Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Oh!

Hello...

Cousin, do you think these oranges are scratch 'n' sniff?

Will you stop it? Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

You begged me to let you come along to this auction

and I said you could come as long as you obeyed the rules.

Now what are the rules?

Don't touch anything,

don't say anything, don't do anything.

Those are the rules.

And a fine set of rules they are.

Oh, look, cousin, wind chimes.

Will you stop it?

Look at all this stuff, cousin.

They're gonna have to move some of this out

if they want to have an auction.

All the worldly goods of the late Howell Thurston

waiting to be sold.

They're gonna sell all of his stuff just because he's late?

That hardly seems fair. Mmm-hmm.

(GASPS) Oh!

No, Balki, he's dead.

Well, if he's dead,

there's a very small chance he'll ever show up.

Now, cousin, look at this.

Now I... I like bronze. Mmm-hmm.

But you know, with bronze

See right there?

(SPITS)

But she has... She was...

Oh, oh, cousin, no, no, no, no.

Cousin, not again.

We're nowhere near any power tools.

Please, listen...

Balki...

Mr. Thurston was a very rich man

who died without any relatives

and for some reason Mr. Wainwright thought

that this auction would make a very interesting story.

Well, of course, it would make an interesting story.

Auctions always do.

You know, we have auctions on Mypos.

We call them Toejamiki Tomdicari Viciversi Oomh Oomh Gari.

Toejamiki Tomdicari Viciversi Oomh Oomh Gari?

Yes, it means, "One man's socks are another man's mittens."

Fascinating. Hmm.

Oh, cousin. Cousin, look, they have refreshments.

We better... We better get ours now.

(GRUNTS) No! Stop it! Stop it!

Balki, these are not refreshments.

This is wine to be sold.

And it's estimated to be worth over $20,000!

(SCOFFS) You know, a person would have to be out of his mind

to pay $20,000 for a bottle of wine.

Well, it still makes more sense than bottled water.

I mean, that is a concept I will never understand.

We are about to begin.

Please take your seats.

I'd like to help, but my hands are tied.

(BALKI LAUGHING)

The first item to be auctioned

Get out of the city!

We buy our wine at 7-11. Shut up!

Cousin, I... I was wanting... Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Or you'll have to wait in the car.

I'll be good.

The minimum bid on this item is $11,000.

Would anyone care to open the bidding?

11,000 Do I have 12?

$12,000. Do I hear 13?

Cousin, why is he pointing at people?

It's a bit confrontational, don't you think?

No, Balki, those people are bidding.

They are not bidding, not one of them

has thrown a pig in the air.

No, Balki, bidding here is a little different than on Mypos.

These people are bidding by making small, little gestures.

Here, watch the man in the red tie.

AUCTIONEER: 14,500. Do I have 15?

Did you see him bid?

15,000.

Do I have 15,500?

You see, every little gesture

tells the auctioneer that you are bidding.

See, the woman in the blue dress

is bidding by tugging on her ear, like this.

15,500!

Do I have 16?

Yeah, I'm sort of an expert in this area.

I once used the men's room at Sotheby's.

AUCTIONEER: 16,000. Do I have 16,500?

There are as many ways to bid as there are people in this room.

You could rub your chin.

You mean like this?

16,500.

Do I have 17? 17?

Or you could scratch your head.

17,000. Do I have 18?

Or you could make a pig nose.

18,000!

Do I have 19?

19?

19,000. Do I have 20?

That was close. Why can't I move?

Because when you made your pig nose

the auctioneer thought you were bidding.

Oh, come on. Give me a line of credit.

He thought I was bidding because I did this?

20,000! Do I have 21,000?

Don't do that. Uh, excuse me!

21,000.

Going once, going twice...

Oh, my Lord!

Cousin, just, just don't move.

Okay, just hold on a second.

Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Okay, okay, now, just be, uh, just...

Cousin, cousin, cousin

Come in and walk on the pillows, okay?

Walk on the pillows.

Walk on the pillows.

Walk on the what? Walk on the pillows.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Balki, be more careful.

