Original subtitles

Action.

Cool.

Zoe, time for school!

I'm brushing my teeth!

So I get a call at seven in the morning. And they say oh

by the way, Zoe needs to bring three dozen cupcakes to school

for a play this afternoon. This is seven am THIS morning

you understand. I've got an order of studs arriving,

I got to be at the construction site by nine AM

so in my free time, sure, why not get in some baking?

Oh, and they got to be pink. Everything is pink right now.

Oscar!

Can I get a little help in here?

The waffles are burning.

Um, Sal?

There's blood dripping through the ceiling fixture again.

Zoe!

We re busy having a domestic disaster. Leave a message.

Um, hi Dad, it's Zilla.

I just wanted to call and see how you re doing.

Actually, I thought I might come home for a visit.

Just to say hi. So, you know, pick up the phone.

Zoe! If you lock this thing one more time I swear

I will cut it off with a power saw.

You know this is for emergency use only.

When someone is downstairs trying to murder you

you get to lock this door, not before.

Now I know you re in there. Come out of the closet.

Look at you.

It's the last day of school.

Can't you keep your uniform clean for ten seconds?

How does it reflect on me as a father if you show up to school

covered in blood every day?

Come on, let's get you in the shower.

Hi Dad, Zilla again.

Look, I'd really like to talk to you before I get home.

Actually, I have some news.

I'm not pregnant. And I haven't been arrested...

So keep that in mind when you hear my news, okay?

It's important to keep perspective about these things.

I can't believe all her school uniforms have

bloodstains on them.

Hey, it's not my fault.

Do I look like some kind of fashion expert?

There's a difference between identifying a fashion trend

and identifying a bloodstain, Oscar.

I forgot my costume!

I'm late. Can't you go on without it?

I can't be in a play without my costume.

It's the only thing we re doing today. Just the play.

I ll take her home.

No you won't. She ll show up in some kind of ghoul ensemble.

I ll go.

You forgot to bring your costume

or you forgot to make your costume?

You forgot the cupcakes.

Son of a...

Pink.

Dad?

Zilla?

What are you doing home from school?

We weren't expecting you.

Actually Dad, there's something I have to tell you.

You re pregnant.

You know, just because you and Mom got pregnant in college

doesn't mean everyone makes the same mistake.

Not in front of your sister.

So-so you re not...?

No. No chance whatsoever.

Oh. Good!

Well we re in a huge hurry here, honey

so maybe we can talk later this afternoon.

Dad, I really need to talk now.

I need raw meat.

In the fridge.

Are you having problems at school?

And the internship?

I, um-I turned that down.

That was a really good internship, Zilla.

How are you supposed to get into a good med school if.

Look Dad, if you re going to freak out about the internship

you re really not going to be able to handle my news.

There's more news?

So there's this kind of crazy, angry PTA mom on the phone?

And she says that they re missing 36 pink cupcakes.

She seems to be under the impression that you stole them.

Hi, Zilla.

Hi, Uncle Oscar.

Just-tell them they re on the way.

Could-could you just tell her? Frankly she's scary, bro.

Dad, we re going to be late!

Okay. Oscar, you take Zoe to school. Then call

the construction site and tell them we re going to be late.

Tell them there's been some kind of freak accident.

I ll tell them there's been a kite boarding collision.

Whatever.

How do you feel about helping me bake?

This is disgusting.

They don't have to taste good, honey, they just have to exist.

So what's your news?

Before I tell you, I want you to promise that you ll

be happy for me.

How can I promise that, honey? I don't know what the news is.

Well, it's something that makes me happy.

Well frankly, I don't know what makes you happy.

I mean, maybe you've always wanted to be a trapeze artist.

I'm not going to applaud you for leaving college

to join the circus.

Or maybe you met a handsome drug dealer.

I mean, just tell me what the news is honey.

Do you want me to guess?

Well, the second one is closer.

You re squeezing out all the frosting, Zilla.

Now I don't have any frosting.

Okay, let's just say hypothetically I promise to be

happy with your news. Hypothetically, in what category

would this news fall?

It would fall in the love category.

Oh God. That's worse than I thought.

...And I'd like some of those orange ones with the sprinkles.

Not the round orange sprinkles.

The cylindrical orange sprinkles.

Excuse me, is this something that could possibly be sped up?

Because we re kind of in a time sensitive situation here.

Excuse me, but I think I have as much of a right to

personalize my confectionery choices as you do.

Oh, I'm not denying that right. It's just that, well, we have to

get three dozen pink cupcakes in the next sixty seconds

or I'm going to miss what's left of my daughter's school play.

Well, what kind of cupcakes?

We have raspberry strawberry, marionberry, red velvet.

Any kind! Just make them pink!

Now listen, Zilla. We have to go in there and see what's left

of your sister's play, and if you don't tell me

what your news is first, I will write you out of my will.

Fine. I'm getting married.

What?

Married? You re getting married? You are 21 years old.

You married Mom when you were 19!

Oh, and that was a brilliant idea, wasn't it?

I mean, do you see your mother around anywhere?

Have you heard from her in the past eight years?

You wouldn't even know what tenderness was

if it weren't for your Uncle Oscar!

I knew you were going to freak out. That's why I didn't

tell you over the phone!

This is absolutely out of the question!

Sorry. Excuse me.

What's this play about, anyway?

American History.

Um, you missed most of the play.

They just have the costume awards left.

You are still in college.

Is there some rule that college students can't be married?

Have you ever thought about how hard it will be to get through

med school if you have kids to raise?

That won't be a problem for us.

You can't necessarily plan these things, Zilla.

Birth control isn't always what it should be.

Thank you all for coming and joining us on this happy

family occasion.

I'd like to thank all the parents in the audience

for all the effort that you put into the baking and the costumes

and the students behind the curtain for all their hard work.

I'm sure they re ready for summer vacation.

In recognition of some of the costumes that really stood out

we would like to give out a few quick prizes.

