Original subtitles

Come on.

Where are you?

Oh, good cat.

Here we go.

Mildred, do you want something to eat?

Mum, be quiet.

What, I can't hear you?

Can you make me some toast?

Sure.

And I know just how you like them.

Razor-sharp triangles, no crusts?

Yeah, that's right.

One more thing, Mildred.

What? I'm in the middle of something here.

What are the magic words?

Please.

Well, that's a magic word, singular.

I want the magic words, plural.

Mum, I'm trying to catch Jonesie

in an intricate home-made trap.

Can this wait?

Sorry, why in the name of buggery

are you trying to catch our poor, sweet, innocent cat?

- Practice. - For?

For the Panthera Pardus

that's been haunting our wilderness, of late.

You may know him by his nom de plume,

The Canterbury Panther.

Panthera Pardus, nom de...

- Nom de plume. - Nom de plume.

You sure do know a crap ton of words,

don't you, my girl?

I'm a card-carrying bookworm, so...

Yes, I sure do know a crap ton of words.

Mmm...

But do you know the magic words?

Mum!

Oh, come on, just say them,

and I'll go and get your toast triangles.

I... love... you.

Go on...

With... all...

of my...

heart.

Was that so difficult?

Yes, actually, yes.

It was.

Ha!

Yes, there we go, puss.

That's it.

Yes.

Come on, Jonesie.

And...

Dinner is served.

Ah!

Jonesie?

Psh.

Great!

Mum?

If you sneak up on me again, I will pee myself.

And you're gonna have to clean it up.

Mum?

Mum?

Mum!

I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

The bad news is you're gonna need a new toaster.

Okay, that one's kaput.

The good news is you're not gonna need a new mum.

Yay.

Hey, your toaster exploded.

I don't know what the odds are of that happening.

But you know the button you push

when you start the toasting process?

Well, that button was faulty.

And it gave your mum quite the shock,

her body went all... jelly-like,

and she flew backwards, and then her head hit the bench,

and then she fell into a coma.

A coma?

Yeah, well, she's not dead.

Okay, so don't worry about that.

But she's not fully alive, either.

She's in this wonderful dreamlike netherworld.

I know what a coma is.

Will she be okay?

Well, you listen to me carefully,

okay, Mildred?

I'm not talking to you as a doctor would to a child.

Alright? I'm talking this soul...

to soul.

Will she be okay, yes or no?

Well ye— Yes.

But she has what's called a brain bleed.

Okay? So we're gonna need to keep her in here

for at least a week,

until she stabilizes.

A week?

No— She was supposed to take me camping tomorrow.

I had it all worked out.

She finally took some time off work. She promised.

The camping's gonna have to wait,

I'm afraid, Mildred.

But first things first.

Where's your dad?

Hello.

I'm Strawn. Strawn Wise.

Mildred's biological father.

The magician.

Illusionist.

Magician sounds...

cheap.

- Can I come in? - Can I see some ID?

ID?

Yeah. It stands for Identification Document.

I would love to show you some ID, but there's a problem.

You see, you actually have it.

- I have it? - That's right.

What'd ya mean, mate?

You have my ID.

I do? Where?

Just...

I have to say.

Normally, I find magicians skin-crawlingly embarrassing,

but you're actually half decent.

Access granted.

Oh, look, mate, just so you know,

I didn't hug the girl.

Even though Lord knows she needs one.

I'm sorry, what?

Your daughter.

I specifically didn't hug her.

Why?

I've heard so many horror stories, okay?

You can't be too careful

with other people's kids these days... Touching them and...

Even hugs are a no-go.

Yeah, I... I guess so.

Right. I'm off. Take care of the girl.

She's in there, glued to a book, as always.

I'm next door on the right if you need anything.

- Yeah, thanks. - Okay.

- Hmm? - No.

Mildred, it's me. Strawn. Your dad.

I just flew halfway across the world

to be with you, little lady.

And I'm sorry about your mom, but she's gonna be okay.

It's official.

A licensed medical professional has officially told you

she's officially going to be okay?

Is that what you mean by "official"?

Well... no, I... I mean,

she's gonna be okay.

I'm sure.

Pretty sure.

Hey, do you want to see something amazing?

I said, do you want to see something amazing?

Will it take a long time?

- No. - Fine.

Show me something amazing.

Go on. Pick a card.

Now, look at it.

Don't tell me what it is.

Put it back in the deck.

Alright.

Is this your card?

No.

Sorry.

It sounded like you said, "No."

It sounded like I said no because I did indeed say, "No."

Okay.

- Is this your card? - I'm afraid it's not.

Okay.

Is that your card?

I can lie and say, "Yes," if it helps.

- This? - No. Sorry.

- This? - No.

- This? - Look, it's okay—

- God damn it. - Wait!

Now... Kindly, remove your jaw from the floor and tell me.

Is that your card?

Right.

Before I get to whether that is or isn't my card,

lemme get one thing straight.

Yeah. What's that?

Am I right in assuming

that you snuck around to the back garden

to glue that card to the window

before scrambling back around to ring the front doorbell?

No.

It's... It's called magic.