Me be more careful?

I'm the one you made sit on the hood of the car

waving off oncoming traffic.

I'm sorry, but I had to protect the wine.

Well, you could have slowed down when I fell off.

I don't want to argue... Look, cousin...

That always gets you off the hook.

What we're going to do now

is just put the bottle down...

You know what, cousin? On Mypos what we do, we...

Balki, I usually don't care what you do on Mypos.

And today, I care even less.

Well, I was just going to say that on Mypos

we store the bottles on their sides

so that the cork don't dry out.

Oh.

We do that here too.

Would you, would you like to know

what we do with the sacred straw?

No.

All right. Now, where is a good place to keep it?

Cousin! Cousin! Cousin!

(BOTH SIGH)

What's that?

Let's see. No!

All right. That's it.

We are not letting this bottle out of our hands

until we find a safe place to put it.

Oh!

Will you stop it?

Don't do that.

Hey! Oh!

You know what we can do?

and maybe they'll have an idea where we can put it.

Balki, if Jennifer finds out

I paid $21,000 for a bottle of wine

she will kill me for being stupid.

If she was going to kill you for being stupid

you would have been dead long ago.

(INAUDIBLE)

What I mean is we are not going to tell Jennifer

anything about this.

What we have to do is find a safe place

to hide the wine for the weekend.

The auction is continuing on Monday.

We will take the wine back and resell it.

And you will have successfully deceived your wife yet again.

Exactly.

Oh, I've got it!

We'll hide the wine in the liquor cabinet.

Cousin, you are a genius!

Ooh! Ooh!

Balki! Don't do that! Cousin, okay.

All right, just help me get the wine over to the liquor cabinet.

Okay? Fine. Fine. Okay.

And everything's going to be just honki-doriki.

All right, carefully, carefully.

Okay. All right, I got it. Okay. And then right there.

Got it. Got it. Okay? I've got this one.

I've got this one. I've got this one.

And then I... Okay? Okay. Okay, good.

And then this one right here. We're doin' fine.

(YELPS)

All right, all right! No, no, no!

Okay, okay, you walk, I'll move the pillows, okay?

Okay. One foot at a time.

Take a step. Take a step. Okay. All right.

Take, take it easy. Take it easy.

Next foot. Good! Good! All right. All right.

I got you, I got you!

Careful! Careful! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Next step. You got it. Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay, fine. All right, all right.

Oh, oh, oh. Careful! Careful!

Okay, here we go. All right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Move back. Okay.

Okay. Okay, all right.

Where's the wine?

Right over there.

It's right here. Here. No! Oh!

BOTH: Don't do that.

Okay, here, hold this. Um, all right.

No one ever goes in the liquor cabinet.

The only thing in here is an old bottle

of Creme de Menthe my brother Billy gave me

for a wedding present.

You know, this still steams me.

No thought went into this gift.

(PANTING)

It's the same bottle I gave him for his birthday.

All right, give me the wine.

Where's the wine? Right here.

(GRUNTING)

BOTH: Don't do that.

Not any more.

All right, now...

We'll just hide the key right here.

(KEY CLANKS)

It would take a psychic to find that key.

Well, when he gets here,

of this year's Mypos Fertilizer Festival.

Mypos Fertilizer Festival?

Yes, it's next week.

...and, uh, traditionally the whole island then plays

Pin The Fly On The Dungheap.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

That was a good idea you had about these raincoats.

You know, we should wear them every time it rains.

Okay.

Uh, you know, the boys will be home soon.

We'd better get dinner started.

Oh, I hope Balki likes the beef burgundy dinner

I'm making tonight.

Well, you know what they say, Mary Anne.

I don't know about that.

My uncle had a triple bypass

and they went right through his chest.

Were you ever on a flight where they lost cabin pressure?

Oh, lots of times.

Oh, I forgot to get the wine!

We're gonna have to go back out in the rain.

Oh, maybe not, uh, Larry's brother, Billy

gave us a bottle of something for our wedding.

