All language subtitles for Doin.It.2024.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264

Yes. That's why I had children.

So they could be
just like my mom.

Yo, Maya,
get your ass over here.

We're up next, bitches.

All right, listen up, fuckers.

You and Sohan enter
from the back curtain.

Derek and I will be on the side.

Derek, you good? What the fuck?

My pants are too big,
and I just learned the dance.

No one was expecting Jamal
to twist his weak-ass ankle,
okay?

We didn't have time
to alter the damn costume, bro.

Jess, chill.
We're gonna crush it.

One, two...

Melanin Mafia!

- All right.
- Let's fucking go.

Let's go, Derek.

Goddamn, I miss Jamal.

Look, she's offering two mangoes
to the king.

Hey. Show me your boobs.

What? No.

Come on. We've still got
a few minutes left.

Besides, it'll help me relax.

Okay, fine.

Only if you show me
your thing, too.

Fine.

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

What a big, strong snake.

Holy shit.

What's it doing?

-Oh, my eye!
-Fuck. I'm-I'm sorry.

You jizzed
in my fucking eyeball!

Pull up your pants.

I can't. They're stuck. Help me!

Spin. No, the other way.

Ah, shit. I can't do it, Jess.

- Pull it up.
- Oh, fuck.

Whoa!

Again?

I'm gonna fuck you up!

- Spin.
- Fuck these pants.

-Ah! Watch out, idiot!
-Fuck!

Yeah, that's my boy, Sohan!

Maya?

What a slut.

Way to get eye-fucked, loser!

No wonder my sexual journey
has been so fucked up.

What did I do in a past life
to deserve a daughter like you?

It's all that "Sailor Moon"
you're watching,

with her miniskirts
and hooker friends!

When I was your age,

I wouldn't even dream
of talking to boys.

And now you're out
in public having...

I wasn't having sex.

Oh.

-What did you say?
-"Sex"?

Where are you learning
this language?

What would people say about you?

She was born in a country

that has bigger butts
than brains.

We should all go back to India.

Raj and I worked so hard
to come here
and give her a better life.

What?

What's "M.A.S.H."?

You want to have three kids
with Leonardo DiCaprio, huh?

You must think you're very hot.

Let's see how much
you like the heat.

You will stay here

until all your dirty thoughts
melt away.

Mmm, I want all 11
of Hrithik Roshan's fingers

to touch me.

Three thumbs, three holes.

How is it three?

What is this garbage?

Girls shouldn't be
watching this.

You have to be very careful now.

Extra careful.

This means you can get pregnant
like this now.

If you even look at a boy,

his sperm can enter your body
through your eyes.

Wait, through your eyes?

- No, ma'am.
- Good.

So, for the next 15 years,

I stopped focusing on
getting that "D,"

and instead focused on
getting straight A's.

With three fancy degrees,

learning how to cook
four different subjis

and a plan for the future,

I was ready to go back
to America.

This feels like a mistake.

You're a computer engineer,

and your plan is
to beg for money?

I was so close to being proud.

It's not begging.
It's called fundraising.

And again, Mom, you do not
have to come with me.

-I'm an adult.
-What kind of mother would I be

if I let my single daughter
roam around the world
by herself like an orphan?

One that respects boundaries?

-Don't make up words, Maya.
-Mm.

Fuck! Shit!

I'm back, Jess.

It has literally been 900 years.

Tell me everything, okay?
The truth.

Not that bullshit
you post on Instagram.

Okay, I just fact-checked
my 300th article

for "The Wall Street Journal,"

but the real tea is

I've been dating this girl,

Tonya, for two weeks. Oh.

You know I don't kiss
and tell 'cause that's tacky.

-Totally.
-But she's a DJ,

and she has been remixing
my pussy like fucking Tiësto.

Just like, "Oh, oh, oh."

I can barely walk.

Wait, do you still call
your... you know, Garfield?

The most iconic kitty
on the block? Hell yes.

And they're both grumpy
on Mondays.

Now you go. Tell me everything.

Oh, I mean, there are so many
things I could tell you.

Uh... Ooh, ooh.
I don't get that weird eczema

on my knee anymore.
Remember that?

Uh, what else?

I think I'm allergic
to chickpeas.

Bitch, what?

Eczema and chickpeas?

Tell me
some juicy India stories.

Have you been boning
any young Hasan Minhajs?

No. No, no, no. I haven't...

I haven't been boning anyone.

-Like...
-Like ever, yet.

You're still a virgin?

-Shut up.
-Holy shit, Maya.

That's weird.

I know. I'm so embarrassed.

I don't know, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

Didn't you tell me
you were hooking up

with some guy from
your computer science class?

I lied.

Oh, yeah.

-Do you like that?
-Mm-hmm.

You're so strong!
You're so strong!

Unless 30
seconds of dry humping counts.

I probably only went to
his house because, deep down,

I knew nothing would happen.

-Do you hear that?
-What?

"Help! Help me!"

That's your
pussy. She's got dry throat.

- It's like a desert in there.
- "Give me a glass of water."

I've got an idea.

I'm gonna make it my mission
to give you

every experience you
missed out on in high school.

-Really?
-High school bucket list.

"Help!"

-Are you hungover?
-No.

-I have allergies.
-If your grandma were here,

we'd be heading back to India
right now.

At this rate,
I should really sign up

for frequent flyer miles.
Thank you.

I know what I did was extreme,

but I still think
I did what was best for you.

And for me.

Hey, I'm just happy to be back.

I mean, come on, you must have
missed America, too.

Weren't you lonely just hanging
out with Nani all the time?

In India, I was lonely and hot.

In America, I'm lonely and fat.

Well, maybe you should find
somebody to be lonely with.

Maya, I was
already married once.

That's it.
Women my age don't go hopping

-from relationship
to relationship.
-Whatever.

I'll just sell my app
for millions of dollars

so you can fill that hole in
your heart with a Lamborghini.

He'll see you now.

Big results! Big results!

Shit. Uh... uh...
Am I interrupting?

You got eight minutes. Let's go.

Uh... Okay.

I think you'll agree that
a lot of American parents

are concerned
with what their teenagers

are consuming online because...

Get that ass down!

That's tight.
That's tight. That's tight.

Why not put control
back into parents' hands

with my app, Screen Better?

Don't just take
your kids' phone away.

Take Jake Paul
away from their phone.

Did you catch your son
trying to fuck an old DVD, too?

No. Ow.
No, I-I don't have any kids.

Why'd you make the app, then?

I went to high school in India
where I learned discipline,

-but before that, I...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Well, how can you
build a product

that protects American teenagers

when you don't know
what it's like

-to be an American teenager?
-Uh...

-Beast mode!
-Ah!

Fuck!

Aw, it couldn't have been
that bad. Come on.

No. I mean, maybe he's right.

No, I'm not the right person
to make this app.

No, you just need quality time
with your demo.

-Maybe you should
get a job at a high school.
-What?

No, I'm an entrepreneur.
I'm not supposed to have a job.

Plus, I don't have
a teacher's license.

I worked on this article.
Turns out,

you don't need to be certified
to work with kids.

Substitute teachers, tutors.

It's kind of fucked up,
actually.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Repeat after me.

I'm not a little bitch.

I am not a little bitch!

Good, 'cause I got
a surprise for you.

- What?
- Ding.

-Uh...
-For your pussy.

Okay.

Start on a low setting.
It gets kind of crazy.

Here's the thing.

I don't know
if I've ever, like...

Never? Damn, girl.

Do you use one?

Yes. Of course.
I've got like seven of those.

-Oh.
-But not lately

'cause Tonya and I have been
fucking like two times a day.

By the way, we are IG official.

