Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,327
Yo! What up, dawg?
2
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:46,498
Yo, yo, yo,
diggity, yo!
3
00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:49,364
Yo, yo, yiggity-yo!
4
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:52,367
Yo, yo, yiggity-do.
5
00:01:52,412 --> 00:01:55,506
Yo, yo, yo, yo.
6
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,417
Yo-yo?
7
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,610
Oh, yeah, yeah, you better check yourself
8
00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:03,387
before you wreck yourself, because
that girl ain't nothing but trouble.
9
00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:06,324
Listen, this cock-a-doodle
do not do it that way.
10
00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:10,228
This cock-a-doodle-do
don't doodle-do that way.
11
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,390
This cock-a-doodle-do
don't do that way.
12
00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,263
Geez, Peaches...
13
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,325
shut your fuckin' pie-hole.
14
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:17,461
Listen, home-skillet,
15
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:22,305
I need some chedda',
to take my girl out,
16
00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:24,273
candy slack.
17
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,037
I think the scene is about...
18
00:02:27,062 --> 00:02:29,062
uh, that, uh...
19
00:02:30,283 --> 00:02:34,447
The scene is about...
a girl and a...
20
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:40,425
I think it's a comedy about a bunch of older cockers
in a retirement home, that's what it's about.
21
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:50,527
Hi, my name is J Kimball,
I'm an actor.
22
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:54,230
Hopefully, you actually knew that already,
otherwise, uh...
23
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,341
I don't know... have a little
chat with my agent, I guess.
24
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,375
Recently, I was asked to play a character...
25
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:03,280
who ages into his mid-80's, in a new comedy
26
00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:09,346
which I think is entitled "Do Not Not Resuscitate."
27
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:13,417
So, I gave it a good read, as I always do, and uh...
28
00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:15,958
it's terrible.
29
00:03:15,983 --> 00:03:17,396
Terrible.
30
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:21,189
The dialogue is bland, the
characters are under-developed,
31
00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:24,031
the plot... a piece of crap.
32
00:03:24,136 --> 00:03:24,894
Honey?
33
00:03:24,895 --> 00:03:27,268
- Then I had a second thought.
- Are you ready to go?
34
00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,502
Did I mention that it was
written by my brother-in-law?
35
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,268
My darling wife's adorable baby brother?
36
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,344
Turn that thing off.
37
00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:37,248
- I'm working.
- You haven't seen her in 6 months.
38
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:38,250
Honey, I'm busy here.
39
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:40,486
- You promised.
- Your project.
40
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:41,487
Your mother!
41
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:43,449
Just let me... give me...
42
00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:48,351
So I got a choice.
I can do the movie, or...
43
00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:50,293
suffer the consequences.
44
00:03:50,463 --> 00:03:52,363
You married guys know
what I'm talking about.
45
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,229
Obviously, I'm doing the movie.
46
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:57,393
And, since I have no idea what
it's like to be 85 years old,
47
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,496
I'm gonna need to do more research than usual.
48
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,034
And I figured I'd invite you
all along to suffer with me.
49
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,908
The only question is,
am I gonna do that research
50
00:04:04,934 --> 00:04:07,170
where my mother is,
at the Nancy Gaye...
51
00:04:07,212 --> 00:04:10,373
Why-the-hell-don't-you-visit-me-more-often
Nursing Home...
52
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:13,417
or... at The Coconuts Convalescent Home,
53
00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:17,250
conveniently located across the street
from my favorite casino?
54
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:21,360
Shuffle up and deal.
55
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,431
This is for your own personal use, correct?
56
00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:36,465
Yeah, yeah. I always like to do research,
makes the characters I play more real
57
00:04:36,509 --> 00:04:39,478
for me, you know?
And hopefully for the audience as well.
58
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:42,438
It's, uh... usually just gonna
be Bob here, y' know,
59
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:43,472
couple of guys on the crew.
60
00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:46,280
Em, sometimes I'll just shoot myself,
61
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,311
and sometimes we'll both shoot, at the same time.
62
00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,380
But don't worry about them.
They're.. they're non-union.
63
00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:51,390
Oh. Good.
64
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:55,521
Though I am happy to sign a
release, or a contract...
65
00:04:55,528 --> 00:04:57,359
No, that won't be necessary.
66
00:04:58,264 --> 00:04:59,626
Uh, so tell me... how
long have you been the
67
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,261
Activities Director here?
68
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,427
At The Coconuts? Well, uh,
69
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,395
I haven't always been an administrator.
70
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:08,373
Life... is but a walking shadow.
71
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,342
A poor player that...
72
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,367
struts and frets...
73
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:15,506
his hour upon the stage,
and then...
74
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,940
is heard no more.
75
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,242
You're an actor.
76
00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,447
I'm between roles.
77
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,423
Oh, now, I know how that goes.
78
00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:25,953
When was your last gig?
79
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:26,620
November.
80
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,660
- Well, that's not so...
- 1998.
81
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,966
Listen, what I...
just really wanna
82
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,493
kinda get out of all this, is uh...
83
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,369
an overall feel for
what it's like here
84
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:40,372
for the old people.
85
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,499
You know? Um, do they get visitors?
86
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,272
Do they get exercise?
87
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,845
Uh... What gets them up?
88
00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:47,773
In the morning, you know?
89
00:05:47,813 --> 00:05:49,504
And, indeed, can they still...
90
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:50,447
get it up?
91
00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:53,283
How do old people get around?
92
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:01,360
Well, first off...
93
00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:04,261
we don't like to call them
"old people."
94
00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:07,391
They're just people,
like you and me, only
95
00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:10,426
old.
96
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:14,431
- I can't find my glasses!
- They're on top of your head.
97
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:16,442
Oh, they're on top of my head.
98
00:06:18,277 --> 00:06:20,245
You didn't mention how long you will be with us.
99
00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:21,246
A couple of weeks.
100
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:23,278
Splendid!
101
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:27,953
So, the idea here at The Coconuts is
to make our residents feel at home.
102
00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,681
Of course, we try to keep things interesting,
103
00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,519
mix it up a bit.
104
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,458
In many respects, it's a lot
more fun than how they lived
105
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:42,297
before coming here.
106
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:44,326
Yes, sure! I see that, uh...
107
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,438
Thursday is cherry pie day.
108
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:49,374
I'm also very excited
about a new event we have
109
00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:53,368
scheduled for next month.
We're putting on our first "talent show".
110
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:57,281
So they, uh, still have the energy
to compete this late in life?
111
00:06:57,316 --> 00:07:00,444
Oh well, yeah. I don't like to
speak in clichés, you know,
112
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:03,478
"never too late" and all that,
but, uh... you'd be surprised.
113
00:07:03,889 --> 00:07:06,415
And, I might add,
uh, reassured
114
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,494
by what some of them still can do.
115
00:07:12,498 --> 00:07:16,491
- But, but, but... she's my niece!
- Yeah, I can see the resemblance.
116
00:07:16,502 --> 00:07:20,438
- I only need one more minute.
- Yes, well your niece will have to come back
117
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:22,373
at regular visiting hours.
118
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:24,273
I hope you wore a condom.
119
00:07:24,310 --> 00:07:26,505
Condoms? We ain't got no condoms.
120
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:29,276
We don't need no condoms.
121
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,477
I don't have to show you stinking condoms!
122
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,485
You do if you don't want
your dick to fall off.
123
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,447
You're just jealous because
I have a pretty face.
124
00:07:36,489 --> 00:07:38,514
And bigger balls.
125
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:44,419
Ah, shall we take a look around,
and introduce you to some of our
126
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,228
residents, who can help
you in your research?
127
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,426
- Okay.
- Yeah...
128
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,368
You really scared me
on that prison show.
129
00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:54,331
I've always secretly wanted a tattoo.
130
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,272
Oh-ho-ho, you...
131
00:08:05,384 --> 00:08:08,353
So, this is our recreation room.
132
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,257
What do you think,
stripes or solids?
133
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,383
How the fuck should I know?
134
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:17,385
Have they invented Braille balls since
I last checked, honkey mother fucker?
135
00:08:18,364 --> 00:08:20,229
Okay, nice to meet you.
136
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:21,423
That's Bernard.
137
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:23,297
"Big Sexy"!
138
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,395
Oh, yes, "Big Sexy."
139
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:29,431
He's harmless, and um, visually-challenged.
140
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,470
Hello, ladies.
141
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,243
Hi.
142
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:35,271
Morning.
143
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:38,341
- And one, and two.
- This is our all-purpose room.
144
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:41,285
Oh! You've come at a good time.
We're implementing some
145
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,483
innovative changes to health and exercise.
146
00:08:46,425 --> 00:08:48,416
Telephone! Telephone!
147
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:54,323
And one, and two, and three.
148
00:08:54,433 --> 00:08:55,491
And four.
149
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,234
And one,
150
00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:58,498
And two...
151
00:08:58,504 --> 00:09:02,235
That son of a bitch manager
stole my watch again!
152
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:05,301
Rex, no one has stolen your watch.
153
00:09:05,444 --> 00:09:06,941
Who the hell are you?
154
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,306
I'm the son of a bitch
who took...
