buy you out.

Now, I have no speech

on the futures of energy

or my commitment to innovative
approaches on drilling

or philanthropy
or any of that other bullshit

you guys like to spew
at these things.

I'm the largest independent
oil producer in the region.

The only difference
between me and Monty

is I'm meaner.

Test me
and you'll find out how much.

Enjoy your lunch.

I paid for it
with your fucking money.

Strong enough for you?

What motivated that?

Canceling that little bitch's
vacation.

What's our depth?

Fifty-eight hundred.

- Should be in it.
- You'll know

we're in it when that
pressure valve starts singing.

Hey, you're in it!

Back it off, back it off!

- Numbers, numbers.
- I'll get 'em.

Come on, give me
the fucking numbers!

Cooper, goddamn it, boy.

Let me shut this down
and start circulating,

unless you want it spilling out
all over the fucking ground.

I'd say buy a lottery ticket,
but you don't need one.

What's our gas kicking at?

How's 6,200 units sound?

Oh, shit.

Ariana!

Ar... Shit.

Ariana!

Ay.

Este pinche gringo está loco.

- Ariana.
- You forget

- I got a baby?
- I got

to show you something.

Hey, Marty! Where we at?!

We're running
these chokes wide open.

This bitch is flowing.

Oh. Excuse me, ma'am.

A lot of sand
and water right now,

but the oil ratio's high.

Real high.

Over 20%, and it's rising fast.

Just... ain't a lot of shit
in this one.

Sorry, ma'am.

I did it again.

Oh, I'm used to it
and guilty of it,

so no apology necessary.

Well, that's a pretty big smile.

I got a pretty big reason.

Elvio never used to
get this excited about drilling.

He never owned the well.

This is ours.

It's ours. It's-it's gonna pay
for itself in two months.

Then it pays us.

- Congratulations, kid.
- Thank you.

Well, I'm proud of you, mi amor.

I don't think she understands.

No, she don't.

Hey, when we level off,

- where you think we'll be at?
- I mean,

it's hard to say,
but be conservative, 500.

500 barrels a day

every day
for the next two years,

before we even put a pump on it.

Is that a lot?

Well, oil opened at 78.23.

Times five, that's...

39,000 and change a day,
every day.

75% of that's ours.

That's, uh, 29,000 a day,

880,000 a month.

$10 million dollars a year.

And it's ours.

And, hey, look at that.

- See that?
- Yeah.

That's the next one.

So...

this is the dream?

This is the dream.

You did it.

I did it for you.

Football player.

You think?

Spot 'em from a mile away.

God bless gray sweatpants.

It's like a present
wrapped in cellophane.

You know exactly what
the hell you're getting.

Look at this big old
Horned Frog.

I think it's actually a toad.

It's a horny toad.

It's actually a lizard, baby.

If the admission counselor asks,

that's one of the tricky things
she'll throw at you.

Well, why do they call them
frogs

if they're actually lizards?

I don't know, baby.

I mean, why do they call
a buffalo a bison?

What's a bison?

It's a buffalo.

Except it's not a buffalo,
it's a bison.

You don't think she's gonna
ask me about buffalo, do you?

I don't know, baby.

I mean, it's Colorado's mascot,

and every mascot from the Big 12
could be on the table.

Okay, well, I'll tell her
I'm not majoring in zoology,

so I haven't really studied
the mascots.

Good thinking, baby.

29 on your ACT.

That test was hard.

I was relieved
to do so good on it.

I wouldn't say "good."
I would say "acceptable."

Oh, I thought it was good.

It's fine.

- Top 10% of your class at Aledo?
- Mm.

And that's a big school.

Graduating from Aledo in May?

Uh, no, I'm studying abroad now.

- Europe?
- Midland.

Ah.

And what precipitated such a...

life-altering move?

"Precipitated"?

- Yes.
- Uh,

it hasn't rained
since I moved there.

Why did you move there?

Uh, my parents
got back together,

and my father lives there.

Mm-hmm. Oil business?

Yes, ma'am.

No interest in Tech?

Well, I was accepted to Tech,

but I just feel
I need a fresh start.

Seems like you've been given
priority walk-on status

with the cheerleading corps.

Were you going to cheer
for Tech?

Well, I was just going there
for my boyfriend,

who scored a 17 on his ACT,

so off to junior college for him
in Kilgore.

And my daddy
won't let me go east of I-35

unless it's to shop in Dallas.

Not that I would go
to junior college for a boy.

If he was playing at a
junior college in the Maldives,

- I wouldn't go.
- None of that

is what I asked you.

I asked why you weren't cheering
for Tech

but you are cheering for TCU.