The prize for the prettiest costume goes to

Mary Ann Percy as the Statue of Liberty.

Next, the prize for the coolest costume goes to

Tyson Baker who came as a Rough Rider.

And, ah, our judges decided to give out a third prize this year

The award for the most disturbing costume goes to

Zoe Balicki who decided to come as a pilgrim

who has been..

Scalped.

Zoe, we have to applaud your creativity.

However, a quick reminder for Zoe's parents...

Including, ah, raw meat on an

elementary school costume is not considered strictly sanitary

And now, if the children will join me in

singing our school song.

I didn't finish telling you my news.

I'm sorry, there's more?

I invited my fiancée's family over for dinner.

I want you to meet her.

Beg your pardon. Her?

I'm a lesbian, Dad.

What?

I'm a lesbian!

So, this is how you

choose to share important news with the family

Just dumping it on us out of the blue.

Believe me, coming out in the middle of a grade school play

was not my ideal way of coming out of the closet either.

Well, couldn't we have had a more gradual transition?

I mean, last I knew, you had a boyfriend.

Yeah, isn't there supposed to be some like

I don't know, sexual experimentation first?

There has been.

Oh God.

Come on Dad, when's the last time you

actually saw me with a man?

There was that guy you went to the Fire and Ice dance with.

Was that a woman?

No Uncle Oscar, that was Bobby Milton

and that was in the eighth grade.

What's going on?

Zilla's a lesbian now!

I've always been a lesbian, Uncle Oscar.

Well we re so sorry to offend you, Zilla.

We really apologize that your family's been too insensitive to

notice, possibly because you've always dated men.

I knew you wouldn't approve.

It's not that I disapprove, honey.

It's just... well, it's all very sudden.

Sal told me everything.

I brought you some chicken soup.

Okay...

You do understand that this is not like

a contagious disease that can be treated with soup, right?

And I brought some dresses for Zoe.

Hello, Marge.

Sal. Troubled times.

This is what happens when girls are raised without mothers

What, they become lesbians?

And Zoe! I heard she made a sensation at the school play.

How do you know these things?

I try to stay informed.

I've said it a million times. You've got to take better care

of these girls. You should remarry.

And I've told you a million times, Marge

I haven't met the right woman.

Maybe you re secretly gay.

Well, if it isn't the movie director.

How's the horror film coming, Ms. Kubrick?

Has my coffin arrived?

It came yesterday. I still don't know what

you want with a coffin.

Aren't you small, miniature people supposed to be in school?

It's vacation.

Then why aren't you out playing with your youthful peers?

Don't you have any friends?

Do you?

Touché.

Where is it?

In the back. I ll get it.

This doesn't look real.

It's for magic shows.

This is stupid.

You order away, you pay.

You hear about the horror contest?

Hosted by the Film Foundation.

Hundred dollars cash prize for whoever turns in

the best short horror film.

When's the deadline?

July 1st.

It's for college kids, dummy!

You ll never win.

Okay, I think that we've all had enough time to think

about this new situation and adjust.

The important thing is that Lu's family is coming over for

dinner and we need to get ready to greet them.

What's this family like, dear?

I guess they re sort of formal.

Formal? Like, how formal?

Well, they re conservatives from New York

so Lu says they always dress for dinner.

Dress in what?

Like, in clothes? Cause we do that, we wear clothes.

The men wear ties.

How many men?

Um, Lu has three brothers,

so I guess there ll be eleven.

Eleven?

We don't have enough forks.

Fancy conservative types always have extra forks.

And they don't recycle. They hate environmentalists.

Well they re gonna love Portland.

You guys, please!

I'm asking you to do this for me.

Not because you support gays or conservatives or whatever.

But because you love and care about me.

If I start now, I can get three lasagnas in the oven.

I ll make a salad and take the Greenpeace signs off the lawn.

I will set the table.

Okay, you re a recently reincarnated

emotionally confused werewolf who hasn't had anything to eat

in ten centuries. Action!

I think it needs more hunger.

I have to go inside soon. I'm supposed to be studying.

Francis, we re in the middle of a film shoot.

I know, but I only got to come out because Grandma fell asleep.

Don't you get summer break in home school?

Grandma says summer break is for farmers.

She's not going to be thrilled about this lawn.

Okay, maybe we can speed things up.

If we show the werewolf coming out of the coffin

then we can get rid of the establishing shot.

Action!

Stupid thing.

What's wrong with it?

It's for magicians. I never should have ordered it.

Are you okay?

I may be having an allergy attack.

What are you allergic to?

Grass, nuts, wheat, dairy, soy..

It says here that the oyster fork goes next to the spoon.

That can't be right.

We re not serving oysters, Oscar.

I'm going to go pick up Lu's family from the airport.

I still can't believe they flew out for this.

Where are they staying?

I invited them to stay with us.

What?

You always told me to feel free

to invite friends home from school!

Yeah, friends.

Not entire families of culturally conservative lesbians

who want to marry my daughter!

It's like I told you.

Girls need a woman's touch or they turn out, different.

There's nothing different about my daughters, Marge.

Dad, could you buy me a coffin?

Um, no Zoe.

Why would you want a coffin?

I need one.

Zoe, only dead people need coffins.

Here Zoe, come help me with the place cards.

We re having company for dinner.

Can I invite Francis?

Sure.

Hey, she needs to take a shower first.

Zoe, go wash up and put on something more formal.

Hello, Mrs.McGillicuddy.

Is there something wrong?

I ll say there's something wrong. My dog is missing.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I know your daughter had something to do with this.

Zilla?

The little one. With the fangs.

I'm sorry Mrs. McGillicuddy, but Zoe doesn't even like dogs.

I didn't say she liked them.

The way she looks at Fifi...

Like that cannibal man.

Hannibal Lecter.

Mrs. McGillicuddy, I promise you Zoe did not eat your dog.

But we ll be sure to let you know if Fifi shows up, okay?

Weirdo.

