Original subtitles

Well, happy Valentine's Day, you heartbreakers. Dream makers.

Love takers. Don't you mess around with me. There's nothing too happy about

commemorating the beating and execution of 3rd century Roman Bishop St.

Valentine. You're a bish. Okay, so you're just tossing the mitts and

the haymakers right off the hops, eh, good buddy?

What's your problem with Valentine's?

One more time.

What's your problem with Valentine's?

And just so we're labatt crystal clear, you said...

What's your problem with Valentine's Day?

Let's take a Valentine's out.

You're in the wrong Valentine's zone, pal.

Lover than a dangerous Valentine, dearie? What's your problem? Just

like to have a good time on Valen... Valen... Way to go.

Valentine.

Attaboy. I definitely loves me a thing Valentine's Day. I still makes

Valentines for all my pals.

You know what's grilly, Dan?

That is something that I actually appreciate about you. Well, thank you,

Katie. I plan on giving him out at the speed dating event at the Perth City.

You cannot wait to get sweet at the meet and greet.

A date every three minutes.

Quantity. Seeing as this is most certainly a one -off event and not a

that also falls on some made -up holiday I couldn't give a cat's quiff about,

I'm out.

There's happiness calling my name from the bottom of a bottle of puppers.

Such a poopy pants on Valentine's.

What poor timing.

All right, gents.

Let's get our sexy on.

turnout I have ever had.

Okay.

Welcome to speed dating, everyone.

Have a seat.

Okay.

I'm horny.

Okay, looking this way, please.

host wings, okay? And play peek -a -boo with our special someone -sy.

I am... We are all here today to have a little giggle -ealer that

might turn into a little tickle -ealer and maybe, just maybe,

a little diddle -ealer.

No longer hornies. So, The rules.

Everyone, I want you to sit across from one another. And then every three

minutes, you're going to switch seats.

And get all romantic.

As far as the bar?

Excuse me, sir. With that royal blue language verging on navy blue, we are in

church for some flippin' reason.

So I am going to need you to keep your language to a Maya blue at the very

least. A powder blue.

How to boo?

Yeah, cut the quapel while Mr.

Weigenheimer. Thank you.

Unhelpful? Second, there is no alcohol at this event.

Boo. It is 11 in the morning. Boo.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were dealing with the queen of fraggin'

here. Well, point of order, we all definitely know each other real well.

Half these dipshits were in my grade two class, and I put in extensions for

this. What did I just... Say about keeping the language to a periwinkle

blue. Oh, we're actually married already. So we're just here to do a

run around the bases.

We're two sport players.

Time to spit on the old hands and crank a few.

I'd shake a few balls.

I've got the clap.

Currently. Again?

Again.

I also have the clap.

Again? Again.

We took down the same broad.

Riley, one time me a clapper. So we probably won't be taking anybody down.

Unless there's any bug chasers, which is a thing we saw in Grey's Anatomy. I

just feel like I'm being unfaithful to my dead wife, Barb.

She died.

A bit embarrassing.

I'm just going to say what you're all thinking. Rold gets bit -roasted by Dax

and Ron.

It's the low -hanging fruit, you guys. Dax and Ron, London original Roldy.

I get it.

You're all just thinking, how have those two not double cowgirled the gay skid

yet? How come they're not in the bathroom right now doggy training him?

he's not in a doggy deluxe?

Like, what's the holdup?

Anyhooed Leela!

Oh, look at what the cat dragged in.

Better than what the cat coughed up?

Huh, a customer.

One of my favorite cuts of crime rib at that. Glenn, hurry now.

Better know that you muscled your way into my ship, which I'm covering for

so that she can get her slinky little swerve on at the speed dating event.

Speaking of which, why aren't you partaking in the carousing of St.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

Is that a skid having a beer?

Skid drinking a beer.

No rip?

No rip. Oh, I bet you got him hit under the spare roll of toilet paper in the

bathroom stall as usual.

Stewart!

This Hallmark holiday has enough phony youth for him.

I don't need to add to it by better living through my basement bathtub

chemistry.

Now I could be persuaded to pop a valentine.

Long way to go for that joke.

You want a what, Skid? What shirt, Tucker?