I use the power of magic.

Did you or did you not?

Come on. I won't be angry with you.

I just... want you to tell me the truth.

Fine. Yeah, uh, yeah, okay.

But that is your card.

Right?

Wrong.

It is your card.

It... is... not... my... card.

- Of course, it is. - Fine.

I give up. It's my card.

Bravo, well done. Spectacular magic trick.

Are you being sarcastic?

Hm.

Um, how about you show me your room?

I can't say I spend much time

in 11-year-old girls' bedrooms,

but this isn't what I expected.

What did you expect?

A pink doll house?

Pictures of palaces and unicorns and princesses?

Basically.

What was on your walls when you were 11?

A lot of David Copperfield posters.

You like David Copperfield?

Like? More like love.

Same.

I'm borderline obsessed to tell the truth.

David Copperfield was my life growing up.

Okay. So, we have something in common.

It is a good start.

Yeah.

Really good start.

What are the odds of us having the exact same favorite book?

Oh, no. I... I'm talking about

David Copperfield, the illusionist from the 1990s?

Oh.

I am talking about David Copperfield,

the Charles Dickens novel from the 1840s.

Oh, I don't know what that is.

Guess we don't have

anything in common, after all.

What's this?

This...

is the Canterbury Panther.

You could say it's our version of Bigfoot.

There's been sightings for decades,

but no one's ever caught definitive proof.

So, they're offering 50,000

for actual video evidence of its existence.

I... I don't really know New Zealand money yet.

Is that a lot?

Yes. It's a lot of money.

Money Mum and I could really use right now.

She was supposed to take me camping to search for it.

Oh, well.

I mean...

I could take you. Maybe?

Really?

Sure.

Might help to take your mind off of everything with your mum.

I mean, I don't know the first thing about camping.

I've never been, but, you know, maybe we could go.

Just... quickly?

Are you sure?

Ah, you know, now that I think of it,

I... I don't think it's such a good idea.

We leave at first light.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, stick with me. It'll be fine.

You know where you're going, right?

Hey!

Hello!

Hey there!

Hey!

I know you.

You're Strawn Wise.

The magician, right?

Illusionist. But, yes.

I just knew it was you.

And who's this cute little nipper?

That is my biological daughter, Mildred.

Biological daughter. Is she?

Hi there, Mildred. I'm Reginald.

You look like a Reginald.

That name suits you.

You have a perfect name-to-face correspondence.

I used to watch your show on the telly.

Oh! Thanks.

Thank you. That really means a lot.

Yeah. I used to watch after my night shift.

It was on at 4:00 am.

Real prime-time stuff, then.

It's such a shame we don't get it here anymore.

Nobody gets it anymore.

- What? - It's no longer running

here or anywhere.

It was cancelled.

Halfway through the first season, actually, so...

Yeah, I... I don't have a show anymore.

Oh.

I guess the other guy

sort of hijacked the spotlight a little bit.

Is that fair to say?

Who? David?

Yeah, yeah.

Never liked him, myself.

Seamed up his own arse, from the looks of it.

Oh.

Thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

Can you still levitate?

I certainly can.

What are you waiting for? Go on.

What?

Now? Here?

Yeah! Go on, Strawn.

Levitate for an old fan.

Is levitation a lengthy process?

I'm asking because we've got a lot of ground to cover today.

Okay!

I can feel the power, specifically in my feet.

I'm talking about the power of levitation, specifically.

Oh.

Oh, that's mad.

Ah, is this actually happening?

I don't— He's actually bloody levitating.

Yeah, no.

He's not levitating.

What do you mean?

He's put all his weight on the ball of one foot

while lifting both heels off the ground,

thus creating the illusion of levitation

from your vantage point.

Oh, yeah. You were right.

Cheers, Strawn.

Cheers for single-handedly destroying

my belief in the power of magic.

Much appreciated, bruv.

Do you want an autograph?

Yeah, go on.

You didn't have to, you know,

shatter the illusion back there.

You were conning him with fake magic.

It was painful to watch.

What?

You'll have to pardon my bluntness.

I'm what's commonly referred to as a "brutal realist".

A brutal realist who actually believes

there's a real giant panther out here.

Panthers exist. Levitation doesn't.

That's the long and short of it, I'm afraid.

Keep going.

Peanut butter and jelly.

What do you think?

Old Strawn's got some sandwich-making skills?

Must be an American delicacy.

Can't say I'm a fan, myself,

but calories are calories,

and they're in short supply out here.

You know, you don't talk like a...

Like a normal child?

I know.

I wasn't going to put it that way, exactly.

But, yeah.

My point is, you don't have to dress everything up

to sound more sophisticated than you are.

Yeah, says the magician

who insists on being called an illusionist.

I mean—

So, how you finding school?

Are you having a hard time?

Why would I be having a hard time, Strawn?

- No, no, I didn't mean any— - If you must know,

I'm top of my class.

Straight A's all the way.

I'm captain of the netball team, and...

believe it or not, I was officially voted

The Most Popular Girl In School last winter.

Wow.

My boyfriend, Clarence, Clarence Hargreaves,

is the dreamiest guy in the entire school.