155
00:09:09,415 --> 00:09:10,439
Nurse!
156
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:12,475
Knock, knock.
157
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,286
Who's there?
158
00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:21,226
Whoa!
159
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:25,321
So... that's about it.
Why don't you make yourself at home,
160
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,332
talk to some of our residents.
161
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,325
I have to get back to the office,
but if you need anything...
162
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:31,527
anything at all,
163
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,273
- just ask.
- Okay. Thanks, Greg.
164
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,434
I'll just hang out here and see
what the geezers are up to.
165
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,282
Gimme back my watch!
166
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:38,403
Hi, guys.
167
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,371
What's up?
168
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:41,473
My dick, if you rub it.
169
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,440
Listen, boy...
170
00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:44,375
this bench is for white's only.
171
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:46,345
Don't worry about Big Sexy.
172
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:50,245
Uh, you guys mind if I
just ask you a few questions?
173
00:10:50,349 --> 00:10:54,217
- Still a free country.
- Not for long, the Mexicans are takin' over.
174
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,252
Don't worry about him.
175
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,515
You're here to find out what
it's like to be old, right?
176
00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:00,457
Yeah, right.
177
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,220
It's horrible.
178
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,488
My back hurts all the time,
179
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:04,497
I can't sleep at night.
180
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,790
- Colonoscopies.
- It's just awful gettin' old.
181
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:11,336
Every day I have to wear diapers
'cause I can't control my bladder.
182
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,462
I'm constipated.
183
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:14,297
You guys are pathetic!
184
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:18,101
Every morning, 6 a.m., I
have a nice strong piss,
185
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:22,347
6:30 I have a good firm bowel movement.
186
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,977
Of course, I don't wake up till 7:00...
187
00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:28,002
Ba-dum-bum!
188
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:36,488
Is he still here?
189
00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:39,162
Yeah, still here.
190
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:43,326
That's very funny guys. I guess you don't lose
your sense of humor when you get old, huh?
191
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,138
But seriously, what
do you want to know?
192
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,065
Well, you know, everything.
193
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:52,341
I dunno, you guys look like you're pretty fit,
what do you do for exercise?
194
00:11:57,516 --> 00:11:59,381
Eat shit, faggot.
195
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:02,316
Jesus, Frank, now take it easy.
196
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:04,422
And... dead.
197
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:07,250
- This is.. it's research. It's for a movie I'm doing.
- A movie?
198
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:10,421
- You a Jew?
- I'm an actor.
199
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:14,296
I just wanna find out what
it really feels like to be old.
200
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:15,425
Now you're callin' us old?
201
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:19,235
- You are old!
- That's not what your mama said last night!
202
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:22,566
Wow... So come on, seriously,
what do you guys do?
203
00:12:22,591 --> 00:12:23,842
How do you keep in shape?
204
00:12:23,943 --> 00:12:25,811
We play a lot of paddle tennis.
205
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:29,309
Well, what is that? Paddle tennis?
Is that even a real thing?
206
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,473
Bet we could whip your ass!
207
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,760
You think so?
208
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,555
Rex and me... against you.
209
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:41,519
You win? We let you hang out
with us for your research.
210
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:45,454
We win, we get to
be in your movie.
211
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,294
Sure, all right. Deal.
212
00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,298
Deal!
213
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:04,808
Where's Rex?
214
00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:12,390
Ruth... come on.
215
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,049
Out!
216
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,064
Out!
217
00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:19,289
In!
218
00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:24,896
In.
219
00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:42,923
We won!
220
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,649
We won!
221
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,847
Yeah, yeah.
222
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,889
Looks like you lost.
223
00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:56,928
- I think the fix was in.
- I just call 'em like I see 'em.
224
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,927
This guy had a ringer. You totally cheated.
225
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:02,791
Hollywood! Here we come!
226
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,002
Okay, all right,
deal's a deal.
227
00:15:05,437 --> 00:15:06,301
Tell you what...
228
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:08,331
you can still hang with us.
229
00:15:08,507 --> 00:15:10,236
Eh? Thanks...
230
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,503
- I think.
- Just don't touch my junk.
231
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:15,506
I'll try to resist that urge.
232
00:15:20,486 --> 00:15:22,420
This might be tougher than I thought.
233
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,148
How's your research going?
234
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,853
Should've visited your mother instead.
235
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:32,965
Thank you, dear.
236
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:40,730
New guy.
237
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:44,304
Three o'clock.
238
00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:53,318
First time?
239
00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:55,349
Yes, sir.
240
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,680
- Scared it'll hurt?
- That you'll be humiliated?
241
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,584
Never hold your head
up in public again?
242
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:03,418
I'm just here 'cause my doctor said,
y' know, it's time to get it checked out.
243
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,456
Maybe you'll squeal like a pig.
244
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,390
Feel like you're being
raped, in prison.
245
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:08,490
And start to like it.
246
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,265
That's the goal.
247
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,298
Listen, nice chattin' with you guys,
I gotta finish this script.
248
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:16,299
I remember when I was a virgin.
249
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:17,934
Yeah? A while ago?
250
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:19,342
'52.
251
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,275
Oh, this really ages you.
252
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,506
Remember Art's son, Frankie?
253
00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:24,504
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
254
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:25,884
Insufficient lube.
255
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:26,984
It got stuck.
256
00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:30,388
Like goin' to the electric chair,
and they forgot to wet the sponge.
257
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,354
Sounds like Frankie forgot to relax.
258
00:16:32,424 --> 00:16:34,324
They lasered his poop-hole.
259
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:35,323
Really?
260
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,897
- Had to laser it shut.
- Oh, I hope he got a good lawyer.
261
00:16:38,922 --> 00:16:40,498
And ripped him a new one.
262
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:44,299
Does a kind of side-saddle
maneuver on the john now.
263
00:16:45,070 --> 00:16:46,996
- Oh, but other than that, he's fine.
- Colon's clear.
264
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,005
Yeah, yeah. Clear colon.
265
00:16:49,441 --> 00:16:50,499
Kind of a semi-colon.
266
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:56,244
Not that he uses it much anymore.
267
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:02,420
Is there any room, on either side of you guys?
We're a little squished in here.
268
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,415
Well, you know, they give you a DVD.
269
00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,355
- Yeah, they film it.
- I heard that.
270
00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:09,290
A keepsake you'll always treasure.
271
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,486
You know, man looks into the abyss,
272
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:15,331
and see's himself staring back at him.
273
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,997
All part of growin' older.
274
00:17:18,470 --> 00:17:19,368
Lookin' forward to it.
275
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,305
Bernard, we're ready for you.
276
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,410
Mmm, you smell good.
277
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,849
Why, thank you.
278
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,118
Hey! Come on, now, you...
279
00:17:33,143 --> 00:17:35,143
watch it!
280
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:42,952
- You're next.
- Oh, go ahead.
281
00:17:43,495 --> 00:17:45,326
- No, you.
- You go first.
282
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,297
- You'll thank me.
- After you.
283
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,458
- You're gonna really like this.
- She seems a little upset.
284
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,730
You are gonna get so used to this.
285
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,531
- Please go.
- You'll be so happy.
286
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:55,234
I have many years ahead of me.
287
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,274
- Might even tickle.
- Go.
288
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:58,767
- Take a chance!
- I'm gonna go home.
289
00:17:58,878 --> 00:17:59,806
No, no! Stay!
290
00:17:59,831 --> 00:18:01,331
Stay!
291
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:05,210
Mistake.
292
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:15,252
So, uh, Rex... what are you
doing for the big talent show?
293
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:18,295
What talent show?
294
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,657
Uh, the... that's...
Not to worry, we'll come back to you.
295
00:18:21,782 --> 00:18:22,634
Bernard, what about you?
296
00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,428
Don't worry about me,
I'm workin' on it.
297
00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:26,338
Okay.
298
00:18:26,363 --> 00:18:30,263
Why they want you to have any
good time in this damn place?
299
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,237
We're right in the middle of an interview!
300
00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:34,308
That's okay, I don't mind.
301
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:37,214
Okay, what are you doin'
for the talent show?
302
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:41,744
- I don't do that stupid shit.
- You gotta love the president's stimulus package.
303
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,280
Is that what's payin' for all this?
304
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,388
You see the new girl that checked in yesterday?
305
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:51,486
I hesitate to ask here, Victor...
what is... what is goin' on there?
306
00:18:52,464 --> 00:18:56,400
Oh, sexting! With a
shawty I met last week.
307
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,436
He's addicted to sext, you know?
308
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,763
Wow, that's, uh...
309
00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:03,407
She hittin' you back, there?
Is that what's goin' on?
310
00:19:06,712 --> 00:19:08,406
Ooh! Where'd you meet her?
Comic-Con?
311
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:11,279
She was a friend of my wife's.
312
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:12,940
I didn't know you were married.
313
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:15,443
Well, I'm not.
314
00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,310
Anymore...
315
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,658
Oh. I'm sorry. What, uh...
what happened?
316
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:28,325
Kandearoo.
Kandearoo...
317
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,230
What is that? What is Kandearoo?
318
00:20:00,941 --> 00:20:02,341
Jesus!
