Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, why is murr getting snippy?

You did this yourself, hopper!

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Will joe unleash the fury?

Put them in a ziploc bag!

[ laughter ]

Narrator: And which losing joker will drop the hammer

In tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Murr: They won't let us use swords no more.

Today we're working as office managers

Looking to hire a new security guard.

While showing them around, we're going to bring them

Through some weird rooms and strange happenings

That have been set up by the other guys.

The goal is to get them to accept a security job

Despite all the ridiculous things

That are going to happen during the tour.

If the candidate turns this job down,

You lose.

The name of this show could be "strange happenings."

-Here we go. -How are you?

Are you here for a temp job? Yeah.

I'm james murray. Very nice to meet you.

Thanks for the help. So, you know,

I'll give you the lay land where our offices are located.

One of the ground rules... -"there's no hot soup in there."

Is that there is no hot soup in this office.

Wave your hand around your face for obvious reasons.

You know, for obvious reasons.

[ laughter ]

I'll show you around a little bit,

Murr, "this is an employee perk.

Come and have a look."

One of the employee perks is in here.

Woman: ...Alone in the castle and took them

Clean away!

Joe: Sit down for story time, murr.

Woman: "the the king --" [ jokers laughing ]

"boom, boom, boom, boom!"

Q: Murr, be into the story.

"and then he heard a very big roar!"

[ murr gasps ]

Q: Look at him, look at him, look at him!

"and the kingdom was safe."

All right, that's enough of that, let's go.

"the kitty cat came in -- now..."

So if you want to join, it's up to you.

She's there eight hours a day.

[ laughter ]

The office where you'll be sitting --

Q: Speed-walk to the office, murr, speed-walk.

The office you'll be sitting. I think it's right over here.

Hopper, how are you? I'm owen.

Q: He's one of our producers.

Now just fire hopper in front of him

Because he's -- he's replacing.

Uh...One thing.

You're fired, owen's taking your place, if you could.

What for? "this is about the copier paper."

This is about the copier paper.

Joe: Hopper, say, "sure," and point out

That you have long hair and he doesn't.

What else would me firing you be about?

I think it has to do with something with the hair.

[ owen exhales, jokers laugh ]

-This is great. -"before you go,

I'm going to need to keep that hair."

Before you go, though, I'm going to need to

Keep that hair.

Hopper, say fine and sit down.

-Fine. -Murr, there's scissors

In front of hopper's desk right there.

Just cut off his ponytail at the ponytail.

What are you doing?! ...Cut his hair off!

He's really gonna cut hopper's hair?

Yeah, I've been working on this joke for a year and a half.

Can I do that? Yeah, go 'head.

[ joe laughing ] I --

No!

I want you understand, I don't feel right doing this!

I don't feel right watching this.

-You can do this. -You heard it, owen.

Q: Oh, it's my favorite hair, don't do it!

Oh, gosh, I hate -- oh, god.

You -- you did this to yourself, hopper!

You did it to yourself!

Not hopper's beautiful hair!

You did this to yourself, hopper.

Not hopper's beautiful hair!

Look at the kid!

Oh, hopper, you grew it so long!

-Ugh... -Now you can leave.

[ laughter ]

You're fired.

Take your shit and get out.

[ laughter ]

Murr, start holding his hair on your scalp like it --

Like it's -- like it's a toupee.

What's that?

[ laughter ]

So anyways, copier, phones, you hit 9 to get out.

-This is embarrassing! -Email...

[ laughing ] "so, do you want the job?"

So what do you think, owen, do you want the job?

Great, great, great.

I'm going to take off now.

I have to go update my tinder profile.

[ laughter ]

Wow.

♪♪

[ ding! ] [ jokers laughing ]

-All right, joey! -Hey, man!

-Hey, how's it going? -What's your name?

-Kyle. -Kyle? Joe. Good to see you, buddy.

"loved you in 'blood sport'."

I loved you in "blood sport."

-Yeah. -Yeah! You get that --

Were you?!

So I'll walk you through the layout real quick.

It's not -- it's not super hard.

Joe, I want you to keep forgetting the names

Of very simple things

And just forgetting until he guesses.

Once you come through these...

Once you come through the, uh...

Doors, that's right.

You come through the doors, this here...

-Keep forgetting words. -And the only other thing

You have to watch, the only other access is, uh...