TCU doesn't have a policy

against cheerleaders
dating athletes.

And that was an issue for you?

Very much.

Uh-huh.

Would you like me to explain
my position on the subject?

I would be fascinated to hear
your position on the subject.

Well, it seems detrimental
to, really, humanity in general

that a university would try
to keep the prettiest girls

from dating the tallest,
most athletic boys

who could then get married
and make babies

that are, like, really,
really pretty and athletic.

Like, even more athletic
than their parents.

It's like if you breed
a Lab to a sheepdog,

you have...

Well, I don't know
what you have,

but you don't have a Lab

and you don't have a sheepdog.

But if you take two really,
really good-looking Labs,

like from the Wildrose kennel
at the Dallas Gun Club,

then the puppies will be,
like, super retrievers.

And I just think

that we're wasting
a real opportunity

with these restrictive policies.

I'm sorry.

I'm really, really nervous,
and...

and I feel like this interview
is getting away from me here.

I really want to go here.

And I already ordered
my uniform.

And the training sweats
and the cover-up.

But not the white ones.

It's the purple ones

with, like, the cute little
Horned Frog in white

above the pocket.

Which isn't a frog at all.
It's a lizard.

Could I have a tissue?

Thank you.

Hybrid vigor.

What did you call me?

When two different breeds
of a species procreate,

the offspring possesses
the strongest traits

from both breeds.

Shattering your argument
for the baby factory

of quarterbacks
and cheerleaders,

which is easily the most
offensive and elitist statement

ever uttered in this office.

So offensive, Ainsley,
I am finding it difficult

to fully articulate my shock
and utter disgust.

That doesn't sound good.

It's not good.

If it were in my power

to deny you acceptance
to this university,

I would do it with an enthusiasm

professors in our psychology
department might wish to study.

However,

as a priority walk-on,

you must only meet
the minimum requirements,

which, sadly, you do,
to gain acceptance.

Your application does not go
before the admissions board,

where I would have taken
great joy

expounding on all the ways
you are an abysmal candidate

for this university.

You're using a lot of words
I don't fully understand.

I'm doing it on purpose.

Okay.

Now that you have satisfied
your in-person interview, your

acceptance letter will be mailed
in the next seven to ten days.

You must register
for freshman orienta...

Wait, I got in?
I got in?

- And it has a stereo function.
- Oh, my God!

- What are you doing?
- I'm a hugger.

- Let's not... hug.
- Oh, my God!

Now I smell like

the beach and gardenias.

It's Hermès.
They sell it at Neiman's.

But don't buy it.

I'm gonna bring you some
on Teacher Appreciation Day.

I know you're not a teacher,

but I'm gonna
bring you some anyways.

Thank you, Gretel.

Greta. Like it says on the door

and on the plaque
right in front of you.

It does say that.

That's a good gift, too.
Not for you.

You already have one.

Thank you, Greta.

I got in!

Oh, of course you did, baby.

That interview was tough.

Oh, my little dove.

Honey, never doubt yourself
about anything.

Even the things you have
no chance of accomplishing.

Whether I bake a pie

or I get someone
to bake a pie for me,

I've got pie either way.
You understand?

I think so.

Make what you can make in life

and have others make the rest.

That's the key to life, baby.

Can't wait to be wise as you.

The day is coming, baby doll.
The day is coming.

Went well, I think.

And now comes the real tests.

And when they call,
and they will call,

don't even listen to the pitch.

Tell them to call me.

And then,
when they start selling,

just interrupt them.

Say, "Let me stop you
right there. Call Tommy."

Well, I'm not gonna
learn anything

if I keep deferring to you.

Monty burned
a lot of people, Cami.

He wasn't dishonest,
but he was ruthless.

Now, the whole world's gonna be
gunning for you.

All the bad deals
are coming your way,

and the good ones
will come to me.

That's my son. Do you care?

Hey, bud.
Is everything all right?

Hey, I need to see you.

What happened?

Something good.

For God's sake, please
don't tell me she's pregnant.

Not that I know of.

Well, son, that's one

of those kind of things
I'd rather you be certain about.

She's not pregnant.

Well, good.

I need to talk about business.

Well, I'm flying back
from Fort Worth right now.

Just come over to the house.

Dad, that involves having dinner
with my mother and...

Cooper, just come
to the damn house.

I'll be there
in an hour, all right?

I swear, if I told that boy
the sun was shining,

he'd argue that it was the moon.

Gee, I wonder
where he got that from.

You did real good today, Cami.
Monty'd be proud.

We got AgTrust on Friday.
Don't forget.