319
00:20:02,467 --> 00:20:04,435
I mean, there's no way to stop it?
320
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:27,315
God! That's... that's terrible. Victor, I'm
321
00:20:27,459 --> 00:20:30,326
I'm so sorry man, I- I didn't know.
322
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:41,472
Va-va-verga!
323
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:44,400
You gotta be kiddin' me.
324
00:20:45,444 --> 00:20:47,207
- Breckin! Breckin Meyer!
- Hey guys!
325
00:20:47,232 --> 00:20:48,232
- Where you goin'?
- How's it goin'?
326
00:20:48,257 --> 00:20:50,757
I'm going to play some laser tag with
some elderly folks. You wanna watch?
327
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:52,008
Mind if we tag along?
328
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,417
Yeah, actually, I want the footage, come on.
329
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:58,114
- We love your show, uh, Frank and Beans.
- Oh, thanks brother, we're having a good time.
330
00:20:58,558 --> 00:20:59,525
J!
331
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:00,558
- There he is!
- How's it goin'?
332
00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:02,156
- Hey, man, thanks for coming.
- All right.
333
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,387
Good to see you, and these guys just, what?
Follow you around
334
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,665
Yeah, it's my entourage,
you don't mind do you?
335
00:21:05,690 --> 00:21:06,397
Whatever.
336
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:09,334
- Who's this?
- "Who is this?" Who doesn't have a television?
337
00:21:09,359 --> 00:21:10,401
What, are you kidding me?
338
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:12,267
- Breckin Meyer, how ya' doin'?
- What are you, twelve?
339
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:13,395
- 12 inches.
- Bracken Meyers.
340
00:21:14,306 --> 00:21:15,398
- Breckin Meyer?
- Yes sir.
341
00:21:15,474 --> 00:21:17,408
It sounds like a strand of
Ukrainian syphilis to me.
342
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,371
Kinda' mouthy for a blind
guy playing laser tag.
343
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:25,349
Oh! Before the cock crows three times,
you shall be punked by the blind.
344
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,680
- Is he, did he just call me a cock?
- Apparently so.
345
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:32,485
Okay, Father Time? Cryptkeeper? Methuselah?
Let's go, let's do this.
346
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:37,421
All right, welcome to your ultimate laser tag
adventure, are you guys excited to be here?
347
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:40,329
- Oh yeah.
- Awesome, that's nice.
348
00:21:40,365 --> 00:21:45,061
Uh, so my name is Justin and this is Daniel,
my trusty sidekick. Everyone say "Hello Daniel."
349
00:21:45,270 --> 00:21:46,464
Hello, Daniel!
350
00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:48,403
And we're gonna be your Game-Masters today.
351
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,470
Did he say Gay Masters?
352
00:21:50,596 --> 00:21:53,424
What sort of S&M bullshit
did you bring me to today?
353
00:21:53,477 --> 00:21:55,246
So let's get started.
354
00:21:55,414 --> 00:21:58,181
When you guys walk in that door, you're
gonna see a bunch of vests like this one,
355
00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:01,078
and what you want to do is grab the vest off
the rack and throw it over your shoulders
356
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,347
- making sure the laser is in front.
- Looks like an electric dick.
357
00:22:04,423 --> 00:22:07,415
It sure does. If the laser isn't
in front your pack's on backwards
358
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:09,917
and that's stupid because you
can't fire out of your butts.
359
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:12,526
- Oh, this guy here can.
- I bet!
360
00:22:13,065 --> 00:22:16,157
So then you wanna strap in your sides and
then you're gonna detach your laser from the vest,
361
00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:18,294
and hold the vest with the laser
with two hands at all times.
362
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:19,859
- How many hands?
- Two hands. - Two!
363
00:22:19,938 --> 00:22:23,372
That's right, two hands. Now, you
wanna fire everywhere and anywhere
364
00:22:23,442 --> 00:22:25,239
you see blinking, flashing lights.
365
00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:27,438
So, if it's blinking, you blast it.
What do you do? You...
366
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,276
- Blast it.
- Come on guys, what do you do?
367
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,442
- Blast it!
- That's right, you blast it!
368
00:22:32,484 --> 00:22:34,315
All right, Daniel take it over.
369
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:37,254
All right, we're gonna go over some
important game rules for today.
370
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:40,416
Ah, the first rule is the
most important, you guys...
371
00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:44,061
No running. If you run, you're done.
372
00:22:44,128 --> 00:22:47,097
Seriously, with you guy's hearts,
if you run, you're done.
373
00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:49,291
You're gonna die. This'll be it.
374
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:52,269
- I'll beat your little ass.
- No climbing or crawling.
375
00:22:52,337 --> 00:22:55,431
No crawling anywhere in the maze, you guys.
376
00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:58,011
Uh, no physical contact.
377
00:22:58,037 --> 00:23:00,826
Yeah, Victor, that means keep
your hands off my junk, too. Okay?
378
00:23:01,346 --> 00:23:05,148
No touching.
Uh, no unsportsmanlike conduct.
379
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:09,153
If it don't feel cool, it ain't cool,
and that includes offensive language.
380
00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:12,615
No... that includes trash talking,
no trash talking, you guys.
381
00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:14,254
- That's bullshit.
- Totally.
382
00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:17,318
Next rule, follow staff instructions at all times.
383
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:19,364
We... are staff.
384
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:22,458
Last rule, any persons failing
to follow these rules
385
00:23:22,534 --> 00:23:26,368
will be asked to leave without a refund.
So, if you just follow these rules, you guys...
386
00:23:26,438 --> 00:23:27,762
we'll have a great game, okay?
387
00:23:27,839 --> 00:23:29,439
- We'll be good.
- Whoo! - Okay!
388
00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:31,038
- Yeah!
- Okay. Let's do it.
389
00:23:31,063 --> 00:23:32,076
Go, old people!
390
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,235
Not you guys.
391
00:23:39,985 --> 00:23:41,213
Rex! It's me!
392
00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:55,333
- Damn.
- Right, are you okay?
393
00:23:55,367 --> 00:24:00,395
- Bernard? What? Is it your heart?
- You.. dirty... bastards!
394
00:24:17,422 --> 00:24:19,447
Say "hello" to my little friend!
395
00:24:20,525 --> 00:24:22,254
Hey.
396
00:24:26,932 --> 00:24:27,990
Fish in a barrel.
397
00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:37,500
Hey. Looks like we won.
398
00:24:38,376 --> 00:24:41,504
That's it! You're all out.
You run, you're done!
399
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,271
You run, you're done.
400
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,376
- We have to go.
- That's true, Justin.
401
00:24:47,452 --> 00:24:51,411
You break the rules,
you get no refund.
402
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:54,292
Seemed like a short game to me.
403
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:56,361
Hey, where Rex?
404
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,464
You guys keep up on the
latest technology at all?
405
00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:02,700
- Well, I've seen color TV.
- I got a stereo.
406
00:25:03,335 --> 00:25:05,362
Beautiful, welcome to the
21st century here guys,
407
00:25:05,387 --> 00:25:07,387
this... is a smart phone.
408
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:11,599
Can make phone calls, of course, you can also do a
shit-load of other things, but here, wait, wait...
409
00:25:12,310 --> 00:25:15,404
I'll show you on this 'cause it's got a
bigger screen for your tired old eyes.
410
00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:21,444
You can, uh, you can surf the web here, you got
emails, I got thousands of photos in this thing.
411
00:25:21,486 --> 00:25:25,813
Uh... music, got a calendar, maps!
You got maps of the whole world on this thing.
412
00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:29,521
There's a... there's thousands of apps you can
get for this, all on this one little device.
413
00:25:29,594 --> 00:25:33,328
It's, it's unbelievable. It's a dazzling
display of technology, right?
414
00:25:33,398 --> 00:25:35,389
It's like a phone, only bigger.
415
00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:44,366
Okay. Here, look. Look at this, this is the most
portable, powerful, lightweight notebook money can buy.
416
00:25:44,442 --> 00:25:47,642
And I can do all that same stuff on this,
but I can also, I can upload footage here,
417
00:25:47,913 --> 00:25:49,972
I use this for my research
all the time, I can edit,
418
00:25:50,415 --> 00:25:53,282
- I could, I could make a movie on this thing.
- Really?
419
00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:55,319
- Yeah.
- So you could make a porno?
420
00:25:55,353 --> 00:25:58,516
Porno, you want porno, here we go.
In two seconds,
421
00:25:59,291 --> 00:26:02,419
just for you, eyes and ears,
we have porno!
422
00:26:04,362 --> 00:26:08,458
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, spank
the monkey, smart boy.
423
00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:11,427
Damn.
424
00:26:15,273 --> 00:26:16,403
Hello?
425
00:26:16,828 --> 00:26:17,928
Hello?
426
00:26:20,278 --> 00:26:21,472
Hello!
427
00:26:39,464 --> 00:26:42,456
You seem nice.
428
00:26:44,302 --> 00:26:49,399
I'm also a pretty good dancer.
429
00:26:51,509 --> 00:26:55,343
I'd like to see you dance.
430
00:26:55,447 --> 00:26:57,415
Oh.
431
00:27:23,713 --> 00:27:25,474
...really do see the market to continue to trend...