This thing that goes up and down.

Okay, got you.

What is it? What goes up and down?

This thing, it's escaping me. What's --

Elevator! Thank you, thank you. Just the elevator.

And then in case there's an emergency,

Don't take that, you take the thing -- the, uh --

Stairs. Yes, stairs, that's right.

This is a room that they use, that there's a sperm bank.

What's the actual company? What do they do?

Well, the company's interesting, they get into everything --

"mostly sperm."

I don't know how to really say it any other way.

They get their hands in everything, mostly sperm.

So this is the bank part of it. Yeah.

Ask him if he topped off today.

Feel free -- I mean, they offer services too

If you didn't top off today. Okay.

I know a lot of guys jump in.

[ laughter ]

Okay, this lounge is normally closed.

You got to unlock the room, bro, show him what's in there.

We got the keys here for it.

Joe, start misusing words now,

Like you're trying to get this vehicle open.

I'm just trying get this vehicle unlocked.

I apologize, I can't find the right balloon

For the refrigerator.

Okay, so great, I'm going to open this up.

Q: Let him into the it department.

So this is the it department and just every hour

You're just going to -- right, you're going to come in...

This is the guy who's going to be working with us today.

This is keene. He's runs the it department,

Q: He's boarded up and chained to the desk.

And he's just -- we just make sure he stays in here.

Joe, give him some water from the hallway, buddy!

And then we just fill this up for him.

[ gasping excitedly ]

Here you go.

It's important for him to stay hydrated,

So make sure you give them some of the, uh...

Joe, ask him how the firewall is

And then, keene, say the fed's still trying to get in.

Yeah. How's the firewall?

The feds, they're still trying to get in.

Okay, all right.

Uh, let's see, what else?

"they won't let us use swords no more."

Swords are out, they don't want to use swords in here anymore.

They used to have -- because it was a fencing club.

-Oh, okay. -Q: "speaking of swords,

Did I show you the sperm bank?"

Speaking of swords, did I show you the sperm bank?

Yeah, you showed me. I showed you that.

I forget. -Did you top off today?

I forgot if you topped off today.

No, I'm good. Good. Okay, great.

Q: "you want the job?" what do you think.

You like the job, you alright?

All right, good.

All right, I'll be in my office.

I'm gonna go top off.

Just gonna top off.

Toppin' off!

[ ding! ]

Q: Oh, oh, oh, here we go.

Hi, sir, are you...

Buzz! My name is sal.

Buzz. Buzz, it's buzz.

I'm going to show you around.

So basically what they're looking for

Is a security guard sal...

Take him through all the steps to stop an intruder.

I doubt you'll see a single thing.

But if someone comes in inebriated,

If force is necessary,

You're just going to hit on top and a chop --

Chop in the bottom, something like that;

You'd probably just detain them, just throw them down.

"but incapacitate, don't kill."

But incapacitate them, don't kill them.

[ muttering ]

[ jokers laughing ]

Sal, point out the plaque on the wall --

You see that plaque on the wall next to the door?

Ah, so, um...

This is one of my best friends ever, sam.

-Q: Aka dan cast. -Murr: Dan cast!

He hired me, he passed last year, he choked.

Yeah. So we just keep it up here because he's our buddy.

But anyway, so you'll have your own office,

There's wifi.

[ jokers laughing ]

Not usually.

[ laughing ]

Here, this is a break room.

If you want to take a break, you...

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.

[ jokers laughing ]

Y-you have access to this if you want.

That's okay. Okay.

[ laughing ]

So this is where you'll be staying today.

Come on in.

Hey, sal, remember that ham and cheese I put in your pocket?

Take a bite. -You get a lunch break.

Uh...I eat on the fly, but...

Was that in your pocket, sal?

I had nowhere to put it.

[ jokers laughing ]

His face is amazing!

In case you need a pager, they'll give you a pager.

All right, sal, here comes dan cast, just ignore him.

I guarantee you right now, no matter who you --

Who your cell phone carrier is right now,

You do not have service in here.

It's just a dead zone completely.

[ jokers laughing ] so, let me see, I'm...

That's the ghost of sam givens.

And this is the scope of what you'll be doing rounds on.

Sal, bring it in. Have a seat.

Bring it in for second.

If you have any questions, just let me know.