Thank you, Tommy.

- I'm a Horned Frog.
- Well, I'll be dogged.

Look at our little horny toad.

Well, congratulations, baby.

- Thank you.
- Good job.

I'm glad you passed up that
public school in-state tuition.

Be proud.

I am proud,

but I was already proud
when it was half the price.

- We got everyone?
- Yeah, we're good to go, bud.

When are you headed back?

Friday.

I'm coming with you.

Do y'all want any snacks?

No, baby, we're good.

I need to hire a Realtor.

- There's pistachios.
- No, thank you.

We're good.
What do we need a Realtor for?

Do you really think
I'm gonna stay in Midland

while our daughter's at college
all alone in some strange city?

Strange city? Hell, honey,
she was raised here.

I'm sorry.
You're under the impression

that we're having
a discussion about this.

I will live by my baby.

All right,
hire a goddamn Realtor.

Is it too much to ask that
you don't bankrupt me again

with some fucking mansion

that we can't afford
and don't need?

I didn't bankrupt you
the first time, number one.

Number two...

you are president
of an oil company.

It's time you start
living like it.

We're on a fucking Gulfstream.

- I am living it.
- Yeah, I mean, we're flying back

to our fucking frat house
in Midland.

Do I have to wear a seat belt?

Yes, baby, you have
to wear a seat belt.

Mm-mm. All that shit stopped the
minute she got accepted to TCU.

Yeah, in four years
she'll graduate.

She'll get married
and move away.

Next thing you know,
I'm a grandmother

with tits hanging down
to her stomach.

And I'm all alone
'cause all you do is work.

I'm definitely gonna have
to start drinking again.

Time for supper.

Ain't set yet.

Well, dinner's at 6:30, T.L.

I know what time supper is.

It had already set
this time yesterday.

Two things you'll find
interesting, Denise.

Until the 21st of June,

the sun's gonna set
a little later every day.

I could explain to you why,

but I doubt you'd understand.

The other thing
that's interesting is

I'm in control of none of it.

The sun sets when it sets,

and I'm gonna sit here
and fucking watch it.

Okay.

T.L., I need you
to remain in your seat

if you are going to be outside.

Well, then I guess you'd better
call the sheriff, Denise.

T.L. T.L.

Thomas, I need you to sit down.
I don't want to tell you again.

You're ruining it.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, whenever you're ready,
T.L., your chariot awaits.

No rush.

I'm ready.

So...

we got a call
from Memory Care in Amarillo.

Dorothy passed, T.L.

She, uh,
she took her afternoon nap,

just didn't wake up.

I recommend you find
a way to die quick, Hank.

This dying a little bit
every day is...

I'm real sorry.

She's in a better place.

I'm sure you'll see her again.

If I do, that means
I'm in hell, too.

- Hi, baby. Aw.
- Hi, Mom.

Oof. Baby.

You have got to take a shower.

I took a shower this morning.

That was nine hours ago.

Deodorant, baby.

I mean, how's your little
señorita put up with that?

I don't think that's appropriate
at all to say.

What? Señorita?

That is Spanish
for "young woman," Nate.

Is she not a young woman?

Uh, that is an accurate
description, yes,

but there is a hint

of cultural appropriation
when one is not of that culture.

Nothing like having

in-house counsel
in the fucking house.

You're on the wrong side
of the calendar

for that conversation.
Follow me?

- I am getting that, yes.
- Yeah.

I swear to God,
her cycle is reversed.

Every 28 days, she's normal.

I heard that.

Yes!

Isn't it cute?

Oh! You look great.

- Do you like my outfit?
- Ainsley, you look

- real cute, honey.
- What happened to Tech?

She's our little horny toad now.

Truer words.

You somehow got uglier.

Did you swallow a soup can?

Oh, that's your Adam's apple.

Isn't it cute how they tease?

Oh, yes, ma'am. It's adorable.

Pretty sure they aren't teasing.

Oh, no, they fucking
hate each other.

Dinner is a little rushed,

but I did go by Central Market,
and they had...

Are you ready for this?

White truffles.

Can you believe that?

Is that, uh, like the chocolate?

No, not a chocolate.
It's like a...

a root or a fungus or something.

It's a mushroom
that grows underground,

and you have to hunt it
with dogs.

That's what
we're having for dinner?

Well, we're having cacio e pepe,

which is a pasta
with black pepper,

Parmesan Reggiano,

and shaved white truffle.

No sauce?

Well, not a sauce in-in
the way that you're thinking,

but the melted butter

- emulsify...
- I can't have butter, Mama.

- You can have a little butter.
- I'm literally in training.