He looks like Hercules

and his hair smells like apricot jam.

A hard... "A hard time"?

I have a hard time staying away from the place.

School is like heaven for me,

academically, athletically and socially.

What, really?

No, not really.

I despise school, and everyone in it.

We're hemorrhaging daylight

faster than I'm comfortable with.

Let's pick up the pace, shall we?

What are the chances of a mythical panther

popping up here?

Jesus!

- Do you think— - Yes.

Yes, I do.

One false move out here, and...

that could be us.

He's here. He's here and he's watching us.

Oh, God.

Oh... sorry.

Not so mythical now, is it?

Huh-uh.

Come on.

Strawn!

Strawn?

Having fun?

Soaking it all in, aren't we?

Do you want me to help?

I thought you'd never ask.

What can I do?

You could start a fire.

How does one... do that?

I'd give you a tutorial, but...

at present,

I'm kinda in the middle of putting up our bloody tent.

I have an idea.

H... How did you—

It's called magic.

Actually, it's called a thumb flint.

An essential weapon in any illusionist's arsenal.

I just realized that I only brought one.

So...

How's your mom doing?

She's in an induced coma,

hovering between life and death.

Thanks for asking.

No, I mean, apart from the whole coma thing.

Just generally, how was she?

She talks too much, works too much,

and has terrible taste in men.

No offense.

She means well, though.

She tries her best,

but you could say she's struggling.

I... I don't—

Her sister, my aunt,

is afflicted with the old, substance-abuse nonsense.

No, it's not fair.

It's not nonsense. It's a disease.

Anyway, Mum took out a whole bunch of loans

to put her through rehab.

Now...

She's deep in the hole.

Fifty-thousand-deep.

Jesus.

Why'd you think I'm on the hunt for this panther?

The reward is 50k, for a video of the thing.

Problem solved, right?

Mum will be off the hook

and not having to juggle three stupid jobs.

Plus, you know...

I do really want to see a great, big, giant panther.

Mm.

Right.

I don't know about you, but I am bloody zonked.

Before we go in,

can I make one thing

perfectly clear?

What's that?

I know you have a belly full of beans.

But this tent...

is a fart-free zone.

Clear?

Clear.

I'm sorry things never worked out with your mom.

I did ask her to stay with me in Vegas

when she told me she was...

When you...

When she was pregnant, you know.

I did offer,

but... she wanted to stay here.

I don't want you to think that I... I didn't want you

or anything like that.

It's just...

It's a lot.

I only met your mom once,

for a couple of hours.

It's such a complicated situation.

You're not the average child, so...

I feel like I can say...

Good night, Mildred.

You're not really asleep, are you?

Good night, Strawn.

I'm so sorry.

Hm...

Jesus.

What? What is it?

I heard a creepy sound.

Am I still dreaming

or did a 42-year-old man

really just wake up an 11-year-old girl

to tell her that he heard a creepy sound in the night.

I'm sorry.

Never mind.

Go back to sleep.

- Good morning, Strawn. - Yeah.

Sleep well?

Not really.

My stomach feels weird and bubbly.

I know. I'm super excited, too.

Get some caffeine in you and let's move.

You know...

You can call me "Dad."

Why would I do that?

Most daughters call their dads "Dad."

Most daughters see their dads more than once a decade.

Maybe one day, you'll actually call me dad.

And maybe one day,

you'll actually do a magic trick that impresses me.

What is it?

We're gonna have to find shelter.

It's gonna rain very heavily and very soon.

What? The sky looks fine.

What's missing?

- Clouds? - Birds, Strawn.

They make themselves scarce before a good old downpour.

I think you're mistaken.

I'm pretty confident that it's not gonna rain.

So, do you go camping a lot?

This is my first time.

What?

I've always asked Mum to take me,

but, you know what she's like.

Actually, you don't.

I forgot.

She's got me wrapped in cotton wool.

And bubble wrap.

Barely even lets me play in the backyard.

Still wants to walk me to school, you know.

Does wonders for my social life, as you can imagine.

Does she ever talk about me...

Why would she do that?

She's gonna be okay, you know.

She's in good hands.

It's... It's alright...

to be scared.

It's normal.

So...

what does the average working day

for an illusionist look like?

Well, um, I do appearances.

Parties.

Actually, last week,

I just did a major celebrity's birthday party.

Wow.

You know, you could try being a little bit more respectful.

I'm sure I could.

I just can't promise I will.

I work hard, you know, providing for you and your mom.

Levitation and card tricks?

Back-breaking stuff, I'm sure.

What I do is both

physically and mentally exhausting.

My wrist strength is equivalent

to that of a professional wrestler.

You think it's easy, making a hundred balloon animals

for Vin Diesel's kids?

Balloon animals.

And they say air traffic controllers have stressful jobs.

And what the hell is a Vin Diesel?

Only the lead of the greatest franchise in film history.

Well, anyway, whatever,

people need magic in their lives.

I'm doing my best.

I'm doing my best not to punch you in the goolies.

What did I ever do to you? Huh?

Why are you angry with me? Wha... What is this?