Who's the weirdo, Sal?

Your neighbor or your daughter?

Zoe, I said put on something more formal.

Now hurry up, they re almost here.

Let's make sure everything goes well. For Zilla's sake.

Welcome!

We re so happy to finally meet you!

So I said to Luna

sweetheart, I don't care if you marry a man a woman

or one of those bizarre transgender types.

All I want are grandchildren

and with artificial insemination these days

that's entirely possible.

I think Zilla wants to finish college before she has kids.

Well, naturally!

But she won't want to wait too long.

I waited until I was older to have children and quite frankly

I think something went wrong with my eggs.

They re practically mutes.

So you re a gay couple?

Um, no.

Mm mm, no no, we re not any kind of couple.

That would be an incestuous relationship.

We re brothers.

Hmm.

You come off like a gay couple.

Anyway

Have you thought about what kind of ceremony you want?

Well, I think we'd like something very small

and informal... with just a few of our closest friends.

Oh. Well that wouldn't be very festive, would it?

Don't be afraid to splurge a little, sweetheart.

Geoffrey and I have decided we want to cover everything.

We re delighted to do it, aren't we dear?

Ecstatic.

Well now, wait a minute.

Why should you pay?

Well, it's traditional for the bride's family

to cover expenses.

Yes, but there are two brides here.

Well I just thought that because

we re really extremely supportive.

Now hey, I don't think that's very fair.

Sal was a little taken aback

when Zilla said she wanted to get married

because she's so young.

That doesn't mean he's not supportive.

He's very supportive.

Are you?

Yes.

Sal has raised these two little girls all on his own

and yes, he gets a little surly sometimes, don't get me wrong.

He has a lot of weaknesses.

Frankly, he's terrifying if you wake him up early in the morning

and if you spill just a little bit of furniture varnish

in the laundry machine..

Watch out.

He's also...

Ahem, thanks Oscar.

But overall he is a very good guy.

And so if you want to have this competition of

who's the most supportive parent

I would like to nominate Sal as a very strong contender.

I'm not competing.

We would be happy to host Lu and Zilla's wedding.

And we ll do everything we can to make it special.

Well if we host the wedding, we ll go all out.

Couldn't you both host the wedding?

Jointly?

I suppose we could consider that.

This is going to be the best wedding since

Prince William and Kate Middleton!

But we don't want.

Now nonsense, sweetheart.

Everyone says they don't want a big wedding

but I know it's every girl's dream.

And I know it's hard to plan a wedding without your mother.

But I've always wanted another daughter

and it doesn't look like I ll be acquiring one via these buffoons

any time soon.

I'd be honored

if you'd try to think of me in that role.

I ll be your new mother.

Mr. Balicki.

I want you to know that I found Fifi.

Shorn.

Humiliated.

In hiding..

Sweetheart.

Zoe.

Did you..

Shave this dog?

No...

I used your gardening shears.

That's it.

I don't know what's gotten into you lately but

all this horror stuff is getting too weird.

Give me that camera.

But Dad...

I'm serious. Hand it over.

No more horror films.

If you want to film something you can film..

Your sister's wedding.

Nothing else.

Aaaaahhh!

I need you to be here in ten minutes

with your werewolf costume and a carton of denture wax.

I ll see if I can skip chess practice.

But how come it's so important?

Okay.

You know those severed fingers I was marinating in the fridge?

Yeah.

Well, Lu's mother came downstairs dressed as a ghoul.

Why would she be dressed as a ghoul?

I don't know, but she was.

And she saw the fingers and screamed.

So I realized that we can make a horror film

without anybody realizing that they re in the horror film.

I'm... so confused right now.

Never mind. Just come over and I ll explain later.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah.

There were a couple things under the cushions, but..

Once I took them out, I slept great.

Oh God.

Could you avoid the public displays of affection?

We re eating.

We just got engaged, Dad.

Be grateful we re not making out on the coffee table.

Yes, thank you for that.

I couldn't help noticing

that the pickle jar is full of..

Fingers.

Oh yeah. That's Zoe.

My advice would be if you re squeamish about anything like

severed body parts..

Never open the fridge.

Eat canned food.

Well..

This is going to be a marvelous day!

Wedding dress shopping!

Wedding dress shopping?

If Mom can incorporate shopping

into her daily routine, she will.

Shopping for that kind of girly stuff really makes me nervous.

All those perfume smells.. And the makeup counter..

Well, we only have a month to plan the wedding.

Dresses take time.

Are you sure you don't want to rethink.

Mom.

The wedding has to be in June.

My residency starts in July.

Saturday June 30th

end of story.

Then shopping is definitely in order.

In fact, we'd better shop for the entire bridal party!

Will you be joining us?

Um, no. Thank you for the thought. I have to work.

Oscar will be going along to represent the family.

You don't work?

Um, I would say I'm temporarily

on a leave of absence from official duties.

You re unemployed.

This is Portland. Unemployment is more like...

an art form.

Can I come shopping?

I'm sorry, you want to go shopping?

And since we ll be doing wedding stuff

I ll need my camera.

I can shoot the wedding planning.

Like a documentary.

Documentaries are educational.

Fine.

But I don't want any weird horror stuff, alright?

Have you thought about

who's going to be in your bridal party?

Oh yes.

Well of course Matt, Mark and John will be on Lu's side.

And on my side I ll have my two best friends from Portland

Pat and Angie.

And Zoe's going to be my flower girl!

You re Pat.

Patrick.

It's so nice to meet you.

Oh, no. Sorry guys, but I promised your dad.

No more horror stuff.

How much to unlock the rental car?

How about ten bucks?

We don't have that much.

Maybe you could earn it.

What would we have to do?

I think a good prank would be a timely diversion right about now

I don't know any pranks.

You ll have to think of one.

Okay.

What if we go into the shop and hide everybody's clothes?

And when they re done trying on wedding stuff,

all their clothes will be gone and everyone will scream.

You re on.

