Original subtitles

Today on 'Culture Club',

'The Mutiny on the Bounty, part seven'.

Captain Bligh and most of the loyalists, including myself,

were forced onto a small rowboat.

Then, the treacherous mutineers

sailed back to a tropical island full of semi-naked women,

for no fathomable reason.

As midshipman,

I gathered a handful of young, girthy privates.

And I assigned them

to scrub the excrement.

Scrub harder, Private!

Ah, Katherine, there is no more pivotal moment

in Australian history

than the mutiny on the 'Bounty'.

Apart from everything before that

and everything after that.

- Uh... Hmm. - It says 'Mum'.

And there's a photo of you being suffocated by a woman

with her arms.

That's called a hug, Miranda.

You know they named a chocky bar after the 'Bounty'?

- Did they? Is it good? - Nah.

Got a bunch of missed calls from Mel.

Yes, so do I, but I can't deal with Mum today.

Uh, Katherine, how envious everyone is of your ears

to hear this story for the first time.

The first time of many.

Kate!

Sean!

I know you're in there!

Boo.

- Mum! - Wow, what a nice surprise.

What are you doing here?

Well, what do you expect?

You don't answer my calls or texts,

but thank the ancestors,

Sean left his Find My Phone on.

- Hi, Sean. - Hi, Mel.

Come here, baby girl.

- Mmm! - Mm.

Oh, wow. Look at this.

Ooh!

Feel that? You smoked the place yet?

- Yes. - Uhh...

- Of course, Mum. Yeah, we did. - Yeah.

Red river gum, red box, or narrow-leaf peppermint?

- Ye... yeah. All good. - She...

Yeah.

Oh, you make me so proud.

How many people you reckon might have died here, then?

- None. - A...a few?

- A few, I guess, yeah. - A few, maybe.

Well, 29, technically.

Although, 17 have been sucked off.

Hm!

Um, it wasn't Dad, actually.

It was Great-Uncle Alan.

Alfred.

Bloody dog, your father was.

Left me nothing but cold sores.

Cold sores and me.

Of course, Katie-Koala-Kaka-Bum!

Come here and let me bust you up, my darlin'.

- Ohhh. - Uh, excuse me, Kate.

Take a seat, Mum.

I have old sores too.

We know.

Uh, sorry we missed your call, Mel.

We've been busy with the renos.

I can see that. Real busy.

With a sledgehammer.

Who wants a cuppa?

As long as it's Bushells, and don't low-tide me.

As if I've ever low-tided anyone.

What do you think that is?

Sorry, sorry. Um, big cups. Sorry.

I'll just, um, uh...

You never be making me a cuppa.

That's because you're dead. You can't even drink.

Still, nice to be offered. Ugh!

OK.

What's taking so long?

Your mother's able-bodied.

Have her hand out refreshments.

I haven't finished telling you my story about the 'Bounty'.

Uh, sorry, Mum.

I'm just gonna take care of something.

I'll just be one second.

Sean, can you just do this for...? Thank you.

I'll just be one moment. Thank you.

- Out of here. - Splendid.

Now, you'll be interested to know

that Bligh, the famed navigator,

turned to me constantly for assistance.

How many tea bags, Mel? One or...

What, two?

After that drive, it's five.

Yeah?

I hope that poop bowl's been cleaned.

I gave it a good wipe, so I did.

OK, listen up, everyone.

For the ongoing adventures of the 'Bounty'.

- Satan, hit the deck. - Yep.

No, not that.

For this weekend only, you can watch TV

for as long as you'd like.

Binge your dead little hearts out. Go on.

Just please, please do not bother me around my mum.

Yeah?

Because if she finds out there's spirits here,

she'll assume that you're evil.

How am I evil?

I'm closing the gap in your cultural education.

And that, everybody, is why he is a martini olive.

Anyway, back to the point.

She will make me move home.

Which means that you will all

go back to being eternally bored.

Thank you, Eileen.

- OK. Satan? - What?

You're in charge, Private.

No, I don't want to be in charge.

Uh... OK.

Um...

Well, we could watch 'Two Hands' or 'Romper Stomper' or, um...

What's that there with a haggard mammy and wee ones and boxes?

'OctoMum: Me & My 14 Kids'. Oh.

That sounds traumatic.

But that's me! I'm an OctoMum.

Finally, the Holy Father's throwing me a bone.

G'wan. Push the button for 'OctoMum'.