432
00:27:25,499 --> 00:27:27,499
- ...know why I'm here in the first place.
- Skank.
433
00:27:29,877 --> 00:27:32,748
...now there's a line drive
down the left field line...
434
00:27:34,386 --> 00:27:37,287
Do you know the secret to a
long-lasting relationship?
435
00:27:38,289 --> 00:27:40,450
Good communication?
436
00:27:40,525 --> 00:27:42,356
Romantic dinners?
437
00:27:43,528 --> 00:27:45,765
Walks in the park?
438
00:27:46,190 --> 00:27:48,790
Those are all great, but not even close.
439
00:27:49,234 --> 00:27:54,494
A recent survey found that 104 percent of males said
the secret to a long-lasting relationship is...
440
00:27:54,572 --> 00:27:59,070
a great blowjob!
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441
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,273
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to giving a great blowjob,
442
00:28:01,313 --> 00:28:04,214
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443
00:28:04,382 --> 00:28:08,318
This DVD covers such topics as:
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444
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:10,344
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445
00:28:11,289 --> 00:28:13,257
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446
00:28:13,458 --> 00:28:15,221
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447
00:28:16,494 --> 00:28:20,186
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beginner and advanced techniques.
448
00:28:21,466 --> 00:28:24,435
The first 200 callers will
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449
00:28:24,502 --> 00:28:27,300
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450
00:28:27,405 --> 00:28:31,432
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451
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:34,376
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452
00:28:34,946 --> 00:28:37,607
Get yours, before your
man gets his...
453
00:28:37,983 --> 00:28:39,741
somewhere else.
454
00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:43,286
Oh, my!
455
00:28:44,456 --> 00:28:47,448
Ruth Mama Zion! Where did you get that bikini?
456
00:28:48,393 --> 00:28:51,260
Amazon.com.
457
00:28:51,463 --> 00:28:53,397
What has gotten into you lately?
458
00:28:53,465 --> 00:28:57,265
Turns out you can teach
an old dog new tricks.
459
00:29:00,472 --> 00:29:02,463
Something's missing.
460
00:29:07,312 --> 00:29:09,337
Very funny.
461
00:29:16,454 --> 00:29:18,319
Very good! Very good!
462
00:29:20,325 --> 00:29:21,383
What?
463
00:29:21,493 --> 00:29:23,427
Where are ya'?
464
00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:25,119
- You're hot.
- I know you're in here somewhere.
465
00:29:25,144 --> 00:29:26,263
You're gettin' hot.
466
00:29:27,364 --> 00:29:30,390
- Where are you?
- Hotter.
467
00:29:31,302 --> 00:29:33,293
Yea!
468
00:29:47,352 --> 00:29:50,253
Does Greg know you're
out here this late?
469
00:29:50,321 --> 00:29:51,447
It's only 6 o'clock.
470
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:57,394
- Hi Ruth.
- Oh. Hi Victor.
471
00:29:58,363 --> 00:30:00,388
Well, I'm gonna go get changed.
472
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:02,365
I'll see you at dinner.
473
00:30:06,471 --> 00:30:10,430
God, that daughter of his...
really get's him down.
474
00:30:10,508 --> 00:30:14,501
Yeah, I know. She only visits him
for the life insurance money.
475
00:30:15,313 --> 00:30:17,281
Oh, poor guy.
476
00:30:39,270 --> 00:30:40,532
Hi, Victor.
477
00:30:41,372 --> 00:30:44,500
You know how cute I always thought you were.
478
00:31:35,526 --> 00:31:39,292
Gee... are there any Q-tips?
479
00:31:44,535 --> 00:31:46,435
Hang on!
480
00:31:56,447 --> 00:31:59,211
Doesn't anybody fucking knock anymore?
481
00:32:00,285 --> 00:32:03,012
- So, I don't want to play this guy like he's feeble or senile or...
- Honey?
482
00:32:03,037 --> 00:32:04,354
- doesn't know what's going on in the world.
- Honey?
483
00:32:04,355 --> 00:32:07,518
- Just a sec'! These guys wanna have sex, they can still get it up.
- Who spanked the monkey? Hmm?
484
00:32:07,959 --> 00:32:09,048
Apparently.
485
00:32:09,327 --> 00:32:11,261
- Smart boy?
- Okay, let me tell ya'.
486
00:32:11,296 --> 00:32:14,322
I was showing the old farts
about computers today,
487
00:32:14,365 --> 00:32:17,459
and about getting on the internet, and about
all the stuff I can do on the computer like
488
00:32:17,502 --> 00:32:21,404
editing, and you know, I said I could make my own
movie, this guy Bernard says could you make a porno
489
00:32:21,406 --> 00:32:24,073
and I said, oh, well here,
lemme show you some porno.
490
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:27,010
- These guys are like, they're like conniving little children.
- Sweetheart?
491
00:32:27,078 --> 00:32:29,945
- What?
- It's okay. I trust you.
492
00:32:30,348 --> 00:32:31,474
- You do?
- Yes.
493
00:32:31,983 --> 00:32:34,244
It's a convalescent home, how much
trouble can you really get into?
494
00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:36,514
I think you'd be surprised.
495
00:32:37,322 --> 00:32:39,381
Yeah? Oh...
496
00:32:39,558 --> 00:32:40,718
surprise me.
497
00:32:48,399 --> 00:32:52,392
Hello everyone.
My new best friend, J,
498
00:32:52,437 --> 00:32:57,465
has generously offered to ask today's special
guest to come in and show you some...
499
00:32:57,508 --> 00:32:59,499
invaluable self-defense moves.
500
00:32:59,544 --> 00:33:03,344
When I heard he was coming,
I got all choked up.
501
00:33:04,248 --> 00:33:08,344
Ah, I'm proud to introduce
Mr. Randy "The Natural" Couture.
502
00:33:08,453 --> 00:33:11,320
Who the hell is Randy Couture?
503
00:33:11,322 --> 00:33:15,586
Mr. Couture came in second on the 9th
season of "Dancing With The Celebrities".
504
00:33:16,260 --> 00:33:20,492
Actually, I'm a former UFC heavyweight champion
and inductee into the UFC Hall of Fame,
505
00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:23,433
but, you gotta be talking about Chuck Liddell.
506
00:33:24,402 --> 00:33:27,269
Who was, what, ninth on that dance show?
And I'm...
507
00:33:27,438 --> 00:33:29,303
way better looking than he is.
508
00:33:29,874 --> 00:33:32,242
Mr. Couture is a mixed martial arts legend.
509
00:33:32,276 --> 00:33:33,770
This guy practically invented the sport.
510
00:33:33,811 --> 00:33:35,545
What is he talking about?
511
00:33:35,847 --> 00:33:40,282
That shit ain't a sport. Just
a buncha ass-grabbin' homos
512
00:33:40,307 --> 00:33:42,607
who didn't get enough lovin' from their mothers.
513
00:33:42,620 --> 00:33:45,184
Is he gonna teach us to dance like a star?
514
00:33:45,223 --> 00:33:49,091
Oh, ho, ho, I wish! Mr. Couture was nice
enough to come down and teach us some of the
515
00:33:49,394 --> 00:33:52,295
basic movements of mixed martial arts.
516
00:33:52,330 --> 00:33:55,265
He's gonna show you some pretty neat stuff,
517
00:33:55,299 --> 00:33:56,425
so you can protect yourself,
518
00:33:56,467 --> 00:33:58,367
should the need arise.
519
00:33:58,403 --> 00:33:59,461
So...
520
00:34:11,282 --> 00:34:15,412
let's get ready to wrestle!
521
00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:23,258
Well, thank you ladies and gentlemen.
I'm very excited to be here this afternoon,
522
00:34:23,294 --> 00:34:25,455
although not quite as excited as Greg here.
523
00:34:26,364 --> 00:34:28,298
How many of you have seen
what we do in the Octagon?
524
00:34:30,501 --> 00:34:34,437
Okay. Well, we could do a demonstration,
so... I need a volunteer.
525
00:34:37,275 --> 00:34:38,264
How about you, sir?
526
00:34:38,376 --> 00:34:40,310
I want to demonstrate some
pretty simple techniques
527
00:34:40,311 --> 00:34:42,245
that don't require a lot of speed or strength,
528
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:45,272
but if you apply them properly, you
can take out even the biggest guy.
529
00:34:45,383 --> 00:34:50,320
I want to make sure I isolate that bottom arm,
locking out that elbow and that wrist.
530
00:34:50,521 --> 00:34:55,390
And from there, it's pretty easy to escape,
or even turn the situation around.
531
00:34:55,426 --> 00:34:58,395
If you're ever attacked from the front,
somebody tries to grab you,
532
00:34:59,330 --> 00:35:03,289
I wanna take that arm off, drag it by,
and now I get behind my attacker.
533
00:35:03,334 --> 00:35:04,794
From here, I wanna apply a rear choke,
534
00:35:04,835 --> 00:35:06,803
so I'm gonna wrap my arm around his neck,
535
00:35:07,371 --> 00:35:09,498
I'm applying pressure to
both those carotid arteries.