There's my little flower girl!

We've got to get you into your dress, dear.

Um, where do I put my clothes?

We can put them in a garment bag for you, dear.

Alright, I did it. Now give me the keys.

Nice dress.

I'd keep the comments about the dress

to a minimum if I were you.

Okay. The werewolf just climbed out of his coffin

and he's wandering around town lonely.

He wants friends.

But no one will be friends with him because he's a monster.

The only way he can make friends is if they become monsters too.

So he has to bite someone.

Action.

Now that is adorable.

Oh, and what about this one?

Would you like to try a mother-of-the-bride dress?

Ooh, that would be lovely!

I don't know, it's kind of dumpy.

I don't feel like any of these

really capture my true personality.

You have to get higher up.

But this would look lovely on you!

Mom, you know I don't wear dresses.

You don't normally get married either Lu

but I was hoping you could make an exception

for the most elaborate day of your life.

Now darling

this would look absolutely fabulous on you.

Doesn't it just leave you at a loss for words?

Yes.

Now this is me.

Excuse me, but that is out of the question.

We are planning a classic, black tie wedding.

Oh, in Portland?

I don't think I own a black tie.

Well, it's your niece's wedding. You can buy one.

If Pat gets to wear that, I want to wear this.

Picture it with combat boots.

Absolutely not.

What we re going to need for her is something with sleeves.

Excuse me

but I feel like my accoutrement preferences are not being..

Respected?

I mean, I'm wearing pants. Why can't he wear a dress?

How come she gets to wear pants and I don't?

Hey. You re at a here, and I need to see you at a here.

I'd also be willing to wear the blue taffeta

with rhinestones.

Maybe everyone should wear all black.

Ordinarily I think rhinestones are super tacky

but this is a wedding, and we have to sparkle.

Who are you, Liberace?

I just want everyone to feel comfortable..

Comfortable? In that?

Hey, I saw this exact same look in the June issue of Vogue.

On a man or a woman?

I told you we should have eloped.

I volunteer to wear a tuxedo

to balance out Pat's slutty barmaid costume.

It's not a slutty barmaid costume

it's a gown!

I am not wearing a dress!

This is not just choose your favorite gender day!

There are RULES.

Where are the garment bags?

The ones in the shipping closet?

I sent them out on the delivery truck half an hour ago.

I didn't hang them in the shipping closet.

I hung them in the dressing rooms.

Those were not gowns.

Those were everyone's clothes!

Action!

Grrrrraaaaauuuuuugggghhhh!!!

Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!

Get off of me! Get off of me get off of me, get off of me

I will put you in your grave, little man!

Mom! Mom!

I will win! I will win..

The damage comes to $5,000 in ruined property.

You can't even go wedding dress shopping

without getting arrested?

It was a complicated situation, bro.

Oscar.

I asked you to represent the family's interests

and they ended up in jail.

Roar! Rar!

Aaaaaaahhh!!! What is-Ack! Eek!

Rar!

Aaaaaaahhh.

Roaaaar!

Aaaaaaahhh!!!

Roaaauuughhh!

Rooaaaauurr!

Aaaaaaaaahh!

I mean it's got to be about a wedding, right?

We re only allowed to shoot wedding stuff.

So the werewolf goes into this wedding shop trying to

bite people and he looks up and sees a bride.

And he falls in love.

I don't know..

Falling in love isn't as cool as biting people.

Francis, of course he's going to bite people

but there's got to be a plot.

We can't be too picky, the deadline's in three weeks.

I don't see why they have to get married in a church.

I've always dreamed of seeing my daughter married in a church.

Besides, weddings should be religious.

We re Jewish.

Non-practicing.

Fine.

So find a rabbi who's willing to perform a same-sex marriage

for non-practicing Jews, and he can be there too.

I found the perfect church.

They re non-denominational,

and they simply love the gays.

Why is Francis here?

Why is Francis always here?

Francis, why are you wearing this thing?

I thought you were allergic.

I have to practice, Mr. B.

Well if you re coming to the church with us

you need to at least take the mask off.

It's not appropriate.

Yeah, put it back on.

I think it's fair to say Mom won yesterday's brawl.

Matt, honestly it wasn't a brawl.

It was a simple miscommunication.

I couldn't help noticing that I was being strangled

so I reacted defensively.

All's well that ends well.

You consider doing jail time ending well, do you?

Well, we got what we came for.

The dresses were purchased, you could say we broke them in

and Zilla and Zoe will look lovely.

As for the bridesmaids.

I simply plan not to look at that half of the wedding photos.

Where is Zilla? It's time to go.

You know..

This dress we picked out..

It's not really my style.

I know it's not.

I thought it was some secret inner girliness

coming out after all these years.

No, it's just... Your mom really liked it.

It's our wedding. If you don't like it, return it.

I don't want to hurt your mother's feelings.

Well, if you care more about what other people think

than being who you are, then wear it.

I don't get it, Zill. Either you wear the dress or you return it.

Those are your only two options, right?

Right.

So what's the big deal?

What is this?

Oh, it's Portland. People like to let each other go first.

You go first.

No, you go first..

No, no, you go first.

Son of a bitch.

You go first.

You go first!

I won't!

Well! You are going to love this church.

It is absolutely charming.

I'm not really sure about getting married in a church..

I always imagined an outdoor wedding.

Well they have very large windows.

So that's almost like being outside.

So, the werewolf falls in love with the bride.

What would he do next?

Would he maybe eat something?

No, that's not what people do when they re in love.

They recite poetry and stuff.

But you re not ready to do that yet

because you have a problem...

The bride's in love with someone else.

So here's your mission in the church.

Make Zilla break up with Lu

and fall in love with you instead.

It is nice.

See?

Welcome!

I'm Pastor Bob and this is my wife, Earth.

You must be joking.

No. My kids call me Mother Earth.

Her parents were hippies.

Apparently it's genetic.

This is my daughter Luna and Zilla, her future...

