Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's gonna stop me now

Well, according to this article, the first year of marriage

is the toughest and the key to survival

is keeping the lines of communication open.

We communicate, don't we, Larry?

Larry?

I'm sorry. Did you say something?

Larry! Kidding. Kidding.

Just kidding.

Everyone, big news!

that Mr. Finley made out of Popsicle sticks.

It's Pittsburgh even though my first guess was St. Louis.

But then I saw that it didn't have a big arch.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Come on, we gotta go over there. You gotta come and see this.

Mary Anne! MARY ANNE: Ahhh!

Oh, put on some clothes and come on over to the Finleys.

Come on. Everyone, come on. You gotta see this. Come on.

What's going on?

Uh, something about the Finleys' Popsicle stick city.

Oh, I've seen it. It's Pittsburgh.

Am I speaking a foreign language?

Balki, we are not going to the Finleys'.

If we go to the Finleys', he'll talk about fishing

and she'll show us the sweater she knitted for her dog.

Cousin, Mr. Finley told me the most amazing thing.

We're not the only ones living in this house.

We have a ghost! Oh!

Here's the topper!

They tell me that the ghost living

in the room at the top of the stairs.

You know who's room that is?

That's my room! Oh!

A ghost. That would explain so many things.

Like why the garage door opens and closes by itself.

Mary Anne, we have a remote control.

So what's your point?

I'm telling you, do you realize how lucky we are?

I mean, on Mypos, it's a huge honor to live in a haunted hut.

I mean, it-it-it brings good luck to the occupants

and it wards off evil and then, of course

there's someone to pick up the mail when you're on vacation.

Balki, there is no ghost.

The Finleys sold you a bunch of hogwash.

I didn't even know they had hogs.

(LAUGHS) There, there are no such things as ghosts?

What do they teach you people in school?

Balki, the whole idea of a ghost is a little silly.

No, no, it is not silly. It is an honor.

You know, ghosts are very particular

about who they move in with.

We should be grateful that Chester decided to live with us.

Who is Chester?

Chester Bainbridge? He's our ghost.

Haven't you been listening?

You know, I'm gonna call Mama

and-and share my good news with her.

She's gonna be so jealous.

All right, Jennifer, if there is no ghost,

how do you explain the sound of water running

in the middle of the night?

Easy, Larry gets thirsty right after we...

Believe me, it's not a ghost.

Cousin, just take a look at the book.

Take a look at any part of the book.

Just a sentence, just one sentence.

Just look at one word!

Get the book out of my face.

Hey, cousin, if I could just direct your attention

to this one little page.

Balki, for the last time, I don't care what the book says.

We do not have a ghost.

Oh, and I suppose the oven just cleans itself.

Mary Anne, it's nice to know there's one person

who, who believes what I'm talking about.

Oh, Balki, I always believe what you're talking about

even when I have no idea what you're talking about.

All right, how about a movie after dinner?

Sounds good.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, if-if you just...

If you just take a look, take a look right there.

Cousin, this book is written by a college professor

Michael Williams Fudd.

Michael Williams Fudd? Michael Williams Fudd.

Michael Williams, PhD.

And I still say there's no ghost

and I'm gonna go get the movie section.

But, but there's, there's a whole chapter

on-on Chester Bainbridge.

There's even a picture of my room. Look.

You see that fuzzy spot? That's Chester.

Michael Williams photographed Chester himself.

Michael Williams, I saw him on Nightline.

W-what does he say about Chester?

and a, a compulsive gambler

and he bet a fortune that the Chicago Cubs

will win the 1929 World Series.

The '29 Series.

The Cubs lost in five games to Philadelphia.

Jimmie Foxx hit .350 during that series.

Some things just stick in my head for no reason.

Other things go right through it.

Anyway, uh, um...

Uh, Chester couldn't pay off his bet

and so they found him stuffed into a trunk

in the closet in my room.

Balki, show me the, the picture of Chester in this book.

Now, look, see? Right there. That's him.

You-you, i-if you, if you squint...

Just right, it looks like he's got a Chicago Cubs hat.

You-you got to, you-you gotta tilt your head

to-to the left.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right in there, huh?

Oh, Larry, Larry, there's an actual photograph

of our ghost in Balki's room.

