Original subtitles

The reason

I left was because I had to go talk to Donna

to tell her that I can't see her anymore

because there's something I have to do.

- What? - This.

Oh, my.

Something brought me from the dirt today.

A presence most evil.

Although you know me as a hardworking

publicist, I am, in fact, Elias Woodstone,

an emissary for the Devil.

- No. - When you signed the contract

to hire me, in exchange for making your dreams come true,

I secured your soul for Satan.

What's important for you is to relax

and enjoy what little time you have left to live.

Look out!

Rats.

Thought I'd get him on the first try.

Oh, well.

See you soon.

Sam? I'm afraid to use the toaster.

I can't live like this.

I know Elias showed up

and revealed that he had tricked Jay into selling his soul

and is now actively trying to kill him,

but it was a lovely book launch party.

It's true.

It'll be pretty bitchin' as one of Jay's last memories.

How is Jay doing today, Samantha... still on edge?

Yes, we're both on edge.

An emissary of the Devil is trying to kill my husband

and drag him to hell, so we're on high alert, okay?

It's DEFCON 5.

Oh, actually, DEFCON 1 is the most dangerous.

Not now, Pete.

Sam,

did the bubble wrap I ordered arrive?

I'm gonna need you to wrap me up, babe.

Poor Jay. An eternity in hell.

I know what that's like.

I once spent a weekend in Boston.

Jay, I don't think this is gonna cut it.

We need a better solution than

hockey pads and some bubble wrap.

You're thinking I should put on my stormtrooper armor.

Gah, wish I had mithril, which, as you know,

protected Frodo from an orc's spear at the mines of Moria.

Oh, I see,

he's intentionally trying

to shrivel your desire for him in order to make

his upcoming absence more bearable for you.

That's thoughtful.

I don't think the answer is that we just

keep evading attempts on your life.

We need to figure out how to get you out of this deal.

How are Jay's fiddling skills?

Do people not get the reference?

"The Devil Went Down to Georgia"?

It's a phenomenal song.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on. "The Devil went down to Georgia,

"he was looking for a soul to steal.

"And he was in a bind 'cause he was way behind

and he was willing to make a deal."

"When he came across a young man

"sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot.

"So he hopped up on a hickory stump,

and said, 'Boy, let me tell you what.'"

What's going on? Are the ghosts concerned for me?

Uh-huh.

♪ Fire on the mountain, run, boys, run ♪

♪ Devil's in the house of the risin' sun ♪

Are you tapping your toe?

Why are you tapping your toe?

It's just a nervous tic.

We're all nervous, Jay.

Thank you, guys.

- Hey! - Yee-hah!

What's going on here?

Small man fixing ghost trap in quixotic bid

to circumvent deal with Devil.

If you're wondering about all the big words,

Sam got a word of the day calendar

and Thor's been following along.

Thor never skip day. Thor very ambidextrous.

He doesn't always nail it.

Jay, I was thinking, maybe we should

start pureeing all your food, you know,

cut down on choking hazards while we're figuring out

this whole Elias thing. Wait.

What are you doing?

Well, you know, I was thinking about what you said,

and I can't keep worrying about Elias trying to kill me,

so I've come up with a plan.

And it is nuts.

I got in touch with Janis.

The Latvian ghost trap repairman.

And he talked me through

how to fix the ghost trap.

If I live, we're having pierogis with him and his mom next week.

- Cool. - Anyways, the plan is

if Elias kills me, in the few seconds I have

before he drags my soul to hell,

I'm just gonna touch the ghost trap

and get sucked right on in.

So, in this scenario, you're still dead,

but instead of going to hell,

you're just stuck in a little box for eternity?

No, just until you guys figure out a way

to extricate me from the Devil's bargain.

Ask him about the tiny furniture. It's crazy.

And the tiny doll furniture?

Well, I might be in there

for a while, and I thought

I might as well be comfortable.

It actually doesn't cost much to live

a luxurious doll's life.

He's lost it.

And check this out.

Huh? You never let me

have one of those in real big life.

I honestly can't tell what he's rooting for.

Jay, I've just got to be honest here,

this seems like a terrible plan.

Well, it's the one to beat.

Uh, Sam, Elias Woodstone is here

in demon form, and he would like to talk to Jay.

Oh, no. Jay, Elias is here.

Okay.

Let's just hear what he has to say.

Wait, wait.

Now I'm ready.

An eterna-cookie.

That's genius.

