Original subtitles

That says it all!

Welcome to the King commands.

In this program I have gathered five of Norway's finest comedians

to give them more or less meaningless tasks

which they have to solve to the best, or worst, of their abilities.

To make sure the rules are followed, meters are measured and seconds are counted

I am aided by my assistant Olli Wermskog.

Thank you very much for that.

You join as a clerk and my right hand,

so that I can focus on being an absolute judge.

- Absolutely. - That's the goal.

But we must introduce our five participants,

who will fight this fall to be the the best when the King commands.

Welcome Vegard Ylvisåker!

Maria Stavang!

Bård Ylvisåker!

Siri Kristiansen!

And Calle Hellevang-Larsen!

One of these five will eventually go home with the grand prize.

The grand prize is nothing less than a bust in gold.

Of me.

Olli, how do you win this one? - It's quite simple:

By being the one with the most points at the end of the series.

You have all the power in here. You are the king, you command.

We'll start with the first task.

In each program I ask the guests to bring an item with them

which should be placed in today's prize pot.

The participant with the most points at the end of the program

goes home with the whole prize pot.

You donate personal items to the pot.

It varies what I ask you to include.

The others lose their stuff forever?

Yes, you've donated it, you never get it back.

Today's task is simple, but still a bit difficult:

Bring something you've borrowed, but never returned.

Should we start with Bård?

- Shall I reveal it? - Yes.

It was...

What I have brought, as many may see, are party lasers.

They fire the most amazing pattern.

But they are not mine. They belong to Nils and Ronny.

- Nils and Ronny? The program creators? - TV personalities at NRK.

This is genuinely uncomfortable for me.

- Why do you have them? - I borrowed them several years ago.

We were at a corporate party, and they were very nice.

Never talked to them since.

Time has passed, and now it's too embarrassing.

They probably see the program, and then everything gets worse.

I have to win today.

- Maria, let's see what you've got. - Of course.

I have a book I borrowed from a colleague at Bergen trotting park.

She never asked for it back.

I did not dare to give it to her at work.

It was strange to say: "Thanks for it, it was nice."

- Did you read it? - I read the first hundred pages.

You say you're young, but you're reading literature for 55-year-olds?

I also live as a 55-year-old.

Okay, that's fine. I'm not getting any deeper into this subject.

We'll leave it at that.

Siri, what did you bring to the pot?

I have to get it from back here, it's so big.

- Exciting! - I have with me, well...

A chicken wire deer head, made by a Spanish artist.

This is the most expensive thing in my home.

- That's expensive? - SUPER expensive!

I borrowed it when I was supposed to have a 4 star dinner.

I wanted to appear as the sort of person who has art.

- It was part of the 4-star dinner? - Yes.

I couldn't give it back, because I was so fond of it.

So you put it in the pot?

I don't mind if the others get it.

Calle, what did you bring to the pot?

I brought something I borrowed six years ago by a friend.

A pair of underpants.

I borrowed it from...

There is a small hole here.

I borrowed it from a bloke called Vegard Ylvisåker.

- Really? - Yes.

I borrowed it in 2013 during a recording at work.

- We were sneaking into "Farmen". - Oh yes.

You had two shifts for some reason.

In case you wet your underpants twice.

Now it's even more fun for Siri to bring it there.

It'd be sad if the deer lost to some underpants.

Which both of them have used.

Vegard, you got something?

You have borrowed a door handle you haven't returned?

Yes. Which is painful... It is the pain that counts here.

This is from a store called gamletrehus.no.

I was going to renovate the house two years ago.

I needed a door handle, and did not know if it fit.

I asked about it, and he said, "You can borrow it."

I asked if I should pay anything.

Then he said, "No, I've run this place for 20 years, no one has fooled me yet."

Then you've heard all five. Have you come up with anything?

Yes, the underpants must end up in last place, Calle.

- What?! - Sorry.

- It's six years ago! - It has been a long time,

but it's a pair of underpants. And that's his underpants.

- Maria. - I saw it coming.

Yes, are you happy to be in second to last place?

I thought I would come in last place.

The laser ends up in the middle. It is painful, but not spectacular.

Then you haven't seen it.

So now it's between the door handle and the deer head.

I think the door handle wins, because it's such a bad story overall.

The deer head takes second place.

Five points for Vegard.

Then the first points are awarded, the first task is over.

Let's take a look at the score board.

It looks like this. Vegard is at the top, at the bottom is Calle.

The participants have completed tasks that I have given them.

The tasks are not done here.

They are done somewhere else, more specifically in my house

in my garage and in my garden.

That's where they went about it. I stayed far away.

It is important to know that none of them have been in the house at the same time

or seen each other's attempts.

You're probably excited to see how they have solved it.

- Yes, very. - Then let's get to it.

A bundle of rope and a sealed letter to me.