-Holy shit! That was fast!
-Mm-hmm.

-Congrats, dude.
-Thank you.

-Also, holy shit,
two times a day?
-It's so much.

Yeah, dude, like,
how often do you shower?

Not enough.
Keep the windows down.

I am exhausted.
I'm taking supplements.

Okay.

Okay.

Maya, come! Come! Come!

- Wh-What, Mom?
- Come for breakfast!

Yes, please. Oh, perfect.

Thank you so much, Farhad.

- Right here? Okay.
- Right there. Thank you.

There we go.

Oh, this is my daughter Maya.

She was supposed to build
the next Google,

but now she wants to be
a half-teacher.

Always a self-esteem boost, Mom.

-Farhad lives two doors down.
-Yes.

Mm. And now he's moving in?

Shut up. Farhad was kind enough

to bring the delivery in

because the driver
left it in the driveway.

Mom, I told you to get
white glove service.

I tell you what,
the next time you get delivery,

I wear white gloves,
you give me $50.

Oh!

Oh, thank you so much, Farhad.

It's my pleasure.

Can I get you a cup of tea?

Eh... No, no, no.

I really should get
to the office,

but, uh, maybe I can take
a rain check?

Oh. First $50,
and now he wants a check, too?

Your ma's very funny.

-Very nice to meet you.
-Thank you so much.

Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, now.

See you.

That was...

...interesting.

So, what's your plan?

Mm. Well, I submitted my résumé
to a few recruitment websites,

and I already have
a bunch of interviews.

Hmm.

Interview.
I have one interview.

Principal Fletcher's office?

-Through that door.
-Thank you.

Maya, come on in.

I'm gonna level with you.

We've been given a mandate
to ensure that our staff

is at least 30% diverse.

Currently,
we're at four percent,

even with Mr. Brown,
who apparently is white.

Diverse or not,
we're completely understaffed.

-Uh...
-No one wants to be a teacher.

So, unless you're a pedophile,

-I'm inclined to hire you.
-Okay.

That was very straightforward.
Uh, not a pedophile.

-Great.
-But I would like to be a tutor.

Tutors don't count towards
our total diversity numbers,

so I really hate that idea.

What I need is someone like you
to be a substitute teacher.

Wow.

Someone like me is just gonna
skip right over being offended

because that actually works out
kind of perfectly.

-Great.
-Yeah, and the great news is

you don't have to worry
because computer science

is like my second language.

Oh, no, I have something
different in mind for you.

Oh.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Ms. Singh,
and I'll be teaching...

- ...sex ed.
- Sick.

-Hot sex ed teacher.
-Sweet.

Okay, even though that's true,
that's not appropriate.

If I get a boner during class,
do I get extra credit?

Please don't listen to him.

He can't keep his mouth shut.

We're working on it.

You wouldn't have to
work on my mouth.

It does all the work for you.

Okay, stop that.

Uh, let's begin.

An STD is
a sexually transmitted disease.

There are a number of them,
some of which can be

very harmful.

You could die. And be dead.

Ms. Singh, we know what
STDs are. We're not stupid.

- Yeah, Jason's mom
gave me herpes.

The only person who should be
entering you is Jesus.

Okay, okay,
let's pay attention, all right?

Um, who can name
some forms of contraception?

-Abstinence.
-Having Kyle's face?

I have an IUD.

Okay. Well, cranberry juice
helps with that.

-Did you know that?
-IUD.

Not a UTI.

No, no, I knew that.

Are you even qualified
to teach us?

- Yes.
- I've probably had

more sex than you.

Okay, whoa. That is not true.

Oh, shit.
Ms. Singh is "sing-le."

I can't teach this class.

-Why not?
-Have you met your students?

They belong on reality TV.

Listen, I know
they're a bunch of pricks,

but they need the guidance
more than anyone.

Yeah, I'm more of
an HTML kind of girl

than an STD kind of girl.

Why can't you be both? I know
plenty of slutty smart people.

It's a simple
abstinence-based program

prescribed by the state.
Just stick to the curriculum.

I'm sure it's the same crap
you learned in high school.

Mm-hmm. I don't know.

So, we good?

How are you gonna teach sex ed

when you've never
had sex before?

It's not like history teachers
fought in the Civil War, okay?

Plus, the curriculum is about
abstinence. I'm a pro at that.

Yeah, well, maybe you can learn
with the students.

Don't learn on the students,
you creepy virgin.

Ooh, maybe you can learn on him.

No, I can't. He's not even
dressed in 2000s gear.

I could never date a guy
who can't follow a theme.

Who said anything about dating?
Dating requires a commitment.

Which, by the way,

Tonya and I said
"I love you" yesterday.

-Already?
-Yeah.

Do you have terminal cancer
or something?

No, that's just me.
But for you,

you just need to have fun.
And it's perfect.

It's 2000s night.
You just pretend

this is like
a high school house party

and he's your lab partner
or some shit.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah, okay.
-Yeah. You got this.

You know what?
I'm just gonna have fun.

-Yeah.
-Right now.

Wait, before you go,

check it out. Boom.

You've been iced, bitch!

You're holding a beer.

-Okay, whatever.
-What are you, color-blind?

Yeah, I'm color-blind.

You're my favorite white friend.

Get on one knee
and chug it anyway.

Aw...

You got this.

- Come on. Yes!
- I can't do it.

-I can't do it.
-You can do it.

High...

school... bucket...

list!

Holy shit.

I'm gonna have diarrhea.

Well, pair that diarrhea
with an orgasm.

Get over there, girl.

Oh, hi.

I'm Maya.

Do you want to be my...
lab partner?

Fuck yeah.

Uh, I haven't been to the gym.

Ah, you smell like cookies.

-I had them for lunch.
-Mmm.

Mommy.

Are you my mommy?

-I need some milk. Mmm.
-Uh...

You want to see
my little baby wiener?

Uh, I'm sure it's bigger
than a baby wiener.

No, it's so tiny.

-Okay.
-My little baby wiener

wants back inside
that nice, warm cave.

Not this warm cave.

Yeah, a little umbilical cord

connected both of us.

I remember, I was in my embryo,

in my amniotic sack.

-That's not... No.
-I've been bad.

Make me jizz
in my little diaper.

Shit. Okay. Um, you know,
why don't...

why don't you just
use your lips to kiss me?

Right here, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Extra careful.

Mommy!

Yes, Maya?

Uh, sorry, Mom! Nothing!

Is that your real mom?

Do you think that
she would want to join us?

Because a grandma
would really take this

to the next level.

You should go.

Hi, Ms. Singh.

Abbey, hi. Hi.

Um, would you
like to join the...

Hi. Would you like to join
the Abstinence Club?

-What?
-We're recruiting students

to join our mission in promoting
school-wide abstinence.

Would you like to join?

I've had sex with eight people.

Including your dad.

-Nathaniel Johnson?
-Here.

Okay, great.

Um, Abbey...

...Ho?

Yup. Here.

Oh. Okay. Good for you guys.

What do you mean?

Oh. Well, I mean...

You know.

Are you laughing because
her last name is Ho?

No! No, no, no. Of course not.

No, I'm not laughing. I just...

I honestly expected
everybody else to laugh.

Why would we do that?

-Her last name is Ho.
-Okay, wow.

Okay, well, I'm glad
you're all so mature.

All right.
And, Abbey, for the record,

I know plenty of Asian Hos.

Okay, moving on
to today's lesson.

Uh, we are going to role-play.

- Babe, pretend to be
my stepsister.

Why does everyone want
to have sex with their family?

No, not that kind of role-play.

You're gonna be
acting out these lines

to learn
the severity of pregnancy.

