Original subtitles

[party horns blowing]

Joe: It's the old switcheroo!

Murr: He doesn't know that he's getting punished.

Joe: We've been keeping this secret for a long time,

And I can't wait to reveal it.

[laughter]

I don't know if this is a good idea.

This is insane.

Who allowed us to do this?

You son of a bitch.

Joe: I got the fat sweats.

Sal: Wow! What is that?

I'm so excited.

Sal: Still surprised every day with this show.

Jokers: Well...

Today, we're teaming up

At skydive long island in calverton,

Teaching people how to jump out of planes.

Well...

Maybe we're not, murr.

Q: Maybe it's your punishment.

No, no, no, it's not. No, it is not.

There's no [bleep] way.

No. No. No.

No, no, no!

So murray thought we were coming here

To teach classes today, but in fact,

It's his punishment.

Q: Murray is deathly, deathly afraid of skydiving.

His entire life saying he will never do it.

What if this goes wrong, guys?

Well, we'll mourn you. Ha ha ha!

I'm shaking right now.

Sal: Wait. Hold on. Holy [bleep]

He has a heart.

[laughter]

Only one way out now, murr.

Guys, I can't do this.

I'm gonna lose my [bleep], man.

Oh, my god.

Why are we still going up?

Q: Murr!

[screaming]

Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

[whimpering]

[others talking at once]

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Q: Oh, my god!

Geronimo!

[screaming]

Oh, oh. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Did the parachute go off?

Don't drop me, man. Don't drop me.

I'm not gonna fall?

You're not falling, man.

Holy [bleep].

I need 3 new best friends.

[breathing heavily]

Hey, buddy. You're all getting a punch.

What do you mean I'm getting a punch? You're getting it,

So accept it and move on. You got punished.

What are you talking about? Step down and accept it.

Ha ha ha! Look.

[laughter]

Murr: Today, we're here for sal's punishment,

And if you notice, there's no sal.

Yeah, that's because he's on his way here

To what he thinks is a challenge,

And he'll be getting on to this floor using that elevator.

The thing is there is no challenge,

And that is our elevator.

We control where it goes, who gets on it,

When it gets stuck. Yup, yup, yup.

Oh, I hope it doesn't get stuck.

Guys, it's getting stuck!

Joe: Look at sal. Not a care in the world...

Until...Right now.

[thump]

Oh. Murr: Oh.

[squealing]

This is--

[pressing buttons]

[coughs]

Um...

[jokers laughing]

This is sal's worst nightmare.

He's in a confined box with a sick person.

[coughing]

[bell rings]

You should, uh, cover your mouth when you cough.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[jokers laughing]

Hello?

Hold on. We're working on it.

Sal: Thank you.

Get comfortable.

You might be in there a while, ok?

[bleep] [bleep].

It's ok. It's ok.

What's in the bag?

Just a cat.

[jokers laughing]

Murr: Sal hates cats.

[jokers laughing]

Now he's stuck in the elevator

With a sick dude and a hairless cat.

I don't think you should have that out.

You know what? He just gets freaked out a little bit.

Dude, can you turn around and cough?

Sorry. Sorry.

Sal: Can you give us just a little information?

You wouldn't understand.

You wouldn't understand. I'm sorry.

Oh, my god.

I can't believe he just said that.

Holy [bleep]!

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Let's go make some noise. Yeah, let's go.

[party horns blowing]

[jokers shouting]

Joe: You did it. [bleep]!

You did it!

Sal: All right. So it's joe's punishment today.

You might notice he is not with us.

Mm-hmm.

That's because we sent him on a wild goose chase

Today while we post up at his house

And prepare his birthday gift.

Right now, our crew is inside joe's house

Helping us get his present ready.

We're just gonna hang today and wait

Till he gets here.

Joey is now pulling up to his house.

He has no idea what to expect.

"happy birthday!" oh.

Q: Here he goes, here he goes.

[door opening]

[jokers laughing, clapping]

Joe: So my whole house is covered

In wrapping paper.

This is insane.

[jokers laughing]

This is some serious-- this is a fire hazard.

[jokers laughing]

Hey, buddy. What's up?

Oh, there you are. Hey, boys.

Sal: We're in a secret location.

You're probably wrapped somewhere.

Boys, you need me to find you?

Make noise.

You wrapped my bananas? Guys.

Are these all presents?

Murr: Anything with bows on it is special.

Ha ha ha!

Like I'd have this up in my home.

We replaced all joe's photos.

Yup. There he is.