Oh, you really want to have this conversation,

right here, right now?

Um...

I don't know.

No. Maybe not.

Yeah, let's not...

- What? - Don't move.

Stay completely still.

Is this just a trick so you can punch me in the "goolies"?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Strawn, listen to me.

Do not, I repeat, do not move.

- It's the— - Panther.

It's the panther.

What do we... what do we do?

Shh.

Just be quiet.

- Panthers kill people. - I said be quiet.

Well, why wouldn't it kill us?

Because, A, it hasn't seen us yet.

And B, we're going to stay very still,

very quiet and very calm.

That's not good, is it?

- Umm. - Do we run?

Think you can outrun a panther?

I don't know. Can I?

No, Strawn. No, you can't.

At least, there's water between us.

Cats hate water, right?

Panthers are exceptional swimmers, actually.

- And what do we do? - We stay still.

We don't move and we don't make a sound.

Mum, if you can hear me, it's going to be okay.

I promise.

P.S. I love you with all of my heart.

There. Happy?

Mildred...

Did you get the footage?

I got it. I got the bugger.

How are you holding up?

That was... a close encounter.

Of the fifty-thousandth kind.

Mildred, look.

Sorry.

For being an absent father?

What? No, I... I mean, for doubting you

about the panther.

And for the whole absent-father thing, too.

Sorry for that.

Yeah, and I'm sorry about

threatening to punch you in the goolies.

It was rude and uncalled for.

And pretty Freudian, when you think about it.

Uh, not to change the subject,

but you're getting eaten alive.

You know, most people just squash the buggers.

Yeah, not... not me. I'm not a murderer.

Uh, always used to make me feel guilty as a kid, killing bugs.

Made me sad

thinking about their babies wondering where they went.

- What? - Don't move.

What?

You've got a weta on your shoulder.

- What, a weta? - A weta.

God, what the hell is that?

What the hell is that?

Think its babies will wonder where it went?

Mum said you used to be on telly.

You were some big-shot magician.

But then another big-shot magician came along

and you became a small-shot magician.

Oh. David Blaine.

We used to be friends.

Until he stabbed me in the back.

He stabbed me and he stabbed me.

And he stabbed me.

We met doing illusions in the streets of New York.

Became inseparable.

He was like a big brother to me.

We both landed our own TV shows.

Him first, then me.

His show was called Street Magic.

Mine was called Twizted Illusions.

The "s" and Twizted was a "z".

Twizted?

One day, we were riding through Central Park

in a horse-drawn carriage.

We were both wearing burgundy velvet shorts.

I told him I had a series of TV specials planned.

I had the whole thing worked out.

I talked him through it.

"I'll be buried alive for a week in Central Park."

The very park we were riding through.

"Then I would be frozen in the block of ice for 72 hours."

"Next, I would stand on top of a tall pillar for 35 hours."

He just laughed at me.

Said I was crazy.

"Nobody could pull off one of these stunts,

let alone all three."

And then, the greasy little worm

goes and pitches my ideas,

like they're his own.

Signs a... a contract worth millions

and starts ignoring my calls.

So, I go and confront the bastard.

He's at this shark-themed bar in Vegas.

He's there with all his new showbiz buddies.

A few names you may have heard of.

DiCaprio, Maguire, Faustino, Haas, Tip.

As in Q-Tip.

- The celebrated rapper. - Okay.

They're all wearing backwards baseball caps.

And these black baggy suits with one pant leg rolled up.

Like an inside joke, or a ritual, or something.

Anyway, I... I go to talk to David.

You know, ask him, why he did that to me,

after everything we've been through.

You know what he did?

He just smiles at me,

and slowly poured his drink over my head.

And then, they all just start barking at me.

Like dogs.

Barking. Barking.

And barking.

And David was barking the loudest.

His face was all red and sweaty.

His lips were turning blue.

It's like he was having a seizure or something.

And what did you do?

What I always do when I see something scary.

Ran away.

As fast as I could, as far as I could.

Next thing I know,

I'm in the desert, on my knees, throwing up.

I can see little pieces of squid tentacle in my vomit.

It's the last thing I remember.

The next few months are kind of a blur.

Anyway, I...

moved back in with my mom for a while.

I just couldn't do much.

A year later, I...

I started...

piecing things back together again.

You know, card tricks on the streets,

booking gigs, parties.

And somewhere in the middle of all of this,

you met my mum.

I met your mom.

Yeah.

I found her secret diary once.

It said that she met you on a girls' trip to Vegas.

Says I was conceived

in the parking lot of a convenience store.

That's not really true, is it?

Yeah.

They say, "Romance is dead."

You're wrong about one thing, though.

What's that?

You don't run away from every scary thing.

You sure about that?

I mean...

You're here, aren't you?

You flew halfway across the world to...

look after a kid you've never met.

And in the wilderness, to boot.

Maybe you have a backbone after all.

Thank you.

Now, let's get some sleep, shall we?

Hey!

That was like six skips.

- Yeah. - Alright, ready?

Kia ora!

Father and daughter, on a wee trek

hiking the beautiful wilderness in New Zealand.