...What would you call it, partner? Helpmate?

Wife.

Oh, just like us!

Yes, just like regular people.

Oh my God, I've never been inside an actual church before.

This is adorable!

Zilla and Lu could get married right now.

I ll make the toast!

To Zilla and Lu.

I hope your daughters aren't dirty sluts

like we were in high school.

That's the Blood of Christ.

Yeah, that's very nice, Zoe.

Now the first step to getting married at the Church of Peace

is to do an interview of the significant parties.

So if the significant parties could step right this way..

We re all significant.

Okay, we ll get more chairs.

Alright, make Zilla fall in love with you.

Action.

Is there a problem?

How do you make a girl fall in love with you?

I don't know. You ll probably have to kiss her or something.

So tell me.

What makes you want to get married at the Church of Peace

Well, the building is charming.

I mean it's precious.

And also, you re Christian, right?

Well, of course!

And when was the last time each of you actually went to church?

Ah well, that would be at my godson's baptism in

um.. Oh, um.

1987?

It was more recent than that.

And I'm sure there have been several times in between.

And the rest of you?

I guess that would be my marriage to my ex-wife.

Which was sixteen years ago.

My father's funeral.

Which is ironic

because that son-of-a-bitch is almost definitely in hell.

I'm Jewish.

I can't just kiss her.

Besides, my werewolf nose will get in the way.

Give her a hug then.

Maybe we ll just skip along to the next question.

Do you believe in God the Father Almighty

who sacrificed his only begotten Son

to save us from our sins?

No.

Dad.

What? I'm an atheist.

Me too! We have so much in common.

Um, thanks Francis.

I don't think she went for it.

That was my best possible hug.

Well, try to take things to the next level.

I'm a Jew

who converted to Catholicism

to marry my ex-wife then got divorced

which completely goes against the rules of Catholicism.

So I'm not really sure what I am now.

I'm a Neo-Mennonite.

Excuse me?

Wicca.

Okay well, um

what really matters here is what the brides believe.

So, Lu and Zilla?

I would describe myself as Christian.

You would?

Yeah.

Oh. Well...

I guess I'm not really sure what I believe in.

I mean, it seems to me like

a lot of religions could be on the right track.

But I do believe in spirituality and being nice to people.

Francis, get the hell off me..

I don't usually swear.

That was pathetic.

Obviously, she's a lesbian.

Next question...

Um, if you were to have children

would you raise them in the Christian faith?

We haven't really discussed that.

What have you discussed?

You don't even know what religion she is.

We've discussed that we love each other.

So you re divorced

your sister is divorced, your brother is divorced

and your parents were divorced?

Yeah.

Basically everyone in my family gets divorced.

Hey, Pastor Bob?

Delivery from Stump Town Funeral?

Oh, yes. If you could just put it by the organ.

One of our parishioners passed this week

so the family asked if they could deliver the casket here.

It's made from Oregon pine and Eco-friendly

pesticide-free glue.

Oh, good.

Because I'd hate to be poisoned with pesticide

on top of already being dead.

Look, can we move things along?

Evidently, I have to go pick up the wine

and I need to take these three little faggots with me..

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that word no longer PC because of this situation?

It-it was never..

Oh, please don't touch that! That's someone else's coffin.

Well. To return to the interview..

Do you follow the Ten Commandments?

What exactly are those again?

You know

thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not break the Sabbath..

I sometimes break the Sabbath

even though I'm disputably Catholic.

How?

Well you know

if I need money?

Sometimes I just take it.

From whom?

Usually from my mom's purse.

You steal from Mom?

She would give me the money if I asked her

but she can't hear!

Hurry, get in

and we can reshoot the coffin scene before anyone sees.

Are you sure?

Of course. Nobody else is using it.

So what you re saying is that you

do sometimes steal

from your mother on the Sabbath.

Yes.

You idiot!

Okay, look.

Let's cut to the chase. How much do you want?

Excuse me?

What does a normal family pay to get married here?

We ll double it.

You.. Can't..

Get married here..

Mm mm. No.

Isn't it a little un-Christian

to ban an entire family from going to church?

Unwelcoming, I think.

I mean as far as they re concerned

they are dooming us all to Hell..

Zoe, I was being figurative.

Guys. I need your help.

I didn't get any good footage today.

Will you put on these masks and do a monster dance?

It's really easy. Francis choreographed it.

What I don't understand

is why they were so upset about a little thing

like breaking the Ten Commandments.

Everyone breaks a commandment sooner or later.

It's not like it's a mortal sin.

Actually I think it's the definition of a mortal sin.

Well, maybe it's for the best.

What do you mean, Zill?

I mean, maybe my dad was right.

We barely even know each other.

I didn't even know you were a Christian.

That's not the most important thing about me.

And we never discussed

how we re going to raise our children

We don't even know if we re gonna have children.

And everyone in my family gets a divorce!

Hey, hey, but it's not without good reason.

I mean, your grandparents had a fundamental

difference of opinion regarding the definition of monogamy

and my wife?

She was, quite frankly, psychotic.

Zilla.

Ever since we started planning this wedding

you haven't been yourself.

What's going on?

Zoe, what is this?

It's not enough that you humiliated us at church today?

It's not enough that you re ruining your sister's wedding?

Can't you see how unhappy you re making your sister?

I am ashamed I ever let you buy this camera.

I am ashamed that I didn't put a stop to this

horror business the moment it started.

You know what, Zoe?

I guess I'm just ashamed of you.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

How come?

You heard him! He's ashamed of me.

Where will you go?

I ll stay at your house tonight, and then..

I ll go live with my mom.

Do you even know where she is?

No, but I ll find her.

What about the horror film?

It's over.

We need help locating a missing person.

Does this appear to be a police station to you?

No, but you re the only adult we know who's talking to us.

Well, I do happen to be an expert on crime.

This person isn't a criminal...

we think.

Well, who is it?

Her mom.

Your mother's missing?

Yes.

For how long?