All right. There you go.
Okay.

"When I first found out
that I was pregnant,

I started getting scared
because of the pain."

"I can get her ice cubes
to make her feel
more comfortable.

I am a young, naive man."

Two weeks later.

"Ow, ow, ow.
I wish I never had sex.

Please make it stop.
Ow, ow, ow."

"There's so much blood!"

"This is gonna take 36 hours.

You may never walk again."

"I think my kidney is
falling out."

"It is."

Seriously, Ms. Singh,
what the hell is this?

Uh...

Oh.

Hi. I'm Linda Smeighton,

Teacher of the Year
three years in a row.

Oh, wow.

I'm Maya, the new sex ed
teacher for the first time.

The substitute.

-Yeah.
-Oh, that's so fun.

Now, I hate to be
a stickler for the rules,

but technically
the teachers' lounge

-is for teachers only.
-But I am a teacher.

But you're not technically
a teacher, right?
You're a substitute.

We can't just
let anybody in here.

It's a capacity issue.
It's not safe.

Oh... 'kay.

Oh, I didn't realize

-it was tight in here...
-And I have dibs on that mug.

Number one teacher, that's me.

Well...

I'm sure I'll be
seeing you around,

just not in this lounge, okay?

You know, honey,
if it makes you feel any better,

I usually put laxatives
in her coffee,

and then I take
all the toilet paper

out of the teachers' restroom.

That does make me feel better.
Thank you.

I'm Barb.
I don't wear underwear. You?

Oh. Uh, I do.

-Oh, no, honey, your name.
-Oh. Maya.

-That's good to know, though.
-Okay. Yeah.

Oh, I got to go.

It's sloppy joe day,
and I got to prep the "meat."

Don't eat it.

Bye.

- Oh.
- Oh. Sorry.

It's okay. It's actually a push.

Oh.

So that's why it says
"Push" on it.

Uh...

-At your service.
-Thank you.

I'll be sure to leave you
a positive Yelp review.

No need. Us Asians,
we got to stick together.

Chances are you're
the only staff member

who can properly
pronounce my name.

Really? Well, I mean,
I'm a pretty different

kind of Asian, but I'll try.

What's your name?

I was bluffing. It's Alex.

"Alax"? "Allux"?

I'm Maya. I'm new.

Oh, no way. Me, too.

What are you teaching, Maya?

Uh... sex ed.

Awesome.

I teach computer science.

I know. Nerd alert.

- Well, uh, I'll be
seeing you around.

Was it...

..."May-ah"?

Nailed it.

I'm coming up
all grays over here.

Mmm. "Vivid."

Son of a bitch. Double V's?

-Speaking of double V's...
-Mm.

...I introduced Tonya
to my parents.

Goddamn! You're gonna have
a ring on your finger

before I even give a hand job.

What about that dude
from the club?

Mm-mm.

-He wanted me to play mommy.
-Ew.

I love a good kink,

but the whole guys
and the "mommy" thing? No.

But I did meet
this cute guy at school,

and honestly, he's such a daddy.

Okay, why are you still talking?

Show me his Insta.

-Okay.
-It's a sleepover.

-Come on.
-Ooh. Yes.

- He's cute, right?
- So cute.

- Go, Allux.
- What are you, 12?

-Zoom in on his dick.
-What? No!

He's wearing gray sweatpants.
That's practically
begging for it.

- Don't. Oh, my goodness.
- Okay, see his outline?

Holy shit, you can.
What a fucking slut.

Okay, fuck it up!

Gray sweatpants and he can cook?
I might suck his dick.

Watch this.

-For you to enjoy later.
-Okay, stop.

But I'm just gonna be
super chill.

Like, whatever, casual.

No over-the-top flirting.

Nice balls!

What?

Uh, soccer.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.

I feel like such a fraud
coaching soccer.

I don't know anything about it.

Oh, I can't imagine the feeling.

Oh.

Of course you two are friends.

Hi, Linda.

It's probably super hard

fitting in sometimes
when you're different.

Well, actually, right now,
you're the minority.

You know,
I don't personally like

to categorize people
by their skin color,

but to each their own.

Right. I'll, uh,
see you both inside.

Oh, so you got the good
parking space today, huh, Maya?

-Yeah, it was open.
-This is technically my space.

Really? 'Cause there wasn't
technically a sign.

Oh, it probably fell down.

Wow, really?
'Cause I didn't

see one on the ground
either anywhere.

Well, I've been
parking here for years.

-Well, it's a free country.
-You know what?

I'll be sure
to put another sign up

in both English and Hindu.

That would be great.
Just make sure it says,

"Reserved for Scott Pilgrim
with tits."

Have a great day.

You, too.

-Do I have to?
-Yes.

Getting high in the backwoods
is peak high school.

Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull. Let go of your thumb.

Good girl.

Ugh. It smells horrible, dude.

Tonya hates the smell, too.

Oh, by the way,
we started a podcast together.

You're podcast official?

Dude, that's some serious shit.

When you know, you know.

Dude, what other
high school staples

-did I miss out on?
-Hmm.

Mix CDs.

That was, like,
the truest sign of love.

Aw, fuck.

I can't believe
I missed mix CDs with you.

I have a CD player in my car.

That shit still slaps.

Hey, what about sex ed?

I mean, you couldn't call
what we had sex ed.

It was just Mr. Turner,
the gym teacher,

using a bunch of
food analogies willy-nilly.

Like, "Women have eggs,

"and when you mix the eggs
with the man's yogurt,

that bakes a baby."

I still think about it

every time I eat
a fucking parfait.

That is so messed up.

Half the schools in the state
don't teach sex ed.

It's crazy.

Really?

Yep.

I don't know. Maybe I have
an opportunity here.

Like, I didn't learn
anything about sex

or sexuality till college.

I didn't even know
I was gay till I bought,

like, my tenth
Kristen Stewart poster.

The first nine, I was like:

The tenth, I was like,
"Dyke mode activated."

You're right. This class
is just pure scare tactics.

You know, it's not like
I'm teaching them

anything that'll help them
understand themselves.

It doesn't help that
I don't know shit about shit.

Okay. I have an idea.

Let me show you
some sex ed, you stoner.

To catch his unborn kids.

Missionary. Cowgirl.

Doggy style.

Gang bang!

-Fuck no!
-I mean, no.

Definitely no.

But yes for some people.

You got to be sex positive.

I should go home.

Before my mom calls your mom.

Shit. Now you got to go home

and pretend not to be stoned
in front of your mom.

That's another bucket list item.

I'm not used
to this spice.

-My eyes are watering.
-Oh, really?

-Okay, I'm gonna try.
-You must try.

But try the big one.
You must like it.

-You sure not too hot?
-No, it's not spicy. Not at all.

- How is it?
- My God.

What are you doing to me?

Oh, you must have
some tea. It will help.

- How do you eat this?
- White gloves!

-What's going on?
-Hello.

Caught Farhad heading
to the grocery store

because he ran out of ginger.
I told him not to be silly.

It's true.

Because we never run out.

- Fascinating.
- Had I known

my poor planning
would have resulted in

this delicious chai
and lovely company,

I would have been disorganized
much sooner.

Well, it's getting late.

-I should be making
dinner for Maya.
-Oh...

Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm not even hungry.

Don't be silly.
Have a good night.

Uh, okay.
Of course.

Very nice to see you again.

Bye. Don't forget your ginger.

-Enjoy that.
-Thank you. I'll let you know
how everything goes.

Oh, okay. Good night.
Thank you for coming.

Good night. Thank you so much.

-Uh, Mom?
-Hmm?

I think Farhad was, like,
flirting with you.

What nonsense.

