Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Well, this is the biggest joke in the world.

What is?

doing a stress evaluation with the printers.

(LAUGHING)

That is the biggest joke in the world.

(STUTTERS) I love it. I'm just not quite clear on the punchline.

who's doing a stress test with the printers.

The printers aren't under any stress at all!

(LAUGHING)

Appleton, Bartokomous,

We're trying a new format on the Sunday paper.

Well, you can count on us, sir. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

And may I compliment you on your selection

of the printers for the stress evaluation?

They're under a lot of pressure down there.

(LAUGHING)

Of course, it doesn't come anywhere near

(LAUGHING)

He's killing me.

But I guess we've become somewhat, uh, experts at, uh, managing stress.

Appleton, you've given me an excellent idea.

Well, just part of my job, sir.

And, uh, what idea would that be, sir?

The idea is to forget the printers.

to talk with the experts.

What have I done? I have no idea.

But you were on a roll, buddy.

I think I just got everybody in the City Room volunteer for a stress test.

That could be fun. No, it's not gonna be fun.

Balki, there's gonna be some psychiatrist up here

trying to find out everything we're thinking.

Well, uh, that might be possible with you, cousin,

but I don't think he can do that to me.

Most of the time, I don't know what I'm thinking.

I mean, sometimes I think I know what I'm thinking

and then I start to try to think about what I'm thinking

and just when I think the thought that I think I'm thinking...

What are we talking about?

We, uh, we... Wait...

We're talking about the psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist-- Oh, the psychiatrist.

Do you see the way your mind wanders?

No, hey, no, Balki.

You have to be very careful what you say to the psychiatrist, okay?

Because he's gonna take everything you say...

(STUTTERS) And twist it and turn it and think

that just because your brother Billy

Well, it's not true, I tell you.

Cousin, cousin, listen, cousin. Cousin, it's okay.

(CRYING) It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right. Now, now, just don't worry

about your brother Billy and don't worry about me

because when the psychiatrist comes to talk to me, I'm just gonna be myself.

Oh, so, you're just gonna be yourself? Just gonna be myself.

Well, let me tell you something, Balki.

Whatever you do, do not speak Myposian.

Why not? No. No, not a word.

No, no, none of this... (imitating babbling)

Excuse me!

I don't want to interrupt your chant.

Uh, I'm Dr. Michael Aldridge. Mr. Wainright sent me up here.

Oh! Oh! (STAMMERS) Dr. Aldridge.

(CHUCKLING) No, no, not a chant.

Hello. Hello, hello, I'm Balki Bartokomous and...

And this my, my cousin Larry Appleton. And, um...

I wouldn't bring up his brother Billy.

I'm just gonna ask a few questions

do some word association, show you some ink blots

and ask for your interpretations.

All right, Larry.

What do you see?

Man's, uh, relentless quest

to return to and liberate the child within, as I have.

Butterfly.

And what do you see in this one?

Man in turmoil, uh, struggling to reach

the level of inner peace I have.

Bowling ball.

Now, we're going to do some word association.

I'll say a word, you say the first thing that comes in your head.

Boy.

uh, desire to help others on his road toward adulthood.

Girl.

Career. Struggling, clutching.

all while being a loyal soldier to Mr. Wainright, which I am.

Job.

I understand that even though you're married,

your cousin still lives with you. Tell me about that.

(STAMMERING) Oh, I do, uh, well, no, no, that's...

I know that it may seem a little peculiar, but, uh...

No, uh, well, I had no choice.

Because, well, to be perfectly honest,

uh, he's... He's helpless without me.

but to tell you the truth, he's helpless without me.

Bartokomous, Appleton.

Hi, Mr. Wainright. Yes, sir, Mr. Wainright.

And he's given me some very constructive ideas

about changes I could make around here.

Dr. Aldridge, uh, found you two very, mmm, interesting.

Uh, in fact, he's so impressed by you

that he wants both of you to do further stress testing at his clinic.

Be there tomorrow morning at 9:00.

Cousin, did you hear that?

We get to go down to the clinic for further testing!

Oh, I'm so excited!

I don't know about you, but I'm not gonna sleep a wink tonight.

What am I gonna wear? What am I gonna wear?

Oh, I guess we shouldn't flaunt

our good fortune in front of the others.

I knew it. I knew it.

Dr. Aldridge found something

What did you tell him? Did you tell him about the Dance of Joy?

Tell him about it? I taught it to him.

He did this snappy little knee-jerk thing

Balki, Balki, don't you see what's going on here?

When Wainright said he's gonna make some changes around here,

what he means is that he's gonna find out who can't handle stress and fire them.