I think you're right with this whole fuck Valentine's Day narrative.

There's no tradition, there's no integrity.

It's a thing I say from time to time.

Love comes from a delicate, genuine place.

Not the seasonal aisle at the drugstore.

Which is a thing I say from time to time.

Hear, hear.

You never find love if you go looking for it.

It's when you're not looking.

When you're not looking.

She's going to let that hang there? You're not going to finish that thought?

Sorry. Okay. Well, being as we are the only two at the bar, shall we grab a

beer?

Or are you just going to sit there catching horseflies with your mouth?

I'd have a beer.

Len, please and thank.

These likely duos and Judith and JT.

What?

All right.

Let's suddenly learn. Okay. Now, I am a professional, and I have noticed

that there are more little boys than little girls. More oysters than

snails. Well, at the very least, it's a good chance for old pal to catch up.

Yeah, good catch with great friends and snackable three -minute intervals.

Fort Mackin. Absolutely, buddy.

What are you two plugs on about?

Well, since we got the clap, we figured we'd work on our flirt game with some

practice. A few hot laps around the rink. Shuffle the line combination, see

works on new rockets in the actual game. Just for now, we got the clap.

Oh, no.

What is the deal?

No, no.

No, we are not here so that you can practice hitting on girls. That is not

my flat rate of $250 is for, is it?

Thought I dickered you down to $225.

Let's start the game.

This is not a game, okay?

This is my job, believer.

What about 2 .30? No, it is not negotiable.

Unless you have cash.

You know, Uncle Eddie always said you put two people across the table from

other with pints in between them, they'll find a common ground.

I'm not sure he ever sat across from a skid, though.

Spare me the rustic aphorisms and let's just enjoy some quiet commiseration.

You catch the game last night? I think I got fucking time for that.

I was joking, Sherp Tucker.

Hockeyfight .com's all you need. Start my day with it every morning. Fucking

throwing hands is the best part anyway, fuck.

Agreed. It injects anarchy into an otherwise bland amalgam of meaningless

athletics and post -game platitudes.

Favorite fighter of all time. Go.

Bobby Probert.

Well, Bray. Current NHL you'd file under. Do not fuck with. Go.

Brian Reed.

The Dano Tara.

Puck is current NHL captain.

Go. Charles still in play? Can't see the finger twice.

Nick Foligno. Jamie Benn.

Glad.

I'd have another beer.

That's good.

I'd have a beer.

Strange things are afoot at Modine's today.

Is everyone sitting across from their new potential bolios and bellilers?

Okay. Ready?

Round one.

Fight. Get over here.

Whoopsie. Finish him.

No!

You are not getting this!

What's with the socks?

They make you faster around the base paths.

I've never really had any problems getting around the bases. You play ball

Jackie and I play shortstop in second base.

We're a great DP combo.

You're real sack mates, eh?

When there's a dribbler coming at us, we like to go around the horn with it. How

are you at the plate?

I'm a switch hitter with a high average from both sides.

Pair me against anyone on either team and I'll at least get to second.

See, we prefer to play on AstroTurf around here because we love a good

box. You should bronze those titties because your bus belongs in Cooperstown.

Bring some pals.

I'm a five -tool player.

Your twelve -to -six curves are making me go from six to twelve.

Why don't you groove me some two -finger heaters down low?

I am going to hit a scorching comeback right to your mound.

Fuck.

Gail? Derry?

I think tonight there's going to be a gale break.

Sure is, Derry Spice.

Why don't we gale to the chief?

You got it, my Derry home companion.

You ever worked on the Gale Road? All the live long dairy.

That's why I can feel the Gale Force winds whooshin' past me. Just happy to

sittin' across from my dairy godmother.

Sup, Luke Robitaille?

Sup.

I mean, Malick?

Sup. You know I'm gay.

Yeah, you smash all sorts of ass. But everyone knows I should stop wasting

people's time and just get... I don't know about the gay lifestyle, though.

wanna spend our time here playing Ask a Gay Dude?

For real?

Fuck yeah, buddy!

Okay, hit me, Craig Janney!

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Look away, Barb.

This is rock bottom.