Q: Here he goes, here's sam givens.

Here's another trick that no one knows --

If you like to wet your beak a bit,

Sometimes people forget change in the vending machine.

Q: Don't laugh, dan cast! Don't you laugh, dan cast!

Sal: And if you want to go in there and check it out

Because the vending machine is broken.

So if you put like four quarters...

Joe: Just stand there, dan.

Q: Yeah, just stand -- oh!

Dan...

Dan, slowly turn around.

Slowly.

Joe: And just walk straight back.

[ jokers laughing ]

Murr: Slowly walk back.

Sal: ...And you can enter it and take the money.

-Stop. -Dan, don't pay attention to him!

You're a ghost.

You don't -- you don't have to pay for the --

"who?" "who?"

Who?

She's megan. I saw megan.

Yeah. Who's the guy walking around

With no expression on his face?

Murr: Sal, you don't know what he's talking about.

I -- I -- maybe I -- point him out.

I mean... [ stammering ]

[ jokers laughing ]

And that's it, I mean, that's really basically it.

"so you're good to take the job?"

Do you want to take the job here or do you --

[ jokers cheering and applauding ]

Pulled that out! I thought buzz had your number.

That's how you do it, boys.

[ ding! ]

Joe: Here we go, here we go!

Hey, how's it going, man? Brian.

-Julian. -Julian, all right.

Nice to meet you, man.

Great. Welcome.

Okay, now walk him into that office.

So this is the office.

Sal: "are polish jokes funny or not funny?"

[ joe and murr laughing ]

"what if tina turner was polish," right?

Murr: What is going on?!

Joe: Okay, now walk him into that office.

So this is the office.

Sal: Are polish jokes funny or not funny?

What if tina turner was polish, right?

I think it would be funnier.

Murr: Is that sal teaching polish jokes?

[ joe and murr laughing ]

You know the one about the polish fire drill,

We covered polish recipes.

[ joe and murr laughing ]

Hi, guys. Sorry, I was just showing julian

The office and stuff. Please, go about your business.

Now, we talked about this at length the last time.

Joe: Look at the guy's face! [ laughing ]

"polack," is it okay to say anymore? We don't know.

He's saying "polack," what's gonna happen here?

Come on.

So, yeah. So over here, uh...

Q, explain the "every man for himself"

Emergency evacuation plan.

So, um, good thing about this is if there's a fire

Or any sort of emergency thing,

You just take care of yourself. You get right out.

"everybody's been trained."

Everybody's been trained to do the same.

No one's coming to save you.

[ laughing ]

It's 2021, everyone wanted to be equal.

You get yourself out of a fire.

Q, you heard something down the hall.

Did you hear like a -- like a -- like a wheel?

No. The janitor's...

You hate them. Goddamn janitors that work here?

-Yeah. -They're the worst.

[bleep].

I don't know what it is about them, okay?

But it's me versus them. All right?

"it's us versus them." well, now it's us versus them.

[ laughter ]

I hate them janitors in this [bleep] place.

Joe: Swing up on your right hand side,

You'll see the obscenities wall.

This is the obscenities wall.

This is how you vent if you if you're angry,

Or something upset -- this is why it it's here.

So, um... "no dicks."

What's that? "no dicks."

Yeah. That's the number one rule.

[ laughter ]

Yeah. See? That's a rule breaker, right there.

Q, get the guy to write a curse word.

I want you to, uh... Take a shot.

-Take a shot. -Take a shot. Yeah, yeah.

What about [long bleep].

[ laughter ]

This guy is hired!

Nice.

I like to write [bleep] janitor.

And that'll piss them off.

Q, on that table is a coffee mug

To take a sip and just throw the mug on the ground.

Oh, I hate those guys, you'll know when you see them,

They -- they're -- they're like...

What is that? Oh, it's just water.

It's just my water. Oh.

Yeah.

♪♪

You know who's got to clean that up?

The janitor.

[ laughter ]

Hey, q, head to the room down the hall.

Man: Everything must go, quick!

They said they're going to get here in three minutes,

Get rid of everything, get rid of everything

That can link us! -Hey, guys?

Is everything alright in here? Yeah, we're -- we're fine.

Print faster! Quick!

Yell at stella to eat the paper.

Eat the paper! Eat it!

[ jokers laughing ]

He's eating the paper.