"Get as much string as you can from the roll in one minute."

"The task starts ten minutes from now."

I don't need ten minutes. Ten minutes is for idiots.

What?

Do we have gasoline?

To make it clear:The task is to get as much thread as possible from the thread roll.

They have ten minutes to prepare, and one minute to get the most off it.

It must be noted that they can use all kinds of tools

they find in my house or garage, which is well stocked.

- And the garden, by the way. - You have a richly filled garage.

- No car though. - No. The boat's in the garage.

- Are you ready? - I'm more than ready. Get started.

Let's start with Siri, Calle and Vegard.

It is important not to be over-ambitious.

Which burns best out of lighter fluid and red liqueur?

Let's not make this any harder than it needs to be.

There.

I'm making it as flammable as possible.

If something doesn't work, I'll just try with more of something else.

- You have a minute and a half. - Then I don't have time to fix it.

There must be something else.

A wrench, yes.

I'm making a cocktail inside here. I have no idea if it's safe.

Can you help me, Olli?

Now they are fine.

That is a long seat!

Will it go?

Just.

Tighten this one here.

Five, four ...

- You have to stand on it. - Three, two, one, there!

Ready Set Go!

It burns.

- Go! - Oh really!

Half a minute.

And then it got stuck. Exciting.

Yes, it doesn't get more exciting than if you do it yourself.

- It's been half a minute. - No! It was supposed to explode!

It does not help that it is in eighteenth gear.

- "Are there fifteen seconds left?" - That's it.

Looks like you're putting in more than you're pulling out.

How I choose to keep it...

Come on!

Now we are at a new segment.

- Time! - Okay.

- Stop. No more. - I am stuck.

It has been one minute.

How much did you get on you?

Didn't you have a black suit?

Someone must have done better than me. If not I will be disappointed.

It's untouched. I got rid of zero rope.

I really want to to start with you, Siri.

Have you ever seen how an oil lamp works?

We mostly use electricity at home.

Does the wick in an oil lamp burn up right away?

I honestly imagined an explosion.

So I gathered, but there was none.

No, but in my head it should be...

- Everything should be gone. - You poured in more and more.

You poured in more and more, which means that ...

I poured in everything I found in the garage, flammable or not.

- It could have burnt for three years. - But then everything would be gone.

Calle, I'd say it worked amazingly well.

I agree with that.

You probably regret taking the trip through the garden before finding out

that you could ride your bike straight into the road. - But it was stuck in eighteenth gear.

It would have been faster to walk around the house.

Yes, it would have been faster. It looked cool though.

We have two left. Bård spent most of his time thinking.

- Shall we take a look? - You sat and pondered. I'm excited.

Okay.

I'll take it outside, if that's OK.

Just attach it a little.

Just in case.

Go!

Yes, it really was just impressive.

Calle has the same feeling as the typewriter had when the Mac came.

Let's take a look at Maria. I can reveal what you passed, Bård.

You passed three intersections, six pedestrian lanes

48 parked cars, two gardens and one terrified elderly lady.

That's good.

- One left. - That's me!

- How's your gut feeling? - Even if it's the first task,

I think this is my best. - We'll see if that's true.

- You can't stop me? - No.

- Are you ready? - Yes.

Three, two, one, there.

That was it?

- Can I try again? - No.

- How's your gut feeling now? - Very good.

As the rope went out, you did better than Siri.

That is good.

You've done well if you didn't lose.

- You probably have a result list? - Yes. Lets see.

At a clear last place are you, Siri, with zero points.

Or one point, but zero meters of thread.

Maria, you got six meters.

- How much did I get? - You got six meters.

That wasn't so stupid.

It surprises me that you get so much applause.

Third place, Calle. We jump right up. 176 meters.

Oi!

Vegard, second place. The weird technique worked.

230 meters.

But the clear winner is Bård with 314 meters.

Yes!

After two tasks, let's see.

Vegard still leads by nine.

It's not a long way down to last place with four points.

We must continue with the program.

What should I enjoy now, Olli? Do you have anything exciting for me?

- Are you hungry? - Always a little hungry.

You get to enjoy waffles.

Waffle.

I'm really bad at the waffle stuff.

I hope I get to eat and not cook.

"Fry a waffle in the waffle iron and present it to Olli on the plate."

"You can't step inside the circle."

"The finest waffle wins."

- What? - It's what I have to do.

- Okay. Is it on? - Yes.

Maria, you come in and see a waffle iron.

You see ten liters of waffle batter and half a pound of butter,

and think the task is to eat? - It doesn't take much to please me.

You think you should drink ten liters of waffle batter?

I know how good I am at eating, not so good at making.

With that in mind, I am impressed with how you solved the task.

But let's take a little look at some advertisements first.

Welcome back. We have some waffle roasting to do.