Okay, so coach, I was thinking maybe we do a little bit of role -playing, seeing

as I don't think you're going to pick up very many ladies with how aggressive

you are. I'd rather eat pheasant shit on dry toast than do anything with you.

Right on.

Anything. Sweet. So you be you, and I'll be a super hot rocket.

Hi, handsome.

I heard you're a hockey coach.

Hiya. I'm kind of nervous.

I don't normally date girls that look like Lyle Lovett and Sheryl Crow had a

fuck child.

I actually think that's a pretty good trip, but I just want to Google that to

sure.

You said Sheryl Crow and Lyle Odeline? Love it!

Yeah, no, I love it too. I'm just looking him up.

Two T's, fuckwad.

Nice baseball socks.

You ever DH?

Easy, Dom DeLuise. Why? I used to DH all the time in Little Leagues, on account

of my power -hitting ability coupled with my perceived lack of running

abilities.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking about fucking.

What do you mean?

Well, a DH is someone who will fuck anything.

Oh, sort of like how getting a second base is touching a gal's boobies. And an

inside -the -park home run is fucking in the bar toilets before the bouncer

finds out and kicks you out.

Do you got a sex term that goes with getting to first base on an intentional

by a pitch?

Yep, that's getting frenched by a gal, but only because she's getting back at

her messy drunk boyfriend.

What about reaching second base on a drop fly ball in center field because

sun's in the eyes? Of course, that's when you think her date went poorly, but

then he gets his tits out in the cab ride home.

Caught in a rundown. Hitting on two girls at once, only to realize that they

friends and they are not happy with you.

Check swing single. Bumping into somebody, accidentally touching their

then being super into it.

Choke up on the bat a little bit, and I bet you fist it right through my

infield. I've choked on some bat before, but I'm pretty confident that no matter

what you send to me, I'll get some good wood on it. I think it's about time you

expand my strike zone.

Every ground ball I've hit finds a hole.

I'm great at making contact with the meat of the bat. You can put an E on the

board because I muffed it right between the legs. Oh, I think it's about time I

sent you to the bush league. I'm a spray hitter. Look alive out there.

You ever seen The People vs. Derry Flint?

That gale's in comparison to Monty Python and the Holy Gale. For first,

I derried an axe murderer.

I feel like this conversation has hit a bit of a gale, mate.

Well, Derry Christmas to you.

It's nice catching up, Gator Swift.

Derry on, my wayward son.

You hit the gale on the head.

A top is when he smashes the ass, and a bottom is when he gets his ass smashed,

right? Correct.

Which are you? Bottom.

Power bottom.

What's that?

That term is so muddled, but... Okay, so you're at a gay bar, and you're a

bottom, you meet another bottom.

Do you tell them at the bar, or do you go home and surprise, and you're stuck

trying to bottom each other? Wait, do you think the only type of gay sex is

sex? No.

Yes.

No, I don't know. Just because a pig has four legs and a dog has four legs does

not mean a pig is a dog.

So, all butt sex is gay.

But not all gay sex is butt sex. Sure. But I mean, I'll be whatever tax and Ron

need me to be. Just to stop this whole storyline.

It's all anyone can talk about. I mean, God.

You don't look like anything you said on the phone.

I was expecting more Andy McDowell and a lot less Andy Samberg. Both comedy

legends. But you are my type, I mean.

What guy doesn't wake up in the morning and just hope to meet Maggie Gyllenhaal,

only her face has been smashed in by a city bus, and she's dressed up like a

lord banker?

We don't have to do the role -playing. Oh, what's wrong, Howard Stern and Baba

Booey's face mashed together with Jon Bon Jovi's hair?

Did you know they edited Stern's speech for Bon Jovi's induction into the Rock

and Roll Hall of Fame?

Let's fuck, all right? I'm ready.

Let's fuck.

Huh? The spawn of Alanis Morissette and Dave Coulier pre -you ought to know.

Huh?

Okay. Uh, good game.

This fucking jerk dog.

Switch hitting. Pretending to be gay to get a gal's guard down.

Stealing signs.

Lurking someone's Facebook interests before you start hitting on them. Spring

training games.

Trying out a few things with your friends with benefits.