I left the room for two minutes, suddenly you're seeing ghosts?

Well, Larry, Michael Williams is a leading parapsychologist.

If he says Chester is upstairs, maybe he is.

Cousin, look at the picture. Squint.

Tilt your head to the left and close one eye.

All right, all right, there will be no more talk of ghosts

in this house, is that clear?

All right, there is no ghost

and there is no way you can prove there is.

That's where you're wrong, Mr. Pouting Thomas.

According to Professor Williams, Chester Bainbridge appears

at sundown every year on the anniversary of his death

which happens to be tonight.

So if you would be so kind as to come up to my room,

I'll be happy to introduce you.

Well, I tell you what we're gonna do.

It's almost sundown now, we're all gonna go up

to Balki's room and wait for the ghost.

When he doesn't appear, you'll see I was right

and then Jennifer and I are going to the movies, okay?

Cousin, that sounds like a great idea.

Now before we go up there

we've got to go over some ghost etiquette.

Ah. Cousin, now.

Listen, when the ghost appears, whatever you do

don't say, "Who you're gonna call?" They really hate that.

Chester?

Hello?

We're here.

Well, I guess we are a little early.

Come on in. Come on.

Balki, when did you find time to do all this decorating?

What decorating? I just unpacked.

You're not?

Chester the ghost. Oh, right.

(SCREAMS)

His eyes are following me.

Oh, my Lord.

Well-well, you're right. They...

They do seem to be moving.

Well, of course, they are. Don't be ridiculous.

I paid extra for the poster with the movable eyes

and the scratch-and-sniff cologne.

It's Wayne's own fragrance. It's called Wayne Drops.

I haven't decided yet where to put the poster.

Now here's my dilemma.

I would love it to be the first thing you see

when you walk into the room.

over here in the morning sun.

What to do, what to do?

There is nothing to be afraid of.

There is no ghost.

Chester Bainbridge was just some guy who was dumb enough

to hide from the mob in his own room.

What did you do that for?

Do what? You shoved me.

No, I didn't shove you. Well, somebody shoved me.

(GASPS) It's Chester!

Hey, Chester! Chester, hi! How are you?

Now-now-now there is no ghost!

But just take that.

Cousin.

Don't ever be rude to a ghost.

You see, they're a lot like alligators.

They're fun to have around the house

just as long as they're in a good mood.

Okay, okay, all right.

Chester, if you're here, show me!

Come on.

Do-do that voodoo that you do so well.

There, you see? Nothing.

I was right. There is no ghost.

Now come on, Jennifer. Let's go to the movies.

Oh, my Lord.

Larry, you wanted proof of a ghost.

I think we have it.

Th-there's gotta be a-a logical explanation for this.

Cousin, give it up. We're in mid-air.

Okay, okay, how about this?

The furnace malfunctioned creating a backdraft

w-which came up through the vents,

uh, which created a-a thermal vacuum causing things to rise.

Kind of like what keeps airplanes up.

Really? Well, what keeps interest rates up?

Thanks for the ride, Chester.

What about Cousin Larry?

Okay, we're all safely back on the ground, no harm done.

I admit something strange just happened.

I have no idea what, but it has nothing to do with a ghost.

Larry, I don't know what kind of sign you're looking for,

but this house is obviously haunted.

I'm going to a hotel. Are you coming?

No! No! I refuse to be driven from my home

by something that doesn't exist.

Well, if you wanna stay here, fine

but I'll be at the Kingsley Court.

Come on, Mary Anne.

we open the refrigerator, the light goes on.

No, Mary Anne, the light goes on because...

Yes, having the ghost would explain that.

Nice work, Balki.

I'm sleeping alone tonight.

Thanks to you and your idiot ghost.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, don't call Chester an idiot.

Ghosts resent having their intelligence belittled.

They think because they've seen the whole universe,

they know everything.

Okay, he's not an idiot. He's a jerk!

Cousin!

Now do you think Chester would be upset

if I went down to the basement and checked the furnace?

He might be.

It was just a breeze.

(THUD)

The foundation's settling.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Okay, this is a little bit harder.

(GHOST MOANS)

What the hell was that?

CHESTER: That was my terrifying ghost moan imitation.

I've been working on it. How do you like it?

Like it? We love it!