He wanted ginger,
so I gave him ginger.

-That's it.
-Yeah.

He wanted your ginger
all right.

What do you mean, my "ginger"?

You know, like your...

ginger spice.

Don't talk about ginger
that way.

What kind of woman
do you think I am? Hmm?

You think I would be
hanging out with random men?

Mom, there's nothing wrong with
enjoying somebody's company.

-Chill.
-There was no company.

-It was just ginger.
-Got it.

I should go, uh, prep.

-Mm-hmm.
-For my class.

It's, uh, computer science.

Ginger spice.

Get... get out, you dirty girl.

Hey, what's good?

Wow.

Very impressive work.

Go Super Saiyan
on that thing, baby!

-Thank you.
-No! Oh.

Ms. Singh, that's...

that's my
emotional support porn.

This is why we need
Screen Better.

What?

All right, class, today
we're gonna try
something a little different.

Does anybody know what this is?

Your Tinder profile.

Looks like Kyle's sister.

- Madison's labia.
- Oh, my God.

It's a gender elephant.

Correct.
Lots of countries teach this.

Now, everyone, please write
down your gender identity,

expression
and sex assigned at birth

-as you understand it.
-How is this educational?

Yeah, I don't get it.

Aren't those all the same thing?

Actually, no.

Your gender identity,
gender expression

and sex assigned at birth
can all be different.

It's okay if you're not sure.

Just... come on.
G-Give it a try.

That's what's up.

Thank you.

- Oops.
- Oh.

- Hi.
- Maya.

Uh... you can have it.

No, no. You, uh, you take it.
You were there first.

No. It's fine.
It was for my mom anyways.

Oh, then you should
definitely take it.

No, really. My mom usually
has so much ginger,

but she ran out because
she gave it away while flirting.

Flirting?
Is that how flirting works?

'Cause if that's the case,

then...
can I cook you dinner?

What?

What do you mean you're
rewriting the curriculum?

- Does Fletcher know about that?
- I mean,

she said I could make
some changes.

-She said that?
-No.

Just be careful.

I've heard that Fletcher lives
and dies by the school board.

It'll be fine. I mean, today's
lesson really got me thinking

about the kind of impact
I want to make.

I admire your enthusiasm.

Wow. Ooh, I admire
that you know how to make

-such good Thai...?
-Filipino.

Filipino food.

Yes. Here I was mistaking you
for Diet Asian.

Uh, I'm offended by that.

I was actually
the eighth member of BTS.

-Oh.
-I just decided
to quit the fame

-and become a teacher instead.
-Mm.

Also, I'm not Korean.

Obviously. You're Filipino.

What were you doing
before Proudamore?

Well, I was actually in India.

-I moved there when I was 13.
-Okay.

-How did that happen?
-Well, my mom made us move

because she was scared
I was turning into

a "wild American teenager,"

which to be fair,
I absolutely was.

Wow. I've heard of
immigrant parents

threatening that before,
but I don't know anyone

whose parents actually did that.

Why did you come back here?

I love India, you know?
But this is home.

It just... It was time.

-Yeah.
-Plus, there's this app

I'm trying to get
off the ground. I don't know.

Don't just gloss over
the million-dollar idea

I could potentially steal.
I didn't realize
you were a tech nerd.

I actually wanted to teach
computer science

but got stuck with
sex ed because

they already had a teacher
that was cuter than me.

What a cute asshole.

Okay, this guy graduated
from MIT,

is old enough to rent a car

but young enough
to know who BTS is

and could probably make
better roti than me.

I should stop being
a little bitch

and just go for it, right?

Maya?

Uh, you know what?

It's, um...

It's getting really late,

and I still have to plan
tomorrow's lesson, so...

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Bye.

Did I just bow?
What is wrong with me?

Maya, you need to turn
this vagina around

right now! Fuck you, legs.

Vodka with a splash of vodka
to drown your sorrows in.

I don't get it!

You know, I was enjoying it,

and then he started
to touch my body,

and I just kept thinking
of my Nani and my mom.

-Ew.
-He could've K-popped my cherry.

If he was Korean.
He's not. He's Filipino.

It's different.
They're different.

It's a whole--
You had to be there!

Maybe you're into girls.

I don't think so. I can barely
look at my own vagina.

That's 'cause of the angle.
You got to use a mirror
and a ring light.

High school bucket list:

experiment with
your sexuality, girl.

Mmm.

Oh!

Did you just punch my pussy?

No, no, no, I didn't mean to!
I meant to grab it.

What in the actual fuck?!

I said grind it!

You told me
to grab her by the pussy!

-Why the fuck would I say that?!
-I don't know!

-It's called consent, bitch!
-Me Too?

I haven't had sex yet,
and I was trying to figure out
if I was gay!

Oh, so I'm just another
straight-girl experiment.

Fuck off, virgin!

She is from a small town
in India.

-She has camels in her pussy!
-I do not!

No, there's not!

Today, we
will be crafting our genitals.

Or whatever body part you feel
best expresses your sexuality.

Maya.

Hi. Can I audit your class?

I never had sex ed.

Uh, sure, Barb.
I don't see why not.

All right, class, let's...

Good? All right, class, let's...

All right.

Let's make some art!

The internal clitoris
covered in glitter.

I call it
"the glittery clittery."

Is masturbating
with glitter safe? I'm sorry.

I should save my questions
till the end. Sorry.

Thank you for
that inspiring visual, Jasmine.

Please place that
on our sexual anatomy board.

Next.

His name's Goku.

Based on a true story.

I call bullshit.

No.

I'm glad you feel so confident,
Kyle. Put it on the board.

-Next.
-So, I created my boobs
out of wire

to protest
the underwire in bras.

Preach. Put it on the board.

-Next.
-I'm protesting this exercise.

Fair enough. Who's next?

It's a queef.

If you put it sideways,

it kind of looks like a sunrise.

-I hate the sun.
-Okay.

-Next.
-It's, uh, it's a penis pipe.

You can smoke it like this.

Uh, do not smoke your penis.

Abbey. What's up?

When-when is it okay
to have sex?

Oh. Uh, well, I guess
that depends on you.

Just-- I have a boyfriend,
and-and he's a senior

at West Hill,
and he's been, um...

You know, he want,
he wants to...

Do you want to?

I don't know. I...

I-I don't not want to.

You know, Abbey,
there's nothing wrong

with taking your time.

You know, you're young,
and sex will always be there.

Even when you're my age.

Oh, I don't want
to wait that long.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, well,
if you are ready, then...

honestly, it's your choice.

But please just be safe
about it.

Okay. Yeah.

Hey, uh, thanks for actually
listening to me, Ms. Singh.

Of course.

-See ya, Barb.
-Oh, see ya, honey.

Good luck with the sex.

Nice, guys.
Reset. Let's do it again.

Yeah, I want to talk to you.
You got to focus here. Come on.

-Hey, Ms. Singh.
-What's up, Jason?

Your class was dope today.

Oh, thank you.

Coach Cruz is the best, huh?

Kyle, stop it.
Go take a lap right now.

Is Coach out there?

Listen,
can I ask you a question?

That depends.
Do I get paid overtime?

I'm-I'm kidding.
Ask me the question.

Would you ever date someone
younger than you?

Not me. Gross.

-Okay, well, how much older?
-Older. She goes to this school.

So what's the problem?

She's, like, really confident
and experienced,

and I just don't know how
to show her I like her, too.

You know, I got to show her
I'm, like, mature.

Maybe you should make
a grand gesture.

You know,
sweep her off her feet.

Show her that you're serious.

-Grand gesture, huh?
-Yeah.

I mean, the worst
she can say is "no."