About ten years.

How old are you?

Ten.

I see.

So this isn't so much a missing person

as it is a person who intentionally abandoned

her daughter and hasn't been seen since

is that right?

Yes.

And has it occurred to you that

she might have done this for a reason?

As in, rather than failing to share

this information with you because it slipped her mind

she may have made a deliberate decision

that she doesn't want to be bothered

by a sniveling cretin who can't even remember

to clean under her fingernails?

You don't clean under your fingernails!

Digression!

You re completely drifting from the point.

Your mother doesn't even know me.

Try to be more logical.

We just want help finding her.

Look, if your mother doesn't want to meet you

forcing the acquaintance on her is not the kind of situation

that's going to lead to love and cupcakes.

Meanwhile, I've been working on your horror film.

I've designed a trip wedding cake

that when you cut into it, it spurts fake blood.

You wanna see?

We re here for information.

Fine.

Have you checked Facebook?

She doesn't have an account.

Well when I was a boy

we had an old-fashioned device known

as a telephone book.

You could look up addresses in a small metal hovel

known as a telephone booth.

There's one conveniently located at the bus station.

You could look her up and get right on a bus..

I suggest you avoid this step though!

You re only setting yourself up for pain.

I have to find her.

My dad doesn't love me.

Actually, I'd say

all evidence so far points to your mother not loving you.

Although I suppose it's possible that neither of them do.

What do you know?

The only thing you re good at is horror stuff!

I also specialize in magic!

I never wanted to be like my mom.

You re not.

How do you know?

My dad's been telling me

my whole life not to rush into things but I always do.

Just like her.

She rushed into getting married

when she was too young to commit

and she rushed into having children

before she was old enough to realize that

she didn't even want us.

So marriage didn't work out for her.

It works out for some people.

It will for us.

How do you know?

I just do.

That doesn't seem like a good enough

reason to go through with this.

You know what? You re right.

You do rush into things.

You rushed into trying out for the soccer team

when you were only a freshman.

And you made varsity. You rushed into pre-med.

And now you re on track to graduate with honors.

It's one of the things that I love about you.

You re impulsive and passionate

and you jump into the things you care about..

And see them through.

Why would marriage work for me when it hasn't worked out

for anyone else in my family?

I think marriage would have worked out for your dad

if he'd married somebody a little bit more like himself.

Look how well he did raising you and Zoe

all by himself.

You don't think we turned out kind of weird?

Yeah, I do.

You re weird when you laugh.

It's weird when you eat leftover soup for breakfast.

You have this weird little dent

on your lip from when you bite it.

I love all the weird things about you.

That's how I know you re the one for me.

I love all the weird things about you, too.

Then let's get married.

Are we to understand the wedding's back on?

And where's it going to take place?

We thought we could just get married here.

That's a fabulous idea.

I'm picturing..

Swans. On the lawn.

By the way

I couldn't help noticing that Zoe's gone.

What do you mean, gone?

Well I went upstairs to press her flower girl dress

and she wasn't there.

The bed didn't look like it had been slept in.

Maybe she ran away.

She was pretty upset last night.

Did it look like she packed her clothes or anything?

No, but that vampire poster on her wall was missing..

Frankly, I felt it looked better without it.

You two search the house.

I ll go find Francis.

Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh!

Uh, two in one morning! This is really too much.

I can't deal with these kind of interruptions.

Oh. It's you again. What do you want?

Do you know my daughter?

Zoe Balicki.

I might.

She's about this tall, and she always carries a camera.

She's not dead or anything, is she?

Of course not.

Fine. She came in this morning.

Yes, I believe she was asking you for advice?

A lot of people ask me for advice.

I can't always keep track of what I tell them.

You told Zoe to go to the bus station and

look up her mom in the phone book

and then you said she.

Listen, we re not accusing you of anything.

We just want to find her.

Well, then I suggest you take the advice of this small

flesh-eating carnivore, and call the bus station.

I'm dialing right now.

You know, I wouldn't say this to her face but

your daughter's fairly talented.

I've seen her horror films

and she has the potential to really be someone.

Someone like you?

I have chosen to focus my talents in other spheres

such as the retail industry and..

Magic.

But I believe she's primarily interested in horror.

Yeah, well sorry if horror

doesn't sound like a viable career path.

It worked out for Stanley Kubrick.

They didn't sell her a bus ticket.

Okay, look.

If her mother wasn't listed in the phone book,

do you have any idea where else she might have gone?

I might know one other place she might be.

Keep Portland weird!

Yeah, we got that covered, thanks.

Zoe.

Come on. We re going home.

Hey! I just got in line.

I can't believe we re actually going to Vegas!

Neither can I.

Best bachelorette party ever!

Well, naturally. I planned it.

I still think it's weird that the mother of the bride

is going along on her daughter's bachelorette party.

Anything to get her out of the house.

Why can't I go to Vegas?

A: Because you re still grounded

for running away from home and B:

Because ten-year-olds don't go to these kinds of events..

I want you to be careful, okay?

Vegas is a dangerous place.

Do not come back with pink eye.

You do not want pink eye in all your wedding pictures.

Dad! That's disgusting.

Yeah. Exactly. It's very disgusting.

But it happens at bachelor parties,

and I'm assuming it can happen at

lesbian bachelorettes.

Your eye will swell up and

you ll look like a zombie who is ill.

How do you get pink eye?

Don't worry! The wedding's in two days.

I won't let a thing happen to these two beautiful girls.

Are you ready for the big day?

Yup!

I've got my ordination certificate

from the Universal Life Church. Right here.

Am I the only one who's noticed that they've chosen

a self-proclaimed witch to marry them?

Okay, I think that's everything!

You won't forget that the ice sculptures

arrive Friday night

and the dove wrangler will be here

bright and early Saturday morning.

Yeah, got it.

Okay!

Well boys

why don't you drive us to the airport

and then you can pick up the fireworks displays?

Thank God it's nearly over.