And I'm gonna be one of the first ones to go.

So, this is the clinic.

It's even more wonderful than I dreamed.

So much formica and simulated wood.

(STUTTERS) Well, I don't have to work at the paper.

I could cut hair.

And my Uncle Ed sold meat door-to-door

always made a very nice living.

Cousin. (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

Cousin, listen, this is not necessary.

You're not going to lose your job.

And can we please just be adults about this?

(SIGHS)

Popsicle sticks!

No, no, Balki, those are not popsicle sticks.

Mmm-hmm. Those are tongue depressors.

After the popsicle's gone,

your tongue gets depressed.

Hello, Larry, Balki.

Dr. Mike!

Well, you ready to get started?

Dr. Mike, before we get started,

I just got to hear your duck imitation.

My duck imitation? Yeah.

(STAMMERING) Will you stop it? You're... Ow! Ow!

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) He's... He's a little nervous about the test.

(GRUNTING) Oh!

Look, cousin, chest watches.

What these devices will do

Please be seated.

There's no right or wrong way to do them. No passing or failing.

Just do your best.

(DOOR CLOSES)

No passing or failing.

Oh, come on, cousin, Dr. Mike left the room.

We can do anything we want in this palace of fun. I'm so excited.

(CHUCKLES)

Balki, we cannot do anything we want.

Dr. Mike is gonna be watching us from behind the mirror.

Get out of the city.

There's no room behind that mirror.

It's just right up against the wall.

No, Balki, there is another room on the other side of the mirror.

He can see us, but we can't see him.

Really? Yes.

And stretch!

Balki! Balki! What?

He is watching us from over there.

(STUTTERS) You know, and without even knowing it,

we could be revealing our deepest inner most thoughts.

Will you stop it?

What's the matter with you?

Cousin, cousin... I'm failing the test already!

Remember. Remember your "Think and Grow Calm" tapes?

Yeah. Well, now, just remember, you take a deep breath.

(BOTH INHALING)

And repeat after me.

I am a Halloween.

I am a Halloween. No, no, no.

It's not "I am a Halloween".

It's "I am a hollow reed".

(DEVICE CONTINUES BEEPING)

Well, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

But if it works for you, go with it.

I am a hollow reed.

I am a hollow reed.

All right. We're going to begin with a simple task. Please be seated.

Oh. You know, I decided

DR. ALDRIDGE: Assemble the puzzle of the United States on the table.

You have one minute. Begin.

All right, all right, Balki, you start with East Coast, work your way this way,

I'll start with the West Coast and work my way that way.

I don't want to have a plan. Just start on the East Coast and work your way this way.

where people have nice braids and--

you start in the middle and work your way out. Go!

Oh, come on, cousin. No, look.

Oh, cousin, for goodness' sake.

Let's make a game out of it.

We've only got 45 seconds left.

Cousin, cousin, look, the only way

California! Where is California?

California here I come

Right back where I started from

Start in the middle of the country.

BOTH: (SINGING) Oh, the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky home

Oh, I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee

I'm goin' to Louisiana my true love for to see

BOTH: (SINGING) Oh, Susanna don't you cry for me

For I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee

Carry me back to old Virginny

All right, Balki, we just need New York. Where's New York?

Where is New York? Just find New York.

If I can make it there, then I'll make it anywhere.

It's up to you! New York! New York!

These vagabond shoes Ta ta ta-ra-ra

Are leaving today Ta ta ta-ra-ra

I want to be a part of it

In old New York

I'll make it anywhere

It's up to you, New York

New York

Time.

You did very well.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Are you ready for step two?

Oh, you bet, we are.

BOTH: Hi-yah!

Raise the temperature in the lab to 100 degrees.

I love this part.

There is a stack of assorted colored papers in front of you.

Separate them according to color and count them.

You have two minutes.

All right, Balki, this will go faster if we each take half

and then add them up at the end.

One, two, sweep the hut.

Three, four, milk the goat.

Five, six, tend the flock.

Seven, eight, run next door

and see if Stavros has any extra lard.

Nine-- Balki, will you stop that?

It doesn't even rhyme.

Well, it does in Myposian.

(MUMBLES) Now, I have to start all over again.

Boy, it's getting hot in here.

Balki.

Uh-huh.

What is your phone number?

Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Will you shut up?

(DEVICE BEEPING)

Cousin, now, cousin, cousin, look, look.

Just remember, deep breath, deep breath.

I am hollow reed and wind blows through me with no trouble.

Trouble blows through me like the wind.

Wind blows through me...

One, two...

DR. ALDRIDGE: Larry, what is your wife's occupation?