Hey. There's my partner in crime.

If kissing were a crime, which it's not.

Although arson is, and we did almost burn this place down.

You're damn right we did.

So, how are we planning to tell everyone about us?

Oh, I'd like to maximize jealousy,

and, ideally, it should involve me singing.

Well, I mean, I know it's not the same,

but when Carol and I got engaged,

we announced it in the Kiwanis newsletter.

There had been a float collision at the Rhubarb Days Parade,

so most of the other announcements

were pretty somber.

Oh. Well, maybe we should just go downstairs

and tell everyone the good news.

We could.

Although, is it a little insensitive

to put our happiness on display

with all Sam and Jay are going through?

That's partly based on some feedback I got

after the rhubarb tragedy.

Sure, I get that, it's just,

as far as everyone in the house is concerned,

I professed my love to you in front of everyone,

and then you immediately fled the property.

Oh, boy. Yeah, I didn't think about it that way.

Although, I mean, with all this Jay stuff going on,

I-I doubt that's on anyone's radar.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Leave the man alone, Alberta.

He's not interested.

I filled her in on the whole

"day of humiliation" thing.

We're friends now. We walk.

Well, Carol, if you must know...

I can't take a hint.

Can't blame a girl for trying.

Is there anyone for her in the basement?

Creepy Dirk is newly single,

but he's pretty picky.

I'll do a temp check.

I'm here to talk about

the timeline of your death. Wait.

What is that?

It's an air fryer.

I'm looking for healthier ways to eat chicken nuggets.

Ah.

At last we come face to face,

hell spawn.

Who is this little freak?

Patience just came in

and is confronting Elias.

Seriously?

I knew I was right when I sensed

the Devil's presence in this house.

And now

it is my destiny to smite thee.

Oh, damn, it's about to go down.

She says she's gonna smite him, Jay.

Say goodbye, demon.

What's happening?

Is she shooting lasers out of her eyes?

Are there flames?

Not exactly.

Smite! Smite! Smite!

Smite! Smite!

Smite!

Is this your whole plan? Just to yell "smite?"

I mean, it does

leave one wanting.

Patience, have you ever done this before?

Well, not exactly,

but I just assumed on account of my holiness

and his wickedness...

Patience not need to feel ashamed.

Very ambidextrous effort.

- It didn't work, Jay. - Damn it.

I mean,

yay, my publicist is saved.

This doesn't make any sense.

Patience. Patience!

Now, where were we? Ah, yes.

I am not here to kill you.

Okay.

Could be trick.

I often tell Dane, "Not going to kill you,"

but then I do kill.

- Very funny. - I realized

it was unsporting of me to take your soul

before I made good on my end of the bargain.

I mean, you made a deal with the Devil.

You should get something in return.

So, in exchange for Jay's soul,

I promise to take him to new heights of success,

to put him and his restaurant on the map.

So how long, exactly, do I have left to live?

Gosh, I mean,

a rise from obscurity to the top of the culinary heap

could take decades.

Decades. Okay, I can work with decades.

No, I was saying it could take decades,

if I were a less incredible publicist.

But I pulled some strings and worked my connections

and I secured you an appearance on...

Good Hang with Amy Poehler!

- Oh, that's actually a really big podcast. - Wow.

- Yeah. - So what does this mean? - It means

that I fulfilled my end of the deal.

Oh, one more thing... it tapes tomorrow.

After which you die.

So, make it

a good hang,

for it shall be your last hang.

I can't believe you married this guy, Hetty.

I had two cousins to choose from.

And the other one had weird teeth.

Big ol' bag of gorp, this is bad.

We got to come up with a plan to save Jay's life.

And three clever anecdotes

for Jay to talk about on the podcast.

We've all heard the pasta story.

- That's not gonna cut it. - Okay,

here's what I'm thinking...

I fill a ziplock bag full of water,

put it in the ghost trap,

and now little Jay has

- a waterbed. - Wait a minute.

- The ghost trap. - Yeah, sweetie,

- that's what it's called. - No, I'm saying

what if we trick Elias into going inside it

and hold him hostage until he lets Jay out of the deal?

It's like what the cult did to get that radio deejay

to read Bruce's manifesto on air.

A good idea undermined by a disturbing example.

The ghosts are saying we should try to trap Elias

in the ghost trap.

Interesting.

Either he lets me out of the deal

or we use the evisceration function to destroy him.

But we can't trap a demon in a ghost trap.