Yes, they should make a waffle without stepping within the red circle

which encloses the waffle iron.

The winner is the one who makes the finest waffle.

I look forward to it. Who is going to make the first waffle?

We start with Bård, Vegard and Calle

whom I call the loophole buddies.

I can't step inside the circle.

What is "to step"?

"To step:Verb, to set foot on the floor, on the earth."

"One foot stepped on", that's from Hamsun.

"You can't step inside the circle."

There is nothing in there about rolling.

And today I am wearing my trousers that are

half torn. It should be fine.

I call it golden.

It looks good. Then I just have to roll back again.

- Look here. - You're welcome.

- Food. - Thanks.

- Do you want any accessories? - It is up to you.

Here you go. This is how it should be done.

- We can call it lime. - Yes. You're welcome.

- Thank you. - A waffle, monsieur.

Good bye.

- You're welcome. - Thanks.

- Why are you laughing? - You were away for a long time. It's good.

- It doesn't make itself. - No, it doesn't.

- You're welcome. - Heart.

It is obvious that some are keen to find loopholes.

Bård, you were concerned with this "to step".

"It's a tricycle." (stepping bike)

Yes exactly!

I'm not saying where yet, but you are poorly placed.

I can say that right away.

- Did you notice your fingers? - Yes. They go back into the pot,

which is dark and nice. - The big, dark pot.

- But there are more left? - Absolutely.

I wonder, to put puns aside...

- That is smart. - Shall we see Maria?

Yes.

Like that.

I'm moving forward a bit.

- Can you push me? - No.

But I can say that you try to get up an uphill slope.

I should go from that end?

Maybe I should've got a stick before I moved the wagon?

- Do you want to get a stick for me? - No, you can get it yourself.

- Very well. - Do you think?

Carry on.

I forgot the butter.

I don't think there is such a good atmosphere in the waffle iron now.

Oh no!

You have to think before you do things, Maria.

- Here, monsieur. - Thanks.

Here is a waffle for you.

- Great. - I must go to the toilet.

You can go to the bathroom inside.

Are you disappointed?

- What do you think? - Shall we go right on to the next one?

- I think so too. - I don't want to comment on it anymore.

- Is it buttered up? - No.

- Is it a good iron? - A perfect iron.

This one, then? If I get some...

We use it.

- You're not afraid of germs? - No.

I have to extend the tube with a thinner tube.

- Don't be skeptical. It can work. - Absolutely.

I do not know how to open the iron.

Can I open it?

No, not with that.

I must come up with another invention for this.

Do not laugh at me. It makes me snap.

Operation one.

Calmly. There you go.

A little butter.

Now I need your help. You have to keep it there. Can you make it?

Then I'll pour it in without pouring it on your suit.

Is it in? Yes, come on!

That's enough.

A vital thing I forgot, is to get it out of the iron.

I don't have long to think about it.

Stop roasting!

Get down there!

Yes.

Yes! I'm a genius!

You can't boast about that too often.

I'll take that off there.

Now there is no place left on the waffle I wouldn't take.

- You're welcome. - Heart.

It's so nice to see someone solve this in a proper, real...

Good work, simply said.

A little experiment. Does someone remember the last sentence?

"The finest waffle wins." I wanted to remind you.

Yes, and you should have to remind them of it too, because then I don't have to.

That is the case, the finest waffle wins.

Should we rank from scratch? It's the simplest thing here.

I want to talk a little more with you, Bård.

You chose to bypass the rules in a way,

but at the same time by using a tricycle. (stepping bike)

Do you have anything to say in your defense?

I don't remember if it was inside or on the circle.

- We just disqualify you. - Okay, cool.

- We make it easy. You are disqualified. - Thanks.

- It's... - There's nothing more to worry about.

- There will be zero points. - It's a pity for Nils and Ronny.

Yes, it is. Nils and Ronny will never see that laser again.

Now they sit and...

Maria, you should get three points.

- No? - Yes.

- Thanks. - It was good work.

- That's a lot. - Yes, are you happy?

- Yes, it's very nice. - I saw you expected last place.

Is it nice to get in the middle?

Calle moves down to the last. Two points there.

It stands between an honest piece of hard work

or a waffle with jam and weeds.

But we should not taste it, we should look at it.

Honest work always loses to theft. Vegard wins.

The end is in sight, but there are many chances left.

Shall we just get on with the next task?

Yes, if just to laugh at it.

Hello.

Lets see.

"Fill the egg cup with as many tears as you can manage..." No, no.

"In twenty minutes. Time starts now."

How do you provoke tears?

Can we watch a movie?

I once heard that Liv Ullmann...

When she was crying on command, she thought of something hurtful.

No, wait. She...

She used onions in her handkerchief, and then...

This will be the worst twenty minutes of my life.

Can I ask something on behalf of the people here about your house?