'OctoM...' No.

Maybe we could watch something

a bit more fun for everyone.

'Grease'. No, no, no. 'Grease 2'.

No. 'Grease'.

Attention!

Good, Private.

Now, go to Documentary.

Yes, boss. Documentary.

There! The 'Paths of Bath'.

A glorious meander down the laneways of my home town.

There we go.

The cobblestone paths of Bath are...

I hate it!

Is it all paths?

Kill me now.

- Beautiful cobblestones. - Gorgeous.

Yes! Oh, the texture.

Sublime.

Still can't make a bed, eh, bub?

Because you always did it for me, Mum.

I made your bed so you had time

for more important things,

like being a lawyer and fighting for change.

I wasn't saving the world, Mum.

I worked 70 hours a week

to help big companies

eat little companies.

I worked two jobs, plus my art,

to pay for the degree that you're not even using.

It was a nothing job, Mum.

I was the token blackfella

they could use on their annual report.

Then use them back as a stepping stone.

Go corporate.

Set yourself up and then, boom, your legal aid era.

I suppose this is what you call cultural appropriation.

What do you want from me?

To make the most of your talent.

The others have turned mutinous.

Instead of making beds for a living.

They are blocking the television

and I simply must know why they chose bluestone

to cobble the hobble on Bobbleberry Way.

- Stop! - Stop what?

Caring about my baby girl?

Sorry.

I just, um... I just need to take care of something.

Where are you goin'?

We're having a good yarn.

Move! If the boss says we're watching 'Paths of Bath',

then we're watching 'Paths of Bath'.

Satan!

Do something more!

Oi!

Sit down.

Down. In your seats. Hurry up. Come on.

..utter delight to all who will have the...

Four sweaty strangers

in one sweaty sauna

and things get steamy.

This is 'Hotbox'.

What on earth is that?

It's a Swedish reality show.

It's called 'Hotbox'

and everyone's obsessed with it.

Filthy.

The Swedes are nothing but

a bunch of fornicating naked pagans.

Why are they so... wet?

They're stuck in a sauna until they hook up or dehydrate.

There's, like, 12 seasons. You're gonna love it, yeah?

So Karin did sex with Sven,

which is crazy

because she doesn't even find him...

- Look at their perky... - Hair.

Yes, their perky... hair.

I don't want to watch 'Hotbox'.

Gideon, what's the problem?

The only thing I wish to see exquisitely laid

is moist cobblestone.

OK, I'll get the iPad ready.

There. Happy?

No, I don't want this tiny life raft.

I want control of the original vessel.

Sit down. Down.

Following three years of severe rain...

Satan, come hither.

I refuse to endure this indignity alone.

Alright, orders are orders.

Move, Munch!

Excuse me, Lindy, I've just got to sit next to the boss.

There's a good boy.

- Satan. - Yeah?

You know, if you don't stand up to him,

it's never going to change, yeah?

Now I've got to go bleach the toilet for my mother.

Oh. Um...

You on Marketplace?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just trying to offload

some of Great-Uncle Alfred's old stuff.

$300.

Oh, don't know if anyone's gonna pay that for that.

- Vintage? - Ah.

- Non-smoker. - Hm.

Blak-owned? A capital B-L-A-K?

Great-Uncle Alfred was actually white.

- It's Kate's now, isn't it? - Yep.

Buyers are desperate for anything Blak-adjacent.

Oh, maybe with your art.

But an old chair with a bum dent?

Barangaroo's bum dent.

Really?

It is now.

I am so hot.

I am hotter.

You are far less hot than me.

I am hotter and I will prove it.

She took her temperature and it turns out she was.

Bad enough your bodies have rotted.

Now this filth is rotting your minds.

Who wants to leave the sauna and go-go naked in the snow, ja?

I do.

But not with you.

I did want to leave, but not with Sven.

Ah!

After the break...

Watch this, not that.

Those two are just bosom friends.

They can't possibly 'hook up', as they say.

Miranda, women can be with women.

Because they are in sauna, which is actually...

Pardon?

They're called lesbians.

Holy Father and Mother Mary,

gouge me eyes out with burning sticks!

But real lesbians don't look like that.

Real lesbians look like, um...

- ...Satan. - Huh?

And they don't really like saunas.

They like things like rescue dogs and protesting.

What do they protest for?

For their rights.

What kind of rights?

Their rights to party.