536
00:35:09,507 --> 00:35:12,374
I'll lock this technique on, in about 7 seconds
537
00:35:12,410 --> 00:35:14,275
my attacker will pass out.
538
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:17,380
Now, you're a big strong guy.
539
00:35:17,482 --> 00:35:20,246
- You wanna try that technique?
- Okay.
540
00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:23,982
Okay, again. The rear choke, he
wraps the arm around the neck.
541
00:35:24,489 --> 00:35:27,420
All right, let's slide this hand behind
that's gonna make it nice and tight.
542
00:35:28,392 --> 00:35:32,419
Now from here, if I let him apply the choke,
he starts to cut off the blood... Hey, hey, hey...
543
00:35:32,497 --> 00:35:34,294
that's gettin' tight.
544
00:35:34,332 --> 00:35:36,357
He starts to... and, uh...
and...
545
00:35:40,238 --> 00:35:41,227
Oh my god!
546
00:35:41,472 --> 00:35:44,305
Oh! My god!!
547
00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:46,435
Does anyone have a camera?
548
00:35:47,345 --> 00:35:50,405
This'll be perfect for my Facebook page.
549
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:11,233
You guys pickin' up some
costumes for your grandkids?
550
00:36:11,502 --> 00:36:13,402
- (mumbling)
- What?
551
00:36:14,272 --> 00:36:15,466
- (mumbling)
- What?
552
00:36:15,473 --> 00:36:19,409
Go fuck yourself.
553
00:36:20,378 --> 00:36:21,470
Oh...
554
00:36:22,313 --> 00:36:25,510
Douchebag says "what".
And I said "what".
555
00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:29,244
Do you believe that salesman
talking about the grandchildren?
556
00:36:29,269 --> 00:36:31,254
Like we came here for grandchildren.
557
00:36:31,255 --> 00:36:33,223
- Do you believe that?
- What a nerd. Ooh!
558
00:36:33,257 --> 00:36:35,225
This is the row.
559
00:36:35,293 --> 00:36:37,061
- This is the row.
- Oh, really?
560
00:36:37,095 --> 00:36:38,255
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
561
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,462
Yeah.
562
00:36:39,463 --> 00:36:41,294
- Oh, yeah.
- Sexy?
563
00:36:41,332 --> 00:36:42,501
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
564
00:36:42,526 --> 00:36:44,526
Oh-ho yeah!
565
00:37:35,353 --> 00:37:37,412
Here! Try these on.
566
00:37:41,492 --> 00:37:43,357
So how do I look?
567
00:37:44,528 --> 00:37:46,393
Really scary.
568
00:37:47,365 --> 00:37:49,230
Is the air conditioning on?
569
00:37:50,334 --> 00:37:52,325
Seems a little cool in here.
570
00:38:00,344 --> 00:38:03,211
Hey, old timers, you wanna buy
a map to the star's homes?
571
00:38:03,247 --> 00:38:04,407
You got Brangelina?
572
00:38:04,548 --> 00:38:06,482
- Sure.
- You gonna ask her out?
573
00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:10,311
- It depends.
- Say, you got any black people in there?
574
00:38:11,089 --> 00:38:14,058
- Tiger?
- Oh! He's my hero!
575
00:38:14,258 --> 00:38:15,486
He's a master sexter!
576
00:38:15,526 --> 00:38:17,323
Wait a minute.
577
00:38:17,361 --> 00:38:20,296
- He's black?
- Yeah.
578
00:38:20,398 --> 00:38:22,332
Really?
579
00:38:26,437 --> 00:38:28,462
He's nice.
580
00:38:29,941 --> 00:38:31,101
Nice costume.
581
00:38:31,542 --> 00:38:34,238
You too.
582
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,309
Trick or treat!
583
00:38:46,424 --> 00:38:49,393
That's a damn good question
you've asked, fellows.
584
00:38:49,427 --> 00:38:51,258
This "Trick or Treat."
585
00:38:52,263 --> 00:38:54,322
Quite the conundrum, really.
586
00:38:55,433 --> 00:38:57,367
Having said that,
587
00:38:57,468 --> 00:39:00,232
my costumed friends,
588
00:39:00,271 --> 00:39:04,207
as fate would have it,
I, too, have a question.
589
00:39:05,309 --> 00:39:07,470
Brace yourselves, it's a doozy.
590
00:39:08,379 --> 00:39:10,313
Which one of you pricks can guess,
591
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:13,317
what I've buried under my house...
592
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:17,287
Where you going? Hey!
593
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:20,388
I got Reese's Pieces in here.
594
00:39:20,491 --> 00:39:23,324
And Winston Lights, come back!
595
00:39:30,368 --> 00:39:31,426
I'll be right back.
596
00:39:32,069 --> 00:39:33,127
I gotta do somethin'.
597
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:37,432
I wasted a whole hour watchin'
this douchebag's TV show.
598
00:39:53,457 --> 00:39:56,290
Happy Halloween.
599
00:39:57,361 --> 00:39:58,453
Sir?
600
00:39:59,463 --> 00:40:01,488
Are you... is this ding dong ditch?
601
00:40:02,299 --> 00:40:03,459
By a hundred-year-old?
602
00:40:05,369 --> 00:40:08,304
Is this you running away? Sir?
603
00:40:08,339 --> 00:40:10,500
That's funny. That's very funny.
604
00:40:12,276 --> 00:40:14,506
You're not... you're not moving
very fast, sir. I could...
605
00:40:15,312 --> 00:40:18,247
come down there and stick a
candy bar up your fuckin' ass.
606
00:40:18,349 --> 00:40:19,407
If I felt like it.
607
00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:21,350
Sir.
608
00:40:21,519 --> 00:40:23,384
Have I done something to offend you?
609
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,355
In the past? I'm just curious
610
00:40:25,356 --> 00:40:28,416
because I'm just sitting on my couch,
waiting for obnoxious children
611
00:40:28,459 --> 00:40:31,257
dressed like Spiderman.
612
00:40:31,329 --> 00:40:33,297
Fuck you, sir.
Fuck you.
613
00:40:33,531 --> 00:40:35,465
Okay?
614
00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:37,358
Fuck you!
615
00:40:38,402 --> 00:40:42,270
I hope you have a fuckin'... horrible birthday,
if you ever have one... again.
616
00:40:45,242 --> 00:40:46,300
Now I'm fuckin' depressed.
617
00:40:52,516 --> 00:40:54,313
Is this my man's place?
618
00:40:54,351 --> 00:40:56,285
I think so.
619
00:41:03,494 --> 00:41:06,361
- Hey, fellows.
- Trick or treat!
620
00:41:07,331 --> 00:41:10,459
Come on, isn't there an age
limit on trick or treating?
621
00:41:10,501 --> 00:41:12,492
Just give us some candy, bitch.
622
00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:18,239
Wow... well, Mr. Geezer, perhaps you've
had a little too much sugar, huh?
623
00:41:18,242 --> 00:41:22,235
Look, I'm a rich fucker, how did you get in here?
Right? There's a security guy out there.
624
00:41:22,346 --> 00:41:24,405
I don't like old people coming in and I just...
625
00:41:24,515 --> 00:41:27,279
Get the fuck out of my place.
This is my house!
626
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,419
I didn't get any candy.
627
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,461
Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.
628
00:42:30,347 --> 00:42:34,306
So, who'd be the bitch now, bi-atch?
629
00:42:40,324 --> 00:42:42,485
So let's see, where we are right now.
630
00:42:44,495 --> 00:42:46,429
What's this?
631
00:42:48,365 --> 00:42:54,361
Hey, hey, hey! Shh, shh, shh! Guys, keep it down
just a little bit, okay? My wife's sleeping.
632
00:42:54,471 --> 00:42:56,302
Is this it?
633
00:42:56,373 --> 00:42:59,140
Oh, this is my office-slash-mancave.
634
00:42:59,176 --> 00:43:02,370
- It's where I do most of my work.
- Where's the indoor pool, and the manservant?
635
00:43:02,446 --> 00:43:05,438
Come on, inside voice, okay?
I gave Cheswick the night off.
636
00:43:05,482 --> 00:43:08,417
Somebody wake me when it's time to
go, this place is boring as shit.
637
00:43:09,286 --> 00:43:11,345
What's with all the boxes?
Are you moving?
638
00:43:11,522 --> 00:43:13,490
No. No, um...
639
00:43:14,391 --> 00:43:19,390
A while back, my... my mother had a bad
fall and broke her hip, so you know,
640
00:43:19,415 --> 00:43:21,415
we had to put her in a rest home, I'm...
641
00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,267
- I'm goin' through her stuff.
- Where is she?
642
00:43:24,368 --> 00:43:27,428
- Nancy Gaye.
- Jesus Christ!
643
00:43:27,453 --> 00:43:29,405
Why in the world would
you put her there?
644
00:43:29,406 --> 00:43:33,240
- What? What's wrong with it?
- Talk about boring, why don't you just ship her straight to the morgue?
645
00:43:33,277 --> 00:43:35,302
Come on, it's not that bad.
646
00:43:35,412 --> 00:43:38,279
- "It's not that bad?"
- When was the last time you were there?
647
00:43:41,485 --> 00:43:44,283
Another ungrateful kid.