We need to get him back to ghost form.

- Mm. - Right. How are we gonna do that?

Jay?

The Good Hang folks want to know

what you'd like for lunch in the green room tomorrow.

I don't know.

Big Dill Double Sonic Smasher, I guess.

You're a chef, man.

What if I just refuse to go to the podcast?

I-Is that some kind of loophole?

Sadly, it's not.

And, honestly, it's just rude to Poehler,

who is lovely.

Speaking of lovely,

nice to see you again, Alberta.

Well, that must feel like a nice shot in the arm

after the brutal public rejection from Peter.

Still think you're a super lady.

Hey,

Elias seems like he's really into Alberta.

Maybe we could use that to lure him into ghost form.

- What do you mean? - I'm just saying,

if Elias were made to think

he's got a shot with Bertie here,

he'd have to turn into a ghost to make a move.

You're suggesting a classic Hoboken Honeypot?

And before anything happens,

we make him come into contact with the ghost trap

and, boom... in he goes.

Sounds exciting. I'm in.

Oh, Bertie's about to get flirty.

The ghosts

are suggesting we have Alberta hit on Elias

to get him back into ghost form.

Interesting.

And her confidence isn't shot

from that whole Pete debacle?

Forget it. Send this man to hell.

She can do it, Jay.

- I certainly believe in her. - Shut up, Pete.

Well, I come

to bid thee farewell.

Following my failed smiting,

I am returning to the dirt,

where I shall live out eternity in shame.

Okay.

- Bye. - Nice seeing you.

- Ah. - Wait, wait, Patience.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

For centuries, I've wondered why God hath abandoned me

to this purgatory.

And then Elias came and it all made sense.

I was kept here to defeat the Devil.

I think I'm here to entertain others

with my stories.

Have I ever told you about the time I found a weird apple?

It just doth make no sense.

A good and pure soul should be able to vanquish evil.

Well, maybe...

and don't take this the wrong way...

it's possible that your soul...

isn't so pure.

- Patience? - Is true.

Patience spend much time saying others bad

but not much time...

doing good.

Oh, so you're saying Patience talketh the talk

but don't walketh the walk.

Yeseth.

Patience know what she need do.

Patience.

Now back to the apple story.

It was a red,

but it was a weird red.

No, he doesn't want something better.

He wants Sonic.

A man who goes after what he wants.

I wonder if there's anything else he has his eyes on.

Excuse me?

It's just...

we don't get a lot of handsome strangers around here.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Is it hot in here?

I'm not the best judge.

My condo is in the fiery pits of hell.

Ooh, a homeowner.

Oh,

that's right.

When you're a demon,

I can't touch you.

Oh. There's an easy fix for that.

Hello.

Oh, my.

So you in ghost form now?

Indeed.

I believe you were about to touch something.

No.

You're about to touch something.

He's in, Jay.

What's going on?

You're in a ghost trap, Elias.

And I just hit the evisceration button.

You have five minutes to release me from our deal

or you're toast.

Now I'm gonna wait for you to say something

- and have Sam tell me what you said. - Mm-hmm.

Why is everyone screaming?

Who is that?

Who are you?

- Oh, no. - Uh, Jay,

I think we have a problem.

It seems as if Carol is also in the ghost trap.

Aw, crap.

Carol, what are you doing in there?

Well, I was in the kitchen

sniffing baked goods,

and Jay walked in with this strange little box.

I tried to poke my head in to see what was inside.

Next thing you know, I'm in this weird little room.

Carol, I was holding

the ghost trap for the last 20 minutes.

Why didn't you yell for help?

I must have fallen asleep.

There's this really comfortable chair in here.

- Oh. - BarcaLounger. - Great.

She would have been rescued,

but she fell asleep in your doll chair.

So I would have been comfortable.

Oh, this is rich.

You thought you had me.

Threatening to eviscerate me

unless I release Jay's soul.

But you can't destroy me

unless you destroy your precious Carol.

- I don't know about "precious." - Three minutes

- until evisceration. - Oh!

Can we stop the clock?

Maybe we can just hold them hostage for a while.

The only way to stop the countdown is to let them out.

Or let them both, you know... poof.

- - Hetty. - I am just talking it out.

I mean, it would save Jay.

And it's Elias. And Carol.

Uh, if we had to choose two ghosts to be eviscerated,

would we be anywhere different right now?

- Really? Hmm? - All right,

so Carol's not quite the bargaining chip

I thought I'd lucked into.