Five... Flight attendant. Six...

Does it bother you that your wife spends a lot of time

away from home with good-looking pilots?

Twelve, 13, 14, 15... No!

Sixteen...

Cousin, I am a hollow reed. Nineteen... I am a hollow reed.

I am a Hollow reed. Twenty... I am a hollow reed.

Hollow reed. I am a hollow reed.

How can I be a hollow reed when my wife's off sharing peanuts

with some square-jawed jet jockey?

I am a hollow reed.

BOTH: I'm a Halloween.

I'm a Halloween.

I'm a Halloween.

Okay. Yeah. Thank you, buddy. Thank you.

Oh, okay. And don't let him distract you.

All right, all right.

Four, five, six--

DR. ALDRIDGE: Balki. Uh-huh.

I understand your girlfriend lives in the same house with you?

Yes, that's right. She lives right across the hall.

Are you a feeling a lot of pressure to get married?

To who?

Balki, we gotta do something about the heat in here. Yeah.

Just turn on the fan. No, no, cousin.

Cousin, cousin, listen to me. Turn on the fan. Turn on the fan.

Now! (DEVICE BEEPING)

(YELLING)

Cousin...

Balki, turn off the fan! I am a hollow reed.

Turn off the fan! Turn off the fan! Now!

Turn the fan off!

I can't. Cousin, I can't turn it off.

I can't turn it off. (GRUNTING)

I can't move it, cousin. DR. ALDRIDGE: You have 20 seconds.

Balki, uh, help me pick up the papers or I'm gonna lose my job!

Hey, cousin, listen. You know what?

Nothing... Nothing is that important, cousin. It's just...

Cousin... Oh, gosh, if you lose your job, you get another job.

DR. ALDRIDGE: Balki. Yeah?

Did your Cousin Larry tell you that he's going to Disneyland this summer

and he's not taking you?

(DEVICE BEEPING)

How could you do that to me?

You know that going to the Magic Kingdom is my life-long dream?

Balki, I didn't say that! He's lying.

Doctors don't lie.

Balki... I'm telling you, I didn't say that.

Don't you see what he's trying to do?

so he'll raise our, raise our stress level.

And you thought you'd just go to Disneyland and unwind!

(DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY)

I'm not going to Disneyland!

Nobody is going to Disneyland!

DR. ALDRIDGE: Time's up!

We're gonna lose our jobs.

Yeah, well, one of us is goin' to Disneyland!

Yes, I am.

Yes, thank you, Alice.

That was Wainright's secretary.

BOTH: Alice.

We may as well clean out our desks now.

Cousin, I'm so sorry that I let you down.

(STUTTERS) I...

When Dr. Aldridge said that you were going to Disneyland without me,

I just completely lost it and... (SMACKS LIPS)

It wasn't very nice of Dr. Aldridge to lie to me. Hmm.

He really got your goat.

No. No, he doesn't have Binki. It's an expression.

"He's got Binki" is an expression? What does that mean?

Appleton, Bartokomous.

I've just been on the phone with Dr. Aldridge.

Well, I'm surprised you both fit.

(STUTTERS) Mr. Wainwright, I can explain everything about the stress test.

There's nothing to explain.

He thinks your obsessiveness offsets

Bartokomous' lack of concentration

and his level of composure offsets your level of neurosis.

(STAMMERS) But, sir, we failed the stress test. We crumbled.

That's the point of the test, Appleton, everyone crumbles.

Then you crumbled in a big way.

I saw the tape. It was quite amusing.

As a matter of fact, my wife and I

My favorite part is...

"I am a Halloween!" (LAUGHING)

I am a Halloween.

Well, cousin, you see, it weren't for nothing.

We still got our jobs and we're bringing big laughs

to Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright's parties and, uh...

We learned a valuable lesson.

That we make a great team till we start to fight.

So, uh, let's just see to it that, uh...

We don't have any more fights, okay?

(STUTTERS) Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you saying that I am the one who starts the fights?

(SCOFFS)

Well, I'm not saying that, no,

although you are the one that, that, uh, has always started them.

I mean, for six years anyway, you have been the one that starts

but, look, but that is water under the fridge.

You just... It's not... The important thing--

I've been the one who has started the fights?

Well, you're the one that comes two inches from my ear and says,

"What, are you outta your mind?"

All right, well, well, I am not the one

with the attention span of a flea.

Well, I am not the one that comes up behind you

and does this when you want me to shut up.

Oh, well, I am not the one who's always saying, "Oh, go on with you."

Yeah, but you do this. Ow!

Ow!

Actually, I guess...

BOTH: We both do this.

BOTH: Ow!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)