You know

I never thought Zilla would be the type to want a crazy

elaborate wedding like this.

Oh, Zilla doesn't want this wedding.

We could still win the contest.

We have some really good stuff.

Yeah, but how's it going to end?

I couldn't get anybody to do the monster dance.

And we re almost out of time.

Maybe there isn't a happy ending

so there is no monster dance.

Maybe it's a tragedy.

Like Bambi.

Bambi's not a tragedy.

The mom dies, Zoe.

Okay, so maybe the werewolf dies.

Maybe he realizes he can't marry the bride

so he kills himself.

How?

Drive a stake through his heart?

That's a vampire, Francis.

Werewolves can die any old way.

Normally it isn't about figuring out how to kill the werewolf

it's figuring out whether you re going to be able to kill it

before it kills you.

Maybe he could jump off the roof...

Uh uh. It's too steep.

I may have a panic attack.

Just don't throw up on the costume.

I built something for you.

Step, step, step, step, step, step, stop.

Are you ready?

Okay.

It's the most beautiful coffin I've ever seen.

Well you know, it's not Eco-friendly pine

but I hope it will do..

Whoa!

Let's try not to actually have to put this to use

before our time, huh?

So what's the big surprise?

The Pink Spa!

Welcome!

Three hours of pure luxury.

We are going to get our hair done.

We are going to get our nails done.

And then we are going out on the town.

And don't worry.

Everything's on me!

Aaaahh!

You have got to be kidding me.

Oh, sweetheart.

No Mom, you've been trying to trick me

into getting my hair done since prom.

No way.

You guys go ahead.

I ll meet up with you later.

You re not even coming?

I don't want to spend three hours

painting my fingernails.

But-this is our bachelorette party.

We re supposed to be enjoying this together.

I'm sorry, this is not the kind of thing that I enjoy.

But-this isn't the kind of thing that.

I'm sorry, Zill.

I'm out.

Do you think it's deep enough yet?

We have to get things right this time, Francis.

It's supposed to be six feet deep.

But we re not six feet tall.

How will we get out?

Zoe!

What the hell do you think you re doing?

What is this?

Son of a bitch!

Don't, you ll break it!

Aaahh!

I don't know any other way of getting through to you, Zoe.

I have asked you repeatedly

to give up this horror stuff.

I have requested

that you stop keeping bloody,

severed body parts in the fridge.

I have begged you

not to shave the neighbor's dogs

blow things up, or

dig coffin-shaped holes in the lawn.

And now I am ordering you

to quit making this horror film!

I have to make it. It's what I love.

No, no, no you don't!

Murderers may love murdering people

but they don't have to do it!

It's the only thing I care about!

It's in my soul.

Then there's something seriously wrong with your soul!

You don't love me.

Sometimes Zoe

you make it hard.

Is it dry yet?

We ll shoot the rest of the horror film tonight.

I ll put on the costume and jump off the roof.

I wasn't going to tell you this

until the morning of the wedding.

But I have another surprise.

Oh God.

I bought you and Lu a special honeymoon package.

A week in the romance suite

at the Honeymoon Resort in...

Miami, Florida!

Oh my God.

A camping trip in Colorado is...

just not that romantic.

Anyone can go camping.

And sleeping on hard rocks for seven days

with a select assortment of spiders and insects

is no way to start off a harmonious marriage

I assure you.

Cora...

I appreciate the thought, but...

Don't mess up your lip gloss!

Okay. Are you ready to see yourself?

Ta da!

My hair.

Isn't it gorgeous?

It's blonde.

I thought it would go perfectly

with your wedding dress!

Are you all ready yet? It's been almost three ho...

I'm sorry, Zilla.

It's just that you look like a cross between

a Barbie doll and Queen Victoria.

This Is not, A good time to laugh.

This will be great.

Are you sure?

Of course.

The werewolf will be silhouetted against the trees.

No, I mean are you sure it's safe?

Stunt doubles do it all the time.

Well yeah, but I'm pretty sure a lot of them die.

If I die

make sure this gets edited and submitted before Sunday.

Hey, don't get mad at me. You did this to yourself.

I didn't do this to myself!

Your mother did.

Exactly. And you let her.

What part of my childhood stories do you not understand?

Do not let this woman get within three feet of you

with mascara, a curling iron, or a set of tweezers!

I wouldn't have had to if you hadn't left!

Oh, I'm supposed to sit around here

and let my head get dipped into toxic waste because

you don't have the guts to stand up for who you are?

This isn't about that! Why can't you understand?

Understand what?

That you want her for a mother?

This is what having a mother is about!

She's been trying to turn me into a beauty queen

pageant princess for twenty-five years!

I've fought my whole life for the right to be who I am

and I'm not going to give that up

just because you want to suck up to my mother.

Suck up to your mother? Is that what you think I'm doing?

It seems like it to me, yeah.

You have no idea how lucky you are to have a mom!

I'm getting a divorce!

What?

Maybe the werewolf could just take pills.

Just focus on the cinematography, okay?

I didn't want to tell you this until after the wedding.

Your father and I just..

Well, we can't stand each other.

And I wanted to throw the perfect wedding

for you both

because I love you

and... I guess, well,

I wanted you to love me more than you love your father.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay, we ll love you more than Dad.

Really?

Yeah, it's not that hard, Dad's kind of an asshole.

What can I do

to give you both the wedding of your dreams?

Mom, don't you understand?

I don't care about weddings.

I'm only doing this for Zilla.

Are you kidding?

I don't even want this wedding.

Then why are we doing this?

Are you ready for this?

Anything to have it over with.

Well, it's really happening.

Zilla is really and truly becoming

a permanent lesbian.

You know

I once met a lesbian at the senior center.

I think she had a crush on me.

Mom! Did you lead her on?

I might have.

Well, she was very attractive

considering she was a woman and had false teeth.

Is everything ready to go?

Yes, thank God.