Hm! See? What did I tell you?

This is... this is really

the traditional way to say thanks?

Feels right to me, bub. Aww!

G'wan, the blazes!

Ooh, that's good.

You've done alright for yourself, eh, boy?

Free mansion falling into your lap?

I'm not on the title or anything.

All this peace and quiet...

Artists like me, we crave fresh landscapes.

New vibes, new skies.

- Quietness can be overrated. - Hm.

City's not the same since Kate left.

For so long, it was just me and her.

We were a team.

And now there's you, right in the middle.

What's going on here, then?

I cleaned all that but yesterday.

Yes, and I really appreciate your invisible dusting, Eileen,

but my mum appreciates clean grout.

For heaven's sake, has this woman been canonised?

You're here scrubbing the tub.

Sean's in there grinding her trotters.

What?

Kate.

Hey.

So, um...

I've done something that you may not appreciate at first,

but in fact, I think you'll find it's actually rather beautiful.

- What did you do to Mum? - What? Nothing.

Wait, who's in here?

Uh, it doesn't matter. Nothing.

- Nothing to you, am I? - What happened, Sean?

Uh, it was just a purely traditional foot rub.

What?

And then I asked her to move in with us.

- What?! - I know, I know, I know.

But we have eight bedrooms, Kate.

Six are filled with ghosts.

Should be filled with children.

I think she's just lonely.

I don't care.

I don't want to live with my mum, Sean.

I'm 30 years old.

I just want to be a normal person

and live with my man and my ghosts.

She's unpacking her car.

Lovely. Great.

You realise this was her plan all along?

She has guilt-tripped you into this.

'Guilt-tripped'?

She didn't guilt-trip me, Kate.

She just mentioned that I should feel bad

about inheriting this house

and muscling my way in the middle of you two.

Then she called me 'bub' and her feet were in my hands,

and, oh, my God, she did guilt-trip me.

Wait, all this time I could have been using my tales of woe

to get things.

It's not your fault, Sean.

Mum knows that you're an easy target.

I'll sort it out. Yep.

Mayday! Mayday!

The life raft has gone down.

That's it. No more 'Hotbox'.

We're going back to 'Paths of Bath'.

It's time to overthrow the dastardly mutineers.

Do we have to, boss? I mean, they look really happy.

How dare you defy me, Private!

I order you to capsize their vessel.

The girls are hooking up

and I'm boiling alone, like a sad little frankfurt.

Well... well, then no-one can watch anything.

I'd sooner never see another 'Path of Bath'

than let the traitors win.

Attack!

Mmm!

That TV's dead! After I go psych myself up.

Where are you going, man?

You're supposed to go down with the ship!

So is this any good?

What have I missed?

Lesbians.

Give 'em a chop. Get 'em ready for the sauce.

I don't care how you chop 'em up.

That's up to you, champignon.

Juice your limes into the bowl.

While you're cooking, champion.

Consider this.

We all know people who can be controlling and manipulative,

whether it be family, mates or someone at work.

If people are constantly bossing you around

and taking advantage of you,

it's time to introduce boundaries

and voice your feelings out loud, mate.

Voice my feelings out loud?

Mate, just how much lime juice?

I stand firm in my worth.

I stand firm in my worth.

The only boss of me is me.

The only boss of me...

...is me.

In goes a quarter of a cup of lime juice.

- Oh. - While I've got ya.

Don't forget to like and subscribe and all that stuff.

Mum, we need to talk about this whole moving-in thing.

Don't worry. It's all sorted.

I've unpacked, got my art stuff, all settled in.

Wow, that's a lot of stuff you've brought.

Come here.

I've been working on something special I wanna show you.

The brown represents the river out back.

The black is for you, and I'll put some white in for Sean.

See this line here, bub?

Mm-hm.

It's me, because now I'm here,

watching over you both forever.

Mmm.

When is it you'll be kicking her out, then?

It's, um... It's really beautiful, Mum.

Stay as long as you want.

That woman's a genius.

I'm not here to sex,

but to be clear, I'm also not here not to not sex.

OK, change of plan.

I need you to haunt my mum out of this house,

because if I kick her out, it's gonna break her heart.

So I need you all to do it for me.

Katherine, can't you see

I'm in the middle of a mutinous revenge?

But... hang on.

I'm giving you the opportunity to be your worst selves,

to do the ghosty thing - you love that.

Gideon, you can be in charge.