Well, that's funny, the liquor cabinet is locked

and I have no idea where the key is.

How did you know where it was?

I don't know.

Sometimes these things just come to me.

I also know that someone named Machdala

is going to be crowned queen of something

called the Fertilizer Festival.

Ah! We're in luck! We don't have to go back out in the rain.

Wow, this wine is really old!

I hope it's still good enough to cook with!

Mmm. Mmm!

Mary Anne, this is the best food I've ever had

without pig parts.

Thank you, Balki.

Balki's right, it tastes great.

Less filling.

What exactly is in it?

Oh, it's just beef simmered in a red wine sauce.

Oh! Mmm.

We forgot to buy the wine.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

But we looked around and found some.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

You were right. Too much pepper.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin, it's okay. Everything's okay.

The cabinet is still locked.

(PANTING)

Larry, why do you have the liquor cabinet locked?

and an old bottle of wine.

You found the wine?

BOTH: They found the wine!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Mary Anne, how could you cook

with a bottle of wine from the liquor cabinet?

This is all your fault!

How could you let me hide the wine in the liquor cabinet?

Excuse me, it was your idea

to hide the wine in the liquor cabinet!

And it was also your idea to put the key in the vase!

I never should have let you go to the auction to begin with.

You are nothing but trouble.

We welcome you to Munchkinland.

Guys. She didn't cook with the wine.

BOTH: Oh!

We couldn't find a corkscrew so we went next door

and borrowed some wine from the Finleys.

Why are you acting so crazy over an old bottle of wine?

(STAMMERING) Well, uh, Jen, it's simple.

Uh, went to an auction, Balki made a pig nose

and I bought a bottle of wine for $21,000.

(GASPS)

Okay.

But I admit we did something stupid,

but everything is going to be okay.

We did something stupid?

$20,000?

Mmm-hmm.

AUCTIONEER: $40,000.

Going once, going twice...

Sold for $40,000.

Did you hear that, Balki?

$40,000 for a necklace.

What a waste of money.

Well, you could say that again.

They could have bought two bottles

of your wine for that much money.

Our next item is this very fine bottle

of 1811 Chateau Lefite Bordeaux.

We are asking an opening bid of $11,000.

We have got to get $21,000

for this bottle of wine or I am a dead man.

Cousin, Jennifer won't kill you.

She'll leave you, but she won't kill you.

I have 11,000. Do I have 12?

Do I have $12,000?

12? Do I have 12?

13,000. Is there 14?

Balki, this isn't going as well as I thought.

I'm going to have to do something.

14,000. Is there 15?

Cousin, what are you doing? You're bidding on the wine?

You already own the wine!

Balki, there's only one other person bidding.

I'm just trying to get the price up to $21,000

so I don't lose any money.

15,000. Do I hear 16?

16,000.

17. Is there 18?

18. 19 anyone?

19. Do I have twenty thou...

$20,000.

$21,000. Yes! Yes!

Do I hear 22?

$22,000.

Do I hear 23?

Balki, what are you doing?

in the excitement of the moment.

Well, don't move.

Do I have 24? No, no.

The bidding stands at 23,000.

Balki, he stopped bidding.

(GRUNTING)

I have $23,000.

Are there any further bids?

What have you done?

I think I can help your problem.

23,000, going once.

23,000, going twice.

24,000!

24,000. Do I hear 25?

Do I hear 25?

Oh, Leo.

For me.

(CHUCKLES) Well...

Of course, my dear. 24,000.

All right, Balki, stay very, very still.

24,000 going once, going twice...

Sold for $24,000.

Yes! Yes!

Our next item is this 17th century snuff box.

Cousin, can I move now? Yes.

Shall we open the bidding at 32,000?

32,000. 33,000!

34, 35...

36,000!

$37,000!

Thirty-eight thous...

39,000...

$40,000!

How'd it go, Larry?

Well, we sold the wine for $24,000.

But you only paid $21,000.

That means you made...

...a lot of money!

so we really didn't end up with very much.

And Balki saw something he couldn't live without.