Is this what I'm seeing here?

- Yeah. - Course, it is.

Hi, I'm...

I'm Arnold and this is my beautiful wife, Angelina.

Long-suffering missus.

I'm Strawn.

And this is my biologi—, uh,

M— my daughter, Mildred.

Ooh. A real American person, eh?

Yeah. I guess I am.

I've never met a real American before.

I mean I've watched

lots of American soap operas, though.

It's all she does all day,

watch those bloody American soap operas.

They can be addictive.

That's why they end with cliffhangers.

It's to make you desperate to see the next episode.

It's to make you watch commercials, basically.

That's how TV works. It's sort of shameful.

I mean, there should be laws against it.

It's disgusting.

So, uh, you enjoying New Zealand?

I... I quite like it. I think.

Well, we're heading down to those,

you know, the big rocks where they made the movie

where Liam Neeson was the talking lion?

- Oh. - Why don't you join us,

I could do with some grown-up conversation.

So could I.

So, tell me everything.

What's it like growing up in America?

I'd love to tell you,

but since I've never set foot on American soil,

I don't have a bloody clue.

But your dad...

He lives there. I live here.

Don't you want to live there with him?

I mean, if I was a kid,

much rather grow up in America than boring old New Zealand.

Let's see.

I don't like assault rifles.

I don't like high-fives.

I don't like corn syrup.

I don't like people who say, "buddy", or "hell, yeah."

And I despise the word "dude" with every atom of my being.

I'm not sure America has much to offer me.

You don't—

Talk like a normal child?

I know.

So, what's your trade?

I'm an illusionist.

Illusionist? What, like, like a magician?

- Yeah. - Like David Blaine?

Oh, man. I adore him.

Like, he is literally magical. Don't you think?

Like, nothing comes close.

Nothing even comes close to close to him.

- Don't you think? - Yeah.

What about you?

Me? I'm a... I'm a heart surgeon.

Yeah. I don't mean to toot my own trombone,

but I'm in the top five heart surgeons

in the whole of Oceania.

Wow.

I think I'm actually impressed by that.

A lot of people are, you know?

And so they should be,

It's an impressive job to have, isn't it?

Like, literally, I save lives.

If somebody was dying

and I end up being there, I save their life.

So, if anything... I'm the magician round here.

No offense.

Good one.

Um...

She's really good with kids, eh?

Yeah. Well, some people are.

Some people aren't.

Listen, mate, there's something I wanted to say to you.

What's that?

You've got to promise, you...

are going to be cool, calm and collected about it, eh?

Chillin' like Bob Dylan.

Promise?

Sure, yeah, I promise. What is it?

I've kidnapped your daughter.

Excuse me?

You see,

I know it doesn't look

like a conventional kidnapping.

But a kidnapping is exactly what it is.

I... I don't understand.

Well...

She's in my custody.

And I'm going to make some demands of you.

And if those demands aren't met,

she stays in my custody.

Until I, uh, cut her loose.

'Cause let's be honest,

that's a lot of dead weight to be carrying around this terrain.

Especially with my bad back.

Sorry, no filter.

So, um...

In case you get any funny ideas,

just like you to know that, um,

I'm a black belt in karate.

Are you really?

Yes I am really.

I don't believe you.

Well, you should believe me.

Then do a karate move.

I'm not some dancing monkey boy.

- I don't do moves on demand. - Because you don't know karate.

Right.

I'm not doing any moves.

But I'll show you something.

Have a look at that and commit that to memory.

#There it is.

A belt.

What color is it?

It's black.

That's correct.

The belt is black.

As in black belt.

As in...

I can karate the living shite clean out of you.

And if I choose

to karate the living shit clean out of you, I will.

If you mess me about it.

Capisce?

Mm-hmm.

Alright.

Let's get down to the nitty-gritty

of what I want from you.

What do you want from me?

Well, your valuables.

You can't be serious.

As serious as cancer-rhythm-is-a-dancer,

my friend.

Have you ever had a blood transfusion?

What? Yeah.

Well, see this as a bag transfusion.

You transfer

the contents of your bag

into my bag.

Okay?

So why don't we start with the mobile phone?

Or as you yanks like to call it, your "cellular"?

Come on.

Do I need to remind you that a black belt in karate

has kidnapped your daughter?

Thanking you.

Uh, passcode, please.

Okay, please. You don't need the—

Passcode?

1981.

It's the year I was born.

Hey, just please don't look at any of the photos.

Okay, that's all I ask.

I wasn't going to look at the photos.

But now you mentioned it—

No, no, no. Please, please don't.

Ooh!

You're a strange little man, aren't you?

You do know there's a pump you can get for that,

and apparently it works?

Mm-hm.

Okay. Camera?

Please.

Please. Don't do this.

This is my daughter's. It means a lot to her.

Yeah, and it'll mean a lot to me too.

But I'll call the cops. I know your names.

What, um...

Arnold and Angelina?

Have a wee think.

Where have you heard those names before?

I...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Angelina Jolie?

And what do they have in common?

They're...

Actors.

And what do actors do?

They...

pretend to be other people.