-Okay, cool. Thanks, Ms. Singh.
-Got it.

Number one player,
back on the field!

Watch out, ladies!

I guess
it's not a horrible idea

to invite a nice man
to a respectable family dinner.

Great. Okay. So...

So, how's class going?

Are your students engineers yet?

Good. It's going good. Yeah.

Uh, yesterday,
we covered the difference

between hardware and software.

Isn't it right in the title?

One is hard, one is soft?

-I could be a computer engineer.
-Totally.

What are you...
what are you doing?

We are playing
to your strengths, Mom.

Take it as a compliment.

So, have you seen
Farhad recently?

No. Why would I?

I don't know. He seems nice.

M-Maybe you'd like to come?

Go, aunty. See, Mom?

It doesn't matter
how old you are.

You can still live life.

This is a TV show, Maya.

No respectable woman would
behave like this in public.

What would people say?

Who are these people?

Where-where are these people?

And why do they matter?

The community.
See, you don't understand

because you make friends
by poking strangers
on the Facebook.

Back in my day,
all we had was our community.

Whatever. Also, no one even
uses Facebook anymore...

-Shut up.
-Fine.

Okay.

You can do this.

It's just you touching you.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Here goes.

Yes. Okay.

Think sexy thoughts.

Penis.

Hard penis.

Clean penis.

Hard, clean penis.

Yeah, no. Okay, here we go.

Container store.

Okay. Yeah.

Mm.

Surprise Beyoncé album.

Oh!

Okay. Oh, yeah.

Ooh. She just fucking
drops them out of nowhere!

You're always right.

Oh, my God. Oh.

That's different.

Why are you still in bed?
It's 11:00 a.m.

Mom, no, it's not! Can I have
some privacy, please?

What's that?

That is, uh, a mixer.

Yeah, the new, uh,
Magic Bullet Mini.

Why is it in here?

Because I had a smoothie.
Last night.

Yeah, I brought it up here
to not wake you up, and...

-What kind of smoothie?
-Uh...

Was the milk expired?

No! Ma, I really need
to get ready.

Okay, get out, get out,
get out, get out.

-It's okay. I'll take this.
-Uh...

I made you breakfast.

No, no, no, no, Mom.
The milk was expired.

Throw that away. Right now.

-Ah.
-You sure?

Seems good to me.

Huh? Mm. Whatever.

More for me. Mmm.

So good.

So thick, so creamy.

Welcome to vulva week.

Over the next few days, we'll
be reviewing the female orgasm,

aka the Big O.

Lights, please.

Now we're talking.

You can't be serious.

Today's lesson is about
the late great Betty Dodson,

professional masturbator
and vulva Yoda.

So we've got the power
in our genitals

to do anything we want
if we claim the power.

As you can see,
woman are capable

of having multiple orgasms.

It's important for everybody
to get to know their body.

You know, what you like,
what you don't like.

Your homework is to get to know
yourself, in your own way,

however you feel comfortable.

Sick! I already did
my homework at lunch.

Up next:
how to locate the G-spot.

Dope.

Safe.

Safe. Safe.

Safe, baby.

So safe. Really safe.

I feel so safe.

-Super safe.
-Okay.

Whoa!

Oh!

Today...

we talk squirting.

Homosexuality can be found

in so many plant
and animal species.

For example, male penguins.

Spoiler alert: super gay.

Yeah, now you know why
they really have happy feet.

Hi, Maya. Oops.

You took my mug again.
That's okay.

Um, shouldn't you be
teaching yoga somewhere?

How you like that yoga?

Yeah?

Namaste.

Bitch.

I mean,
clearly you have seniority.

That is so rude.
Anyway, I made you one.

Oh, that is so nice of you.

You remind me of my housekeeper.

- Oh.
- She's so nice, too.

High school bucket list:
graffiti the bathroom wall.

Oh.

Is anybody in here?
Is anybody in here?

Maybe you shouldn't eat
so many dicks, Linda!

Hey, who's there?!
No more, no more, no more.

No more, no more.
Machine Gun Kelly.

And finally,
the shoulder holder,

popular in the UK and Japan,
according to a new poll.

Any questions?

I refuse to hear
any more of this.

-What's a reverse cowgirl?
-Great question.

That is one of the
commander-in-chief positions.

Especially empowering for women.

Because-- spoiler alert--
women can and should
enjoy sex as well.

-Barb?
-What position do you recommend

for someone with a very, very,
very, very tight vagina?

Cowgirl or 69.

But especially good
is doggy style.

She was... masturbating.

She said it was
a school assignment.

I saw the whole thing,
Principal Fletcher.

Ms. Singh was encouraging
her students to have S-E-X

and get pregnant. We don't need
any more babies in the world.

Some countries have
already overpopulated it.

What? No, I wasn't.
That's not true.

Ms. Singh, you do know
that we have

a very strict curriculum here.

I am giving them a more
comprehensive sex education.

I mean, they deserve
to learn about anatomy,

body positivity, pleasure.

My daughter does not need
to learn about any of that.

Oh. Okay. So you'd rather

she learn about all this
from Cardi B lyrics?

-I don't know who that is.
-It's Beyoncé.

Do you know how much money

I have donated to
the school football program?

Maya, it's a simple,

abstinence-focused program
prescribed by the state.

Okay? No, no, no.
We don't need anything more.

Just teach the book.

Just teach the book, Maya.

Even you can handle that.

-Hi.
-Hey. Want to get drunk?

I hate to say "I told you so."

-So I won't say it.
-Thank you.

But check your texts.

Ha ha. How do they expect me to
teach this antiquated nonsense?

-Change takes time.
-No.

I mean, there has to be
a better way

to teach kids about sex.

Yeah.

Uh...

-Can you excuse me
for a second?
-Mm-hmm.

Ms. Singh,
what are you doing here?

I think the question is:
What are you doing here?

'Cause it is a school night,
and you're underage.

I snuck out with my boyfriend.

Hi. Can you excuse us
for a sec, boyfriend?

- Thank you.
- Man.

-How did you even get in here?
-I used my cousin's ID.

But no one even noticed.

Damn white bouncer.

Please don't tell my parents.

-I won't.
-Thanks, Ms. Singh.

Also, I thought about our talk,
and I'm gonna take your advice.

I'm ready.

Wait, what?

We're gonna do it. Tonight.

Abbey, listen, okay?

I know I've been teaching you
all the benefits of sex,

but in reality,
sex is a big deal.

I mean, are you even
emotionally ready?

And you don't want to do
something you're gonna regret.

What happened to overcoming
shame by Brené Brown?

Brené Brown ain't brown.
You and I are both from cultures

where people will criticize us.

Okay? So we just have to be
extra careful.

But he's down with the
commander-in-chief positions.

-Abbey, listen to me.
-No.

You don't even believe
what you're teaching us.

Maybe you need to get laid.

Can I get three vodka shots,
please?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

I don't want to do this
when you're this drunk.

Oh, come on. What?

Now that I'm gonna do it,
you don't want it?

Maya, you're trashed.
Just slow down.

What, are you nervous?

-Oh, it's just sex.
-No.

I wanna get to know you more.

Why? This is
what normal people do.

Wait. Don't tell me.
Are you, like, a virgin

- or something?
- I'm not. I'm just...

I'm a little scarred from my ex.

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah.

I didn't realize
you had so much trauma.

I'm just trying to be honest
and vulnerable with you,

and I'm sorry
if that's coming off as...

Weak? Prude?

Yeah. A little.

I think you should leave.

What?

Kyle, can you please
read out loud?

Yeah. Um...

"Gonorrhea stays in your body
if it is not treated."

Uh, "Gonorrhea can also spread
to the blood and joints.