Can you do Elvis?

CHESTER: Do him? I played cards with Elvis last night.

So he is dead.

What is it with you people and Elvis?

Cousin, cousin, look. It's, it's Chester.

Hi, Chester.

Balki, we have a ghost.

No.

The little guy catches on quick.

Chester, I-I didn't mean to call you an idiot or-or a jerk.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Are we square? Uh-uh, shake?

Ah, you're too late. You blew it.

You think you're so smart just because you're alive.

Well, I can fix that.

No more Mr. Nice Ghost!

Nice going, cousin.

Now we have an angry ghost on our hands.

We're gonna have to figure out a way to get rid of him.

Oh, it's okay. Everything will be fine.

I'll-I'll just apologize.

No, no, cousin, it's too late for that.

Apologizing won't work.

Sure, it'll work. It always works.

I do something to you, you get mad.

I apologize, you forgive me.

Same thing happens with Jennifer.

It's a beautiful system.

Cousin, I don't think that-- Don't think. Don't think.

Cousin, just let me finish. Just don't think--

I did-- Just listen to me--

No, no, no, I know about-- Let me try it--

All right, fine, fine. Thank you. Thank you.

Have it your way.

Chester, I am really, really sorry.

I, you know, I-I don't know what came over me.

Just, you know, sometimes I, I get in these moods.

Ah, well, you know, I've been going through

a lot of changes lately.

(CHESTER MOANS)

Did you see that?

If that had hit me, it would have killed me!

Now he is trying to hurt me.

Just, just please do something.

You have to drive him away.

Go ahead! How do we do that?

is you've got to, to make him angry

and then, and then if you make him angry enough

he'll use up all his energy by having a ghostly tantrum.

And you know, cousin, why don't you try it?

You're good at making people angry.

Chester, when you died,

you were so ugly, they buried you face down.

Didn't work. Nothing's happening.

I think that something, something is kind of happening.

What's going on there?

I'm-I'm not quite sure,

and I have a feeling that Chester has control of my hand.

Oh!

I can't control it! What? What?

I still think Chester has control of my hand!

Stop it! Oh, cousin!

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Oo-ooh-oo!

(GAGGING)

Okay, okay, I think we've got him on the run

because-because he let go of me.

Maybe, maybe I should have a go at it.

All right, go for it. Go for it! Get him! Get him!

Okay, okay, um, uh, uh,

Chester you have the spleen of a cowardly goat!

Oh, you're getting him. You're getting him!

Okay, okay, uh, uh,

may, may you fall on your face

with your hands in your pockets.

(LAUGHING)

Balki? Yeah?

I think you did it. I do, too!

I think he's gone!

So do I. I think he's--

I think he's gone from the premises.

Yes.

I don't hear him. I don't hear him anywhere.

Amazing! We did it!

We did it! We drove the ghost from the house!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Balki! Balki!

(PANTING)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no!

(GRUNTING)

Whoa!

(BLABBERING)

Just, just-just hang on, cousin.

I think, I think Chester is on the run.

I think he's, I think he's, he's slowing down.

He's slowing down, cousin. Ow!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

All right, all right, Balki, Balki,

Chester, you can have the house.

Just please, please don't kill us.

Please don't kill us.

We were, we were just joking.

CHESTER: I hate jokes!

He hates jokes.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(CHESTER MOANING)

Larry, Balki, are you all right?

Oh, Jennifer.

Jennifer, you're back. Sweetheart, oh, oh.

Oh, I missed you.

Oh, Balki, I'm so glad you're safe.

Larry, what happened? Did you get rid of Chester?

Did we get rid of Chester? Did we get rid of Chester?

Balki, did we get rid of Chester?

Yes, cousin, we did. Yeah, we got rid of Chester.

Oh, yeah, he was no match for the two of us.

Oh, he tried his wily ghost tricks,

but nothing I couldn't handle.

until he got bored and then he left.

Larry, it was very brave of you to stay here.

Well, it's a man's job to protect his home.

Besides, Chester locked the door.

Come on. Let's get some breakfast.

(SCREAMS)

What? Jennifer, what-- The ghost is here.

That's my hand, look.

Oh.

That ghost is gone for good.

Mary Anne, bad news.

Elvis is dead.