648
00:43:45,422 --> 00:43:47,253
I just...
649
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:51,292
I just can't see her like that.
650
00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:56,333
Will somebody help me down from here?
651
00:43:59,403 --> 00:44:03,362
- Nice wheels!
- Yeah, I'm proud of Buster Hymen.
652
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:09,345
I got a dual 12-volt, 95 amp-hour,
deep-cycle, lead-acid sealed battery
653
00:44:09,547 --> 00:44:17,515
with removable armrests for maximum maneuverability,
there's tracks in back, for snow, mud, and deep sand
654
00:44:18,522 --> 00:44:22,390
high performance hybrid tires for off-roadin'
655
00:44:23,293 --> 00:44:24,453
leather seat,
656
00:44:25,462 --> 00:44:31,367
and double-reinforced hand grips for
superior handling and enhanced control.
657
00:44:33,270 --> 00:44:34,430
What do you need all that for?
658
00:44:45,315 --> 00:44:46,441
Victor!
659
00:44:55,325 --> 00:44:57,293
Damn!
660
00:45:35,365 --> 00:45:40,530
Come on, come on, come on, hurry!
Come on, you can!
661
00:45:45,542 --> 00:45:47,442
Congratulations.
662
00:45:52,382 --> 00:45:57,376
Welcome everyone.
It is so nice to see you all.
663
00:45:58,422 --> 00:46:01,414
I am excited about our project today.
664
00:46:01,492 --> 00:46:03,426
Because...
665
00:46:04,261 --> 00:46:08,391
we are going to try something a little different.
666
00:46:10,267 --> 00:46:11,461
Come on in.
667
00:46:11,535 --> 00:46:14,368
Come on, don't be shy.
668
00:46:15,339 --> 00:46:17,330
This is Luke, everyone.
669
00:46:17,407 --> 00:46:21,309
Luke, you just step right up here and
turn around and, um...
670
00:46:21,378 --> 00:46:25,439
Well...
671
00:46:25,482 --> 00:46:28,474
- Oh, my!
- Meh!
672
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:31,344
No.
673
00:46:43,433 --> 00:46:46,459
Well. Oh, Bernard.
674
00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:50,273
- You're joining us today.
- They canceled Bingo.
675
00:46:50,340 --> 00:46:54,299
Well, it's very nice to have you.
Just come right over here,
676
00:46:54,545 --> 00:46:57,480
I have a chair for you, right next to Victor.
677
00:46:58,348 --> 00:47:02,485
Okay, here's the chair.
Oops, there you go. And...
678
00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:07,549
Never thought I'd be sittin' in a
girlie class with peckerwoods like you.
679
00:47:08,292 --> 00:47:10,419
We got a nude model today.
680
00:47:10,527 --> 00:47:12,495
- Go on!
- Yep.
681
00:47:13,430 --> 00:47:15,330
Big titties?
682
00:47:16,433 --> 00:47:19,266
Oh... very well endowed.
683
00:47:19,336 --> 00:47:22,362
Well, wait till she gets a load of Big Sexy.
684
00:47:23,273 --> 00:47:27,437
Okay, class, now, let's begin
685
00:47:27,544 --> 00:47:33,505
by entering the clay with our
hands and taking hold of it.
686
00:47:34,484 --> 00:47:37,615
Yes, let it envelop your imagination...
687
00:47:37,822 --> 00:47:39,915
as it does your fingertips.
688
00:47:41,391 --> 00:47:47,425
Oh, become one with its and soft, pliable wetness.
689
00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:52,825
Let go of your inhibitions and
mold the piece to your will.
690
00:47:53,503 --> 00:47:59,305
Now, maybe you want to focus
on one certain area...
691
00:48:00,444 --> 00:48:04,346
Like, um...
the eyes, or...
692
00:48:05,515 --> 00:48:07,346
the feet...
693
00:48:07,417 --> 00:48:09,248
for example.
694
00:48:09,319 --> 00:48:14,416
Or, maybe just the overall
essence of the model.
695
00:48:15,425 --> 00:48:18,223
Oh, knead and stretch,
696
00:48:18,262 --> 00:48:21,425
pull, prod, and twist the clay
697
00:48:21,498 --> 00:48:23,466
into submission.
698
00:48:28,272 --> 00:48:30,263
Uh... Well, let's see what we have here.
699
00:48:30,507 --> 00:48:35,501
Oh, my! That's very van Gogh, Rex.
700
00:48:37,381 --> 00:48:40,282
Oh, why that's excellent realism, Ruth.
701
00:48:40,517 --> 00:48:42,451
And very nice, Mary.
702
00:48:43,487 --> 00:48:45,455
Mary?
703
00:48:45,480 --> 00:48:47,080
Ah-hah...
704
00:48:47,491 --> 00:48:51,325
Oh, Victor!
Victor, um...
705
00:48:52,396 --> 00:48:54,261
Yes!
706
00:48:54,531 --> 00:48:56,465
And Bernard!
707
00:48:56,901 --> 00:48:58,892
Bernard, that's very imaginative.
708
00:48:59,369 --> 00:49:03,237
That is very good use of
personal interpretation.
709
00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:09,336
Oh, and please. Please feel free to use your
hands on the model, to mold what you see.
710
00:49:09,413 --> 00:49:14,441
I mean, after all, art is as much
about feeling as it is about seeing.
711
00:49:15,285 --> 00:49:17,378
Damn, this must be my lucky day.
712
00:49:17,487 --> 00:49:19,352
Oh, I wish it were me.
713
00:49:19,389 --> 00:49:21,254
Come on, I'll take you to the model.
714
00:49:21,592 --> 00:49:23,560
All rightie? Here we go.
715
00:49:24,962 --> 00:49:29,956
And I have a chair for you... have
a seat right here, there you go.
716
00:49:30,768 --> 00:49:34,795
And I'll just wheel you
right up here, and here...
717
00:49:34,939 --> 00:49:36,839
let's begin with the foot.
718
00:49:38,364 --> 00:49:40,364
Oh! Ooh...
719
00:49:42,312 --> 00:49:44,371
Big Sexy likes your feet.
720
00:49:47,851 --> 00:49:49,045
Oh! And you work out, too.
721
00:49:53,357 --> 00:49:55,484
You need to shave more often, baby.
722
00:49:56,293 --> 00:49:57,453
Ooh, that's hot!
723
00:49:58,495 --> 00:50:01,487
Come to papa, Sugar Bush!
724
00:50:02,065 --> 00:50:05,193
Oh-oh! We got us a problem here.
725
00:50:05,903 --> 00:50:08,872
I don't think you sugar,
because that sure ain't no bush.
726
00:50:09,373 --> 00:50:11,432
Gotcha.
727
00:50:16,413 --> 00:50:19,382
Well, I hope you get a refund from the rabbi.
728
00:50:28,058 --> 00:50:30,083
Still your turn, Rex.
729
00:50:34,431 --> 00:50:37,366
What's, uh... what's that little transaction there?
What do you keep handing her?
730
00:50:37,401 --> 00:50:39,335
Oh, just makin' some extra cash.
731
00:50:39,436 --> 00:50:42,496
- Extra cash?
- Yeah, I sell my Percocet and Vicodin.
732
00:50:43,473 --> 00:50:45,338
You're a drug dealer?
733
00:50:45,375 --> 00:50:49,402
No, I'm not a drug dealer, I just sell drugs
people want to buy. That's all.
734
00:50:50,514 --> 00:50:55,315
- You guys are really not what I expected.
- It's a good way to help pay some of the bills.
735
00:50:55,385 --> 00:50:58,479
Since they legalized medicinal marijuana,
been a windfall for us.
736
00:50:58,956 --> 00:51:01,083
- So you're a drug dealer too?
- I'm not a drug dealer.
737
00:51:01,491 --> 00:51:06,428
You just go to the doctor and you say "Oh,
Doc, I have terrible migraines this week."
738
00:51:06,496 --> 00:51:11,297
And then next thing you know you got 500
bucks in ganja and Medicare covers the bill.
739
00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,234
Your tax dollars at work.
740
00:51:13,303 --> 00:51:15,872
- See that dried-up prune over there?
- Yes.
741
00:51:15,939 --> 00:51:18,874
She's been screwin' his brains out for months,
just for his drugs!
742
00:51:19,342 --> 00:51:20,810
That's not his granddaughter?
743
00:51:20,945 --> 00:51:24,076
Uh-uh... She found him on Craigslist.
744
00:51:25,015 --> 00:51:25,982
That's pretty sad!
745
00:51:26,083 --> 00:51:27,072
Not for him.
746
00:51:27,951 --> 00:51:28,918
So what did you expect?
747
00:51:29,152 --> 00:51:30,817
What do you mean?
748
00:51:30,854 --> 00:51:33,948
I mean, since we're not what you expected,
then what did you expect?
749
00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:36,783
- Oh, uh, I don't know...
- Don't be a pussy now,
750
00:51:36,860 --> 00:51:42,093
- Well, I guess I thought you'd be...
- Sitting around, waiting to die?
751
00:51:42,900 --> 00:51:44,959
Yeah, sort of...