Oh, there he is.

Yup. There's the sexiness.

Yup. That's when I had my [bleep] out at a urinal.

Party's over.

[jokers laughing]

It's all connected.

This is only one part of the house!

You know what? I'm just gonna move.

Sal: Today, we're at artevino studio

Teaching a mommy and me art class.

Hi, everybody.

Ready to do this? Oh, excellent.

This is what I like to see.

Q, go behind the kid in a green shirt.

What--what's your name, buddy?

Matthew. Matthew.

Lean in and just go softly,

"you think you're better than me?"

[whispering] matty. Yeah?

What, do you think you're better than me?

Yeah.

Everybody thinks they're better than me.

Now, q, to your right, there's a cup

Filled with red paint,

And then grab a big paintbrush,

And then I just want you to pick any canvas

You want and draw a huge x from corner to corner.

Ha ha ha!

Sal: I mean, it's not doable.

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.

Oof. I think I'm just gonna draw a red x on my head,

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, that's interesting because we just checked

The scoreboard, buddy.

You lost this episode.

[laughter]

Here's your punishment, bud.

Draw an x on every canvas in the room.

Look at all these canvases.

What is your punishment, jerk?

Oh, my god.

This is basically the--impossible.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Here's your punishment, bud.

Draw an x on every canvas in the room.

Look at all these canvases.

What is your punishment, jerk?

Oh, my god.

This is basically the--impossible.

Everybody's looking good.

Let's see each painting.

All right.

Oh, I like your cat.

Oh, I love your little cat.

Oh, my god. This is tough.

[grunts]

Sal: Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Red x.

Murr: Oh. Ohh!

Q: That's good.

Murr: No.

Joe: All right, bud. Keep going.

What do we got here?

Sal: Oh, my god.

Joe: Aww. How cute.

Oh, god. Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh, no.

[q groans]

Joe: Ha ha ha!

Murr: No! No!

Oh, that's a cute bear. That's...

Oh, my god.

Murr: Oh, no.

Not the pig! Not the pig!

What are you doing? Not the pig!

Sal: Oh, my god.

Oh, boy.

Murr: Here's number 5.

Joe: They know it's coming.

Oh, my god. Oh.

Murr: No.

My life is horrible.

[jokers laughing]

Q: Oh, my god. I am so sorry.

Oh, man.

Joe: So today, we're here

At the midtown amateur

Bodybuilding qualifier for murr's punishment.

You're gonna have to go out there and pose down

And compete in a bodybuilding competition

In front of hundreds of strangers.

And please note that you do not look like them.

Oh, my god.

We got to oil you up.

Rub it in, baby. Rub it in.

What is this? Bronzer, bro.

Oh, my god.

Q: Oh. You're gonna look good, bro.

Q: You are glistening.

James, we're ready for you.

All right, murr. Good luck. God bless america.

Have some fun out there.

Have some fun out there.

Joe: Here we go.

Q: All right. So murray's on his way

To take part in a bodybuilding competition.

Well...

Behind the door is gonna be

A celebrity that is murray's childhood crush.

Q: Here we go, here we go.

Woman: Give me one second.

Here we go. Here we go.

Right through here. Yeah.

Q: Oh, [bleep]!

Joe: It's danica mckellar,

Winnie cooper from "the wonder years."

Oh.

[jokers laughing]

You have to interview winnie cooper,

Your childhood crush.

Ahem. I think this is your seat.

[jokers laughing]

Q: If murray had one person over the years

That he said he had a crush on...

Hi, danica.

It was her. It was winnie cooper.

It was winnie cooper.

Ahem. Whoa!

[jokers laughing]

Q: Look at her face!

How did--it's so good for you to be here today.

Thank you.

You've recently been making the rounds

To promote the 25th anniversary of "wonder years,"

My favorite show growing up.

How has that been?

[jokers laughing]

It's been-- it's been great.

Truth or dare. I'll go first.

Truth. I used to kiss a poster of you

When I was younger with tongue.

Joe: That's true, that's true.

He told us that!

He told us that. That's absolutely a truth!

Seriously?

I had a poster of you in my room,

And, uh, I used to french it.

That's pretty gross. All right. Next.

Ok. Is this--ugh!

Is this the proper way to do a squat?

[jokers laughing]

Like that? It's pretty good.

Joe: Murr, now flex. Flex.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

[jokers laughing]

Look at her face!

[exhales]

Joe: Hold it. Hold it.

[jokers laughing]

Q: Aw!