You've been a cheerleader
for six hours.

You can have some butter.

I'm not even
supposed to have carbs.

You can work it off
in the morning.

You ever noticed, the closer
she gets to her period,

the more complicated
the dinner dishes become?

Till you just pointed it out.

I swear to God, if aliens
came down here and rounded us up

and put us in zoos,
those little fucking spacemen

could watch this shit for hours.

Like we watch gorillas eat fruit

and pick their asses
and swing around on shit.

They could watch women
argue all fucking day.

Excuse me. I mean,
I'm right here listening to you.

Here's what we're not doing.
Any of this shit. Okay?

Our baby is going to college.
All right?

And we are going to toast her

and eat exactly
what I put in front of you.

Those little aliens
won't need a zoo

to see the tantrum
I'm about to throw

'cause they'll see it
from fucking space.

Everyone got me? Cacio e pepe.

Not spaghetti, Dale.

With shaved white truffle
on top.

At 2,800 fucking dollars,
the truffle is not optional.

You're shitting me.
For a mushroom?

- Thank you.
- There you go.

Ooh. Mm-hmm.

- There we go.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, give me about $600 worth.
- Mm-hmm.

What about mine?

Well, none for the babies 'cause
your palates are too sensitive.

When you're older, baby.
Care to bless it?

Sure, I'd be happy to, honey.

Oh, God. It's wet.

Dear Lord.

Please. I beg you,

uh...

to grant us patience.

And that's about it. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Mix it together, Dale,

so the truffle emulsifies
with the sauce.

You said there was no sauce.

I said it's not
a traditional sauce.

Understood. Mixing.

I was thinking of using
Stephen Rich.

What do you think?

The real estate broker?

We're buying a house
in Fort Worth.

Thank you, Jesus.

Honey, Stephen does ranches.

If he can find a ranch,

he can find a five-bedroom house
in Mira Vista.

What the hell do we need
with five bedrooms?

What about when
Cooper and Ainsley

come home for the holidays?

And Cooper has
his little baby now.

Not my baby.

Well, I doubt you're leaving
the fucking thing at home,

so it needs a room.

And what about when Ainsley
has children?

I mean, doing the math,

I don't think
five bedrooms is enough.

Honey, I don't think
home purchases

should be committed to during
the current arc of your cycle.

What are you saying, honey?

That I'm incapable of making
decisions when I'm on my period?

While millions of years
of evolution have played out

in the perfect cleansing
of my womb

in preparation for your
Neanderthal sperm...

- There we go.
- That I somehow lose

the ability to think clearly

during the week
of this miracle unfolding?

Huh? That I'm somehow
so mentally compromised?

- I never said that.
- What do you think I'll do, huh?

You mean something crazy?

Like take your plate away

and throw it against
the fucking wall?

- You can have my plate.
- Oh, can I?

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you, Tommy.

That is so...

- Something like this?
- Oh!

Huh?

- Honey.
- Like that?

Remember the tantrum
I fucking promised you?

Well, here it is.

God.
I'll call you tomorrow, Dad.

Okay, sounds good, son.

Bye, Mom.

This is going to sound
really inappropriate,

but with you sweating
like that...

before you kill me,

I just want to say
your tits look great

in that little tiny bra.

Oh...

I just thought I'd let you know.

How you manage to say
the only thing...

that could possibly save you.

It's a gift.

Mm-hmm.

Well...

it's quite the mess to clean up.

You say that like
I'm the one fucking cleaning it.

A $2,800 mushroom. Wow.

It's not a mushroom.

It's a delicacy.

And I was so close
to tasting it.

I got another one you can taste

after you clean
all this shit up.

Honey, why don't we just
skip the crazy

and go right to the sex

we both know we're gonna have
after the crazy?

Where's the fun in that?

Well, then it's just
all fun. See?

We just do the fun part.

Here's something to stuff
in your pipe and smoke

when you have some free time.

See, you think the pattern

is my hormones going wonky
before my period,

which causes me
to act irrationally.

Yes, I have noticed
that pattern. Mm.

I can't control my hormones,

but you can control
pointing them out to me.

You ever ponder that,
Mr. Oil President?

Well, that's a fresh perspective
I had not considered.

So...

it's my fault when you start
throwing shit against the wall.

Every...

mmm...

single...

time.

And then he answers
his fucking phone.

Ow. Hello?

Okay.

Yeah.

By all means,
take your fucking time.

No, I'll call him
in the morning.

All right. All right. Thank you.

You don't ever answer the phone
when I'm kissing you.

Somebody better have died.

Yeah, somebody did.

Baby.

Who died?

My mother.