752
00:51:45,002 --> 00:51:47,869
Depressed, decrepit and useless?
753
00:51:48,906 --> 00:51:49,998
A little, maybe...
754
00:51:50,074 --> 00:51:52,042
Angry, bitter, and rude?
755
00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:55,173
All right, look. I admit, I was
buyin' into a stereotype, forgive me,
756
00:51:55,245 --> 00:52:00,179
but... let's face it, there's a lot of stuff
you guys just can't do like you used to...
757
00:52:00,217 --> 00:52:04,119
and Rex, he wouldn't remember to eat lunch
if it wasn't written down on a note somewhere.
758
00:52:06,890 --> 00:52:07,857
That's true,
759
00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:12,628
but I bet you any one of us here
is more content with his life
760
00:52:12,930 --> 00:52:14,090
than you are.
761
00:52:22,940 --> 00:52:24,905
Percocet?
762
00:52:28,245 --> 00:52:31,305
- Hey Sandy, only two today.
- Oh, good!
763
00:52:31,849 --> 00:52:34,010
It's here! It's here!
764
00:52:34,084 --> 00:52:37,918
Ruth? I've never seen
you so excited before!
765
00:52:38,021 --> 00:52:40,990
Oh, it's it! It's the DVD!
766
00:52:41,058 --> 00:52:43,891
It's here!
767
00:52:43,961 --> 00:52:47,988
Oh, baby! I've been waiting for you!
768
00:52:52,970 --> 00:52:55,029
Virgin territory!
769
00:52:55,139 --> 00:52:58,973
Excuse me ma'am, may help carry
your package to your room?
770
00:52:59,042 --> 00:53:04,105
Honey, you can carry mine,
if I can carry yours!
771
00:53:22,966 --> 00:53:24,900
Looking sharp there, Victor!
772
00:53:25,002 --> 00:53:27,095
- Nice hat.
- Thank you.
773
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:34,909
- Oh, um... where's Rex!?
- Yes, where is Rex?
774
00:53:43,887 --> 00:53:46,048
And the music's even shittier than last year!
775
00:53:46,256 --> 00:53:48,923
Any hot bitches around?
Ow!
776
00:53:49,092 --> 00:53:51,959
- Josephine...
- She's married!
777
00:53:51,995 --> 00:53:52,962
Buford dies last month!
778
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:54,052
Really!
779
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:55,887
Pay up!
780
00:53:57,901 --> 00:53:58,925
Take it!
781
00:54:00,337 --> 00:54:03,033
So she's on the rebound, eh?
782
00:54:03,106 --> 00:54:05,165
Oh, she's on the ultimate rebound.
783
00:54:05,475 --> 00:54:08,142
I'll have to tap that ass!
784
00:54:08,211 --> 00:54:11,305
Give her my number!
785
00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:21,316
Thanks everyone for joining us for
our sixth annual Moonlight Hootenanny!
786
00:54:22,092 --> 00:54:25,289
This year's theme will incorporate
our "Going Green" initiative,
787
00:54:25,796 --> 00:54:28,993
there'll be a lot of special editions and
exciting changes in the coming weeks.
788
00:54:30,067 --> 00:54:31,329
I wanna give a shout-out to Edith
789
00:54:31,769 --> 00:54:34,162
for providing tonight's exciting ear candy,
790
00:54:34,237 --> 00:54:39,174
and remind everyone of our special
"Ladies' Choice Dance," so...
791
00:54:39,242 --> 00:54:41,301
without further ado,
792
00:54:42,312 --> 00:54:45,145
Now... it's a party!
793
00:54:45,215 --> 00:54:47,240
What is with the shit-eating grin?
794
00:54:48,350 --> 00:54:51,786
Things are gonna start
looking up around here!
795
00:54:52,189 --> 00:54:54,350
♪ I'm too sexy for my love ♪
796
00:54:54,375 --> 00:54:59,275
♪ Too sexy for my love ♪
♪ Love's going to leave me ♪
797
00:55:15,512 --> 00:55:17,873
♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt ♪
798
00:55:17,898 --> 00:55:22,898
♪ Too sexy for my shirt ♪
♪ So sexy it hurts ♪
799
00:55:23,259 --> 00:55:25,623
♪ I'm too sexy for Milan ♪
800
00:55:25,648 --> 00:55:30,648
♪ Too sexy for Milan ♪
♪ New York and Japan ♪
801
00:55:38,771 --> 00:55:41,571
♪ I'm too sexy for your party ♪
802
00:55:41,796 --> 00:55:46,071
♪ Too sexy for your party ♪
♪ The way I'm disco dancing ♪
803
00:55:46,806 --> 00:55:49,996
♪ I'm a model ♪
♪ You know what I mean ♪
804
00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:53,621
♪ And I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪
805
00:55:53,846 --> 00:55:58,146
♪ Yeah, on the catwalk ♪
♪ On the catwalk, yeah ♪
806
00:55:58,171 --> 00:56:01,671
♪ I do my little turn on the catwalk ♪
807
00:56:11,134 --> 00:56:12,362
Oh! I think I'm stuck!
808
00:57:20,721 --> 00:57:23,651
Hey, hey... I got the munchies.
809
00:57:24,540 --> 00:57:27,566
Let's find Rex and get
the hell out of here!
810
00:57:51,288 --> 00:57:55,264
♪ Face down, ass up ♪
♪ That's the way we like to fuck ♪
811
00:57:58,911 --> 00:58:02,811
♪ Face down, ass up ♪
♪ That's the way we like to fuck ♪
812
00:58:03,036 --> 00:58:04,617
♪ I'm lookin' for a bitch to spend the night ♪
813
00:58:04,642 --> 00:58:06,520
♪ Do the crazy thing while I fuck all night ♪
814
00:58:06,545 --> 00:58:08,209
♪ I make her do things like nothing before ♪
815
00:58:08,234 --> 00:58:10,184
♪ And when I'm done, she'll always be sore ♪
816
00:58:10,209 --> 00:58:11,512
♪ From the things I do when I'm fuckin' ♪
817
00:58:11,870 --> 00:58:13,892
♪ And when I'm tired, the bitches start suckin' ♪
818
00:58:13,917 --> 00:58:15,641
♪ I double team with a friend of mine ♪
819
00:58:15,666 --> 00:58:17,513
♪ Luke's in front and I'm behind ♪
820
00:58:17,538 --> 00:58:19,307
♪ Just ridin' you like a pony ♪
821
00:58:19,332 --> 00:58:21,521
♪ While you suck my dick, makin' me horny ♪
822
00:58:21,546 --> 00:58:23,246
♪ Then all of a sudden we'll switch positions ♪
823
00:58:23,271 --> 00:58:25,080
♪ Prop your ass up and freak the pushin' ♪
824
00:58:25,105 --> 00:58:26,942
♪ And when I cum, you'll hear me roar ♪
825
00:58:26,967 --> 00:58:28,533
♪ I'll treat any bitch like a whore ♪
826
00:58:28,558 --> 00:58:30,611
♪ 'Cause it's the way I like to fuck ♪
827
00:58:30,636 --> 00:58:33,026
♪ It's face down and ass up! ♪
828
00:58:33,309 --> 00:58:36,035
(indistinct)
829
00:58:36,213 --> 00:58:37,913
Fuck that burger!
830
00:58:43,150 --> 00:58:44,509
Fuck!
831
00:58:44,587 --> 00:58:45,645
It's the cops!
832
00:58:45,722 --> 00:58:49,419
Everybody run!
833
00:58:57,700 --> 00:59:00,567
Driver's license, registration,
and proof of insurance.
834
00:59:01,671 --> 00:59:02,695
Turn the camera off!
835
00:59:03,606 --> 00:59:05,540
- J? Is that you?
- Hi, Kev.
836
00:59:05,608 --> 00:59:07,576
- Doin' some research.
- No problem.
837
00:59:11,714 --> 00:59:13,648
Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
838
00:59:14,751 --> 00:59:16,582
I don't think so.
839
00:59:16,652 --> 00:59:20,588
It was my turn to be the designated driver.
840
00:59:20,690 --> 00:59:23,682
- Right guys?
- Yes, yes! - Yeah.
841
00:59:23,707 --> 00:59:26,707
Face down, ass up
That's the way I like to fuck
842
00:59:27,597 --> 00:59:28,689
Turn the music off!
843
00:59:29,465 --> 00:59:32,457
Always pulling over the black guy!
844
00:59:35,205 --> 00:59:36,263
Get out of the car, sir.
845
00:59:36,639 --> 00:59:41,541
Okay sir, I'm gonna administer some tests to find out
if you're too impaired to operate a motor vehicle.
846
00:59:42,212 --> 00:59:46,408
The first thing I want you to
do is take your index finger,
847
00:59:46,482 --> 00:59:50,316
tilt your head back, and touch the tip
of your finger to the tip of your nose,
848
00:59:50,586 --> 00:59:52,679
in this manner, and alternate.
849
01:00:00,630 --> 01:00:01,995
Okay, next...
850
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:05,966
I want you to count
backwards from 78 to 69.
851
01:00:06,536 --> 01:00:07,696
69...
852
01:00:08,504 --> 01:00:09,732
70!