The flowers are delivered

the goddamn ice sculptures are in the basement

with four air conditioning units

and I finally got the male swan to stop

attacking the violinist.

The wedding's off.

What?

What happened?

Did you have a fight?

No.

We got married in Vegas.

Dad, I'm really sorry.

I know how much you worked on this.

I just... we finally realized that...

neither of us wanted this wedding.

All of this planning was just driving us apart.

Zilla.

Everybody we know

is set to arrive at our home in two hours.

There is a cake the size of a truck in the garage.

The orchestra is setting up out on the lawn.

I have been wrangling

various species of vicious birds for 24 hours.

You cannot tell me this wedding is off.

Dad, it's just really not for us.

Um..

Zoe's in the hospital.

What happened?

I don't know. They didn't say.

She was spending the night at Francis's.

Oh God.

The last thing she said before she left was that...

I don't love her.

What did you say?

I said, she makes it hard sometimes.

Okay, bro. It's going to be okay.

Also you re driving right now,

so I really need you to look at the road.

That was Francis's grandmother.

She said Zoe jumped off the roof.

She's under anesthetic right now so we can't see her yet.

But the nurse wants us to bring her clothes and insurance card

and maybe a stuffed animal or something to cheer her up.

Most of Zoe's stuffed animals

have parted ways with their heads

so I don't know how cheerful that is.

What else would make her happy?

I know.

Go, go, go.

Goddamn it!

We need to go to Good Samaritan Hospital, pronto.

I'm here to drive newlyweds

to the airport. You are not a newlywed.

No, we are.

Hey, hey!

I do weddings. Not funerals!

You take a right on Cornell!

No no no, take the freeway, it's faster!

I am a professional chauffeur

and I do not tolerate back seat driving!

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey!

You cannot park here.

It's an emergency. We have an injured child.

Okay, well let's get him inside.

Why is he already in a coffin?

You cannot bring that in here!

It's for my daughter.

You don't understand, sir.

Your daughter's not dead.

I ain't dead yet.

My apologies, ma am.

I was trying to tell you, sir

your daughter has been moved to the recovery wing.

She is very much alive.

Now you re going to have to take that downstairs.

That is not the kind of thing we find uplifting here.

She was lucky.

She hit the edge of a trampoline and rolled off into soft shrubs.

Had she hit the ground, she might not have made it.

I don't know if you can hear me right now, but um..

I just wanted to let you know that

your coffin is waiting for you.

Okay?

It's here whenever you re ready to use it.

I feel like Lu's dad could be a mummy.

I was thinking more like a vampire.

But he's pale, like a mummy.

Vampires are pale.

Look at the way those veins pop out of his forehead.

Like a vampire.

But mummies are easy.

Just wrap him up in toilet paper.

Francis, how are we going to wrap him

in toilet paper without him noticing?

Next?

Oh, mine's not real.

You go ahead.

Zilla?

We all bought presents for Zoe.

Nobody ever brings me presents.

Mm mm.

That's so nice. But she's still asleep.

We ll put them in the coffin

and she can enjoy them when she wakes up. Okay?

Me first. I brought maggots.

Fake blood.

I mean, I know she just had real blood transfusions.

So she might not need it until later.

A shriveled hand.

Edible eyeballs.

False teeth.

Wait a second. Mom, do you have an extra pair?

Um, it's a colander.

We got it for Zilla and Lu, but...

Liver.

This should probably be refrigerated.

Pickled fingers.

I noticed her supply in the refrigerator was dwindling

and I don't want to know why

so here's a replacement.

Y'all are sick.

Francis.

Why did Zoe jump?

For our horror film.

We needed the footage for the ending.

It wasn't because of me?

Why would it be?

I thought maybe it was because I yelled at her.

Ugh. Typical parental narcissism.

Your daughter is a very dedicated horror devotee.

Why would she end herself two days before the deadline

without good reason?

What deadline?

Ready?

I'd also be willing to wear the blue taffeta

- with rhinestones. - Who are you, Liberace?

If Pat gets to wear that, I want to wear this.

This is not just choose your favorite gender day!

There are Rules!

Roooooaaaarr!

Aaaaaahhhh!

Mom! Mom!

Zoe!

It's okay.

Oh my God.

Awooooooo!!!

Everybody be quiet.

We re going to have a Nice Family Event!

Zoe, did you..

Shave this dog?

I asked you to represent the family

and they ended up in jail.

Why is Francis here?

Why is Francis always here?

Zoe!

What the hell do you think you re doing?

It's not enough that you re ruining your sister's wedding?

Aaaaahhh!

Woooaaaahhh!

Aaaaahhh!

Aaaaahhh! Aaaaahhh!

A paper cut!

Francis, you re kind of in the way here.

Oh my God.

What happens next?

We haven't written it yet.

Well! It was really quite good, wasn't it?

Really captured my impression of the whole wedding.

She's certainly an odd child, isn't she?

I- I've tried to make her normal.

Why bother?

She's great the way she is.

You don't think she'd be better playing with, you know, dolls..

Instead of human skulls?

Dad, you can give Zoe all the dolls you want but..

She's going to murder all of them.

People have to be who they are.

And we should embrace them for that.

What are we going to do about the wedding?

Well, we have a catered banquet spoiling in the kitchen

a wedding no one wants set up on the back lawn and..

About $10,000 worth of flowers that are probably dead.

Poor Zoe.

She's going to be devastated

when she wakes up in the hospital.

Guys.

I know a way we could fix both problems.

Why can't I just walk?

You know you need to stay off your feet.

Stupid cast.

I don't want to hear you complaining about your cast.

People who jump off roofs end up in casts

and they re lucky they re not dead.

Now your sister's getting married

and I want you to be at your best behavior.

I want you to pretend to be a normal, polite child.

Oh, Francis dropped off your video camera.

I don't need it anymore.

What are you talking about?

You need to film your sister's wedding.

I don't want to.

You either switch on the camera

or I'm going upstairs and grabbing your flower girl dress.