"Gonorrhea can be very serious.

-Gon..."
-Ms. Singh. What's up?

Why are we going back
to day-one shit?

Yeah, your classes
have been dope.

Yeah, it's like,
for the first time,

someone actually spoke to us

like we're not just stupid kids.

I can't teach that anymore.

I have to go back
to the regular curriculum

mandated by the state.

Are you okay?

Yeah, just a rough week.

Do you want to talk about it?

That would be
highly inappropriate.

-I fucked up so bad with him.
-Mm.

Yeah, but, you know, you're
allowed to make mistakes.

No one is perfect.

I'm so confident
with everything else, you know?

But when it comes to this...
stuff, it's like I'm broken.

"Stuff"?

You mean sex?

Ms. Singh, sounds like you're
dealing with a lot of shame.

And like you're afraid
of intimacy.

We learned this all from you,
Ms. Singh.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

And also from TikTok.

You'll find your way.

Good luck with your smashing,
Ms. Singh.

-I believe in you.
-Thanks, Nathaniel.

Hey, you got this, Ms. Singh.

-Fuck it up, Ms. Singh.
-I'll try.

Hey.

Do you want to come to my house
for an early dinner?

Holy shit balls.

The fuck?

Who is it?

Yeah, I'm looking for Barb.

What's the password?

Uh...

"Clitoris"?

- Enter, darling.
- Yeah.

Barb, this looks amazing.

Mm. I steal all the ingredients
from the cafeteria.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Okay, also, I have to ask.

Your house is, like,
really nice and super...

-Expensive.
-Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Full disclosure.
I have been married twice.

My second husband was very rich.

He invented
the little robot vacuum.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

I've always wanted one of those.

It was my idea.
You know how it is.

Behind every great man is
an even greater woman

doing all the invisible labor.

Mm, totally.

So, can I ask, uh,
why didn't it work out?

Oh, uh, he couldn't keep up
with me, sexually.

Also, he had a real problem

with my orgasm face,
so I started faking it.

What face were you making?

Ooh...!

Wow. I mean, that should be
your profile picture.

-It is.
-Oh.

Are you not gonna
return the favor?

Go ahead. We're in a safe space.

Oh.

-That is good.
-Yeah?

-Yeah. You go inward
and I go outward.
-Huh.

You know, I was repressing
a lot of myself being with him.

-I didn't fart for six years.
-Shit.

Maya, being in your class
has been liberating.

That makes me really happy.

But I've been thinking,
maybe I actually

don't know what I'm doing,
you know?

Maybe I should quit.

What?! No!

You cannot quit on those kids.

I'm-I'm not even a real teacher.

This isn't what I do.

Honey,

I think it is what you do.

Hmm.

Ooh...!

Mm.

-Oh!
-Ooh.

-Oh...!
-Ooh...

The sexual revolution
was essential.

It worked to normalize
contraception,

porn, premarital sex,

homosexuality,
masturbation and abortions.

You know what? Maybe as a kid,

you were taught
that even thinking about sex

meant you were a bad person.

They told you not to
touch yourself down there

because then you'd get
a weird disease on your fingers

and maybe they would fall off.
Then you wouldn't be
able to type

and get a professional degree,
and then it's like,

how would you get back
to America?

And now, every time you even
come close to having an orgasm,

all you can think about is
your grandmother's face.

You're so close.

Just like...

Nani.

She's right there.

For too long, we've obsessed
over this idea of

"What will other people think?"

'Cause we don't want
to bring shame to ourselves

and to our families.

Well, kids, I'm here to tell you

that those days are over!

Yeah, they are.

Because everyone gets horny.

- Yeah!
- Everyone has wet dreams.

- Yeah!
- Let's go.

And everybody's mother

has licked their vibrator
at some point.

We need a sex ed revolution,

and it needs to start
in this school today!

Am I right? Am I fucking right?!

Ms... Ms. Singh!

Ms. Singh! Ms. Singh!

Get down. Come on. Get down.

- Get down.
- Get down.

-Ms. Singh, get down.
-Get down.

Mrs. Smeighton,
will you please take over

-while Ms. Singh is gone?
Come on.
-Yes, of course.

- No, come on!
- No, Ms. Singh.

Let's take a walk.

- That's bullshit!
- I heard that swear.

Party's over.

Let's get this filth
off the screen.

It's time for your sex education

to truly begin.

Do you know any sex positions?

Yeah, sure, I know
a good sex position.

Syphilis.

Have you lost your fucking mind?

I am teaching these kids
valuable lessons, okay?

They're not learning this stuff
at home.

I hired you to teach
a strict curriculum

enforced by the state
and the school board,

and you decided to become
the Malala of sex education.

Now they've got my urethra

wrapped around my neck
like a noose.

When I started at this school,

one of my students thought

the cervix
was a new Tesla model.

And your mom
sucking on your vibrator

is educational how?

She wasn't sucking it.
She just licked it.

I need to work at this school.

-I am learning so much.
-Look at my hands.

-What?
-Do you see
anything in them? No.

Because this is officially

in the hands of
the school board now.

Okay. Fine.
So who do I speak to?

Your only option is
to make an appeal

at the board's next meeting.

But I doubt
it'll make a difference.

They're a bunch of tyrants.

When is it?

Wait, Ms. Singh!

Sorry. I'm actually
not your teacher anymore.

Mm, that sucks.

I just wanted to tell you
I didn't have sex
with my boyfriend.

Really?

He wasn't respecting
my boundaries.

And he also wanted to do it
to Chainsmokers.

Mm, yeah. That's a red flag.

But...
good for you, Abbey.

I wish you could stay.

Mrs. Smeighton says every time
you have premarital sex

an angel dies.

Hmm.

Anyway, I should get
back to class.

Yeah.

I want to look away,
but I can't.

And now let's watch
the video in reverse

so the baby goes back in.

Get in, loser.
We're going TPing.

Yeah, I'm not in the mood, Jess.

Ah. Me neither.

Honestly, Tonya and I got
in this huge fight at Target.

We don't fuck
as much as we used to.

Come on.
High school bucket list.

TP the principal's house.

I mean, the bitch deserves it.

What is that gonna accomplish?

I don't know, Aunty.
It'll make us feel good?

Why am I even listening to you?

Not everything is about
feeling good, Jess.

-I never said that.
-Yeah, eventually,

you just have to, like,
grow up and be responsible.

Seriously?
You're telling me to grow up?

That is... That's funny.

Why? Huh? 'Cause I'm a virgin?

No. 'Cause you're stuck
on some childhood trauma,

and you expect everyone else
to accommodate.

A-And now
you're lashing out at me

even though I've done nothing
but help you

since you got back.

Well, I didn't realize
you were keeping score.

Yeah, what are you,
my therapist?

You're gonna send me
a fucking invoice?

You know what your problem is?
You're salty

because I'm not afraid
of intimacy and you are.

Here's the thing.

-I don't need your help.
-Oh.

'Cause I don't want to be
like you.

Okay? I don't want to have sex
two times a day

or finger-fuck a papaya, okay?

Because you know why?
It's not a good look.

It's embarrassing.

Wow.

You're fucked-up, dude.

That's not my problem.

You'll need this 'cause
you're a fucking asshole!

I've been
wanting to do something
for quite a while.

-Let me get my ID.
-That's okay.
You look old enough.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Maya?

Yeah, that's me.

Hey. Maya.

It's me.

Sohan.

-Sohan?
-Yeah.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

This is my job.
You're in my office.

What the fuck
are you doing here?

-I thought you were in India.
-I came back.

-Holy shit.
-Holy shit. Yeah.

What have you been up to?