I... I know your job.

You're one of the leading heart surgeons.

You're not a heart surgeon, are you?

No.

Well, I know what you look like.

The... the cops will do a composite sketch.

I'll just go home, cut my hair,

shave off my beard,

and nobody will recognize me.

What about Angelina?

She'll shave her beard off too.

Anyhoo. Wallet. Come on.

Grazie.

Angelina, darling.

Well.

- I think you can finish this. - Yeah.

I'll see what those two are up to.

Goodbye.

We all done here?

Yeah, it was quite a painless operation.

Ooh. Nice rod.

- There you go. - Mm.

Bet ya that's the first time a woman's ever said that to you.

Please don't take that. It's my daughter's.

My nephew is desperate for a fishing rod.

That's his birthday present's sorted.

Thanks.

Grab their matches and map.

That'll slow 'em down.

You are a criminal mastermind, my love.

Wanna show you something.

I used to charge my mates at school,

a dollar a time to see this.

You don't want to see what he used to charge

two bucks to see.

What if I come after you, huh?

Aw.

You just don't seem like the type.

You want me to get this?

Yeah.

Kia ora!

Hey, where'd they go?

Hey!

Not to get mushy, but...

today's been a bloody great day.

I have to tell you something.

You're gonna get mushy, too?

You have to promise that you'll stay...

cool,

calm and collected.

You promise?

Yes. Okay, I promise.

They robbed us.

- Pardon me? - They kidnapped you.

Yeah. Good one, Strawn. Very funny.

Seriously, where'd they go?

They held you to ransom.

They took my phone,

my wallet, the map, the matches,

fishing rod...

the camera.

I... I know it didn't feel like a kidnapping,

but that's what just happened.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

They took everything.

The camera, the proof, everything.

And... you just let them?

- I— - Just...

You just handed it over

on a silver platter.

I'm so sorry.

Do I need to remind you

that that camera footage was going to save Mum and me

from becoming another depressing welfare statistic?

It was going to save our lives.

You hate me, don't you?

I actually can't even put into words

how much hate I feel towards you right now.

You know what?

I can't stand the sight of you.

Your idiotic nail polish.

And your crap,

low-budget TV-magician clothes.

And your greasy, ratty hair

and these big, dumb, dopey donkey eyes.

You know what?

You need to move away from me right now—

What was I supposed to do?

- He was a karate master. - Move...

away... from...

me... now.

Mildred, be serious.

Like, 20 paces. Like we're in a duel. Go!

That wasn't 20 paces.

That was, like, 11 paces. And I can still see you.

Like a greasy smudge on the world.

Bugger off, further.

It all makes sense now.

What makes sense?

Why you don't have any friends at school.

Why your mother never wants to take you camping.

Excuse me?

You know, this entire trip,

you've been nothing but a grade-A D-bag.

Yeah? Well, it takes one, to know one, doesn't it?

A pretentious, prickly runt.

I know you are. You said you were.

So, what am I?

You're an asshole.

Twenty paces? You know what? Let's make it 50.

You know? Screw that. A hundred and fifty paces.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten, eleven, twelve...

thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen...

119, 120, 121, 122...

123...

You can never do anything right.

Ungrateful.

Mildred!

Hello?

Oh!

Hello!

What's the matter, Mr. Twizted Illusions?

Got scared in the big, dark, spooky stones?

No.

Yeah. Okay, I did.

I got lost.

I hurt my ankle.

And I heard some weird sounds.

That made me very uncomfortable.

Listen to me. We have two options.

Yeah? And they are?

Live or die.

It really is that simple.

Now, don't know about you,

but I would quite like to live.

And I plan on getting that 50 grand back too.

With or without you.

We are days away from anywhere.

We have no food, no map, no fishing rod, no matches.

- They took— - Everything.

I know. They took everything.

So? What now?

Are you familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs?

Abraham Maslow, 1943, The Hierarchy of Needs.

At the base of the pyramid,

fundamental human needs,

the very foundations of survival,

warmth, shelter, food and water.

Shelter, we have.

Warmth, we have.

All things considered, we're off to a pretty good start.

Now, as calories are in short supply,

I suggest we make camp...

by that lake down there.

We'll have food and water on our doorstep.

We can plot our next move from there with clear heads

and full bellies.

Now, tell me, Strawn,

Can you whittle?

Can I what?

Keep going. You're getting there.

Come... on...

- Get back, I've got this. - You sure about that?

Yes, I'm sure about that.

I've read all about it.

What, just cause you read about it doesn't mean you—

Silence. I need to concentrate.

Go and whittle.

How did you...

It's called magic.

The thumb flint.

"An essential weapon in any illusionists arsenal."

Found a spare one.

Oh.

Christ.

Sorry. Guess I'm not very good at whittling.

No, I didn't think you would be.

That's why I asked you to do it.

What?

I wanted to give you something

to occupy your mind, to focus on.

It's worked.

You've calmed down, haven't you?

We're still stranded out here.

And... voila!

Oh.

I'm going in.

What?

What, you really think you're gonna be able to catch a—

Look at this great big bugger!