The feds are coming in through the firewall!

The feds are coming in through the firewall!

[ laughter ]

All right, apparently, this is an active crime scene.

Firewall!

Okay, we're gonna go, guys. Good luck.

[ laughter ]

Basically what I've shown you

Is the most fun place ever to work.

So I can only imagine that you're going to

Take this job. Dude, yeah, hell yeah.

[ murr cheering ]

Sal: Did we make it too fun?!

Narrator: Put out a wanted ad, all positions are open

On the loser board.

Today, joe and sal are playing eccentric artists,

Living in this gorgeous house with this stunning balcony.

Beneath this stunning balcony will be workers

That we've hired to assist the artist.

The catch is, these absurd characters have

Been created by the other guys. The goal is to do

And say whatever you're told while in character.

If you refuse, you lose.

Why us two? Why anything?

♪♪

Sal: So, these guys are here and they're working on a project

For the artist in this house.

Both: Joe is the artist. Q: This is the character.

Oh, there he is.

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god. He's johnny from "karate kid."

The hair is amazing.

You straight up look like cobra kai!

[ grunting, jokers laughing ]

I just hit myself with this!

He tapped his own balls!

Joe, start incorrectly quoting cobra kai.

Sweep the foot!

Put 'em in a ziploc bag!

[ laughter ]

"wax on, jerk off."

[ jokers laughing ]

Wax on...

Jack off.

[ gong reverberates, jokers laughing ]

♪♪

-Wow! -Whoa!

Joe! He's got some sick moves.

He's been working out.

[ joe grunting ]

Joe, let it fly over the balcony and have 'em throw it up to you.

[ grunting ] oh, [bleep].

Little help? -Yep.

Sorry, a little help, guys.

I didn't realize you were still here.

-No, you're good. -Thanks.

Nice to meet you, man. -Nice to meet you, too.

I'm the artist in residence.

I don't know if you heard -- oh, great throw, thank you.

Sal: Joe's natural athleticism kicked in there.

"keep your eyes open, I hid a baby out there."

Okay, just keep an eye out, though, I hid a baby out there.

Joe, walk the balcony with a gong,

Like in a ceremonial way.

[ gong chiming ]

"hadouken!"

Hadouken.

Sal: He's cracking up! They're cracking up!

[ gong chiming ]

Hadouken.

"you guys got girlfriends?"

You guys got girlfriends?

Yes, actually, I went on my first date last night.

"ooh! Hadouken!"

Oh, hadouken!

It was a great date.

"did you finish her?"

[ laughter ]

Did you finish her? [ gong chimes ]

[ laughter ]

"I wish you guys were dating my daughter."

[ laughter ]

How old, uh... How old are you guys?

I'm 20, he's 25.

20, 25? Yeah? Yeah.

I wish you guys would date my daughter.

I don't think I've ever heard of a dad ever say that.

No, the guy -- the guy she's with now,

I'm not a big fan of. -Have an honest conversation

With them in the middle of all the training.

Did you guys hit traffic on the way here?

-Oh, well -- -it was only 45 minutes.

Forty five?!

Did you guys carpool?

We should we should have! We should we should have!

Carpool power elbow! You should've carpooled.

Yah! Phew!

That was a good leg kick. Thanks.

Yeah, I've been doing it since I'm 20.

You started doing karate at 20,

But you didn't hadouken till 30.

Started when I was 20...

My first hadouken wasn't until I was 30.

"I've had dozens of hadoukens by this point."

I've had dozens of hadoukens since.

[ laughing ] "hadoukens"!

Just show 'em your moves now, joe.

None of you guys have ever practiced martial arts?

I haven't.

Well, you know, this -- this is a move.

This place looks really cool.

Like on the -- I'm not done with the moves.

I'm not doing the moves.

Side chop, vertical chop -- that's a move.

Under chop. -"under chop"?

"pork chop." -pork chop.

Applesauce!

[ shouting indistinctly ]

[ laughter ]

Hadouken!

[ ding! ]

Q: All right, here we go.

Joe: Okay, here comes sal.

Sal: This is ridiculous, what you put me in.

Oh, there he is!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Okay, here comes sal.

Sal: This is ridiculous, what you put me in.

Oh, there he is!

[ laughter ]

You look good in a floppy hat, man!