Joe: Your ass cheeks.

Oh, come on.

That--that's cool. You don't have to do any more.

That's ok.

[meow]

Q: Over the years, we have catalogued

All of sal's fears and phobias.

Yeah. So what we're gonna do is just basically

Torture him without him realizing it

And pretending it's all coincidental

Until he drives himself insane.

I am so excited! I am so excited!

3, 2, 1!

Today, we're in the streets going up

To strangers and giving them some lessons

About manners.

Well...

Don't [bleep] do that.

Is this a joke?

I mean, you got--you got

The urban bungee right there, sal.

Q: Look at those safety harnesses.

I cannot believe this is happening to me.

It looks like it goes higher.

I cannot... Joe: It's not.

It's not. What?

We're kidding. We're kidding. That's not us.

I'm not doing that?

You see that in the park, you run with it.

You know, we can't let that opportunity slip.

Joe: All right, sal, you ready for your turn?

Sal: Let's do it.

Q: Whoa, you know, those sneakers are jumping

Off the screen right now.

They really are. Sal: All right.

Don't stand next to that wet cement

Being poured in front of you.

Joe: Yeah. That'll be like a punishment

If you had nice shoes on and you had to walk through--

Well...

Maybe you have to walk through the wet cement

With your brand-new shoes, buddy.

Joe: I'm just kidding.

[laughter]

Joe: All right. Ready boys?

Oh. What's that right behind you?

Murr: It's a truck in the shot.

What's that? A cat adoption they got going on?

Cat adoption truck?

[laughter]

Joe: What's that right behind you?

Murr: It's a truck in the shot.

What's that? A cat adoption they got going on?

Cat adoption truck?

Sal: Guys, I--I'm gonna need to know now.

Well...

Joe: Maybe you've got to into that truck,

Pick up a cat, walk through the cement.

Sal: I'm supposed to be here?

Man: Are you supposed to be here?

Sal, they're really having a cat event, you idiot.

Are you here for me?

I am here because we're doing an adoption event.

Murr: You dumbass.

It's a real adoption event.

Guys, I can't take it anymore.

Q: Sal, yell at the guy in the restaurant

From across the way to sit up straight.

Yeah. Ha ha ha!

Murr: Is that sal's father?

What a coincidence!

Wait. This means this is a punishment.

Please stop. What's going on?

Welcome to your punishment, sal.

That was it.

Murr: It's psychological torture.

Look at your face.

Am I done?

Well...

Today we're passengers riding

In the iconic roosevelt island tram.

While riding the tram, we have to complete

A task given to us by the other guys.

If you can't complete the task given to you, you lose.

Others: Well...

Here we go.

Others: Not quite!

You're gonna be on top of the tram

Hundreds of feet above the east river.

Also you like spandex, right?

I'm not kidding.

Murr: Oh, my god. Q: Oh, my god.

All right. We got it.

Move that tram, move that tram.

Guys...

Oh, my god!

[bleep] guys.

Whoa! Whoa!

Joe: Aah! Aah! It's rocking.

When it stops, it rocks.

Joe, look. Look at your dogs.

Somebody's kept your dogs hostage up there.

All: It's cannoli and biscotti!

Go save your dogs. Whoa!

Aah! Aah!

Whoa!

Are you kidding me?

Whoa! I'm scared.

You got to save your dogs, buddy.

[bleep] those dogs!

Q: Come on, buddy.

[screaming]

Q: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Joe: What the [bleep] is wrong with you guys?

Oh, my god, I just [bleep] myself.

Run, biscotti.

All right. Let's move this tram.

Murr: Joe, we're all from staten island, right,

The forgotten borough.

Yeah.

So this is your chance to tell the rest

Of the city to suck it.

So I want you to face all the different boroughs

And tell them to suck it.

Attention, everyone not from staten island,

Y'all can suck it!

Brooklyn, suck it! Whoa!

Hey, hey, queens.

Queens, suck it!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, the bronx.

Bronx, suck it!

Jersey, suck it!

New jersey, suck it!

Q: We're gonna bring it on home.

Back to--back to the fortress of fattitude.

[jokers laughing]

Murr: Joe's a huge loser,

So we're here to hugely punish him.

Others: Well...

Maybe not. Maybe it's murray that's the huge loser.

It might be you getting punished.

No, no, no, no.

This is [bleep]!

It's really sinking in right now.

It's the old switcheroo!

No, no way!

Murray will be dressed like a human piñata...

No! This is for joe!