Well, Dex, I might as never watch a Blue Jays game again without a fully torqued

boner. Gettin' randy, John Candy.

Thank you for your wise and wonderful lessons. I've really enjoyed my times

you today, and... ...made you this Valentine.

Oh, my God.

I'm a hit.

You is.

If you could play one position in hockey, what would it be?

Back -up goalie. What?

Ultimate underdog.

Also, they don't get their hairline.

Fucking Jeff Hackett. Ron Tugnight.

Peter Ng.

Alan Bester.

Damien Rhodes.

Tommy Sutterstrom.

I asked you something.

You always been a skid, or... Early Marilyn Manson left his mark.

When that began to fade, Ramstein came in to replenish.

Flipknot has always sustained.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I've been a skid for as long as you hicks have called me one.

Well, clicks are fucking stupid anyway, so... Can confirm.

Yep. Especially jocks. Oh, I hate jocks.

Hockey players?

Me too.

Yeah? I guess the enemy of my enemy is my friend, hey?

I think I'd rather have silverfish in my kitchen than hockey players.

I like to fuck with them by hitting on them.

Do you really?

Jocks are generally deeply uncomfortable with their own sexuality.

They often kick rocks after that.

You really just don't give a fuck, do you?

Hard no.

Wondrous.

Favorite Toronto Maple Leafs tough guy. Go. Colton Oren. Ty Domi. Although

Wendell Clark deserves honorable mention, but... But he was also an all

so... Wendell's in a league of his own.

Club!

Mike, we'd have another beer.

I'd have a beer.

This is surely a sign of the apocalypse.

It's like Battletown, Iraq.

I'll get the beers first.

Do my job.

Nice socks.

Gotta hike them up high if you want to steal second.

I hear you and Ronzie are a switch -hitting DP combo.

When a slow dribbler comes my way, I love to eat the ball.

Let's see a heads -up play on the base path so you don't get caught in a hot

box. I was always taught to slide face -first into the bag.

You know it still counts as a home run if I ding it right off your pole.

I wouldn't mind seeing your rusty cunts bat after my dick pole.

I'm a Doug Pfister, type of Lenny Dykstra.

Well, bat me in because I'm in scoring position.

I just got the mink oil.

You want to work in this mitt? Our leadoff hitter's great in the one hole,

I'm really looking forward to our whole lineup hitting in the two hole and the

three hole before the cleanup.

Haven't seen you since the Little League. Yeah, you really worked me

your famous split finger.

Well, if you'd adjusted your stance, I bet you could have pulled one without

anyone expecting it. I always like an older pitcher because usually you've

perfected the knuckler. R .J. Dickey? Suck my R .J. Dickey.

My catcher gave me the sign to give you the backdoor breaking ball. Really? I

was hoping you'd just scorch me one right down the pipe.

I'm sorry about the low throw last time.

You may need to dig in the dirt with me. I'm game for you being behind the play,

but just a foul tip.

Your stroke is perfect.

Can't wait for you to hit it where the grass don't grow.

Oh, grass grows here, here, and here.

But I like the challenge.

You've really got to pound my zone.

My fastball ain't what you used to be. I'm a real soft tosser.

It's hard for me to wrap my hands around that one when I'm getting banged

inside. I'm going to rope you one right up the middle.

Fuck.

Sport macking, huh?

Well, let's have at it.

Give me some of your best lines. So my dick died, and I'm burying you.

Well, that pick -up line was about as off -putting as I thought it was going

be, so I'm going to give you this here Valentine's, and then... Let's never

speak again.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Okay.

That dick took greater... I don't get it.

May I speak candidly with you? Well, I've never known you to require

Jerked off so hard before coming here?

I passed out when I got up.

Had my hand not landed in the fish tank to keep me alert, I may still be laying

there.

I overheard Riley and Jonesy playing that who -would -you -rather takedown

I was like, none of them, you know? I just rather jerk off.

You jerk off for coming here?

Hey, what's wrong with a man wanting his steak well cooked? Is that criminal?

No.

Well, we just... We just jerked off.

Doesn't bother me.

But I get it.

Hey.

What are you doing later?

Ding dong.

Toughest fourth liner with smaller in stature. Go.