853
01:00:10,473 --> 01:00:12,498
72 ..
854
01:00:12,608 --> 01:00:14,701
73 ..
855
01:00:15,611 --> 01:00:17,442
Okay. Okay, we're almost done.
856
01:00:17,547 --> 01:00:19,839
I want you to walk a straight line,
857
01:00:19,916 --> 01:00:22,749
now I want you to do it
heel-to-toe, just like this...
858
01:00:25,688 --> 01:00:27,051
Then turn around,
859
01:00:27,123 --> 01:00:28,055
and walk back.
860
01:00:37,066 --> 01:00:40,092
Uh, Sir! Sir, sir, sir, sir!
861
01:00:40,370 --> 01:00:43,430
Based on my observations,
I believe you've had too much to drink.
862
01:00:43,706 --> 01:00:45,503
Have I?
863
01:00:45,575 --> 01:00:50,444
This is a breathalyzer. I want you to blow
into the breathalyzer until I say stop.
864
01:00:55,151 --> 01:00:56,118
- There.
- Here...
865
01:00:57,453 --> 01:01:05,622
Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!
Blow! Blow Blow! Blow! Blow Blow!
866
01:01:05,695 --> 01:01:07,720
And stop.
867
01:01:13,703 --> 01:01:15,667
I'll be! You're clean.
868
01:01:15,839 --> 01:01:16,931
Told you.
869
01:01:17,740 --> 01:01:21,540
Look, you're free to go,
but, will you speed up?
870
01:01:26,749 --> 01:01:29,650
Say... thanks for lettin' me drive.
871
01:01:30,253 --> 01:01:31,481
I always wanted to do that.
872
01:01:33,723 --> 01:01:35,588
That was you?
873
01:01:36,726 --> 01:01:40,457
Now, time for a booty call.
874
01:01:41,731 --> 01:01:46,725
This is Ruth! Oh, I'm so sorry,
I can't come to the phone right now.
875
01:01:46,870 --> 01:01:49,737
I learned how to give a great BJ.
876
01:01:50,606 --> 01:01:52,631
Oh, yeah.
877
01:01:58,581 --> 01:02:00,549
I feel like shit.
878
01:02:01,717 --> 01:02:03,685
That's disgusting!
879
01:02:14,330 --> 01:02:17,458
These fuckin' low-flow
toilets don't flush a thing.
880
01:02:18,067 --> 01:02:19,261
I'm too old for this shit!
881
01:02:20,136 --> 01:02:21,398
I'm gonna stop drinking for good.
882
01:02:22,071 --> 01:02:23,197
I mean it this time.
883
01:02:30,246 --> 01:02:33,215
Well, like they say down south...
884
01:02:33,983 --> 01:02:35,377
We gonna see y'all now, hear?
885
01:03:26,169 --> 01:03:27,758
You guys sure know how to party.
886
01:03:28,037 --> 01:03:30,028
Oh-ho! You should've seen Victor.
887
01:03:30,273 --> 01:03:33,174
I thought I was gonna die last night.
888
01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:39,080
You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys.
Are you afraid of dying?
889
01:03:39,148 --> 01:03:41,207
- Nah.
- I'm not afraid of dying.
890
01:03:41,317 --> 01:03:43,251
I'm afraid of outliving my money.
891
01:03:44,187 --> 01:03:46,178
I can afford to live about six more years.
892
01:03:46,289 --> 01:03:48,223
I can afford about five.
893
01:03:48,291 --> 01:03:49,280
And then what?
894
01:03:53,129 --> 01:03:57,156
But... but the idea of death itself,
you don't, you don't find that scary?
895
01:03:58,234 --> 01:04:00,031
- Nah.
- Oh, hell no!
896
01:04:00,269 --> 01:04:02,134
In fact...
897
01:04:02,271 --> 01:04:04,136
we got a death pool.
898
01:04:05,041 --> 01:04:06,167
A death pool?!
899
01:04:06,242 --> 01:04:08,073
Yeah, see?
900
01:04:08,244 --> 01:04:10,303
You pick who you think is next to die.
901
01:04:11,114 --> 01:04:13,048
If you're right, you win.
902
01:04:13,216 --> 01:04:15,116
What if two guys pick the
same person to die?
903
01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:20,212
Well then, we use cause of death.
Heart attack, stroke...
904
01:04:20,323 --> 01:04:22,314
See? Whoever gets the closest.
905
01:04:23,126 --> 01:04:26,186
Don't some people find the idea of
a "death pool" a little offensive?
906
01:04:26,262 --> 01:04:29,163
Well, you don't have to play if you
don't want to, but most everyone does.
907
01:04:29,298 --> 01:04:32,028
Some that do,
I won 100 bucks last month.
908
01:04:32,268 --> 01:04:35,169
- He got lucky with Wilber.
- That wasn't luck.
909
01:04:35,271 --> 01:04:37,330
I was watchin' him, he'd
been coughing for weeks.
910
01:04:38,074 --> 01:04:40,269
You don't mess around with
pneumonia at this age.
911
01:04:41,110 --> 01:04:42,270
Good riddance.
912
01:04:43,046 --> 01:04:47,278
- Good riddance? Come on, the poor guy's dead.
- Just because he's dead doesn't mean he...
913
01:04:47,451 --> 01:04:49,476
wasn't an asshole when he was alive.
914
01:04:51,254 --> 01:04:53,188
So, Bernard, who do
you have next to go?
915
01:04:53,222 --> 01:04:54,947
- Victor.
- Victor?!
916
01:04:54,972 --> 01:04:56,291
Oh, yeah.
917
01:04:56,292 --> 01:04:57,316
Well that's messed up!
918
01:04:58,294 --> 01:05:00,091
How the hell do you have me going?
919
01:05:00,196 --> 01:05:02,221
O.D., drug overdose.
920
01:05:02,331 --> 01:05:05,198
Well then, I'm changing my pick to you.
921
01:05:05,301 --> 01:05:08,168
You'll either get hit by a bus or
drown in the pool.
922
01:05:08,304 --> 01:05:10,204
I'll decide later.
923
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:12,832
All right, so listen, uh...
924
01:05:13,076 --> 01:05:15,237
tomorrow, tomorrow night!
Is the big talent show.
925
01:05:15,311 --> 01:05:16,300
You guys ready?
926
01:05:17,213 --> 01:05:19,113
Ready as I'll ever be.
927
01:05:19,215 --> 01:05:20,773
I've been practicing for weeks.
928
01:05:21,084 --> 01:05:24,019
I'm tellin' you, nobody
stands a chance against me.
929
01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:26,713
Oh, I don't know. From what I've
heard, you may have some stiff competition.
930
01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:30,116
Well that ain't the only
thing stiff around here.
931
01:05:32,095 --> 01:05:33,289
Where the hell's my phone?
932
01:05:34,163 --> 01:05:37,030
I'm always losing the damn
thing when I'm drunk.
933
01:05:40,203 --> 01:05:43,138
So, these old geezers have
a lot of life left in 'em.
934
01:05:43,239 --> 01:05:45,632
I don't know, maybe getting old
isn't the worst thing in the world.
935
01:05:46,275 --> 01:05:49,176
Beats the alternative, as they say.
936
01:06:10,066 --> 01:06:11,328
Nancy Gaye Nursing Home...
937
01:06:12,034 --> 01:06:15,094
Hi, can you please connect
me with Pat Kimball's room?
938
01:06:25,348 --> 01:06:29,079
Boys, I'd like you to meet my Mom.
939
01:06:31,187 --> 01:06:33,087
She's hot.
940
01:07:13,829 --> 01:07:19,289
I know everyone has been diligently rehearsing
their numbers and is ready to show you their stuff!
941
01:07:19,468 --> 01:07:21,493
Get on with it!
942
01:08:32,141 --> 01:08:34,041
Cut! Cut!
Cut it now!
943
01:08:34,110 --> 01:08:37,045
- That was good! Uh, Pete, did you get that?
- Yeah, I got it.
944
01:08:37,113 --> 01:08:40,082
Okay, then print it. Nice job!
It's a wrap!
945
01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:46,412
Cut! That...
It sucked.
946
01:08:46,521 --> 01:08:49,856
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
It sucks. It's...
947
01:08:49,958 --> 01:08:53,017
I wouldn't use this...
as fill in a porno.
948
01:08:53,129 --> 01:08:59,227
Cut! Cut! Cut!
One word review: shit sandwich.
949
01:09:00,202 --> 01:09:05,230
Cut! Cut! It's just... they're...
you're not... the whole thing is it's...
950
01:09:07,076 --> 01:09:08,236
it's no good.
951
01:13:58,129 --> 01:14:00,157
A woman goes to a gynecologist.
952
01:14:00,482 --> 01:14:05,141
She says, "Doctor, I can't find my pussy cat!"
953
01:14:05,166 --> 01:14:08,761
The doctor says, "..."
954
01:14:11,986 --> 01:14:17,213
Guy comes home, and he says, "Honey! Honey!
Pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"
955
01:14:18,238 --> 01:14:20,238
"Where are we going?"
956
01:14:20,263 --> 01:14:23,363
"I don't care! Just get the fuck out!"73650
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