Well, I-I was a sex ed teacher.

And then I got fired
because the school thought

I was being inappropriate
with my students.

Yeah, even though I was
just being a badass bitch.

-Ah, damn.
-Yeah.

But I'm actually
a computer engineer.

I'm launching
my own app soon, so...

-Damn.
-Yeah.

Okay, well, uh,
this was gonna be my last ride

of the night anyway, so...

You trying to fuck
with some Molly?

Mm...

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. Mm, yeah.

Ooh, Maya,
you are still so sexy.

You were, like, the first guy
I ever had feelings for.

Can't believe
I'm gonna lose it to you.

Mm-hmm. Wait, what?
What? Lose what?

I just meant like, you know,
lose control

and just go wild
while we just... sex.

I was so in love with you.

-Yeah?
-It sucked when you moved.

I mean, it wa--
it was for the best, right?

I mean, how did you keep
going to school?

Wasn't it so humiliating?

No, not really.

Mm, what do you mean,
"No, not really"?

I mean, we were kids.

And also, it helped me
get a girlfriend

after you left.

So, let me get this straight.

Uh, I got sent away,
and you got a girlfriend

and a fun memory?

Are you... mad?

I thought
you wouldn't give a shit.

I mean, you're Maya.

What does that even mean?

It means you're a badass. Right?

Yeah.

Now I'm just
an unemployed half-teacher.

Well, you are
the sexiest half-teacher

I've ever seen.

Holy shit.

Okay.

Did your dick eat
a Super Mario mushroom?

'Cause that shit is
twice the size.

I used to be proud of it,
but honestly,

it's caused a lot of problems
in my intimate life

over the last few years.

Uh-huh.

Look.
She's offering two mangoes to the king.

Come on, stoner.

What a big, strong snake.

Hey, um, are you okay?

Maya?

Are you okay?

Yeah, that's my boy, Sohan!

Extra careful.

Maya?

Maya? Maya?

Oh, my God.

Is this the penetration fever?

-Did I lose my virginity?
-No.

-You're on drugs, bro.
-Wha--

Fuck!

Ugh! I was so close.

Why are you such a weirdo
with sex?

God, what happened to me?

I've always been
like this, okay?

-Something is wrong with me.
-That's not true.

Because just a few seconds ago,
I showed Sohan my bomb-ass tits

and I saw his penis.

Minus him coming in my pupil,

-I liked the whole thing.
-I was judged.

Okay, I felt ashamed for being
some sort of sexual freak,

and now I feel like a freak
for not being sexual enough.

I just-- I don't know
what people want from me.

So, when I grow up,
I let other people decide

what's right for me?

That sounds like some bullshit.

It's not that simple.

Isn't it, for you at least?

I mean, I'm getting sent away
in a few days,

but you're an adult now,
and you can decide

- what's right for you.
- Maya?

You have a lot to unlearn, Maya.

Maya? Maya?

- Maya?
- Wake up.

Maya!

Hey.

Holy shit!
Sohan, that was amazing.

We didn't do anything.

I just had
a major life realization.

Whoa. You know,
every time you see my wiener,

you go through a major change.

Good luck with your,
uh, situation, man.

-Yeah, it's a problem.
-Yeah.

And, yo,
fuck what those people say.

Show the world your boobs.

They're beautiful.

Thanks.

High school bucket list, bitch.

Make a mix CD for your
best friend. I'm sorry.

Also it's really hard
to burn a CD these days.

So we will be doing
a fundraiser in January

as cafeteria costs
just keep ballooning.

Next order of business
is to discuss

the concerns that we've had

regarding
our sex education program.

Specifically its instructor,
Ms. Singh.

Ms. Singh has asked to have
her position reinstated.

And I think that we owe it
to her to hear her out.

So...

Hear what? She's got to go
before she Kama Sutras
our school!

-Lock her up!
-Yeah.

I say let's hear her out.

Maybe there's a reason she's
been acting like a dumb bitch.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Maya Singh.

And I'm a virgin.

I know that's hard
to believe at my age.

I've come to terms
with the fact that I got

white pubes
before ever getting laid.

Thing is, as a kid, you're
taught to be scared of sex.

Especially if you're a girl.

It was always,
"You immediately get pregnant."

"And your hymen will explode."

I never got the talk.

I don't know shit about my body.

I'm horrified
of going to the gyno,

and I still don't even know
how to put a tampon in.

I used to blame my mom
and my grandma

for calling my vagina
"shame-shame."

Yeah, but the truth is,

they're messed up
because of the same system

I'm fighting here today.

And no, before you say,
it's not "an Indian thing."

It's a universal thing.

I used to think that we should
censor the world from kids.

But after meeting yours,

I feel like
maybe we should give them

the right tools instead.

That's why I created "The Talk."

A sex education app.

For the kids in my class.

Let me show you.

Wrong one! Wrong one! Sorry!

There we go. "The Talk."

Through the comfort of the app,
your kids can ask you,

their teachers, the community,
questions about sex.

And there's a database
of information for both sides.

Because let's be real.

You don't know what the fuck
your kids are talking about.

And if things get
really awkward,

you can even
gamify the conversation.

Get her out of here!

-Shame!
-Shame! Shame!

Okay, everybody.

Quiet, everyone!

Ms. Singh may not be perfect.

In fact, she's-she's far
from perfect.

Like, like, really far. I mean,

she hasn't even
given us a test or anything.

But she's the best teacher
we've ever had.

When I told Ms. Singh
I wanted to have sex

with my boyfriend, she didn't
treat me like delinquent.

No, she actually listened to me.

Ms. Singh empowered me
to make my own decisions

and gave me the tools
to do that.

And I'm thankful.

Thank you.

I'm a virgin!

Yeah, me, too.

I've had the chance to smash.

Lots of times, but I-I didn't.

Because...

I don't really know
how to do it.

I used to be embarrassed
about that,

but not anymore,
thanks to Ms. Singh.

Plus, I know my girlfriend
loves me anyway.

I'm gay.

Yes! Yes!

What?

I didn't realize it
until Ms. Singh's class.

I'm, like, definitely
on the spectrum.

It feels so good.

Get it, girl.

Women sleep with me because

they think I'm Harrison Ford.

I masturbate to Shark Week.

I like Jesus,
but I love gay porn.

Yeah!

I'm still a virgin,
but I've done anal!

I'm in love
with my math teacher.

That's right.
I love you, Ms. Smeighton.

What we have is special.

Oh, God.

Fuck me sideways.

You said make a grand gesture,
right?

Oh, my God.

I don't know what
this young man is talking about.

I'm trying to show you
that I'm serious.

I'm not just a kid.

I want to be with you, Linda.

-Oh, uh... Huh?
-What on earth
is going on here?

This is clearly
a very sick joke.

-I mean,
I barely know this student.
-What?

Linda, what about all the times

we made sweet love
in the supply closet?

She told me to delete it
off my phone, but...

it's still in the cloud!

Oh!

Oh, my God, that's not me!
That is not me!

-And I will cherish it forever.
-Go, Jason!

Everyone, please remain calm!

Damn, she got a sidepiece!

Not so fast, bitch juice.

The police have been called.

I wouldn't go anywhere
if I were you, you perv.

Sex can be good.

Linda.

Uh, suspect
is in custody. Beige dress.

Kind of looks like
Scott Pilgrim with tits.

I bet her orgasm face sucks ass.

Totally.

I'll wait for you, Linda!

Kid, fuck someone your own age.

Speaking of fucking
somebody your own age.

- Oh.
- Eh?

-Hey.
-Hey.

- Your speech was brave.
- Thanks.

- It's, uh, already viral.
- I'm a virgin.