Cam Jansen.

Aaron Ashen.

P .J. Stock.

Crusty. Rick Rippin?

Derek Dorsett.

Those guys aren't really in the same category, but Chris Neal is a fucking

underrated killer, eh?

Darcy Hordeshock? No, I wouldn't fuck Marty McSorley. I wouldn't fuck with Stu

Grimson. I'll tell you what, though. I'd follow Eric Goddard into battle.

The only guy who ever really handed it to Brugard.

Hey, Ryan McGrath and John Thornton. Last call.

Gale's orders.

So you want to grab a few after this?

Always follow a hick to a second location.

Don't. Don't.

Fucking make this weird.

Look, I ain't going to pay for this. I got an idea.

Pitter -patter.

Stuart, don't try so hard.

Glenn, square up with you. You can keep the change. Mind if I grab a few for the

road?

You're not driving anywhere, Derek.

Nope. You are.

Okay,

I'll just get some beers and meet you at the car.

Okay, so before...

the final round.

Leela, uh, Gail?

What? You gotta pay to play.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Okay, that'll do it.

Okay, uh, now, as a policy, I like to leave before the end of the event. That

way, if any of yous gets handsy, uh, when it isn't handy and yous look like a

handsy bunch, I'm not liable.

But can I just say this?

Don't call me again, okay? I have her conversations about myths and

holes and jerking off. I'm sorry.

I'm not who I am.

And this whole thing is supposed to be about love -a -laylor. And yous are

cruising to lose -a -laylor.

You'll never find love if you're looking for it. It's when you're not looking.

Are you not even going to try to finish the sentence?

No?

That's great.

That's great. You know what? I don't even care anyway. Good luck, fuckers.

Don't give a shit about this. I'm professional.

Who would you rather take down?

Dax or Ron?

Neither.

Makes sense. You're straight.

I just really jerk off.

How'd you like to pen up with this old goat?

You know what?

Whatever. Whatever gets me out of this whole Dax, Ron, and Rold conversation.

And whether or not they're going to take him down.

It's what everyone's on about, so... God.

Should we take him down? All warmed up and ready to trot in from the bullpen.

Playoff rules in this series.

You know what that means.

Three -man rotation.

Rolled? Forgive me.

Well, someone found love when they were looking for it.

With the time.

I don't care what you want to call it.

Just whatever gets us past this whole narrative. This whole Dax and Ron take

down over all the narrative.

Didn't really get a lot of pracky in, buddy. Yeah, I just kind of got to sit

across from dudes all day, buddy.

Did learn a few things, though. Yeah? Like what?

Well, all butts are gay, but not all gays have butt.

Nice, bro.

Yeah.

Not easy meeting new gals in a small town.

I think he only finds love when you're not looking for it. I don't know really

what I expected.

He can expect this.

For me, it's to use.

I'm having the greatest Valentine's of my life, good man.

Eat the beaver.

Yeah. Happy Valentine's. Thanks, good buddy.

I wonder what Wayne got up to.

Is he lucky?

Is this thing on?

Freddie Brathwaite. Corey Hirsch. Darcy Walkaluck. Rob Stauber. Darren Pupa.

Uh, he ended up starting in Tampa.

You're right.

Kay Whitmore. Nice one.

Nice one, McInnes.

Everyone spends a day looking for love at speed dating, except these two. And

look at here what happened.

I guess it goes to show you, you're never going to find love when you're

for it. Hands up.

Wayne,

I wasn't looking. Look, if you're going to come to the game, you keep your eye

on the puck.

You don't want to get dinged. Great advice from another tough guy.

Don Cherry.

Let's go.

I don't know much about hockey ball, but I don't think this is a game.

Thank you for the tip, Wayne.

Oh, and thank you for the tip of the bar.

Bless you. You tipped.

What do you mean? Do you tip the waitress?

I tip Glenn, yeah. How much?

20%. How much would you tip?

Zero percent.

Zero percent?

I don't tip.

You don't tip your server?

Um, I've been to Australia, okay?

I'm... quite Australian?

Ow! Yeah, no, I guess it's about time the horn started on this thing.

Okay, let's go. I'm cold.

Thank you.

so so