Mmm.

Fancy a spot of tea, old chap?

Oh.

God, I would kill for a cup of tea.

Well.

Piper Excelsum.

Known around these parts as Kawakawa.

Kawakawa?

It has powerful anti-septic properties.

And it happens to taste scrump-diddly-umptious too.

Sling that down your gullet.

That's good. Really good.

Mm.

You know, Strawn?

I don't think less of you.

W... What?

That's what you're thinking, isn't it?

That you... failed to be a man.

You crapped the bed as a protector.

And your weakness put us in grave danger.

And now, we're two of the 8,000 people

who go missing in New Zealand every year.

All because you're weak.

And naive.

And you refuse to call to action.

Like a coward.

Is that what you really think?

No. No, that's what I think you think.

What part of it isn't true?

God, I really messed this up, didn't I?

I let him take everything.

I let him...

I just handed it to him on a silver platter.

Just like you said.

You're talking about Arnold or David Blaine?

Sorry.

Look.

We lost it all.

It's a kick in the head, no doubt.

But we've got grub our guts,

air in our lungs, and somewhere cozy to sleep.

We're not done yet, mate.

No way.

No flying way.

Mildred.

Yeah?

I'll look after you.

Ooh!

See these black and green mushrooms?

Yeah.

Well, if we ever get separated,

don't ever eat those.

Why? What happens?

Full-body numbness, hallucinations, possible nausea,

and projectile vomiting.

Ooh. Sounds fun.

I'm obviously kidding.

Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad.

Drugs tear families and communities apart.

Ah, here we go.

Pleurotus Parsonsaie.

Velvet oyster mushrooms.

I've always wanted to try these.

Why? Looks disgusting.

You know what looks disgusting?

The corpses that have succumbed to starvation in the wilderness.

Dead people.

Hey. What is it?

Mildred, you okay?

I have to tell you something.

It'll change the way you look at me,

forever, probably, but...

I have to say it.

Okay.

I used to wish...

...my mum would just disappear.

I'd... lie awake at night,

just hoping

that she wouldn't be there when I woke up.

And you'd come.

And you'd understand me.

You'd really understand me.

Like she never could.

We'd do things together.

All the things that Mum is too afraid to do.

Like, go camping.

Hunting.

Fishing.

You know?

Stuff of adventures.

And...

maybe my wish did come true.

But in the wrong ways.

I...

I don't want my mum to go now.

I don't want her to go.

And as for you understanding me,

Here, have a tissue.

Is this what you wanted?

Toast!

Hey. What is it?

What is it?

I had a bad dream and...

And now I need to go wee.

I don't want to go on my own.

Yeah. Okay.

Let me get my boots.

...are supposed to bring us together...

...but at the moment,

all I want to be is a million bloody miles away from you.

- It's them. - Who?

Who'd you think?

The buggers who kidnapped me, took our belongings,

left us for dead, think you'd remember them?

What should we do?

- Isn't it obvious? - Obvious?

No, it's not obvious.

In fact, it's very far from obvious.

Hey. Where are you going?

- Wait here. - Wha—

You snogged my sister

and I'm supposed to just let it go.

How many times do I got to tell ya...

...but you just put your head in the sand

and think everything's gone away.

Go away. Just ignoring everything.

- When we have to talk— - Shut up, woman, for God's sake.

Just let it go. Please.

- All night. - Let it go?

You've been at me all night.

You've snogged my sister.

You want me to just let it go.

Number one. It was five years ago.

- Can you not let it go? - My sister.

- Number two... - My sister!

...I was drunk. She was drunk.

Number three.

She was terrible in bed, her breath stunk...

Being an adult... You know, I mean...

Relationships are just so damn complicated.

Shh. Just listen.

...vomit-flavored stick...

All I want to do is just get some sleep.

Please. I beg you.

Yeah. Sweet dreams.

Ah, shut up, woman.

Wait. You're not seriously gonna grab our stuff, are you?

I'm seriously going to grab our stuff.

Okay. Here's the plan.

I'm going to grab their bag and I'm gonna toss it to you.

Just like a rugby ball.

Then we're both just going to sprint up to our tent.

- Yeah? - What?

And lead them straight back to our headquarters?

Oh, yeah.

You're totally right.

Okay.

I'm going to run up to that high ground there.

What if they catch us?

- They won't. - Why?

'Cause I'm gonna throw their boots

into the bush and snap the tent zipper off.

Okay. That's officially

the craziest thing I've ever heard.

I know. I'm bloody jazzed, too.

Okay.

Hear that?

They're snoring already.

We need to move with maximum speed

and maximum stealth.

Go. Go. Go.

- Wait, wait, wait. - No, no, no.

Jesus!

Shh... shh.

Ah.

- What's going on? - Go, Go!

Intruders!

You thieving swines!

I'm gonna kill youse!

I'll kill you! Ah!

Get them, Jethro.

It's our property now!

Come here, boy.

I'll kill youse! Kill ya!

That's my stuff!

- He's going to catch us! - No, he's not.

How can you be sure?

Look at the ground!

Come back here!

Ah... Ah.

Here!