I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.

- 200,000 views. Fun.
- I love gay porn.

So, I'm a...
virgin that projected onto you.

You probably think
I'm such a loser.

Actually, I find it refreshing.

Shut up, Allux.

I'm serious.

Hey, um...

do you want to...

...go to the Spring Fling
together?

I'd love to.

If I'm allowed.

Oh.

Spring Fling on that dick!

Nice.

- I'm a virgin.
- I've done anal!

I'm a virgin.
I'm a virgin.

I'm-I'm...

- Ding-dong.
- I love gay porn!

Porn. Porn.

Women sleep with me
because they think

I'm Harrison Ford. Ford. Ford.

- I'm a virgin.
- Ding-dong, ding-dong.

- I'm in love with
my math teacher!
I'm a virgin.

Your aunty sent it to me.

Her eyebrow lady's daughter's

best friend was there.

Of course. You had a mole.

You've been lying
this whole time?

-What happened
to computer science?
-It was only temporary, okay?

I had to teach sex ed
to research my demo.
It was for funding.

You think people are
going to fund your app?

They don't even respect you
as a half-teacher.

And why are you announcing your
personal matters to the world?

These subjects should be
private, especially a...

Woman? You know what, Mom?

I don't accept that anymore.

Our culture is
full of badass women.

Nani. Like, every aunty
I've ever met. You.

You're literally fearless,

except when it comes time
to doing what's best for you.

Leave me out of this, Maya.

No, Mom...

How long are you gonna punish
yourself for Dad's mistakes?

Dad is the one that messed up.

Yet he's out there
living his life.

Even though
he should be ashamed.

And here you are, thinking
you deserve to be alone.

Why?
Because what will people think?

Well, you know what, Mom?
It's time to think for yourself.

Are you really a virgin?

Yes.

Oh, my God, Maya.

How is this possible
at your age?

Are you serious?

Dude, you look hot.

Last item on the bucket list.

Go to the school dance
with your crush.

Maybe lose your virginity.

Jess, thank you
for everything, okay?

And I know I was a dick.

You were like a big,
sloppy, hairy, veiny dick.

Yes.

Actually, you were
more like a used tampon

on, like, a heavy flow day.

But, like,
ripped out and then dragged

on the street after garbage day.

-Totally.
-No, no.

I'm realizing
this is what you were.

You were like a porta-potty
at a curry festival

- frequented by white people.
- Ah, yeah.

- That's what you were.
- Right.

Lots of smells.

Actually,
it's coming to me now.

You were like a samosa

filled with diarrhea.

No, this is what you were.

-You were a dirty anal bead.
-Oh, okay.

I don't know what that is,
but I agree.

I'm sorry. I promise I will not
let my shit impact your shit.

Thank you.

-Have so much fun.
-Thank you.

-I love you.
-Love you, too.

And hey.

This is serious.

If you see his dick,
I want you to take a picture.

-Jess, go.
-I want to see his ding-dong.

You look beautiful.

May-ah.

Thank you. As do you, Allux.

Who's your friend, Maya?

Oh, Mom.

-Uh, this is Alex.
-Mm.

He's my date.

And he's here at the front door.

Not hiding down the street.

-Hmm.
-N-Nice to meet you, Ms. Singh.

I promise I'll have her home
on time tonight.

Nice to meet you, too, Alex.

But I won't be waiting up.

Farhad is taking me
to the movies.

Good evening, Veena.

He's also
not hiding down the street.

Oh, Veena.

You look so beautiful.

Hello, Maya.

Hi.

Hello. I'm Farhad.

-Alex.
-Oh.

Thank you so much for
letting me to borrow this.

It really does make things
taste much better.

-Is that a...
-Blender! Yeah. We should go.

-Bye-bye.
-Have a great night.

- Cocktails?
- Yes, of course.

Hi.

I hope that's not a flask.

Welcome to Proudamore's
Spring Fling.

Uh, it's been a scary semester
to say the least.

But, uh...

we made it, yippee. Okay.

Uh, now we're gonna have
a special musical performance.

So, uh, let's give
a nice warm Proudamore welcome

to the Vybe Raiders.

We are the Vybe Raiders,
and this first song

goes out to Ms. Singh
for being one crazy ho.

Damn.

Hey.
- Hey.

So, uh...

I tried downloading your app,
but I couldn't find it.

Kyle, I'm flattered.
But building an app like that

requires a lot of funding.

Which I'm not sure
I'll ever get.

That sucks.

I have a lot of questions
about... heartbreak.

Hey, Kyle?

Do you want to dance?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.
-Okay!

-Hey. Do you...
-No!

- 'Kay.
-

Yeah!

Hey. Thanks for
letting me come tonight.

I didn't.
You just kind of showed up.

-Ah.
-But thanks to you,

we are having a board meeting

to possibly discuss maybe hiring

an outside NGO to teach
sex ed from now on.

Wow. That's...

maybe, possibly awesome, then.

Maya, you were right.

Kids do need better sex ed.
But change takes time.

I mean, we're still teaching
them about Columbus Day.

I thought teaching kids
about dicks wasn't allowed.

Hey, good luck with everything.

Also, I think
you should fuck Alex.

Guy looks good
in gray sweatpants.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home for
a little commander-in-chief.

'Kay. Right.

What was that about?

It's better if I don't
give you the visual.

Got it.

I'm really happy
we're here together.

Listen, Alex, you have been
so understanding and sweet,

and I really like you.

And I want to get to know you.

I just-- I want to be honest.

There's a whole part of me
that I haven't explored.

And I owe it to myself
to figure it out.

You don't have to explain.
Let's just take it slow.

And if you have
to take a step back

and do your thing,
I'll understand.

-Really?
-Really.

You want to dance?

Yeah.

No, Alex and I didn't have sex.

Still a virgin.

And you know what?
I'm cool with it.

It'll happen when I'm ready
for it to happen.

-Hi, Barb.
-Did peen work
make the dream work?

No. Also, aren't you
supposed to be at work?

Oh, I quit.
I only did it to stay busy.

And you know
I don't need the money.

-Right?
-Yeah, I know.

But you do, honey.

So why don't we put my money

where my mouth is
and have "The Talk."

W-Wait, Barb, are you serious?

Are you saying
you want to fund my app?

I am.

Hey, guys, you got to check out

this sick new app called
"The Talk."

I know the creator,
and she's crazy.

Got time
for a little ginger spice?

You know I can't resist
the gray sweatpants.

It's an app that's taking
social media by storm.

My favorite game is
Word Foreplay.

It actually teaches you
about anatomy.

I had no idea
my wife had a... "vulva."

Trying to make sex education
an open conversation.

Way to show 'em
your boobs, Maya.

I'm gonna have to cancel
spin class tomorrow.

Really?

She said yes!

-My dear.
-Aw.

Ooh...!

- Whoa, whoa. Sit back down.
- You didn't think I'd leave you

without a little credits song,
did you?

Let me break the fourth wall

like I'm trying to break
my hymen real quick.

I'm 35, and I asked my mom
permission to be in this movie.

Special thanks
to all these freaks.

Look at all these freaky songs.

"Peacock Dance"?
"Cock." Get it?

Not to mention, our composers?
Freaks.

Entire post-production crew?

More like post seduction crew.

Not based on a true story,

but based on a true story,
you know?

I hope you enjoyed it.

Look at all these freaky unions
right here.

You know,
protection's important.

Likely Story?

And the story is
they're likely freaks.

Unicorn Island? Sounds horny.

Camelback? Camel toe freaks.

Canada? Full of freaks.

CMPA freaks.

P.S. This copyright right here?
Freak.

Uh, now if you'll excuse me.