And he's in a wrestling t-shirt, by the way.

I know what you want from me.

That's it!

Sally dearest, get out there.

[ laughter ]

Sal, just yell, "acknowledge me!"

[ sal groans ]

[ jokers laughing ]

-Hello? Acknowledge me. -Hi there.

[ laughter ]

Hello. How are you? Thank you for your help.

"it's hard to get good help these days."

It's hard to get good help these days.

"so many people steal."

So many people come and steal.

-Joe: "or worse..." -or worse...

-"they're ugly." -they're ugly.

[ titters ]

[ jokers laugh ]

"I've got a query!"

Query, ladies, query! -Yes?

-I have a query. -Do you ladies know how to

Get sand out of body holes?

[ laughter ] sal!

[ laughter ]

[ laughing ]

[ jokers laughing, clapping ]

Does anyone know how to get sand out of body holes?

[ laughter ]

Murr: She just repeated it!

Sal, charge out and just go, "purple and pony tail,

Does anybody want 100 stuffed peppers?"

Query! Purple and pony tail,

Does anyone want 100 stuffed peppers?

Yes! Please! That would be lovely!

I'll speak with someone -- have the sort of day you deserve!

Eduardo! Prepare the peppers, please.

Eduardo, downstairs with peppers.

[ laughter ]

"I used the summer in macaroon with andy warhol."

Raise your hand if you summered in macaroon with andy warhol.

-Really? Yes.

Working on a biography now.

"my grandmother gave handies on the titanic

To earn her passage!"

My grandmother gave handies on the titanic

To earn her passage!

"the ship wasn't is the only thing that went down!"

The ship wasn't the only thing that went down.

Ooh! Chapter six!

[ laughter ]

This is so dumb!

"I once took truman capote, as a lover."

"I was 16, it was frowned upon."

[ laughter ]

Joe: Yes!

I will not! I will not.

[ buzzer ]

Sal, we just checked the scoreboard,

You lost the episode.

Okay? -Don't -- don't -- don't --

What do you going to do?

All have to do is go downstairs

And destroy what they've been working on.

Oh!

Murr: They've been here -- they've been here for an hour!

Oh, my god!

Oh!

Sal, we just checked the scoreboard,

You lost the episode.

[ laughter ] okay?

All you have to do is go downstairs

And destroy what they've been working on.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

They've been here -- they've been here for an hour!

Oh, my god!

-Oh! -Sal: Oh, god. I can't --

Check the [bleep] scoreboard again.

[ laughter ]

We did it.

I only got one thing to say:

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh!

I mean, what are you waiting for?

It's a punishment, get in there!

Murr: Why are you stallin', bud?

Query! Query!

"what color are you painting that?"

Dolls, what color are you painting?

Uh... The stain is clear.

"clear? You see, my hand has been forced!"

[ laughter ]

Clear, you say, yes? Yes.

It's definitely clear.

You've forced my hand.

What's that?

-Storm out. -Go inside,

We're gonna do one more touch up,

And then you're going to go downstairs

And just break the things.

[ laughter, suspenseful music ]

Q: Here it goes.

-Hello. -There he is.

I'm so sorry, but...

[ sighs, jokers laughing ]

The mascara on him!

It's not what I need.

Please back away, please back away.

Woman: Okay, we will.

Sal: You guys have to let me go, this isn't fair.

-Oh, come on. -The punishment's just started.

Start smashing.

Aah!

Murr: Oh, no!

You forced me to do this.

[ q laughing ]

"I'm beside myself with emotion!"

I'm beside myself with emotion!

"clear!"

A clear coat?! What am I, some sort of bastard?!

[ laughing ]

Keep going. Oh, my god.

Murr: You're not done yet. That's just one.

Back away, you sauce pots!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Keep going!

How dare thee, I say! How dare thee?!

I once bedded truman capote!

[ laughter ]

I also don't like this at sal!

[ laughter ]

What has my career become?!

[ laughter ]

[bleep] season goddamn nine!

I -- I've had enough!

[ laughter ]

-Wow! -Well done, gentlemen!

Well done!

The peppers will be right out.

Sal, stop! Turn around.

Everyone at home, screen-shot that!

That's the real punishment!

-Thanks, buddy! -Post that!

[ laughter ]

That's gonna be on t-shirts around the world!

[ laughter ]