Ah!

Ah!

Ooh.

Listen, you muppets!

It wasn't personal before,

but it's really personal now!

Ohh, I've made a catastrophic blunder.

What? Why?

I appeared to have led us...

to a cliff-edge.

Oh.

Um...

Well...

I guess we could hide out.

And slowly make our way back to camp.

We need to make sure we've still got the proof.

- Get the camera. - Right.

Here.

Okay.

Okay, Darling.

Looking great.

That's it, lovely, give me a bit more hair.

How's that?

Oh, you look beautiful. Just now...

Flick it, flick it like your sister.

What did you say?

I said, flick your hair.

What?

They recorded over it.

And they drained the bloody battery.

Fifty grand. Gone again.

Strawn?

We may have some more pressing issues right now.

What could possibly be more pressing than this?

Oh, this is definitely more pressing.

Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

He looks hungry. They get bold when they're hungry.

Maybe there's some food in their bag.

Reach in slowly and have a look.

- Anything? - Huh, huh.

Let's see if they like ham sandwiches.

All right, come on. We gotta move.

No!

Um, can panthers climb ropes?

No, they can't.

Alright, get on.

Go, go, go, go.

Don't stop moving.

Nice kitty!

Just keep going.

Don't stop!

He's trying to tear the rope!

Ah!

We're gonna make it.

Ow. Ow, my hands hurt.

I can't hold on.

- You can do it. - Ah.

Keep going.

Ow!

I can't do it.

Yes, you can. You got this.

You've got it, it's okay.

Ah!

I'm coming.

Now, hold on!

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

Help me!

Help!

- Strawn! - I'm coming.

Mildred!

I'm slipping.

Don't let go.

No!

No, no, no!

Hold on!

Strawn! Help!

Mildred!

Don't let go!

- Ah, I got you. - No!

I got you. Look at me.

- Don't let it— - Mildred!

- Mildred, look at me. - Don't...

Wrist strength of a professional wrestler.

Remember?

Now, just stay calm.

When you're ready, I want you to...

No!

Mildred.

Ah!

Ah!

Mildred!

Strawn, help me, help me, please!

Oh, God!

Don't move it.

- Jesus. - Help!

It's gonna be okay, Mildred.

You're gonna be fine.

Mushrooms.

Huh?

Why are you talking about mushrooms?

For the pain.

Please.

Right. Yeah.

Come on. Come on!

Ha!

Oh, damn it.

- Uh... - Strawn!

Ah. Screw it!

I got all of them. Um, which ones?

Green and... Green and black.

This? Are you sure?

Yeah.

Hold my hand.

I'm so... so sorry.

Mildred?

Wake up.

Hey there.

Welcome back.

Feel fizzy.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that, between getting you kidnapped,

attacked by a panther,

thrown off a cliff,

and feeding you weird mushrooms,

I've secured my place

on the Mount Rushmore of disappointing dads.

Yeah, that's great.

That's all great.

I'm great.

You're great.

The planet is really great.

It's all so bloody great.

Now might be a good time to get

that great, big, bloody tree off my legs.

Come on, Dad.

What did you say?

Huh? Nothing.

You called me "Dad."

Did I?

Yeah, you did.

Ready?

Alright.

Come on.

Come on!

I... I can't do it.

It's too heavy.

Ace of diamonds.

- What? - It's the magic trick...

on the window,

when we met.

I lied. I lied to you.

It was my card.

Come on, Dad. You can do this.

"Believe in magic," that's what you said.

I've had enough of camping.

Can we go home now?

What are the magic words?

I love you...

with all of my heart.

What are you doing?

Well, you might not be familiar with this,

this is called keeping your kit clean.

Just chuck it in the car.

You got to be kidding me.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, look, just shut up, Jethro.

Shut up for ever.

Okay, okay, I got it.

No, I'm driving.

Why do you keep banging on about that? On and on and on?

I drive...

Oi, oi...

What are you doing?

Come here.

Ah... Oi...

That's my Plymouth!

Jethro, just grab the car.

Go easy on the clutch!

Useless!

Those bloody muppets are even worse than us.

Ah! My God. Oh, my God.

Whoo!

It's okay.

Everything's gonna be okay.

I promise.

Smile for your mum. She'll never believe this.

Shouldn't you be watching the road?

Dad?

Dad?

Oh, God!

Hm.

Dad?

Hm.

Mum.

Jonesie.

Smile for your mum. She'll never believe this.

Shouldn't you be watching the road?

Dad!

Dad!

Oh, snap!

The hunt is on for a mysterious black cat,

which was spotted prowling on a Mid Canterbury farm.

Locals are convinced, it was a panther.

Just looked like a big, black cat,

really, it was yeah, just...

It's quite long, had a big long tail...

Like, it had that cat walk, you know, normally you can tell

the difference between a dog and a cat.

But no, definitely, definitely wouldn't have been a dog.

Cat poo with, um,

bits of fur or bone in it.

Um, perhaps remains of prey...

Hmm.

Yeah, I see it, I see it. That's pretty big.

- That's not a cat. - Hey?

- That isn't a cat. - That's huge!