- Yes. - Which room in your house is this?

It's my Dexter room.

But why is this task so bad?

- Men don't cry. - No.

But are you men?

- I... - Five points.

Well, finally it was an advantage to be the youngest.

- Will we see how this went? - Yes.

Should we take a little break first?

Actually I'm not interested in your opinion. We show ads.

Welcome back. It's just getting started, Olli.

The participants have twenty minutes

to produce as many tears they can.

Whoever has the most tears wins.

Certainly no one has thought of this.

This is not a solution, but the beginning of something terrible.

Oh, it's happening!

I look a little crazy.

It's too early.

I bet everyone has been thinking the same thing.

Is that how you do it?

And then, nothing happens.

- Is that how Liv Ullmann was doing? - Yes. I should have had a handkerchief,

- but I don't have to hide the fact that I use onions.

Here's just...

It stings.

That doesn't work, Liv Ullmann.

What's wrong with you?

You haven't got a single tear in your body.

Cynical, icy devils.

I can reveal that we have an ace up our sleeve.

Yes, because it's part two. They had time to find other things.

- Do you want to look at it? - Very.

Its nothing. There is not one tear.

I haven't had a good childhood,

I haven't been taken behind an altar and...

Forget the onion. We'll try something different.

This is so stupid. One of the stupidest things I'll ever do.

Tiger balm is a classic movie trick.

I accidentally got it on the scrotum once.

My God, it stings!

Come on.

This is the stupidest thing I've done.

The most effective would have been tiger balm and onion on the eyeball.

If someone is willing to do that, I will grant them their victory.

If you squeeze out some onion juice...

Now I have the onion on the eyeball.

Is there something wrong with my eyes?

Is this strong?

Look what I found. Chili beans in mild sauce.

It is not strong at all.

Calle may have made it. I think he can cry on command.

Five minutes left.

Vegard...

I think he is quite panicky at this point.

Of course, the girls are on a whole different level here.

They just have to think about their days gone by, and then the cup is full.

I found a video, "most emotional soldiers coming home compilation".

I'll look at it and hope that I can bring forth some tears.

A moment, nine months in the making, timed perfectly.

I watch videos from Syria.

There were days that many of the children...

There were days that many of the children could not come to school.

One of seven schools has been totally rehabilitated.

All the girls get schooling. So nice that they got a chance.

It was a joy.

It's nice for the girls in Syria, but frustrating for my part.

- "What have you done at work today?" - "Oh..."

"I smeared tiger balm in my face and cried in a glass. "

- Olli, can you blow in my eyes? - Right into the eyes?

Time.

- I'm excited about how things went. - You'll get the results.

- Maria, you got zero tears. - I'm the coldest of the whole gang.

A cynical psychopath.

It's a pain to see. I had faith in you.

Similar results from second to fourth.

Bård comes in fourth place with one tear.

- Vegard, third place with two tears. - Gee.

Right across is Calle with two and a half tears.

Queen of tears, Siri Kristiansen, got 19 tears!

Good.

Let's see how things went in the first episode.

The positions are as follows.

We see that Vegard leads by 17 points. He's managing well.

Good. Good.

We have come to the last task.

The final task of the show

must be done right here in the studio before the audience, viewers,

and most importantly in front of me. Get on stage.

Olli, you're ready. What will happen?

I'm ready. Maria, you've got a letter.

- So I see. - Please, read.

Dress up in your shirt and tie as quickly as possible.

Wait wait wait!

It is good to see you are so committed. Get back up again.

This is what this program has done to us.

It was a natural response.

Up here, so people understand it at home, everything is frozen.

Both the tie and what you are going to tie up here.

We start in three, two, one...

Now to open the damn...

Isn't that a mic here?

- Is it cold? - Yes, but a little delicious too.

- Where's Bård? - He disappeared.

Look here, yes.

- What kind of knot is that? - A "double windsor".

Double, yes.

- Aren't you taller? - Is it cold?

- Aren't you taller! - What have you done, Bård?

I used the microphone, but it didn't work.

- Remember to ring. - There are two of us. Lets see.

I have a clear idea of the winners and losers.

Get back to your seats, then we will summarize.

Olli, what are the results of the last task?

Let's start with last place,

Siri came last, and saw Maria just before her.

Third place for Bård.

Vegard, it was tricky, but Calle came first.

- Unless you have something to add? - How they looked, yes.

It was okay, but as for Siri, I'll give a little extra point.

She made me think of the movie "9 1/2 weeks".

It was with Kim Basinger in a suit, and it's still with me.

An extra point it is.

Two points there, and five points there. Let's get the total.

That means today's winner is Vegard!

Come on over and look at your prizes.

Fantastic.

That's what we had. There are many competitions left

before someone goes home with the grand prize.

This bust in gold of me, in other words.

Stay tuned next week. Thank you for today.