But we all know you don't

have it in you to eviscerate

- an innocent ghost. - "Innocent"

is strong. She cuckolded Pete for years with his best friend.

And then she lied to him about his entire career,

leaving him to believe he was a legitimate travel agent

when he was actually an unwitting front for the mob.

Some of those trips were real. Although,

some, in retrospect, appear to have been assassinations.

You can also just kind of tell she voted for Nixon.

When you put it all together,

she is kind of a bad person.

Jay, the ghosts are sort of implying

that maybe it's okay if we sacrifice Carol.

Not all the ghosts.

Look, I know Carol is far from perfect,

but, deep down... way, way down...

I know there's good inside her.

I don't want to go to hell, but...

I signed that deal.

I can't do that to somebody else.

Even Carol.

- Oh! - Oh...

You tricked me, Jay.

Not cool!

He went back down.

Okay, so...

maybe the danger's passed?

Yes, I'm sure that's it.

Jay's life ends now.

Elias, please, just...

Silence!

Oh, my God!

- He's got the Force. - Oh, my God,

was that the Force? Not important right now,

but did Pete say something about the Force?

- Yes, Jay. - My man.

Look out!

Is Jay making

- lightsaber sounds? - It helps him focus.

He's practiced this in the mirror.

You're ready, Jay. You've got this!

Your soul

will soon be mine, Jay,

and, with it, my promotion

from vice president to senior vice president.

With shared assistant.

Aah!

Just stop, Elias!

Say goodbye, Samantha.

Wait!

Would you accept another soul

in his stead?

What happened, babe? Why'd he stop trying to kill me?

I think Patience is volunteering to take your spot?

- No way. - It's about time.

Patience walketh the walk.

Cool.

Let's make it official.

Oh, wow.

Wow, you can really feel the heat.

Um, it's...

- it's pretty toasty. - Patience,

I'm so touched.

Yeah, I'm out.

This is just beyond generous of you.

Seriously, I don't know

- how I'm ever gonna repay... - Jay, she bailed.

Damn it.

That feral little dirtball.

All right, Jay.

Time to die.

I'm scared, Sam.

I'm sorry I signed that contract.

I give you my blessing to remarry

after a respectful seven years.

As long as it's not to Kyle.

I hate Kyle.

I love you, Sam.

I love you, Jay.

Not as much as I do.

Elias, take me instead.

- Pete, no. - Peter! - No.

Jay's my best friend.

He's got his whole life to live.

Oh...

Works for me.

- - Oh my God! - Carol,

- what did you just do? - Something I should have done

a long time ago...

done right by you.

Carol just sacrificed herself

to save Pete, who also stepped up.

Oh, my God.

All right, I haven't had one since high school,

but I need a cigarette.

Carol, you didn't have to do this.

You weren't a bad person.

We were just...

different.

Like donuts and donut holes.

- How do you mean? - You know,

'cause they come from different machines.

But it's all donut material.

No, I don't think so.

Okay.

Time to go.

Ta-ta.

Jay, you are officially free.

I was going to do it.

Uh, some could say I sort of got the ball rolling.

Well, this is new.

No, no, no, no!

What's happening?

She was going down, but now she's getting sucked off.

This is incredible.

Bye, Pete!

Bye, everyone!

Tell Baxter I'll wait for him.

Yeah, right.

Thank you, Carol!

Her sacrifice

must have been enough to cancel out going down.

- Amazing. - Hmm! - Wow,

this must suck for you.

You were so close.

Patience.

New recliner. I love it.

This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Multiple ghosts just offered to go to hell for you, sir.

Well, you had a tough week.

I thought you deserved some relaxation.

I'm so glad I didn't lose you.

I'm glad

Jay didn't go to hell,

but I'll miss Isaac.

I'm right here.

Okay, well, if you're Isaac,

then who's Doug?

There is no Doug.

We lost Doug?

No!

Doug!

It's all right.

Everyone, we have an announcement.

Now that the danger has passed,

uh, we'd like to let you all know that...

Pete and I finally smooched last week.

Oh! Sick!

It's just like the doll version.

That is amazing.

- It is amazing. - No,

I'm talking to Pete and Alberta. Apparently they kissed

- last week. - L-Let me get this straight...

you kissed Peter and then

he immediately volunteered to go to hell?

No, that's not...

The two are unconnected.

I don't like this narrative.

Ooh!

Real big life

is fixing to be A-OK.