You can lead the whole mission. -No, thank you.

Lindy, you can do the buh-buh thing, right?

- With the flickering lights. - Maybe later.

Come on, guys. You're ghosts.

Be ghosts!

Maybe being trapped in a sauna with semi...

You know what? I'll just do it myself, then.

Thank you so much. Thank you for nothing.

Great work.

Katherine is being such a cow right now.

- Oh, my God. Yes! - Yes!

Yeah, you know,

I'm just gonna tell her I made a terrible mistake.

No, you can't do that, because then she'll hate you forever,

and then I will have to break up with you

just to get some peace.

- Terrible. - Have you seen Satan anywhere?

The poltroon has abandoned ship.

Oh, so you wanna help now?

Really, Katherine?

Ghost face?

Whoa.

And? Helpful ghost?

- No. - Oh.

I mean, even if she doesn't recognise your face,

surely she's gonna recognise your... your gait, Kate.

She's just gonna go, "Kate gait."

Mum, quick!

I heard something in the hallway,

something creepy and weird.

Stay behind me.

It's the lady of the manor.

I heard she was murdered.

I knew you didn't smoke this place.

Well, I was going to eventually.

It's probably a chancer from Marketplace.

What? No.

Yes, it happens.

You swap a few DMs, you give 'em the address.

No, but look,

that doesn't look like someone from Marketplace.

It looks like someone from beyond the grave.

Oi, you!

Mum, Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum, she looks evil. Don't.

- Ghost! Get back here. - Mum, stop! Mum!

Oi! Where do you think you're going?

Hang on.

Just pay for it, you cheapskate!

Mum, wait!

Ohh!

What? Sean?

That's not Sean! That's not Sean.

A spooky little ghost.

Mmm. Yeah.

So you made your man dress up like an old woman

to haunt me out of this house.

It does sound weird when you put it like that, yeah.

- Do you hate me that much? - No! Mum, I love you.

You know that. You know that I love you.

I just don't wanna be judged all day, every day. You know?

I get enough of that already.

From Sean?

No, no. Sean's great.

So all that burnout stuff wasn't just the job?

I felt like I was disappointing you all the time.

Bub, you could never!

Then why do you act like it?

Because I know that I disappoint you.

I just want you to know that you're capable of big things.

Yeah, but chasing those big things,

it doesn't give me much time to just be me, you know?

Psst. Kate.

The TV is asking if we're still watching 'Hotbox'.

And I know you're busy being a disappointment to your mum.

- But we are... - ...still...

- ...watching... - ...'Hotbox'.

And you see, Astrid just fornicated with Sven,

but he's going steady with Karin,

and Karl's in love with Astrid - thus we need...

What I'm saying is...

...I just need some space to live my life

the way I wanna live it.

And that means I kind of need you to leave.

I think she means us.

No, she's definitely talking to her mum.

I think also it is us.

And if we give Kate some more privacy,

then maybe she'll give us some more 'Hotbox' time.

No, all good, bub.

Mum will be fine.

Don't you worry about me, my Katie-Koala-Kaka-Bum.

Ohh!

Place gave me the creeps anyway.

- Love you, Mum. - Yeah.

Love you too, bub. Ta-ta.

'Bye, Mel.

Thanks for the visit!

Drive safe.

Your money or your life!

Bloody motorised carriages.

Oi.

Oh, good. Yes, it's you.

The mutineers have...

I've got something I wanna say.

Oh, yes?

It's time to introduce some boundaries

and voice my feelings out loud.

I stand firm in my worth.

The only boss of me is me.

And remember,

if you like this video, please, uh, rate and subscribe.

What in blasted hell are you talking about?

I wanna watch the shows that I wanna watch.

If you say that's OK.

Well, one never suspects

the bitter taste of betrayal of one's own seaman.

If only I could say it was for the first time.

Very well. The vessel is yours.

Sick.

Might as well.

You know, I never got to be the boss of anything.

Only myself and the OctoMum

know the true pain of mothering.

The lack of respect, sacrificing of me nethers.

How do I cope day after day after day?

Guess I'll never know.

Did... did you wanna watch 'OctoMum'?

If it's not too much trouble.

It's no trouble at all.

OctoMum was given stitches

for her fifth-degree tear

while birthing another two babies via C-section.

I guess we've got this to look forward to one day.

Yeah. One day.

Two of OctoMum's newborns feed from each mammary

while she burps another...