Airlifted on a crane, and beaten the crap out

Of by children.

Until candy explodes.

This is a bad precedent, gentlemen.

All right, buddy.

Q: Yeah. Buddy, how you doing?

We're really doing this.

Joe: Yes! Yes!

[jokers laughing]

Murr: This is not funny.

Holy [bleep]!

Release the children.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god, no.

No, no. Get away. Get away.

Q: You guys excited?

Murr: No.

Q: Get him! Get him.

I don't think it's working.

Take a break, guys. Take a break, guys.

Little bastards.

I think we need a designated hitter.

Q: Yeah. What's going on?

Let's bring him in.

What? Who? Who?

[jokers laughing]

Is that your brother-in-law?

Joe: This is my sister's husband, who wanted to

Have a talk with murray after that little video

He made with her.

Joe: That is my sister.

[jokers laughing]

That's joe's sister. Joe's sister.

It was just a joke. It was just a joke.

Sal: Oh, my god.

I deserve that. Now put the bat down.

You should respect marriage a little bit more.

No, no, no, no. Please!

Jokers: Ohh!

Murr: Oh, my god.

Ohh!

Ohh!

[cheering]

That bat's broken. Give me another bat.

No, no.

[cheering]

Someone get me down now?

Oh! No, no, no, let me down!

Joke's over, lower me down.

Q: Sal's the big loser, and today we have something

A little unusual planned for his punishment.

Do you guys remember that challenge where we

Made sal jump up and grab the statue's nose?

Who would've thought that that was against the law?

Well, we found out when the department of homeland security...

Sent a note. That's right.

They sent a very stern letter to us asking us

Not to do that again.

They ultimately dismissed the whole thing,

But we forgot to tell sal that.

Forgot?

Well...

We've been planning this punishment

For almost a year.

We are right across the street from city hall.

This is an actual government building that we're filming in,

And today, sal's been called in to testify

In what he thinks is an actual deposition

In front of the department of homeland security.

Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy

The people versus sal vulcano.

This woman is an actor.

We're telling her exactly what to say.

What I would like to do is to get your account

Exactly what was happening on April 6, 2015.

We play these, like, little games on the show.

Could you speak up just a little bit? I can't quite--go ahead.

Yeah, we were playing, you know,

A childish game where you steal someone's nose.

I tried to steal it from the statue I think,

Yeah. And that was basically it.

I'm not even sure if I touched it, but...

Let's move to the tape.

Let's take a look at this.

Q: Oh, here you go.

Murr: He's going for the little--

Oh, no, he's gonna break the statue, I swear.

Boom!

I got your nose, bitch!

[jokers laughing on recording]

You know, I know that you think it's funny,

But you trespassed on federal property,

And you're making a joke of it.

It's crazy--

Ok. No problem.

[jokers laughing]

Do you understand the possibilities

Of what can happen in this?

No. No, I don't think so.

Do you always get a permit?

Yes.

I don't think that getting a permit is

Going to be something you're gonna be able to do for some time.

Are you serious? Yeah. So...

Anyway, that's all I have right now.

We'll be in touch, all right?

So sal is showing up at a park thinking

We're filming a challenge today.

However, "impractical jokers" is getting shut down today,

Our permit to shoot revoked for the entire summer.

And whose fault was it?

Sal's!

Intro. Intro. Intro.

Are they played by real...

Murr: Is this me here? You're on this end, murr.

Sal, go to the other end.

You're--you got to be away from the light.

These are our marks, boys.

Hold on. Hold on one second.

Agent: Can we speak to him, please?

Sal: What is this?

Salvatore vulcano?

Sal: What is this?

Salvatore vulcano?

Agent sullivan. In 15 minutes,

You guys are all gonna have to clear out of here.

You have to close it down.

Sal: Oh. Ok.

Yes. Go talk with them.

And so they're taking away our entire filming permit for the city.

For the city? For the city.

Our productions are being shut down.

Sal: It doesn't make any sense.

This is part of a production that I was just in.

Why aren't they going after the production?

Because you were the one who was physically on the statue,

And I was the one who on tape gave permission.

It's almost so ridiculous that

I want to be like [bleep] to them,

You know what I mean?

It's so stupid.

She got us, man.

I don't know if we get danny passman or...

[laughter]

Woman: Remember me?

[laughter]

[bleep] you!

You [bleep]!

What is that?

Q: That's the longest punishment

In the history of "impractical jokers."

That was the worst thing I've ever had to do

In my entire life. Joe: Ha ha!